Work Text:
“I know how this looks but in my defence i didn't know they were talking about something so innocent”. Cole had been scrolling on tumblr and he saw a post on his feed,
Topitmunkey:
I killed a man
Photo courtesy of
Koodalinee
Again in his defence, he was sleep deprived and didn't think to check the photo before he chose to reply to the op in all seriousness, thinking this person did actually kill a person.
Thekfcchicken:
DAMNIT, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING CONFESSING TO YOUR
CRIME ON THE INTERNET?!
Here’s what you need to do.
Wash the knife in bleach and
throw it in a sewer grate across
town or a large local body of
water.
Smash the teeth out of the head
and collect them all, then grind
the teeth into dust (IN A
DIFFERENT LOCATION THAN
WHERE YOU STAY) and dispose
of them.
Cut off the fingers and strip the
flesh from the bone. Feed the
flesh to an animal or go all
Hannibal on it and consume it
yourself.
Now comes the tricky part.
You’re going to want to get a
hold of a ridiculous amount of
saran wrap, a large plastic
Sheet, some garbage bags, a
power tool that can dismember
a body (pay in cash and buy it
from a store outside of your city/
town), a change of clothes, and
a metric fuck-ton of cleaning
supplies.
Got it all? Good.
Roll the body on top of the
plastic sheet and dismember it.
(You’re going to want to do this
in a fairly clear, easy to clean
area), blood will spurt out of that
body insanely so you better
have a good stomach.
After you’ve got all the pieces
nice and transportable, wrap
them up in the saran wrap and
stuff them in the garbage bags
along with the clothes you were
wearing when you murdered the
victim and dismembered them.
Now, drive to the nearest auto
salvage yard and throw the body
(and the clothes you’re wearing)
in the trunk on top of a spare tire
or any nearby one you can find,
throw a heavy fuelant on top
(either a hefty amount of
gasoline or napalm
[gasoline mixed evenly with cat
litter or orange juice
Concentrate]). Punch out the tail
light, ignite the body, close the
Trunk, and get home.
Clean…
Clean so much.
Scrub until you cant anymore
and then fucking do it more. If
you think you’re being too
careful, you’re not.
Finally find a GROUP of friends
(people who understand your
murderous tendencies), and
form a solid alibi and stick to it…
Oh, and delete your tumblr.
Topitmunkey:
I killed a blueberry
Chaosandcalamites:
they are either a writer or a murderer
He knows how it looks but he's just really into true crime and stuff like that. And just happened to have a few different ways to flawlessly kill someone/ dispose of them and “HEY, I just like to be prepared just in case”!!
If his friends ever figure out that he did this he will never live this down.