Chapter Text
It's a quiet day in the Dude's trailer, for once. Since leaving Paradise behind, things have been so normal that it feels strange. Dude feels like doing nothing on a day like this, spending his time in a yellow-tinted haze, somewhere between rest and reality.
Time crawls, and he gets the urge to get off at some point. Dude hasn't had the chance to act on his sexual impulses for what feels like way too long. He doesn't deny himself, because when does he?
It's an automatic routine, a finger breaking the waistband of his pants before pulling them down, then a hand around his dick. It doesn't take long for him to get hard.
"Eager, aren't we?" says the other him at the back of his brain, bringing a familiar headache.
"You know I'm in the middle of something, right?" Dude shoots back, not in the mood to deal with his brain's shit at the moment.
"Oh, I know," He can feel him smirking in there, "It's just been so long since you actually got some, I thought I'd help you out."
"That's gay, and what the hell would you know about this?"
"I was with a pornstar," in a dream, but neither of them mention that part. "Anyway, we're the same person, so it's just like getting off."
The Dude sighs, throwing his head back against the cushion of his shitty couch. He'd be lying if he wasn't at least a little into this. That must make him a narcissist, but oh well. "Do whatever the hell you want," he submits.
"Good, you and I both know you're into this anyway." Dude bucks his hips into his own hand as his alternate speaks in his mind. "I don't know why you're acting like you're not a whore."
If that was anyone else, he would shoot them in the head, but damn if hearing it like that doesn't turn him on more. "Shut up," he gets out between his quiet grunts.
The Other Dude just laughs at that. "I'm you, you think I don't know all of the freaky shit you're into?" The Other Dude says lowly, and Dude swears it feels like he's there, the phantom feeling of skin on skin. "You might not admit to being such a slut, but you don't have to." His thumb brushes over his tip, spreading pre over his dick, and this feels more like a handjob than jacking off at this point.
He feels like he should quip back, but between being pent up and on the verge of a climax, he just lets out an embarrassing noise of pleasure instead. "Fuck- come on already," he whimpers out, letting his self-control slip.
"Whatever you say, princess." His other self has an answer like always, as his hand speeds up before coming to a halt as Dude finishes, hot cum splattering over his shirt and stomach.
Dude lies there in the afterglow, breathing heavily with an arm thrown against his face. He tries not to think too hard about what just happened.
"You're welcome." His alternate self chimes in smugly.
"Fuck off."