Chapter Text
Sirius felt numb. He’d fucked up. Remus would never forgive him this time. He didn’t know why he’d done it. Well, that’s not true at all. He knew exactly why he’d done it, though he no longer found it funny.
Snivellus had pushed him too far this time, and here was the result. Sitting in the headmaster's office, alone, unfeeling, numb. That cool, straight-faced mask on that had become habit from getting in trouble growing up, though Regulus was always better at pulling it off. The door suddenly opened, causing Sirius to snap out of it. In came Dumbledore, followed closely by McGonagall and, most surprisingly, James.
James wasn’t looking at him, avoiding the eyes tracking him across the room as he went to stand behind the headmaster's desk. Minnie stood opposite James, and Dumbledore took his seat. Sirius was still watching James, who was staring at his feet, when Dumbledore began to speak.
“Mr. Black. I assume you understand why we are meeting here.”
The sound of his last name made him cringe. “Yes, sir.”
“And you understand the weight of what you have done.”
It wasn't a question. “Yes, sir.”
“Good. Now, something like this is usually plenty grounds for expulsion-“
“You won’t kick him out, will you?” Sirius interrupted hurriedly.
“Excuse me?”
“Remus. He didn’t do anything wrong, this is all my fault. Expel me, but please let him stay.”
“Whether or not to expel Mr. Lupin was never a question. He will stay. You’re fate, on the other hand, is up for discussion. As I was saying, an event like this is usually grounds for expulsion, but I am leaving that decision up to your head of house. You’re parents will also be contacted-“
“No!”
Sirius froze. James had been the one to interrupt this time.
“You can’t call his parents, they’ll murder him! And you can’t expel him. What his mother will do if she gets hold of him will be a thousand times worse than whatever you can dream up here and is destined to get him killed!”
“Mr. Potter-“
“You can’t, Professor! You can’t!”
“Mr Potter!” That quieted James. “I would much appreciate not being interrupted.”
“Sorry, professor.”
“I don’t believe it is necessary to contact Sirius’s parents. Mr. Potter is right. It will just cause more harm than good,” said McGonagall.
“Well then, that is decided. Mr. Black’s parents will not be contacted. The same cannot be said for Mr. Snape, however, as his mother and father are on their way now.”
As if on cue, the door burst open again, this time revealing a haggard, gaunt-looking couple with Professor Slughorn trailing behind them. “What is this we hear about our son being attacked?” The man, who could only be Snivillus’s father, shouted.
Dumbledore turned to James calmly and said, “Perhaps you and Mr. Black would like to step out for a moment?”
James nodded and walked towards the door, Sirius getting up to follow him, avoiding eye contact with anyone. Outside the door, James had his back turned to Sirius.
“James, I’m so sorry-”
“Sorry? Is that all you have to say for yourself?” James shouted.
“I-”
“No! You don’t get to explain yourself. Remus could have gotten expelled! And even if he didn’t, it doesn't change the fact that you hurt our best friend. And for what? A fucking prank? Getting back at Snape for whatever the fuck he did this time is not worth it.”
Sirius stayed silent. He never really meant to hurt anyone. Especially not Remus, whom he had just truly begun to get close to again. He knew he had messed up, and he was more sorry than James or anyone would ever understand. He knew this was something that could never be forgiven. But just admitting that, saying sorry over and over, wouldn’t fix anything.
“So?” James asked, breaking Sirius’s train of thought.
“What?”
James scoffed. “Do you have anything to say for yourself other than you’re sorry?”
Sirius looked up at James. Anger and betrayal were written all over his face.
“No,” Sirius said in a small voice, the fact that he was on the verge of tears apparent.
“What do you mean no?”
Sirius took a deep breath. “I know I fucked up James. I know I messed up worse than I ever have. I know that I could sit here and say how sorry I am over and over, but that’s never going to make you forgive me, is it? I honestly can’t even explain myself. I was angry, and I’d had enough, and all that mattered to me in the moment was making Snape regret it. And I didn’t care who I hurt to do it.”
James also looked to be on the verge of tears. He said a final, “Fuck you,” to Sirius, then sat down in the last seat of the row in the hallway, turned away from Sirius. Sirius stood for a moment before sitting down as well, that same numbness creeping in and mask falling over his face.
Time seemed to slow, and it was a while before the door opened again, causing James and Sirius to look up. Snapes' parents walked hastily down the hallway and around the corner without paying the two boys a second glance. Professor Slughorn came out next, offering them a small nod and apologetic smile before making his way down the hall. The door closed behind him, and it was another few moments before it opened again.
“We are ready for you now,” said McGonagall. James was the first to get up, followed by Sirius. As they entered the room, Dumbledore gestured for them each to take a seat in the chairs facing his desk.
“Thank you for your patience,” he said. “The Snapes have all sworn to never speak of this event again to protect your friend from certain expulsion if word of his condition were to get out.” That relieved Sirius, and he could tell James, too. “Professor McGonagall has decided not to expel Mr. Black, though he will be serving detentions every evening with Caretaker Filch and will be permanently removed from the Gryffindor Quidditch team.”
Even though it was bound to be the last thing on his mind, James could add having to find a new beater in the middle of the season to his long list of reasons for hating Sirius. He would miss playing alongside James, and the detentions with Filch were bound to be miserable, but Sirius couldn’t complain. Anything was better than whatever his mother’s choice of punishment would be. And after all, he deserved it.
Dumbledore took a moment to look between the two boys and sighed. “If neither of you has anything else to say, you may go.”
James jumped up from his chair, startlingly quick. As James rushed out the door and down the hall, Sirius tried calling after him, but to no avail. He was still ignored. Sirius stood there for a moment, watching as James disappeared down the long hallway to the right before setting off in the opposite direction to their dormitory. This is where he stayed, perched on the windowsill by his bed where he and Remus had been smoking together only a day ago and watching the sky.
He couldn’t sleep. Every time he dared to close his eyes, the memory replayed of the exact moment he wished so desperately to change. It had been so easy. He was walking to meet Remus early when Snape was suddenly right there, asking questions like the nosy prick he is, going on and on about how something always seemed off about ol’ Loony Lupin, and Sirius snapped. He told Snivillus that if he was so curious and nosy, all he had to do was touch the knot at the base of the willow and walk through the tunnel. He got a good laugh out of watching Snape run to the willow when James appeared with Peter in tow.
“What’d that old bugger want this time?”
“Oh, more of the same. Asking questions about Remus. Making his snide comments. I told him if he really wanted to know what Remus got up to once a month, he should go right on through the tunnel under the willow.”
James paused. “You did what?”
“Yeah,” Sirius said, rolling his eyes, “told him how to get passed the tree and everything. That’ll give him a right scare.”
“Sirius, what the fuck were you thinking!” James shouted.
“Oh, relax. He’s so chicken he won’t even get passed the tree.” But as Sirius turned back, he saw the tree’s branches frozen and black robes disappearing into the tunnel. Sirius froze for a moment before taking off running. He didn’t get very far before James pushed him down.
“No! You stay here, you've done enough already. Pete, go get Minnie, I’m gonna try to get back Snape!” And he ran as fast as he could towards the tree.
Sirius heard Peter behind him, running in the opposite direction to the castle. Sirius stayed where he was, thoughts of immediate regret running through his head.
No, no, no. How could he be so stupid! What if Snape gets hurt? Fuck that, what about Remus? Oh no, shit, no, no, no…
A long time passed before he heard it. The first distant, drawn-out howl, echoing through the twilight…
Sirius awoke, still perched on his sill. Outside, the sky had turned a light grayish-blue shade, indicating the sun would rise soon. He jumped up, his only thoughts of Remus. He would be transforming back soon, and Poppy would be heading out to bring him up to the hospital wing. He undoubtedly had an awful night, especially without his usual companions there with him..
Sirius was headed on his way to the hospital wing, lost in thought and not paying much attention to where he was going. He knew this castle like the back of his hand from all of the Marauders’ late-night wanderings. Oh, how he would miss those. Late-night trips to the kitchens, huddled under James’s invisibility cloak. Midnight pranks carefully planned for months. Discovering secret passageways to add to the map.
These thoughts stayed with him as he neared the hospital wing entrance. James and Peter were waiting outside the door, which couldn’t be good. Poppy only made them stay outside when Remus needed extra care after a full. James was pacing back and forth, while Peter was sitting with his elbows on his knees, bouncing his leg. They took notice of Sirius’s approach quickly.
“No,” said James. “You are not going in there to see him.”
“I just need to see that he’s okay,” replied Sirius.
“Well then you can suffer, because I am not letting you in there to see him.”
“But James-”
“And I’m done hearing you out!” James was shouting again.
Madame Pomfery chose then to open the door, clearing her throat. “I just wanted you to know you could come see him now. He’s not quite awake yet, but he will be soon enough. And there will be no yelling from now on,” she said with a pointed look to James before disappearing, leaving the door open a crack.
James turned to walk through the door when Peter spoke up from his seat. “I don’t think it’d hurt to let Sirius just see that Remus is fine.”
“Stay out of this, Peter,” said James rather harshly.
“No,” said Peter, standing up. “I won’t ‘stay out of it.’ Remus is my friend too, and even though Sirius made a mistake, I think he at least deserves the peace of mind that Remus will be okay.”
James looked between Peter and Sirius, frustrated, before sighing. “Alright, fine. He gets one look. But then I want him to stay the hell away.”
Sirius took a moment, then walked past James towards the door. He mouthed a silent thank you to Peter.
“Don’t think this means anything. I’m still pissed at you,” came Peters reply.
Sirius understood, and he opened the door only a little wider than Poppy had left it. Remus was lying on one of the nearby beds. He looks so peaceful in sleep, Sirius has come to realize. As if all the stress weighing down on him has just magically disappeared. He was still wrapped with bandages in some places, and there was now a scar that traveled through the center of his face. Sirius knows he will fret about it later, but he thinks it only adds to his handsomeness. He wished so badly to be there for comfort when Remus woke up, to trace the scar with his fingers. But he knew how unwelcome he was.
“Are you done then?” James’s voice comes from behind him. Sirius let the door close again before turning around.
“Well then, off you go.” James and Peter pushed their way around Sirius to get to the door. Sirius stood there for a moment, the image of Remus in that hospital bed still fresh in his mind. He knows the news that awaits Remus and knows his reaction will not be pretty. He’s scared of what their future could contain, but he hopes things will come around eventually. Sirius took a deep breath before beginning to walk back down the hall, scared and unknowing what is to come and wishing he could change all that has gone.