Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

When we argue, she lets me know,

that I have no say at all.

The demands she gives to me are all I see,

in the brainwashed mind of me.

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The air is silent

My breath leaves me as a ghost

Snow glistens around me

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Religion is water, crisp and clear and holy.

I am a beast of black ink and evil.

A stain against white.

It's love washes over me in a chilled blue stream;

as if I could ever be clean.

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I don't know what to say,
As she sits across from me;
A smile, bright as morning day
I was content to be.
Her smile curls into laughter,
As I make a stupid joke,
I'll regret making after;
When finally I awoke.
The dream of her is fading;
I grasp for her once more;
The tears of loss are falling.
What was all this for?
We both knew it wouldn't last;
I think I fall in love too fast.

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O, midnight moon, your waning heart,

Of childhood laugh, and running fields

Has known me well; right from the start.

My dirt stained knees,

And the sword I wield,

Rid my heart of all unease

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I dream in colours I cannot name,

and think of things, I dare not claim.

I dare not maim the face of you

your sunken eyes and rotting flesh.

Plumpened flesh and love filled eyes,

you drove an arrow through my heart.

I drove a knife through your heart,

as foxes covered your screaming voice.

Your joy filled voice echoes in my mind,

as blood and dirt covered my hand.

Dirt and blood cover my arms,

I buried you by strength alone.

A year has passed within a flame.

I dream of colours I cannot name.

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I am the sound of birds chirping in a wind torn forest

and the feel of a hand trailing over book pages

and a raven flying free in the sky

as a jellyfish floats to match it in the sea

I am not the person my parents desired

not as straight as a rod

or a good godly girl.

I am not as kind as I wanted to be

I wanted to be everything.

Chapter Text

I couldn't find a seat this time.

The hand strap

makes my hand cramp.

A child whines loudly to mother.

She hushes them

As best she can.

It's cold outside.

Too hot inside.

My winter coat

and heavy bag

keep me upright;

Only barely.

My music is loud.

Blocking all else out.

The whispering,

giggling lovers beside me.

The sun creeps her way

over her arch in the sky.

Reds and

golds and

purples and

pinks.

Mishing and mashing

in a swirl of light.

The ride reminds me

to stay alive.

Chapter Text

deny the biological                                                                                                                                  identify as women     gain access to                                              activities designed for women,                                                                                      eradicate                                  sex                        attack                         depriving                       dignity, safety, and well-being.              sex          has a corrosive impact                                                                                                                 truth is                  scientific inquiry,              safety, morale,          trust

                             paved by an                              attack against the ordinary                                                                        replacing                           biological                 sex with                fluid,                       self                                                                                                                woman                               transforms laws and policies designed to protect                                                                identity-based,                     social concept.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      women are                female, and men are                male.

Chapter Text

The books and sayings lied to me
For the end doesn’t come silently
Nor quietly
Nor creeping in the night
Waiting for a moment to strike
The easiest
to pick away from the crowd

They didn’t come silently
Not like once believed
They came loud
and violently.
Raging into office
With blaring horns;
Screaming in the streets
And crying in the homes

They came freely
Without a fuss
Without a fight
From the louder majority
Freely stepping up,
As history begins to cry

They come in the day,
Stealing families away
From schools
From work
From homes
From each other.
Without a single sound uttered
From those never seen again

The marching in the streets
Is nothing to them
Compared to the sound
Of paper in voters boxes
That slowly grow louder
Than any music in our hearts

They come in the night.
That’s what they told me.
They would come silently,
Quietly,
Picking off my brothers and sisters
Chewing on the bones of my family
My friends
My lovers
Without me even noticing.

I know they come in the day.
In black vans,
And blacker uniforms.
Grabbing the arms of my friends,
My family,
My colleagues,
And hauling them away
As the people turn a blind eye
Away from what they don’t want to see.

They come in the day,
Because they can
Without a fight,
Without a struggle
For people know
what they voted for
What they wanted to happen.
They wanted to see it.
Wanted to know it.
And it is not quiet
It is loud.

They don’t come in the night,
Not anymore
They don’t need to.

Chapter Text

God says one thing,
Nature inclines her head to agree.
There is not a twin alive
Born a year apart.

But you, and me, and we and us
Share a heart,
We share our lungs,
We hold our trauma close,
And nothing else.

You are the night
Hooting and hollering
Into the cool air
With the foxes,
Wise and cunning,
And occasionally mean.
The bugs that light up,
to show that they are there.

I am the morning,
Dew on petals
Of soft sunflowers
And the twittering of Canaries.
I sing and feel and dance and fly
And warn you that she is getting worse
When I crash to the earth
Where you wait to catch.

You hold your head in your hand
I hold my heart in mine
And as we hold each other
The two intertwine
And we become the best of us,
Laughing,
Smiling,
Free.

God and nature lied
For there is no other
Out there on earth
That shares my soul the way you do.

Chapter Text

I have too kind a heart
Little creatures hold it tight
Skittering
And crawling
As it beats for them.
I watch my feet
And watch them move
Stepping over
And around
And they crawl under
And past.
I hope one day
When skies rain down
And god calls judgement forth
The same mercy
Will be allotted for me

Chapter Text

As you turn back to face me,
smiling against the sun
Here we two shall be
Standing one by one

Rain pelts my heart
As the wind pushes me on
I believe that was when it starts
That wind filled rainy sunny day

Chapter Text

At end of day
There is a woman
Who dare I say
Is not me
And I, not she.
She shares my eyes,
And waves her hand
And tilts her head
But she is she
And I am me.
When looking down
Upon my skin
That hangs so low
So chagrin,
I know it’s me
For I can see
The parts that make me, me.
The hair,
The lumps,
The little spots
That mar me
Break me
Make me, me.
And yet she,
She is not me,
For how can she
Be me?
She stands so tall,
And almost proud
Therefore, she is not me
And I, not she.
Her body is not mine
With curves all running down her spine
And breasts that settle
Firm and solid.
She is too hard,
Too firm,
Too real,
To be the me
That I so know.
There is a woman,
I know is not me,
For she is she
And I am me.

Chapter Text

I only seem to fall in love
Within the walls of my mind.
Fighting to be free of my cage,
Just so I am not left behind.

Galatea, sweet being of ivory,
Did you ever know how loved you were?
Before you breathed first life and fell in his arms,
Did you believe you were worthy?

I create a being I know will love me.
She lives inside my heart,
And keeps me safe in hers.
Only falsehoods, from the start.

Pygmalion, the craftsman,
Did you ever love her truly?
Without regrets? Without doubts?
Had you sworn to love her wholly?

My heart of hearts screams in my chest;
Love me, love me, love me dearly.
My brain, echoing in turn, screams;
Love me, love me so sincerely

Did you, woman of stone,
Wish for something more,
Desire someone else,
Than the man you were created for?

I always put on a face,
I know is not my own,
Yet everyone I see
Believes in what I’ve sown

Did you, man of craft,
Know that a commitment,
For the love of another,
Would become so bent?

The walls around my heart
Are strong, and tall
Of brick and mortar.
Even now they never fall.

Oh sweet statue
Of marble and grace
Did you have a life
Another face?

I never speak first.
Too afraid of what they will think,
How they will hate me
Then be gone in a blink.

Oh wretched man
Of flesh and being
How much did you love
To bring someone else meaning.

Never let them see
What really lies beneath
The walls of stone I built
With blood upon my teeth.

When breaths first drawn
In light of dawn,
Her arms around his neck
His legs holding them up.
She stares
And stares
In eyes she knows
But does not love.
Who could know,
What commitment was?
Not he,
Not she,
Perhaps it’s best the rest
Is never known.

I make them hate me.
Isolation,
Never speaking first,
So they don’t know
How much,
How truly
I love.
But they can never love
In return,
Not the same way.
So I push
And Shove
Until they are far away.
I fear they won’t love me,
So I ensure they only hate.

Chapter Text

I know, one day
Some future
Far away
I know they will remember us.
I lay in bed
As the world
Around me burns
And people
Outside my window
Scream for my death
For the deaths of my sisters
And brothers
And siblings.
I lay there
Curling in on myself
And sink into the darkness.
Inside that darkness
I see a world
One far away
And past our time.
This world is lovely
And homely
And good.
I see my children,
Those crooked teeth
Stretched in smiles
And laughing loud.
And they are safe.
They don’t cower
In bathroom stalls
Praying the shoes in the gap
Don’t look for them.
They kiss
And hold hands
Of lovers and friends
Without sneaking glances
And hidden looks.
They get their meds,
And the help they need,
And they are free.
I know this future,
One day will come.
It has to.
It has to.
It has to.
For what am I to do,
If the future is not safe?
If not for them
For who?
So it is.
They know not of fear
Of pain
Of heartache.
They read their history books
And see us there.
Our smiles don’t hide the pain in our eyes.
For what greater sorrow
Than to love?
To fight?
And we fight
And love
And they know it all.
They know the ones we lost
And who lost them
And who loved them.
They know our fight
And speak aloud
Of just how brave we were.
They ask their teachers
“Could it be any other way?”
And the teacher will say
“Of course,
But then was then,
And now is now.
And it is now
Because of then.
For those brave few
Who stood and fought.”
And their books will close
And they will remember.
And when I die,
As all things must,
And go to heaven,
In spite of the rest
Who lied and said
I was bound for hell.
And in the crowds,
Of families united
And lovers found
And animals greeting their people
And me and my people
I see her.
Sweet Sappho
Of ages long gone.
And I will greet her,
Like an old friend would,
With a hug and laughter
And all the love in the world.
I will tell her
Of what I faced
And what I saw.
I will tell her
“They remember us,”
I say, and she knows they do.
“They know us,
And love us,
And see us as we are.
Even if it had to be
In another time
Far into the future,
When it is safe for us
To be."

Chapter Text

I don’t want for much.

I will settle for less,
Every time I’m asked.

I will do the soul sucking
Job that no one wants
Just so I have enough to live.
(I won’t stay long either)

I will sleep alone each night
And pretend I can make my own warmth
So no one else has to.
(Even if it hurts to be alone)

I don’t bother with wishes.
I know even with a shooting star
I will be so painfully average.
(Not like I’d get published anyways)

I settle for C’s
Cause they make degrees
And all I need is to graduate.
(Not like I’m smart enough for better)

So I don’t make a fuss.
I don’t care either way.

Happiness is overrated.

Chapter Text

When it’s dark enough
The ground and sky
They blend. Together
Til you don’t know
Up from down
And it’s all one.

It was late,
Dark and cold.
I’m half asleep
Against the window
And the bus bumbles on.
Silent and staring.

It’s cloudy. Nothing to see.
I know this, and yet
I still think, for a moment
As I stare out upon the world
I can’t help but think,
Those are stars.

The city lights are bright,
And gold and white.
Flickering like stars.
It suits it. In a way.
Thinking of all the light,
The phosphorus inside them.

The moon was big,
And bright in the sky.
Even through the clouds.
It keeps going,
Reminding me, I need to do
The same.

People are awake down there.
I think to myself as I look away
From the star-city.
Loving and living their lives,
And what about I?
Am I truly stardust too?

Stars are not city lights.
City lights are not stars.
But for a minute,
consider the wonder.
How long it took to be here,
The science behind both.

Humans are stardust,
And we create more of it.
Our own super nova.
So when you look out,
And see the stars and city lights
Consider if there was ever a difference
And if it ever mattered.

Chapter Text

My first year away from home
And I had never felt more alone.

I try to treat myself with kindness
For who else will?
What friends could I confide in?

I didn’t mean to get a coffee
But it was cheaper with, than not.

It was a classic combo
Cinnamon roll and coffee
In the dead of winter.

The cinnamon roll wasn’t quite right.
Dry in all the wrong ways.

My mothers were gooey and soft
And slathered in cinnamon filling.
It was just alright, for me.

When I first took a sip of the coffee
However, I was back.

Bituman, she would say—
Dark and heavy and bitter as all hell.
Even with two cream and two sugar
The bitterness lingers.

It was her coffee dripping from the maker
In the cafe of my university.

I was home.
Even with the lingering bitterness.

Chapter Text

As a child
I heard whispers of truth
My mother and father
Talking of the great financial distress
That leaked into my life.

Then again,
As I grew
I remember the day
A villain was given power
And when the world began to shift.

Then,
Once I was old enough to learn
And retain the years I had
I began to notice it all.

Then,
The world fell into panic
And plague and fear
And I was there,
Living through it all;
Watching from behind a screen
As people still fought
In raging fires
For right to life.

Then,
The world was quiet
For a moment or two.

The quiet never lasts
Not for long enough to linger.

It comes back in screams
As families are bombed,
Stomped under the foot
Of a government who
Doesn’t love them
For they favour
The ones doing the massacre.

I learned only recently
How to want to live.
All my life
I longed for death,
For the sweetness
In it’s embrace
And how it would cradle me
As a child
And kiss my head.

I learned how to live
Only recently enough
That I’m still learning to
Remember it first.

And, yet, it happened too late.

Now the world burns around me
By those that will leap through stars
To avoid the heat from touching them.

Now the world is killing those I love
And those I am
And those I am not
Simply because they are not “desired.”

And now, as I become an adult,
For the first time in my life,
In any life I am sure,
It is just in time to watch
As the world I need to live in
And love in
And be loved in
Come crashing down.

Chapter Text

All my life
I longed for the ground.
To lay in its
Loving embrace
Feel the cool dirt
Cake my hands
And bury me alive.

Don’t gift me a coffin
I want to feel its warmth.
The Earth as she consumes me
As worms feast on my corpse
And I return to dirt as God proclaimed I would.

I want to be alive when you do it.
I want to step down,
With you holding my hand,
And step into my eternal sleep.
I want to see you
Weeping at my feet.

Don’t bury me in anything
But a baggy hoodie
And jeans that cover me all
And let my hair go free and cover
My face for none to see.

Say a eulogy
Make sure it’s sappy
Then pour the dirt down upon me.

When I choke don’t stop
I won’t need to breathe soon
So shovel it all down on me
Until flowers can grow
So at least I can
Make something beautiful
For once.

Leave me there for a while.
Just long enough for me to rot
And my bones are feeding the earth
And the maggots have taken all of me
Because then I will burst forth.

Dirt caked hands will claw
And scrape
Until I have enough room
To breathe
And I love to breathe
So I take as many
Heaving gulpfuls as I can.

The world will be cool
And still
But never silent
With the cicadas chirping their songs
And I will sit in the comfort.
In the dirt around me
And the worms that eat me
And stare up at the stars.

And, though you chose to
Bury me years ago
Let the me you knew in your mind
Truly die I still live
Away from you
In the arms of loving dirt
Looking into the grand cosmos
And I know that
This is truly
When my life was meant to
Start.

Chapter Text

Doctor, I’m worried about myself.
What are the symptoms?
I think there’s something wrong with me.
I can’t treat it until the symptoms are known.
What if I can’t name them?
All symptoms are known and can be named.
I suppose I feel strange.
Have you considered a stomach ache?
But I also feel wrong.
Is your period late?
And I think I’m not quite normal.
What is normal?
Can you please listen to me?
Of course, that’s what I’m here for.
I feel so empty.
Perhaps fill it with things.
But it goes away sometimes.
If it fades it isn’t real.
But I feel it so often.
In the back of my mind it’s always there.
But you aren’t manic, so I can’t diagnose you.
But when I’m alone it seeps in again.
Everyone feels lonely sometimes.
But I feel lonely even with friends.
Maybe get better friends.
Could it be anxiety?
Are you worried 24/7?
Well, I suppose no…
Then I can’t diagnose you with that.
But I still worry over things normal people don’t.
How do you know what is normal?
Will you please listen?
Of course, that’s what I’m here for.
I think I’m broken somehow.
How so?
I’m not sure.
I can’t treat it until the symptoms are known.
Then I suppose I feel not normal.
How so?
Are normal people meant to feel this way?
I’m not sure, you haven’t told me what you feel.
Are normal people supposed to feel crushed by everything?
Are normal people supposed to worry over every single detail?
Are normal people supposed to worry about past, present and future?
Are normal people supposed to mourn a life they never had?
How do normal people cope with it all
Are normal people supposed to barely remember their childhood?
Are normal people supposed to only remember the bad of it all?
Are normal people supposed to bottle everything until it bursts?
How are normal people supposed to feel love?
Are normal people supposed to have a brain that runs every thought without silence for days on end?
Are normal people supposed to struggle getting out of bed?
Are normal people supposed to struggle so much?
Hmm,
Those aren’t symptoms I know.
So what is wrong with me?
I diagnose you with being a normal person.
But how can I be normal if I don’t understand it?
Other people don’t suffer so much, do they?
Are they just better at hiding it?
Is my mask just broken?
Yes, I suppose there’s just something wrong with you.
Next patient please!