Archive of Our Own ^beta

Jesper wasn’t sure who else was home. It felt like everyone had been running in and out all day. Last he thought to check a clock he was sure Wylan would be on his way back from the Merchant Council. 

He knew Matthias was home, at the very least, because he’d just run into him and been given an incredibly vague set of directions.

Of course, Matthias left the hard job for Jesper, forked it off on him more like. Cause Matty was a big ole pansy when it came to shit like this. 

Shit like this being their stubborn omega partner acting weird. 

Kaz, not Wylan. Stubborn omega really didn’t narrow it down the way he thought it would. 

Matthias had been not so subtly avoiding mentioning Kaz’s designation out loud since their fight on the way back from that auction job, or maybe he just never mentioned it. The days between finding out about Kaz and the fight on the way back were a bit of an anxious blur in Jesper’s memory. 

Things were better now though, stable-er. There’s no point in drudging all those feelings back up! No sir! 

He knocked on the door to Kaz’s office. He insisted on taking Jan’s if he was going to be moving into the Van Eck mansion with the rest of the pack, “I want to go through his things, and systematically dismantle everything he valued that does not serve us.” He’d said. 

Wylan allowed it, with the clause that Kaz would have to keep the door open so he could get used to the fact that it wasn’t his fathers office anymore. He also wanted final say on any of his father’s business dealings Kaz chose to destroy. Kaz agreed with a surprising lack of renegotiation. 

They even shook hands on it. Like dorks. Kerch dorks. 

Kaz got the okay to close the door a month or so ago. Coincidentally around the time Wylan had finished that mural on the door he’d been spending most of his free time on. 

“Come in.” Kaz called. 

Jesper opened the door and instantly began assessing the situation because Matthias’ “You should check on him, please.” was, as previously mentioned, vague and borderline panic inducing. Matthias got on them all the time for talking about horrible things like they were normal, but Matthias had once described a job in which he got stabbed as “A little harder than anticipated.” He was a hypocrite, and “you should check on him” could mean anything from Kaz is a little grumpy and snapped at me to I believe Kaz may need to amputate his leg, and not the one you’re thinking of!  

Kaz was still dressed in what he likely left the house in to go attend to things at the slat/with the dregs early in the morning, gloves and all. That was weird, but not weird enough for Matthias to make a fuss about. He was as good as any of them at convincing Kaz he should be comfortable once he’s home even if he’s going to keep working in his office. 

Jesper grabbed the extra chair they kept next to Kaz’s desk for the stated purpose of watching over his shoulder and bothering him while he works, and placed it next to Kaz so he could watch over his shoulder and bother him while he works. 

“Did you need something?” Kaz asked, clipped and sharp. 

Jesper already got what he needed. He’d suspected it earlier when he opened the door, but now that he was closer to Kaz he knew for certain what Matty’s problem was. 

Kaz didn’t have a scent. 

Which was against house rules. 

No one was allowed to wear anything to mask or disguise their scent once they got home unless it was for an extremely good reason. Nina and Inej had said it was because of closeness and reaffirming bonds and a buncha other shit Jesper can’t remember. 

Because the real reason was just Kaz and his stupid thick modesty collars and ridiculous leather bracelets. Kaz was the only bastard who’d pull emotionally avoidant nonsense like that knowing how sick it could make him. 

Has made him. 

He doesn’t answer Kaz immediately, allowing himself a moment or two to calm down from the bit of annoyance that is pricking beneath his skin. That’s why Kaz hadn’t changed. 

The annoyance faded with the realization that it had been a long time since Kaz last pulled this trick. Jesper felt the worry flood back in. He wasn’t trying to purposefully make himself sick, something was wrong. 

“Did something happen today?” He kept his voice soft, not providing any fodder for Kaz to start a fight, “you seem uncomfortable.” 

Kaz kept scratching at his notebook, but the look on his face has certainly taken on more murderous intent, “No. Is that all?” 

“Wow, I’ve been convinced.” Jesper replied flatly. 

“I don’t have time to put on a whole play for you, Jesper. I’m busy.” 

Jesper didn’t point out that the work Kaz was doing didn’t look any different from the work he did every night which meant it probably wasn’t time sensitive in any meaningful way. Kaz was lying. It didn’t need to be pointed out. 

Jesper reached across Kaz to pick up a discarded pen.

Kaz growled which was uncalled for ! Usually, that would have Jesper dropping whatever he was planning to take like it had caught fire (and he might’ve flinched a little) but he kept the pen and began twirling it between his fingers. 

Kaz stared at the pen like Jesper fiddling with it was a personal affront for a few moments before huffing and returning back to his work. 

Jesper can’t help his twitchiness. This was grating on him. The feeling of not quite right returned beneath his skin. It was fine when they were out in the city, but Kaz is home and some idiot part of Jesper’s brain is pissed that he doesn’t smell like home . He smells and is acting like work and that is borderline unacceptable! 

Fuck it, he’s done with trying to be gentle about it. He’s not Inej. He’s too impatient. 

“Do you need help with the laces?” Jesper asked. He knew the answer, but he wanted Kaz to know that he wasn’t really hiding anything just because he couldn’t see the coverings over his neck and wrists. 

“I’ll get them once I’m done.” Kaz said, like he ever undid his own laces without swearing to personally beat whoever’s idea it was to put the laces for modesty collars in the back to death and then toss them into a canal. 

Jesper doesn’t relent, he was more than prepared to get annoying about this. What was Kaz gonna do? Kick him out? They shared a bed that would only stop him for so long. He leaned a little further into Kaz’s space,  “Or I could get them right now and you can keep working, more efficient that way.” 

Kaz finally snapped, “ Jesper !”

…Jesper’s sure that was supposed to come out harsh or scolding.

But what it was, was a whine. 

A cross his heart, kill him dead, whine of discomfort . 

Kaz slammed a fist on the desk. Jesper didn’t even blink 

He was frozen. He felt the metal of the pen in his hand start to give in the places where his fingers pressed into it. 

“My throat’s dry.” Kaz said after a moment. 

“That’s not even a good lie.” Jesper said, voice strangled and disbelieving. 

Kaz just sighed, reached a hand up to run it through his hair, get the strays out of his eyes. 

“Did you hurt your fist?” He asked

“Stings, but that was kind of the point.” 

Jesper nodded, “I’m going to undo the laces now.” 

He wasn’t asking, but he still waited for Kaz to respond, “…okay.”

Jesper stood, feeling more sure of himself as he did, and stepped behind Kaz. He pulled down the collar of the black sweater he was wearing-

Kaz was wearing the one Jesper got him as a gift. Black leather, like all of his other ones, but with silver birds in flight stitched across the length of it, a city skyline done in black thread across the bottom.

Jesper shook his head to clear it of the sappy, fuzzy, feeling and pulled the laces out from where they’d been tucked away. He pulled them free of the knots they’d been tied into, and slipped the collar from Kaz’s neck. 

Lying is a skill, talent varies person to person, you can develop it with enough practice, and some folks are just naturally gifted in it. 

Keeping your scent from giving away your every single thought and feeling was a skill much like lying. You amplify some things, tamp down others, it becomes habit after long enough. Most people get a handle of it when they’re teenagers. It’s a part of growing up, finding your place in society, all that good stuff. 

Kaz wore items that blocked his scent twenty-four hours a day, every day, from the time he was twelve until he was a few months away from eighteen. 

When Jesper removed the collar and placed it on the table Kaz’s attempt to hide the gut wrenching scent of lonely miserable omega with general annoyance at Jesper was kinda like a child trying to hide something broken behind their back and loudly proclaiming “Nuh uh! I didn’t drop anything!” 

Jesper tried his best not to show any visible reaction on his face, “Wrists too, c’mon.” 

“If I take them off now, you’ll vomit. Give it a minute.” Kaz grumbled. 

“If you’ve been wearing them long enough for that to be true a minute is too long to wait I would think.” Jesper grumbles, but sits back down next to Kaz.

 “Can you stop staring at me?” Kaz spit out. 

“Do you want me to go?” Jesper asked, because he’d been waiting for Kaz to tell him to leave, or fuck off, or something …and he hasn’t. 

“Is that what I said? Do you need your hearing checked?” 

Jesper looked away, for a moment he wondered if he saw Kaz relax at that, or if it was just in his head. 

Huh. 

Actually, this felt familiar. 

The memories came back to him flashbulb bright. Nights where Kaz seemed to be on the warpath, scaring the shit out of everyone because he’d been up in his office so long folks thought he’d gone off on a solo job. He’d go up and down the halls chewing anyone out who so much as breathed at him wrong and those who did were silently thanked for their service as everyone else snuck away to avoid being next. Days where Kaz would drag him (always him because Inej had “more important business, Jesper.”) from one side of the city to the other for no other discernible reason than to stand around looking pretty. ( A task which he did magnificent at, thank you oh so very much.) 

At least Kaz moving in saved some sleep for those over in the slat. 

They probably all think Jesper’s crazy come to think of it. If Brekker kept a pack in any way similar to how he kept the dregs on those bad nights he’d certainly wonder if he lost it. Finally threw away his self-preservation instinct (whatever was left of it) and dove straight into the deep end of his horrible crush on Kaz. 

Inej had promised him it wasn’t obvious. He’s almost certain she was lying about it. 

 “You’re going to hurt yourself.” Kaz said, the sharpness from earlier gone completely, replaced with something vaguely resembling exhaustion. 

Jesper was about to crack a sarcastic, “hah hah.” At the joke clearly about him being lost in thought, but then he followed Kaz’s eyes to his hand. 

He must’ve picked up the pen again. 

Well, it’s not really a pen anymore. 

The used-to-be-a pen was now a mass of  jagged metal taking on a vaguely circular shape 

“Sorry, boss.” Jesper mumbled, setting the new paperweight(?) onto the desk and clasping his hands together on his lap. 

“It’s fine, you can just pick me up a new one when you have the time.” Kaz scent flares with that sourness again. Not the rot from when he got sick, thank the Saints, but still unpleasant. He tenses, Jesper recognizes the way he holds his body from when his leg is really bothering him. Completely still, barely breathing, like the pain can only see movement.

When it passes, Kaz lets out a deep sigh, “I hate this.” He says under his breath as he exhales. 

“I know.” 

Kaz scoffs, “You don’t even know the half of it, it's not thrashing around in your skull.” 

“We could share the misery, if you want. Then it would and you can get the satisfaction of inflicting it upon me.” Jesper offers, it’s more of a plea to allow him to help than anything else, but they didn’t need to say that.

“You need to stop offering to let me do anything to you.” Kaz says flatly, “People are going to start worrying.” 

Jesper snorts, the joke taking him by surprise, “Only you, Kaz.” 

Kaz cracks a small smile, “I mean, you should stop offering it to everyone else too, but I do think the main concern is me, yea.” 

“I want to take this on if it's for you.” Jesper says, quieter than before, leaning closer into Kaz again. He wants to lean against him, wants to pull him away from the stupid office onto someone soft and hold him even though it would probably make Kaz bitch like it always does. Jesper wants to be close to Kaz right now, but he still hasn’t taken his gloves off. He hasn’t given Jesper the okay, or said that he only kept them on to hide the leather bands covering his wrists, so he can only lean in closer, speak softer, “Whatever it is, I’m sure I can handle it.” 

“I hate this.” Kaz says again, because sometimes you need to repeat things. Sometimes the thing that has to be done sucks and you want the world to know it even as you do it. Jesper knows that Kaz is going to tell him now, and he tells himself he can feel all the big emotional things he’s feeling about how far they’ve come from who they used to be later . 

“I know.”

He can be a big sap once Kaz is feeling better. Once he is calm and safe and probably asleep Jesper will pencil in some time to cry about how much he loves his best friend and their little pack of odds and ends who are all trying so hard to be better and make this work. 

Kaz tugs his gloves off, then fiddles with the ties on the bracelets tightly encircling his wrists, undoing them and pulling them loose before laying them on the desk next to the collar. 

It takes focused effort for Jesper not to react when the scent hits him again. It doesn’t make him sick, but fills him with that sinking feeling as he’s faced with how awful Kaz must be feeling. There was a reason Kaz was trying to hide it, Jesper doesn’t need to make things worse by proving him right. 

Kaz doesn’t say anything, just sits there glaring at his notebook and looking furious with himself for something he can’t control. 

Jesper doesn’t want him sitting in that feeling for any longer than he already has, “Do you know why?” 

The look that flashes on Kaz’s face is more snarl than sarcastic grin, but Jesper understands the intent, “Oh, I am well aware. I’ve been trying to ignore it. I have work to do. I can’t lounge around being useless.” 

“Lounging around isn’t always useless. Wylan sketched me while I was having a nap the other day. Finest bit of artistry I’ve ever seen.” Jesper said, attempting to lift the mood. He poked Kaz in his side

Kaz’s hand batted at him but didn’t even come close, “It will only be like this for a few days. There’s nothing to worry about, really. I could keep all that shit on and stay in my office and no one will even notice.” 

“I noticed almost immediately” Jesper pointed out, “Part of loving someone is knowing when they’re acting weird, Kaz.” 

“Nina acts weird all the time and I don’t see anyone having a talk with her about it.” Kaz grumbled, turning a page in his notebook like he was planning to go back to work now that he answered exactly one of Jesper’s many questions. 

“What do you mean ‘like this’ what is going on, love?” Jesper asks before Kaz can distract himself out of fully participating in the conversation. 

“I need to pack to leave soon.” Kaz said in a tone that implied a secondary meaning but if there was one Jesper couldn’t have fucking seen it if it knocked him in the teeth and onto his ass. 

“While I love sharing fun facts about future plans together this doesn’t really seem like the time.” Jesper responded.

The flat look Kaz gave him was almost certainly intended to make him feel stupid for not getting it, Jesper, as a rule, refused to feel dumb over Kaz being cagey on purpose when that tended to be Kaz’s natural state of being, “Jesper, we lived together in the slat for long enough. Why do I pack a bag and go stay alone in a safe house for a week? Take a minute, think it through.” 

“You’re trying to be a dick right now, but I need you to know that you do shit that doesn’t make sense all the time and have never once thought it important to explain to me unless you absolutely had to.” If anyone asked Jesper about why Kaz Brekker does anything all he would have for them is a shrug. This fact is entirely Kaz’s fault and he doesn’t care who knows it, “At one point I just accepted that sometimes you disappear without a word and come back from solo missions with no more than a nod to say to anyone as you went back up to your office.”

“So I’ll turn that question back to you, Kaz. Why do you pack a bag and apparently hang out in a safe house for a week? You seem to have the answer, so this one should be easy!” 

Kaz grit his teeth, “Heat. Jesper.” 

“You still get those?” Was what came out of Jesper’s mouth! Those sure are words he said! Perhaps they should have gotten permission from Jesper’s brain before they decided to join this party! 

Kaz seemed more annoyed and confused than angry, though, so Jesper probably isn’t going to get punched for saying something that dumb. Always a plus. “Do I look fifty?” 

“Do they stop at fifty?” That was a genuine question, not at all helpful, but genuine. 

Kaz paused, thinking about it, “I- Per Haskell once made a comment that they did, but now that I think about it I probably shouldn’t have taken anything he said about biology as even approximating truth…so I don’t think I know.” 

“You could ask Nina. She knows about body stuff.” Jesper suggested

Kaz nodded, “Oh, I would rather take a swim in the harbor with rocks in my pockets, thanks.” 

“Fair.” Jesper said. 

And then they just sat in uncomfortable silence as the topic of their conversation finally caught up with them. 

It was almost embarrassing how long they spent staring at the wall (Kaz) and down at the floor (Jesper) like they weren’t fully grown adults who could talk about the natural parts of life.

The silence eventually got to Jesper, it always does. Sitting in silence was worse than any amount of awkward conversation could ever be for him, “So… that. ” 

“Mhm.” Kaz hummed, still staring at the wall. 

Jesper sure did open his mouth without knowing where he was going to go with this whole conversation. He wracked his brain for something that wouldn’t put Kaz on the attack, “How long do you have?” 

“A few days. Two I think, three if I’m lucky.” Kaz was holding himself like he was about to be marched off for public execution. Jesper hated it. He had no idea how to fix it. 

Once he pushed through the frustration of not being able to comfort Kaz in this moment, what he said sank in, “What the fuck?” He looked Kaz up and down, as if anything would seem different now that he knew, “You’re doing…surprisingly well.” Another flare of that horrible misery overtakes Kaz  and Jesper winces, “Or you seem it, at least.” 

“Thanks.” Kaz grunts sarcastically. 

“What are you feeling?” Jesper asked. He didn’t know a lot about what goes on during preheat. The biggest thing he did know was that it was different from person to person, which was more a problem than it was useful knowledge. Wylan said that his symptoms weren’t so bad compared to other people he knew. Jesper wasn’t sure if that was true or just something Wylan said to make his seem less bad. If that was his tactic it didn’t work. Jesper had seen how much preheat sucked for Wylan. Getting him to leave the bedroom in the morning had been a struggle from how terrified Wylan was to even face the rest of the house. Remembering that Jesper added, “How can I help?” 

A short strangled noise came from Kaz’s throat, then a deep sigh, “I’m not getting any more done today.” He says under his breath. Kaz closes his notebook, grabs his cane where it's leaning against the desk next to him, “Walk with me to our room?” 

Jesper nods, “Of course.” 

Kaz fills the silence with boring developments he’s noticed at the exchange and boring updates about the dregs. Jesper is certain he’s only doing it to keep him from asking any further questions Kaz didn’t want to answer. 

Jesper got the door for him, Kaz rolled his eyes and knocked him in the ankles with his cane. He pulled the force though, so he must not have been that annoyed by it. 

Kaz began pulling the thick curtains, a fantastic investment by Wylan for when they had to get some sleep before night jobs, or when they just wanted to sleep in. Jesper started on the other windows without a word. 

Once they were done Kaz pulled off his coat and got into bed. When Jesper didn’t immediately follow him, Kaz looked up, eyebrow raised, “Well?” 

Well that was enough of a go ahead for Jesper, Kaz wanted him here. He climbed into bed, pulling the comforter over both of them.  

He can just make out the features of Kaz’s face in the dark that’s taken over the room. He couldn’t see it, but the annoyed grunt was enough for Jesper to know that Kaz was rolling his eyes as he grabbed Jesper’s arm and tugged him closer. 

A good time hadn’t come up for Jesper to ask how comfortable Kaz was with touch at the moment. Kaz didn’t use his words about it, either, so at least they matched. He was fine with the manhandling, if it was helping Kaz get what he needed. 

When Kaz had decided Jesper was suitably close enough, he dropped Jespers arm onto his side. Jesper took the hint and hugged it around Kaz. 

Finally, the sourness of Kaz’s scent lessened and Jesper felt it as Kaz’s body relaxed . 

“Oh.” A punched out sound that barely seemed purposeful, “That worked…” 

“What are you feeling?” Jesper asked again because Kaz still hadn’t answered him. 

“It’s stupid” Kaz grunts, curling closer into him. 

Jesper leans down to lay a kiss on Kaz’s head, “I say stupid shit to you all the time. Your turn.” 

“It felt- still feels awful. Everything hurts and my head keeps shouting at me about how alone I am, which is stupid on a good day but incredibly dumb when I am literally in our pack house. I had to send some of the dregs on errands I had planned to do myself today because just walking from the Geldstraat to the barrel made me feel like I was moments away from being attacked in my own office. I wasn’t planning to come back until dark; but I just couldn’t stand being in the slat any longer, everyone was pissing me off.”

He shouldn’t have left in the first place. If everything felt this bad he should’ve stayed home to rest . Jesper thinks, but knows full well he cannot say. Kaz wouldn’t hear it, and it’s not like they could change events that had already happened, “You got more done than I ever would have. I would’ve been laid out on a couch bitching and moaning for the rest of the day if I had to deal with that.” 

“I’m used to it.” Kaz shrugs, “You’re helping, it feels…” He paused, searching for the word, “quieter.” 

“Thank Ghezen,” Jesper sighs in relief, “Not going to lie, I was feeling pretty useless for a bit there.” 

Kaz shook his head, “You aren’t useless.” He mumbled, voice slurring slightly. Was he falling asleep?

Jesper didn’t know what to say to that, it was a common feeling today, “You said you were in pain? Do you want me to grab your meds?” Kaz had pain medication, he rarely ever took it, but if he was tired and easily convinced…Jesper was gonna take advantage of it. That didn’t make him a bad partner. It made him a good strategist. 

“Jesper, if you move even an inch away from me right now I am going to take off a finger.” Kaz threatened into his shirt.

“...Do I get to choose which one?” Jesper asked

“No.” 

“Okay well, it seems that you’re serious.” Jesper joked wrapping himself tighter around Kaz. 

The sour notes to his scent were almost completely gone now. Jesper felt himself relax at the return of black coffee and hot chocolate warmth, “Close your eyes,” Kaz prompted 

Jesper smiled, “It's the middle of the day.” he pointed out

“And?” 

Jesper closed his eyes, “Alright, love, alright.” 

“Love you, treasure.” Kaz said, barely above a whisper.

“Love you too.”