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“Charles, no. There is work to be done. I do not have time to waste.” Charles sighs heavily. He’s been trying to convince Edwin to take a break and regress for the first time in a month. Honestly, he’s surprised Edwin hasn’t regressed involuntarily yet. It usually only takes him a day or two of repressing it to finally slip, but Charles can tell it’s been at least a week. He may not be regressed, but he’s close, and he certainly has tells.
“Come on, Edwin. It wouldn’t be wasting time! Don’t breaks like, increase productivity, or something?” He doesn’t really know what he’s talking about, but it sounds like something Edwin would say to convince Charles to regress. Why not turn it back on him? Edwin doesn’t seem thrilled about this tactic.
“I am perfectly productive already. I need not ‘interrupt my flow’, as one would say.” Alright, enough faffing about. Time to break out the big guns. Charles approaches Edwin, putting his hand on his arm and ducking to meet his lowered eyes.
“But wouldn’t it be so nice to regress? We could put all that boring paperwork aside and just relax, yeah?” Edwin glares at him half heartedly, no doubt knowing exactly what Charles is trying to do.
“Charles…” He struggles to keep his words from drawing out into a whine. “I’ve got work.” Oops, that was definitely a whine. Damn it.
“Sure, but I think it could definitely wait until you’re nice and refreshed. You might even be able to work even better, then.” Edwin huffs at him, swallowing to try and push back the waves of emotion starting to course through him.
“I don’t want a break. I want to go back to work.” His tone is getting increasingly whiny, and Charles is acutely aware that they’re in risky territory here. He needs to really think about what he says next.
“I know, mate. But I think it’s a bit too late for that, yeah? You’re already acting like you’re starting to feel small.” Evidently, this was not the right thing to say. In fact, it seems to be the exact opposite of the right thing to say, seeing as it immediately sets Edwin off. Suggesting that he might already be regressing seems to have been his final straw.
“No! No, no, no! I am not small!” He shouts, and firmly crosses his arms. Charles takes a deep breath. Stay calm. It’s not personal, Edwin is just overwhelmed.
“It’s not a bad thing, love! It’s okay if you’re feeling small, we can work on paperwork tomorrow.” Edwin whines petulantly.
“No! I’m big, work on it now!” He stomps his foot dramatically. Charles bites down on his tongue, taking another breath, this one slower. He hadn’t originally realized how much caregiving was going to make him work on his issues, but he’s had to do quite a bit of recognizing and combatting triggers while caring for Edwin.
“Hey, kiddo, I know you’re feeling a lot of really big feelings right now, but remember how we talked about the stomping and banging around? Sometimes my brain gets confused and it makes me feel scared, right? So I need you to try not to do that.” Most of the time, Edwin is still present enough during a tantrum to listen when Charles says this. They’ve always emphasized with each other that caregiver boundaries are just as important as regressor boundaries.
As usual, Edwin takes a big deep breath, trying to calm himself down. He presses his fists together, knowing how important it is for him to try to relax. How important it is for Charles’s sake. They had seen in the past what happens when Charles isn’t quick enough to intercept a tantrum before Edwin goes off the deep end, and it definitely doesn’t go well for either of them. Once he’s calm enough, Edwin responds.
“Sorry… I didn’t mean to scare you.” Charles smiles reassuringly, his hand moving from Edwin’s arm to his cheek.
“It’s alright, love, you didn’t mean it. And you stopped when I told you I was feeling bad, you did good.” Edwin presses his fists together more roughly, signaling that he’s trying to find the words to convey his feelings. It’s quite the task for a repressed Edwardian who’s been to hell and back (pun very much intended).
“I feel… scared.” He confesses. They’ve found that having him start with an ‘I feel’ statement can give Charles some guidance on what questions to ask, which in turn makes it easier for Edwin to talk about.
“Good job, I’m proud of you for admitting that. I know it’s hard. Would you be willing to tell me what you’re scared of?” He asks, giving Edwin the option to say no. Forcing him to talk about his feelings wouldn’t get anywhere, and Charles wouldn’t want to do that even if it did. Edwin might be regressed, but he still has boundaries.
“I’m scared that… if I slow down and stop working then the night nurse is gonna get mad. I don’t…” His breath hitches, and tears start to form in his eyes. He looks at Charles desperately, grabbing ahold of his hand and squeezing like he’s afraid to let go.
“I don’t want to go back to hell. She’ll send me there if I don’t work! I have to keep working!” Sensing that he’s about to spiral again, Charles wraps his arms around Edwin, pulling him into a hug. Edwin hides his face in his shoulder, feeling like if he looks up, that horrifying doll spider that tortured him for so long is going to be waiting for him.
“I understand why you’re scared, love, but let’s try to think logically here. You’re good at that, yeah? To send you back to hell, she’d have to go through her superiors first. Remember that nice lady we met that told us we could stay? She wouldn’t send you to hell just because you took a break, would she?” Edwin takes a moment, then he shakes his head against Charles’s shoulder.
“That’s right. And, even if she did send you back, I’d be right behind you. No matter what, I’d come get you. Not even the afterlife could stop me.” Edwin clutches him tighter.
“What if they sent you to your afterlife and you liked it more than me?” Charles pulls away at this to look Edwin in the eyes, his hands still on his shoulders. It feels starkly similar to the hell confession.
“Listen to me. No afterlife could ever compare to what I’ve got here. If they did send me to mine, I’d break out of there just like you did with hell. I mean it, nothing would ever stop me from coming to get you. I promise.” Edwin sniffles, a few tears starting to fall from his eyes. Charles smiles at him.
“I think someone needs some time to relax, yeah?” Edwin shifts slightly, his teeth biting down on his lip for a second. He looks a little uneasy about the affection Charles is showing, and, well, thirty years together definitely didn’t make it hard for Charles to read his body language.
“Oh, now you’re starting to feel small, aren’t you? Were you holding back on me? There’s no need for that, mate.” Edwin clenches his fists nervously, a whine bubbling out.
“But it’s embarrassing.” Charles grins good naturedly.
“Aw, no it’s not! I love seeing my tiny little one. In fact, I’ve missed it loads.” He pinches Edwin’s cheek and his face turns a soft shade of pink.
“Daddy.” He whines on instinct. He freezes a second later when he realizes what he said. Charles looks frozen too. They’ve both been regressing for years, and not once have they used anything other than their names.
“Did… did you just call me daddy?” Charles asks, in shock, as Edwin puts a hand over his mouth.
Just as he’s about to explain himself, Charles lights up with a smile that could rival the sun.
“You did! You called me daddy!” Edwin looks away, clearly embarrassed.
“Sorry… didn’t mean to.” Charles puts a hand on his cheek, tilting his face toward him. Edwin just closes his eyes, afraid he’s going to see contempt or disgust in Charles’s eyes. Logically, he knows Charles wouldn’t look at him like that. But he called him daddy, why wouldn’t he be freaked out? Surely that’s pushing all kinds of boundaries.
“Nothing to be sorry for. It’s fine if it was just, like, a one time thing. But I kind of liked it. I’m honored that you love me enough to call me that.” Edwin finally looks at him, opening his eyes to see the pure adoration on Charles’s face.
“There he is. See? Everything’s alright.” For a minute, Edwin just looks at him. He can’t explain it, but Charles just gets this look in his eyes when Edwin is regressed. It’s so gentle and loving, and it makes Edwin feel so much smaller so quickly. In an instant, rational thought goes right out the window.
“Daddy.” He says again, more confidently this time. He reaches out and makes a grabbing motion at Charles, who laughs and picks him up, hoisting him casually onto his hip.
“There’s a lad. You want daddy to hold you, yeah?” Edwin groans softly and looks away from Charles, avoiding his eyes. He’s betrayed, however, by the way he naturally snuggles closer, comforted by the way Charles seems so willing to become the fatherly caretaker he never had. Fathers didn’t really do a whole lot of loving in his time, and they certainly didn’t love the way Charles loves.
He closes his eyes, no longer feeling the need to be on edge, watching and waiting for the night nurse to come and take him away. Charles wouldn’t let that happen. And even if it did, he would come get him. His daddy would always come and save him.
He finally lets himself give in and regress entirely.