Archive of Our Own ^beta

“Do you want to know why I’m mad?” You say. “Because I don’t think you actually get it.”

“Because I’m a monster.” Pierrot said, and you can feel your heart break at the note of pain in their voice. Old, dulled pain, the kind that comes from leaving a wound to heal over with the blade still trapped inside. Festering and teeming with loss.

A quick puff of air escapes your lips, the ember of anger in your chest burning low. Annoyance surges instead, at the fact you can never stay mad at him. “Oh Pierrot.” You said, blowing out through your nose. “That’s not why I’m angry.”

Honestly, you wished that being angry was something simple and clean, and not an uneasy mix of sadness and anger that churned in your chest.

Pierrot pulls away as you reach closer, and the crack in your heart becomes a break when you see him flinch. As if instead of seeing an open palm reaching forward out of care, he only sees an open palm ready to smack.

You pull away, fold your hands against your knees.

“Pierrot.” You said, almost whispering. “You said once that it never mattered how I looked, only my soul.”

It had taken you a long time to believe it. To believe that someone could fall for you on such a- a different level. You had slowly fallen in love with yourself over the years, learned appreciation for every feature and to enjoy the view in the mirror. Because it was you, truly and wholly you, and didn’t being alive deserve love for yourself?

But even love for yourself, didn’t mean you expected others to look past appearance because it just felt… off. To find someone so devoted.

But, Pierrot had a way of making you blush and stammer with their total and whole hearted devotion. Every word and action constantly reaffirming that it never mattered how you looked, only that they had fallen in love with your soul instead.

They had whispered it to you once, back in the beginning. One of his quieter statements, a habit you realized he had soon after you met. A tendency to simply speak quickly and not repeat, as a way to express himself without you knowing.

A moment of kindness. Learning all your quirks. Never getting scared away. Pierrot was determined to know you from the inside out.

Pierrot nods. They aren’t speaking much still, and you bite your lip, biting back angry words you know Pierrot would take in pain lashing out at him instead of anger at what drove him to this point.

Harlequin’s story. That they weren’t truly real to those people, just freak show acts.

“What hurts.” You said, your hand lowering without a touch from where it had been frozen. “Is that despite knowing me, you think I’m incapable of being the same.”

Pierrot jerks. Golden eyes finally, finally, look up to meet yours.

“That despite… everything.” And there’s a whole lot in that word. You would still be grappling a bit with the stalking issue. It was flattering and terrifying in equal measures. “You think that I’m incapable of looking past appearances. That I would be cruel or vain or, or- whatever.”

“Dearest, no. I would never think low of you.” Pierrot insists. “My true form-“

“Is Pierrot.” You said firmly. “Still Pierrot. No change of form can hide that gushy, mushy interior. I can see you, jingling away there still. I can see your love of sweets and how you always relax by sharpening your knives and the way you pouted when Harlequin gave you those sour candies and the angry face you make when you fight and all the little tiny things I’ve learned about you.”

This time, pressing forward. You reach out, pulling the changed face of your Pierrot forward. Pressing your forehead to theirs.

“Why can’t you believe that I love you all the same?” You whispered. Your heart still shook with the sting, the lack of trust, and you understood and despised it in equal measures.

The rational side of you cried about the reasons behind it. The wilder side only felt the pain of having someone you loved believe you would throw it all away.

Claws. Settling in on your cheek, and you leaned into the warm touch of Pierrot’s hand. It’s shaking. They hold you like they’re afraid you’ll shatter under the touch.

“Are you not afraid?”

“I suppose I could be.” You said. It was the natural, instinctive reaction to be afraid of such a creature. You would be surprised to discover that your genetics didn’t have tons of little flashing signs engineered through years of pressure to flee such a creature. “But I’ve been afraid of humans too, and I know you would never hurt me.”

If it was one thing that had carried your relationship through all the revelations, it was that knowledge, etched into your bones. Pierrot would never hurt you.

Not unless you wanted him to.

“But can you believe that I won’t hurt you too?” You said. Half challenge and half hope. Asking for trust that hadn’t needed to be verbally asked for before.

Some might find this symbolic, a human asking for the trust of a monster. You only found it to be a prayer. A plea.

A moment passed.

A second.

Unbidden, thoughts rose to your mind. What to do if the answer was no. Cry? Leave? Pretend that the circus was in the past, pretend like you knew nothing again, and your heart wasn’t left at the foot of the bed?

All of those options sounded awful. But more awful would be realizing that you lost him forever. That you would walk down the street with no shadow at your side, have to pass by the flyers and pretend like you didn’t want so badly to run back to him-

Warmth. On the other side of your face. Pierrot pulled you in closer, and you opened your eyes into pure gold.

“Oh, dearest, you don’t know what you do to me.” Pierrot said, and your heart swoops a little at seeing their smile. Different now, but their smile all the same. Sharp teeth and loving, a pink blush spreading over their face. “You- oh you are perfect.”

“And you are too.” You whispered back. They didn’t believe you quite yet, you could see it easily.

“And mine. All mine. They said, oozing contentment, and warmth spreads through your cheeks as you pull them in for a kiss.

He might not believe it yet.

But that’s okay.

You’d just keep saying it until they did.