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Published:
2025-06-03
Updated:
2025-12-08
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8/?
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The Official List of Unofficial U.N.C.L.E Rules

Summary:

A list in 20-rule increments of behavior forbidden for UNCLE agents operating out of New York, because this is a serious agency dedicated to solving serious problems.

Updates Mondays when I have enough rules.

Notes:

Let's see how far we can get with these, shall we? Hope you enjoy rules list fics nearly as much as I do.

Edit: This used to be called "Things UNCLE Agents are Not Allowed to Do", but now it's the "Official List...". Enjoy!

Chapter 1: 1-20

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

1. If Mr. Waverly gives you an order, follow that order. 

2. Fraternizing with THRUSH agents is strictly forbidden. 

3. Do not use your comms devices for prank calls. We know it’s you. 

4. Please stop leaving whoopee cushions around HQ. This rule particularly applies to areas accessible by dignitaries. 

5. If you are physically capable of doing your post-mission debrief and paperwork, do it and turn it in on time. Goodness knows it piles up otherwise. 

6. We understand that you are passing around a jar for when you are captured in lieu of a swear jar. Please stop this at once. 
6a. We do not care how much money has been collected, what said money was going to be used for, or anything else about this enterprise, just that it needs to be stopped.

7. We do not know which agents sing in the shower and which don’t. We do not need you to put your super spy skills to the test and find out the answers to these questions.
 7a. If you somehow know the answers to these questions, please do keep them to yourselves.

8. If your partner is currently exchanging gunfire with THRUSH, do not watch and comment on their marksmanship, or make finger pistols "to provide encouragement". Help your partner. 

9. Do not try to get Agent Solo to introduce himself as “the name’s Solo. Napoleon Solo.” He knows what you’re referencing and is not amused.
 9a. Do not introduce yourself similarly. It gets old very quickly. 

10. You are not allowed to turn missions into drinking games. This implies that you are not taking your work seriously.

11. Please take your work seriously. 

12. Agent Kuryakin is not a computer.

13. Agent Kuryakin is not a Vulcan. 

14. Agent Kuryakin is not adorable.
14a. The duality of man. 

15. CEAs are not allowed to edit this list unauthorized.

16. Please remember to practice proper OPSEC at all times. 

17. Please do not streak in HQ.
17a. We do not care if you were dared and “it’s now a matter of pride." We do not need to see you in a state of nature. 

18. Please do not dare your fellow agents to streak in HQ.

19. You are not allowed to use paper airplanes. Not even to send messages. 

20. Do not stand on the roof facing the surveillance cameras and yell “I’m king of the world!" Why would you do that, anyway?

Notes:

I was several dozen rules into writing this when I learned that at least one person has already written an MFU rules list. Everyone go read zellieh's truly hilarious "100 Things U.N.C.L.E. Staff Are Not Allowed To Do." Also, check out Saphura's "Official List of Unofficial Rules" if you're even vaguely into Star Trek. That one very much inspired this, with some rules inspired more closely by others.

Feel free to contribute in the comments! It extends the life of the fic, not to mention makes me laugh. I'll include them in subsequent chapters and credit will be given where it's due.