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Cheng Xiaoshi takes hold of Lu Guang’s hand., using the other to point up at the sky. “Look up,” he whispers.
Lu Guang obeys, craning his neck to squint upwards. He narrows his eyes, staring into the dark blue space.
“I don’t see anything,” Lu Guang says, confused.
“The moon,” Xiaoshi prompts, “notice anything different about it today?”
Redirecting his gaze, Lu Guang frowns. It looks like a normal full moon to him. “Um, it’s very round?” he suggests.
Laughing, Cheng Xiaoshi drapes an arm over his shoulders. “Try again.”
“It’s.. um..” he trails off. “I don’t know.”
Cheng Xiaoshi’s smiling as he stares into the sky. “Lu Guang, the moon, it’s beautiful isn’t it?”
He is sure he’s heard that wrong. From what he remembered, that was meant to be a poetic way of saying one’s love for another. Why is Xiaoshi saying it now? “It-it sure is,” he responds quietly. Did he know what that meant? Is he saying that on purpose-?
Cheng Xiaoshi tilts his head to throw him a glance, and says as if it is the most casual thing ever, “I think you’re beautiful too.”
Lu Guang stares onwards, fixating on one spot in the space, trying to ignore how fast his heart is beating against his chest. Unable to settle on a response, he responds with a clumsy, “Thank you.”
A silence takes over as they are both unsure what to say, And then, “I watched the show you told me to watch yesterday.”
Lu Guang raises his eyebrows in surprise. “You did?”
“Yeah, and.. that’s how they confessed right? Using the “moon is beautiful” line to say they loved each other.”
Ah, of course. He was just quoting from a movie that’s all. No feelings included. Lu Guang lets out a shaky breath. “Yeah, that’s right. Did you fini-”
He’s cut off when Xiaoshi grabs onto his shoulders, turning him so that they face each other. Lu Guang freezes, caught in the brown eyes staring into his own. “So I’ll say it again. Lu Guang, the moon’s beautiful today, isn’t it?”
He’s stuck for a moment, but before his brain can process what is happening, his mouth’s already responding for him. “Not as beautiful as you.”
A look of surprise flashes through both their faces and Xiaoshi’s heart almost skips a beat. For a second, he’s scared he’s misheard what he said, and he swallows. “I-I love you Lu Guang,” he mutters, just to clarify.
Cheng Xiaoshi’s hovering near Lu Guang’s face, his hot breath skimming across his skin, their noses only millimetres apart. He doesn’t move, just stays there, waiting for any signs of movement, a response, and he’s half- expecting him to back away.
“I know. And I love you too.”
It’s sudden, unexpected when Lu Guang closes the distance between them, arms wrapping over his shoulders as he pulls Xiaoshi towards him. Their lips crash, and it's like they’ve done this so many times before. It's comforting, the way Xiaoshi’s hand is gripping his shoulder, the other reaching up to cup his cheek, comforting in how close they are, how he can feel Xiaoshi’s steady breathing,
Like a flame that’s just been set alight, it’s new yet familiar, passionate and exhilarating. It’s hopeful, tentative yet confident, as if they were both walking along a freshly laid path.
When they part, it feels unreal, as if someone else is possessing his body instead of himself. The only thing keeping Lu Guang conscious is the warm smile Cheng Xiaoshi gives him, and he wishes he could replay the moment over and over.
———
Lu Guang squeezes Cheng Xiaoshi’s hand hard, as if that would do anything to stop the blood spilling from his stomach. Clasps his fingers tight, as if that could do anything to remove the bullet already buried inside him.
Cheng Xiaoshi blinks, once, twice, before redirecting his gaze to look at him. He’s slumped against the wall, weak, frail, so unlike the Xiaoshi he knew, so unlike the one he’s used to. Why? Why did this have to happen to him, of all people?
“Lu Guang,” he croaks, clutching at his arm. “The moon’s beautiful tonight, isn’t it?”
Lu Guang laughs bitterly, a tear rolling down his cheek. “You can’t even see the moon from here.”
Smiling, Cheng Xiaoshi tilts his head to the side, gently using a thumb to wipe the tear away, before tugging Lu Guang’s sleeve to pull him closer towards him. “I am sure it’s beautiful anyways, right?” he whispers. His unsteady breathing feels warm against Lu Guang’s skin.
Lu Guang lets out a breath, flickering his eyes so that they met Xiaoshi’s. His own reflection taunts him, a desperate, wretched Lu Guang. Cheng Xiaoshi’s eyes shone, tears in the corners, threatening to spill. It’s his own fault. It’s all his fault he’s like this.
Suppressing the pathetic sobs building up in his throat, Lu Guang presses their foreheads together, blinking away the tears prickling him beneath his eyelids and forcing his lips into a smile. “I am sure that no matter how beautiful it may be, you’ll always be more.”
Cheng Xiaoshi lets out a weak laugh. “What makes you think that?”
“Who else in the world could be more beautiful than you?”
“Ah, well that would be you, Guang Guang, of course,” he responds playfully.
Lu Guang, is silent, heat flushing his face as he stares at the other. He’s scared, scared to move, scared to leave him, scared that if he even shifts one millimetre, Xiaoshi would disappear from his grasp. But he has to. He should. “I-I’ll go to see if he’s left,” he says, making to get up.
But before he is even halfway standing, Cheng Xiaoshi swiftly grabs his wrist, pulling him back. “Don’t. You’ll get hurt.”
“If I don’t get help soon, you’ll bleed to death,” An edge of anger almost takes over his tone.
“Don’t,” Cheng Xiaoshi repeats, firmer this time. “Stay with me.”
“But I don’t want you to die.”
Cheng Xiaoshi doesn’t respond.
“If you can hang on a little longer, I can go call an ambulance or something-” Lu Guang tries to continue.
“No,” Cheng Xiaoshi gives him a small shake of the head.
“What?” Lu Guang asks, confused.
“Lu Guang,” he says, a pleading look in his eyes. “Stay.”
They both know there’s not much they can do. They can both tell he’s already lost too much blood, both know he can’t last until someone arrives. And so, there’s nothing Lu Guang can do but obey. He swallows, kneeling back down beside him, the cold floor rigid against his skin. Lightly places a hand on his shoulder, gripping him gently, to show he’s there.
There’s a blank stare on Lu Guang’s face, focusing on nothing but the vivid red coating Xiaoshi’s clothing. Cheng Xiaoshi tugs his hand, pulling them closer. It’s a firm action, almost forceful paired with how limp Lu Guang feels.
Because nothing feels real.
The blood he’s been staring at seems to blur, and there seems to be someone close to him, except the world is spinning too much for him to take notice or realise what’s happening. He’s only pried away from his trance when there’s a clear feeling of something soft against his lips, and when his vision manages to refocus, he’s met by a pair of glistening brown eyes. The hand holding his has a strong grip, so strong he’s almost scared both their fingers will break at the force.
A faint, metallic taste fills his mouth, and it takes him a while to realise it’s blood. The kiss is short, fleeting, and Lu Guang almost feels guilty for wanting more, to hold onto the feeling of Cheng Xiaoshi for just a moment further.
The vague taste is still lingering on his lips as they part, and he’s staring at the other, wanting to say something yet not being able to. Weakly, Cheng Xiaoshi manages a feeble attempt to smile. “S-save them, ok?” he mutters, before his eyes flutter shut.
It isn’t real, it isn’t real.
Nothing feels real as he frantically places a hand over Cheng Xiaoshi’s still heart, nothing feels real as he shakes him desperately, pathetically, an incomprehensible string of words spilling out of his mouth as Xiaoshi’s hand loses its grip.
Except it is real. Nothing can feel more vivid than this, nothing can feel more prominent than the photo he’s clutching at in his hand. He’s not thinking properly, yet he is, and a stupid, selfish idea blooms in his mind. It doesn’t feel like it's him doing the actions when he closes his eyes, and presses his palms together.