Archive of Our Own

"Scars have the strange power to remind us that our past is real.” 

- Cormac McCarthy

Naruto’s soft breath was enough to assure him that his genin was alive. Kakashi found comfort in it, even if his weight irritated the barely healed scars that criss-crossed his back. It wouldn’t be long until the damn things would be the least of his worries anyway.

Several ANBU members were waiting at the gates as Kakashi approached. There was a distinct lack of anyone from Team Ro. Gritting his teeth, Kakashi ignored them and continued the long walk to the hospital.

Most of Naruto’s wounds were already starting to close. That damn tailed beast was good for something at least. But he’d still been unconscious for well over an hour and, while Kakashi was somewhat grateful for it - it would make things easier. Naruto was harder to corral than Sakura -, it made Kakashi’s mind whirl with the possibility of head trauma. 

Sasuke had never been one to pull punches.

The thought sent a shiver down Kakashi’s spine.

I’m sorry.  

He wanted to hunt his genin down to say it in person. 

I’m sorry I failed you. I’m sorry I made you feel alone. I’m sorry I didn’t protect you.

The ANBU followed him but didn’t stop him. The show of respect was nice. They had their orders but they were still willing to give Kakashi the comfort of knowing his genin was safe. 

Medical staff weren’t the only ones waiting for Kakashi when he stepped through the doors. Sakura stood anxiously near the door, her hands clasped over her chest and her eyes watering with tears. It made Kakashi’s chest tighten.

She looked so much like Rin when she cried.

They were oh so different and yet so very much the same. 

Sakura had always been more hot tempered than Rin, more likely to defend herself. But her heart was so big, at least twice the size of her teammates’. Some might deem it a weakness, how much she cared, how much she was willing to show. But it took more strength than any of them would know. 

Rin looked at Kakashi like that once. It was the only solo mission he went on as a regular jonin. He’d been thirteen and desperate - not to defend the village, not to prove himself. To make amends. To die if he had to. Anything to heal the hurt in his chest and the agony in Rin’s eyes when he left. He’d come back soaked in his own blood, staggering and half out of it with severe head trauma. He didn’t remember it well, but he remembered Rin. Remembered her eyes swimming with tears, her hands clasped over her chest, and the desperation in her eyes as she steadied him, whispering his name. 

“Kakashi-sensei,” Sakura whispered as Kakashi carefully handed Naruto off to the med-nin. 

Her voice was thick with tears. 

He’d promised her it would be okay. That everything would turn out the way it was supposed to be.

Kakashi always had been a liar. 

Just like his father.

“I’ll be back in a month, Kashi. It's alright. Everything will be alright.”

I’m sorry , Kakashi should have told her. I’m sorry I failed. I’m sorry I couldn’t stop him. I’m sorry I lied to you.

“Everything is going to be alright,” he lied instead.

Lies were all Kakashi had left. The only thing he could cling to and hold up to shield his students from the world around them. 

Kakashi put a hand on her head. Minato used to do the same for him. Kakashi never would have admitted it but it had always helped. The grounding feel of his sensei, the man who cared about him, had kept him from thinking about what was ahead. Even if Obito had gotten Minato in trouble again, he was still there. The weight of his hand in Kakashi’s hair was real, his teacher was still there, still alive. The Chain hadn’t taken him too.

He could only hope it brought Sakura the same comfort. 

Even if it was a lie as well.

“Naruto’s going to be fine,” Kakashi told her. “And we’ll… I’ll … Everything is going to be alright, Sakura.” 

Sakura wiped at her eyes, her soft sobs hiccuping around them. Outside the hospital, one of the ANBU flared their chakra. Kakashi stroked his thumb over Sakura’s hair and let out a breath. She needed someone to stay with her, but he couldn’t.

“Some of the others are already here,” Kakashi told her. “I think Rock Lee and Neji arrived before we did.”

Sakura sniffled and nodded. “Shikamaru and Choji did too. They’re all okay. Just a little bruised, I think. And Lee needs to stay over for observations. Lady Tsunade’s upset he left before he was supposed to.” 

“I’m sure he’s gotten an earful,” Kakashi said, hoping he sounded amused.

Sakura let out a small huff of breath. He let himself believe it was a laugh, if only for his own brief moment of comfort. 

“You should go check on him,” he told her. “I’m sure he’ll need someone to lift his spirits. And I doubt that’s Neji’s strong suit.” 

This time, Kakashi was positive Sakura let out a little giggle. Some of the weight on his shoulders lessened. Breathing became easier. 

She would be okay. Sakura had always been a strong girl. She still had her parents. She still had friends. She still had Naruto. Sakura didn’t need him . She would be okay.

Naruto would too. Between Iruka and Jiraiya, he would have someone to make sure he was eating properly. He and Sakura had gotten much closer over the months they’d spent on a team and Kakashi knew the other genin had grown fond of him.

Both of his students would be okay.

And that was all that mattered.

“I’ll be back in a month, Kashi. It's alright. Everything will be alright.”

I’m sorry, Kakashi wanted to tell Sakura. The words burned his chest. I’m so sorry. You’ll be alright. This isn’t your fault.

“Go on,” he told her, giving her a soft shove toward the stairs. “Everything will be alright, Sakura.”

Goodbye.

Forgive me.

The ANBU didn’t speak when he walked out of the hospital, just fell around him. Kakashi fought to keep from shoving his hands in his pockets and slouching around with them. His father hadn’t slouched. Hadn’t regretted his choices. Sakumo Hatake had walked with his head held high because he knew what would be done to him but he didn’t regret caring for his team.

Kakashi didn’t regret protecting his genin. So he did the same.

He wasn’t led to the Hokage’s office. Instead, the ANBU team brought him to the Elders’ meeting room. Tsunade’s angry voice echoed down the hallway long before they reached the door. 

“-the best shinobi in the village!” Tsunade raged. “This would put us-”

“We can not set a precedent that consequences only apply to some,” Danzo’s annoyingly dismissive voice replied. “If we allow a pass for one, then the entire Chain becomes irrelevant.”

“Maybe it should be! The practice-”

“Was implemented by your grandfather, if I recall. The Leaf has always employed the Chain of Accountability. It is how we keep the village safe.”

“Our shinobi,” Tsunade growled, “are how we keep the Leaf safe.” 

“So their understanding and accountability is of the utmost importance.” 

The lead ANBU knocked on the door. Inside, the village leaders went silent. Kakashi could feel the anger wafting out of the room but he didn’t flinch back. His father never would have.

“I love you so much, Kashi. No matter what happens, never forget that.”

The soft words his father left him with that day were so different from the wild-eyed ramblings he’d seen the night before he found his father’s body. Kakashi remembered the day well. He’d stayed with Minato for the month of Sakumo’s punishment, at his father’s insistance. He hadn’t wanted Kakashi to be alone in the house for all thirty days. He hadn’t wanted Kakashi to be alone when he came back.

Deep down, Kakashi knew Sakumo had never come back. His father died the day he walked to Agony Hall for a Tier IV punishment. The body that returned thirty days later with wild eyes and nonsensical mutterings wasn’t Sakumo Hatake. 

Minato hadn’t let him stay at the house that night either. Sakumo’s body had come home and Minato had let Kakashi stay long enough to see that his father’s mind was gone. Then he’d dragged Kakashi back to his apartment, ignoring Kakashi’s demands to go back. To take care of his father. 

By the time he arrived the next morning, Sakumo truly was dead.

He could only hope Gai and the others wouldn’t allow Sakura and Naruto to suffer a similar fate. 

Kakashi had said his goodbye to Sakura, even if she didn’t know it. He hadn’t had the same luxury with Naruto, but at least he’d gotten to know the boy was alright. 

“Kakashi Hatake,” Danzo’s voice boomed.

Kakashi blinked himself back into awareness. The Council sat before him, their faces drawn in frowns - though there was the barest tint of smugness in Danzo’s eye. Tsunade stood in the corner, her jaw trembling and fingers tinging red as her nails cut into her palm. 

“Genin desertion is a Tier IV offense. Sasuke Uchiha has left the village without an official mission and refused to return with the retrieval team. The Elders have decided -”

“ Against ,” Tsunade growled, “the wishes of the Hokage.”

She was ignored. “That a punishment must be issued. Desertion is not a crime that can be taken lightly. For failing to guide your genin, you have been issued the Tier IV punishment of sensory deprivation at the maximum allotted time of twelve days.”

Kakashi kept his breathing controlled as he watched them. He could do it. Kakashi could keep himself together for twelve days. He had to. For his students. He couldn’t let the weight of guilt bury them the way it had buried him. 

And if he couldn't - if he couldn’t keep his sanity -, he would follow his father. The way he was always meant to. 

“Upon your release, you will be required a fully monitored ANBU escort for six weeks. However, the Elders have elected to allow you to keep your jonin status.”

Kakashi nodded his understanding. “Thank you, Lord Danzo.” 

The words bit against his tongue, bitter and sharp. 

Danzo smirked. “Your punishment will begin immediately. You are dismissed.”

Naruto hurt.

The stench of cleaning supplies stung his nose. A dull pain drummed under his skin as he peeled his eyes open to look around the brightly lit hospital room. The bright pink of Sakura’s hair greeted him, her head tilted down to look at the book spread across her lap.

He should have been over the moon to see her there but there was something deep in his stomach that told him he needed to be sad. That he’d lost something. 

“Sasuke!” 

His friend’s name flew out of his mouth as he shot up in the bed. His heart slammed into his chest, eyes wide as he turned to look at Sakura. Where was he? Where was Sasuke? 

Naruto was supposed to bring him home. He promised to bring Sasuke home. 

Sakura’s green eyes watered, her heartache written across her face. 

They lost him. The fragile hope filling his chest deflated like a popped balloon and he dropped his head. His fingers dug into the blanket pooling around his lap.

“Naruto,” Sakura whispered.

He didn’t lift his head to look at her. He couldn’t. He promised her that he’d bring Sasuke back to her. That he wouldn’t fail their team. That Sasuke wouldn’t be stolen away in the night and lost. 

Why was Naruto still so weak?

What was the point of training with Pervy Sage if he wasn’t going to be able to protect the people he loved? 

“What about,” Naruto swallowed hard, thinking about the others - Shikamaru, Neji, Choji, Kiba. Lee . None of them should have been there, fighting those guys. Naruto should have been able to stop Sasuke before it got that far, “everyone else? Are they?”

His voice broke. The thought of them being hurt, killed , because Naruto wasn’t strong enough was like a kunai to the chest.

“They’re all alright,” Sakura assured him quickly. “Even Lee. He’s in trouble with Lady Tsunade, but he’s alright. I think Gai-sensei-”

The door to Naruto’s room flew open. Asuma and Kurenai stood, their faces pale as their wide eyes searched the room desperately. Icy fear filled Naruto’s veins as Sakura jumped to her feet and spun to look at them. 

Kurenai’s lips wobbled, her hand fisting in Asuma’s sleeve. “No,” she whispered, her voice trembling.

“Kurenai-sensei?” Sakura asked. “What’s wrong?”

Asuma’s jaw clenched. “Sakura, where’s Kakashi?”

“Kakashi-sensei? I’m not sure. He dropped Naruto off and then-” Sakura gasped suddenly and then hit her knees.

Naruto scrambled out of bed, rushing to her side. From the doorway, Asuma swore.

“Sakura, are you okay?”

Sakura burst into tears, burying her face in her hands. 

“Hey,” Naruto said, putting a hand on her back. “What is it? Are you hurt?”

“Naruto,” Sakura whimpered. “Sasuke defected.”

The words made his chest hurt. He knew. Of course he knew that. But it was fine. Naruto was going to train and then he was going to beat the hell out of Sasuke until he came back to the Leaf.

“I know,” Naruto whispered. “But, don’t worry, Sakura. I’ll get him back. Just like I promised.”

Sakura shook her head, pink hair fanning around her. “No, Naruto. Sasuke defected . That’s - that’s-”

She burst into sobs again. Kurenai’s shoes tapped against the floor gently as she knelt on Sakura’s other side, pulling her into a tight hug. Tears flowed down Kurenai’s cheeks as well. Naruto felt like he was missing something. Kurenai cared about Team 7, but he knew she’d never been close with them. Especially not Sasuke. 

“Naruto,” Sakura hiccuped. “Ka-Kaka-Kakashi-sensei.” 

He wasn’t there. Did she want him to find Kakashi? He could probably do that, unless Kakashi had gone after Sasuke himself. He’d always been really protective of them. 

The thought unlocked something cold in Naruto’s chest. Cold and terrifying and -

“No,” he whispered. “No, no! They can’t - They can’t blame Kakashi-sensei for-!”

Asuma wouldn’t meet his eyes. 

No. Naruto wouldn’t let this happen. Couldn’t let it happen. 

He’d promised himself he’d never let Kakashi bleed for his mistakes again. 

“Naruto!” Asuma’s shout echoed after him as he spun and leapt out the open window. 

Naruto ignored him, ignored Sakura’s horrible, shuddering sobs, and leapt toward the next rooftop. Granny Tsunade would listen to him. She had to listen to him. It wasn’t Kakashi’s fault. He hadn’t even been in the village. 

His feet slammed against rooftops as he went. 

He would make her listen. 

“Hey!” someone shouted as Naruto landed on the street and shoved his way toward Hokage Tower. 

“Isn’t that Hatake’s genin?”

“I thought Lord Third had handled that before he passed.”

Naruto ignored them, throwing open the door to the Hokage’s tower. Heads turned in his direction as he raced to Granny’s door. It shuddered as he shoved it open, knocking against the wall and leaving a whole. 

Granny Tsunade looked up from her desk. It was empty except for the bottle of sake sitting in front of her. 

“You can’t-!”

A hand slapped over Naruto’s mouth and he was yanked into a large chest. “Do not ,” Gai growled sharply, “speak.” 

But he had to! Kakashi said he wanted genin that would speak up and protect those who needed it. Right now, Kakashi needed it. Naruto couldn't let them do this. He wouldn't.

Granny Tsunade sighed and took a long gulp from her bottle of alcohol. “Anyone who isn't a member of Team Ro is dismissed,” she said. 

Naruto grit his teeth, trying to shove Gai away as Tsunade moved to the wall and pressed into a seal. Her eyes were sharp as she looked back at them, glancing from Naruto to Gai and then back again. 

“Let him go,” she said firmly, making her way back to her desk and picking up her bottle. 

“Lady Fifth.” Gai's body stiffened, his hand still clamped over Naruto's mouth. 

“No Hokage's power is absolute,” Granny Tsunade said, her fingernails tapping against the neck of her sake bottle. “The Elders have the power to overrule me, particularly when they feel I may be bias in the face of a decision. I could scream until I was blue in the face - hell, I did. I don't have a say in what happens to Kakashi.”

No Hokage’s power is absolute.

The words were like a chidori to the chest. The Hokage was supposed to be the strongest shinobi into the village. The most powerful. They were supposed to be able to protect the people they cared about. 

But Granny Tsunade couldn't.

Naruto's eyes burned as he stared up at her. 

“I've hated the Chain since it was instated,” she said, her voice angry. “But it isn't something I can get rid of in a week. There is nothing I can do about it now. All I can do is help when he's out.”

“But he didn't do anything wrong!” Naruto wrestled Gai's hand away, glaring at Granny Tsunade. “He taught us real good! He told us that we could never betray the Leaf or our comrades! Sasuke's the one who-”

“Naruto,” Gai said sharply. “Tier. III.”

Naruto's jaw clicked shut. Tier III. Yelling at the Hokage was a Tier III offense. He was going to get Kakashi into even more trouble. 

Granny Tsunade rolled her eyes and waved a dismissive hand. “There's a privacy seal up. The only ones hearing this are us. Not even Team Ro can hear us.” Her eyes move to Naruto. “Say what you need to say, brat. Yell. Scream. Anything you need. Because the second you leave this office, anything you or your teammate say or do can make things worse for Kakashi. The Elders aren't looking to punish you or Kakashi or Sasuke. They want to make a point.”

“Are you listening to me?”

Kakashi ignored the voice, tapping his fingers against his arm. The grounding rhythm wasn't doing as much as it had been… yesterday? Or was it only a few hours ago? The dark made it difficult to tell. 

He learned to hate the dark. Kakashi used to like it. He'd thrived in shadows and darkness, learned to use the absence of light to his advantage. It had been a friend once. 

Now it was a monster. 

He could hear the voices from within it. Could hear the scurrying of footsteps. 

The logical part of his brain - the boy genius that had clung to rules like a shield - knew that he was alone in the room. In the few seconds of light he'd had when the enforcers brought him in, he knew the room was relatively small and empty. But the fumbling, nervous part of his brain - the man who was his father's son - knew he heard it. 

Footsteps scurrying. 

Voices of the dead whispering. 

Focus on the tapping, the pattern, and regulate his breathing. Kakashi was a member of ANBU for fuck's sake. He knew how the strategies for surviving torture. 

One tap. Two taps. Three taps. Four taps. Five taps. Six taps.

Pause. Breathe in. 

One tap. Two taps. Three taps. Four taps. Five taps. Six taps.

Pause. Breathe out.

“Kakashi!” Minato-sensei's voice was sharp in that disappointed way he only used when Kakashi said disparaging things about Obito. “Are you listening?”

One tap. Two taps. Three taps. Four taps. Five taps. Six taps.

Pause. Breathe in. 

One tap. Two taps. Three taps. Four taps. Five taps. Six taps.

Pause. Breathe out.

Minato-sensei kept talking, rambling about things Kakashi didn't hold onto. Couldn't hold onto. 

He needed to hold onto the taps and the pattern. 

One tap. Two taps. Three taps. Four taps. Five taps. Six taps.

Pause. Breathe in. 

One tap. Two taps. Three taps. Four taps. Five taps. Six taps.

Pause. Breathe out.

“Kakashi!”

One tap. Two taps. Three taps. Four taps. Five taps. Six taps.

Pause. Breathe in. 

One tap. Two taps. Three taps. Four taps. Five taps. Six taps.

Pause. Breathe out.

“Kakashi!”

One tap. Two taps. Three taps. Four taps. Five taps. Six taps.

Pause. Breathe in. 

One tap. Two taps. Three taps. Four taps. Five taps. Six taps.

Pause. Breathe out.

“Kakashi!”

“Stop.” The words spilled out against his will. “You're not real.”

Minato-sensei was dead. He had been for twelve years. 

Twelve. 

Huh.

That number was important. 

There was something else he needed to measure in the quantity of twelve. 

What was it again?

One tap. Two taps. Three taps. Four taps. Five taps. Six taps.

Pause. Breathe in. 

One tap. Two taps. Three taps. Four taps. Five taps. Six taps.

Pause. Breathe out.

“Kakashi,” Minato-sensei growled. “If you don't listen to me, I can't help you.”

“You can't help me,” Kakashi said - to himself because Minato-sensei wasn't there. He was dead. 

“I want to.” Minato-sensei's voice softened.

Kakashi shivered, his fingers stumbling out of the pattern. Damn it. He needed that pattern. Needed the rhythm to ground. 

But that voice was so real . 

Sad and gentle in the way Minato-sensei had always been for him. Even when he hated it. Minato-sensei always stayed gentle and kind with him. Even after Obito. Even after Rin . 

Minato-sensei had always wanted to be kind to him. He'd always wanted to help. 

Shit. What was that rhythm again? 

He needed it. 

“Kakashi,” Minato-sensei soothed. “Hey, let me help. Please , let me help.” Minato-sensei's voice wavered. “God, Kashi, I never wanted this for you.”

Kakashi shrugged, his fingers tapping against his arm, searching for the rhythm. “Is what it is. They're safe.”

One, two taps. One, two taps. 

Breathe In. 

No, that wasn't right. 

Wrong rhythm. 

“One tap. Two tap. Three tap,” a new voice said. “Four tap. Five tap. Six tap. Pause. Breathe in.”

Kakashi's spine snapped straight. A calloused finger ghosted across his skin, tapping the familiar pattern for him. 

“One tap. Two tap. Three tap. Four tap. Five tap. Six tap. Pause. Breathe out,” Sakumo whispered.

“Don't do that,” Minato-sensei scowled. “I need to tell him how to get out.”

“Go away,” Kakashi's father ordered coolly. “One tap. Two tap. Three tap.”

“Kakashi,” Minato-sensei said. “Don't listen to him. He left you once. He'll do it again. You can't trust him!”

“You're much stronger than me,” Sakumo whispered and Kakashi could have sworn he felt breath brush across his skin. “You always have been, Kashi. Just keep tapping. You know what to do.” 

He did. Kakashi had studied what to do endlessly if he was ever trapped alone in the dark and silence. After he'd lost Sakumo, he swore to himself he would know what to do next time. 

“Don't you want to leave, Kakashi?” Minato-sensei asked. 

Kakashi's fingers stumbled again. 

Out?

Out of the dark?

Out of the quiet?

“It isn't real,” Sakumo told him. “Keep tapping, Kashi. One tap. Two tap. Three tap.”

“It's easy, Kakashi, I swear!” Minato-sensei sounded like he was smiling. “Just count to twenty.”

It was too easy. 

“You're not real,” Kakashi breathed, his fingers searching for the rhythm again. “Neither of you are real.”

“Keep tapping,” his father whispered. “Everything will be alright, Kashi.”

Timeline:

6 hrs → anxiety, flashes of light, possibly “hearing things”→ mostly harmless

12 hrs → auditory hallucinations, vertigo

24 hrs → difficulties telling hallucinations & dreams from reality

5+ days → severe dissociation

7+ days → PERMANENT NEUTOLOGICAL DAMAGE

Possible Medical Issues:

Physical :

Muscle loss

Malnutrition 

Self-inflicted injuries 

Sensitivity to light

** PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS MORE LIKELY IF CHAKRA SUPPRESSION IS USED

Emergence/Psychological:

Extreme paranoia

Overreaction to light/noise/touch

Panic attacks during darkness/silence

Hallucinations 

Inability to distinguish reality from hallucinations 

Depression

Sakura cursed herself as her shaking hand smudged some of her notes. The hospital library was quiet, the setting sun meant the should technically be closed but Lady Tsunade had given her permission to be in whenever she wanted. Sakura had no intention of missing any opportunity.

Every book she could find that so much as mentioned sensory deprivation filled her table, all of them open as she desperately double checked every piece of information she found. 

She couldn't mess it up. 

Not when this was all her fault to begin with. How pathetic had she been? Crying and begging Naruto to find Sasuke. Crying and begging Kakashi to fix it all. 

Sakura was supposed to be a shinobi. 

She should be able to fix things on her own. 

It was too late for Sasuke. He was gone. He'd left them all…

Knowing what would happen. 

Sakura's fingers curled around her pen until it snapped. 

“Shit,” she whispered, tossing it into the garbage bin with the others.

Sakura tried to shove Sasuke out of her mind as she grabbed her bag and searched for another pen. He had left, he'd made his choice. Even though he knew the cost. It wouldn't hurt him, wouldn't hurt Sakura or Naruto or even the Leaf. 

Only Kakashi. 

They'd promised to be good. To protect their sensei. 

Sasuke had spent weeks helping her wrangle Naruto, making sure that they all behaved and didn't break any rules. They'd all gotten much closer, especially after the night they'd spent at Kakashi’s apartment with Team 8. 

She thought they were doing better. 

That they were a team.

There wasn't another pen waiting at the bottom of her bag. All fourteen of them were sitting in the garbage pail, snapped in half. 

Sakura’s breath shuddered. 

She was out of pens. 

But there was no reason to be upset. She could just get more. All she had to do was walk to the store and buy more. 

There was no reason to cry. 

Why was she crying?

Sakura dropped her bag and buried her head in her hands. Her chest burned. Her cheeks and hands were wet with tears. 

Stop it , she told herself. Stop crying! 

Crying hadn't stopped Sasuke.

Crying couldn't help Kakashi. 

Each breath shuddered violently as she forced it in and out. She scrubbed her cheeks desperately, glancing down at the pages and pages of notes. 

Would those notes help Kakashi?

Was she doing any good or just wasting time again?

“Shizune said you were still here.” 

Sakura nearly leapt out of her skin. Lady Hokage leaned against the door, her blonde hair slightly mused and a bottle dangling from her fingertips. 

“Lady Tsunade.” Sakura scrambled to her feet quickly but Tsunade waved at her dismissively. 

“Don't look so nervous,” Tsunade said, making her way over to drop into the chair across from Sakura. “Interesting reading material.”

Flushing, Sakura lowered herself back into her chair. “I- I just want to… be prepared.”

If she could prepare herself, she'd have time to prepare Naruto - arguably the more difficult task. Kakashi had been so untouchable for so long that she knew seeing him weak would be hard and frustrating. Seeing him limp around his apartment after the lashes had been hard enough for Naruto. And back then, Sasuke had been around to wrestle him out of the house before he could yell. 

“So the brat was right,” Tsunade said, pulling Sakura's notes toward her. 

Sakura shook Sasuke from her head. “I'm sorry?”

Snorting, Tsunade waved toward the books. “Hatake said you were a smart little thing. Determined too.”

Something warm fluttered in Sakura's chest. “He did?”

Tsunade hummed boredly. “You've got sixteen books out.”

“Oh, yes, Milady. I -um- well, I wanted to make sure the information I found was accurate.”

“Smart and determined indeed,” Lady Tsunade tapped her fingers on the notebook thoughtfully. “Your sensei told me you'd shown interest in medical ninjutsu.”

“Yes, Milady.”

“And that you had the best chakra control he'd ever seen in a genin.”

The warmth grew into a raging wildfire. “He - Kakashi-sensei said that?” 

Something in Tsunade's eyes softened. “He's very proud of you. I've known Kakashi since he was a kid and he never talked as much as he did about you three.”

For a moment, Sakura floated. Kakashi was proud of her. He'd bragged about her . 

A cold sensation filled her and she crashed back into reality. “And we…”

She bit her lip, unable to whisper the words out loud. They'd gotten him tortured.

“No,” Tsunade said, somewhere between angry and annoyed. “The Chain did that. Tell me, Sakura, who are you training with for your medical ninjutsu?”

“Um? Oh, no one yet, Milady. I've only been studying for a few weeks now. I hadn't even told Kakashi-sensei I was interested in-”

“Well, that settles it then.” Tsunade stood. “Be to my office first thing. Unlike your sensei, I don't enjoy tardiness.”

“Your office? Are you - Do you know someone who might be willing to train me, Milady?”

“Only if you're tough enough to learn.”

Tough enough. 

Sakura could do that. 

No, she would do that. 

“Of course, Milady!”

Tsunade's lips quirked in the beginning of a smirk. She reached into her coat pocket. “First lesson,” she said, tossing Sakura a pen. “Always have a backup for your backup.”

"No, no, no! Please stop!"

Burned.

His ears burned but he could still hear.

"Kakashi."

"No! Please, Sensei, please!"

Sleep.

He wanted sleep.

Wanted it to be quiet.

Or loud.

Or bright.

Or warm.

Or ...

Or ...

Something!

Temples. Blows to the temples could knock him out.

"Kakashi, don't do that! Please let me help!"

"Not real! Please."

His chest burned as he tried to breathe.

"Kashi," Sakumo whispered. "Listen to me. One tap. Two tap."

"Your taps aren't doing shit. Kakashi, I can get you out. You just have to count. Just count to twenty."

"Six tap. Pause. Breathe in."

Tapping hurt his fingers now.

The attempts to claw his way away from the monsters in the corner hadn't worked. It had only left him with bloody fingers. And the monster was still there. He could hear it growling from time to time.

"Kashi, listen to me," Sakumo said again. "You have to tap. You're strong, Kashi. Everything will be alright."

"That's what he said last time," Minato-sensei sounded sharp, protective. "Kakashi, let me help you. I've never let you down, right?"

...Right.

That was right. Minato-sensei always stayed with him. Always kept him safe.

Even when Sakumo left, he had Minato.

"Kashi," Sakumo whispered. His voice was weak, trembling.

The way it had been when...

"Where's my son?" The scream from his father rang in his ears.

It hurt.

Burned.

Kakashi pressed himself into the floor, clamping his hands over his ears.

"Who are you? Where's my son?"

"Dad," Kakashi whimpered, squeezing his eyes closed. "It's me. Please. Please."

"Don't!" Minato-sensei shouted.

Kakashi could picture his sensei standing between them. Like he had that night. The night Sakumo tried to...

"Kashi!" Sakumo howled.

"It's alright, Kakashi," Minato-sensei soothed. "Count to twenty. If you reach twenty this can all be over."

Twenty.

Kakashi could do that.

Twenty was easy.

"One, two, three, four, five, six."

"That's too fast," Minato-sensei said softly. Kakashi could sense him hovering above, just out of sight. "You'll hyperventilate, Kakashi. Go slow. One. Two."

"One. Two. Three. Four."

Kakashi fought to match Minato-sensei's even, steady pace. The cold ground pressed into his shoulder but he could be warm soon. He just had to reach twenty.

"Nine. Ten. Eleven. Twelve."

Minato-sensei said he just had to reach twenty. And Minato-sensei never lied to him.

"That's good, Kakashi. Good. Sit up."

"Thirteen. Fourteen. Fifteen. Sixteen."

Minato-sensei's warm hands guided him up. Kakashi opened his eyes, searching for the warmth of his sensei's eyes.

"Seventeen."

A pale blue flickered in the corner of his eye. Kakashi glanced toward it, watching it grow brighter.

"Eighteen."

There was someone standing there. The blue lit up her pale skin and sad brown eyes. The red staining her mouth and her chest.

"N-nin-nineteen."

"KAKASHI!" Rin screamed his name, her voice full of betrayal and rage that stabbed his head.

Kakashi let out a cry and clapped his hands over his ears, squeezing his eyes closed. 

"No," he whimpered. "No, Rin. Rin. Please."

"It's okay," Minato-sensei whispered. "You're okay, Kakashi. We just have to start again. Ready?"

At eighteen, Obito started shouting at him.

Start again.

At fourteen, Itatchi asked why Kakashi hadn't bothered to guide him better.

Start again.

At twelve, Rin bled again.

Start again.

At twelve, Obito started yelling.

Start again.

At twelve, Sasuke laughed at him.

Start again.

At twelve, Naruto and Sakura asked him why he couldn't have been better for them.

Start again.

At twelve, Gai died.

Start again.

At twelve...

At twelve...

At twelve...

What came next?

Mianto-sensei sighed in disappointment. "Kakashi, try again. You just have to reach twenty."

"Sorry." Kakashi's voice scratched against his throat.

"If you can't do it this time, I have to leave. I can't stay here if you aren't even going to try."

"Sorry. 'M sorry. One, two, three, fourfive."

"Wrong!" Minato-sensei snapped. "Too fast. Start again."

"One. Tw-two. Th-three. Four. F-f-five. Six. S-seven. Eight. Nin-ne. Ten. El-eleven. Twelve. Twe-twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve!"

At twelve, Minato-sensei left.

At twelve, Kakashi screamed.

Gai tried not to look at Lady Tsunade as she approached. He knew it wasn’t her fault, that this was ultimately Lord First and the Elder's fault. But something dangerous bubbled in his stomach. Had she even tried? Minato-sama used to. Gai could still remember the fire in Minato’s blue eyes the day of Kakashi’s first punishment, the growls under his breath as he promised it would end. 

The Chain of Accountability would be torn apart, piece by piece.

Gai believed in Minato-sama. But he didn’t see enough fire in Tsunade’s eyes to believe in her. 

Even in the office, when she'd allowed Naruto to scream about the injustice, there hadn't been a fire in her eyes. Just numb defeat. 

In the twelve days he'd spent in the hallway - leaving only for a few hours to relieve himself and check on Naruto and Sakura -, Gai hadn't once seen her stop by. Not that there was much she could do. He certainly hadn’t done any good sitting on the floor outside Agony Hall. But, it was the principle of the matter, as he kept reminding Asuma. 

The ANBU enforcer nodded respectfully to Lady Tsunade as she stopped in front of them, arms crossed over her chest. “Open the doors. It’s been twelve days.”

“There is one hour left, Lady Tsunade,” the ANBU said hesitantly.

“Are you disobeying your Hokage?” 

“Of course not, My Lady.” 

The lock clicked and Gai scrambled to his feet as the ANBU pulled open the thick metal door. Light spilled into the empty, gray room. 

A scream ripped through the air, hoarse and terrified. Gai shot forward, cutting Tsunade off and shoving the ANBU enforcer out of the way. His heart slammed into his throat as he stumbled into the room and horror froze him just inside.

Kakashi was curled in the middle of the room, head pressed into the cold floor and his arms tucked around his head. Red stained his fingertips and the walls, bloody gouges from where he’d tried to claw his way out. 

Letting out a shuddering breath, Gai stepped into the room carefully. “Rival?” 

“No!” Kakashi gasped, arms tightening around his head. “No, no, no. I tried. Please, I did. I tried. One. Two. Three. F-f-fou-five. No! No!” The two protests were punctuated with Kakashi striking his own temples sharply. “Start over. One. Two. Three. Four. F-five.”

“Kakashi,” Gai’s voice broke as he fell to his knees beside his rival, his chest cracking, and placed a hand on Kakashi’s back.

Another sharp, hoarse scream. “No! No !” Kakashi cried. His ruined fingers moved to his ears, scratching desperately. “S-start again. Start again. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven.” 

Nausea turned in Gai's stomach. He knew it would be bad. He knew Kakashi would struggle. He'd read every book he could find, gone through every scenario he could imagine. 

This was worse than he ever could have dreamed.

“It’s alright, my rival, I’m here. You’re safe.”

“Eight. Nine. Ten. Eleven. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve ! No, no no! ” Kakashi’s entire body trembled. “Please, please give it back, Obito. I can do it! I can! Twenty. I can. Twenty.”

Footsteps clicked against the floor and Kakashi flinched away from the noise, away from Gai, his eyes squeezed closed as he crawled away, muttering numbers.

His torn, ruined fingertips left smudges of blood like a horrible pattern.

“Kakashi,” Tsunade stepped in his way, forcing him to stop.

Kakashi whimpered, curling in on himself more. His hands fisted in his hair, red smudges staining the limp silver locks Gai loved. “Can. I can. Please, Sensei. Please . One. Two. Three. No, please stop. Please. I’m sorry. Let me. Just let me. One. Two. Three. Not real. Shh, they’re not real. Please.”

Tsunade lowered herself to the ground, her jaw set and looked up at Gai with pained eyes. “I’m going to sedate him. I may need your help.”

“Sedate?” Gai's tongue felt heavy. “Lady Hokage-”

“He's going to hurt himself.” 

“Four. Five. S-si-se-seven. No. No! Start again.” Not for the first time, the two nos were punctuated with more sharp strikes against his temple. “Don't please. Please. No, Dad. No! Me. ‘s me, Kashi. No! Please! One. Two. Three.”

“Jonin Maito,” Tsunade said sharply. 

Kakashi screamed at the tone. The terrified, animalistic cry struck Gai in the chest like a kunai. In all the years they'd known each other, he'd never once heard Kakashi scream. It was an awful sound that stole his breath as Kakashi curled on the ground, fingers twisted in his hair. 

“It's alright,” Gai whispered, reaching out for him . “Kakashi-”

His fingers barely brushed Kakashi's arm but his rival cried out again, trying to squirm away. 

“No! No! I didn't - I can! I can do it! Please.  Twenty and then out! Sensei? Please, come back. Please, don't let them. Please help .”

“You need to restrain him,” Tsunade said.

Gai's chest clenched as he looked up at her. She wasn't watching either of them, her sole focus on the vial and needle in her hands. 

“Can you do that or should I call Weasel-”

“They don't get to touch him.” 

Rage swirled in Gai’s chest at the thought of the ANBU enforcer stepping anywhere near Kakashi. As though the bastards hadn't done enough to him.

“Then restrain him.”

Gai's eyes fell down to the trembling, muttering mess on the floor. His chest ached, his hands suddenly feeling too big. It was a horrible feeling, Gai had never been afraid of hurting Kakashi before. 

“No!” Kakashi squirmed desperately as Gai took a gentle hold on his arm. He'd lost weight. Kakashi had always been small, but never this small. “No! Please. I can! Twenty! Twenty, I can! Onetwothreefive. Start again!”

Gai pulled his beloved rival to his chest, easily pinning Kakashi with one arm and offering one of Kakashi’s arms out to Tsunade. Kakashi smelled like sweat, blood, and other bodily fluids Gai didn't want to think about. He buried his nose in those greasy silver locks anyway. 

“It's alright, my love,” Gai promised. “I'm here, Kakashi. I've got you now.”

“Twelve. Twelve. Twelve! Twelvetwelvetwelvetwelve!” 

Kakashi's shredded, raw voice continued to scream numbers and nonsense as Tsunade slipped the needle into his skin. Gai kept his grip firm but not strong. Kakashi was so small right now, so fragile, Gai was afraid he might break Kakashi if he squeezed too hard. 

“C'n,” Kakashi slurred, slumping back against Gai's chest. “T'nty. C'n, Se'sei.” 

“Shh,” Gai whispered, resting his chin on Kakashi's head and gently rocking him from side to side. 

Not that Kakashi would ever admit it, but Gai knew the rocking had always soothed him. Even in his ANBU days, in the worst moments that had left a bloody Kakashi stumbling into Gai's apartment in the dead of nights, the best way to rid Kakashi of his tension was to rock him slowly. 

“You're alright, my love,” Gai promised. “Just close your eyes now.”

“One. T'o. T'ee.” 

Kakashi's head dropped only Gai's collarbone. The rapid flutter of Kakashi’s heart beat against Gai’s fingertips, like the shallow stuttering of a hummingbird about to fall from the sky. 

Gai forced down the raw sob clawing at his throat. Kakashi needed strength, not more panic.

“Lay him down,” Tsunade ordered before turning to snap at the two ANBU in the doorway. “You! Get Shizune. Tell her I want a full med team and a stretcher down here. Yesterday.”

Both of them hesitate. Gritting his teeth, Gai turned to glare at them but froze as Tsunade’s thick, killing intent filled the air.

“That was an order . If I see another mask down here when I turn back around, you'll be the ones in this fucking chamber.”

Both ANBU vanished before she'd finished the sentence. 

Gai shuddered as she turned back to him but allowed her to carefully untangle Kakashi from Gai’s chest. She laid Kakashi out with care Gai didn't know she had, leaving his head in Gai’s lap, and began her work immediately. 

One hand glowed green, resting over Kakashi’s chest, and the other ran across his skin. Her fingertips lingered on the sickly green and purple bruises on Kakashi's temples. Gai watched her jaw tighten as she checked the gouges around his eyes and ears and then slid her hand down to hold Kakashi's fingers up to the light. All ten were stained red, nails chipped and ruined. 

“Fuck,” she muttered, her fingers ghosting across Kakashi's pale - much paler than it was once - skin and then pinching the back of his hand. The skin slunk back into place slowly. “Dehydrated. Tachycardic. He's freezing.” Tsunade muttered frantically under her breath as she continued her assessment. “Where the hell is Shizune?”

Biting down on his bottom lip, Gai lowered his forehead to meet Kakashi's. Cold sweat coated Kakashi's pale forehead and his breath stuttered every few breaths. “It's going to be alright, Kakashi,” Gai promised. “I'm here. You're safe now.”

“What do you mean we can't see him?”

Sakura drove her elbow into Naruto's side and glared at him. His shouted echoed around them, bouncing off the hallway walls. The med-nin in front of the door frowned down at them, arms crossed over her chest.

“Uzumaki-san,” the med-nin hissed, her voice firm but quiet. “If you think standing in the hallway, yelling, is going to help anyone then you are sorely mistaken. Lady Hokage has been entirely clear. No one is allowed in at the moment.”

Naruto's teeth ground together audibly but Sakura snatched his arm before he could speak, tugging him to the wall. His blue eyes swam with tears - of heartbreak or anger, she wasn't sure - but he didn't argue. 

“We can wait,” she told him. 

“Waiting doesn't do anything,” Naruto hissed, already sliding down the wall. 

Sakura let out a deep breath, clutching her notebook tighter to her chest, and sat down beside him. “We should talk about how we should act when Lady Tsunade lets us in to see Kakashi-sensei.”

“I already know what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna tell him I'm sorry. And I'm gonna do better. And I never go back on-”

“No,” Sakura interrupted, keeping her voice firm. “You're not doing any of that, Naruto. Look, this isn't going to be - things might be different.”

Will be. Sakura should have said “will be” different. She'd gone over case study after case study, taken notes after notes, asking Lady Tsunade every question she could think of. All of them yielded the same answer. 

No matter how strong he was, this wasn't something Kakashi would be able to shake off and walk away from. 

“Whaddya mean? Look, Sakura, I know this punishment is supposed to be really bad-”

“Is. It is really bad.”

“-but it's Kakashi-sensei. He always bounces back. Just like last time!”

“This isn't like last time, Naruto. Last time was - last time was just lashes.”

Just. The words tasted bitter in her mouth. As though Kakashi being whipped over seventy times was “just” anything. Though, in comparison to this, it might be.

“Sakura-”

“No. Listen to me!” 

Her voice came a little louder, a little sharper than she intended. But she had to be. If she'd been a little louder, a little sharper, maybe the boys would have listened to her more they wouldn't have gotten Kakashi in nearly as much trouble. Maybe Sasuke wouldn't have left. 

“Do you remember the blacked out punishment we found?”

Naruto's brow furrowed and he nodded slowly. 

“It's blacked out because the jonin it was used on lost all sense of reality. He killed himself the day after they let him out.”

“What's that have to do with Kakashi-sensei?”

“This is the lesser version of that, Naruto. They locked him in a completely black room with nothing. There was no sound and no scent and he couldn't see anything. And they left him there for twelve days.”

“B-but, it's Kakashi-sensei.”

And the man who killed himself was his father. Sakura bit the words back. Naruto didn't need to know that. Sakura doubted she was supposed to know it. Lady Tsunade had given her access to the case files of several shinobi that had passed on. A way for her to explore medical records without worrying about breaking confidentiality. 

One of them had been labeled as RESTRICTED. Sakura knew she shouldn't have looked at it but Lady Tsunade had left the room when she'd started looking through the pile it had been hidden in. And if Sakura had learned anything over her past twelve days under Lady Tsunade, it was that her Hokage didn't do anything without reason. 

Sakumo Hatake.

The name was burned into her memory. His medical history was a nightmare. A man that had at one time been revered as a threat on par with the Sannin and had the medical file to prove it. The amount of times Sakumo Hatake should have died - collapsed lungs, severed arteries, head injury after head injury - shook her to her core. But nothing stuck with her the way his cause of death - “suicide following a Tier IV punishment: 30 days Blackout confinement/Full sensory isolation. [Redacted] believes punishment led to mental instability. Recommend removing punishment.” - and his next-of-kin - Kakashi Hatake. Genin. 5. - had. 

But Naruto didn't need to know that. 

If nothing else, this was a burden Sakura could bear alone. 

“You have to listen,” Sakura told him. “Because things are going to be different, Naruto. You could hurt him.”

Naruto's hands fisted in his lap. He hung his head, a few longer strands of blonde hair falling across his forehead. “It's all my fault,” he whispered bitterly. “If I'd just brought Sasuke back-”

“No.” Her hand reached out, fingers closing around his and she tried to ease the tension racking through his body. “You didn't do anything wrong. You tried. I'm the one who-”

“It wasn't your fault, Sakura. I'm the one who didn't-”

“No, it wasn't-”

“Stop.” Gai's voice was firm but quiet. 

Sakura's head snapped up. Team 3's sensei stepped out of the forbidden doorway, looking like he hadn't slept in weeks. A bruise blossomed on his cheek and there were several scratches on his cheek and hands. 

“Bushier Brow-sensei.” Naruto's voice trembled. 

“We've told you before,” Gai said gently, kneeling down, “blaming yourselves helps no one. The fault is in the system. Not in you.”

Sakura's eyes burned as she looked away, her fingers tightening around her notebook. 

“Is- you're out here now. So is-is Kakashi-sensei okay?” Naruto sounded small. 

No, Sakura knew. Gai's eyes were red rimmed and his face was paler than usual. He'd been crying. And not his usual, passionate cries that lasted mere seconds. 

“He's alive,” Gai whispered softly. “And he will be tomorrow too, when Lady Tsunade lets me back in.”

“When do we get to see him?” Naruto asked. “She's gotta let us see him. He's our sensei!”

“When it's safe,” Gai soothed softly. “Kakashi’s… a little confused right now, Naruto. When Lady Tsunade’s confident everyone will be safe, we’ll let you in to see him. But, for tonight, I'm going to make sure both of you get home safely.”

“I don't wanna go home.” 

“No,” Gai agreed. “But it isn't about what you want, Naruto. It's about what Kakashi needs . And right now, he needs you two to take care of yourselves.”

The next few days had a haunting routine. Sakura met Naruto at the hospital in the mornings. They sat against the wall across from the doorway and went over the notes Sakura had taken on trauma. Iruka-sensei showed up around noon to drag them both out of the hospital for lunch. Then Gai would bring them to the training field for a few hours before bringing them back to the hospital for a few hours. 

Gai was allowed into the room. He'd pat their heads gently and slip past the med-nin and the wards. They wouldn't see him again until the sunset, when he slipped out and brought them home. His eyes were always red and his smile dim.

On the fourth day, Lady Tsunade agreed to let them in. Sakura couldn’t tell if the tightening in her stomach was excitement or dread. She desperately wanted to see Kakashi, but Gai always looked so broken when he left the room. Sakura wasn’t sure if she was strong enough to handle what sat behind that door.

She met Naruto at Lady Tsunade’s office first thing that morning anyway. It was the first time she’d seen the Hokage in days. Even with the chakra Lady Tsunade tended to put in to looking young and perfect, Sakura could see how exhausted she looked. There was a furrow in her brow and her eyes were narrowed. Despite the early hour, there were several half full sake bottles sitting around her office. 

"There are ground rules," Lady Tsunade said, her gaze locked on Naruto. "And if you don't listen to them, you will not be allowed in again. It's that simple. Do I make myself clear?" 

"Yeah, of course, Granny Tsunade!" Naruto practically vibrated beside her, his hands balled into fists and his smile wide. "We're going to-"

"Sit down and be quiet." 

The smile fell from Naruto's face. Sakura swallowed hard, fighting the urge to hug herself. 

"You are not to go into that room and play hero," Lady Tsunade said. "You don't get to shout promises or cry on the floor or tell him you'll fix this. You can't. And it will only make things worse. When you go in, you go in quietly. If Gai tells you to leave, you leave. Do you understand?" 

Naruto continued to stare at Lady Tsunade, like she was a puzzle he didn't know what to do with.

"Yes, Lady Tsunade," Sakura said softly.

For the first time, Lady Tsunade glanced at her. The Hokage looked tired. The kind of exhausted Sakura had only ever seen when Kakashi was chakra exhausted.

"Kakashi is still very confused," Lady Tsuande told them. "His brain is still working to figure out what is real. He might speak to people that aren't there. He might call you by the wrong names. Rin and Obito are the two that come up the most. Don't correct him. Redirect but let him come back on his own." 

All of the energy had oozed from Naruto, seeping into the air as a nervous, suffocating guilt. Sakura tried not to breathe it in. Tried not to let it settle over her skin and consume her. Guilt wouldn't help their sensei.

"He's been very tactile with Gai. He might be with you as well. It's his way of assuring you're real." 

It made sense. It was impossible to touch a hallucination, so if he could touch them, then they were really there. The thought was strange though. Kakashi had always been okay with patting their heads or letting them grabbed his arm when they needed to redirect him, but Sakura wouldn't say he was tactile with anyone. 

"What," Naruto muttered, ducking his head and wringing his hands together, "does that mean?" 

"Tactile?" 

He nodded.

"Touch," Sakura answered, reaching out to take Naruto's hand. It was sweaty and warm. She could feel the creases where his nails had bit into his palm. "It means Kakashi-sensei likes touch right now. It's how he grounds himself."

"Why?" 

"Remember how we talked about what sensory deprivation could do?" She waited for him to nod before continuing. "Well, touch was the only sense that he had left. If he could touch it in the chamber, then he knew it was real."

"So if he touches us now?"

"He'll know we're real." 

"Okay."

Sakura gave him a weak smile and squeezed his hand. "Is there anything else we should be prepared for, Lady Tsuande?"

Yes, Sakura knew before she answered. There were probably a lot of things. But she needed to redirect Naruto. 

"Counting," Lady Tsunade laced her fingers together. "And self punishment."

"Self punishment?" Naruto squeaked.

"Hmm," Lady Tsunade agreed with a hum. "It seems Kakashi can't count past twelve at the moment. It makes him anxious. Once he gets stuck on the number, he may hit himself. Do not engage. Gai will take care of anything. Understood?"

Sakura nodded.

"Why can't he count?" Naruto whispered.

"Sensory deprivation does strange things to people's minds." There was almost a dismissiveness in Lady Tsunade's voice. If Sakura hadn't spent the past two weeks with the Hokage, she might not have seen it as the deflection it was. Trying to avoid thinking about what had happened to Kakashi under her watch. Trying not to blame herself. "The important thing is you let Gai handle it. Do not do anything . Do you understand, Naruto?"

Naruto's jaw clenched but he nodded.

"Good. Now, you should look out for a few tics. If he starts tapping a rhythm - against the bed, his chest, your sleeve, anything - like this," she tapped a soft pattern. One. Pause. Two. Pause. Three. "He's getting overwhelmed. Lower your voice, take a few steps back, and let him breathe. If he flinches and tries to hide his face, he's probably seen something. Just be quiet and let him breathe."

"Saw something?"

"I know Sakura's gone over the effects of sensory deprivation with you, Naruto. Visual and auditory hallucinations are a result of prolonged deprivation."

"But he's out."

"And his brain doesn't always know that." Lady Tsunade paused. "Do you understand the rules?" 

"Yes, Lady Tsunade," Sakura said quickly.

"Gai will be in the room with you. Listen to what he says. You have fifteen minutes."

"That's all?" Naruto asked.

"Likely it's all Kakashi can handle at the moment. This isn't about you , Naruto. It's not about whatever guilt you feel or how scared you are. You're going to need to push that aside for now. Fifteen minutes. And not a second more."  

The room bordered on dark. The curtains were drawn to allow the barest sliver of light in. It made it possible to see but Sakura's eyes still took a minute to adjust to the low lighting. For the most part, the room was set up like any other hospital room. There was a bed and a side table. A medical chart hung on the end of the bed. But there was a small mat in one of the corners, a soft looking blanket folded neatly beside it. Squinting, Sakura could see a few scratch marks in the paint. Ten marks all together, as though Kakashi had tried to claw the walls at one point. 

She swallowed the lump in her throat and stepped into the room, pulling Naruto along with her. He hadn't let go of her hand since they left Lady Tsunade's office and she hadn't had the heart to ask him to. Behind her, he was stiff and unnaturally silent. 

In the bed, Gai turned slightly to look over his shoulder at them. He lay beside Kakashi, both of them facing the opposite wall, with his arm around Kakashi's waist. Even from a distance, Sakura could see Kakashi's pale hand tapping against Gai's muscular forearm.

"Kakashi," Gai whispered. Kakashi flinched against the sound. "It's alright. You have visitors."

Silence. 

Something deep in Sakura's gut told her they should turn around and leave. If they left, then this could be a story. A fantasy. If she didn't see it, it couldn't be real.

Naruto moved first, taking a few slow steps forward. He kept a hold on Sakura's hand, pulling her along with her. "It-it's us. Naruto and Sakura."

Sakura didn't know Naruto's voice could be that quiet. Or that gentle. Gai smiled at them and tilted his head, silently gesturing them forward without removing his arm. Kakashi's fingers continued to tap against him. 

He still had on his mask, Sakura realized when they rounded the bed. The fact surprised her and didn't surprise her all at once. Kakashi had never been one to take his mask off - how many times had she and the boys tried to steal it? No, best not to think of that. The boys were gone. It was just Naruto now - but part of her forgot it existed at all. 

His Sharingan was covered by an eye patch. In the dim light, she could see his hitai-ate sitting on the table beside him. His lone grey eye flickered to them for a moment, searching them carefully. Warily. 

Sakura smiled softly at him. He stared back.

Naruto shifted uncomfortably but subtly when Kakashi's gaze moved to him. Their sensei's silver brow furrowed for a moment before he moved his hand away from Gai's arm and held it out in Sakura's direction. 

It trembled slightly. 

A horrible sight. Kakashi never trembled. He was always in control. 

Swallowing hard, Sakura inched forward slowly. Naruto kept a hold of her hand, moving along with her, and Gai didn't say anything, so Sakura allowed it.

Kakashi took great interest in the hand she offered in return. His calloused fingertips traced each finger and dug softly into her skin, as though he was looking for any sign of her hand not being corporeal. 

"Sakura," his voice was hoarse. It sounded like it hurt to say her name but Sakura thought it was the most beautiful sound in the world. 

She smiled at him and nodded. "It's me." 

His gaze slid to Naruto and Sakura pulled him forward and offered Kakashi the hand she had been holding. Naruto looked a little sick but didn't protest as Kakashi inspected his hand as well. 

"Naruto," Kakashi confirmed after a minute.

"Yeah." Naruto's voice trembled.

Kakashi stared at them both for a minute before his eyes went slightly glossy and his gaze drifted over Naruto's shoulder to the far corner. Naruto's lips parted, as though to say something, but Sakura squeezed his hand to stop him. Kakashi's head cocked to the side slightly as he stared at nothing, eyebrows furrowing again.

On the bed, Gai's arm squeezed his middle gently. "Kakashi," he said gently. "Naruto and Sakura are here. Don't you want to hear how their training is going? Sakura has been working with Lady Tsunade herself. And Naruto's taijutsu has come quite a ways in the past few weeks." 

Kakashi blinked slowly, head shifting just enough to glance at Gai before he shot a confused glance toward the corner and then looked back at Naruto and Sakura. "Hmm." 

"Tell us what you've been learning, Sakura," Gai encouraged gently.

"Right." Sakura swallowed the lump in her throat. 

She told them about Lady Tsunade inviting her to be a student and how excited she was. And, for the first time since she stepped into the room, there seemed to be life in Kakashi's eye. He listened without interruption, occasionally reaching out in silent request for her or Naruto's hand. 

They both allowed him to inspect their arms without protest. To Sakura's surprise, Naruto even managed to keep his enthusiasm to a manageable level when it was his turn to talk. And he didn't pause when Kakashi started inspecting his arm, tracing it with careful precision.

"And then Bushier Brow-sensei said-"

"Minato-sensei?" Kakashi's hoarse voice interrupted, his gaze locked on Naruto and his face scrunching in confusion.

His hand reached out but Gai caught his wrist gently before he could reach Naruto. Sakura's chest tightened as Kakashi flinched, drawing his shoulders up.

"That's Naruto," Gai corrected gently, shaking his head at Naruto.

Sakura read the meaning with ease. Don't let him touch you . If Kakashi thought Naruto was this "Minato-sensei" and then touched something solid, it could confuse him. Grabbing Naruto's hand, Sakura pulled him back a step.

Kakashi's eye tracked the movement, suddenly wide and wild. He glanced at Sakura and a full body flinch rocked his body.

"No," he muttered, voice suddenly bordering on frantic. "Rin. No."

"You're safe, Kakashi," Gai whispered, pulling Kakashi a little further into him. 

"Out," Kakashi wiggled in his hold. "No, out! Minato-sensei? Out? Out. Out. Out. One,two,three. No! Start again. One. Two. Three."

Naruto's hand tightened around Sakura's in a crushing grip. She pulled in a deep breath. It trembled as she released it, watching Gai for direction. He didn't glance at them, just rested his chin on Kakashi's head and watched.

"Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten. Eleven. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve . TWELVE!"

"Out," Gai told them without looking. 

Instead his hand went to Kakashi's wrist, catching their sensei's fist as it swung toward his own temples. Sakura turned toward the door, her heart pounding in her throat. She was yanked to a stop when Naruto didn't move. He stood, pale and staring as Kakashi chanted the word twelve over and over again.

"Naru-"

"Thirteen," Naruto said. 

He was ignored and Kakashi's voice trembled around his next twelve.

"Thirteen," Naruto repeated, louder this time.

Gai's sharp eyes shot toward them and his mouth opened but clicked shut when Kakashi's wriggling slowed to nothing. His wide, terrified gray eye stared at Naruto, chest heaving.

"Tw-twelve?" Kakashi muttered.

"Thirteen," Naruto said again. "That's the next number, Sensei. It's thirteen."

"Thi-Thir. No. Please, Obito. I want it. Thir-Thir-"

"Thirt-teen."

"Thir-Thirt."

"Thirteen."

"Thirt'n," Kakashi whispered. Then repeated it like a prayer. "Thirte'n. Thirteen. Thirteen. Thirteen ."

"Forteen." 

Sakura's beath caught at the wide eyed surprise on Gai's face as Kakashi stuttered through repeating the number. 

"No," Kakashi muttered after sixteen. "No, too slow. Start again. Want out. Start again."

"Okay," Naruto agreed easily, moving to the side of the bed. "We can start again." 

Sakura was hesitant to say things “got better”, but they didn’t get worse. And Kakashi seemed to get a little more aware everyday. At the very least, he stopped furrowing his brow at Naruto and whispering the name “Minato-sensei”. Despite her initial hesitation to let them in, Lady Tsunade had become rather insistent that Sakura and Naruto visit Kakashi every day, for at least an hour. 

Sakura would have personally preferred more time with Naruto and her sensei - she didn’t realize just how much she would miss Team 7’s training until it was out of her reach - but Gai assured her most of the time, Kakashi slept. The body always required healing, no matter how minor the physical injuries, and Lady Tsunade wanted to keep Kakashi on a mild sedative to help with his panic. So even when he was awake, he was groggy and a little out of it. Though, she wasn’t sure if that was from the drugs or his inability to always tell reality from hallucinations. 

A selfish, desperate part of her hoped that he’d be asleep when she walked in. Normally, Naruto was with her. Despite his bumbling idiocy, he somehow seemed to be exactly what Kakashi needed. Lady Tsuande’s rules - let Gai handle anytime he began to count, keep a quiet voice, don’t correct him when he used the wrong name, don’t talk to him when he hid his face - applied to everyone else, Sakura had seen nurses break them accidentally and trigger a panic attack so violent Gai had to pin Kakashi to his chest so Lady Tsunade could sedate him after her broke the nurse’s arm. But they didn’t apply to Naruto. 

If Kakashi called him by the wrong name - Minato-sensei, it was always “Minato-sensei” just like Sakura was always “Rin” -  Naruto would just grin brightly at him and say “nuh uh, Sensei. It’s me, Naruto”. If Kakashi hid his face, Naruto would sit next to him on the floor and way “it’s okay, Sensei. They’re not here. But we are. Naruto and Sakura, we’re right here. Wanna feel?”. 

Sakura hated how jealous it made her feel. She’d always known that Kakashi favored the boys. He’d cared about her, she knew but he trusted them more. Liked them more. Because he had always trusted them to take care of themselves. He never tried to save the boys the way he constantly saved her. But that had always felt more subtle. This - Naruto’s ability to bring Kakashi back to reality like he alone was Kakashi’s anchor - was so blatant, a slap in the face, that she couldn’t shrug it off or ignore it.

Even though she wanted to. 

Just like she wanted him to be asleep when she walked in. 

Gai was on a mission and Naruto was on a mission and the only one there was Sakura. Sakura, Kakashi’s least favorite student. Sakura, who Kakashi didn’t trust.

Sakura paused outside the door, her knuckles white around the medical textbook she’d brought with her. She loved her sensei. After everything he’d done for them, it was impossible not to. But she didn’t know if she could be alone with him like this. 

Even if she had to be.

She rapped her knuckles against the door, already knowing that he wouldn’t answer. He never did. 

“Kakashi-sensei, its Sakura. I’m going to come in.”

The room was steadily getting brighter, another sign that things were heading in the right direction. As the days wore on, Kakashi tolerated sound and light much better than he had.

Kakashi wasn’t in his bed. Sakura froze for a moment, her chest clenching. He was always in his bed. There was nowhere else for him to go. Had something happened? Did she come too late and he’d panicked and hurt himself? Had -

“Sakura?” Kakashi’s voice was hesitant and unsure but it led her straight to him.

He sat in the corner of his room, half hidden behind the bed, with his knees pulled to his chest. His eye was glazed, already struggling to see what was real. 

Sakura let out a breath and nodded. “I’m right here, Sensei.”

He flinched slightly, pulling his knees up to his chest. “Please.” 

Nothing followed the single word, but she knew what it meant. Please be real. Please don’t yell at me. Please don’t hate me. Please don’t lock me up again. Please don’t leave me all alone.

Carefully, she made her way over to sit beside him and offered her arm. Kakashi looked at it like it might explode for a minute before he raised a trembling hand. 

His fingers hovered above her wrist, twitching slightly. When he finally made contact, his breath hitched, like he hadn’t expected to touch her. Like she was supposed to vanish in a puff of smoke.

The rest of his world always did.

Kaskashi touched her arm the way he always treated her, his cold fingers feather light against her skin. He stopped at her hand, fingers resting against hers as he stared down with a blank gaze. Then he flinched away, gaze wandering up to the corner.

“Sorry,” he whispered.

“It’s okay, Sensei,” Sakura assured him.

His visible eye flickered to her, uncertain, before back to the corner across from them. He blinked heavily and she could see his mouth moving beneath his mask. Not for the first time, she wished she knew what he was seeing.

“Sakura?”

“Yes.”

“Are we-?” he shuddered and pulled his knees up to his chest without finishing the question.

“It’s just us, Sensei,” Sakura said softly. “Naruto and Gai-sensei should be by later. But right now, it’s just you and me.” 

Kakashi rested his chin on his knees and stared into the corner, his eyes just a little clearer. “I’m sorry. I’m - You shouldn’t. I’m sorry.” 

Shouldn’t what? 

Sakura didn’t dare ask. She crossed her legs instead, medical textbook resting on her thighs. Naruto would know what to say. He’d start babbling about something stupid and that sad look in Kakashi’s eye would fade and he would let out the smallest huff of breath. And they could all pretend that they weren’t in a hospital room. 

But Sakura wasn’t Naruto. 

Maybe that was why Kakashi liked him better. Because Sakura wasn’t as good with people. She’d thought she was, not that long ago - though it felt like forever ago. Sakura thought she was good with people, that she was popular and fun and people liked her. She thought she was worth sticking around for. 

Sasuke had proved her wrong. 

She thought that maybe, just maybe, if she loved him enough, she’d be able to fix him. That’s how it always went. Every stoy she’d ever read, every movie she’d ever watched. Anytime someone was sad and brooding they just needed someone to love them enough. And that’s what girl did . They could be strong fighters or weak housewives, but either way, they fixed the broken boy.

Sasuke was supposed to be her broken boy.

Sakura was supposed to fix him.

And she’d failed. She’d failed so spectacularly that everyone around her was paying the price. 

Kakashi flinched beside her again, pulling his legs a little closer, and Sakura heard his breathing hitch again. “Please,” he whispered. “Obito, please.” 

Obito. He said that name a lot. More than Rin or Minato-sensei. Most of the time, Kakashi really only talked to Rin or Minato-sensei when he mistook her or Naruto for them. But Obito, whoever Obito was, Kakashi talked to him a lot. 

Begged him a lot. 

It was an ugly word, one that didn’t belong to her sensei. Kakashi had always been calm, cool, and collected. 

Now he was small, skittish, nervous. 

Now he begged.

Sakura’s hand moved before her brain. Lady Tsunade said they were only supposed to touch him if he initiated - unless it was Naruto - but every instinct in Sakura’s body screamed for her to comfort him. To let him know that Obito wasn’t real but she was. 

His hand was cold as her fingers clasped it and he jumped, his head snapping to her and his eye wide. 

They sat and stared at each other for a long moment before the tension leaked out of Kakashi’s body and he leaned toward her, fingers wrapping around hers to hold her hand tightly.

“Lady Tsunade said we’re going to start working on taijutsu,” Sakura told him, her throat dry. “And that I can start working on fish.” 

“Fish?” Kakashi rasped out. “Already?” 

“Yes. I - she said my chakra control was as good as you said.” Sakura’s cheeks felt warm. “And that she thought I was ready to advance. Ino’s furious though.” 

Kakashi hummed and shifted until he was leaning into her side, head pillowed on her shoulder. 

“Me? Are you sure?” 

Lady Tsunade raised an unimpressed eyebrow at the question, her arms crossing over her chest. “Are you questioning my judgment, Sakura?”

“Of course not, Milady!” Sakura felt an anxious blush spread through her cheeks and her fingers moved to play with the edge of her hatai-ate. “I just assumed, wouldn’t Naruto be a better choice? Or Gai-sensei?”

Lady Tsunade sighed. “I can’t continue to bench one of my best jonin,” she said impatiently. “I’m already down one. And if you think I’d trust Naruto unsupervised, you’re clearly sleep deprived.”

Something swirled in Sakura’s chest. Not angry but defensive. “He does a good job,” she argued. “And Kakashi-sensei always responds really well to him.”

“He does,” Lady Tsunade agreed. “In an enclosed, controlled environment with limited external stimuli and a team of people on standby if needed. But, the second you step out the door response time goes from seconds to minutes. We both know that. And Naruto might be able to push Kakashi safely in a controlled environment but outside is not controlled. I need someone I can trust to know the difference between a panic attack and a delusion.”

“Then shouldn’t you send Shizune. Or another med-nin. They’d know what to do.” 

“Not as well as you do.”

Sakura bit her lip as her Hokage leaned forward.

“Sakura, I think you know more about sensory deprivation than I do. The notes you have are extensive. And you have more patience than med-nins twice your age. I’ve seen you sit in the same spot for forty-five minutes without so much as twitching while you wait for him to recenter himself. You are the safest option to take Kakashi.”

Selfishly, Sakura didn’t want to be. Even if everything Lady Tsunade said sounded correct on paper, the idea was absolutely terrifying. It had already been Sakura’s responsibility to fix one broken person and she’d never failed anything so hard in her life. 

“What if I do something wrong?” 

The idea was terrifying. Her sensei was fragile now. Even if he’d gotten much better over the last six weeks. Sakura hadn’t heard Obito’s name in weeks - the name of Kakashi’s dead teammate, she’d discovered. Like with Sakumo Hatake, it hadn’t taken more than a little digging to find. Obito Uchiha, a genin that had died during the Third Great Shinobi War. A genin that had passed his eye on to his teammate, Kakashi Hatake, with the help of their team medic, Rin Nohara. - and Kakashi was fully aware of where he was and who was in the room with him, most of the time. They could turn the lights on full brightness and he’d finally stopped needing to touch her and Naruto to know they were real.

What if she did something wrong and ruined all of that?

“Then you’ll know what you did wrong and you’ll be able to tell me what it was. Sakura, Kakashi was the one who wanted me to train you. For a reason. He trusts you. So do I. You’ve never let either of us down.”

“Except when I failed to stop Sasuke.” The words slipped out in a bitter whisper. 

His name tasted fowl in her mouth, in ways she never expected it to. She hadn’t spoken it in weeks. It was a sharp trigger for Kakashi and though his reaction had gotten tamer - he no longer curled in on himself and began an endless loop of counting and apologizes -, he still flinched at the name. Sakura had grown to hate the name as much as she hated his reaction to it. 

“Sakura,” Lady Tsunade laced her fingers together under her chin and leaned forward to look up at Sakura,  “there are going to be a lot of people that come and go from your life. You need to learn to tell the difference between you failing them and them failing you.”

The words stalked her all the way to Kakashi’s room, floating around her head and pressing into her ears. Failed her. No one had failed her. Sakura was safe in the Leaf Village. She still had her parents - even if they were driving her crazy - and she hadn’t felt so unsettled, so unloved, that she fled the village to search for a crazy snake person. 

Sasuke hadn’t failed them. He’d screwed them - Kakashi particularly.

But she wasn’t sure he’d failed them. 

Kakashi sat on his bed, already dressed in his jonin blues but missing his flak vest. He looked smaller without the vest, so maybe he was just smaller in general. Malnutrition was an effect of sensory deprivation. He glanced up at Sakura, his mask already in place, and looked like he was awaiting execution.

“Sensei?” Sakura stepped into the room slowly.

“I’m a jonin,” Kakashi muttered, rubbing his temples. “I think.”

“You are,” Sakura assured him. 

He let out what might have been a relieved breath. Sakura couldn’t blame him. One of the punishments for a Teir VI infraction under the Chain of Accountability was revocation of a jonin status. 

“I’m a jonin,” he muttered again, his fingers playing at the hem of his shirt. “I shouldn’t be nervous to walk outside.” 

“Then don’t be,” Sakura took his hand and tugged him to his feet, keeping her tone light and teasing. “Think of it like a mission, Sensei. Walk me safely around the gardens.” 

His eye crinkled just slightly, so he’d found some amusement at her swinging their arms. “A mission, huh?”

Sakura hummed, leading him toward the door. “B-rank,” she said. “Someone has to protect me from Lee’s advances.” 

Kakashi actually chuckled at that, allowing her to pull him out of his room and into the hallway. “He’s as obtuse as Gai.” 

There was a fondness in his voice and Sakura smiled up at him. “Aren’t you dating, Gai-sensei? So what does that say about you , Sensei?”

The sliver of cheek Sakura could see turned pink. “We’re not. He’s just,” he spluttered. “Damnit, Gai.” 

Sakura giggled. “Oh, we’ve known for months . Oh, that reminds me. Settle a bet for me. Gai-sensei asked you out, right?” 

If possible, Kakashi turned pinker. “Is this anyway to treat you dear, recovering Sensei?”

“I’m taking that as a yes.” 

Kakashi stopped at the back exit to the hospital and Sakura bit back a curse. She hoped she could distract him from realizing just how close to leaving they were, but it appeared that had failed. His breathing was a little more shallow than she would have liked and his eye fluttered across the empty grounds, searching for something. 

“Sakura?” 

“Yes, Sensei,” Sakura said quietly.

“Will you -” he let out a long breath and Sakura slipped her arm around his before he could articulate the question. A bit of tension left his body. “Forgive me.” 

Sakura’s pulse quickened for half a second. He couldn’t be turning around already. They hadn’t even made it out the door yet. She couldn’t have failed this badly. Not yet.

“You lost the bet,” Kakashi muttered as he took the first step outside. “I asked Gai out.” 

Sakura burst into giggles, her arm still looped through Kakashi’s and she heard him let out a long, relieved breath. The garden was empty but beautiful. Spring had brought about a variety of colors and flowers, each scent drifting softly on the wind. Kakashi walked haultingly beside her, occasionally raising a hand to paw at his nose. 

It took all of her self control for Sakura to bite her tongue instead of asking if he was doing alright. There was a loose tension in his body, not enough to worry about him descending into panic. But it was enough to tell her that he’d seen or heard something he didn’t like. 

Finally, he stopped and let out a long sigh, turning his head toward one of the trees. “Maa, maa,” he called. “It’s rude to hide your presence from a crazy person, you know?” 

“Sensei!” Sakura squawked, not sure if him referring to hismelf as crazy or the fact that he hadn’t given any indications of having that deep of a hallucination unnerved her more. 

“It really isn’t nice, Tenzo,” Kakashi said, ignoring her completely.

Tenzo. 

That was a new name. Out of all of the people he’d spent the last few weeks talking to, she’d never heard Tenzo before. And she hadn’t found his name in any of the records for the old Team 7. 

“Senpai.” 

Sakura jumped at the exasperated sigh as an ANBU in a cat mask appeared in front of them. He was just a hair shorter than Kakashi, face hidden behind the mask, but a few wisps of brown hair sticking up. 

“Please don’t refer to me by that name when I’m on duty.” 

“Only seems fair,” Kakashi said dismissively. “I’ve been imagining people for weeks now. Skulking around without proving you’re real.” 

Tenzo sighed again, but scratched at the back of his head sheepishly.

“Who’s with you?” 

“Lamb.” Tenzo nodded toward another tree and Kakashi waved a lazy hand. “Sorry, we didn’t think.”
Kakashi shrugged. “Not your fault. They said I’d have an ANBU escort for a while.” 

Sakura turned to look up at him. An ANBU escort? But why? He wasn’t in any danger. Did they think he was a danger to himself? Why hadn’t Lady Tsunade told her?

Tenzo cocked his head to the side, the only sign that he was confused behind the emotionless mask. “Oh, no. That was over weeks ago.” 

Kakashi’s eyebrows furrowed. “Weeks?”

Tenzo nodded. “Yes. The ANBU escort was only for six weeks, senpai.”

“Six weeks,” Kakashi breathed, as though confused.

Sakura’s gaze flickered to Tenzo again, her arm tight around Kakashi’s. She hoped it would help keep him there, where he belonged and not drifting in a confused loop of “how long?”. He hadn’t asked in weeks and Sakura didn’t want to hear him mutter “twelve. Just twelve. How long? Out now? Just days. Not months. Just days.”

“Then why are you here?” Kakashi asked slowly, his gaze moving back up to Tenzo.

Tenzo’s body stiffened. “Oh, uh?”

Sakura stared at him. She’d thought ANBU were supposed to be shinobi of the highest caliber. They were supposed to be masters of stealth and concealing. Emotionless and sharp. 

“Tenzo.” There was a touch of amused smugness in Kakashi’s voice. “Was my kohai worried about me?” 

The ANBU pointedly turned his face away. “No one said that.” 

“I’m touched.” Kakashi’s free hand went to his chest, his other arm still wrapped through Sakura’s. “And here I thought you would have forgotten about little old me.”

“Senpai,” Tenzo’s sigh bordered on a whine. 

“Maa, maa,” Kakashi chuckled. “Off you go, my cute little kohai. Before you get in trouble.” 

A deep, long suffering breath left Tenzo from behind his mask. “I’m glad you’re alright, Kakashi.” 

In a blink, the ANBU vanished. Sakura waited a minute before she turned a curious gaze up to Kakashi. His eye closed in a chipper smile. 

“An old friend,” he answered the unspoken question, tugging her toward the path again. 

Sakura fell into step beside him easily. “I didn’t know you had friends in the ANBU, Kakashi-sensei.” 

“Believe it or not,” Kakashi muttered, his face turned up toward the sun. “I like to think you haven’t discovered all my secrets yet, Sakura.” 

It took all of Sakura’s willpower not to skip down the hallway like a dainty princess instead of a battle trained shinobi. Lady Tsunade would scold her gently and tell her to act like the elite med-nin she was going to be but Kakashi would probably chuckle and ask his “cute little genin” what she was so excited about. And there were plenty of things to be excited about, but he knew about most of them.

She and Ino were finally starting to be friends again. It felt nice. Sakura hadn’t realized how deeply she missed being on civil terms with the blonde until they’d started talking again. 

And Sakura had finally managed to coat her fist in enough chakra that she wouldn’t break her hand when she punched a tree. It felt like she and Lady Tsunade had been practicing that for months - even if it had only been about twelve weeks. 

Which was three months. 

Had it really been three months?
Sakura’s feet paused and a sadness began to waft over her. Three months already.

Three months since Sasuke he had abandoned them. 

Three months since Sakura and Naruto had really trained together.

Three months since they’d trained with Kakashi.

Months. 

Sakura pulled in a deep breath.

No. She wasn’t going to dwell on it. 

It was all in the past and now Sakura was looking forward. Because the past was sad and dark but the future was looking better and better all the time. 

Kakashi got to go home - finally. It had been well over a week since his eye had gone glossy and drifted into a corner. He didn’t count at the drop of a hat. He sat comfortably in the sunlight and had stopped minding loud noises as much. Lady Tsunade said that she’d even be willing to clear Team 7 for D-rank missions after Kakashi had a few days to settle at home. 

Sakura wrapped softly on the door to Kakashi’s room, waiting for the soft “come in” of her distracted sensei. Kakashi’s nose was stuck in his book, though he looked somewhat put out to see Sakura step into his room instead of the nurse with his discharge papers. 

Beside the bed, Gai was in the middle of pushups and Sakura could have sworn she heard the count of five-hundred-seventy-two before she turned her attention back to Kakashi.

“Good morning, Sensei.” 

“Good morning, my cute little genin. Don’t you look excited?” 

“Full of the vibrance of youth!” Gai declared, sweat sparkling across his forehead when he looked up at her. 

Sakura giggled as Kakashi rolled his eye. “Have you seen the med-nins yet, Kakashi-sensei?” 

Kakashi sighed dramatically. “Not quite. It's like they want me to stay longer.” 

“I highly doubt that, Rival.” Gai chuckled. “I think they’ve gotten rather tired of your antics.”

“Antics? I would never. That sounds more your style, Gai.” The chipper tone and mischievous glint in his eye were more than enough to make Sakura’s smile grow. “Anyway, do you come bringing good news, Sakura? Are my discharge papers on their way?” 

“I didn’t see anyone, sorry, Sensei.” 

Kakash let out a dramatic little sigh. 

Sakura grinned, rocking on the balls of her feet. “Well, it isn’t your papers but I do have good news.”

“Oh?” Kakashi actually put his book down to lean forward. “Do tell?”

Pride glowed in Sakura’s chest, turning excitedly in her chest and chasing away any lingering sadness that tried to burrow its way in. “As of this morning, Lady Tsunade officially approved me to assist with living patients.” 

Gai paused his pushups to sit up and grin at her. “Sakura! That is wondrous! This is the power of hard work and youthful ambition!”

Kakashi shook his head fondly but smiled at her. “Wonderful work, Sakura. I’m very proud of you.” 

Proud. The word exploded in her chest like a firework, sending warmth from her fingers to her toes. She knew he’d be “proud” of her in the past for little things like tree walking or her failed attempt at the chunnin exams. But this felt more real. This felt real. Like something worth being proud of. 

Naruto - and Sasuke - always did things that made Kakashi proud. Winning fights, outshining their opponents, surpassing their limits. Everytime she turned around, Sakura could see the pride on her Sensei’s face.

But now it was for her . 

It was all she’d ever dreamed it would be. The warmth and excitement of knowing that she had made someone proud of her. 

Kakashi’s warm, large hand dropped onto her head as he stood, his eye crinkled with joy. “You’ll be a talented med-nin in no time.” 

Sakura beamed up at him. Things finally felt like they were falling into place. Team 7 was a little broken but they weren’t shattered. Kakashi was being cleared, they’d be back to D-rank missions soon enough, and even if Sakura only had Kakashi and Naruto, at least she still had Kakashi and Naruto. 

Even if Sasuke never came back, her teammate and her sensei still liked her. Still thought she was sticking around for. And so did Lady Tsunade. The Hokage thought Sakura was worth enough to train her. And if that didn’t prove Sasuke was an idiot for not wanting her, Sakura wasn’t sure what did. 

“We must celebrate this triumph of youth!” Gai cheered. “Sakura, what would you like for dinner tonight. Kakashi and I will make you-”

The door slammed open, the resounding thud echoing around the room. Sakura nearly jumped out of her skin, spinning to glare as Naruto tumbled into the room. She didn’t miss Kakashi jumped, his hand moving to Gai’s sleeve - seeking him out. It was a harsh reminder. Their sensei was doing much better, but - just like Lady Tsunade said - he might never be the same. 

“Kakashi-sensei! Kakashi-sensei!”

“Naruto!” Sakura cracked her hand across the back of his head and he fell silent with a whine. “We’re in a hospital. Keep your voice down!”

And he had no doubt unsettled their sensei, not that Sakura was going to point that out. Kakashi was already shifting uncomfortably and try to fall back into his usual cool persona.

“Oh, right. Sorry.” Naruto rubbed the back of his head with a sheepish grin.

To Sakura’s relief, most of the tension drained out of Kakashi’s body and his eye crinkled just slightly in a fond smile. It took all of Sakura’s efforts to shove down her jealousy. Nothing could be all about her for more than a few seconds before Naruto appeared. 

She shook the thought from her head. It wasn’t a fair thought and she knew it. As much as he’d driven her crazy in the academy - as annoying as he still was -, he wasn’t trying to steal all of Kakashi’s fondness. He was just trying to be himself. And no one had really ever liked Naruto for being himself. Except, maybe Iruka-sensei. And now, Kakashi. 

And her, she supposed.

Even if he was annoying, Sakura couldn’t help but like Naruto.

He’d stuck by her, when no one else had.

“What is it, Naruto?” Kakashi asked, his voice that chipper exasperation.

It sounded just a bit too forced. Gai must have noticed it too because he frowned slightly. Kakashi’s fingers had loosened but still hadn’t completely released Gai’s sleeve. It made Sakura’s stomach churn uncomfortably.

“Pervy Sage wants to train me!” 

Sakura blinked at him and Gai’s brow furrowed.

“Pervy Sage?” Sakura echoed slowly.

The name didn’t sound all that appealing. Sakura certainly wouldn’t be excited to be trained by someone called “Pervy Sage”.

Kakashi, however, let out a light chuckle. His eye looked fond, happy. “Oh? Jiraiya-sensei agreed to take you on, huh?”

“Jiraiya?” Gai looked between them. “Truly? How wonderful, Naruto!”

Sakura blinked, feeling a bit left out of whatever news this was. “Uh, who’s Jiraiya?”

“One of Lady Tsunade’s old teammates,” Kakashi said, voice light. “The last of the three Legendary Sannin. Jiraiya-sensei is the one who taught Minato-sensei.” 

Naruto blinked in silent surprise. “He is? I thought Pervy Sage taught the Fourth Hokage. Were your sensei and the Hokage on a team together, Kakashi-sensei?” 

Gai raised an eyebrow but Kakashi just chuckled. “Something like that.”

Sakura’s brow furrowed. Minato-sensei. The Fourth Hokage. She turned the words over in her mind until they clicked together.

Minato-sensei.

As in Minato Namikaze.

As in the Fourth Hokage.

The man that had died defending the village from the Nine Tails attack. 

Kakashi’s sensei was the Fourth Hokage.

Kakashi had mistaken Naruto as the Fourth Hokage for weeks.

Something jealous flared in her stomach again, even as she tried desperately to stomp it down. Naruto - bottom of the class, idiot Naruto - reminded Kakashi of the Fourth Hokage . Every book Sakura had read, every lesson she’d ever taken, said that Minato Namikaze was considered the greatest Hokage after the First. He was the Yellow Flash of the Leaf. A war hero.

A man who was only Hokage for two years but was still considered such a threat that when he died, Lord Third took back over. Because any new comer would pale in comparison and make the Leaf look weaker.

Naruto reminded Kakashi of that man.

And what did she remind him of? 

Rin Nohara. 

A young girl who had died when she was just a chunnin. Sakura hadn’t been able to find out much about Rin, just that she’d been captured on a mission and killed during her escape.

Naruto reminded Kakashi of one of the greatest shinobi of all time.

Sakura reminded Kakashi of a chunnin that couldn’t rescue herself.

The jealousy was ugly and unfair and burning. She couldn’t control who she reminded Kakashi of. It just hurt to know that her teammate reminded him of a great shinobi and she reminded him of no one.

“We’re gonna leave tomorrow!” 

Leave.

The word stuck to Sakura like glue, all of the jealousy fading away so something else could engulf her. An emotion she never thought she would associate with Naruto not being there. Sadness. He was leaving her. 

Just like -

No. No, this wasn’t that .

He was leaving to train and come back stronger. 

Leaving to train with a Sannin.

Just like -

No. 

Sakura squashed the thought under her foot. He wasn’t deserting them. He was just leaving to train. Plenty of people did that. 

“Oh,” she breathed out because her brain refused to think of anything else. 

Naruto beamed at them, his chest puffed out with pride. And Sakura’s bitter, swirling thoughts faded at how happy he looked. No D-rank missions for Team 7 in their future than. Just her and -

“No.”

Kakashi’s voice lost any trace of controlled fondness. It trembled. Trembled in the way he had whispered their names the first time they saw him after his punishment. In that numb, distant way.

Sakura spun around to look at him, at the glossiness that took over his eye. The same glossiness she used to see before she’d hear that soft, wobbling little “Rin?” . 

“Kakashi,” Gai said slowly, carefully.

Kakashi flinched, ducking away from Gai and toward the nearest wall, though his gaze stayed locked on Naruto. “No,” he repeated in that wavering voice. “No, please.”

Naruto’s grin fell to confusion and a light horror. “Kakashi-sensei? Hey, it's okay. Pervy Sage and I-”

“No!” Kakashi’s voice was a little sharper as he backed himself into the corner, eye wide and wild, flickering around the room. “No. No, please. I can’t. Please don’t make me go back. Please. Please.”

“Kakashi,” Gai tried again. 

Kakashi ignored him, eye flickering from Naruto to Sakura before sliding toward the empty wall between them and lingering there. 

Gai cursed under his breath. “Naruto, go call for Lady Tsunade.”

“What? Why?”

“Go, Naruto,” Sakura said, shoving him toward the door.

“No!” Kakashi’s voice turned to a desperate shout as he slid down the wall, knees up to his chest. “No! Please. Don’t. Don’t go, please. I can. I can. One. Two. Three, four, five, sixseveneight. No! Too fast. Start again!” 

Naruto’s face paled and he bolted out the door. Kakashi screamed. Raw and terrified. Sakura’s breath caught and she froze, eyes burning with tears. 

“One, two, three, five. No! No!” 

Gai moved before Sakura’s brain could even process what was happening. Kakashi’s fist slammed into his temples with bruising force twice before Gai managed to grab him, wrestling until Kakashi was pinned against his chest, screaming nonsense and numbers.

“Get out, Sakura,” Gai ordered.

She should have insisted on staying. She was training to be a med-nin. Lady Tsunade had trusted her to take Kakashi on his first walk outside the building. She should have been able to do something, anything .

She turned on her heel and fled.

“I’m not going!” 

Naruto’s shout echoed around Lady Tsunade’s office. Sakura sniffled and tried not to let anymore tears fall from her eyes. She’d already embarrassed herself enough, sobbing like an idiot while Lady Tsunade and Gai sedated Kakashi. Sakura was supposed to be training to be a med-nin. Not sobbing like some poor little genin student. 

“Kid,” the white haired man - Jiraya - sighed, rubbing his temples. “Look-”

“No! No way! I’m not leaving Kakashi-sensei. Don’t even think-”

“You will ,” Lady Tsunade’s voice was sharp enough to cut, “do as you are assigned, Naruto. Regardless of the circumstances, you are still a shinobi of this village.” 

Naruto glared at her. Sakura could feel his frustration pouring off him in waves from beside her. She kept her head ducked, not daring to look up and risk seeing how disappointed Lady Tsunade was in her utterly pathetic display. 

“He was scared ,” Naruto argued. “Like he thought that I was gonna leave him. Like… Like…”

Naruto trailed off but his voice shook. Sakura hugged herself a little tighter.

Jiraiya heaved a heavy sigh. “Look, Kid,” he said softly. “I’ve known Kakashi a hell of a lot longer than you have. And, trust me, he wants you to go.”

“He was scared.”

“He is traumatized,” Lady Tsunade corrected, her voice a little more gentle but still firm. “But he’s never going to learn that you’ll come back if you never leave. Staying here isn’t going to help him, Naruto. Not in the way you think it is.”

“And, besides, what can you really do here?” Jiraiya continued. “I’ve got stuff to do, Kid. I’m not staying in the village. Kakashi’s clearly in no shape to teach. What are you going to do? Learn more taijutsu with Maito? You want to catch up to Sasuke, don’t you?”

Sasuke.

His name drew a flinch out of Sakura and her hands clenched into fists. This was all his faut. He’d done this to them. To Kakashi. 

And she hated him. 

Hated that she’d cared about him.

Hated that she still cared about him.

Hated that she’d failed him. 

Hated.

Heated.

Hated.

“Sakura, Gai, and I are perfectly capable of looking after Kakashi,” Lady Tsunade said easily. “Isn’t that right, Sakura?” 

Sakura finally forced herself to look up, unable to hide the surprise blossoming in her chest. Lady Tsunade stared at her, expectantly. It wasn’t the cold disappointment Sakura expected. Just a raised eyebrow and patient silence. Expectation. Like she expected Sakura to answer positively and confidently. Like, even after Sakura blubbered like a child, Lady Tsunade still believed in her.

“Right,” Sakura said on instinct, the word tumbling out of her mouth in a whisper.

Lady Tsunade gave her an approving nod. “There, see? You trust your comrades, don’t you Naruto?” 

“Well, yeah, of course.” Naruto’s voice was soft too, wavering. “I just - I really let Sasuke down, ya know? I wasn’t there for him when he needed me.”

His shoulders slumped, his blue eyes turning sad, and he looked down at his feet. It was a terrible look. One that didn’t belong on him. Naruto hadn’t let Sasuke down. He’d tried so hard to help Sasuke. Sasuke was the one that walked away from them, even as Naruto chased him down to bring him home. 

“Naruto,” Sakura whispered.

“I don’t wanna let Sensei down too.” 

Her hand found his as his admission hung in the air. “You didn’t fail Sasuke,” she assured him. “I think… I think he failed you .”

Naruto squeezed her hand, clinging like she was his only life line. “Sakura.”

“Lady Tsunade’s right. I’ll take care of Sensei, Naruto. You… You stop failing yourself.”

There was a pleased glint in Lady Tsunade’s eyes as Naruto shakily agreed to leave with Jiraiya. He glanced back at Sakura as he walked out the door, his eyes swimming with unshed tears. 

“Sakura,” Lady Tsunade called before Sakura could follow him out. 

This was it. Lady Tsunade wanted to tell her what a horrible med-nin she’d make if she couldn’t even care for the people closest to her. Maybe she was going to drop Sakura as a student.

“Yes, Milady.” Nibbling at her lower lip, Sakura turned back around. 

Lady Tsunade’s honey eyes scanned her closely as the door clicked closed. “Its difficult to care for our precious people. There will always be things we can’t do. Moments we can’t control. But the most important thing you can do is show up. Do you understand?”

Tears prickled in Sakura’s eyes. From the overwhelming relief of not being cut as a student or the sudden feeling of everything crashing down around her, Sakura didn’t know. But she struggled to blink them away before they fell. 

“Yes, Lady Tsunade.” 

“Good. Then dry your eyes before you leave. You cry at home or in this office.” 

Scrubbing her eyes, Sakura nodded. 

“Setbacks happen all the time, Sakura. It isn’t a failure. It’s just another step in recovery.” 

Sakura paused outside the door and took a few deep breaths. The letter Naruto had left for them was clutched in her hand. Beyond the door, the room was quiet. No screaming, no crying, no chakra pulsing. Her breath came a little easier as she knocked softly.

“Sensei? It’s Sakura.”

Kakashi didn’t answer. But Sakura didn’t expect him to. He was probably pouting. So close to being discharged and now Lady Tsunade wanted to keep him another three or four days. It made sense, Sakura knew, from a medical point. Observations were one of the most important parts of medicine. And after all they’d gone through the day before, sending him home alone just didn’t feel right. 

If he was back to himself, he was probably doing what Kakashi did best, sulking and trying to pretend nothing happened.

If he wasn’t back to himself - 

Sakura shuddered and pushed the thought away. He was back to himself. He had to be. 

The bed was empty when she opened the door and Sakura’s chest tightened. Her eye flickered to the corner immediately and she caught the barest trace of silver hair. 

Calm.

If he wasn’t back to himself, the best thing she could do was be calm.

“Sensei?” she tried again, 

The silver hair shifted as Kakashi moved. “Hello, Sakura.” 

His voice was quiet, full of a failed attempted at his usual chipperness. It came out hallow and ashamed. He was sitting with his knees to his chest, eyes distant but not glossy as he stared across the room. Sakura’s heart broke but she shoved it aside.

Her heart wasn’t the one that mattered right now.

“How are you feeling?” she asked, lowering herself to the ground beside him.

Kakashi’s laugh was slightly bitter, tinged with exhaustion. “Like a legendary ninja.” 

Sakura’s lips twitched in a poor attempt at a smile. His hands were bandaged, wrapped like he was wearing gloves, and she could see the bruises that had blossomed on his temples. 

“I’m sorry,” Kakashi muttered after a moment. “I know this has been hard on you. And yesterday wasn’t fair.”

“It wasn’t,” Sakura agreed softly. “But, you know Naruto. He’s kind of an idiot. He never thinks things through.”

Kakashi’s chuckle was tinged with bitterness. “I wasn’t talking about Naruto.”

“I was.” Sakura shrugged. “But what can we expect? He’s never been one to think things through before he opened his mouth.” 

The barest trace of humor flickered in Kakashi’s eye. “No, I suppose he hasn’t.”

They fell silent for a minute before Sakura held up the letter. “He left this for us. Do you want me to read it?”

Kakashi’s gray eye stared for a minute before he straightened himself up. “Alright.”

Dear Sakura and Kakashi-sensei,

I guess… I’m sorry. For not saying goodbye properly. I really wanted to, but Granny Tsunade kept yelling and Pervy Sage said we gotta strike while the iron is hot - whatever that means. I think it might have something to do with ramen or samurai, but Pervy Sage says all kinds of weird stuff, so maybe not?

Anyway, I’m not leaving forever. I PROMISE! I’m just on a training mission. A really big one. It’s gonna make me stronger than you, Sensei. And maybe smarter than Sakura too.

Kakashi snorted, the first genuine noise Sakura had heard from him. She bit back a smile and kept reading.

I’m gonna get better. Next time, I’m gonna be strong enough to stop him. I’ll protect everyone. Especially you guys. And don’t argue with me about it either, Sensei. You protect us so much. I gotta be able to protect you too. You and Sakura are my precious people, ya know.

Also, Pervy Sage is working on another one of those dumb books you like, Sensei. I think they’re really boring, but he said you’d like to hear that.

“Sage,” Sakura muttered before she could stop herself. “His spelling is atrocious. Iruka-sensei would have a heart attack.”

Kakashi laughed. 

Pervy Sage doesn’t know when we’re gonna be back. He said “it’ll take as long as it takes”, which is a dumb answer. But it’s the only one I’ve got. So I figured, I’ll make sure and write you guys everyday! That way you don’t forget that I’m coming home.

Your Number One, Hyperactive, Knucklehead Ninja!

P.S. just in case you ever need to, let’s count together okay?

One.

Two.

Three.

“Four,” Kakashi muttered softly.

“Five.”

“Six.”

“Seven.”

“Eight.”

“Nine.”

“Ten.”

“Eleven.”

“Twelve,” Kakashi muttered and then paused to let out a long, slow breath. “Thirteen.”

“Thirteen,” Sakura agreed.