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I fall to my knees, screaming your name again; despite feeling the gravel underneath scratching my skin, I do nothing to heal it. I am deserving of every wound the world could give me, for I should've been the one to die, you weren't supposed to have got your breaths taken out of you so young. I should've been the one to save you, my sister, instead. Why am I living while you're not? Where is your small body rotting, while this hollow shell gets the chance to grow strong? Please, I have begged, Lord, for an answer. I can feel my chest heaving and every inhale of air burns my lungs, is it despair or love? I have been grieving for you, I have been loving what you could have been, had we not been so unfortunate. I will not ever be able to love what you’ll become, because you are no longer able to become anything new.
And everyday, I fall again. Desperately trying to reach you. Yearning for what will never come.
Oh, Good Lord, I beg of you, give me hate. Make me hate everything; everyone. Please, Lord. Stop, don't give me love, it's too heavy. Can't you see? I'm not capable of carrying anyone. Lord, please, don't give me love, I have felt too much. Can't you see where it got me? I can't feel love anymore, it has only made me miserable. Why must I suffer? The only crime I'm condemned for is for feeling too much. I shouldn't be made of feelings, why must we be made of flesh? Lord, please, answer me. Please help me, I can't carry this, it's too heavy. Can't you see what it has done to your son? What will it do to me? Please, Lord, I beg of you, don't give me love.