Chapter Text
She ignored the chime. She was angry, hurt, all kinds of deceived and she didn’t need anyone to see her like this, she was embarrassed she had been taken in, smooth-talked, she hated herself – and him.
The chime went again, and again she ignored it, sitting on the edge of her bed with a towel wrapped around her.
“Kathryn, it’s Chakotay,” her First Officer called, “if you don’t let me in, I’m over-riding the lock.”
Silence.
He over-rode the lock.
Her living area was a mess. The glass topped coffee table was in pieces, a spent plasma relay in the middle of the shattered remains.
“Kathryn?”
“Go away!” she screamed from the bedroom.
He ignored that, he could be as stubborn as her, and for her to not appear on the bridge without explanation was cause for concern. He knew she had seen Jaffen before they left Quarra’s orbit, and as far as he knew the parting had been amicable. He assumed she was upset, they had been close, closer than she allowed him to get to her, but he understood her reasons for that. Quarra was an entirely different situation. Jaffen had left the previous evening, though, now he thought about it, Kathryn hadn’t seen him off from the transporter room. Initially he assumed she was finding the idea difficult, maybe emotional and had said her goodbyes in her quarters. The devastation in her quarters spoke of some other reason.
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The previous evening:
“We could have been good, together, Kathryn,” Jaffen smiled. “I have been promoted; we could have had a good life. Are you sure you won’t come with me?”
“This is where I belong, Jaffen,” she sighed sadly, “I have a family to get back to, on Earth, I have a duty to get these people, my crew, back to their families. If my memories hadn’t returned, been brought back, then, yes, it would have been good, because I wouldn’t have known anything else, but it would be a lie.”
“I could take them away, if you want,” he lifted an instrument.
“You knew?” she gasped.
“Kathryn,” his smile took on a sinister quality. “They explained, how they need the workforce …”
“So, you were told to change my memories, take away what I know, what I am? How could you?!” she screamed, “how could you do that to me?!”
“Needs must …” he raised his eyebrows.
She picked up the nearest object, a wine glass, and threw it at him. “You know where the transporter room is!” She all but threw him out and as the door closed, she collapsed in a heap on the floor and sobbed for another love that used her. She found the used plasma relay and threw that at the coffee table in temper.
After trying and failing to sleep she had run the shower on hot and scrubbed at her body, trying desperately to remove the dirt, the shame she felt at having been used. She couldn’t understand why all her romances went so badly wrong – her lovers either died or gave up on her, was she so difficult to love? Now she sat on the edge of the bed, her skin raw from scrubbing and the one person she could do without seeing her, in her quarters – Chakotay.
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“For god’s sake, Kathryn,” he gasped at the sight, “what’s going on?”
“Go away, commander,” she snapped.
“No, not this time,” he sat on the other side of the bed and opened the cabinet drawer to look for the dermal regenerator she used for minor bumps and bruises. He had one, he assumed she did to. And so she did. “That looks sore.”
“It’s nothing, I deserve it.”
“Did Jaffen do this to you?”
“Don’t you think I would have alerted security?” she kept her face turned away as he started on her shoulders with the instrument.
“Why?” he whispered.
“He used me,” she turned round and glared at him, “he knew all along what they had done to me, and what they wanted me for, and they told him to ‘get close’. I fell for it, Chakotay, I fell for smooth words and dinner. What kind of captain am I?” tears began to fall.
“The very best,” he put the dermal regenerator down and pulled her to him, wrapping her in the sheets to stop any pain he may cause her, “a human captain, one who feels.”
“One who falls for fine words,” she sniffed. “Chakotay …”
“I know.” He soothed, “You are hurt, and angry, at him and yourself, but this won’t take that away, all it does is hurt you more.”
“I feel dirty.”
“You are not dirty,” he began to rock her gently, “if anyone is dirty, it is him. Now, let’s use the regenerator, and you can rest.”
“I think I’d rather do something.” She allowed him to start again, “maybe go to the bridge, connect with Harry and Tom, and Tuvok … and you.”
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But she didn’t connect, she became, if anything, more distant. She performed her duties as captain, but didn’t engage in small talk as much as she used to and pulled back more often from her gentle touches and shoulder pats. When she wasn’t on duty she was in her Ready Room, alone, or in her quarters, she didn’t even have her weekly dinner with Chakotay, for two weeks, until he invited her and insisted.
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Kathryn still didn’t think it was a good idea as she stood outside his quarters. She had told him she wasn’t good company at the moment.
“I’m not throwing a party, Kathryn,” he smiled, “it’s just us and a meal.”
He had prepared one of her favourite dishes, but still she barely ate.
“Talk to me, Kathryn,” he led her to the couch, but she sat away from him.
“About?”
“Why you are hiding, from me, from the crew.”
“If I keep away, I won’t get hurt, again.” She didn’t look at him.
“We won’t hurt you, we would never do that,” he kept his hands to himself even though he so wanted to hold her, “we may argue with you, or try to stop you from an unwise course of action, but we would never intentionally hurt you, emotionally or physically.”
“I’m not likeable.”
“Who the hell gave you that idea?” he huffed, “you know how I feel about you, ever since New Earth … my feelings haven’t changed. Give yourself some credit, Kathryn, we all appreciate everything you do for us, the kind things you have done. Letting Naomi be your ‘assistant’, supporting Sam through the pregnancy and birth, ensuring we have fun even with the events we face, the battles, the crises, mentoring Seven, we wouldn’t follow you if we didn’t like you.”
He shifted closer to her, within touching distance.
“Chakotay,” she heaved a deep, sad sigh, “they all leave me, in the end.”
“Do you mean Mark?”
“He gave up on me.”
It would have been a long wait …”
She frowned at him.
“… but I agree, he gave up rather quickly.”
“Others, too,” she sniffed. “Before Mark …”
“… then they weren’t worthy of you.”
“… or I wasn’t worthy of them.”
Chakotay sighed, getting Kathryn to believe in herself was never easy, when she got this down.
“Computer, is there a holodeck available?”
“Holodeck two is unused at this moment.”
“Come on,” he stood up and held out his hand, “let’s have a change of scenery.”
“Where?”
“I’ll think of something on the way,” he curled and uncurled his fingers, “come on.”
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He offered her his arm as they walked through the ship, but she didn’t take it. It was as if she thought he might burn her.
He called up a program at Holodeck 2 and the doors slid open. The little house was covered in ivy, the Talaxian tomatoes were ripe and ready to pick. There was a simple wooden bench by a tree and the little monkey chattered in the treetops.
“It didn’t have ivy,” she murmured.
“It would have done if we’d stayed,” he took some tea from the replicator and led her to the bench, “and we would have had this bench to sit on in the evenings.”
“Unless there was a plasma storm.”
He hummed and gave a little smile. They sat in silence for a while, just sipping their tea, Chakotay’s arm around her shoulders.
“I wonder how we’d have gone on, if Tuvok hadn’t struck a deal with the Vidiians?” she stared into the distance.
“I suppose we’d have grown old together, maybe raised a couple of children,” he teased.
She gave him a sideways look. “Children?”
He shrugged and took a mouthful of tea.
“Did you program in the bathtub?”
“I did, and it works, just as it did then.”
“Would it be silly of me …?”
“No, after all, that’s what it’s for.” He stood up, “shall I get you a towel?”
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The bath was deep enough to cover her to just below her shoulders, it was at the perfect temperature and with her preferred bath salts in it. Chakotay leaned against a tree and told her of all the things he would have done for her, for her comfort, for her pleasure.
“What do you think would have happened if Tuvok had arrived a week later?”
“I think we’d have moved on from ‘parameters.”
She giggled. “I was being a bit ridiculous, wasn’t I?”
“Maybe, but you had built a wall around yourself that had to come down, first. I think you may have been a little afraid of throwing away all that you believed in. Though, to be honest, I still can’t find that protocol about senior members of the crew fraternizing.”
“I suppose if I thought of it like that it was easier not to get involved …”
“Hiding?”
“Probably.” It was easier to talk, if she wasn’t looking at him, airing her thoughts out loud.
“Now?”
“Still afraid.” She admitted.
He moved to stand at the head of the bath. “Knots?”
“Hmm?”
“In your neck, knots.”
“Maybe.” She tipped her head forward and felt his hands dip into the water and start the still familiar massage. Still familiar after five years. There was silence as he worked the knots, silence apart from her appreciative humming. Under his fingertips he could feel her pulse quicken, and her breathing. As much as they both were becoming aroused, he would wait until she was ready, even if it took the remainder of the journey.
“You’re still very good at that,” she hummed, lifting a hand out of the water. “I’m beginning to go prune-like.”
“Never,” he laughed.
“Towel, please,” she rested her hands on the edge of the bath.
He held the towel and looked upwards as she stepped out. She wrapped it round herself then looked up at him. “Thank you,” she whispered.
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They walked back to her quarters; this time she did take his arm.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered, at the door, “for shutting you out. You are my best friend, Chakotay, I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“I’m here when you need me, for whatever reason, Kathryn.”
“I know.”
He bid her goodnight and wished her pleasant dreams, before heading to his own quarters next door.
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As Chakotay undressed he wondered if Kathryn would continue to make, what she imagined, were poor mistakes when it came to her personal life. Sometimes loving her meant keeping away from her, and sometimes in broke his heart to see her as unhappy as she was over Jaffen, and part of him wanted to go right back to Quarra and give him a piece of his mind. Talking about New Earth, and what they both imagined things would have been like if Tuvok hadn’t made the decision to disobey her orders had made him wonder if there really was a Starfleet protocol that forbade captains from having relationships with lower ranks. He decided to do a little research.
By the time he had gone through all the protocols he could find, and the ‘parameters’, he had come to the conclusion that it was Regulation 1138 and that she stuck to it in case the Advocate General thought it was detrimental to the running of the ship. She also did it for her peace of mind and to stop her protecting that person more than she would any other member of the crew, making irrational and unwise decisions and to prevent herself getting hurt. It didn’t prevent her getting hurt, but at least she didn’t have to work with whoever had hurt her day in and day out.
“Right, Kathryn Janeway,” he decided he ought to get a couple of hours sleep before his shift, “I love you, and I know you have feelings for me, so …” he promised himself he would not cross the boundaries until she was ready, but he intended to very old fashioned and ‘court’ her.
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He didn’t start his courtship of Captain Janeway immediately; he was just his usual self, supporting her as First Officer, so she didn’t notice anything different.
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The rose was pink, set in a slim vase by her bed. There was no reason, no occasion for a rose to be given to her, but it was perfect. She leant close and inhaled the scent. It wasn’t replicated; this must have come from the airponics bay. Who would go to the trouble of taking a rose from there and leaving it for her? Not Tuvok, Tom wouldn’t think of doing something like this unless it was for B’Elanna, Harry would be too scared - that left Chakotay. Surely not. He was kind, and gentle and supportive but he would never cross the line, wavy though it may be. But he was the only one who would override her door lock. She chose to think of it as something to cheer her up as she could still withdraw now and again.