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The Enterprise hasn't been near a suitable planet - nor starbase - for shore leave in nearly six ship months, and it's starting to show.
Based on department logs, there's been a steady decline in efficiency and morale over the last few weeks, and there have been increased numbers in complaints, arguments, and - in one instance - a brawl in the crew's mess, which resulted in Jim having to restrict five junior-lieutenants, nine ensigns, and one member of the senior command team (Scotty) to their quarters for three days.
So when Starfleet requests they make a supply drop to Risa, Jim feels it's only fair to issue some shore leave. A whole week of it.
It takes a while to sort the rotas out, compiling each crewman's requested dates and shuffling skeleton crew staffing so everyone gets at two and a half consecutive days. It's easier for some departments - botany and anthropology, for example, are not mandatory to keep the Enterprise in orbit - but eventually Jim and Spock get it arranged. Jim's even given himself a day; Spock, typically, has not.
"Really, you could take the whole week, let alone a few days." Jim urges over their evening chess game. "Even Vulcans need to spend some time away from work."
"As I remind you every time we have this discussion, I achieve adequate 'time away' from work with my meditation and sleep. And I could not take the whole week, Captain, as regulations state that one commanding officer must remain aboard when a skeleton crew is in place, which would mean there is a day where neither of us are on the Enterprise." Spock moves his rook up a level, two spaces right.
"If you wanted a week, I'd gladly give up my day for you." Jim surveys the board, and glances at Spock. "I don't want my favourite First Officer working himself into an early grave."
"You only have one First Officer, it is illogical to state you have a 'favourite'. And I would not ask you to give up shore leave, particularly as I will not be taking any."
"But you are my favourite First Officer." Jim flashes a grin, and it makes Spock's eyebrows twitch in a way Jim has learnt to read as fond. He moves his knight to the bottom level of the board. "Am I your favourite Captain?"
Spock raises a brow. "As a Vulcan, I do not have favourites."
"But if you did have favourite?" Jim smiles wider as he watches Spock's lips purse for a moment.
"As per Starfleet regulation, favouritism among crew is not permitted."
"Right, but everyone has favourites anyway. Bones is my favourite in sickbay."
"You and Dr McCoy have a friendship that was formed prior to commission on the Enterprise. It is logical that you would prefer his company."
Jim kicks Spock under the table lightly. "You're my favourite on the Bridge."
Spock blinks at him. Averts his gaze for a moment. Blinks once more. And then both eyebrows raise as he meets Jim's eyes again.
"That is not permitted."
"I can't help it." Jim rolls his eyes. "We spend the most time together, isn't it logical that my human emotions would latch onto that?"
"Perhaps." Spock finally makes a move, rook moving again to the top level. "I find that I too have been influenced by the frequency of our conversation, as I am disinclined to report your admitted favouritism to Starfleet Command."
"Because I'm your favourite?"
"I would not say such things." Spock replies, voice smooth.
Jim can't help but beam. "You didn't deny that I am."
"Correct. I did not deny your accusation." Spock looks at the chessboard. "I will defeat you in eight moves."
"I'll defeat you in seven." Jim says as he takes one of Spock's bishops with his queen.
He doesn't press Spock over the issue of shore leave any further; he doesn't want to sabotage his position as Spock's Number One Favourite On The Entire Enterprise. That title means almost as much to him as Captain.
"And you know, I hate that shirt."
"It's a good shirt, you have no taste."
"You look like one of those lumberjacks from the 20th century." Bones grunts, and Jim decides it will be better if he undoes the top two buttons, a hint of his chest on display. A big hint, but a hint nonetheless. Bones grunts again.
He hasn't dressed any better - an ugly orange patterned shirt and the worst shorts Jim has ever seen.
"Lumberjacks were cool." Jim bounces on his heels, and puts his hands in his jean pockets. "Ladies love lumberjacks."
"Source?"
Jim nods his head in the direction of a female Caitian smiling at him. They're still just leaning against a wall of where they'd beamed down to, while Bones tries to get his map to work, even though he promised that he'd already memorised the route to whatever bar he'd chosen. He smiles back at her, watching her continue walking.
"That's nothing to do with lumberjacks, and you know it." The map hologram finally displays, and Jim is somewhat exasperated to see that the bar is only a short walk away. If they'd just wandered, they'd be there by now.
"Ladies love starship captains?"
"Ladies love Jim Kirk." Bones huffs. "And you're going to transfer some of that magic sex appeal onto me, thank you. Not all of us get laid on landing parties, you know."
"I don't get laid on landing parties." Jim huffs right back, and - with another glance at the map - starts leading the way. "I do my job."
"Did your job involve screwing that prince on Zanox V six weeks ago?"
"That was diplomacy." Jim waves Bones off. "And it was just a bit of kissing. Me and Spock had to rush off to stop that bomb-"
"Spock was there? While you were kissing?" There's something a little bit behind the incredulousness, something Jim can't decipher.
"It's not as weird as it sounds. It was at the feast, so all of the landing party were there." Jim glances at the furrow of Bones' brow. It's weird, that occasion it's harder to read him than it is Spock.
"You don't think that's a little... I dunno, disrespectful?"
Jim stops mid-stride, lips parted. Someone glares at him as they brush past, which is fair, he's stopped in the middle of the street.
"What?"
"Nothing." Bones shrugs, but it doesn't sound like nothing. "Just - Didn't really think that was the sort of thing you did in front of the crew."
"Well, not usually. But we were dancing - because of diplomacy - then he eyed me up, and - It's not a big deal. I didn't think anyone was watching." The lie falls easily from Jim's tongue, easier than it should have.
Telling Bones that he thinks Spock was watching from across the room, that he could feel Vulcan eyes on him, it will just make him act even more dramatic, blow this out of proportion. It's not like it mattered. Jim would have kissed the prince even if he didn't think Spock was watching.
The prince was handsome enough, for sure.
Jim just hadn't acted on it, until then, until he thought Spock might be watching. Because there's something about meeting his eyes afterwards, and seeing the purse of his lips, it's... funny, maybe, that Spock gets so judgey about it, when he looks like he's about to accuse Jim of being illogical. Is that why he does it? Because it makes Spock look at him with one of the few expressions Jim hasn't defined yet, and the more he gets to see it, the closer he is to solving the mystery. Maybe that's why.
He absolutely can't tell Bones any of that though, because he doesn't need to give that man any more excuses to demand a psych evaluation.
"Mm. Okay." Bones tugs at his arm. "Keep moving, idiot, you're blocking the sidewalk."
Jim falls back into step, and decides to stop thinking about it.
He needs to get in the flirty mindset.
Three drinks in, and Jim is feeling pleasantly buzzed, nursing drink four (brandy) as he makes eyes at a pretty male Zelonite. Bones keeps disappearing to flirt with someone, then coming back to their table when he gets rejected, with a drink for each of them in hand. There are two shots and a glass of some mysterious liquor in front of Jim, waiting for him to catch up to Bones.
"You're not allowed to hook-up with anyone until I'm sorted out." Bones grumbles, and Jim looks away from the Zelonite, pouting.
"That's not fair."
"You said you'd wingman me. You're not winging at all." He says miserably. "Spock would do a better job."
"Spock should have beamed down." Jim agrees. He necks the rest of his brandy, and follows it with a shot, just so Bones won't steal them from him. "He never takes enough holiday."
"You could order him to."
"But then he'd be mad at me."
"Vulcans don't get mad, Jim. No emotions, as Spock loves to remind us." Bones glances over Jim's shoulder, gaze lingering for a second, before tutting.
"What?"
"The Risian woman I was about to go talk to is looking at you. Not me. Can you just get old and ugly already?"
"I'll be a hot old man." Jim snorts. "But I think you're exaggerating. I'm not a walking sex god."
"Tell that to every single person in this bar, please." Bones raises his voice. "This guy's bad at sex, by the way! Really awful! Just the worst at it! Check me out instead!"
"Ignore him, his dick fell off when he was fourteen, he's very bitter about it." Jim calls out in reply.
Bones glares. "Some wingman you are."
Jim smiles back at him.
"We'll have to find a different bar now. Damnit Jim, the drinks are a decent price here."
"Let me finish these, and then we'll go." Jim gestures to the glasses in front of him. He takes his other shot, and his brain rewinds to a few seconds ago. "I think Spock secretly has emotions."
"Obviously."
"He said I'm his favourite." Repeating it aloud makes something in his chest flutter. Jim is Spock's favourite. Spock likes him.
"And you said that I'm your favourite, I hope."
Jim waves Bones off. "I said you're one of them."
"Surprised he didn't tell you that favouritism isn't allowed, per regulations."
"He did." Jim traces the rim of his glass with his fingertip and smiles. "He wouldn't be Spock if he didn't. Plus that kind of means he likes me more than regulations, if I'm his favourite."
"Right." Bones hesitates. "Jim. You-"
"It's okay, though, don't be jealous, you're probably second favourite." Jim sips the mystery liquor. It tastes bad, so he offers it to Bones. "You finish this. Let's go."
Bones takes the drink, and soon they're both moving to the exit.
Jim loses track of how many drinks he's had by the time they've moved for the third or forth time. He's kissed a few people, and Bones has kissed one, but neither of them have had anything go further.
Jim almost invited an Arcadian lady back to his quarters, but remembered that he hasn't completed his wingman duties to Bones, so he'd dipped out. Maybe if she'd had darker hair, and been a bit taller, then he wouldn't have been so dedicated to his friend.
"Bones." Jim says, sounding far too loud in his own head. "Bones."
"Jim."
"I miss Spock."
Bones buries his face in his hands. "That's the seventh time you've said that since I started counting."
Jim pats Bones on the back. "Not that I'm not having fun! I just - 'M thinking about how lonely he must be on the ship, because I left him, an' we could be playin' chess right now, yknow?"
"You do that everyday." Bones grunts.
"I like it."
"So you keep telling me."
Jim sighs, and leans into his best friend. "He's the best. Why isn't he here?"
"Ask him." Bones takes the beer out of Jim's hand. "You've had too many."
"Nuh uh." Jim swipes to grab the bottle back, and misses spectacularly, spilling it on their table.
"Yuh huh." Bones closes his eyes. "I'm never asking you to be my wingman ever again."
"I talked you up to that Andorian!"
Bones just huffs at him in reply.
Jim looks around the bar, in hopes of saving his wingman reputation, and almost perks up when he thinks he sees Spock in the crowd, come to join them. But it's not, it's just a dark-haired humanoid, and they're too short to be Spock anyway.
He has a confession to make to Bones. Good wingmen don't lie to each other.
"Bones."
"What now?"
"I lied earlier." Jim leans even harder on his shoulder, bonking their heads together. "About no one watchin' me kiss that prince."
"Well yeah, you were in a room full of people."
"No I mean - I think Spock was watching." Jim hums. "I wanted Spock to be watching."
"Oh my god." Bones groans. Loudly. "I still don't think I'm drunk enough for this."
"Not in like a voyeur-y way." Jim hurries to add, just so Bones doesn't get the wrong idea. "But I wouldn't mind if it was, I guess. I mean - I don't know. He gets this expression, an' I don't know what it means, and I think I find it funny."
"You think you find it funny." Bones echoes.
"Yeah, 'cos, like... I know all his expressions. Most of 'em. There's this other one he does, where he just kinda looks at me, with these eyes. Different to his normal eyes."
"I've seen it." Bones grumbles, and Jim straightens.
"You have? Do you know it? That's not fair, you can't know somethin' about Spock that I don't know."
"I know it."
Jim gapes. "What? Why? Did he tell you?"
The thought of Spock - who likes Jim best - telling Bones something and not Jim makes his stomach turn.
"No." Bones mumbles something afterwards that sounds awfully along the lines of 'I'm not gonna have sex tonight, am I?'
Jim doesn't pay attention to the mumble. "Good. Good. Because he tells me everything, he shouldn't tell you things he doesn' tell me."
"Yup." Bones pinches his brow, and Jim pats his back in comfort.
"Don't be sad. It's just special with me an' him." Jim swings his legs. "... Do you think Spock has kissed anyone?"
"That farm girl."
Jim scrunches his brow. "That was the pollen, didn't count."
"I don't know, Jim. Did he kiss T'Pring?" Bones turns to him. "Does it matter? What would you even do if Spock kissed someone?"
Jim frowns. "What? Nothing. I don't know. Watch, maybe."
He thinks about it. Spock holding some faceless person, leaning over them, pressing their lips together. Or fingers, that Vulcan kiss. Because Spock will probably end up with a Vulcan, not a human. Jim would know if Spock liked humans.
Either way, it's not a great feeling. Jim scowls, thinking about Spock kissing someone. Someone saying sweet words to him. Spock saying sweet words back, which really isn't fair, because Spock doesn't say sweet words to Jim, let alone some random stranger.
"Do you think Spock would kiss anyone?"
Bones looks at him. "I don't know. I don't think Vulcans kiss like we do."
"They do this." Jim demonstrates pressing his fingertips to each other. "We saw his parents do it."
"Huh." Bones hums. Then smirks. "Spock does that with me all the time."
Jim goes rigid.
"What?"
"Yup. When we hang out, he just offers me his fingers and we touch 'em, just like that."
Jim's mouth feels very dry. He looks at Bones' hands, then at his eyes. "No. No? He wouldn't - I'm his favourite, not you. He wouldn't - If he was gonna kiss you, he'd kiss me too, that's not fair."
"Hm."
"Don't 'hm'! That's - You can't do that. That's an order, you're not allowed to do that anymore. Don't do that."
"Pretty sure it's within regs, we're at the same command level." Bones shrugs. "You can't just ban me and Spock from touching fingers just because you don't like it."
"Yes I can." Jim jabs Bones in the chest, and he's feeling very dizzy all of a sudden. "I'm Captain. I say no more. No more kissing him! Why would he even - Bones, you're not allowed."
"And why don't you like it Jim?"
"You don't love him, he shouldn't be kissing you."
Bones nods, and it pisses Jim off. Bones is here, getting drunk to fuck some random person, while Spock has been secretly pining for him, kissing him, wanting him. It is not fair at all. Spock is wasting his goddamn energy on Bones, Jim would be a much better candidate for kissing, he would take care of Spock's heart, treasure him so much, and -
"Maybe I want to kiss him. Does it matter?" Bones shrugs again. "Just a bit of fun."
Jim punches him in the face before he has the chance to think about it.
"What the fuck?"
They're kicked out of the bar.
The night air has Jim cooling off a little, but he can't help but glare and feel a bit satisfied with himself as Bones dabs at his lightly bleeding nose.
"Damnit Jim." Bones grumbles. "That hurt."
"Good." Jim considers shoving him over, but that might be a bit far. Although, maybe it won't be too far in a moment. "... Have you had sex?"
"No, dumbass." Bones scrunches his nose. "And we haven't kissed either, I was joking."
Jim blinks at him. And relaxes. "You promise?"
"Yes, I promise, it was joke." Bones rolls his eyes. "You're the only person on the Enterprise that wants to kiss Spock."
Jim laughs and opens his mouth to agree. He chokes mid-way through.
"What?"
"For fuck's sake man, would you have hit me if it was anyone else? Sulu? Scotty? Uhura?"
"No, you can kiss them, that's whatever. But - That has nothing to do with-" Jim pauses, and imagines brushing his fingertips ever so gently to Spock's, what it would be like to be allowed to tenderly touch him.
"Right, yeah, and you kiss people in front of him for no reason too." Bones folds his arms. "Jim, we're meant to be wingmanning each other."
"It's not for no reason." Jim says quickly. "I told you, I wanna figure out that face he does."
"What do you want it to mean?" Bones asks, and he's started to walk away.
It's a strange question. One that Jim hasn't really considered until right this very moment.
What does he want?
Jim falls over as he goes to follow. Bones lifts him up, and Jim scrabbles to stay steady.
"You're in a state." Bones looks him up and down. "You're not sleeping with anyone like this."
"No, no, we're wingman-inging, I can do it." Jim stumbles. "I can - Bones, what do you mean, I'm the only person who wants to kiss Spock?"
"I said on the Enterprise, not in general." Bones pauses. "You do know other people think he's attractive?"
"Everyone thinks he's attractive." Jim rolls his eyes, and he shouldn't have, because now that he's outside he's starting to realise he feels a bit dizzy.
"No, everyone does not." Bones huffs, and pulls out his communicator. "Hey. McCoy to Enterprise. The Captain's partied a little too hard, someone beam him up."
"What? No. Bones." Jim whines. "I haven't winged or manned."
"Sooner rather than later." Bones adds, and closes his comm. "Jim."
"Bones, call them back, we have the whole night left-"
"Jim." Bones says again, and he sounds infuriatingly sober to Jim's ears. "You need to have a serious think about what you're doing. Spock's loyal, and patient, but if you don't figure it out soon, you're going to lose him once the mission's over."
Jim gapes at him. Spock wouldn't leave him. Jim needs him, Spock wouldn't leave. After the mission is over, they'll go on another five year - no, ten! - space expedition, and play a thousand games of chess, and Jim will figure out those final elusive expressions, and Spock won't finger-kiss Bones, and-
"Don't forget, he's only got another six years before he has to get himself a bondmate. And yknow, if he's more human than he likes to think, he'll want a connection in before that. So really, that's only about five years. Say the Enterprise needs to be refit before she's sent out again, that would only be about two or three-ish years on the next mission, about half of it, and at that point it's more logical not to sign up."
The words are like a bucket of ice thrown on him.
"No." Jim shakes his head, even though he can't find anything wrong with Bones' prediction. Nothing wrong, except Spock would be leaving him. "No, no, that's not- We'd figure something else out. I'll be his bondmate."
"I think Spock deserves a bondmate who's in love with him, no?"
"I am in love with him." Jim snaps, and then thinks his heart might have fallen out of his chest.
Bones stares. And opens his communicator again.
"McCoy to transporter room. Captain's ready to beam up."
"Wh - No, hold on-" Jim starts.
"Yes, Doctor." Spock's voice crackles through the other end, and Jim wants to kick himself.
"Was that on? Bones, tell me-"
"- he didn't hear that, right?" Jim materialises in the transporter room, and wobbles as he does.
"Didn't hear what, Captain?" Spock asks, and he's so near, hands on Jim's arms to keep him steady.
Jim stares at him.
Spock's wearing his 'slightly concerned about illogical drunken behaviour' expression, one that's usually aimed at Scotty or Bones or anyone that's not Jim, and the thought that Spock could think he's illogical makes him queasy.
He keeps staring. Really, he could stare at Spock forever, he has a really good face, and holy shit, Jim's in love with him.
Did he know that? Jim would know if he's in love with someone, right? He'd know whether he wants to wake up every day next to the same man and kiss him good morning, if he wants to brew a cup of Vulcan tea alongside his coffee every morning, if he wants to hold on and never let go to the one person he's ever felt entirely seen by, the person who makes him feel safe even in the middle of a fight.
He'd know, if he was in love. He'd know that the reason he kisses princes is because he hopes that the man he's in love with pulls him away protectively, pushes him up against a wall and reminds him that they're meant for each other, Jim isn't meant to be kissing random people, he's meant to be kissing him.
If he was in love, he'd do anything and everything to keep the man of his dreams by his side. Like become bondmates, just to make sure they stay together on the ship, make sure he won't ever leave.
Oh fuck. Jim's in love.
"Captain?" Spock prompts.
Jim stares some more, into those lovely brown eyes. Those lovely brown eyes gaze back at him, slightly creased in concern.
"Spock." Jim says eventually, as the puzzle pieces all slot together. "It's you."
"Yes, it is me, Captain. I assessed that you would prefer the more junior crew members not to see you in your drunken state. Was this correct?"
Jim lets himself flop forward into Spock's chest, looping his arms around him. "I always prefer you."
Spock just stands there for a moment.
"It appears you are heavily intoxicated."
"Spock." Jim flutters his eyelashes at him. "Hold me."
Spock hesitates. Then hooks his arm under Jim's knees, and lifts him like a princess.
Jim's heart swoops wildly. That's not quite what he meant, he'd just been after a hug, but now that he's here, he's not complaining.
"I will carry you to your quarters." Spock says quietly.
Jim rests his head on Spock's shoulder, looking at him.
He's feeling a bit giddy, and it might not even be the alcohol. His heart is going to beat right out of his chest.
Wow. He's in love. Jim Kirk is a man in love. With Spock. Spock!
As he languishes in Spock's arms (still ogling him), a terrible thought strikes him. Jim's in love - but is Spock?
If Spock doesn't love him back, Jim will die.
He finds himself deposited on his feet in front of a door.
"Spock." Jim says, because it's his favourite name and he doesn't say it enough. "Spock."
"We are at your quarters, Captain."
"Jim." He corrects.
"... We are at your quarters, Jim." Spock repeats, a little more gently. "I shall procure you some water, and then bid you goodnight."
"No." Jim tugs at Spock's arm. They haven't seen each other in hours, because Jim was out drinking, and why was he doing that? He likes Spock much more than drinking. He likes Spock more than kissing too, because he did some of that, but maybe it would be nice to kiss Spock instead, and - With horror, he recalls punching McCoy. With greater horror, he recalls why. "Please stop kissing Bones."
Spock blinks at him. "I am afraid I don't know what you're talking about, Captain."
"Jim." He corrects again. "It's Jim. You have to call me Jim. Can you come in? Please?"
"If that is what you wish. Jim."
Jim smiles in what he hopes is an extraordinarily dashing way, and punches his code into the door without looking. It beeps at him, and the door doesn't open.
"You have input your entry code incorrectly."
"No I didn't." Jim smacks his hand at the keypad. It beeps again.
"Perhaps I should try my override?" Spock asks, and Jim nods, stepping aside.
Spock is so smart. And clever. And Jim can't stop looking at him, ugh, he's so handsome, Jim should kiss him right now.
The door slides open, and Spock gently takes his arm and leads him in and guides him to sit, before moving to the replicator.
Jim watches. He's so graceful. And elegant. And Jim wants him all to himself. Jim and Spock forever. He should graffiti it in a heart on a table in the mess, just so everyone knows. Then no one will kiss Spock, especially not Bones.
"You can't kiss Bones." Jim says, just as a reminder. "You're not allowed."
Spock turns back to him, brow raised. He sets two cups on the table in front of Jim, and the smell of pleasantly-spiced tea wafts past his nose. He sits beside Jim, but it feels too far away, so Jim shuffles closer, their knees touching.
"This is not an issue, as I have never kissed Doctor McCoy, nor do I anticipate it to happen in the future."
"Good. That's good." Jim reaches out to take Spock's hand, but Spock moves it away. His heart pangs. "What about anyone else? Have you kissed anyone else on the ship?"
"Yes."
Jim blinks. And frowns.
"Who?"
"I have previously kissed Lieutenant Uhura, and-"
"What?" Jim stiffens. "Why? Why would you do that?"
"We were briefly courting, before you were in command."
"What? No."
"Yes, Jim." Spock pauses. "I was unaware that would be an issue. Our relations ended before Pike's promotion to Admiral."
"You can't do that." Jim scowls.
"I was not First Officer at the time, regulations permitted-"
"No, I know, I don't care, it's not allowed." Jim shakes his head, and the room spins around him. "You can't do that. You're not meant to."
"If this is an order, I will adhere to it." Spock nods. "However, were it anyone else, they may remind you that it is inappropriate for the Captain to prohibit relationships within the fraternisation regulations, without evidence that it would negatively affect the running of the ship."
"It would do that." Jim declares firmly, and jabs Spock in the chest. "It would make everything terrible."
"Drink some tea, Captain."
"Jim. Please." Jim reaches out and takes the tea anyway, sipping. He doesn't sip carefully he enough, he feels some spill from his lips, and he wipes his face. "Spock. Spock, Spock, Spock."
"I assure you, that remains my name, no matter how many times you repeat it."
Jim giggles. "Say my name?"
"Your name is Jim."
"Would I be Jim Spock, if we got married?" God, so stupid, talking about marriage. He and Spock haven't even kissed yet! He'll fix that soon though. Show him that he's a much better kisser than Uhura.
Spock is still for a moment.
"I don't understand the intention of your question."
"I wanna know if I have to change my name." Jim tilts his head. "Or would we be Captain and Mr Kirk?"
"Vulcans do not take discussion of marriage lightly, Jim." Spock says, firm, a little off-standish.
"Oh." Jim pauses. Sets his cup down. "Right."
He should make his intentions clearer then. He shuffles even closer to Spock.
"You're not allowed to kiss anyone on the ship." Jim states, in his best command voice. "Except! For me!"
He leans in, and presses his lips to Spock's, cradling his cheek. Their kiss lasts not even a fraction as long as Jim wants it to, because Spock jerks away, standing.
"Captain. It would be best if I take my leave of you now."
"What?" Jim can't help the whine that comes out of him, and he reaches out to grab at Spock's hand. "No, no, come back."
"You are drunk, Captain. It is highly inappropriate of me to entertain sexual conduct with you in this state. I apologise that I have not left sooner." He shakes free of Jim's grip, and heads for the door.
"No, no, no, Spock, please don't leave." Jim stumbles to his own feet, hurrying after him. "'M sorry, I won't do it again, I just love you so much, I love you, please don't leave, I won't do it again, please."
Spock stills. "Excuse me, Captain?"
"Don't go." Jim seizes the opportunity to grab Spock and lock his arms around him tightly.
"You are highly inebriated. You do not love me."
"But I'm in love with you." Jim murmurs.
"You have kissed several other people tonight, Captain, I can smell it. Do not tell me lies."
"Just kisses. Not like you." Jim holds him. "You're mine."
"And yet you are not mine." Spock growls, and if Jim wasn't so muddled, he'd think the Vulcan sounded upset. "Release me. I wish to return to my own quarters now. Good night, Captain."
"Spock." Jim shakes his head, and holds him tighter. "'S Jim. Not Captain."
"Good night, Captain." Spock repeats, and extracts himself from Jim's arm.
He leaves, and Jim just stands and watches.
Jim wakes up with the worst headache he's ever had. He says it every time, but this time he means it - he's never going drinking with Bones ever again.
He fumbles for his personal PADD to shut that awful alarm going off. And blinks blearily as he sees an unread message from Spock.
He can vaguely recall talking to Spock after getting back to the ship. Spock brought him to his room, and Jim can remember feeling happy, followed by a real sense of forlornness.
He looks at the unread message.
COMMANDER SPOCK to CAPTAIN KIRK at 02:31
This is an inappropriate use of internal messaging. Cease contacting me immediately.
Jim stares at it. And jerks upright, ignoring the way his head pounds in protest. How many drinks did he have?
He glances to his bedside table, and sees that his previous night's self appears to have had an entire bottle of Saurian wine before bed. But at least drunk-Jim had the decency to leave him a few anti-hangover hypos beside it. Decency he apparently did not extend to Spock.
Jim jabs himself in the neck, gaze lingering on the notification, dreading what he could have done. Stomach churning, he opens the message thread.
CAPTAIN KIRK to COMMANDER SPOCK at 01:13
spoc
spok
spooooooooooock
come bak please
i miss yu
CAPTAIN KIRK to COMMANDER SPOCK at 01:21
spk
getover here an kiss me
righht now
thats an order !!!
CAPTAIN KIRK to COMMANDER SPOCK at 01:27
pleas
ididn mea n to
didnt ! mean it
jsut rlyrly wanna kiss
hold my hands also !
CAPTAIN KIRK to COMMANDER SPOCK at 01:35
spock ur so handome
an i love u so much
plz don leave me i need u i need u ill do anything
sorry im in lov with u i wont do it again
CAPTAIN KIRK to COMMANDER SPOCK at 01:46
why would u kiss bones n not me
i KNOW u both said u didn but why would u do that
im ur best friend
u don wanna kiss me thats fine but i likeed it
i like u ur so prettyy
i love u actually
do u wanna have sex
CAPTAIN KIRK to COMMANDER SPOCK at 01:59
spock
CAPTAIN KIRK to COMMANDER SPOCK at 02:07
sfrry rfea telingrt iyu a toehmserg
COMMANDER SPOCK to CAPTAIN KIRK at 02:07
Do you require medical aid, Captain?
CAPTAIN KIRK to COMMANDER SPOCK at 02:07
SPOKC
i eereqiure uuuu
lip o n my lip
mwaah
COMMANDER SPOCK to CAPTAIN KIRK at 02:08
Captain. A cursory inspection of the ship's supply log indicates that you have taken a bottle of alcohol to your quarters. I would not recommend ingesting it.
Please refrain from inviting me to kiss you.
CAPTAIN KIRK to COMMANDER SPOCK at 02:08
k
m drinkin it alredy sry
dn hate me
COMMANDER SPOCK to CAPTAIN KIRK at 02:08
I do not hate you, Captain. I apologise for any impression I have given otherwise. I simply do not believe it is wise to conduct a conversation regarding your sexual desire while you are inebriated.
CAPTAIN KIRK to COMMANDER SPOCK at 02:09
ROMATINIC desrIRE
not sjust sex
pro sex tho
CAPTAIN KIRK to COMMANDER SPOCK at 02:28
wanr u to fuck me
CAPTAIN KIRK to COMMANDER SPOCK at 02:30
cn i give ua blowjob plzz
nevr had vulcn se x
u can tke my vulcanirginity hahhe haahe
COMMANDER SPOCK to CAPTAIN KIRK at 02:31
This is an inappropriate use of internal messaging. Cease contacting me immediately.
Jim stares at the log. Rereads his own words, over and over again, horrified.
Even drunk, he's never - Jim doesn't do sexual misconduct, he's not that guy, he's better than that, the thought that he could be so vulgar, bulldoze so far past the line? And to Spock! His Spock, who doesn't deserve this.
Oh god. He said all this to Spock. Why? Why the hell would he do that? Because sure, yes, he loves Spock, he's loved Spock for a long time, and -
He's in love with Spock?
Jim squeezes his eyes closed, running his hand over his face. Snippets come back to him - he punched Bones? Because of Spock. Because Bones said he and Spock kissed, and it was a joke, but it still made Jim's skin crawl, because Spock is his. Jim would rather spend every day and night with him, just sitting in companionable silence, than hook-up with a random stranger at the bar, so he punched Bones.
Did he say he kisses people in front of Spock to make him jealous? Jim massages his temples. He doesn't know if he said that to Bones, or (the far worse option), Spock.
Spock, who he is in love with. Spock, who Jim can't lose, no matter the cost.
Spock, who Jim... forced himself on? He thinks he remembers a kiss, on the couch. With lips, not fingers, because Drunk Jim clearly doesn't care about respecting cultural differences. Drunk Jim is an asshole.
He needs to fix this. Immediately. Needs to grovel and beg for Spock's forgiveness, because otherwise he's going to lose him. And frankly, Jim can't handle that. He'd give up everything for Spock - another terrifying thought, he's never felt that way about anyone, he'd always choose his career over any prior relationships, but if resigning command is the price of Spock's presence at his side, Jim will do it.
Because he's in love.
How long? Jim doesn't even know, didn't even know he is in love, but now that he does, he can't forget it. Spock is tangled in everyone of his thoughts, the Enterprise would feel empty without him. By his side, as he always should be, just like Edith Keeler said. Edith, who he'd fallen for in a week. And meanwhile, he's been slowly falling in love with Spock for four years, without realising it, so there's no way he could have stopped it.
And now, one drunken night, and he might have ruined everything.
Jim eases himself out of bed, feeling a little better now that the hypos are starting to take effect. He can fix it. He'll fix it, that's what he does.
Spock is on the Bridge, of course, and doesn't even glance at Jim as he exits the turbolift. He's in the Captain's chair, he'd been scheduled for conn until Jim's leave officially finishes for beta shift, and without a word, he moves back to the science station.
Jim's tongue feels too big, and his fingers twitch. He's fucked it. He's fucked all of it up.
"Captain." Uhura nods at him, and Jim feels his stomach twist as remembers something else.
Did Spock say he used to date Uhura? And then Jim banned him? Nice going, Drunk Jim, banning staff relations without basis. He could get written up. Maybe he will get written up. Spock has every right to, for multiple things.
He hesitates to sit down.
"Lieutenant." Jim nods at her. "Could you take the conn? Mr Spock... I'd like to speak to you in the ready room."
Spock's shoulders visibly tighten, and Uhura glances between them.
"Yes sir." She says eventually, and moves to take the seat.
Spock, still not looking at Jim, walks to the ready room. Jim follows, mind scrabbling for the right thing to say.
"Mr Spock." Jim doesn't know why he's sticking to formality, but it feels safer somehow. He gestures to sit.
"I'd prefer to stand, Captain." Spock responds, and his monotone is far icier than usual, shielded from Jim in a way it hasn't been since they first met.
"Of course." So Jim stands too. He opens his mouth, but no words come.
Spock meets his gaze, and his eyes are steely. Not a hint of the warmth Jim's come to know and love.
"To assuage your concerns, Captain, I do not intend to report last night's incident. It is my intention to wipe the computer's memory bank of the messages we exchanged. I have contemplated the matter, and I believe it would be inefficient to continue to operate as First Officer aboard the Enterprise. I shall submit my-"
"You can't resign."
Spock pauses, and seems to study Jim. "Is that an order?"
"A plea." Jim corrects. He leans back on his desk. "Spock. I'm really, really sorry. I don't know how to make it up to you, what I did, what I sent you, it's - it's completely inappropriate, and you have every right to report me, if that's what you want to do."
"I do not want to jeopardise your role as Captain." Spock counters.
"It doesn't matter, forget about that." Jim twists his hands. "I hurt you. And I'll do anything, whatever you want, to try and fix it. If you'll feel uncomfortable working with me - You like the Enterprise, I know you do, you shouldn't have to leave because of me, so... If it would make you comfortable, I can resign, or request a demotion to another ship, and-"
"No. You must not do that." Spock says, firm. "You did not hurt me."
Jim grimaces. "I kissed you. And - Said all that stuff."
"You were intoxicated, and therefore I am aware you did not mean it." Something crosses over Spock's face, a twitch in his brow that Jim is pretty sure means disappointment. "I had assumed that you would feel embarrassed by this, which would affect your ability to communicate with me, and have a negative impact on the Bridge. Therefore-"
"I meant it." Jim says, then promptly wishes he hadn't, based on the frustrated-and-upset downturn of Spock's lip.
"Perhaps you do not fully recall the specifics. You expressed more than sexual desire."
With a bravado he absolutely does not feel, Jim meets Spock's gaze firmly. "Tell me then. What I said."
Spock shifts his weight from one leg to the other before going back to parade rest.
"You may change your mind about my presence on the Enterprise, if you are made aware of the untrue feelings you described. It may be best if I did not remind you of them."
"Spock." Jim swallows a lump in his throat. It is embarrassing, that he has to repeat it, but there's something distressing about the thought the Spock thinks Jim didn't mean it. "Drunk or sober, I'm in love with you. There's nothing untrue about that."
Spock blinks at him. So Jim starts rambling.
"I didn't know. I didn't know until last night, when everything just clicked, when I realised that - That I kissed that prince on Zanox V because I wanted you to be jealous. That I can't stand the thought of you being with anyone who isn't me. That I would give up a thousand shore leaves if it meant one extra day with you. I didn't know I'm in love with you, but now I do know, and I can't believe I never realised it, because the fact I love you influences everything I do, every decision I make. I want - Spock, I'm sorry, I'm not telling you this to make you uncomfortable, I just really need you to know that it's real. What I feel for you is real, I wouldn't lie about it, because I don't even know if I can lie to you, you're the most important person in my life, and I don't want to lose you. So just tell me what you need me to do, and I'll do it. Anything, if it means you won't leave."
Spock blinks again. Slowly.
"Are you still drunk, Captain?"
"No."
Spock's brow furrows harder, like Jim is a particularly difficult puzzle. Jim holds his gaze, still twisting his hands together.
"We can pretend I didn't say anything at all, if that would be easier. Easier for you I mean." Jim adds belatedly.
"I do not see the logic of that suggestion." Spock replies. "I am merely - I find myself uncertain of how to respond."
"You don't have to say anything." Jim shakes his head. "Just... I'm sorry. And I hope you can forgive me. And now that I know about these feelings, I can work on getting over them."
"Is that what you wish to do? 'Get over' your feelings?" Spock frowns at that.
"I can't be in unrequited love forever, Spock." Jim smiles sadly.
"Ah." Spock hesitates. "I have made an error."
"No, no, you haven't done anything wrong-"
"Captain... Jim." Spock takes a step closer, and Jim's heart flutters despite himself. "Despite my best efforts to meditate on and suppress the unruly emotion, I have been in love with you for three years, five months, two weeks, four days, eight hours, and nineteen minutes."
Jim gapes at him.
"I thought it best to withhold this information from you. Your flirtation last night was not unwelcome in and of itself, but your intoxication was. I admit, I would have preferred to kiss you for the first time under different circumstances." Spock surveys Jim's face. "If this is perhaps not what you wanted me to say, I-"
"Do you mean it? You're not just... saying?"
"I have meant every word I have ever said to you Jim." Spock says quietly.
Jim looks at him. Really looks at him, trying to gauge whether this is a cruel joke, maybe Bones put him up to this as punishment for his terrible wingman abilities, but Spock would never play along with something like that. He'd never lie to Jim, even if he wasn't Vulcan.
"Kiss me." He murmurs, and outstretches his fingers.
Spock looks at them. Then surges forward, and presses his lips to Jim's, stepping closer, crowding him against the desk. Jim loops his arms around Spock's shoulders, tangling his fingers in his hair.
He's a good kisser. Lips firm, tongue making its way into Jim's mouth deftly, licking into him deliciously. Jim kisses back, fierce, and his heart is hammering.
He's kissing Spock. Spock. Holy shit, Spock's in love with him.
Jim has to pull back to draw breath, but he doesn't stop holding him. Their faces are only inches apart, and Jim finds himself just staring at him as a slow grin takes over his face.
"You're so handsome."
"Your aesthetic appeal is unmatched." Spock replies, gazing back at him.
He's got that other expression Jim hasn't been able to read until now. The one he gives Jim over chess, or after talking about a book, or after a particularly nasty visit to sickbay. The one with soft, soft eyes, and relaxed brows, and the tiniest part of his lips.
"... You're in love with me." Jim whispers.
"This is correct." Spock pauses. "You're in love with me?"
"So much that I don't even know what to do with it." Jim brings his hand to Spock's cheek, and trails his fingers along his jawline. Spock shivers beneath his touch. "What did I do three years ago that I have to thank myself for?"
Spock hums. "You have done many admirable things three years ago, that many feel grateful for."
"No, I mean." Jim revels in touching Spock's face, cradling it in his hands. God, he loves him, how did he go so long without this? Without even knowing he wanted this? "What made you fall in love with me? A particularly logical decision I made? Or did I do something cool?"
"You beat me at chess."
Jim scoffs. "I always beat you at chess."
"Not always." Spock replies, slightly indignant. "While it is correct that you had beaten me prior to the moment I fell in love with you, it was not until three years ago that I noted that losing was no longer intolerable. I... found myself deliberately losing our next ten games to confirm my hypothesis, which was that - It is illogical, Jim, that I would concede however many games you'd wish, for no purpose but to see you happy. Illogical, and yet true."
Maybe it's stupid to get so flustered about the thought of Spock throwing a chess game, but Jim feels his face heat as he thinks about it.
"You're the most romantic Vulcan in the world."
"Now is hardly the time for insults." Spock grumbles, but his tone is still soft. "I wish to kiss you again, Captain. James."
Jim's legs turn to jelly, a reaction he has never had for his full first name. "Oh wow."
"James?" Spock tilts his head, and Jim thinks he might be turning bright red.
"I might fall over if you say my name like that again." Jim murmurs.
"I would not want that to happen." Spock lifts Jim at the waist and sits him on the desk, hands staying on his hips. "Better, James?"
"Oh my god, I'm so in love with you." Jim pulls him for another kiss, gripping the back of his shirt tightly, one hand still cradling his cheek. One of Spock's arms loops around him, hand gliding up and down Jim's back.
Jim could stay like this forever. Just him and Spock, kissing on the Enterprise until the universe implodes.
"Jim, Uhura said you and Spock have been in here for almost two hours now, and if this is about what I said-" Bones must've used his override, because Jim didn't hear a request to enter. He cuts his sentence off with a splutter.
"Ah. Um, hello." Jim clears his throat as he pulls away from Spock, trying to figure out if there's a non-incriminating explanation for both of their messy hair, kiss-marked necks, and the fact Jim is on his knees, and he'd just had a mouth full of Vulcan genitals (a lok and fra'als, both things which Jim is very much looking forward to getting to know).
Bones stares at him. Then at Spock.
"Is there something you require, Doctor?" Spock asks, sounding infuriatingly calm for someone who was just having his equivalent of a dick sucked.
"Uh." Bones says.
He knows Bones has probably seen Spock's genitalia in a physical, but Jim still feels a bit territorial about it. He covers Spock's lap with his arm, shifting position to fully hide him away. "You should go."
"I should go." Bones echoes. "Well. You should not be having sex, oral or otherwise, outside of your quarters. And Spock, you should get an STD test. And-"
"I don't have STDs." Jim adds quickly.
"You have had numerous partners, Jim, it is logical for me to get tested."
Bones makes an indignant coughing noise that sounds like it's covering a bark of laughter.
"Leave, Bones." Jim grumbles. "Before I continue in front of you."
"I'm leaving, I'm leaving!" Bones says, while Spock tuts at the suggestion.
Bones turns tail, and Jim sighs, resting his chin on Spock's leg once the door locks again.
"I can't believe you kissed him."
"I did no such thing." Spock frowns with his eyebrows. "Although there was one occasion where we brushed fingertips while I was assisting him with a lab study."
Jim stares at him.
"It was unintentional." Spock adds.
"I have a rule for our relationship." Jim announces. "No kissing Bones."
Spock nods. "Agreed. I have another suggestion."
"Mhm?"
"No leaving blowjobs unfinished." Spock nudges Jim with his leg. "Don't break that rule, and I won't break yours."
Jim snorts. "You wouldn't kiss Bones."
Spock gazes at him, brow raised, as if daring him.
It's unnerving enough that Jim gets right back to work.
Anything for the man he loves.