Chapter Text
Charlie:
I can see him falling. I can see him falling and yet he doesn’t let me catch him. Because him falling for her. He doesn’t need my help.
I still have his sweater in my closet. I haven’t given it back, because I know it will be hers soon. I know it will sit in her closet like it sat in mine, and she will cherish the way it smells of him like I do, and by the time she gives it back it will smell like her. And its just a stupid jumper, but I can’t. I can’t let go of this small piece of him.
It was raining. And I had come over without a jumper, insisting I didn’t get cold. I had been terribly wrong; in those moments I was freezing my ass off, and too stubborn to say anything. He had ushered me inside and laughed at me mercilessly. We made it up to his bedroom when he threw me the jumper, which had been hanging over his desk chair. “change. You’re sopping wet and look ridiculous.”
“I’m fine.” I told him, taking a seat on his chair and spinning a few times.
“For fucks sake Charlie, stop being so stubborn. Your lips are turning blue.”
Aaron scowled at me, so I changed, pulling on his jumper. I didn’t want to admit that I was cold, but his jumper was much warmer.
“Good.” He said approvingly, and for a second, I thought there was something there. For a second, his eyes lingered on mine. Just a second too long. “Its fits you better than it fits me.”
I laughed.
“Keep it.”
“What?”
“Keep it.”
“I don’t need it. I don’t get cold, remember.”
Aaron snorted, “right.”
“right.” We lapsed into comfortable silence, and started taking out our books. He never asked for it back.
And now, I’m watching him as he’s watching Heather. I’m looking at him as he’s looking into Heather’s eyes. As his arm wraps around her waist as we walk, such a comfortable gesture. I see Annie watching as well; Heather’s friend. I look away a second too late, to find Annie now staring at me. A quiet understanding passes between us. God this is horrible, for both of us really.
I can’t help wishing that was me. I can’t help it. I’ve tried so hard to forget the way his eyes brighten when he laughs, the way the stray pieces of blonde hair covers those sea blue eyes when he’s studying. Heather isn’t the one who realises when he forgets to eat before tests, who realised that he wasn’t forgetting. But he wouldn’t talk to me about it. I had to tell his mother. I had to tell Heather that the reason he didn’t eat her good luck cookies wasn’t because he was mad at her. It was because, even though he never told me, it was because he felt so sick with nerves he thought he was going to vomit.
And I can’t help thinking about how he teases me for poking out my tongue when I concentrate. And I’ve tried to forget that feeling that fills my chest when I score a goal and he crash tackles me in a way of congratulations. I try to forget it because he’s not gay. And he loves Heather.
So I spend the rest of the day staring at my textbooks and laughing at the jokes Heather makes, because she’s funny, and we’re friends even when Aaron isn’t around, even though sometimes I wished I had never introduced them. Because of course I did. And I pretend. I pretend I pretend I pretend. Because having a crush on your best friend is bad. Especially when your best friend is already dating someone else.
And then I go home and take the jumper out from my closet and put it on and turn on my record player and stare some more at my textbook and try not to think about the fact that he cancelled on soccer practice because Heather asked him to go see a movie he doesn’t even like.
I sit there, in his jumper, and try to forget that it’s his.
Annie:
Heather doesn’t understand. Neither does Aaron. I think Charlie might, I can sometimes see it in his eyes when he looks at Aaron. That sad look he gets when Heather’s around but he thinks no one is watching. I don’t get what she sees in Aaron anyways. Charlie would be better for her, and yet he’s shunned to the side, forced to watch as his best friend gets with the girl he’s crushing on. Its so obvious, and honestly, I would root for them if Heather and Aaron weren’t already together. Because Aaron? He’s cute, but that’s about it. I can’t like him after knowing how many times Heather has cried over him in my bedroom. Because I know they’re happy, but I also know that Heather bakes for him before exams and he doesn’t eat it. I know that she saw him empty the cookies she made for him into a bin after offering one to Charlie instead. I was there listening when she cried about the fact that those cookies were for Aaron, not Charlie, not the bin.
And yes, maybe Heather was overreacting about the cookies. But I would have eaten them.
I tell her this much and she gives a sniffly laugh. She thinks I’m joking.
But its true. I could be a better boyfriend than Aaron Heathcliff.
I wouldn’t have left her standing at prom alone when all the other couples were slow dancing. I could tell how hard she was trying not to cry, tipping her head back and blinking ferociously as to make sure her mascara and eyeliner didn’t smudge. She looked so pretty in that makeup and dress, which was an eyecatching pink. At first when she told me she was wearing pink I was sceptical, but Heather was a vision that night. A vision that Aaron Heathcliff stood up. She stood in the corner and watched as everyone else whispered to their partners, and swayed with the music. We hadn’t seen Aaron all night. He just hadn’t turned up. He hadn’t even come to the preparty. So I dragged Heather out onto the floor and we danced together, and when the lights shined right I could see the tears welling in her eyes, so I asked her, “I’m not that ugly, am I?” She gave me a sniffly laugh and we spent the rest of the night together. We managed to find Charlie halfway through, and surprisingly, Heather didn’t ask about Aaron. The rest of the night he was forgotten. Good riddance, honestly. I don’t understand how Charlie could be friends with such a jerk.
Afterwards, Aaron texted and apologised profusely and came to her house with flowers. He had been horribly sick, something like food poisoning. He still could have texted beforehand to tell her he wouldn’t be there. Heather would have ditched prom to sit with him, even if he was a nauseous mess. I would have done the same for Heather, at least. Because I know Heather. I know how she feels. And when I don’t know how she feels she tells me. I can cry with her, I can relate to her. I can be her friend and her confidante. I don’t love Heather like that, not actually, but I know I, like many others, could do a better job than Aaron Heathcliff.
The boy who made her cry over cookies.
The boy who ditched her at prom.
The boy who she loves.
Heather:
I’m watching and waiting for it to happen. I see the looks they give each other when we’re all walking together. They’re quick, but there. Aaron laughs whenever I mention it, but I’m dead serious. Truly, I can see Annie and Charlie. I don’t understand why honestly, but I can see how they want each other. I don’t know why they aren’t already together, honestly, they know me and Aaron wouldn’t have a problem with it. Then we could go on double dates instead of group hangouts where they awkwardly chat.
Aaron smiles as me as we walk up to chemistry. He has biology, so splits off down the path a bit, blowing me a stupid little kiss as we part. I smirk and Annie and I keep walking. “I would have walked you to class if I were him.” Annie mutters to me, poking me in the ribs.
“Oh shut up, we’re all going to be late anyways.”
Plus, Aaron’s teacher is super strict. He’s told me he’s on Mrs finch’s good side and that’s where he wants to stay. I’ve told him his days are numbered. And he would just laugh at me.
I was the one who asked him out, a fact that very much surprises people when I tell them. We were out at the movies with Charlie, who insisted that we meet. I had thought he was cute for a while honestly, and we were slowly becoming friends. Charlie had to go early, saying his mum needed him to pick up his sister, leaving me and Aaron. After the movie, Aaron and I walked around the shops for a while, shit talking the movie and eating ice cream. Honestly, it felt so natural, and then he offered to drive me home, and I had said yes. And then when I was about to get out of the car I had the inexplicaible urge to lean forwards. I watched as Aarons eyes fluttered down to my lips, his ocean blue eyes. And then I kissed him. Aaron startled for a second, and I pulled away. “oh my god.” I said.
“What?” Aaron blinked at me frowning.
“I just kissed you.”
He gave me a small smile, “You did.” His eyes seemed to light up a bit. “do you regret it.”
“No. I mean, yes, but. Only if you do.”
“I don’t.” He whispered, as the first few drops of rain started to fall on the windscreen. His fingers were featherlight as they brushed over my cheek, and he leant forwards and kissed me.
And that is how I came to love Aaron Heathcliff.
Aaron:
God this is pathetic. Sitting here while Ms Finch drone on and on about organisms and cells and whatnot like I’m actually listening and not praying that she doesn’t pick me to give an answer. I’m screwed if she does.
“How do you do that?” Charlie whispers next to me, and a few of the girls give us annoyed looks. We ignore them, because its not like we’re talking over the teacher. It takes me a second for me to realise the pen I’m spinning over my fingers. I shrug. It’s more of a nervous habit than a talent. “Its easy, you just-”
“Aaron. Could you repeat what Izzy just said?”
Shit.
“Ooo.” I hear Josh and David chorus.
“I dunno miss.” I say.
“Hm. Izzy would you repeat what you said so that those who weren’t listening can hear.”
I honestly feel bad for Izzy. I swear to god, I do, but I don’t hear it the second time because my ears are starting to ring.
“You good?” David asks.
“Fine.”
“Mr Heathcliff, again. Could you tell me what’s so important right now that you’re ignoring my teaching.”
“Nothing miss.”
“Well it must be something important.”
It really isn’t. Only the fact that exams are creeping closer and I know I won’t be able to relearn any of this content if I don’t learn it now, except I can’t seem to focus. Only the fact that I probably would be failing if Charlie wasn’t talking me through every practice exam and Heather wasn’t coming over each weekend with a stack of highlighters and notebooks and putting on stupid rom-coms on in the background and insisting she can’t study at hers since its too loud.
Josh elbows me, and I realise Ms Finch is still waiting for an answer. “Just thinking about exams miss.”
Its true enough.
We get out of class and David knocks into me, “What was all that about?”
I shove my hands in my pockets to try get the shaking under control. I don’t need a repeat of prom at school, but I can already taste bile in my throat. Charlie’s giving me that look again, where he knows something is wrong. “Whatcha got for lunch?” He asks everyone. I know he’s asking me. Sneaky bastard’s trying to make sure I’m still eating.
“Pizza.” I start taking out my lunch.
“Sandwich.” David pulls a face.
“Going to the canteen.” Josh says, and David joins him almost immediately. He’s a vulture, that one, tagging along hoping he might get some spoils.
“You sure you’re okay?”
“Fine.” I’d told him the exact same thing sitting on the cold bathroom tiles, puking my guts up on prom night, in my fancy suit. Fucking anxiety. I was so nervous about going for no reason. I was looking forwards to going. But nooooo, I started feeling sick. I couldn’t eat for fear I would be sick. And then I did eat anyways. And then I did vomit.
Charlie came over before and I almost hate him for it. Almost. Mum let him in without any questions. He sat down next to me on the bathroom floor. “You look like shit.” He told me. Like I didn’t already know. I just nodded and it was surprising how quickly Charlie became serious. “This all because of tonight?”
Of course it was all because of tonight. It was because I was nervous for no reason the night before and that day the thought of speaking to anyone was stressful as fuck. And Heather would be there, looking pretty in her dress and I had no idea how I was going to spend the entire night dancing with her and talking to her when I knew that I was going to break up with her soon. There was absolutely no way I could keep it together while in a relationship. I would have to lie to her face the entire night. So I nodded at Charlie. Yes, it was because of tonight.
And then I turned back to the toilet bowl and retched again. Charlie winced. “Mkay. Not going?”
“Nope. Heather’s going to cry.”
Charlie stayed silent for a while longer. “She’ll be right. Let’s focus on you not puking your guts up first.”
God, he made it sound so simple. “I’ll be fine.” I told him, “Go enjoy your night.” Charlie looked at me uncertainly. “I’m fine. Its not like I’m actually sick or anything.”
Honestly, the only way I managed to convince him to go to prom was that Annie and Heather and Josh and David would be worried and wouldn’t believe the lie that I had food poisoning if we were both away. He finally agreed and left. And my mum came in and stroked my hair while I cried on the bathroom floor.
Charlie gives me another look. I still haven’t broken up with Heather. She was too sad after prom for me to drop another bombshell on her like that. I take a bite of my pizza. “I’m going to fail biology.”
“Same mate.” David flops down, having now acquired an ice cream for accompanying Josh on his harrowing journey to the canteen. I know he's not going to fail though, he's the smartest out of us all. He just says it to make us all feel better. “How’s Heather?”
I pause for a second. “She’s Heather. Still working at the café, still watching that series. Can’t remember its name but its actually pretty okay.”
David shrugs, “sure mate.” He turns to Josh, “And Ruby?”
Ruby and Josh are complicated. Constantly on and off. By the way Josh shoots David a dark look and doesn’t elaborate, I’d say they’re off again.
“Mum’s saying I should study more.” David complains, changing the subject quite unsubtly. I groan. Back to the subject of school again.
“Your mum’s always saying you should study more.” Josh points out. He looks quite high and mighty for someone who got so many academic concern emails home that he changed the email registered with the school so they rerouted to him instead. He claims his parents already have enough to deal with. I’m not entirely sure about that, but its not really my place to press. Charlie sighs, “Wish we could graduate already.”
And just like that I’m panicking. Because what am I going to do once we finish school? Am I going to university? Am I going to TAFE? Should I get an apprenticeship? Maybe I should just start a full time job? But I wont be able to do any of that if my grades are still this shit by the time we graduate. I have a year to pick them back up. And just like that I can feel my palms begin to sweat and my heartbeat picks up and there feels like someone has shoved a rock in my ribcage and its pushing against my lungs. I blink a few times very fast and try my hardest to shake the feeling away. I put my food down. Charlie looks at me strangely. Josh and David haven’t noticed, or pretend not to, too busy talking about their plans for the holidays and whether or not David should drop extension maths. He’s scored in the twenties for the last three tests. I’m glad that I chose regular maths. The bells goes entirely too soon and I’m back sitting in a classroom doing chemistry and trying to ignore Josh, who’s swearing under his breath every two seconds as he looks at the worksheet. I feel the same way. And then the bell goes again and its time to go home thank god. I don’t think I would be able to survive another period.
And then I’m thinking again, lying on my bed staring at the ceiling and thinking.
Annie hates me.
Heather loves me.
Charlie worries entirely too much about me.
Josh and David are clueless about everything.
And the weight in my chest is getting heavier by the second.
Josh:
Mum hasn’t realised thank goodness. She thinks I've cleaned up my grades. She thinks I’m getting straight A’s for gods sake. She thinks I’m still with Ruby.
She works night shift at the hospital most of the time, so I’m mostly left to my own devices. It’s better than staying with dad. I’m staring at my chemistry homework and I still have no idea what I’m doing, and I’m starting to think that whoever came up with this bullshit was lying and everyone believed it because they had no intention of actually trying to understand it themselves. David is dropping out of maths, so I’ll be alone in that, but at least I understand it well enough. I’ve been trying to tutor him, but he’s absolutely hopeless. Not when he starts to talk about Ruby and I, or the whole Charlie Aaron Heather triangle. I genuinely could not give a shit about Ruby right now. I’ve managed to get rid of her and I’m hoping it lasts that way. I’m hoping she doesn’t come up with some bullshit excuse again that makes me feel like a shit human being and take her back. I’m really hoping.
My phone dings. I really don’t want to pick it up, so of course I do.
Ruby: hey can we talk.
Josh: No.
Ruby: Why don’t you ever listen?
Ruby: Stop ignoring me.
Ruby: Josh
Ruby: I know you’re reading this.
Ruby: I’m sorry okay? It was unfair of me to say those things to you. I miss you Josh. Please. I’m ready to give you another chance.
Josh: Give me another chance?
I can’t help myself from typing back. I know I really should just block her. But then she’ll go crying to Annie and Heather, and then Heather will start hating on Aaron for being friends with me, and I really don’t want to screw up their relationship.
Ruby: I saw you with David that day. I’m not stupid.
Right. That day. The one where David gave me a hug and blew a kiss.
Josh: It was a joke. You hug and kiss your friends all the time.
Ruby: But I’m not bi.
And we’re back to square one.
Josh: See I always forget you’re homophobic.
Ruby: Oh go kys.
I blink at my phone. Its not the first time she’s typed that. Sometimes I wonder if she actually means it. I’m sure she doesn’t. Still, it hurts.
Josh: That’s fucked.
And I block her. And I know I’ll unblock her after a day, but still. It feels good. Like taking a shower after a long day at school or after going for a run. I feel clean. I go and grab myself a piece of bread from the kitchen and flop down onto the couch. Now I just have to actually do this stupid fucking homework.
David:
Honest to goodness I’m just sitting here with a bag of popcorn. I just walked home with Charlie, who was lamenting over the fact that he never should have introduced Heather to Aaron. He’s hopelessly in love. Honestly, I feel bad for anyone in a relationship right now. I have had to hear about Aaron’s eyes and how he laughs and how Heather is perfect for him and yet isn’t enough times that I know the script and know the exact places to ‘yeah’ and ‘I know right’ without actually listening.
“He’s such a loser.” Annie tells me over the phone, while we both scribble down half formed thoughts for English. I don’t really know why we do face-times when half the time her camera is over her shoulder giving me a view of her impeccably clean room. I wish I had that kind of patience. “I mean, sorry. I know Aaron’s your friend but let me vent, okay?”
I’ve been letting people do that a lot lately.
“Mhm.” I tell her, trying to figure out whether the red in the image is symbolic of patriotism, anger and violence or bravery and courage. I honestly don’t know how I’m topping English. I just write down random colour symbolism shit and the teachers eat it up. I check my messages to see if Aaron’s texted. He’s been sending through a few little rants about how biology sucks and whether he can have my notes from today. I take a picture and send them as Annie continues,
“So like, he makes her cry one day, and then he apologises and she acts like nothing happened. Like, what?”
“Well Heather isn’t exactly to great to him either.” I point out. Another text from Aaron, something about Heather. Its gone before I can read it properly and I can’t be bothered opening it yet.
There’s a pause. “Elaborate?” I chew on the end of my highlighter for a second, reading the same sentence for a sixth time and trying to get the vibe.
“They’ve been dating a whole year and she hasn’t realised Aaron has anxiety.”
Annie is silent again. I look up. Shit. Did I really just tell her that? Shit shit shit. Aaron’s gonna kill me. He didn’t even tell me I just guessed, really.
I pick up my phone to check Aaron’s messages, but Josh’s texted me too,
Just broke up with Ruby.
More like he blocked her again. She prolly told him to kill himself again.
God this friend group is fucked.
:)