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“Where are we going?” Princess looked over at Jason, but it was more of a rhetorical question than one she actually expected him to answer. He gave a slight nod, acknowledging that he’d heard the question, but he let their conversation lapse back into silence.
Ever since their English teacher had read Jason’s emotion-filled poem aloud to their class that morning, Princess had expected Jason to snap at her or sneer “I told you so!” After all, she was the one who had convinced Jason to retake Professor Albright’s Senior Composition class despite Jason’s vehement protests that the woman was out to get him.
But Jason hadn’t spoken a word since the parking lot at school, angry or otherwise. When Princess had found him after class, Jason had seemed more vulnerable than furious. She couldn’t bear to leave him alone in that state. When Jason started on this quest to wherever, Princess had simply accepted that she was tagging along for the ride.
Four hours behind the wheel had eased some of the lines of tension from Jason’s face. Whatever was going on inside him, he was working it out. Princess felt her own worry subside. She was used to his silences; they felt familiar.
Early on, she had watched out of the car window as miles of concrete and steel gave way to suburbia, with its neat tree-lined streets and fast food restaurants. Now, she faced mile upon mile of waving grass, pine trees, and rocky outcrops. They were definitely headed toward the mountains, far away from home.
She wondered if they’d return in time for dinner and surprised herself by not caring. Skipping afternoon classes wasn’t something she did very often -- except for work, she amended -- but she was a good student and had several friends who might cover for her, friends she could ask to borrow notes from later. Her brother needed her. He had finally reached out. She wasn’t about to alienate him now.
Jason surprised her by turning off the busy highway and into the Green Mountain Parkway. Her eyes widened with surprise.
“Green Mountain Parkway?” she said with a laugh. “I haven’t been here since we were kids.”
Jason turned to her with a faint grin. His smile was pleasant; the gates to the fortress were open. “I thought you might like a change of pace.”
Princess marveled as they traveled the Parkway. Jason drove more briskly than the speed limit recommended, but he handled the road with the familiarity of one who had traveled it numerous times before. When was he here last? she wondered. Despite the many winding turns up, down, and around the mountains, the ride was smooth and peaceful.
“It’s so pretty here,” she mused. “I’d forgotten…”
Jason laughed out loud. “As I recall, you were carsick most of the trip.” He turned to grin at her. “You might remember the rest stops.”
Princess flushed slightly pink. “When was this road built again?”
“Changing the subject, I see,” Jason commented with a smirk. He began in a tour director’s voice, “Construction began at Pilot’s Peak. On the left, you will see a monument to Earth’s first interstellar flight.” Jason indicated a crude stone marker. There was little else of note.
“Interesting. Let’s get out and take a picture.” Jason eased his foot off of the gas and turned to look at his passenger, surprised, and Princess grinned at him. “Gotcha. If you can act like a tour guide, why can’t I be the typical tourist?”
Jason studied her briefly; the winding road demanded his attention. “Well, for one thing, you dress too nice to be a tourist. We’d need to get you some of those white roll-up socks, a camera to put around your neck, and…” His voice trailed off.
“Jason, what is it?” Princess asked. She noticed his hands hardening around the wheel; she could see his shoulders stiffen.
“Nothing, I just…” He broke off again. This lapse into silence was more brittle. It seemed to stretch longer than the previous four hours.
“Why don’t we stop up there?” Princess pointed to sign for the next roadside landmark.
Jason nodded, briefly, and tended to his driving. Princess placed one hand on his shoulder; he didn’t automatically shrug it off, and that concerned her more than his expression. He pulled into the small parking lot and put his head on the steering wheel. Princess didn’t push him. She didn’t usually get to see Jason up close like this when he was upset -- he usually brushed her aside on his way out to brood -- but he wasn’t hard to read.
“I’m sorry,” he began, heavily. “I don’t know why that image upset me so much.”
Princess waited patiently, twirling the end of her ponytail around her finger.
“Just the thought of us as tourists, as people with normal lives, with freedom, with the ability to take off whenever we feel like it.” He rubbed his wrist communicator as he spoke. “Don’t you ever just feel like throwing it all away?”
Princess thought for a moment, unsure if he was referring to the wristband or his life. She chose the safer ground.
“I do hate being on call all of the time,” she began slowly, “but on the other hand, I think about what we are doing, how important we are to the world…” She paused, then added, “…but it can be overwhelming.”
“That’s what I’m talking about. We have no time to ourselves any more. Our lives are so carefully structured that the Chief knows when we take a crap. Sometimes I just get sick of it. That’s when I come up here.”
Princess looked surprised. “You come up here a lot? I didn’t know that.”
He smiled at her gently. “That’s the point. I come up here to be alone.” Princess turned aside in spite of herself, and Jason touched her arm. “Hey, that’s not what I meant. You know what it’s like. I’ve seen you take off on your bike after a fight with Mark.”
“That’s different. I’m just trying to get away from Mark, not my whole life.”
He shrugged. “I don’t think it’s different at all. When I come up here, sometimes I do pretend I’m a tourist. I’m going to meet my family and…” His voice faded. Princess caught the wistful tone.
“And everything is going to be the way you remember it?” she finished softly. Her eyes were glittery.
He nodded. “My parents are still alive, older and grayer, maybe I have a few younger siblings and some nieces and nephews and everyone’s asking me when I’m going to settle down and have a few kids of my own. And I’m back where I belong.” Jason, caught in his own world, seemed surprised when Princess began to cry.
“Hey,” he leaned toward her. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”
Princess laughed through the tears. “Sorry. I came along on this joyride to cheer you up.” Jason smirked at her.
“Let’s go for a walk,” he suggested. “We’re at Crying Canyon. Legend has it that a soldier leapt into this chasm to a sure death but was blown back to his lover after she pleaded with the gods for his safe return.”
Princess regarded Jason with pain-filled eyes. He knew of her unrequited longing for Mark; she could tell by his expression that he instantly regretted the comment.
“Or we could drive along further and see what we find.” Jason studied her for a moment. “I know just the place.” He started the engine and pulled out, keeping one arm across her shoulder.
Princess relaxed into Jason’s arm, thinking how many of her friends would envy her this position. It was strange to her how much Jason felt like a brother. He was about the same age as Mark, but things with Mark were so complicated. Had they always been that way? She couldn’t remember. The time before she was taken in by the Chief was filled with hazy, violent memories. Unlike Jason, she had never felt she belonged until the Chief brought her home. Life with the Chief and her brothers was as close to a real family as she had ever experienced.
It’s a good life, isn’t it?
Jason couldn’t read the expression on Princess’ face, but he could feel the tension in her shoulders. He drove relatively slowly during the short trip to their next destination, fighting his tendency to exceed the speed limit. He removed his arm from her shoulder only briefly, to smile and wave at the toll collector who opened the gate to the park at Lone Mountain. Then he returned to his hold on Princess, trying to comfort her as best he could.
It’s strange, Jason thought. I started this trip angry at everyone, especially her, but right now the only thing I want is to make Princess feel better.
He drove slowly for the two mile drive to the summit. The curvy road was not banked for speed. Jason finally wound around the final turn and entered the parking lot. Finding a parking space wasn’t difficult; the lot was nearly empty. He stopped the engine, unlocked the car door, and turned to look at Princess.
It was only then that Princess looked up and remarked with surprise, “Where are we?” The top of the mountain was nearly flat; there wasn’t much to see in the parking lot.
Jason grinned. “We’re at the top of Lone Mountain, elevation nearly 6000 feet. Some claim this is the highest peak in the Green Mountains.” He got out of the car and walked around to open the passenger’s side door. “We’re at the mile-high suspension bridge.” His eyes twinkled.
Princess stepped out of the car slowly, looking more fragile than usual. Her eyes were red-rimmed and puffy. Jason locked the car doors, leading her gently by the arm.
“Which way do we go?” she asked, then turned back toward the car. “Can I get my jacket? It’s chilly up here.”
Jason handed her the keys. “It’s the wind. It’s always like this.” He walked toward the visitor’s center, eager to find the rest room. “I’ll meet you inside.”
Princess unlocked the car door, grabbed her jacket, and stood in front of the driver’s side window staring at her tear-stained reflection. She didn’t notice when Jason turned back to look at her.
I wonder what she’s thinking.
What am I doing here? What are we both doing? We should be available for duty. Will our wristbands even work up here? Reception was terrible on the way up. Her mind wandered to the Chief. He’s used to Jason taking off on his own. Ever since he turned eighteen he spends all of his free time at the track. But I still sleep at home every night. What will he think if I don’t come home? Will he worry about me?
She turned to find Jason at her elbow, holding out his hand for the car keys, and she returned them to his expectant palm.
“Come on, I was waiting for you.” Jason shoved the keys into the front pocket of his jeans and led her toward a narrow walkway consisting of angular steps hewn out of a steep rock face.
“I thought we were going to the gift shop,” she said, thinking she should buy a souvenir for Keyop.
“Why?” he asked. “That’s just a bunch of tourist crap. All of the scenery is out here.” His eyes were eager. She watched his enthusiasm with a wariness she couldn’t quite place. His eyes were a bit too bright, slightly manic. She had seen this expression before and it usually didn’t bode well.
Jason scrambled up the steps with the pace of a seasoned rock climber. Princess took longer, picking over the unfamiliar terrain with care. Her heart was heavy and her mood seemed to have affected her balance. She slipped and fell more than once.
Jason waited at the top for her. “There it is!” he exclaimed with delight.
The gusts were so strong Princess had to brace herself against the wind. The bridge stood before them, the afternoon sunlight glinting off the metal suspension cables. The bridge swayed back and forth over a deep chasm. Jagged cliffs lined both sides of the gorge.
“What’s that howling noise?” she asked, holding her ponytail to keep it from whipping into her eyes.
“What?” The wind was so loud it was hard for them to hear.
“That howling noise,” Princess repeated, pointing at the cables. “It sounds like it’s coming from the bridge.”
“It is,” Jason said, loudly. Then, as the wind died down, he repeated himself at a normal pitch. “It’s the bridge. It has something to do with harmonics, the way the bridge vibrates in the wind. You can ask the Chief later; I’m sure he knows the reason. Come on across, you can feel the vibrations when you walk.”
He motioned for Princess to follow him and they stepped onto the criss-crossed metal that comprised the base of the bridge. The wind picked up as they were half-way across the chasm and the bridge began to sway dangerously.
Princess looked down and saw the guide wires vibrating with each gust. The bridge began to howl again. The sound, inhuman yet somehow alive, reminded her of Spectra’s mechanical beasts. The grinding vibrations made the hairs on the back of her neck prickle. Jason surprised her by spreading his arms expansively.
“I love it up here,” Jason yelled into the wind. Enthusiasm lit his face and spread quickly, joy radiating across his entire body. “This is the most awesome feeling, don’t you think?” He stood with the stance of a ninja, legs tensed and ready, bracing himself against each blast of wind. He laughed as the gusts threatened to toss him into the chasm.
Princess looked down and didn’t respond.
After a few minutes, Jason stepped toward her, surprised. “What’s wrong? Don’t you like it?” He had to shout to be heard.
Now it was Princess’ turn to answer, “I’m fine.” She brushed past him quickly, wiping away a tear. She wasn’t even sure that he could hear her against the brutal pounding of the wind. She rushed across the bridge to the other side of the chasm, plunked down on a rock outcrop, and buried her head in her lap.
And they say that I’m the moody one. Jason shook his head. Now what?
To say that he was baffled was an understatement. Jason was the one who always left in a huff. He couldn’t ever remember seeing Princess like this, except maybe during a spat with Mark. Even then she usually kept her composure. Does she wear as many masks as I do?
Jason stopped to reflect on this. Princess was the strong one of the group, at least in terms of her place in the family. She knows that she belongs. Doesn’t she?
He walked easily across the bridge, enjoying the challenge of walking upright on a swaying surface. It was like the bridge of the Phoenix during battle, yet vastly different. Here he was master of his own destiny. Here he could feel his power. He wasn’t number two on this bridge; it was his alone.
But now, he thought, it belongs to Princess as well. He had let her into his private fantasy and, for whatever reason, she had found pain here. Brushing aside his disappointment, he sat down next to her near the edge of the cliff. He tried to remember the things that she said to him when he was upset.
“Do you want to talk about it?” He touched her arm, trying to remember gentle words of consolation, but nothing came to mind.
This is so hard, he thought. I have no idea how to comfort other people when they’re upset. I hate it when people do this to me. What do I need when I’m like this?
He pondered quickly and settled on sitting quietly beside her. The sun was low over the valley floor. Haze enfolded the surrounding mountains. In the waning light, the upthrust cliffs wore their purple and blue robes with dignity.
It’s so beautiful up here, he thought. Jason could see for miles in all directions. No Spectran warship could sneak up on us here.
One time, he had snuck across the gate after dark and hiked to the top of the mountain at midnight. He remembered the beauty of that night, the way the stars looked, the air crisp and cold, how the clarity of his mind seemed to sharpen with each gust of wind. He could have reached up and touched the moon. Sitting next to Princess now, he tried to be strong for her, to let the glory of the evening sunset bathe them both in peace.
She finally turned to look at him. “You really do like it up here.”
He smiled at her in return.
“You seem like a different person. So calm and relaxed.” With that, she dissolved into tears again.
Jason could feel his composure shift; he was starting to feel distinctly uneasy. What’s wrong with her?
After a few minutes, she lifted her hands from her face and said, “I just wish I could remember anything nice about my father.” Pain was etched across her features.
Jason tried not to react, but he was sure that shock registered somewhere; he was terrible at concealing his emotions. She’s never said anything about her father. Why now?
Princess continued, unabated. “I try to remember just the good parts, the way he looked, the way he held my hand, the way he brushed my hair, but they are always superimposed with…” Her voice trembled, but she managed to continue, “…the fights. Fights with my mother, fights with my brother. I keep seeing the blood.” Here she broke down completely and wept openly. “I couldn’t stop him Jason, I tried.” She looked at him earnestly, but her eyes weren’t seeing him in the present, they were locked on the past, fixed on a nightmare. Jason found himself growing more uncomfortable the longer she spoke.
“Your poem…” Princess continued, lost in her own pain, unaware of the emotions she had roused in Jason, “Your poem described exactly how I feel about my father.”
Jason’s earlier embarrassment flooded to mind, the shock and horror he felt at having his innermost thoughts read aloud to their classmates by the teacher of their senior English class. The last two stanzas of his poem came to mind, unbidden:
Visions of childhood lost
Ricochet like bullets through my mind
Blood-stained memories shadow me
Then fade into blackness
I rage in pain
Of my own design
Forever trapped
Inside myself
“You don’t feel that way, you can’t!” Jason stood abruptly, placing distance between them. “No one understands how I feel!” The words came out more harshly than he had intended.
She stood and faced him with defiance. “What are you talking about? Do you really think you’re the first person to feel pain? Do you really think you’re the only one to cry yourself to sleep at night?”
Jason regarded her with indignant surprise.
“What, don’t look at me like that, I know you used to cry at night. I shared a wall with you remember?” She turned away from him and her voice started to tremble. “When you cried, I cried.” Princess swallowed. “When I can’t stop your pain, I can’t stop mine either.” She stared off into the haze.
Jason couldn’t see her eyes but he knew they had clouded over. He could feel her stiffen, harden, shutting him out to protect herself the only way she knew how, the way her family of origin had taught her.
He swallowed his pride and spoke lowly, looking at his feet. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know you felt that way.”
She turned on him fiercely. “You don’t know because you never asked.” Her eyes glazed over as she looked through him, past him, deep in her own pain. “You’re a selfish bastard and I hate you!” She screamed it into the wind. “I hate you! I hate you!” She shook her fist and raged at the sky. “Why? If there’s really a God up there, how could you let this happen to me?” She pointed at Jason. “To him? To my brother? To all of us?” Screaming, her anger was palpable, a living rage. Jason stood transfixed as she continued. “Where are you now? Where are you when I need you the most?”
Her loss of composure was striking. Jason stared at Princess with a kind of fascinated horror, the way he sometimes stopped and gawked at the scene of an accident. But this was no accident. This was his teammate, his sister. What she was reliving was real.
Somehow, maybe through the grace of God, he knew not to stop her. He stood by and allowed her vent her rage, watched with admiration as she articulated her anger with such clarity. It reminded him of something he had read in a Heinlein novel once; he was her fair witness. A silent witness. He stood by as she relived a past she had tried so hard to forget.
She had an angry finger thrust at the sky. “I hate it that you let my mother die. I hate it that he beat me. And I hate it that I couldn’t stop him. I hate you. I will always hate you. How could you let him take my brother? How could you? Do you hate me that much? Oh, God, why?” With that, she collapsed into a heap, her emotions expended.
The temperature seemed to drop abruptly after her outburst. Bands of color in the sunset shifted by degrees: bright yellow, burnt orange, deep rust.
When the heaving of her shoulders stopped, Jason sensed it was safe to touch her. He crept over slowly, as if Princess were a small, frightened child. Then he sat down next to her and rocked her gently in his arms. She murmured as she cried; she put her fingers to her mouth.
It was Jason, the irresponsible one, who called home to say they’d be late. It was Jason who told the Chief that they had gone driving and got to talking and yes, Princess was upset; no, it was nothing like that; yes, they had money and would find a place to stay for the night. He would bring her home in the morning. No, she couldn’t talk right now, but he would let her know that the Chief was thinking of her.
“All right. Good-bye.” After ending the conversation with the Chief, Jason tapped his wrist communicator to close the connection.
Talking to their foster father brought questions to Jason’s mind. “Does the Chief know?” he asked evenly.
“What?” Princess raised her head to look at him. Her cheeks were puffy, her eyes dull and vacant.
“Or Mark? About your brother. I thought he died in a fire along with your mother.” Jason kept a hand on Princess’ shoulder as he spoke.
Princess shook her head and pressed her lips together to keep from crying. “I don’t know where he is. My father took Robbie when he left. I’ve been looking for him ever since.” Princess lowered her head to her knees and sniffed. “Do you have a kleenex?”
Jason surprised himself by having a tissue ready. Princess was wiping her eyes when Jason saw a park ranger drawing near; the older woman was ready to interrupt and tell them that the park was about to close. Jason managed to gesture at her with his free hand, indicating that he understood. Luckily, the ranger was kind. She smiled, nodded, and mouthed the words “thirty minutes” at him before she backed away.
It was nearly dark now. The stars were just beginning to twinkle as the sky turned various shades of rose and violet, the deepest purple reserved for the boundaries where sky blended into mountain. The wind whipped around each of them sharply; both were chilled from sitting so long on the cold rock face. Neither moved for a long time.
Jason finally nudged Princess slightly and urged her to stand. She followed his directions obediently, like a child. Shakily, she stood and brushed the dirt off of her pants.
“How long have we been sitting here?” She busied herself with zipping and unzipping her jacket; she couldn’t meet his eyes.
“Long enough,” Jason answered. His words were carefully measured.
“I’m sorry,” she stammered, and looked at her hands. “I don’t know why I said those things.” She looked to him for forgiveness.
“You don’t need to apologize to me. Or to anyone else for that matter.” He looked at her intensely. “You are allowed to have feelings, you know.”
She averted his gaze. “You called home?” He could hear the tension in her voice.
“I did.” Jason noted the relief that crossed her face and he was glad he had done so. He might not have called on his own behalf.
“The Chief’s all right?” Princess wouldn’t look at him.
“It’s not the Chief I’m worried about.” Jason looked at her with compassion.
“I’ll be all right.” Princess forced a smile in return.
“I always say that and I never mean it either.” Jason laughed at her gently. “Now let’s go and have some dinner.” He reached for her hand and she took it.
Hand in hand, they crossed back over the bridge and hiked down the mountain. Tomorrow they could revert to their usual selves: Princess, strong and responsible; Jason, intense and brooding. But just for tonight, their roles had reversed; their worlds had blended. For tonight, they were not alone.