Chapter Text
Chan drops onto the floor unceremoniously when Soonyoung calls for a break.
They have been practising the choreography for hours, and although they have made undeniable progress, everyone is tired. Seventeen's best-known feature – that elevated level of accuracy and synchronisation – requires a lot of hard work behind the scenes. So, long hours in the practice room are nothing new for Chan.
Minghao walks over to the sound system to stop the music before Junhui grabs his hand to lead him to sit. Seungcheol passes the omega his own water bottle, having only finished half of it. Jeonghan is sitting beside him, head tucked into the leader's neck with the other's arm wrapped firmly around his waist.
Chan isn't sure why he does it, but he runs his gaze across the rest of the practice room. All the members are sprawled out through the large space in pairs or trios. All the alphas are fawning over the omegas, ensuring they hydrate and are all alright after the rigorous practice.
Soonyoung softly apologises to Seungkwan for being harsh while teaching, the omega huffing in annoyance but melting into his hug regardless. Mingyu and Seokmin are busy annoying Hansol, determined not to let the youngest alpha close his eyes for a moment's rest. Jihoon, on the other hand, is halfway asleep with his head on Jisoo's lap. The alpha is in some discussion with Wonwoo, who brushes his fingers through the producer's hair unconsciously.
A familiar, hollow pang tightens behind Chan’s ribs – not his heart, but deeper, where the frayed threads of his pack bonds coil. This is a customary scene in Seventeen. The four omegas of the group are perfect in every way, so it's justifiable that the group's alphas are so attentive and protective of them.
After all, as an alpha, it is their duty to safeguard and nurture their omegas. That is their primal instinct, part and package of their basal urges. It is the amalgamation of genetics and anatomy.
The fact that the same instincts don’t transfer over to Chan is not a newfound discovery. He noticed it long back – the debut lineup was confirmed by Pledis first, and it was decided that the members would be a pack and everyone received the mating mark from Seungcheol on turning 18 and presenting – that the tenderness his alphas have for the four omegas is not something he has ever been subjected to.
And why should he?
Chan's sub-gender is a beta.
Not only is the purpose and position of a beta in a traditional pack ambiguous (raising the question of their importance and need in the first place), but their numbers have become scarcer with the passing of time. Currently, approximately 20% of the werewolf population consists of betas, and the number is on the decline.
Survival of the fittest has chewed and thrown them out of the gene pool. And with the falling census and social prejudice, it is predictably the least known and researched sub-gender too.
The maknae remembers the anticlimactic letdown he faced back when he had freshly presented, trying to read more about betas in the sterile school library. He found barely anything other than basic, well-known facts: population statistics, typical scent profiles (neutral to mild), and non-cyclical. Their education system isn't geared to teach sufficiently, and public libraries are under-equipped.
Getting his hands on scientific journals behind paywalls feels impossible – a wall of academic language and fees he can’t scale. Once, late and desperate, he stumbled on an abstract about ‘bond fracture in non-dominant sub-genders’. The clinical description of ‘psychic rupture’ and ‘catastrophic bond failure’ made his stomach turn. He closed the tab, chalked it up to fringe science. But the words sometimes echo in the quiet.
It has made things difficult because he has spent years since his presentation trying to figure out what his inner wolf wants and needs. He is still unsure whether he has everything figured out yet. There are still sides and aspects of him, both physically and mentally, that leave him scratching his head. Is the dull, constant ache behind his sternum a beta trait? Is the way his mind sometimes fogs over, and his body burns with phantom pains just… him? If it is due to him being a beta or just part of who he is, he doesn't know.
The rest of his members are just as clueless as he, if not more, and Chan has struggled to explain certain facets of his mental state and the effect of certain actions – or lack thereof – on the bonds he shares with them. He tried initially, a few times, but it never went anywhere and had zero productive outcomes. He still recalls the confusion and sheer lack of consideration he was met with.
I understand I messed up yesterday, hyung, but can you not yell at me like that, please? It makes me weirdly nervous. Just talk to me, tell me where I went wrong, but please don't scream like you did yesterday.
You're telling me being scolded affects you? Chan-ah if that's the case you shouldn't be making mistakes in the first place. Then hyung wouldn't need to scold you. What are you even saying? You are the one in the wrong and now I am the bad guy for trying to correct you?
Nothing is wrong, hyung. I just feel a little lonely, I guess.
Yah! How can you feel lonely with all of us around at all times? We are together most of the time through the day anyway. I would think we would need space from each other after being in each other's vicinity all the time. I think you feel homesick. Should I talk to Coups hyung? See if he can get us a few days off.
Hyung, how do the bonds feel for you?
The bonds? Uhm... I guess it's like an extended line – kind of like a red string. That connects me with you guys. Does that make sense? Why are you asking anyway?
Oh nothing. I meant how it feels for you. Like what emotions does it pass? Does it like – I don't know – ever hurt or something?
Hurt? No, I don't think so. Why? Yah Jungchan! Are you saying we hurt you? Hyungs are giving you a hard time or something? They are just teasing Chan-ah. Don't take it seriously.
Whatever he says, his hyungs always try to solve it. They try to fix things quickly when he tells them something is wrong. So quickly, in fact, that they often don't hear what he has to say and end up assuming on his behalf, giving a solution that isn't even applicable to his situation.
The beta isn't sure when exactly, but at some point, he stopped reaching out to his mates when he had any difficulty or wasn't coping well.
The youngest is used to being unheard. It makes him feel a little invisible, but he has long given up trying to explain his emotions to his lovers. They wouldn't get it anyway. They are not betas, nor do they have anyone in their family or friend circle who is one to get a second opinion from.
He is alone.
So Chan understands if he isn't coddled like the other omegas. He isn't one, after all.
He was supposed to be one. That is what everyone had expected. His family, his members, heck – he had been sure he would present as an omega too. So when he realised he was a beta instead, on the day of his 18th birthday, he was thrown off. Everyone in the pack was, too, but they quickly chalked it up and helped him out in whatever way they could.
Kids raising a kid. That was what it was.
It doesn't help that Chan is the eldest child at home, as he has trouble letting go to just relish being the maknae. He was very eager to have a mature image, something that reflected part of his real personality too, so he was the one who shied away from the members when they tried to baby him back in their rookie days.
So obviously, the members have instead gotten very used to teasing and rough-handling him like an alpha. But he doesn't have the power, presence, or authority of an alpha. And by the time it is all done and the dust has settled, it is too late for Chan to tell them it gets too much at times and ask them to back off a little, to love him a little harder, to handle him gently like fragile goods, to look after him, too.
He is the one who pushed them away anyway. This is his fault, and he has no one but himself to blame.
Chan is just a beta.
So he understands that he is left alone to his own devices. The omegas are a higher priority and are more sensitive than him. And it is second nature to the alphas to want to look after them. He gets that. He doesn't want to interfere in that either. He isn't inherently a cruel or jealous person. But –
Is it too much to ask for if he wants some of that love on him? Just sometimes. He isn't too greedy or selfish. He will be happy with just a minuscule amount of his pack's attention. A little reminder that he is their lover too, instead of a pack member they don't know what to do with. He doesn't like feeling like he is a burden on his hyungs. He feels the hollow pang sharpen into a cold spike. His control is starting to slip.
No. Not now and not here.
With a little effort, the beta pulls himself up, hurriedly heading out the door with a few missteps. He doesn’t get stopped or questioned. Chan doesn't think his mates even notice; everyone is too busy with each other. He blinks back the unshed tears, not wanting to be seen in such a vulnerable state.
He rushes into the nearest washroom and locks himself into the nearest stall, already panting heavily. His heart is racing, and his vision is blurry with tears. He forces the bile down his throat, leaving a burning, bitter aftertaste.
He feels the world tilt – the edges of his vision softening, his thoughts slowing to a thick, instinctual hum. His wolf is pushing forward, a desperate, wounded thing seeking to shield him from the pain. He rests his head on the door, eyes squeezing shut as he forces his breathing to stabilise. It is hard when he feels his heart breaking. There is a strange tingling at the base of his neck, right over his pack mark, and he tries to scratch and get rid of it.
After who knows how long, Chan finally feels a little better. Or at the very least, he feels in control.
That is good. It's enough for now. His breathing is still laboured, and he feels a hollow emptiness inside, but that is familiar and expected. He feels exhausted. He just wants to sit alone in a dark room and cry. He wants to sleep. He needs rest. He has to –
The sound of the washroom door shutting grabs his attention, paired with shuffling footsteps.
Someone is here? Are his hyungs looking for him? Did they notice his absence in the practice room?
Jihoon's voice cuts through his thoughts, followed by an impatient knocking that rattles his body, which is leaning against the same door. "Yah, Lee Chan! Get out. You have been in there for ages. We are waiting to go home. Hurry up."
Ah, of course. They can't go home without him. That is why they are looking for him. He should have known. Seungcheol hyung must have done a headcount and realised at the very end that number 13 was missing. His stupid, traitorous heart! How dare it hope, for just a second, that he is important to his mates?
"Coming, hyung. You go ahead. I'll join you in a second."
"Alright. Hurry up, maknae. We are all tired."
Once Chan hears Jihoon's receding footsteps and is sure the omega has left, he exits the stall. He regrets looking in the mirror. His eyes look vacant. It looks like his soul, body, and wolf are in three separate dimensions. Quickly splashing water on his face helps very little in making him feel like himself.
He still feels detached. Forcing himself out of his headspace alone, without anyone to guide and break his fall, always has that effect. The maknae speculates it is a coping mechanism, but unfortunately, more often than not, his emotional distress peaks at the wrong time, wrong place, and he can't afford to slip and let his wolf take over.
He doubts his hyungs even know that betas have a headspace. Chan isn't sure himself, but he presumes it must be similar to an omega's subspace.
An omega in subspace needs to be brought back gently; the switch between the headspace and reality is made as smooth and seamless as possible, or they can have a drop that will adversely affect their emotional well-being. He has seen his pack help the omegas out of subspace many times. They are so sweet and attentive, always careful and tender, long after they are out just because they can and want to.
He has read that it is difficult for an omega to pull themselves out of subspace and that it leaves a mental scar if done forcefully. A sub-drop is dangerous. But that is for omegas. He isn't sure if the same applies to betas. He is just glad he has learnt to handle it on his own.
He can't help but wonder what it would feel like to be guided out of that headspace by someone else from his pack. Would he feel less emotionally drained and disoriented? Although he doubts his lovers are even interested enough to hear what he has to say. They already have their hands full with the omegas, and he doesn't want to add to that.
The result will be him being left alone again because he is mature and independent and can handle himself. Or at least, the image of him that his mates have can. And he will be left with more heartache. Honestly, he would rather take this hollow void and fatigue than the emotional distress and heartbreak he feels otherwise. Maybe it's for the better.
Oh well. It's not like his pack cares because he, evidently, doesn't matter enough for all that effort.