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Bucky was tired. He’d been tired ever since his peace in Wakanda was diminished. He had told Raynor that he’d just been going from one fight to another for decades. He thought that being a congressman would help but with barely half a term, it was obvious that he didn’t belong in politics. Then everything with Bob and the Thunderbolts, it was just another fight. At least with them, Bucky felt like he somewhat belonged. Everyone had a traumatizing past just like him, seen as villains and not really heroes. It was nice, but nothing nice ever lasts.
Before the Thunderbolts, Bucky was happy. He confessed to Sam and thankfully, Sam felt the same. With Bucky being in DC for congress stuff, he and Sam spent a lot of time together. Bucky even stayed at Sam’s place, waking up next to him and feeling that peace again. Torres was doing better and it felt like Bucky finally had a family. But again nothing nice ever lasts.
Bucky got a call from Sam after helping Bob come back to himself, asking Bucky what happened and if he was ok.
“I’m fine, Doll. Just a few scratches and a headache, don’t worry.” The Thunderbolts were currently in a motel, resting up after what happened and cleaning themselves up. Bucky could hear the sigh of relief that came from Sam, smiling slightly to himself.
“Okay good. I also called to ask what the hell I saw on the news. What's with this New Avengers?” Bucky knew this was coming, he remembers the conversation that he had with Sam while Joaquin was on the brink of death. How Sam felt like he wasn’t good enough to start a new team of Avengers, how he wasn’t like Steve. And now here Bucky was, with a team of his own.
Bucky took a deep breath, trying to calm his heart as he thought of the best way to tell Sam.
“Valentina got the jump on us. We were going to take her in but then the press showed up. She used it as an opportunity to make it seem like she was the one who formed us. This was never supposed to happen.” Bucky whispered the last part, wishing that he could say this in person so he could see how Sam reacted. Also to just be with him, Bucky really just wanted to be held right now. The void was still fresh and he hated reliving what he did.
“Yeah well now it's happening. Buck, I told you how I felt about starting another team and it’s like you just ignored me and did it anyway.” Sam sounded annoyed and hurt, something that Bucky couldn’t stand. And he was the one who caused it.
“We were only supposed to take Valentina in and then go our separate ways! Sammy, why would I lie to you?” Why did Bucky feel like he was losing Sam? Why did this feel like a breakup? Bucky wanted to reach into the phone and pull Sam into his arms, tell him that this meant nothing to him. He didn’t say any of that and Sam was in DC.
“I don’t know. But I know that I want nothing to do with the team. You can keep the New Avengers Buck, they’re all yours.” Sam sounded so defeated and Bucky couldn’t do anything about it.
“Sam please. I can’t do this without you.” Bucky wanted to throw up as Sam let out a humorless chuckle.
“It looks like you're doing great without me. Goodbye James.” The call ended and Bucky felt like his heart was ripped out of his chest. This was so much worse then when Steve left him, he felt like he was going to die. He didn’t even notice as tears started to stream down his cheeks as he sat on his bed, staring at nothing with his phone in his hand.
Bucky lost Sam and it was his fault. He couldn't keep anything good in his life, everyone always left because of something he did or said. Steve left and now Sam. A week after Bucky found out that Sam was trying to sue the New Avengers and wasn’t that just a stab in the gut. So for 14 months, Bucky had been trying to get Sam to dismiss the lawsuit. That started arguments that ended with Bucky shutting himself out and just crying in his room. He was just so tired.
After the last meeting, Bucky decided that enough was enough. If he didn’t convince Sam to drop the lawsuit then he was just going to give up. Bucky didn’t have the energy to keep going, something that his new therapist said was to prioritize his mental health and if that meant losing Sam then so be it. The thing about Sam was that he was stubborn, something that Bucky admired in him. He always fought for what he believed in and always spoke his mind on things. Bucky just never thought he would be on the end of Sam’s stubbornness.
The final meeting was a week later. Bucky showed up to Sam’s apartment, different from where they would usually talk, which was his office. Bucky hated that his picture wasn’t on display anymore and it hurt his heart when he first noticed. He had jokingly said to Sam that people are going to know that they were dating because of it. Sam just shrugged and said, let them know, I always need a little bit of you around. That led to a heavy makeout session but now when Bucky thinks back, he just feels his eyes start to water.
Bucky stood in front of Sam’s door, Sam had taken his spare after their first meeting so Bucky resorted to ringing the doorbell. Sam’s footsteps were quiet as he opened the door and Bucky was face to face with him again. Bucky was sure that he looked worse for wear, probably bags under his eyes but Sam didn’t look that great either. His beard was growing out slightly and he had a bruise underneath his left eye, probably from a mission.
“You already know what I’m going to say, Bucky.” Sam said, his voice a little scratchy like he hadn’t been sleeping either. Bucky nodded, shoving his hands into his leather jacket pockets.
“I know. Which is why this is the last time I’m going to ask you to drop the lawsuit. If you still feel the way you do after this then I’m backing off.” Sam looked surprised with what Bucky was saying. Did Sam actually like the arguments that they would get into over this? Maybe Bucky was just overthinking it.
Bucky cleared his throat before gesturing if he could come in. Sam moved out of the way as a way to invite Bucky in. As Bucky stepped in, it felt like he was losing his heart all over again. The pictures that hung on the walls were just of Sam and his family, a few of the old Avengers and one or two of Sam and Joaquin. Bucky's face wasn’t seen anywhere, like Sam had just cut him out completely.
“Are you going to keep staring or are we actually going to talk?” Sam’s voice pulled Bucky out of his thoughts before giving Sam a small nod. Bucky sat down on the couch as Sam sat down on the arm chair across from him. Had this been when they were dating, Bucky would have rolled his eyes and pulled Sam to sit right next to him, his arms wrapped around him as he kissed Sam’s neck. But no, they broke up and this is how things are now.
Bucky let out a breath, his mind thinking about the dog tags that rested close to his heart as a way to ground himself.
“Do you remember Karli?” Bucky asked as Sam looked a little surprised at the name. The Flag Smashers was their first mission together, just the two of them. And the cookout after? That’s when Bucky realized what he was feeling for Sam was love. Sam gave a nod, not saying a word as Bucky continued.
“Remember how you begged to just talk to her? To change her mind and try to give her a second chance? That’s how I feel with this team. Ava, Yelena, Bob, they’ve had shitty lives. They were controlled just like I was and I want to help them realize that what happened in the past is just in the past.” Bucky felt like an older brother to those three, having that instinct to take care of them like he did his sisters and Steve.
“This is my way of helping people. I know it's not ideal and I hate working for Valentina, you know how much I complained about her to you. But I need to be there for them like how you and Steve were for me when I had no one.” Bucky caught the slight shake in Sam’s hands at the mention of Steve, before he shoved them into his pockets. Bucky swallowed harshly as he tried to figure out if he should keep going before Sam spoke.
“I should’ve known that’s what you were doing. You’ve always cared about people, Bucky, even if you have a weird way of showing it.” Sam gave a slight smile, which caused Bucky to relax slightly.
“You can’t get rid of Valentina?” Bucky shook his head, ringing his fingers together.
“She’s a part of congress, you know how the government is with controlling heroes.” Sam nodded, looking at Bucky’s hands, almost as if he's think about holding them.
“It would be nice if you joined us though. I know you couldn’t save Karli but maybe you can help them.” Bucky suggested, even though he knew it was a loaded request. Sam looked down at his feet, probably considering his options. Bucky knew he wouldn’t get an answer today so he stood up and pulled his dog tags off. It wasn’t just his set that laid on the chain, it was Sams too. He wanted to keep his identity and the love of his life close to him at all times.
Bucky crossed the room, Sam looking up as Bucky took his wrist and gently put the tags in his palm.
“I took yours after the cookout, obviously you never noticed or just didn’t want to say anything.” Sam let out a huff as Bucky let go of his wrist and tags.
“If you want to join, just come see me. If not, keep them safe for me.” Bucky said with a tired smile, looking back into Sam's eyes. For a few seconds, Bucky memorized his face, knowing that this could be the last time they see each other in a peaceful setting. Fuck, Bucky was going to miss his gap tooth smile.
And then Bucky walked out. Sam didn’t call for him or got up as Bucky closed the door. Was this closing the door to his old life? Would he ever see Sam again other than when they would have to work together? He didn’t know. Only time would tell.
-
Bucky stuck with his plan and didn’t talk to Sam for a week. Everyday he lost a little bit of hope that maybe Sam would walk through his doors but he never did. So to keep himself distracted, he trained with his team, helped Bob with the dishes, and talked to Yelena about what happened with Sam.
“You both need to get your heads out of your asses. Just make up and make out as the kids would say.” Yelena and Bucky were lounging on the couch, nursing their beers as everyone else trained. Bucky could hear that Ava was totally kicking ass, and his chest swelled with pride.
“It’s not that simple. He’s mad and I gave him my reasons so I just have to wait and see.” Bucky took a swig of his beer, watching Bob come into the room and sit down next to them with a glass of water and his book.
“Bob, back me up here. Do you think that Sam and Bucky should just fuck it out?” Yelena asked as Bob looked a little horrified and confused.
“Wait…you guys dated?” Bucky groaned as Yelena nodded enthusiastically.
“We didn’t specifically say we were dating but the public kinda just figured us out.” Bucky grumbled as Yelena let out a laugh.
“Please, anyone can see the heart eyes you give each other. Even that one lawyer, you know, the blind one?” Bucky rolled his eyes at Yelena, taking another sip of his drink. Bob cleared his throat.
“What did Sam say?” Bucky shrugged, still feeling bare without the two sets of dog tags by his heart.
“He hasn’t said anything yet. I told him that if he wanted to join, just come here.” Bob nodded, looking down at his book.
“Do you think he will?” And wasn’t that just a loaded question. Bucky hoped that he would, but the logical part of his brain screamed that he wouldn’t. Bucky broke his heart and there was nothing he could do to fix it.
“I hope so.” Bucky whispered and left it at that.
-
Bucky sees Sam next week but it isn’t how he planned it. Because nothing ever goes to plan for Bucky. And the universe just hates him. It has ever since he was drafted.
It was supposed to be an easy mission, retrieve weapons from aliens that a gang has started using against other gangs. Not really the Big Three but there was alien tech involved so Bucky didn’t know if that counted. Sam would’ve. Anyway it was supposed to be easy, but of course, things went wrong.
The team was holding up against the gang, dodging, throwing punches and just working together. It was nice that someone was watching Bucky’s back again, even if it wasn’t Sam. He felt like a hero again and wasn’t that a feeling.
Bucky took down his gang member, looking around at the team before seeing that one of the weapons was aimed at Yelena and she was already taking care of someone else. Bucky didn’t think before his feet started moving, tackling the man holding the weapon. The weapon went off and Bucky felt his eyes widened. He froze for two seconds before knocking the guy out with his vibranium arm. Slowly the pain started to register as he finally looked down at his torso. The sight wasn't pretty. There was a hole that burned into his lower stomach and he could see his organs that absolutely weren’t supposed to be showing. Bucky barely had time to react before he couldn’t hold himself up and fell to the ground.
He fell with a thud, hand covering the hole even though no blood was flooding out of him. He heard footsteps and a sound he thought he would never hear again, thrusters and a shield bouncing off people. Yelena was right next to him, her face was full of worry and that in itself was a weird sight because Yelena didn’t get worried. Then he heard it.
“Bucky!” Bucky knew that voice anywhere and fuck he missed it so much. It took all of his strength to look over and see the love of his life. The hole in his stomach burned but it didn’t compare to the hurt he felt when he saw Sam’s face. He looked ready to cry, his face full of anguish that just didn’t belong.
“Sammy…you're here.” It was getting hard to speak, hard to think. But it was worth it because Bucky heard Sam let out a sad chuckle. Sam’s hand went on Bucky's cheek and Bucky leaned into him.
“Of course I’m here, Buck. I was worried about you.” Bucky felt his heart swell, a small smile growing on his face. Sam still cared. There were muffled voices, Sam turning to look over and that’s when Bucky saw it. There was a chain around Sam’s neck, no doubt their dog tags tucked underneath his suit. Bucky's smile just grew wider as his eyelids started to feel heavier.
“I love you, Sammy.” And Bucky let the darkness take him, no matter how much Sam told him to stay.
-
Bucky was in and out of consciousness for a while. He got snips and pieces of what was happening around him, worried voices, machines whirring, left arm coming off, and Sam telling him he was going to be ok. Bucky held onto that one tightly as his mind fought with him. Memories of the Winter Soldier and the Void plagued his mind.
That damn chair always made an appearance and Bucky felt like he was forced into it every time. Sam’s words echoed in his mind as the phantom pain of being wiped happened over and over again. Bucky never forgot who he was, always going through his mantra of ‘I am James Buchanan Barnes, I am no longer the Winter Soldier.’
Bucky felt like he was stuck in his head for weeks before he started to wake up. The first thing that Bucky saw was bright lights that he had to adjust to. Then it was his team, all curled up on a bunch of chairs that looked incredibly uncomfortable, fast asleep. Bucky blinked a few times, filling his chest swell before he looked to the right of him. Bucky thought he was still asleep when he saw Sam, right next to his bed, looking at Bucky with his deep brown eyes. He was out of his suit and Bucky was right, he was wearing the dog tags.
Bucky went to open his mouth but when words should have come out, coughs did instead. Sam wordless grabbed a cup with a straw from a table close by and held it out for Bucky to take a sip from. Bucky gulped the water greedily, eyes never leaving Sam’s as he did. Once Bucky was done, Sam put the cup back where it was.
“How are you feeling?” Sam asked in a soft voice that made Bucky want to melt through the floor.
“Like I have a hole in my stomach.” Bucky's voice sounded rough, like someone had sanded down his throat. Sam let out a humorous huff with a smirk.
“I don’t know what I expected knowing you.” Bucky inched his right hand before Sam got the message and held his hand. Sam’s hand was warm and calloused, something that didn’t change with time.
For a while they sat there in silence, Bucky rubbing his thumb over Sam’s knuckles. It was nice, peaceful even. Like they never broke up. Bucky relished in it until Sam broke the silence.
“I know how we both can win.” Bucky blinked in surprise, not knowing there was a way that they could both get what they wanted.
“I talked to a lawyer from Hell's Kitchen, Happy actually recommended him, and if you and everyone else is willing, we can testify against Valetina and hopefully, get the Avengers name away from the government.” Sam said, squeezing Bucky’s hand gently. Bucky thought it over and it wasn’t a bad idea. He knew that the team, minus Bob, would testify against her. They all hated her ever since she tried to kill them and Bucky refuses to let Bob become an experiment again.
“What about the team?” He wanted them to stick together, wanted to keep them around if he could. Sam smiled, his gap showing slightly.
“If everything works out, you can still be a team together and you can still be a part of the Avengers. I just want you guys away from the government.” It made sense, that's what the Sokovia Accords were all about and Steve refused to sign them and in turn, Sam didn’t sign them either.
“I think it could work…but what about you?” Sam just waved Bucky off with his free hand.
“I was thinking about having different Avengers all over the place, each having a different leader. While you’ve got yours, I’ve got Joaquin, Kate Bishop, Kamala Khan and Riri Williams. I call them the Young Avengers.” Sam said with a snicker and Bucky just rolled his eyes. Of course, Sam had his own team, no wonder he didn’t want to join Bucky’s.
“You could’ve said that you had your own Avengers.” Sam gave Bucky a shrug.
“Where's the fun in that? Plus, it's not like it's legal.” Once again Bucky rolled his eyes because he knew it was bullshit.
“When is court? Can we get it down as soon as possible?” Bucky almost begged as Sam nodded.
“Once you are discharged, I’ll set it up. For now, I want you to heal.” Bucky huffed, pouting slightly before scooting over. Sam raised an eyebrow, Bucky patting the empty spot with his left hand. Sam let go of his right hand, getting up and then laying down next to Bucky. They both shifted so they were looking at each other. Bucky ignored the protest from his stomach as he memorized Sam’s face like before. Sam moved a piece of hair away from Bucky’s eyes, letting his fingers brush through his hair for a moment. Bucky let his eyes close as he let himself enjoy the feeling.
“I missed you, Sammy.” Bucky confessed, Sam moving his hand so he could scratch at Bucky’s scalp.
“I missed you too, babe. I’m sorry about the lawsuit and not listening. I just didn’t want you guys to lose your right to choose like Steve and Tony almost did.” Bucky leaned into Sam’s hand, humming.
“Just…don’t leave again please.” Bucky heard Sam’s breath hitch, his fingers stilling. Bucky opened his eyes, looking at Sam. Sam had tears in his eyes as he shook his head.
“I’m never leaving you again. You're stuck with me until we die.” Bucky felt his body relax before he leaned forward and placed a quick peck on Sam’s lips.
“Good, I love you too much to let you leave again.” Sam chuckled as he blinked his tears away, bringing up his other hand to cup Bucky’s cheek. They both leaned in, their lips meeting again and it was perfect. Bucky never got tired of kissing Sam and he never will. It was soft, meaningful and just fucking perfect.
“I love you too.” Sam whispered against Bucky's mouth as he pulled Bucky into his chest, going back to playing with his hair. Bucky let out a sigh of relief, his body relaxing as he went back to sleep, ready for the horrors that his mind might come up with. Instead, he dreamt of Sam.
-
Yelena was the first one to wake up, her head on Alexei's shoulder and Bob curled up next to her. She let out a hum, noticing Sam and Bucky on the small hospital bed. They were both holding each other tightly, fast asleep and for the first time in fourteen months, they looked happy. Yelena smirked as she pulled out her phone, taking a picture to use for blackmail later. She knew they would make up eventually.