Chapter Text
The seaside in Marlas was much colder than the one in Ios. The sky was dark blue and it reminded Damen a little of a bruise. Damen wore a longer chiton with blue ornaments at the hems and a long cape with red, blue and gold covering every inch of the fabric. Laurent had his blue laces, light blue, not dark like grief he wore for years, and a cape that resembled the typical Akielon clothing. The water was almost cold enough to make Damen’s feet ache. It felt so much different than Ios but still so close to his heart, like a blade pushed close to his chest.
A year passed since Laurent drew a sword that was too big for him and saved Damen’s life. A year since he watched Kastor fall in a puddle of his own blood and die. A year when a shell of his brother fell to the ground and Damen felt almost nothing. Perhaps he felt nothing then because, in truth, Kastor had died much earlier or perhaps it was so because all Damen could think about at that moment was Laurent. Laurent’s hand in his, the blood flowing from his side, Laurent’s bright smile. Darkness. Weeks of bedrest and a rushed funeral. Coronation and the physical, unbearable pain when Laurent had to leave for Vere. Damen couldn’t think about Kastor because it still hurt too much. It started hurting when he saw Kastor’s body in the crypt as if he needed a final reassurance that he was truly gone. Kastor was like a ghost at the back of his neck or like a big blackbird on his shoulder, cawing and nipping at his ear. Ignoring and pushing away the bird - Kastor - wasn’t that hard. Damen knew he was good at pushing his feelings away to the point that he was unable to feel anything when he consciously tried to make himself think about Kastor. He wasn’t able to face Kastor’s statue without a painful why throbbing in his head like a stupid question without an answer.
Damen tightened his hold on the hilt of his sword, his rather new sword. When Laurent left for Vere after their stolen moments of peace, Damen commanded to open the tomb and rebury the man that was supposed to be him. When he saw his sword with two lions engraved on the hilt, he was in Marlas again. He commanded everyone to leave and held it in his hands. His father had this sword made for him and Damen could still remember Auguste’s blood on it. The joy he had felt in that moment turned to ice in his veins. Damen sat in the crypt the whole night and then stood up impatiently to leave the sword on his father’s grave. Then, he went to the swordsmith and commanded him to make a new sword, this time with a lion and a starburst on the hilt.
Laurent, of course, noticed it almost immediately when they met again in Marlas. Damen remembered giving Laurent a chaste kiss in public, a part of the protocol. He remembered their impatience and how quickly they escaped all the courtiers to greet each other properly. He didn’t know what their reunion would be like but none of his fantasies included Laurent throwing himself at Damen and crushing him in an almost painful embrace. Damen almost felt dizzy with happiness as he hugged him back and pushed his nose into Laurent’s soft hair.
“I missed you,” Laurent said into his ear.
“I missed you, too.”
Laurent’s mind was always quick to notice even the smallest differences and details. He assessed Damen as if checking for an injury or a bruise. His cold eyes finally stopped at the hilt of Damen’s sword. His long fingers touched the lion and the starburst, caressing their shapes gently, up and down, up and down. When he looked up, his eyebrows were furrowed, his face twisted in confusion. Laurent had never seen his first sword up close, the Akielon one with two lions gifted to him by his father. No Akielon would give his son a sword with a Veretian starburst on it.
“What’s this?” Laurent asked. “I thought that your sword was buried with the man Kastor killed in your place. Didn’t you-”
“I had a new sword made.”
Laurent blinked once and then realisation bloomed on his face. His eyes turned soft, almost as sweet as they were in Ios, and Damen couldn’t look anywhere else. He drank his features in and forced himself to remember every second of it, every little change in Laurent’s eyes and his lips.
“Why didn’t you tell me, Damen? You could have written to me about it,” Laurent said, his voice a little thick. “My sword would have been ready by now.”
Damen watched as Laurent lifted his own sword a little and showed him the hilt with a starburst engraved on it. It was a beautiful sword, smaller than Damen’s, but lean and graceful. It had a certain elegance that could only be associated with Laurent. He remembered his father saying that a sword was like an extension of your arm. The sword is you, Damen.
“I think the star is a little lonely in here,” Laurent said as he caressed its shape with his thumb. “Don’t you think there’s enough space for a lion to join it?”
Damen remembered that he smiled and kissed Laurent on the lips, on the neck, on his cheeks. He kissed him until it was hard to breathe. It was a beautiful memory, one that Damen held close to his heart.
“The water’s cold.” Laurent’s quiet voice almost made Damen jump, tearing him away from his thoughts. He felt his gaze on himself, he saw the way he lifted his chin to try to catch Damen’s eyes. “It’s much colder than in Ios.”
Damen only nodded, not looking at Laurent. The waves hit his feet again and he clenched his teeth. After long, silent seconds, Damen felt Laurent’s fingers reaching for his hand and squeezing it gently. Holding hands was something that was widely discussed in their palace but Damen never cared about the gossip. He squeezed Laurent’s hand back and finally looked at his face. His lovely blue eyes were sharp as always but also clouded with ill-concealed worry. His golden eyebrows were furrowed and Damen felt the urge to press a lingering kiss to Laurent’s forehead. They’ve been married for a little more than a year and Damen felt happier with each passing day, even on days like that.
“It will get easier,” Laurent said, his voice a little more than a whisper. “It will always hurt but it will get easier.”
Damen nodded. It will always hurt. He looked down at Laurent and felt an unexplainable wave of longing in his chest. Kastor and Auguste, both gone before their time. He thought about them both, that all of them could have been family. Maybe in another life, they were. Oh, how he wished that Kastor had been a little softer, how he wished that Marlas had never happened. Damen watched Laurent’s face and felt another wave in his chest. This time, it was something painful and raw. Laurent knew grief long before anyone should know the true meaning of that word. Laurent wanted to make it easier for him. His sweetness stopped being something surprising for Damen but it disarmed him every time.
Damen let go of Laurent’s hand and closed his arms around his frame, pressing him close to his chest. Laurent jerked in surprise at first but then he lifted his arms and tightened them around Damen’s waist, pressing his pale cheek to his clavicle. Laurent kept drawing small circles on Damen’s back, his touch as light as the wings of a fragile bird. Damen rested his chin on Laurent’s soft hair and sighed deeply, closing his eyes. Laurent’s hair smelled like white flowers and something that was just Laurent.
He didn’t know how long they were standing like that, completely silent and just drinking each other in. The waves kept licking at their feet, the wind was pulling at their capes and hair. Damen took another deep breath and pulled away, seeking Laurent’s eyes. They were still a little worried but he was sure that Laurent felt the same strength from their embrace as he did. Damen still felt warmth in all those places where Laurent’s skin touched his.
“Tell me what you need, Damen.”
He opened his mouth but nothing came out of it. Damen tugged at Laurent’s hand and they walked again without a word, the cold water licking their heels. He could feel his heart quicken as if he was a scared animal, thrashing against the bar of its cage. He needed to-
“The seashell is gone,” Damen blurted out. Laurent looked at him, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “I can’t find it.”
“What seashell? I don’t understand.”
“Kastor gave me a seashell once. We were at the beach. I was ten at best and he was already a man. We were playing in the waves. Well, he was indulging me because I followed him everywhere like a puppy. He was the one who taught me to swim. He used to throw me into the waves and laugh until he almost cried. We swam and built castles from sand. Kastor brought me a seashell once. It was perfectly white and small. I was so happy, like a fool. I guarded it with all my heart, I was so proud that Kastor gave me this little thing. I was scared to crush it, so I hid it in the cabinet beside my bed.”
Damen stopped and took a shaky breath. Did Kastor love him then? He looked like he loved him. He never once let Damen get hurt, at least until the incident that left Damen with a scar on his side. He was thirteen at the time, proud that his older brother treated him like a man, with tears in his eyes but refusing to let anyone see his pain. Now, Damen only wondered if it was the first time Kastor tried to kill him or if he lost control. Perhaps it was a true accident. Damen would never have his answer and that knowledge tasted like a bitter candy. He remembered Laurent asking about the scar, following its contour with his fingers. When Laurent heard the answer, his gaze hardened for a second and he leaned in to press a long, soft kiss to the white scar.
“When Paschal told me that I could get up, I waited for you to fall asleep and went to my old room. Kastor took it, of course. I didn’t know what to expect but it looked normal. The drapes were there, the books, even the sheets were the same. But when I looked inside the cabinet, the seashell was gone. I couldn’t find it anywhere. He probably crushed it under his foot and threw it away. It’s a little pathetic but that was the moment I realised he never loved me enough to be by my side. Not when he betrayed me, killed our father, slaughtered my household. Not when he stabbed me again. I had to see that this stupid seashell was gone to realise it.”
Damen felt like a stupid dog that nuzzled against a leg that kicked it. A dog too stupid to realise the truth, too stupid to see what was in front of him this whole time. Why didn’t you stay with me? Was the crown truly so dear to you?
Laurent squeezed his fingers and said nothing. Silence was good. Damen learned to enjoy the stretches of silence between them, especially when they talked about such dark things. He looked at Laurent and it hit him again that he never once thought about him all those years ago in Marlas and long after it. No boy deserves to lose his brother. Shame flooded him again.
“What did I do wrong?” Damen asked, sounding almost like a child. “I loved him so much.”
Laurent was silent for a long moment, his eyebrows furrowed. They kept walking as the wind tugged at their capes, playing with their hair. Damen felt his heart throb painfully, each beat like a stab.
“I've never seen you as brothers before everything. I don’t know what you were like together but I don't believe you have to do something wrong or right to deserve suffering or a blessing. Almost no one gets what they deserve. In a good and in a bad way. I think life and all the things that happen rarely have any sense. Kastor only needed my uncle's whisper in his ear.”
Damen repeated Laurent’s words in his head. Perhaps he was right. He thought about Lykaios, a girl far too gentle and innocent to be butchered at his feet. He thought of Nicaise gone long before his time, a plaything to monsters around him. He thought of Erasmus and the burns on his skin. He thought of the regent that deserved much worse than a quick, clean death. He thought of Auguste, a star extinguished far too early, for nothing but stupid glory. He looked at Laurent and drank his face in, the lovely eyes and full lips. For a second, he looked much younger.
“Everything always comes back to Marlas,” Damen said, his voice bitter. If Marlas had never happened, Kastor wouldn’t have had the opportunity to listen to the regent’s poisoned words and empty promises. Again, Damen wondered what the world would look like without Marlas.
Laurent was silent for a while before he answered. “Yes.” He pressed his cheek to Damen’s shoulder for a moment before pulling away and taking a shallow breath. “I think that some things just happen. My uncle kept winning for years and never got what he truly deserved, even in death. Nicaise didn’t deserve to die and all that happened to him. We could list all the people in the world that didn’t deserve something that happened to them or deserved worse. I don’t see the point. A game like that quickly gets tedious.”
Damen only nodded. Perhaps Laurent was right.
“It used to drive me insane. Playing this game of deciding whether something was deserved or not. Whether it made any sense. Life rarely makes any sense. Don’t drive yourself insane with it, Damen.”
“I thought he loved me. I loved him.”
“I know,” Laurent replied gently. “That’s the one thing I don’t understand about him. I never wanted the crown, I only wanted Auguste. I guess that’s what almost every younger brother feels. What we have is different from brotherly love but I know what it means to have your love and I can’t imagine casting it away like Kastor did.”
Damen stopped and tugged at Laurent’s hand. He leaned in and pressed their foreheads together. Laurent’s words could poison you but they could also disarm you and leave you standing without any armour on. Was Laurent aware how hopeless he made him feel? Laurent closed his eyes and nuzzled against Damen’s forehead, their noses touching. Again, he couldn’t believe that he could have this after everything.
“Can you love someone and betray them?” Damen asked as he pulled away, the question burning his throat.
Laurent frowned and looked away at the sea, his eyes following waves. He opened his mouth but then closed it. “I don’t know,” he finally replied and frowned even harder. “I don’t know.”
Damen sighed deeply and pressed his lips to Laurent’s forehead. It was warm against his skin. Laurent tightened his arms around Damen’s waist and squeezed him hard. His touch made some of his pain go away or at least softened it like ice against a painful bruise. I don’t know. Damen didn’t know that as well but he knew that there’d never be an answer to that question. Never, never, never. The world echoed in his head, it spread in his body with each painful beat of his stupid heart.
After a long moment, Laurent pulled away first and looked Damen in the eye, his gaze unrelenting and sure. “I know it won't be the same but I’ll find the prettiest seashell for you when we're in Ios again.”
Damen blinked at him in silence, taken aback by Laurent’s promise, his fierceness. A wave of something warm and pleasant washed over him, filling him to the brim. Damen lifted his hand and cupped Laurent’s cheek, feeling how he inched closer to his palm, seeking its warmth like a starved man. He must have smiled because Laurent’s eyes lit up with happiness, his bright blue eyes glinting behind the golden eyelashes. Laurent must have liked this silent answer because he leaned in and kissed Damen on the lips, throwing his arms around his neck and smiling sweetly into the kiss. Damen opened his lips and tugged Laurent closer to him, their chests almost touching. Damen didn’t know how long they were just kissing, nothing but the two of them existing in this world, drinking each other in. With each passing second and with each press of Laurent’s lips, Damen felt a little stronger. It felt like drinking sunrays that spread in his body and chased the cold away.
A cold wave, bigger than any wave before, hit them and splashed against their knees. Damen groaned at the cold and Laurent laughed into the kiss. When he pulled back, he saw that Laurent’s lips were reddened and soft. He couldn’t look anywhere else.
“I want to go to Ios now.”
“We can’t.”
“One day, I’ll just take you to Ios and no one will stop me.”
“Oh, will you finally throw me over the back of your horse?”
“I don’t think I’ll need to,” Damen said and caressed Laurent’s cheek. “You made a promise to me, after all.”
Laurent smiled, his golden eyebrow raised high. After a moment, he grew serious again, his smile falling to be replaced with the same fierceness Damen saw minutes ago. “If you ever need to talk about your brother, come to me. Don’t hide from me.”
Damen nodded and pressed another kiss to Laurent’s lips, this time slower and gentler. Laurent told him many stories about Auguste and each left Damen aching deep inside. Their first anniversary of Marlas was difficult and left Laurent withdrawn and quiet for days before and after it. It helps when you hold me, Laurent said back then and Damen tightened his arms around him and didn’t let him go for hours. Laurent wasn’t shying away from telling him those stories, sometimes he did it himself and sometimes he did it because Damen asked him to. Damen knew it hurt him as well, it hurt them both, but Laurent said that he wanted to share it, the good and the bad. Damen, on the other hand, wanted to bury Kastor deep inside him and forget. He wasn’t like the dragons from stories his father used to tell him, guarding their treasure and lashing out whenever someone came closer. He felt more like an animal with a wounded leg, hiding its belly and its existence. He wanted to share it with Laurent but it was hard. It was hard to let himself think about Kastor and it was even harder to speak about him. Laurent said that he needed time and that they had all the time in this world. He always smiled when he said that.
“I can’t hide from you,” Damen murmured. Laurent had this strange ability to open Damen, to leave him defenseless and almost naked. Damen wasn’t sure if Laurent was aware of it. “I’ll come to you. I promise.”
Laurent searched his face and then nodded. He looked at the sea again and the corner of his mouth quirked up. “I would throw you into the waves if the water was a little warmer.”
“You would throw me into the waves?” Damen laughed. One of the most delightful things about Laurent was the fact that Damen never knew if he joked or not. “Are you sure about that, Laurent?"
“Yes.” Laurent’s cold eyes were serious.
They swam in the sea in Ios once, they played in the waves and kissed sweetly after. He could smell salt in Laurent’s hair and his lips tasted like seawater. He wished he could take Laurent to Ios now and he almost forgot about that his ghosts, both Kastor and father, would be much closer to him in Ios. His pain lessened a little, softened by Laurent’s words and kisses, but it was still there. It will always hurt but it will get easier. He suddenly felt tired and wanted to come back to their chamber and bury himself in Laurent’s waiting arms.
“We’ll see, Laurent,” Damen replied and caressed his cheek with his knuckles. He looked at the sea and the dark sky. He always felt closer to Kastor when he was at the sea. “We’ll see.”
Laurent took Damen’s hand and tugged at it, his eyebrows furrowed. The wind blew the golden strands into his eyes and he pushed them away impatiently. “I want to help you but I don’t always know what to do.”
“You do help, Laurent,” Damen replied, his voice almost getting lost in the sound of the waves crashing the rocks. He caught a golden strand between his fingers and put it behind Laurent’s ear. “I love you.”
Laurent blushed a little. He was always almost taken aback whenever Damen said those words. They didn’t say them often because they had better ways of saying I love you without using words. Damen imagined it was hard for Laurent to say those words but he always said them back, a little shy but always looking Damen in the eye.
“I love you.”
Damen smiled and tugged at Laurent’s hand. “Let’s go back before the storm hits.”
“Chase me,” Laurent said quickly and bolted.
Damen groaned and followed him, running as fast as he could. Laurent was quicker on his feet and more graceful but Damen could run for longer distances. And when Damen caught him…
Damen laughed, feeling a little lighter. The blackbird on his shoulder spread its wings and flew away. Damen knew it would be back but it was good to feel its absence even if it was only for a moment. He ran as fast as he could and watched as Laurent’s golden hair bounced in the air.
Damen wondered what he’d do to him when he caught him.