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It was only once they started dating that Roy realized Jamie didn’t like being touched. Well that was probably generalizing it too much. He was still tactile at times but would often flinch if he wasn’t prepared for Roy to touch him. Roy started to notice that Jamie occasionally flinched around others too. While this didn’t make Roy feel better it did make him less worried that it wasn’t just him.
Jamie could match Roy in clinginess, they both loved to be around each other and the people that they cared about. But Jamie was less physically clingy than Roy was.
Roy was proud of himself for not jumping to conclusions and thinking that Jamie changed his mind about their relationship. Jamie told him often enough how much he loved him and loved being with him. This wasn’t a repeat of Roy’s relationship with Keeley and he wasn’t going to give up on it.
It wasn’t even the same as Keeley wanting space and not liking to cuddle. It was Jamie flinching before settling into a hug. It was him squirming away from Roy when they went to bed, but clinging to Roy in his sleep when his body and unconscious mind made the choice for him.
Roy started paying closer attention. He noticed that Jamie did still initiate contact. He seemed content with touch when he was the one initiating it. Roy could understand how that made sense.
He thought back to when Jamie was on loan to Richmond and could remember him flinching when teammates went to touch him. Jamie’s feelings didn’t mean anything to Roy at that point in time though. Roy had chalked it up to Jamie thinking he was too good for everyone else and not wanting them in his personal space. Yet there were plenty of times that Jamie was in his personal space when they tussled in the dressing room or fought each other on the pitch.
It was sometime into their relationship that Roy realized that Jamie did want to be touched, but his body didn’t always want him to be. Roy began to understand that for Jamie there was sometimes a disconnect between his body and his brain when it came to physical touch.
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Roy had stayed later at Nelson Road for a late coaches meeting, which meant that by the time he got home, Jamie’s car was in his driveway. He grabbed his bag and got out of the car, excited to spend the evening relaxing with Jamie. They didn’t have extra training that evening since they had a game the day after tomorrow and he didn’t want to overwork Jamie.
“Jamie, I’m home,” Roy called as he closed the front door behind him and took off his shoes and jacket. Jamie hadn’t replied or walked over to greet Roy within the thirty seconds of his arrival which was unusual. Roy stood still, listening to see if he could make out any noise going on in his house. He didn’t hear anything out of the ordinary or anything normal that could have meant Jamie didn’t hear him. Which made him realize it was almost too quiet. Jamie hated sitting in quiet, he almost always had on music or the telly in the background if he was alone.
Roy forced himself to take a deep breath before he panicked and ran through his own home to find Jamie and why it was so eerily quiet. He rationalized that he was possibly overreacting. Maybe Jamie had headphones on, or maybe he fell asleep and Netflix was stuck on that screen asking if you’re still watching. With his potential panic under control, Roy walked further into his house, making his way to the living room.
There were a few lights on in the living room, but the telly was off, the screen black. Jamie didn’t appear to be in the room, but upon closer inspection, Roy found him bundled up in a blanket, lying on the sofa. That in itself wasn’t abnormal, but the quietness and stillness of Jamie’s body was. He was the type of person who managed to somehow be hyperactive even in sleep. And Roy didn’t honestly know if it was better or worse if Jamie was awake right then.
Roy walked around to the front of the sofa and sat on the edge of the coffee table, facing Jamie.
Roy’s immediate instinct was to reach forward and squeeze Jamie’s shoulder, touch him in some way, reassure himself that he was flesh and bone, that he was okay. But Roy thought better of touching Jamie when he was unaware that he was about to be touched.
Since his revelations about Jamie and touch, Roy had asked his sister if touch aversion was a common trauma response, and followed it up with asking if it could still be a trauma response even if it was in response to trauma that happened a decade ago. She had responded yes to both questions. That had made Roy realize that Jamie’s renewed flinching and touch aversion made sense post-Amsterdam.
Roy clasped his hands together in front of himself, rubbing the thumb of one hand over the knuckle of the other. He oddly reminded himself of Jamie when he was nervous or worried, constantly fidgeting with his hands if not outright hiding them.
Roy leaned closer to Jamie, still making sure he wasn’t touching him. “Jamie, you awake?” Roy asked in a whisper.
Jamie whimpered at the sound of his name and Roy’s heart felt like it was breaking in his chest. It felt like an overreaction but also not at all. “It’s just me, love. I’m home now,” Roy continued. He hoped that hearing his voice would help Jamie wake up or come back to himself.
Jamie stretched a bit, his arms coming out from beneath the blanket, eyes opening slowly. “Roy?” He asked, just the one word, voice small.
“I’m right here, sweetheart,” Roy replied, “Were you sleeping?”
Jamie hummed. “Not really. I dunno. I’m tired though,” Jamie said as he adjusted himself into a seated position on the sofa. Still wrapped up in the blanket and with his knees pulled up to his chin.
“Why’re you so far away?” Jamie asked, looking at Roy with his head tilted to one side reminding Roy of an inquisitive puppy.
Roy clenched his jaw while he thought about how to respond. It wasn’t a big deal, but he knew Jamie was emotionally vulnerable and he didn’t want to say the wrong thing. “I wasn’t sure if you were awake or asleep. Didn’t want to startle you.”
“Oh, yeah. Right. Thanks,” Jamie replied in starts and stops, his words clipped. Jamie averted his eyes and Roy hated the loss of his gaze on him, even with Jamie looking as rough as he did. Roy felt like he still somehow managed to say the wrong thing. He figured fuck it, he couldn’t make things worse and he and Jamie had both come a long way when it came to talking about feelings or mental health, especially with each other.
“Jamie, what’s wrong? You don’t have to tell me, but I think I have an idea. But at least tell me you talked to Dr. Sharon.”
“Well, I texted her earlier,” Jamie said gesturing with a hand towards his phone where it lay face down on the coffee table near Roy’s thigh. “She offered to call or come over, but I knew you’d be home soon. Set an appointment to see her tomorrow though. Then just laid on the couch waitin’ for you.”
“You did really fucking good Jamie, texting Sharon, making an appointment,” Roy replied, “I’m proud of you.” Roy reached out a hand and placed it on the couch next to Jamie’s blanket-covered foot—close but still not touching.
Jamie smiled slightly and Roy was relieved to see it even if it quickly turned into a frown as Jamie’s eyebrow furrowed. “You shouldn’t have to be proud of me for that though.”
“I’m always fucking proud of you, Jamie, no matter what you do,” Roy said with conviction. He moved his hand to touch Jamie’s knee, but pulled back at the last second. He knew he was probably being too cautious amd should just fucking asking Jamie if he could touch him, but Roy was out of his element and only wanted to make Jamie feel better.
“And that, ” Jamie exploded. “You should be able to fucking touch me. I mean fuckin’ hell you’re my boyfriend.” Jamie waved his hands around then ran them through his hair, gripping the strands tightly as he tried to calm himself down. Roy waited him out, not sure what to say anyway.
Jamie lowered his hands until he was twisting them up in the blanket and biting his lip as he finally caught Roy’s gaze again.
“Like I want to touch you. I want to hug you. All the fucking time. Swear down, I wish I could just be stuck to you all the time. And in my head it’s all fine but then when I do it my body doesn’t always like it. That’s when I flinch or fidget. I don’t want strangers to touch me ever really, but you’re the farthest thing from a stranger. I don’t want to flinch around you.”
“This should have been the first thing I asked you instead of being a coward and avoiding touching you,” Roy admitted. “ Jamie, can I touch you?”
Jamie looked up at Roy with unshed tears in his eyes. He nodded slowly at first and then more enthusiastically as he whined “please.”
Roy put his hand on Jamie’s knee like he had wanted to and gave it a squeeze. Jamie covered his hand and then gripped it tightly to pull Roy closer. Roy stood up from his perch on the coffee table to clumsily sit next to Jamie on the sofa. He fell into Jamie’s side and settled his bad knee before initiating any other touch. With that done, Roy raised his arms to pull Jamie into a hug, raising his eyebrow in silent question. Jamie answered with a slight nod and they fell into each other. Jamie involuntarily flinched as Roy wrapped his arms around him, but he didn’t say anything or move away, so Roy didn’t either.
Roy felt the tension physically drain from Jamie’s body as he gripped Roy even tighter, pulled him in as close as possible. With the feeling of Jamie’s fidgeting fingers on his back, Roy breathed in the scent of Jamie’s hair as he pressed his face to the crown of his head. Jamie in turn nuzzled his face into Roy’s neck, his tears wetting Roy’s skin and shirt.
They stayed like that for a while, just clinging to each other, neither of them wanting to let go. It was as if Jamie was trying to soak up as much physical touch as he could while his body and brain were on the same page. Roy knew that Jamie would find a way to manage this just like he found a way to do anything he put his mind to. Tomorrow, Jamie would talk to Dr. Sharon about all this, which Roy knew would be hard for him since it meant having to bring up what happened in Amsterdam all those years ago, something that Roy was pretty sure Jamie only ever confided to him about. But that was tomorrow and it was up to Roy to take care of Jamie now.
“I’m gonna text my sister and tell her to bring Phoebe over tonight so she doesn’t have to drop her off in the morning,” Roy said as he rubbed his hand up and down Jamie’s arm.
“How come?” Jamie asked. “I mean I wouldn’t say no to more time with Phoebe.”
“Exactly,” Roy murmured. “You can’t spend five minutes with that kid and not smile. I’ll make us dinner. You and Phoebe can watch some fucking bullshit Disney movie, we can make a blanket fort. A proper sleepover, innit.”
“All sleep out here in the blanket fort? You’re back’s gonna love that,” Jamie remarked sarcastically. Roy was just glad to hear some more life in Jamie’s voice.
“I’ll survive. We can dig the air mattress out of the wardrobe in Phoebe’s room.”
Jamie pulled himself out of Roy's arms and crawled out from under the blanket. “Alright, you text your sister to bring Pheebs over, I’ll go round up the rest of our blankets and pillows for the fort.”
“You’re sure?” Roy asked, catching Jamie’s fingers in his hand as Jamie stood up from the sofa.
“Swear down, Royo. And you know, thank you,” Jamie said with a squeeze to Roy’s hand.
“Anytime,” Roy replied with his own squeeze to Jamie’s hand before he let go.