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Hyunwook downs the bitter taste of the Jose Cuervo shot forced into his hands in one go. He’s well past the point of pleasantly buzzed and teetering into the waters of something more familiar, a state he’s found himself in more times than he can count since…
He feels more than hears the bass of the speakers blasting in Yeon’s home. Her and Kyung were kind enough to offer to drink with him during these trying times. Although he appreciates the gesture and more so appreciates the company, the thought of a certain boy plagues his mind that drinking doesn’t seem all that enjoyable at the moment, despite the wonderful company.
He misses Jihoon. He hasn’t done anything but miss Jihoon these past few months. It kind of feels like he’s spent more time missing him than actually loving him.
“Pre. Okay ka pa?” He feels a faint pat on his shoulder and sees Kyung’s concerned face when he looks up. He looks at Yeon and sees her wearing a similar look on her face
God, he must look pathetic right now .
“Sorry.” He tries to laugh it off but it comes out garbled and sounds more like a forced cough than a laugh
“Hindi mo naman kailangan magsorry. Gets naman namin, pre. Kaya nga kami nandito ‘e.”
“Kung ako rin binreakan ni Jihoon magiging miserable ako.” Kyung tries to hide the way he drives his elbow straight into Yeon’s stomach but he sees it anyway.
Hyunwook isn’t upset, he’s actually thankful. He’s really thankful. Yeon’s right, anyway.He’s thankful for the company. He’s thankful for having friends that are so understanding. He’s thankful – but he’s also really really miserable and he’s well aware that it makes him bad company. There might as well be snot running down his nose and sobs spilling out of his mouth with the way he’s been acting tonight… and the past 95 nights before this one.
No, he’s not counting. He’s not keeping track, he swears.
He sits on Yeon’s floor like a kicked puppy with its tail tucked between his legs. He’s pretty sure there are tears waiting to spill at his lash line, just a few more drinks and the waterworks will start coming.
It was a stupid fight. Jihoon would smack him in the head if he heard me say that again , he thinks. It wasn’t supposed to turn into anything big. Couples fight. It’s normal. Looking back, he thinks that the pressure of being together was getting to him. To make matters worse, it all seemed to come so easy to Jihoon. Hyunwook, however, was starting to treat their relationship like a responsibility, like a chore, rather than something to be cherished.
Hyunwook started treating their relationship like a burden he had to carry.
3 months have passed since that night but he still remembers that miserable look on Jihoon’s face. The miserable look in his eyes. God, those beautiful eyes. He regrets everything he’s ever said. He even regrets everything he didn’t say. He regrets every single thing he’s ever done.
He looks away, plants his feet on the ground, and excuses himself to go to the bathroom. “CR lang ako sandali.”
When he reaches the bathroom at the end of the hall of Yeon’s apartment, he twists the doorknob open and locks the door behind him. He opens the faucet and feels the flow of cold water run through his fingers. He gathers some on his open palms, bends down, and splashes his face with water.
“Hyunwook, ano ba kasi talaga nangyayari? Okay naman tayo kahapon. Okay nga tayo kanina ‘e. Pwede bang diretsuhin mo nalang ako kasi hindi naman ako manghuhula para malaman ano yung problema nang hindi mo sinasabi sa’kin.” Jihoon pleads, sounding desperate. Hyunwook can recognize even through the haze of his anger.
“Wala, babe. Pagod lang.”
“Pagod? Pagod pero di mo ko matignan sa mata. ‘Di nga kita mahawakan without you flinching away every time I reach out. Parang kahit anong gawin ko kinaiinisan mo.”
“Ji… wala. Pagod lang ako. Please magpahinga nalang tayo.”
“You never want to talk to me, Hyunwook. Paano ako magpapahinga? Paano naman ako makakatulog nang mahimbing nang hindi ko alam kung ano ba talaga nangyari satin. Masaya naman tayo, diba? Bakit bigla bigla nalang nagbabago ihip ng hangin? Hindi ko na maintindihan, please.”
Hyunwook looks at him, finally. He sees watery eyes looking at him. God, those beautiful eyes. Hyunwook loves him, he knows he does. He feels it every time he so much as thinks of Jihoon, even more so when he looks at him.
So why can’t he stop hurting him?
“Jihoon…”
“For once in your life, please. Please, can you just be honest with me? Kasi pagod na pagod na ako isipin kung paano ko aayusin ‘tong kung ano mang meron pa tayo kasi mukhang ayaw mo na.”
“Babe, hindi naman sa ganon…” For the first time tonight, Hyunwook reaches out to grasp at Jihoon’s wrist, but he fights against his hold and Hyunwook can’t seem to do anything but let him go.
“Edi ano? Ayaw mo na ba? Pagod ka na ba sa’kin? May nagawa ba kong mali? May iba ka na ba? Pwede bang magpakatotoo ka nalang at sabihin mo nalang yung totoo. Please lang, Hyunwook. Pagod na pagod na rin ako hulaan kung may uuwian pa ba kong boyfriend na nagmamahal sa’kin or am I coming home to someone who acts like they want nothing to do with me. Minsan kasi pakiramdam ko pinagtitiisan mo nalang ako ‘e!”
Hyunwook feels like there’s lead wrapped around his throat because he can’t seem to say anything. He can’t seem to find the words to comfort the boy he loves. Jihoon is standing right in front of him, practically begging, and Hyunwook can’t do anything but look at him.
Is this what it feels like to lose something you used to have a perfectly good grasp of? It feels like Hyunwook is holding onto fine grains of sand but no matter how much he closes his fist, it keeps slipping through his fingers.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
He says it in his head like a mantra, like a prayer. Apparently he seems to say it out loud because Jihoon keeps talking.
“Sorry? Para saan ba? Dahil nasasaktan mo ‘ko? Dahil wala kang masabi kapag humihingi ako ng paliwanag? Para saan ba ang sorry mo, Hyunwook? Dahil hindi ko na maramdaman na mahal mo pa ko?”
“Jihoon…”
“Ano? Hindi mo madeny? Kasi hindi mo na nga talaga ako mahal? Ano, Hyunwook? Sabihin mo na. Aminin mo na. Parang awa mo na, Hyunwook. Magsalita ka naman.” Jihoon’s visibly shaking by now, tears threatening to fall. He knows that Jihoon’s trying to keep it all together even through his anger because once the tears fall, it’ll never stop. Hyunwook wants to reach out now more than ever. Pull Jihoon into his arms, soothe him, assure him that it’s going to be okay. He wants nothing more than to let Jihoon feel his embrace. He wants, and he wants, and he wants, and yet –
Hyunwook is nailed to his place and still does nothing but look at Jihoon.
“Ji…”
“Tangina naman, Hyunwook. Kahit ‘yun hindi mo pa rin kaya ibigay? Sasabihin mo nalang ‘o. ‘ Jihoon, hindi na kita mahal .’ Gaano kahirap ba ‘yun? Aaminin mo nalang, ‘o. Hindi ka na nga nagsalita, hindi ka na nga nagpaliwanag, sabihin mo manlang sakin yung totoo. Sabihin mo nalang kasi, Hyunwook. Please.”
“Ji… hindi ko na kasi ata kaya.” He sees the way Jihoon is visibly taken aback by his sudden response.
“Jihoon… mahal kita. Parang mahal pa kita. Nararamdaman ko ‘yun e. Na mahal kita. Pero parang ayoko na?” He hears his voice trail off, like he isn’t sure himself if that’s what he meant to say.
“Naiintindihan mo ba ‘yun? Mahal kita pero parang ang bigat na sa’kin ng relasyon na ‘to. Mahal kita, Jihoon, pero ang hirap pala. Pag tinitignan kita gusto kita yakapin, gusto kita halikan. Gusto kong masaya ka, Ji. Pero parang hindi ko ‘yun kaya ibigay sayo.”
“Ano?” He sees it. He sees the first tear drop from Jihoon’s eyes, right before he rapidly wipes it away.
“Parang ayoko na. Gusto ko rin naman maging maayos na boyfriend, Ji. Pero parang ayoko rin? O baka hindi ko kaya? Ang bigat. Ang laking responsibilidad. Parang kahit anong gawin ko hindi magiging sapat? Ewan ko. Nakakapagod.”
“Are you saying I asked for too much? Grabe grabe ba talaga yung hiningi ko sayo?”
Hyunwook knows it’s not true. Jihoon never asked him for anything he couldn’t give. Jihoon’s probably the most understanding boyfriend on the face of the earth. He gladly takes what Hyunwook can give and never complains. Hyunwook could tell Jihoon that he had nothing else to give and he’d still accept him with open arms and a comforting smile.
So why can’t Hyunwook stop hurting him?
He knows Jihoon could never ask for too much. He barely asks for anything at all.
“Oo.” So why is he lying to Jihoon? Why is he lying to himself?
“Huh.” It wasn’t a question. Hyunwook knows it wasn’t. Jihoon’s done asking him question. Jihoon’s done trying to make sense of Hyunwook’s nonsensical behavior. Jihoon’s done trying to draw answers from Hyunwook. He has this look of defeat on his face that Hyunwook has come to know so well. You’re bound to get used to the quirks and mannerisms of someone you love, and Hyunwook does love Jihoon, even if he can’t make Jihoon feel that.
Hyunwook doesn’t say anything more. Doesn’t think he can say anything more. He wants this to be over. He doesn’t want it to end.
Once again, like a mantra, he says in his head:
I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
Hyunwook looks up to look at himself in the bathroom mirror. He wipes the water from his eyes, and feels cold droplets of water trickling down his face. The splash of cold water does nothing to help him in his drunken state. He’s past the point of help – maybe in more ways than one.
He replays the last time he ever saw Jihoon standing in his apartment. He recalls the look on his face. The downtrodden look Jihoon was wearing. The way he froze up when he heard Hyunwook’s response. The tears that streamed down his face. His eyes. God. Those beautiful eyes.
Hyunwook closes his eyes and the droplets of water running down his face suddenly feel warmer than before. He pulls a few pieces of paper towel from the side of the sink and wipes his face. When he pulls his hands away, he oddly feels like his cheeks are still wet. There are still droplets running down his face and – oh .
He’s crying.
He thinks that this is a new low, even for him. He’s drunk off his ass, face wet with tears, all while he’s locked inside his friend’s bathroom.
He thinks about Jihoon – which isn’t new, because he’s always thinking about Jihoon.
He thinks about the last time he touched Jihoon. He thinks of the night Jihoon looked at him for the last time. He thinks about the things he said – the things he didn’t say. He thinks of the boy he hurt. He thinks about all the things he could’ve done to fix it. He thinks about Jihoon and he thinks about the biggest loss he’s ever experienced.
He thinks about the last night he had with Jihoon, the last night he ever got to call him his, the night he left Hyunwook alone in his apartment and he thinks that was the lowest point in his life. The lowest he’ll ever reach was the night when he lost the love of his life. Crying in Yeon’s bathroom doesn’t even compare to the all time low he reached when he and Jihoon broke things off.
He opens the faucet again, gathers water in his hands, and splashes some on his face. Suddenly, he’s more aware of the heavy weight sitting on the back pocket of his jeans. He wipes his hands haphazardly on the side of his pants and reaches for his phone. He taps his phone screen twice and an old picture of Jihoon greets him when it lights up.
Hyunwook thinks about it. He thinks about it once. He’ll say he thinks about it twice if anyone asks. And then he decides. Fuck it .
As a final act of selfishness, he dials Jihoon’s number. His fingers move swiftly through the keypads of his phone, and he types in Jihoon’s phone number. He doesn’t need to look through his contacts to know his number, he recites it to himself sometimes, just to appease himself – just to comfort himself with the thought of still having a piece of Jihoon despite already losing him. He presses the phone to his ear and listens intently to the ringing of the line – like listening better will make Jihoon pick up the phone.
Hyunwook presses the balls of his palms into his eyes and feels another wave of tears build up. He sniffles and wipes at his nose like a petulant child. The world isn’t spinning as much as it initially did when he entered the bathroom, so that’s a good sign, but he still feels like his body temperature is higher than normal, so he knows he’s still a bit intoxicated. Which isn’t a surprise because they did drink quite a lot.
The dial tone starts to feel comforting and grounding with how long it’s been going on. He’s determined to let it ring until the line drops, even the lack of response feels comforting to him because this is probably the closest he’s been to Jihoon since their break up. The only thing separating them is the dial tone, and Hyunwook thinks that this really is the closest he’ll ever get, when suddenly –
“ Hello? ”
“Jihoon?” Hyunwook perks up and stands from where he was previously seated. He holds his breath while waiting for Jihoon’s response in fear that even the slightest sound from Hyunwook will draw him away.
“Hyunwook? ”
Hyunwook thinks he has nothing else to lose. Jihoon’s the only thing he’s ever had, the only thing ever worth keeping. He gathers all the courage he has left in him, sets aside the shame that’s starting to settle well within the crevices of his chest and asks –
“Jihoon, pwede pa ba? Pwede pa ba tayo?”