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John hates to sleep.
When he’s awake, he can push aside the thoughts and memories of the past five years; he can ignore the guilt and the questions and force himself not to wonder how he could have done things differently to save her. Cortana.
Sleep, however, offers no such protection.
It is then that Cortana calls out his name. Sometimes, there is desperation in her voice. Other times, there is hope. But there is something missing each time she speaks.
Her humanity.
Often, there is darkness surrounding him. John forces himself to move forward, even though there is nothing to guide him except his need to find her.
It is enough.
John says her name. His voice echoes in the void. Cortana, come home.
She ignores him.
There are sounds around him, horrors that they have experienced together since Reach. The harsh laughter of an Elite, the deep rumble of the Gravemind, the dying breaths of those they were unable to protect. Then, there is the oppressive silence that enrobed them when they floated in space all those years.
He feels her watching him, as if testing his resolve to reach her.
He will not let her down.
Finally, in the distance, he sees a blue light. He knows it’s not his Cortana; she is no longer the beacon of light she once was. She’s changed, but so has he. He charges forward as if speed and willpower will be enough to convince her to return by his side.
Sometimes, she appears right in front of him. Other times, she is standing too far away for him to touch. His arms, no matter how hard he tries to move them, remain at his side.
He says her name again, this time it’s no more than a whisper. There is emotion -- too much emotion -- in his voice. He wonders if she notices.
Most of the time, she tells him of her plan to bring peace to the universe as she walks back and forth in front of him, not making eye contact with him. Occasionally, she confesses that she has doubts in the Warden’s plan. It is then that she will look him in the eye.
He tells her it’s not too late, he can still take care of her.
She laughs. The sound is harsh. I’m your savior now, John.
He fights against the force that is holding him back and manages to reach out, desperate to stop her from walking away from him. Again.
Cortana, please.
She turns around and leaves, but not before reminding him that he had the chance to save her but failed.
He always wakes up at that point. He doesn’t know if his conversations with her are real, they certainly feel like they could be. Halsey reluctantly admitted that it is possible. After all, she said pointedly, you’ve had visions of Cortana before.
It is after one such dream that John finds himself sitting in his makeshift bed, pulse pounding. It takes him a second to realize that he’s not alone in his tent. Fred is standing at the opening. John can tell something is wrong.
“Chief...you need to get out here.” He pauses for a moment, allowing John to grab his helmet from the ground. “Cortana’s here. And she wants to talk to you.”