Work Text:
Bobby stares at the big block of text on his computer screen, completely sure he did not write it, yet there it sits, on his Facebook profile. Once he actually starts reading the thing though, the dots connect quite quickly in his head, since there's only one person who would spend a ridiculous amount of time writing such a long letter for nothing more than a stupid prank.
Fucking Jason.
"Dear friends and family,
For the longest time I've wondered how to best tell all of you about this, or if I even should at all. I couldn’t handle the anxiety of having so many individual face-to-face conversations about the same subject with everyone, and certainly it would be way more awkward, like this, I think I can express myself better, with time and care.
A lot of consideration has gone into this letter, since I really want to help you all understand how complicated living with this secret has become, I can feel my insides twisting from nervousness just from writing about it. The last few months have been the worst, because I cannot get it out of my head and I'm tired of carrying this burden.
I've decided that if I ever want a chance at happiness, I need to live my truth.
Ever since I was very little, I’ve known that I’m different, even when I was unable to point out exactly why. There has always been something in the way of me connecting with people, hence my efforts to fit in have always reaped little rewards, which is why to this day I remain a guy of few friends.
Relating to others is quite hard when you don't know yourself, and downright impossible when you feel like you simply cannot be yourself, lest people judge you or exclude you, as you have seen happen to those similar to you many times before. Being unremarkable or forgettable doesn’t bother me, what I'm often afraid of is becoming a target, being treated badly as soon as others learn the truth...
And the truth is that I'm gay.
Not an easy realization by any means, yet an incredibly freeing one. Honestly, my random fixation with the Fantastic Four movie finally made sense once I noticed that I find Human Torch hot in more ways than the obvious one. There is also a fire that burns inside me, bright and warm, and it's now time to let it show.
Coming to terms with my sexuality has been a difficult journey, to be honest I dearly miss the convenience of the time when I could lie to myself and others about it, repeat in my mind that it was nothing worth agonizing for. I wanted so much to be able to believe I was just unlucky with girls and that it would pass eventually, one day I'd meet the one.
Unfortunately, I don't think such a girl exists. I've looked up and down and finally realized there is nowhere for me to go from here other than out of the closet.
To my parents, I'm sorry I'll never be able to bring a girl home and introduce her to you as my girlfriend. I hope you won't be too disappointed in me for it. Please know that I really tried, and that I love you both a lot. I understand you might need time to come to terms with this, I know I have, but I want you to know the real me, and this is it.
To my friends, maybe some of you have seen this coming, I see now that my defensiveness at any jokes was in a way an effort to distance myself from gayness. By the way, know that I'm absolutely not into any of you like that, so don’t even get your hopes up, so sorry to break your hearts like this, but it had to be done.
Being honest, love has always felt distant, like I was trapped looking at it through a glass panel, able to see it, but never experience it in its totality. To be clear, I’m not just talking about romance (which I'd been yearning for and always end up reaching for the wrong people, the wrong gender), but also the love of all those around me, how could anyone actually love me if they don't know who I am?
How could I ever find the courage to tell anyone?
I’ve lost count of how many nights I spent lying in my bed, unable sleep no matter how hard I tried, devoured by negativity. I'd spend those late hours staring at the ceiling thinking about how fake everything felt, times in which I was no more than a shell of a person, walking around like a zombie, forever on autopilot, arduously trying to live up to unreachable expectations put upon me by others.
There’s no amount of staying quiet that would make it go away, no amount of denying myself freedom, no amount of playing the part of the classic American boy.
I've learned that bottling your feelings is no way to live, and I truly want to live proudly as my true self.
No longer will I force myself to reach for a goal that would never satisfy me.
I hope at least most of those who read this will support and understand me, be welcoming of my self-discovery, comprehend how pretending destroyed me on the inside, leaving me nothing short of miserable.
After everything I've said, I think it’s pretty clear that I don't want this to change how anyone feels about me, I value every single one of you, even if I don’t express it often.
At the end of the day, I'm same person I always have been, the same Bobby you've always known, only now happier and finally confident enough to be authentic.
Please be nice, it's been incredibly hard to lay my heart bare for all of you, I'm not usually good or comfortable being so direct about my emotions, but I'd like to be.
I want to be open, to greet others with an open heart and mind, as I'd like it to be done for me."
For a moment, Bobby questions himself, shocked by how surprisingly heartfelt the text had seem. It takes only a bit for him to snap back to reality though, that admirable creativity of Jason's just slandered him completely, after all. He can't even begin to try to understand where that guy had gotten the inspiration to write such nonsense, some people simply shouldn't have that much free time on their hands.
"Never be able to bring a girl home"? Way to call him a failure of a man. Also what the fuck was that about Human Torch of all characters?? He doesn't even care for the Fantastic Four, that's straight up baseless. The entire thing is absolutely ridiculous and going to cause him a huge headache.
With fast clicks, Bobby deletes the post, maybe not many people read it and he can still keep some of his dignity. Looking at his smartphone reveals no such luck, he's been bombarded with messages already, mostly from relatives showing varying degrees of acceptance for his supposed homosexuality. A long groan leaves Bobby's lips as he slumps in his chair, he'll have to clear this up and it's certainly going to be very annoying.
Opening the Messenger app, he's ready to cuss out his prankster friend, however stops dead in his tracks once he realizes there's a name at the top he's hardly ever seen there before.
Maxine.
"Hey, I read your post, it was so brave to come out to everyone like that"
"I feel like I've always been really mean to you, but I never realized what you were going through"
"Just wanted to say I'm sorry for that, and that I'm here if you need someone to talk to"
Oh my God. She's talking to him, she's being nice to him, she wants to keep talking to him. He needs to answer, but what should he say? He rereads the three texts, recalling that she thinks he's gay. Should he act gay? How do gay people even text? Bobby can't remember texting one.
"Thanks, I'm avoiding texts from my family right now, it's kind of a lot"
"Are they homophobic?"
"Some of them"
"Also, I forgive you for the mean stuff, you couldn't have known"
"I'm glad, maybe we could start over?"
"Do you want to hang out tmrw? Could be a good excuse to get away from your family for a bit"
He can't believe it, she wants to see him.Tomorrow.
"Yeah I'm free tmrw"
He sort of feels actually gay, the way he could be kicking his feet like a girl right now from how giddy he is at the mere prospect of hanging out, it's crazy. They exchange a few more texts, figuring out location and time, Bobby is ecstatic throughout, riding a high that only fades once she stops responding and he's forced again to recognize the mess he's in.
Except it doesn't seem that bad now, if he can keep talking to Maxine then it might be worth it to keep up the ruse. Staring at the chat between him and Jason, he wonders whether he should start with "fuck you" or "dude, you're not gonna believe this".