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"You've redecorated."
Two words broke what had been a continuous stretch of ambient humming—a silence full of lingering disbelief. It took the Doctor aback for a second, previously lost in the heady recollection of past moments. A raven, an unbreakable wall shattered, a love forgotten and regained in his hour of need.
Her hands gripped the console tighter than before, her head shaking side to side, unwilling to let her brain play this game with her once again.
She'd heard those two words so often, in her dreams, waking and sleeping. Imagining the moment when she could turn around and smile at the person who spoke it. Embrace wholeheartedly once again. It always resulted in the abject disappointment of a missing figure. What was stopping it from being a false dawn once again?
Tangibility.
A soft and gentle touch brushed against her hand. She relinquished the console at once in pure shock before a kind hand took hers seconds later. A familiar hand. Memories came flooding in once again, these ones colder but somehow warmer. A mix-up at an entrance, ordering hot drinks, a bracelet, a hug. There was no need to brace herself for the impending reveal of the missing link in her life. It was reality. Right there, standing in front of her.
She smiled.
"I did. D'ya like it?"
The excitement in her voice was palpable, having waited for this moment for so long. Her eagerness swung her head directly towards the object of her desire, desperate for the approval, having not obtained all those years ago.
Clara giggled, her face illuminated by the console's light. She was dressed so sweetly in her orange jumper and black jeans, a glancing glow making her look ethereal—the Doctor's golden angel.
"I love it."
It took so much strength for the Doctor to not fist pump in front of her.
Instead, she took the initiative of taking Clara's other hand as softly as she did hers earlier. She had so many things to say. So many words to string together to create the sentences that could somehow explain what she was feeling right now. But for once, she let her hearts do the talking, content to let the brain rest for a few seconds.
"I still can't believe you're here."
"Neither can I. Holding your hands in here…" Clara sighed deeply "…I resigned myself to believing it wasn't possible."
"So did I."
Now, her brain had to step in to explain the circumstances that brought her to such a conclusion. The tragedy of Bill's fate, her doomed fight against the Cybermen, the refusal to go on, the chance encounter with her younger self and those who helped her through it. She stuck on the latter point, revealing what was Testimony. In her recollection of such horrors and heartbreak, her voice had broken a few times already, tears pooling in her eyes.
"I assumed you had gone back to Trap Street. I couldn't even mourn you because I had to regenerate and-"
Clara quickly embraced her, taking advantage of their closer difference in height, stroking the Doctor's back tenderly. She spoke softly but affirmatively into her ear, needing her to understand. "I'm still here. I'm not letting you go."
"Please." The Doctor pleaded.
"I don't know what bargain with the universe we made for this, but I am not taking it for granted. Not this time." Clara continued.
The Doctor nodded quickly as she released the hug. A few sniffles were followed by a deep sigh and a small laugh. "I thought I'd act a lot cooler when this happened. "
"You wouldn't be you if you did."
The talk of identity brought the elephant in the room to the forefront. Clara lightly touched the Doctor's cheek, the Doctor instinctively melting into her touch. As her eyes closed, Clara took the time to marvel at what she was seeing and feeling—not her boyish bow-tie enthusiast or her grey-haired Scotsman, but something in between, something new, something different.
"Even after all this time, I don't think I'll ever understand it. A whole new face. Well, a whole new gender this time."
"Yeah! Imagine how I felt. Never been a woman before. Still getting used to it." The Doctor said, scrunching her nose. She pressed her foot down on a pedal and produced two custard creams, offering one to her guest. "Want one?"
She took it gleefully and intrigued. "The console produces snacks now?"
"It's a new development." A shrug followed.
Clara popped it in her mouth regardless, her next question spoken with a mouthful. "Is it just you here?"
"Oh no. I've got a whole crew. A team. My fam."
"Fam?" Clara giggled. "What are you, 16?"
"Hey! Yaz, Ryan and Graham all like it. Especially Yaz." The Doctor argued before taking a few seconds. "At least I think she does."
"So, you've got a woman on board. Explains the bra then." Clara noted, arms folded, taking some steps. She could see the blonde fiddle about with some levers and buttons out of the corner of her eye. "I'd have loved to have been there for that fitting."
The Doctor cringed internally at the first attempts to develop that addition to her wardrobe. She'd be informed by Yaz that she couldn't not wear one if she wanted to walk around the TARDIS without a shirt on. Much as she protested that she could do it when she was a man, Yaz insisted the Doctor make the change, for Ryan and Graham's sake at least.
"It went fine! It just takes some getting used to." The Doctor said matter-of-factly. "What about you? You travelling with anyone?"
For the first time, Clara's smile wavered. Her mouth quivered and twinged with a story that would take an eternity to tell. She followed that by direct contact with the floor, avoiding the Doctor's gaze briefly. "No. Been knocking about on my own for a bit, actually."
"How long?" a growing concern filled the Doctor's voice.
"A few decades, a century or two. Doesn't matter." Clara waved it off.
The Doctor's hand stopped short of pulling the lever. She turned towards her, unwilling to believe what her ears had borne witness to. "Clara…"
"I'm fine. Honest!" she threw up a smile that served no purpose other than placating her old friend.
"Anyone who says they're fine is never fine." The Doctor spoke. She got the placatory grin to subside ever so slightly.
"Okay, maybe I'm not fine. But that's okay, you know? Just a part of the life. You know all about it."
"I do."
The Doctor crossed away from behind the console and approached Clara. She could see the smile fading by the second and her head beginning to drop. By the time she arrived, a delicate hand raising her head revealed the shimmering tears that started to fall down her face.
"It's hell, isn't it?"
Clara's sniffle was followed by a confirming nod. "I tried with so many people, but it never worked out."
"…Why not?"
She sadly smiled. "They weren't impossible."
"…. Then stay."
The words flew out of her mouth quicker than she could internalise what she said. It was a spur-of-the-moment thing at its core. A desire revealed that she hadn't intended to speak on. That was always the dream, right? It had been for so many nights, even when she didn't remember what the dream was. The hearts want what they want, right?
"Doctor, I-"
"Don't even argue. No one should ever have to live through that pain." Her hands shifted downwards and grabbed hold of Clara's. "Not on my watch."
"But you have another life now. Others to look after. People to care for."
"And I can't go another second seeing the person who taught me how to care, hurting like this."
Clara shook her head, taking a deep sobbing breath. "I don't know how long I can stay."
"We'll figure that out in due time. All I want is for you to let me help. How many times have you've done the same for me? Just this once, just for the hell of it, let me repay that debt."
Clara took a few seconds to compose herself and think it over. An eternity in the Doctor's head, even more so than usual. It was a bold offer to make, and she knew the amount of rampant confusion to come when she would introduce her to the Fam, but right now, her mind was made up. She just hoped that Clara's was also, specifically in her favour.
"…. Don’t suppose you still have my room on board." Clara gradually smiled. The Doctor grinned widely. She tiptoed slightly and kissed Clara on the forehead.
"It never left. I never knew what the room was for the longest while until I got my memories back. The TARDIS never removed it. Guess she was waiting for this moment too."
Clara sighed, the grin still intact. "So, we're really doing this, huh?"
"We sure are!"
"Can't wait."
"Come on, let me show you!"
Clara couldn't even respond as her hand was immediately grabbed tightly and tugged just as hard. She had no choice but to follow the Doctor in her trek towards her room, although it wasn't like she wanted to let go.
She wasn't letting go of this life ever again.