Chapter Text
Chapter One —
Thanksgiving 2002
‘Marry me.’ The words hung heavier on his heart than they did on the tip of his otherwise engaged tongue.
“Mulder.” Scully moaned softly into his mouth. He didn’t reply, deepening the kiss as her moaning increased, her breathing growing more shallow by the second.
He’d thought it from the moment they’d scurried into the car and hit the open road: ‘marry me’. The idea never left his mind, but he’d kept it to himself, unable to say it, not ready to let his guard down like that. She meant too much to him, too much to let the moment happen here, in the middle of nowhere. Here, in the hell hole he’d led them too.
But now, in a seedy motel, skin on skin between grimy sheets, the words clung to the edge of his breath, ready to make themselves known whether he was ready or not. But he held back, knowing better than to propose shacked up on the side of the road in a cockroach infested dump.
He had to savor it, let it rest on his heart until it the perfect moment came. Whenever that was.
Once they grew tired, he took her in his arms, hugging her tight from behind. He lie there quiet, enveloping her with his whole embrace, his hands held hers gently in his own, playing with her empty ring finger in consideration. She stopped him, clutching his hand, squeezing it.
It’d been several months since it’d happened. Their new, uncharted life had assembled with rapid speed. First, she’d given away their much loved baby boy against her will, then Mulder reemerged from hiding, was tried and soon wanted by the same organization they’d committed their lives to. And now, thanks in part to the Smoking Man, they found themselves on the run, but very much together.
It was a new start both were reluctant to make, but both of them knew it must be so.
‘It’s time to give her a real life,’ He thought. ‘To try and make it right.’
“Happy Thanksgiving Mulder.” She whispered suddenly.
Happy Thanksgiving? That was a bit of a joke, wasn’t it? Despite the well-intentioned thought, Thanksgiving would still be spent just as the last several months had: on the road to nowhere, in a diner, in a shitty motel, in a lonely car without their baby son.
He pulled away, rolling over on top of her again, resting on his hands and gazing down into her eyes, as if trying to take her all in: totally nude accept for the cross she never took off, deep blue eyes that showed no sign of all the pain he’d put her through.
“I’m so thankful for you Mulder.” She smiled, tears in her bright eyes as she took his unshaven face in her hands.
He closed his eyes in shame. He didn’t deserve that.
“I didn’t think I’d ever see you again.” She continued, laughing through her tears.
Scully couldn’t have lived with herself otherwise. Giving her son up to save him had been something she knew she’d never recover from, but loosing Mulder too would’ve sent her over the edge. Now that she was still there with him, it opened up new possibility: the improbable hope for a new start.
‘I thought I’d lost you forever Mulder … I can’t lose you.’ She wrapped her arms around him, pleading. “I can’t …”
He stopped her, pressing his lips deeply into hers as he ran his fingers through her hair, wanting, no, needing to keep her quiet. He couldn’t deal with the past tonight, needing desperately to think only of the future. She wrapped her arms and legs around him, doing everything she could to keep him as close as possible.
“I love you Scully. I don’t deserve to have you thankful for me.” He felt the need to remind.
“Please don’t ever leave me again Mulder, plea — “ She whispered, starting to cry as his lips and tongue met hers again.
…..
The sun came barreling through plastic blinds at first light, waking the beleaguered couple who stirred groggily in reply, neither ready to face the day ahead. Dump or not, the motel room had been something of a safe haven, one which neither one of them would ever forget. He kissed her neck, squeezing her tight as she yawned.
“Good morning.” She whispered, kissing his chest.
It’d been a long and wild night. The two, exhausted from making love into the wee hours of the morning. Sex had become their refuge in recent months, their sanctuary, and the only thing that remained constant in their lives. Scully kept her eyes closed, running her hands along his chest, realizing that the two of them were making up for lost time, channeling years of emotion and sexual tension into the most passionate nights either had ever experienced. The previous night had been no exception, nor was it the rule. It’d been extraordinary.
Mulder rubbed his nose against Scully’s, his eyes still closed, weary of the day ahead. It was the last thing he wanted to do to her: to make her leave their dumpy little refugee once again. But too long a time spent in any one place was a danger, and so the two were always on the move. In the summer, it’d been easier, maybe even a little bohemian. But now that the holidays and the winter weather were upon them, it was more of a struggle and beyond that, a more depressing business.
“I love you so much, Scully.”
The thought hit him again, pressing this time: ‘Ask her.’ It beaconed. But he couldn’t bring himself to. ‘Ask her, you idiot.’ He said to himself as she smiled back up at him. ‘She’s naked in your arms and she’s in love with you!’
But his fears ate at him. ‘I can’t loose her by asking. I can’t. What if she said no?”
But in what universe would she say no? Her world had been merged with his long before, and she’d given up everything, every semblance of normal life for the sake of his truth, to be with him. She’d borne his burdens and failed, and borne his son and lost him… And yet she’d told him all she’d do it over again.
In what universe would she say no? But months after his conviction and the loss of his son, Fox Mulder still felt a failure, and couldn’t risk failing at the one thing that’d always really mattered to him more than anything else: winning Scully’s heart forever.
He kissed her forehead simply, tears flowing down his cheeks at the realization that all this time, he’d been looking for the truth to complete him but Scully had been his missing piece.
“Come on.” He whispered. “It’s time to go.”
…….
A few hours later, Mulder found himself driving down the highway already more than a hundred miles away from where they’d spent Thanksgiving night, alone and having a torrid sexual dalliance in a dump. Scully sighed, listening to the Christmas music that played on the radio. The thought of Christmas brought joy to her heart until she realized she had nowhere to celebrate it… And that she’d been with William last Christmas, and had no clue where Mulder was.
“My baby.” She whispered, almost inaudibly, looking out at the falling snow.
“What?” He asked.
“Oh nothing. Nothing Mulder.”
He sighed, the holiday music nagging at him. Christmas. It was a family holiday, she should get to see her mother and brother. They should get to spend it with their baby son… Mulder’s heart ached over his lost son in a way he couldn’t tell Scully. She’d blame herself when he felt he was the one to blame. He’d been off truth seeking, and needed instead to have been protecting his son.
Sure there’d been pressing matters, and dangers for him. But nothing, nothing should’ve meant more than his son. He needed to have been there to defend the baby, to preempt the attacks against him. To try to hide him. That’s what a father was for and he’d failed at that.
Mulder put the thought out of his mind, feeling tears sting his eyes. He couldn’t let Scully see him cry over their son, even though inside, he’d never really stopped.
“What good am I?” He asked himself. “What kind of man am I, if I can’t defend my own son and his mother?” His inner voice aggressively charged.
Back when they met, even when he first admitted to himself that he was in love, he never imagined they’d have a son…
‘Our son.’ He considered, his heart longing.
The power of the statement, and everything it brought to mind rang in his soul, reminding him that because of the baby, the two of them were infinitely bound to each other, and would always be together in him.
In an instant, Mulder realized he was falling deeper in love with her, that the perimeters of his affections seemed to have no bounds. His heart sunk when Scully smiled up at him having no idea what he was thinking. It hurt so much to think about: his little son was someone else’s little boy that Christmas.
‘Yet another reason.’ He thought. ‘Why you shouldn’t ask her: you’re not good enough. You’re just not good enough.’
Mulder stared down into Scully’s eyes, knowing he’d let her down. He could’ve cried at the thought, knowing that in reality he was damn well good enough, but fate had not dealt him or his son the best hand.
‘Son. My son.’ He considered.
There were questions about the miracle child: who he was, and how he came to be. But Mulder knew without a doubt that William was his flesh and blood. He could see it and feel it in the baby, in a way he never had with anyone in his life, well… Not since he’d last seen Samantha.
‘My flesh and blood.’ He lamented quietly. ‘God…If she’s right and there is a God… What I wouldn’t do to do this dad thing over again…’
Mulder drove on, defeated by the false belief that he could’ve saved his son.
“We have to make him proud.” Scully paused timidly, as if reading his thoughts.
Mulder jumped, and stared back at her with wide eyes, taken aback. She moved to speak, but instead he took her hand and squeezed it in silent understanding, not wanting her to have to utter another word about what he thought was a fool’s errand. He kissed her fist as she continued.
“We’ll find him one day, and make everything okay.”
Fox gulped at the idea, thinking their son would hate them by the time they ever found him, that he wouldn’t understand. Or worse, that he would, and he’d take up his own crusade just as his father had before him.
“I’m thankful, you know.” She whispered as he drove, the snow gently blanketing the desolate road before them. “That you’re here with me, that at least we get to be together.”
He turned to her, noting her tearstained gaze. “I’m not enough.”
“Oh but you are. Yes you are.” She leaned over, kissing his cheek.
……
9 Hours Later, and 3 States Away
Mulder couldn’t hide his surprise, but gave in to her touch when Scully pushed him against the motel room door, tilting her head as she slid her tongue over his, and her hands under his shirt. Mulder helped to take it off, and was even more surprised when she grabbed his neck, leading him to the bed and pushing him down.
“Scull…” She stopped him, straddling him and beginning to kiss him before he had the chance to finish protesting.
Leaning down, she whispered seductively in his ear. “You always wanted me to believe.”
The words ached. He no longer knew what he believed, and sometimes, he wished he’d never been sucked into all this himself: never been a believer at all. Part of him wanted to throw her off of him in that moment, just like the yoke of belief, but the power her body had over his in that moment was overwhelming, almost superhuman, and he found himself drawn in, unable to resist the heightened sexual chemistry the two had unlocked.
She giggled, sitting up as he grabbed her hips. Slowly and seductively as she could, she wiggled out of her tee shirt, flinging it to the floor, his eyes still wide. He found himself paused, his mouth agape, his hands running up the sides of her ribs as she leaned down, kissing him deep.
“I believe in you, Mulder.” She said, breaking the kiss. “And I don’t regret a heartbeat of it.”
She swallowed hard, knowing his heart sunk, but continued on with the determination she knew he needed her to have. She leaned down, kissing him more forcefully, as she had at the door. He said nothing more, deciding to burry his feelings again.
“Mulder… Please believe in me too.” She plead. “I would’ve been lost without you.”
“You would’ve been safe without me: home now somewhere with some stable guy, and your mom, and five little uber Scully’s.”
Scully paused, tears in her eyes. She knew that was the truth, but didn’t care, no matter how much she wanted kids and a normal life. She was in love with this man, and wouldn’t take the last decade back for anything. She started kissing his chest, running her lips along his shoulder and up his neck.
“You taught me the art of belief, Fox Mulder. I believe in you. I believe I was made to be with you… And I love you.” She whispered, running her fingers through his hair, tears pouring down his cheeks.
She understood his feelings of failure, his disappointment and doubt, but for all these months it’d remained unspoken. Now, at Thanksgiving, Mulder found himself haunted by what he’d lost, and terrified of losing everything he had left. He didn’t realize that Scully saw the pain he wore in his eyes, and held him while he cried in his sleep. And wished she could wash it all away.
“I love you Mulder. I love you and I couldn’t be more grateful, or happier about anything ever than being with you! I’ll follow you to the end of the earth and for the rest of my days.”
Mulder stayed quiet, feeling his heart thud. Knowing that implicitly.
“So please, for the rest of the road, wherever it takes us: stop saying you aren’t good enough. Or that I should be somewhere else when I only want to be with you.”
“Scully…” He bit his lip, considering.
“I know we ‘ve lost so much. And we’re scared…But you can’t get me to leave Fox. Nothing is better for me than you.” She urged.
“Scully…” He whispered, searching her eyes, weaving his hand through her red hair. ‘Marry me.” His mind insisted.
Instead, he rolled over on top of her again, starting to kiss her as an electrical storm moved in outside.