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Jason finished his patrol, it was a great night overall, quiet and peaceful, it rarely is, so he decided to savor it while he can. He checked on the working girls (and the working men, however small the amount may be), greeted the children, and proceeded to walk them back to their homes, where their grandmas kept lecturing him on taking care of himself. They ended the lecture by giving him a batch of cookies. Jason, for once, decided to listen to the grandmas and spoil himself to a nice, warm bath, a cup of lavender tea, some nice, smooth jazz music, ambient lights, their cookies, and a book. “The murder of Roger Ackroyd” by the wonderful Agatha Christie. It’s his current favourite. Tonight’s been going well until the clock hit 12, and he happened to look at the calendar on his phone only to find out that the date was April 27th. Quickly, his mood dampened, but surprisingly not as much as he thought it would.
It’s been 7 years since he was resurrected. He is 23 now, but Jason still sometimes feels younger. Contrary to popular belief, he is not angry and obsessed with his death so much it becomes his entire personality, he simply likes gallows humor. It makes those around him uncomfortable. Which is intended. hell, he doesn’t even joke about it that much, only when the situation was similar to his own trauma.
He never seriously spoke of his death in depth with anyone, actually. And Jason wholeheartedly believes he has every right to be angry at them and at the world for everything that happened to him, they will not alter his perception of himself and make him think he is simply delusional and overdramatic. How is he expected to let go of his own death when others are still so fixated on it? How do they expect him to not be angry when seemingly nothing was changed after his death??
Bruce looks at him as though he were a blight, and in his softer moments he looks devastatingly nostalgic. Jason knows he sees the 15 year old boy at those moments. His relationship with Dick was rocky when he became robin, but they had gotten closer, and JUST when Jason felt comfortable calling Dick his brother in his own mind, it was all torn away from him in the cruelest way possible. Now he obviously doesn’t seek Dick out, not trusting him enough with anything outside of battle. and Dick tried to hate him, in the past. He tried very badly, but Jason knows he didn’t, he doesn’t, and he doubts that Dick ever will hate him. Jason doesn’t know how to feel about it. He’d be lying his ass off if he said he hated Dick, but Jason certainly still feels a sort of choking resentment directed at him, he thinks Dick feels it towards him too, at the very least sometimes. It’s a mutual kinship of sorts.
(Jason isn’t blind to the desperate yearning in Dick’s eyes whenever he looks at him, though. How he bites his tongue every time Jason leaves them after their joint patrols are finished. He recognizes Dick’s need to be brothers again. Jason recognizes it all because he feels the yearning too, deep down. He wants his brother back. Jason wants to call Dick his brother without feeling like he might genuinely throw up.)
Jason remembers how it was when he was robin, the things Bruce would tell him during training, how he didn’t meet certain expectations—Dick’s—and how he should try harder. How Alfred would look at him with vague disappointment because he misbehaved at one of Brucie Wayne’s galas, how he expected for him to act more like Dick. They never vocally compared him to Dick, but Jason isn’t stupid —again, contrary to popular belief—, he knows how to read in between the lines. He can also see the slight polite disinterest they had in him when he met other heroes. He was eternally in Dick’s shadow. No one batted an eye at him, it felt like it was all because of the sin of not being Dick Grayson.
And he didn’t even blame them. Dick was truly amazing. So was Jason, but his brand of amazing wasn’t like Dick’s. They preferred Dick’s rather than Jason’s (So did he).
Now, Jason is quite confident in his capabilities. He knows he’s intelligent, very intelligent both academically and strategically; tactically. He is an excellent detective. He can be cold, calculated, and detached when the situation calls for it. He knows he is independent, capable, and self sufficient (he had to be, taking care of his cancer stricken mother, being homeless for two years, saving Bruce’s ass on several occasions as robin, single handedly helping dick out by dealing with the titans in his absence because he needed to be rescued, saving Bruce’s, Clark’s AND Diana’s asses that one time as well.) he knows he can handle a variation of weapons like no other, he knows he is deadly, lethal, and absolutely cruel when he knows he has to be. He’s always had a wonderful sense of “knowing exactly what and when shit needs to get done”. He is much calmer than people give him credit for, but he knows he is an emotional man, and he is not ashamed of that, and despite that he knows how to go through his emotions logically and how to weaponize them when he needs to (admittedly that took him a while to figure out. His emotions were all over the place). He knows how to manipulate those around him when he has to. And he’s GOOD at it. Great, even.
(He also stopped a terrorist attack that could have started world war III, he thinks it’s pretty neat)
He can hack into anything easily, and he doesn’t need Bruce’s bat equipment, he can make his own. He’s always had an affinity for mechanical engineering. Cars and all sorts of vehicles fascinated him, he loved looking through expensive cars just to see how the engines worked and how they looked. He also fixed the late Thomas Wayne’s watch for Bruce’s birthday. And Roy helped him grow in several different areas while inventing new ideas for his gear and equipment. (He still feels that sting of guilt whenever he remembers looking down on Roy’s genius when they first met, not even Roy’s endless reassurances could completely stomp on that small twinge of shame, especially since Roy had helped him countless times when Jason fell.)
(He remembers not too long ago how sad Roy looked at him when Jason accidentally slipped up and said something about himself that revealed just how down the drain his self-esteem was. And Jason finally got the epiphany that he’s been meaning to get years ago. Was he seriously letting go of his own morals and beliefs, his IDENTITY, just for an iota of a chance to be with the bats? Was he really regressing and ruining everything he worked hard for ever since he came back to life? Why the fuck would he do that??)
Jason is his own person first, last, and always. He is no one’s sidekick, he is no one’s shadow, he is no one’s brother (except for maybe bizarro) and he most certainly is no one’s son. (He keeps telling himself that, but does he genuinely believe so?)
But Even with the heroes not being as interested with him as they were with Dick, he at least expected them to know him more than that. But apparently not.
Ever since his death, Jason’s name was absolutely tarnished to hell and back. The amount of victim blaming he has heard about was absolutely revolting and maddening. And he found out it started from Alfred because of a confrontation he had with Tim on a rooftop. Apparently Alfred stated that he was “angry, reckless and dangerous” and that it was “expected sooner or later”. And wasn’t THAT disappointing? But not truly surprising If he’s being honest. Alfred had always seemed to have a slight case of classism, and he often felt looked down upon in the manor. Jason always knew a classist pig when he sees one. He’s been dealing with their shit for the longest time. But you know what they say, never bite the hand that feeds you. (He saw that Alfred enabled Bruce’s more unhealthy habits when it came to Batman, but Jason never truly spoke up about it from the fear of being abandoned because he was too bold when speaking of their “father-son” relationship that existed for longer than Jason even lived. He wonders if Bruce wouldn’t have been so emotionally dull if it weren’t for Alfred.)
But anyway, Alfred oinked his poison in Bruce’s ear, and Jason assumes that Bruce, in his haze of grief, spread the word to other heroes, Leading to the frankly diabolical amount of victim blaming that was directed at a child who only wanted to save his mother.
Alfred then proceeded to give Robin to an untrained child; with no regard for his safety. He apparently thought that he had the right to do so. Robin, the legacy that killed him. And Alfred, like the enabler that he is, encouraged Tim’s victim blaming even further. So he, too had shown Jason in a terrible light to his own team. He can forgive the kid for that, he was young and easily influenced by elder figures, and with Bruce already being on the victim blaming train, obviously Tim was going to follow in his footsteps. But he won’t forgive Alfred for the irreparable damage he’s done to his name.
They call him stupid, brash, irrational, impatient, reckless, that he was too angry, too impulsive. As if that wasn’t literally what any other robin was as well. Even Damian now. The only difference is that each of those who used to be robin have always had the capability to move on from it and leave it behind, Damian has that capability as well. But Jason never did, his life was cut too short, he never got to grow into his own person the way they did. (He only ever got to have the same privilege much later on).
(And honestly he will never understand the “stupid” comments, considering he’s been handling himself without anyones help just fine, and had a straight A record in school. He set the curve of passing goddamn it)
They endlessly disrespected him and slandered his name, seemingly not even minding the basic human decency of not speaking ill of the dead. Some even said that it was inevitable that he would be just like his father (the father that had to do crime because there was no other choice for their living situation, the father that, despite their difficult lives, still loved him and his mama with all his heart and did everything in his power to make them as satisfied and healthy as possible. The father that died in jail) And it caused irrevocable damage to Jason’s image to the hero, anti-hero, and even the villain communities. And he will always resent them for such a thing, he has every right to be angry, to never forgive them. The heroes or the bats. Those who didn’t partake in the victim blaming clearly didn’t speak up about how wrong it was, and Jason resents these people too.
They said he had a “darkness inside of him”. No he didn’t, he was just a traumatized teenage boy who was angry on behalf of those who were treated unjustly. For those who were forgotten by the sorry excuse of a justice system that belonged to Gotham. But what would they know about the hardships of poverty? Of having to resort to crime because no one is helping? Because to those in the upper class, they are nothing more than muck under their designer shoes? They acted upon the disgusting stereotypes set up by the high society after all.
They used him as a cautionary tale, a horror story for child heroes (the concept of child heroes still baffles Jason to this day, especially after what happened to him). “Don’t be as reckless as Jason or you’ll die too” “don’t be rash and impatient like Jason” “don’t be like Jason, or you’ll die”. he wouldn’t have even minded being used as a cautionary tale if it was done correctly. “Avoid psychopathic murderers like the joker, they’re dangerous” for example. Telling the kids not to be like him and systematically trying to push the false idea of his recklessness will only get these kids killed faster. He cannot forgive that.
Bruce somehow never thought of thoroughly investigating his own son's death, so they never got to know that he was betrayed and sold by his mother, they never got to know that he died a hero's death by still attempting to protect her from the bomb despite everything she’s done to him. Or maybe he did investigate but still chose not to say anything to anyone. Letting his son’s name get torn apart right in front of him. Jason genuinely doesn’t know which one is worse.
Speaking of mothers, Jason wished sheila was alive, not because he thought she deserved to live, but because he thinks she could have spoken about the truth of his death, and how it wasn’t his fault. He thinks Sheila could have been a witness. And isn’t that just pathetic? The fact that he wishes his so called mother was alive just to prove to those grown ass adults that they have no reason to victim blame him?? It seems like the world turned on him. But he will still continue to stand and fight, and he will win. But that doesn’t mean he wants to do all that unnecessary fighting.
(He suddenly finds that he desperately misses Natalia and his mama. He wants to be enveloped by their hugs again.)
He hurt the bats, but they’ve hurt him as well. What was that saying again? Ah, if they go low, I go lower. He remembers some guy in court saying that. He laughed a little but the phrase stuck to his head.
He made his mistakes, and he will own up to them, but only if they own up to how shittily they’ve treated him. Because despite their “welcoming arms” they were still wary and on edge around him. Like he’s a loose cannon, and he won’t lie that it hurt before. But by all means he’s just as wary of them too, so he can’t say much. He..understands that Bruce loves him, and so does Dick, and that Alfred, in his own stoic way, also did. He knows that they want to genuinely build a relationship with him. But Jason knows better now than to drag himself back to the Bats for their approval, that would mean being controlled, that would mean letting go of his personhood. He worked damn hard on shaping that, he will not allow it to be stolen from him again. And maybe that means leaving Gotham for a while.
He has Artemis, Bizarro, Eddie, Rose, kara, and Roy (on the occasions that he is not busy with his own life and his daughter). He has a life outside of Gotham, outside of the bats. Finally.
He could go deal with evil magical beings and put his knowledge of the all-caste to good use for once. maybe drag essence into it too if he feels like it. Or he could go on spy missions and deal with world wrecking atrocities (like that terrorist attack that could’ve started world war III. Best believe that he will never stop mentioning that. God he’s awesome). He could continue leading the young outlaws again, he certainly missed those annoying snot nosed kids. He could stop criminal organizations from trafficking children for any means. Recently he’s heard of a pedophile Spanish trafficking ring, he’s been planning to stop it for a while now. He could go to space and take up joint missions with Kyle Rayner, he doesn’t mind the bickering anymore now that he knows its all just jokes. He prefers to work alone, but he has people in his corner that he can rely on. He has a family.
He isn’t ready to call the bats his family, mostly because he doesn’t know most of them anymore. He doesn’t know Tim on a personal level. He’s met Damian in the league of assassins but the boy seemed content on being disdainful to him currently. Duke is cool, he likes Duke, but doesn’t know him much as well. Steph is awesome, he likes her too. He’s painfully indifferent towards Cassandra. Once upon a time, he thought of Barbara as a big sister of sorts. And Dick is complicated, on one hand he feels affection and love for him; the love and affection is returned, but on the other hand Dick was probably one of those who never spoke up about the victim blaming. He has done things to make Dick angry with him, but so has Dick. He isn’t ready to call Dick a brother yet (he wants to, but he can’t disrespect himself like that by forgetting everything that happened between them for the sake of a too damaged title of brotherhood), but he is a friend right now, at least.
(He doesn’t want to think about everything that happened between him and Bruce. He absolutely refuses to think about Alfred.)
He could go over to the manor one last time before he leaves Gotham and talk to them about the differences in their morals, maybe they think he’s crazy because they refuse to believe that he makes good points. He doesn’t want them to kill, but he wants them to at least understand that he’s doing good by doing what he does, he wants to stop being demonized constantly. They could listen to all his reasonings and he will listen to theirs, and see where they go from there. They could agree to disagree and still be connected as long as he doesn’t kill in Gotham or tell them about who he kills, or they could stop being his family again. Either way, he was going to leave Gotham, he needed a break from them and everything else. And the bats deciding that he should leave the family will hurt if that truly will be the outcome, but he knows he has a net of people that will catch him if he falls. He isn’t truly alone anymore. He wants to be a bat, but he knows he doesn’t need them. He will not let go of his ideals and his morals for them. He simply will bitterly accept that they are still fixated on a boy forever frozen in time (not forever, he’s still here, why can’t they see that?) while he looks ahead into the future, lets go, and moves on.
He snaps out of his thoughts when his phone pings. Oh, It’s a message from Dick. “Want to go out for coffee tomorrow, little wing?” It read, and Jason knows that Dick only calls him by this nickname only on special and vulnerable occasions. Jason never knows how to reject his advances or requests when he calls him that. He thinks he never will. “Sure, why not.” He replies back. Dick responds with “Great! Tmrw at that coffee shop that’s also a library you were talking about when we patrolled together last time?”. Jason smiles a little, he mentioned that on a whim, he didn’t think Dick would remember. “It’s called ‘bookworm’s brew’ and yes, obviously.”. Dick takes a while to respond this time, then he says “why do i get the feeling that you’re gonna force me to read some boring old classic books” And Jason snorts at that, he was actually. He merely responds with “:)”. “Oooh ugh yeah you definitely are” Dick responds. “Better than those shitty romcoms you read from Steph” Jason types back with amusement. “They’re not that bad!” Dick types, and Jason just laughs, because he knows Dick is lying. Jason just responds with “…” and Dick replies back with “…well okay they are kind of that bad BUT! At least I get a laugh out of them so i call it a win” Jason laughs some more. Then he abruptly stops laughing when he gets another text from Dick.
“I love you, Jason. I’ll see you tomorrow at 2PM, alright?”
He doesn’t really know where that came from, or maybe he does. They don’t tell each other that a lot, definitely. Dick seems to be trying to mend their relationship though, and Jason honestly appreciates that more than he can put into words. Jason replies back with “Yes I’ll see you tomorrow, Dickface.” Then hesitates before texting again “Love you, too.”
Dick simply reacted to both messages with a heart.
He scrolls down from Dicks contact to see that Bruce’s icon is online. He is almost certain that the old man wants to text him something but doesn’t know what to say. Jason decides to have mercy on him and texted first with “I’ll come by the manor tomorrow, old man.” As expected, Bruce immediately read it. Then responded back with “I’m looking forward to seeing you, Jason.” Then he began typing again, only it took him 5 minutes to finish typing, and just when Jason was going to close his phone, he got his text. “I love you, son.”
Jason froze, he loves Bruce as well. He always did, which is why it hurt a lot, what was going on between them. He’s not ready to say it back to him yet, but he reacted to Bruces message with a heart. He hopes that Bruce understands what he means.
Maybe the bats (his family?) really are as hurt by the distance between them the way he is. Maybe they really are trying to get closer to him again. Maybe they really are trying to finally see that Jason is still the 15 year old boy they lost, simply more mature, changed by traumatic life events, but still is that boy at his core. Maybe. But non of that matters right now, he’s going to sleep to be as well rested for the morning as possible.
He knows that these texts aren’t going to fix much. They still need to work a lot of things out. He needs to work on himself more, first and foremost. Which is why he still will leave Gotham, just not this week.
and he thinks he will be okay. For once he is certain of that.