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Published:
2025-08-15
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1,582
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1/1
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Everybody Loves Fir

Summary:

Everyone has a crush on Fir. Everyone except, apparently, the one person he actually wants.

Poor guy.

Notes:

This is very obviously not meant to be taken seriously. Also it's not my fault.

Work Text:

“Hey Fir, who here do you think is the cutest?” said Poo, in the middle of a round of hide and seek.

“What?” said Fir.

“We were arguing about it before you joined earlier,” Poo explained. “And you’re gay. So what do you think, who’s the cutest?”

There was a deafening silence.

“Uh,” Fir said. “I don’t know. Crafty?”

“Yes!” shouted Crafty as the others made general noises of dismay and outrage.

“It’s really a moot point though. We all know that Fir is the cutest of us anyway,” said Kirbs.

There was a chorus of agreement from the others, and Fir stared at his screen, bewildered. The only voice he couldn’t identify in the din was Smant’s, which just figured.

“Uhh, okay...” he said hesitantly, and luckily someone changed the subject.

 

Shortly after the game ended Fir received a Discord message from Crafty, which read: “heeeyyyyyy so i’m gonna be in seattle for pax west in a couple weeks. do you want to get dinner together?”

Fir told him yes, because of course he’d like to see his friend. He got a response quickly: “great! i found a place that’s supposed to be really romantic. :)”

Fir’s brain short-circuited. In quick succession, he typed: “wait,” and “hang on,” and “you’re not asking me on a date are you?”

He got back: “but you said i’m cute!”

“What the heck,” Fir muttered.

 

Mongy Monday started well, but midway through a meeting was called, and Altrive interrupted everyone to say, “I was in the holy land, as always.”

“Right, I saw him there,” said Jacob.

Altrive added, “My amogus was in the holy land of O2, but I was also in the holy land of my mind, which is where I go to worship Fir. Carnally. In a masturbatory sense.”

“What the heck!” Fir said.

“Keep it to yourself, Dash,” Jacob warned.

“Yeah!” added Sara. “So do the rest of us, but this is hardly the time to talk about it.”

“Oh my god,” said Fir.

 

Fir joined the next week’s hide and seek call a bit early, so it was just him and Poo for a little while.

After some innocuous conversation, Poo said, “By the way, I wanted to invite you to visit. I thought maybe we could have some fun, wink wink. And by ‘fun’ I mean sensual, salacious sex.”

“Don’t you have a wife?” Fir said.

“Oh yeah,” said Poo. “She loves to watch.”

“Oh,” Fir said weakly. “No, thank you.”

 

CJ hadn’t been at hide and seek or Mongy Monday the last two weeks because of his big cross-country move, and when Fir next talked to him he couldn’t help venting about it.

“And then Poo propositioned me for sex!” he said. “Can you believe that?”

“Doesn’t he have a wife?” CJ said.

“He said she likes to watch,” Fir told him morosely.

“Ugh, I really didn’t need to know that much about Poo’s sex life.”

Fir sighed, relieved that at least not everyone in his life had suddenly lost their minds. “Yeah, no kidding.”

There was a brief pause.

“You know, Della and I have an open relationship,” CJ said shyly.

Fir said: “Oh my god.”

 

“Did you know your boyfriend was hitting on me the other day?” Fir asked Della.

“What!” Della said. “That little rat!”

Fir’s stomach dropped. “He said you guys have an open relationship. I guess that was a lie?”

“Oh no, we do,” Della said airily. “I just can’t believe he’d leave me out of this! He knows I’ve had a crush on you for ages.”

“Uhhhhh,” said Fir.

 

“I’ve been meaning to say,” Jacob said, “I’m sorry about Dash last week. Sometimes he goes too far.”

“Er, thanks,” Fir said. “So it was just a joke?”

“No, no,” Jacob said airily. “But don’t worry about it.”

“Right,” Fir said.

“Anyway, I think it’s obvious you and Dash wouldn’t be compatible.”

Something about Jacob's intonation made Fir slightly nervous. “Riiiight,” he said.

“Not like you and me,” Jacob purred.

Fir groaned and buried his face in his hands.

 

“—turned me down too,” Crafty was saying when Fir entered the next week’s hide and seek call.

“Uh, guys?” Fir said, apprehension already pooling in his gut.

“That’s probably just because you guys were weird about it,” Kirbs said.

“C’mon, why are we always talking about this?” Smant whined, which was mildly horrifying. The pout in his voice was audible.

Kirbs ignored him. “I’ll show you all how it’s done.”

“Please don’t,” Fir implored him.

“Fir, would you do me the glorious honor of a date?” Kirbs said, class and sophistication dripping from every word. “I can make it so good for you.”

“No!” Fir said, appalled.

“I told you,” Smant muttered peevishly.

 

“Ooo I got Sheriff! With Lovers, that’s so funny,” Fir said to his chat during the first round of Mongy Monday, a few days later. “With Giwi, it looks like.”

A little boop noise indicated a new message in the chat from Giwi: “hey lover.”

Fir snickered and sent back: “heeeyyy :3”

They danced around each other for a bit, and then Fir sent: “role?”

“lovers is the only role that matters,” replied Giwi.

“????” sent Fir.

“we’ve always been the best imposter duo too. the others are jealous of us.”

Fir hardly knew what to say.

“i think we should make this lovers role a reality,” Giwi added.

Fir stared at the chat log for a few long seconds, dismayed.

“babe?” Giwi sent.

Fir couldn’t take it anymore. He pulled the Sheriff trigger on her, killing them both.

 

Sardines was always a nice change of pace, Fir thought.

At least that was what he thought until it was his turn to hide, and Failboat found him first.

“You know,” Failboat said while they crouched together in their hiding spot, “Poo has invited me into his bed before too.”

“Oh no,” said Fir.

“He’s really an excellent lover. And his wife is a great watcher.”

“That’s nice,” Fir said gloomily.

“Would a threesome be more your pace?” Failboat asked, and Fir had to restrain himself from smacking his head against his desk.

 

“Did you see I got nominated for Speedrunner of the Year?” Aggy asked.

“Yeah, congrats!” Fir said.

“It would be a very prestigious prize to win,” Aggy said.

“I know,” Fir told him. “Good luck!”

“I can think of one prize I’d rather win though,” Aggy added.

After the last couple weeks, something about that automatically put Fir on edge. “Oh?”

“Speedrunner of the Decade!”

“Oh,” Fir said, relaxing.

“No, I’m just kidding,” Aggy said. “The prize I’d rather win is you.”

“Goddammit,” said Fir, with feeling.

 

“So what do you think? Can you mod that in?” Fir asked at the end of a meeting with Amethyst.

“Sure, should be no problem,” said Amethyst.

“Awesome! Thanks so much, you’re the best.”

“By the way,” Amethyst said, “I was wondering if you’d like to—”

“Noooo,” Fir groaned. “Please, not you too! I can’t handle any more come ons!”

“Huh? I was just going to ask if you wanted this to be compatible with hide and seek,” Amethyst said.

“Oh,” said Fir, deeply embarrassed. “Uh. No, that’s okay. And, uh, sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Amethyst said. “But actually, since you mentioned it, I was also going to ask if you thought maybe you’d want to go out sometime? I’ve always thought you were pretty foxy, heh heh.”

Fir sighed and left the call.

 

“For today’s Geoguessr, there’s gonna be a little prize for the winner!” announced Moarf.

“Wait, is Smant not here?” said CJ, bouncing his Mario around the Odyssey.

“Oh, er, no. He’s been winning too much lately,” Moarf said cagily. “I thought I’d give some, uh, others a chance.”

“Cold, bro,” CJ said.

It was a close race between Fir and CJ, but in the end Fir pulled out a solid win. Then Moarf said, “Congratulations Fir! Wanna know the prize?”

“Sure,” said Fir.

Moarf’s chest puffed out. “You’ve won a super sexy date with me, Moarf23!”

“Wait, what?” CJ shrieked.

Fir paused in his quest to help Crafty and Jay push a sleeping CJ off the edge of the map. “Uhhh,” he said. “Aren’t you married?”

“Ally loves to watch,” Moarf told him enthusiastically.

“Please,” Fir groaned. “Not this again.”

 

“It seems like the only person I know who hasn’t been hitting on me is you,” Fir said, trying not to sound bitter about it.

“Yeah,” Smant said, after a pause. “None of them will shut up about how cute you are.”

“I feel like it’s got to be all one big joke, right?”

“I... don’t think so,” Smant said. “They seem serious, unfortunately.”

“Ugh,” Fir said.

“Have you said yes to any of them?” Smant asked.

“Of course not,” Fir told him. Then, after some hesitation, “There is someone I want, but he hasn’t expressed any interest.”

“I thought you said the only person who hasn’t hit on you is me,” Smant mused.

Fir stayed quiet. The silence stretched.

“Oh,” Smant said, sounding pleased. “Do you want me to?”

Heat bloomed on Fir's cheeks. “Only if you want to.”

“Fir,” said Smant, “will you go out with me?”

“Oh all right, if I must,” Fir said imperiously. “But only to keep the others off my back.”

“You’re such a liar,” Smant said happily. “You totally want me.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Fir admitted. “But it’s definitely a perk.”

“Whatever,” said Smant. “They should all know by now that I always win.”