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Steve’s leaned back on a blanket, sunglasses perched on his nose as he watches the kids run around the park with each other as they enjoy the beautiful late-March weather.
Lucas and Will and Mike are playing frisbee on one of the few open chunks of grass to his left. Lucas is desperately trying to teach his beloved, non-jock friends how to throw a frisbee well enough that it doesn’t veer immediately into the ground, or into someone else’s picnic, every other time. Will and Mike are currently laughing at Lucas as he has one hand on his hip, the other waving the frisbee around as he yells something about “ proper form ” and “ how to flick your wrist ” and “ aerodynamics .” Steve shudders, sees exactly where Lucas got the pose from, and turns to look over his shoulder.
Max is over on the old tennis court behind them teaching Erica how to skate, both of them in protective gear as part of Steve’s requirements. He’s had one too many concussions, and they’ve all had ten or twenty too many life-threatening hospital visits between them, for him to not adamantly refuse to let them do anything that could result in bodies and heads colliding with concrete without any protective gear involved. The girls grumbled a yes, mom before acquiescing, though Erica seemed to have fun picking out matching gear to Max when Steve took them shopping, so he’s counting it as a win for all involved. At least Erica has someone to connect with and look up to. Erica seems to be balancing pretty well if Max’s cheers are anything to go by.
Steve turns back forward to where Dustin is currently teaching El how to fly a kite. El is staring at the shitty plastic as if it’s the most beautiful thing in the world. Dustin’s going on and on about how to check the way the wind is blowing first, how to deploy the kite and slowly relinquish more twine, how to hold the grip tight so it doesn’t blow away, how to not release too much slack so it doesn’t get out of control, how to stay away from trees so it doesn’t get all tangled. El is nodding and taking in everything as if it’s life-saving information. Steve is thrilled to see the way her eyes are lighting up and how she’s lost a lot of that pent up tension that comes with fighting evil mind wizards and knock-off horror movie creatures before hitting puberty. She deserves to be a kid.
El turns toward him as if on cue, her face lighting up with a brilliant smile. She shakes her kite at him vigorously. Steve laughs and waves at her, gives her a thumbs up. “You got this, El Bell!”
El nods and turns back to Dustin, the two working together to get her kite up and steady in the air. Once it’s comfortably staying on the breeze, Dustin cheers, pumping his fist in the air, El mimicking the excitement with a few excited jumps of her own, her hands gripped firmly to the coil of string. Dustin reaches over and says something, to which El nods. She then wraps the coil around her wrist twice before gripping it tightly in her hands again, looking to Dustin for approval. Dustin grins wide and nods before getting his own kite up in the air, coil wrapped around his own wrist for good measure. The two sit down then, shoulders knocking as they get into what sounds to be a heated conversation about Jean Grey and Wonder Woman.
Steve nods to himself as he watches. He’d lost a few kites that way, by getting excited and accidentally letting go of the flimsy coil of string, or by getting it caught in a tree, or by pissing off his mom.
“Twizzler for your thoughts?”
Steve looks to his right. Eddie is reflecting his position, leaning back on his elbows, hair piled up in a chaotic bun, sunglasses perched on his nose, though Steve can just make out the crinkles around his eyes peeking out around the edges of the lens as Eddie looks back at him, a soft smile on his face. His sloppily cut sleeveless Judas Priest shirt rucked up slightly on his stomach, the sides billowing out in their deep cut to let the breeze in. He’s holding out a handful of Twizzlers between them.
Steve laughs, holds out his palm. Eddie drops a few into Steve’s hand before taking a massive bite of, like, 5 Twizzlers at once.
“You’re an absolute gremlin.”
“Mm, I prefer goblin, actually.” Eddie leans in, mumbles around a mouthful of half-chewed Twizzlers.
Steve rolls his eyes, raising one hand to gently palm Eddie’s face away. “Fucking hell, don’t talk with your mouth full, you absolute goblin . Happy now?”
“Peachy.” Eddie grins.
Steve hums, turns back to watch Dustin and El while he eats his Twizzler in a very non-goblin way. Dustin is gesturing wildly with the hand not tied to the kite, mouth going a mile a minute, Steve’s sure. El has her head cocked to one side, both hands still firmly holding the coiled string, her eyebrows lifted high into her bangs.
A big gust of wind comes through then, whipping their kites violently against the current, jarring El out of the conversation. She seems to panic slightly, starting to frantically grapple with the string to reel the kite in. Dustin reaches his free hand over to stop her, leaning in to calm her mounting fear. He stands, offers her his hand, pulling her up. He turns them both to better position themselves in the wind. He grins over at Steve and waves before taking off at a jog across the field.
“Dustin! What are you–”
El laughs, sends Steve a blinding smile, and takes off after Dustin.
“ El ! ” Steve slumps back. “Fuckin’ hell, these kids.”
“Seems like they’re having fun. El’s really taken to the kites we picked up.” Eddie, finally free of the Twizzler monstrosity, muses.
“Yeah, it’s just – they gotta be careful with ‘em, ya know?” Steve gestures toward Dustin and El who are now chasing each other in circles, their kites flimsily flopping through the air. “At this rate, they’ll destroy ‘em and–” Steve turns, mouth still open where he trailed off mid-sentence, and raises his eyebrows expectantly, like Eddie should know exactly what it means to be careful with the kites.
Except, of course, Eddie doesn’t. Just stares back, one brow lifted up in question. “ And ?”
“And – well, then, um.” Steve’s voice wavers slightly. “And then they’ll – just,” He sighs. “Nevermind, it’s nothing.”
He feels Eddie shift ever so slightly closer, feels the brush of a pinky against his own under the crumpled jacket Steve took off once they got to the park in favor of enjoying the sun in his threadbare tank. The touch warms Steve through far more than the sun beating down on them, makes his insides feel like pop rocks, threatening to explode through his skin in a desperate attempt for more more more .
Eddie squeezes his pinky – the most comfort they’re allowed to give each other in public, and even then it has to be obscured like this or else they’ll be crucified or put on trial. At least Hopper would get them off the hook, but still.
“Sweetheart?” Eddie squeezes Steve’s pinky again. “What’s goin’ wrong in that head of yours?”
“‘S nothin’. Just watchin’ the kids ‘s all.” Steve’s thankful for the glasses protecting his eyes at that moment because he can feel the damp starting to build. He blinks vigorously, wills the tears to stop before they even start.
“I mean, the little shitheads make me wanna cry too. All the damn time. But, they’re surprisingly good today.” Eddie nudges Steve’s shoulder, shifts his own glasses up into the chaos nest on his head. “Look at me?”
Steve turns, looks into the loving eyes of his boyfriend, and his resolve all but crumbles. Silent tears stream down his face. “ Shit .” He swipes clumsily at his cheeks, knocking his glasses around in the process, a choked laugh escaping. “I promise I’m fine.”
Eddie cocks his head, eyes crinkling in their squint. He hums, squeezes their pinkies together again before moving his hand to envelop Steve’s wholly.
Steve’s breath hitches, his voice coming out small. “ Babe. We can’t.”
“It’s under your jacket and there’s no one on this side of the park ‘sides the kids. We’re fine , sweetheart, ‘least for a few minutes.” Eddie lifts himself slightly and rips the hanky from his back pocket, handing it over. “To dry the tears that so marr the face of my beloved. I’d do it myself, but that actually might be pushing it.”
“Thanks.” Steve takes the hanky, uses it to wipe the last bits of tears away before dropping it in his lap. He sighs, heavy and pained. Eddie squeezes his hand, his eyes soft and encouraging in their gaze. “I just–being at the park is great, and, you know, I just want to be here and, uh, help the kids feel like…like kids , you know?” He looks over for confirmation, either of the park being something kids actually do – something he’s not even sure of anymore – or of the fact that their kids should get the chance to just be kids after saving the world, like, 5 times.
Of course Eddie knows the second part. He fucking lived it. What a stupid fucking question. Steve just doesn’t know how to broach the first part with him.
Eddie nods, though, with the same encouraging smile on his face.
Right, yeah. Eddie’s not one to make him feel stupid for anything, ever.
“They just deserve this. And it’s fuckin’ nice as hell to see them being so… normal . To have gone a year with no earth shattering apocalypse or any omens from the ground beneath us.” Steve gestures, looks out at the park that sits on the edge of Hawkins. A tiny thing, normal enough, on the edge of all the shit from last year, so it looks relatively unscathed, at least in the parts they visit.
He tips his head back, eyes squinting at the glare of the sun, even through his glasses. He closes them after a few moments, takes a shaky breath. “And I feel so fuckin’ stupid,” he holds up his free hand to stop Eddie’s pending interruption. “Just let me finish.”
He hears Eddie clamp his mouth shut, a grumble of “ you’re not stupid ” echoing through the bubble they’ve made together.
“I feel so stupid, because, like – I’m happy for them. I want this for them. I want them to be dumbass kids and enjoy growing up and being dumb and having sleepovers and gossiping and playing games and just hanging out and enjoying being kids . I mean, for fuck’s sake, Erica’s twelve . She’s a child . I know I call ‘em all kids still, but she literally is a kid. And I’m so fuckin’ happy to see her and Max getting on, though terrified at what those two can cook up together. I’d deal with their combined snark any day of the week before ever going back to Max isolating herself, or Erica dealing with this shit on her own. She’s tough, but, like, a kid, you know?”
Eddie squeezes his hand, starts rubbing circles against his palm. Steve’s grateful for the contact, grateful for everything about Eddie, really. Grateful he knows when to listen and when to interrupt and when Steve needs a little prompting to continue and when to wait for Steve to gather his thoughts. Steve doesn’t even know what he needs half the time until Eddie figures it out for him.
“But?” Eddie offers, tone gentle and free of judgement.
“But…” Steve turns his head, blinks his eyes open, takes a few seconds to reorient his vision to Eddie as the sun spots fade from his sight. “But there’s a part of me that’s almost, I don’t know, jealous, I guess? Jealous that they get this, get to just be kids without–” He swallows, feels new tears hot on his cheeks.
Eddie’s brow furrows. “Stevie?”
“Did I ever tell you about the last time I flew a kite?” He looks over Eddie’s shoulder to where Dustin and El have now settled to a slow walk. He thinks they’ve traded kites somewhere in the midst of his breakdown. Dustin laughs at some story El is telling and Steve smiles. “Is it weird to remember the last time I flew a kite?’
Eddie shifts, seemingly mulling over the whiplash of a topic change. “‘S not weird, least not a bad weird or anything.”
“Right, sure. Well, um, my mom used to actually take me out to the park and stuff when I was little. I know, shocking, right? Those were some of my favorite memories of her because she would actually kind of… relax for a bit, or at least would be less tense.” A wistful smile takes over his face. “I had this collection of kites that I remember loving, but fuck if I remember what they looked like. I just knew that kites meant the park, and the park meant my mom would relax for a bit. But, I had a bad habit of losing the kites, or fucking them up like everything else.”
Eddie grumbles, “You don’t fuck anything up.”
“I did, though. A lot of things. But the kites were, like, a breaking point, I guess. Or one of many.” Steve pushes his glasses up on top of his head so he can fully wipe his eyes with his free hand. They’re red and puffy and glistening with the endless reserve of tears that he tries so hard to keep under control. “When I kept accidentally letting go of the kites, or they would get ripped from me on a big wind, I learned to tie the kites off to my wrist, like Dustin showed El, so the kites couldn’t fall out of my hands. ‘Cept the kites would still get stuck in a tree, or fall into the bushes and get ripped. I started tying them to my belt loops so I could run around and play, but that just also made them get twisted up.” He takes a deep breath, scrubbing his face. “Fuck, man, this is so dumb.”
Eddie squeezes his hand, but Steve can tell by the way his leg is bouncing and the slight clench of his jaw and the softness of his eyes that Eddie wants to offer more than the obscured comfort a crumpled jacket is allowing them. Fuck Hawkins. “Never dumb, sweetheart. I promise.”
A wet smile covers Steve’s face as he continues. “Well, young Steve did a pretty dumb thing. The last time I flew a kite, we were at one of the parks near Loch Nora. I was so excited. I wore my favorite shoes, these little scuffed up sneakers with some god awful pattern on them. My mom hated them because they were ‘ dirty ’ and ‘ unprofessional ’ or whatever, but what the fuck does a 7-year-old care about professionalism? I don’t even know if I really knew what that word meant then. She would only let me wear them at the park or when we worked outside, those few times a year she actually touched her flower beds.
“But, we get to the park and I go running out to the open field with my kite in hand. I lean down and immediately start threading the string through the holes where your shoelaces go. I was so determined, and so sure , that this would keep the kite safe, because those were my favorite shoes, and as long as I was careful with where I walked, the kite wouldn’t fly away, it wouldn’t get caught in anything, it wouldn’t get torn, or whatever.
“So, I get the kite secured and tucked the coil of string into the side of my shoe. I grab the slack and go to stand to get the kite into the air. It was a nice windy day like today. The kite took off easily and I was just so, so happy. I walked around and was able to pick up cool rocks and flowers and stuff, was able to play other games and even talk to some other kids, I think, without worrying because the kite was secure. And it worked, for like, an hour, until my mom noticed.”
Steve stops, feels cloth damp across his cheek. He blinks. It takes him a full 4 seconds to realize Eddie is drying his cheeks with the hanky that had been crumpled in Steve’s lap. Eddie looks up at him and smiles, a sad thing. “You don’t have to keep going, sweetheart.”
Steve nods. “No, no, I do. I just – I haven’t really, like, thought about it in, god, 12 years? 13 years? Or something like that.” He chews on his lip, thinking about how it’s really been that long since his mom spent any time with him like that. That’s not as sad of a thought as he expected, but, really, he came to terms with his parents not really being parents a long time ago.
He takes a deep breath, swallows down the bubbling anxiety in his chest that always comes with reliving his childhood. “So, I get a good hour in with my new kite plan, and then my mom comes rushing over. I guess she finally saw I wasn’t holding the kite, or maybe she hadn’t even looked at me for an hour, I don’t–” He shrugs, runs a hand through his hair. “But, she wasn’t happy, like, at all . She grabbed my arm and started hauling me off to the car, and I was so scared and confused. I didn’t know if someone was hurt or I was in trouble, but I remember hoping for the first option, even though it was selfish, because being in trouble meant–” His voice wavers and he takes a shuddering breath.
“Anyway, we get to the car, and my mom starts just fucking laying into me about how stupid I am and how what I did is ‘ unbecoming of a young man ’ and I’m standing there, a fucking 7-year-old, trying hard not to cry because crying is also unbecoming. And I’m just so confused because I don’t know what I did wrong. So, when she’s done yelling, I just nod. It isn’t until she tells me to sit down and rips my shoes off that I even get an idea of what’s happening. But, before I can say anything, or ask any questions, she just–she takes my shoes, grabs a fucking nail file or something from her bag, and cuts the kite loose. I start screaming, because wow, I loved that kite and was so happy to fly it. I told her I’d be good, I started apologizing for nothing just to try and fix things, and then she throws my fucking shoes in the trash can and tells me to get in the car.”
Steve drops his head to his knees, pulls his hand away from Eddie’s and wraps both arms around himself as he sobs.
“ Oh. Stevie, sweetheart, I’m so sorry. That’s – fuck, that’s such an asshole thing to do. You didn’t deserve that.”
“I thought I did. She was so mad, Eddie.” Steve lifts his head to look at Eddie, face blotchy red and slick with tears. “She never took me to the park again. She never did anything with me again. It was like I just stopped fucking existing.” He hiccups around another sob.
“Hey, listen to me.” Eddie holds his gaze, hands viciously gripping the blanket between them, pinky just barely grazing Steve’s shorts, but he’d feel that warmth through seventeen layers of clothing, he’s sure. “You did nothing wrong. You were a kid . You didn’t deserve to be treated like that. You weren’t dumb and you didn’t fuck anything up. Frankly, your mom is a heartless, soulless bitch, and if I never see her again, it’ll be too soon. You owe her nothing, and never will. She’s hardly a mom. Hell, Claudia and Joyce have been better moms to you then that woman ever has and ever will be.”
“Why is my mom’s name in your mouth, Eddie? I swear if you’re shit talking her meatloaf reci– oh shit .” Dustin’s voice is suddenly much closer than Steve remembers. His eyes flick up to see they’re only a hundred feet or so away. He frantically pulls up his shirt to wipe away the tears, though he knows by Dustin’s ‘oh shit’ that it’s fruitless, and he steels himself for questioning, throwing a pleading look at Eddie in the process.
“Steve? Why are you crying?” El jogs over, Dustin close behind, and sits on the blanket in front of him. “Are you hurt?”
He pulls on a thin, watery smile. “No, El Bell. I’m not hurt. I’m okay.”
El frowns. “But you’re crying.” She turns toward Eddie, narrows her eyes. “Did you make him cry?”
Eddie throws his hands up. “Innocent, Ms. Grey, I swear. I’ve been a perfectly adoring boyfriend.”
El holds her squint a few moments longer before releasing with a nod. “Good. I would hate to have to be mean to you.”
Steve lets out a laugh at that, a full blown cackle, really. El looks shocked, though a smile pulls at her lips. “Did I say something funny, Steve?”
“Stevie, are you laughing at your sister threatening me ?”
Dustin plops down on Steve’s free side, offers up his arm, which Steve gratefully leans into. Dustin squeezes his shoulder and smiles at him before leaning forward to look at Eddie. “If you made Steve cry, then yeah. You know where El’s loyalties lie.”
“Oh, yeah? And where do yours lie, Henderson?” Eddie leans forward, glaring at Dustin.
Dustin looks at his arm around Steve, then at Eddie, back to his arm, then back to Eddie. He raises his eyebrows, a smirk to accompany the gesture.
“Un-fucking-believable. You nearly give your life to protect a guy and he still doesn’t choose you.” Eddie grumbles before throwing himself flat on the ground, lolling his tongue out. “Goodbye, cruel world, for I am left alone to perish.”
“Hey!” Steve croaks out, throat still thick with tears. “Alone? The hell am I, then?”
“You, my dear, are the one who stole away my loyal subjects.”
“We’re not to be stolen. We choose where we go.” El smiles, leans against Steve’s legs. “I choose you both, but Steve is sad, or hurt, and so right now he needs me more. I will be there for you when you are sad or hurt like I am here for Steve right now.”
Steve stares at El, swallows down a sob at how matter-of-factly she just said that. The surety in her tone warms over something deep and broken inside of him, starts to knit it back together. He feels hot tears on his cheeks again and pulls up his shirt again to wipe them away.
“Fuck. Alright, yeah.” Eddie sits up, hissing out at the movement. “You make a good point, Ms. Grey – I do apologize.” He gives a half bow and El giggles.
Dustin squeezes Steve’s shoulder and leans in. “What’s goin’ on, man?”
“It’s stupid, you two don’t need to worry about it. I’ll be fine.”
“If you’re crying, it’s not stupid, Steve.” El glares at him softly, a look he knows well to mean you taught me this so why aren’t you applying it to yourself? He loves her, but damn, does she have a memory like a steel trap, and a heart full of fiery loyalty and love for her family.
“She’s got you there, man.” Dustin chuckles, and, wow, okay, betrayal.
“I think Stevie here would feel a whole lot better if you two taught him how to fly one of these sweet kites you’ve both got.” Eddie chimes in. Steve cuts him an incredulous look and shakes his head.
Dustin cocks his head, opens his mouth to speak, but is cut short by Eddie’s hanky pelting him in the face. “Henderson, if you know what’s good for you, shut the hell up.”
“Wha–? I didn’t even say anything!”
“Preventative measure.”
“I’ll teach Steve how to fly a kite.” El pipes up, practically vibrating with joyous energy, her smile blinding in its intensity.
Steve can’t help but smile as he looks at her. “You don’t have to. Really, I’ll be fine.”
“But, I want to. I want to spend time with you.”
And, fuck . How is Steve supposed to deny that?
El stands and holds out her hand. “We found a really nice spot over there with lots of wildflowers that’s really nice to walk through with the kites. Can I teach you there?”
Steve looks at her hand, then over to Eddie. Eddie smiles at him, reaches over and squeezes his thigh once before pulling his hand back. “Go on, sweetheart. Dustin and I will keep the stuff guarded for a bit.”
“You sure? I promise I–”
“ Stevie . You deserve this. You deserve to replace that with a better memory. And, plus, your El Bell has specifically requested your company.”
Steve turns back to El, her palm outstretched, her face patient and kind. He bites his lip as he considers it, thinks about how raw he is right now, feels the fear and anxiety over even touching a kite again, but the love in El’s smile somehow blankets over all of that. He lifts up the collar of his shirt to scrub his face one solid, good time to get rid of any tear-marks, then takes her hand and stands up.
El beams at him and leads him toward the open field, their hands slotted together. Steve feels the warmth radiating off of her and lets it burrow deep in his soul. If there’s one thing he’ll never deny, it’s basically whatever El wants or asks about. She’s his sister now, and he would do anything to see her happy. He’s not surprised she’s picked up on doing the same for him.
Once they get to the field, El starts on a tangent of things she learned from Dustin about how to fly a kite and keep it safe, how to turn with the wind to get the best draft, how to lower and raise the kite as the wind changes, to stay away from trees to avoid getting stuck. “Oh! But, first, here.” She reaches out towards his hand, which he easily gives to her. She smiles and wraps the string around his wrist twice like he saw her do earlier, before placing the coil in his palm. “There. That will help make sure it doesn’t fly away. It creates a stronger tether. Just hold onto the coil when we release the kite.”
She’s smiling so earnestly at him that his heart feels like it’s about to burst. There’s nothing but pure love in her smile. No hidden expectations or anger. No shards to look out for. Just pure, unadulterated love
“That’s really smart, El Bell. Thank you.”
“Dustin showed me!” She holds up the kite. “Ready to launch? Just hold onto the coil and let out the string to get it up into the air.”
Steve nods back at her and she holds up the kite as he unfurls the string, then she tosses the kite up. It takes easily to the air and he hears a few whoops behind them, definitely coming from Eddie and Dustin, and he smiles.
The kite steadies itself after a few moments and he takes solace in watching it flutter in the breeze. He feels a nostalgic wave of calm wash over him at the sight and he sits down, overcome with the emotion.
El immediately sits next to him, her hands plucking out the wildflowers from the patch they’re sitting in. She starts braiding them together into what he knows will be a crown perched on his head within the next 10 minutes. He’s grateful for her ability to just sit in silence at any given moment, and she’s grown pretty good at knowing when he needs silence or no questions and when he needs to talk. He’s so damn lucky to have found a younger sister in her. He thinks they both kind of needed each other in scarily similar ways, though the flavors of their trauma differ.
They sit like that for a few minutes as he watches her work the flowers together, giving her feedback on which ones are his favorites, which she readily includes more of, causing something warm to bubble inside of him. He’s learned that warmth is basically a default emotion around El, and is proved right again when he looks up at her, her brows furrowed slightly in concentration as she hums out one of Eddie’s songs. She should come with a warning – be careful, contains so much love it will burst through every barrier known to man just to build you back up again.
“Hey, uh, next time, could we–” He fidgets with the coil and El nods at him softly, urging him to continue as her fingers deftly twist the flowers together. “Could we, instead of just wrapping them to our wrists, could we just –” His voice drops to a whisper, “could we tie the kites to our shoes? Where the shoelaces go?”
El cocks her head to the side, and Steve stammers out an explanation. “We would have our hands free then to do other things, like play other games, or, uh, or –” He gestures at her collection of wildflowers scattered across her lap. “Or pick the flowers, make more flower jewelry!”
El keeps her head cocked a few, excruciating seconds longer, before righting herself, smiling that brilliant smile up at him, sending fresh waves of warmth through his soul as sets her finished crown on his head. “I think that’s the best idea you’ve ever had, Steve.”