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‘What is he doing with that cripple?’
‘Such a waste…’
‘I wouldn’t live with someone like him…’
‘Poor boy.’
“I think we should break up…”
This were the last words Hiccup said on the phone before he hit the end button. Well, he would hit the end button probably furiously, maybe he would even tap rapidly the annoying red receiver, just to be sure that the call was definitely gone and just to be sure he would switch off the phone.
He probably would do all of that if he actually had hands. But he didn’t have palms, nor arms. The sleeves, where his limbs should be, were hanging miserably near his body.
So he ended the call by circling his foot around the cable and unplugging it in one quick movement.
“It is done…” He murmured staring with blank look at the white connector laying now on the floor, near the telephone socket.
The silence that encircled him was dense, too dense, was slowly making him suffocate. His lungs pushed the oxygen in and out, but the work was not harmonized, like something was missing, a very important role that directed everything. There was suddenly an empty space and it was suddenly so hard to breath.
Hiccup opened his mouth and closed few times trying really hard to actually take some gasps, to swallow a little bit of air.
Something whined, yelped next to his one leg that somehow - by a miracle - was still connected with the rest of his body. His dog, his faithful companion was sitting there, staring at him with those giant puppy eyes.
“I did it, Toothless… I finally did it…” Hiccup said, trying to smile but it is so fucking hard to smile when all your world just ended.
And his dog put his head on Hiccup’s lap, nudged him with his wet, cold nose and whimpered.
“No, Toothless, it was for the best…” The best for his boyfriend at least… Well, now ex-boyfriend…
Hiccup actually though about breaking up for a very long time. He spend numerous nights staring at the ceiling, thinking that it was time, that the clock’s bell finally rang them the end of their time. This should end earlier, but something inside Hiccup was trying to soothe him, was trying to push him away from this thoughts. Maybe it was his heart, stupid, useless heart… That now was beating loud, fast inside his ribcage. It hurt.
The dog whined loudly and nudged him one more time.
“I should do it long time ago. I was just slowing him down… right…”
Toothless looked at him and whimpered – his eyes shone – and it almost felt like he wanted to say something, like he wanted to disagree with Hiccup, but no words left his mouth. He was just a dog.
His throat was compressed, tied. His eyes wandered around the room, now more empty than ever. His wheelchair stood lonely in the corner. He had to call Astrid, but he just unplugged his phone. Shit…
Just don’t panic, don’t panic…
He can always, somehow get to her with Toothless. They did it countless time before they met… before they became… before he…
No, stop thinking. He ended it not even five minutes ago. He thought about it for so long and decided for the best choice. He was so sure about it! It was for the best. He was just a cripple, right? No future, too much problems. He was a mess, a burden. It was for the best.
Hiccup really tried to take a breath. He will somehow cope alone. He can do it…
“Toothless, push the wheelchair here, please…”
The dog waged his tail, moved behind the machine and pushed it with his head. The wheels screeched, squeaked heavily, pitifully like they wanted to sing some kind of crooked threnody.
For the past few years he did all the work. He always scoped Hiccup in his arms and put him delicately in the uncomfortable seat. He always pushed the wheelchair forward. He always helped him with opening doors and eating and making coffee and washing and putting on clothes and reading and…
No, this was over! Hiccup finished it. It was gone. He can’t always count on him.
Somehow Hiccup pushed his body to stand up on his one leg. He waved from one side to the other and he was almost sure he would crash down. But he didn’t. Thank God.
“It wasn’t so bad, right bud?”
Toothless looked at him with concerned look playing in his bright eyes. He stood patiently near the wheelchair waiting for him to take a seat.
So Hiccup did.
And missed, as his leg bended awkwardly, not used to holding all this weight. The boy scrambled to the ground with a loud thud sound echoing inside those empty four walls. He fell down, face forward, hit his nose, forehead and head painfully as black dots started to dance in front of his eyes. The dark imps swirled, twirled in his mind, laughing at him, smirking – small Hiccup can’t even sit in a wheelchair, small Hiccup can’t even sit in the wheelchair – they sang.
Toothless yelped and Hiccup’s mind registered miserable squeaks of his wheelchair moving, rolling away from him.
He laid on the floor, his face touching the cold surface, his nose scrunched and oh… something dripped from it. Drip, drip, drip… slowly, but surely a thin line of blood moved, sneaking in the slots between panels. It hurt, it hurt as hell. He couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t smell, he couldn’t properly see. The only thing left was the metallic taste on his lips. And it hurt, hurt, hurt so badly.
His eyes also hurt – the kind of prickling pain in the corners of eyes – he knew that kind of pain. And Hiccup tried really hard to not let it overtake him, to not let his emotions loose. He decided it long time ago right? It was for the best… right?
But no, slowly small tears, at first tiny, small drops appeared in the corner of his eyes and fell down, ran down his cheeks leaving salty streams, trails, soon followed by others. It was a sudden waterfall, a mighty beast that couldn’t be contained. So his tears flowed free.
And Hiccup sobbed, sobbed loudly, sniffed into the cold floor.
Tears mixed with the blood.
And he cursed loudly. Like a mantra, words just flew from his mouth, not even one of them nice. He whimpered, yelped, moaned. Damn, damn, damn, damn, DAMN!
Somewhere in the background he heard Toothless moving to the front door, barking heavily and loudly like he tried to call for help, tried to call someone, anybody.
It hurt, everything hurt, everything was in pain. His body was burning, shivering, trembling, prickling, stinging. It didn’t want to stop. It was too much. He wanted to block it, he wanted to stop but couldn’t.
He cried, cried like a child, cried miserably. He was weak, so weak, he couldn’t even do a single thing. It was humiliating. Hiccup felt devastated. The tears wouldn’t stop and even if they did, he couldn’t even brush them away. He couldn’t even clean his face!
Why…
Someone opened the front door, but the sound was muffled by his whimpering and yelps. He didn’t quite hear the steps coming closer and closer, his ears didn’t quite heard the doors wailing miserable while being pushed, his mind didn’t comprehend the soft yelp that suddenly resonated in the air.
But he definitely heard as someone kneeled down – or more like fell down – just next to him and then those cold hands, those kind palms moved under his body and lifted it, cradled it.
“Hiccup what happened?!”
But Hiccup couldn’t answer that, his tears still streaming, rolling down, like they were fighting, trying to be the first one on the floor - the sad winners.
And Jack – Hiccup knew his voice, knew his smell, knew his body – hugged him tightly, encircled him with those welcoming arms, that were so soft, so kind, so perfect and then the only thing that Hiccup could really ask between his sobs were muffled, crooked:
“Why?”
Why was he here? He ended it, he ended what they had not probably even ten minutes ago. Jack should disappear from his life. Should be long gone. Yet he was here, the same Jack, the same tolerating Jack, the same nice, loving, kind Jack that Hiccup knew too well.
And Jack hugged him tighter like he was afraid, or maybe he really was scared that Hiccup would suddenly dissolve into million molecules – atoms - and run away from him, disappear.
Yet the only thing Hiccup wanted to do was to reciprocate the hug, he wanted to put his hands around Jack neck and hug him tightly, tighter than ever. But he fucking couldn’t. It was one simple movement and he couldn’t even do this one thing!
“Hiccup, oh God, Hiccup. What happened? Why did you say that? Hiccup… Please answer me.”
Hiccup really tried. But the only thing that left his lips were sobs. He planned them to be quiet, an almost silent ones, but his body had other planes.
He trembled in the embrace, hiccupping, sniffling, gasping, yelping. And tears just rolled, dripped, streamed down his wet and salty face.
And Jack – the most amazing person he knew – only tightened his grip around his body and brushed his lips on his hair, whispering sweet words, agonizing sweet words. Yet Hiccup felt that he didn’t deserve them, that it was all too much.
“Hey, I’m here, I’m with you. Everything’s going to be alright. I promise, you have nothing to worry about…”
“It will not.”
Hiccup felt as Jack buried his mouth in his hair. He heard and felt him breathing heavily, the hot air warmed his skin there, tiny sparks jumped between his strands like kids playing in the forest. This air, familiar breath sent shivers down his spine.
It was so welcoming…
Toothless whined somewhere near them, but Hiccup couldn’t see a lot due to his watery eyes.
“Why do you say that?”
“Because it will not! Jack, look at me!” Hiccup yelled as he lifted his face to meet wide orbs of Jack. “Look at my body! It’s broken! Crippled! I couldn’t even fucking sit on a wheelchair! How do you expect me to believe everything will be fine?! You do not understand! I can’t do a fucking simple thing, I can’t even brush my tears away! It’s humiliating Jack! It’s humiliating that you - that everyone - has to help me on every step and I have enough of that! But you know what?” Jack only stared at him, eyes getting bigger and bigger with every word Hiccup spoke. “I can’t even kill myself if I wanted! I can’t grab pills and gulp them down! I can’t make a loop out of rope. I can’t even open a window! I’m miserable excuse of…”
And his entire monologue was drowned by Jack hug. Tighter than ever, warmer than anything Hiccup could think of. His arms, real arms, made of real flesh, with real blood flowing around gripped his body closer to his own and Hiccup could feel, hear as his chest rose high up and down, fast, faster! Like they were underwater and Jack tried desperately to take breath, beautiful saving breath.
But couldn’t.
And somewhere in the middle of this storm, this drowning, he heard Jack sniffle and yelp, then Jack’s tears, salty drops fell on Hiccup’s cheek, mixing with his dried ones. He was crying.
“Hiccup, please don’t even say that, don’t even think about that… Please, please, please… I can’t imagine losing you, I can’t imagine you being away…” His voice was raspy, hoarse and disturbed by his moaning. “When you called me, I swear my he-heart stopped beating for a second and I… I was so scared I did something wrong, that it was my fault…”
“It wasn’t your fault. It’s just I… It’s just me… I…” Hiccup buried his face in Jack’s blouse. “I don’t want to hold you back.”
“You’re not holding me back.”
Hiccup wanted to frown, wanted to show with his facial features that he didn’t believe that, but he was too tired to lift his head.
“I am. I’m unable to do practically anything. I need support in everything I do, on every step. You must be tired of this. Heck, I’m tired of this…” Another deep breath, another dose of Jack’s smell. “I’m tired of people looking at me like a weirdo. I’m exhausted of knowing they look at you with pity. I’m tired of feeling ashamed of mys…”
And Hiccup face was lifted by Jack’s hands. It always amazed him how they were almost always so cold to anyone else, but Hiccup.
He looked at him, his teary, blue, magical, loving, amazing, sweet, caring, enchanting eyes looked just at him, right into him, through his barrier.
“No, don’t speak like that. Hiccup you shouldn’t be ashamed of who you are. Okay, you definitely miss some things, but you’re still funny, smart, lovely, amazing Hiccup I love and care about. Everyone need help, you definitely need more help than some people, but because you need it, it shouldn’t be humiliating to you…”
Hiccup tried to look away, but Jack’s hands were caging him there.
“Hiccup I love you, I want to be by your side, I want to be your hands when you can’t brush your tears away, I want to be your foot when you jump from joy, I want to be the part of your heart that is shared with the world. I want you, without your hands, because this is who I love.” Jack leaned and kissed his forehead lightly.
And it maybe wasn’t enough to brush all this guilt away from his heart. It wasn’t so simple that few spoken words could take it away from his mind. Life wasn’t so simple like that.
So Jack words couldn’t fight it all away, they couldn’t crush the embarrassment, they couldn’t destroy the sadness, and they couldn’t shatter the hopelessness, because all those feelings were still inside his ribcage. And Hiccup knew they would never disappear.
You can’t make something disappear like that. It is always somewhere deep inside of you.
But Jack words - that couldn’t fight it all - tried their best and pushed it away, locked it somewhere deep under layers of his thoughts. Somewhere far away, somewhere dark. They gave him hope, the tiny spark of fulfillment that - even if it was a tiny, the tiniest spark - ran through his body, warming it, even if only a little.
And sometimes it was enough.
“Thank you.”
Jack smiled at him.
“Don’t scare me anymore like that.” He said, chuckling a little.
“I’ll try.”
For Hiccup it was enough.
THE END