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He made it six cycles before he came to find me again. I was already in the cargo room.
Look, I’d realised it was relatively undisturbed—it was mostly being used as long-term storage space and no one really went in very often, especially not late at night like it was now—and there was something comfortable about it. I could enter and leave it at any time I liked so it didn’t feel as weird as actually travelling in a cargo hold again would feel nowadays, but it still felt… familiar? I was glad no humans had noticed and asked me about it because I don’t think I could have explained it to them.
Well, Gurathin had noticed, because he was here, but he didn’t ask me to explain. He just stood in the doorway and looked at me. I didn’t look at him. I’d put up my own cameras in the cargo room for that.
He didn’t say anything at first. I guess he wanted me to magically divine what he wanted rather than say it out loud.
(Okay, I knew what he wanted already, he wanted the same deal as last time, but I wanted to hear him say it.)
“Same deal as last time?” he said eventually, sounding annoyed at having to do so.
I turned my head in his direction slightly. “Are you in danger of harming yourself, Dr. Gurathin?”
His eyebrows scrunched into a scowl. “No. I just. Would like it. If. It… happened again. If… you didn’t mind.”
Painful. That had taken some effort. He looked more tired, less put together than last week. I'd guessed he might come back but I didn't really understand why—but making him explain any further would be excruciating for the both of us, so instead I just walked over to him and grabbed the front of his pullover. He gave a small gasp at that, but followed my lead as I guided him to sit back down on the crate I'd had him on last time. While I went to fetch the orange tie-down straps from the cubby they were kept in, I watched through the camera as he shifted a little before resting his back against the support pillar.
I figured he'd gotten himself comfortable, so I began to tie him up as I'd done before. Getting the straps around him and the pillar required leaning into his space a little. I noticed that his heart rate was elevated, and his breathing very light like he was holding it. I pulled the strap tight around his shoulders, but before I looped the last part of it across his face to gag him, something occurred to me.
"What do you get out of this?" I asked. "Is it a sex thing?"
Oh, please don't let it be a sex thing. I'd been pretty sure it wasn't last time, but humans are very good at turning non-sex things into sex things, somehow.
"No!" Gurathin shuddered against his restraints—not hard enough to shift the grip I had on them, but it was a disturbed enough reaction that I entirely believed him. "No, I wouldn't ask you—not that. If… Any physical reactions on my part are not… voluntary. They don't mean I want… No, SecUnit. No." He didn't seem so much distressed as a little annoyed and insulted. Well, that was fine. I relaxed.
"Then what is it?" I wasn't really sure why I kept asking. The layers of human feelings making this whatever it was for Gurathin weren't actually interesting to me, but it was like I'd found a loose wire somewhere, and couldn't quite resist the urge to tug at it until it popped free and broke something.
"I just… want you to take control for a bit. You don't need me to fucking explain it to you."
He was right, I didn't, but hey—he asked me to take control. Gurathin expected me to make the decisions as to what happens here? Fine, then I would be the one to decide whether or not this conversation was over. I gave the wire a big tug.
"Dr. Gurathin," I said, looming over him. "I am requiring you to make and maintain eye contact."
His expression got kind of furious at having those words turned on him. He did it, though, tilting his face to look up at me very slowly, like it was causing him physical pain. But there was no governor module forcing him to do it. He was doing it because I'd told him to, and he'd obeyed. I found that… something.
(Of course it meant I had to meet his eyes too, but it never felt so bad when I knew it was annoying him. Either way, I was too busy trying to hide that I was experiencing an emotion to worry about the eye contact.)
"Dr. Gurathin, I am ordering you to explain what benefit you are getting from this, as it is not the hypothetical scenario we discussed before."
I was becoming ever more certain that the story he'd come to me with last week had only been an excuse—perhaps not entirely a lie, but some easy way to persuade me to do this. I didn't want to care about his reasons but the truth was that without them I couldn't entirely convince myself that I wasn't causing him harm in some way. My risk assessment module was doing some sort of stuttering thing, and who the fuck knew what that meant.
The wire snapped.
Gurathin's face crumpled. "I'm tired," he forced out, his eyes going weak and watery even as they didn't leave my own. "I'm just so fucking tired. I spent my entire life in Corporation Rim scared and paranoid. I couldn’t trust anyone. Every mistake I made put me further under their thumb. And it didn’t go away after I came to Preservation. This team, I know them and trust them and I still don’t like to be looked at, I’m still quiet and on edge in case someone’s watching and waiting for me to fuck up. And it’s just been worse since the survey, since… everything that happened. I’m just tired. I want to let it go."
Paranoia I understood intimately—I didn't so much understand how the tying up tied in to that, but Gurathin's eyes had started leaking down his face and he looked utterly miserable, so I told him to close his eyes. He did so immediately and while I knew it was because both of us wanted not to be looking at each other any more, it still felt surprisingly nice that he did so right away without arguing.
"Good," I said softly, and he gave a shaky exhale, head rocking forward a little but the straps holding his body in place.
I felt like I was on the edge of figuring it out, but it still wasn't quite adding up. "If you're tied up, you're completely vulnerable. You have no way at all to protect yourself." Oh. Even as I said it I was starting to get it. "Not even you being quiet and paranoid can give you a sense of safety now. You’re outsourcing it entirely to me. You asshole."
All right, so I was a little indignant. The fear of self-harm thing was straightforward for me to understand but it had been a fiction. Something even an idiot murderbot could get its head around. What he actually wanted was more fundamental. Like he was bundling up his entire well-being and shoving it into my hands for a bit.
Eh. Human lives are in SecUnit hands all the time. It's kind of what we're for. They're just not always this cooperative about it.
"If you don't want—" he began, his voice wet and croaky.
"Stop talking." I pulled the strap across his mouth to gag him, and his teeth closed awkwardly around the tough fabric with a muffled whimper. I paused, and received a tap in the feed—no verbal communication, just the virtual equivalent of a thumbs-up. I hadn't hurt him. And he hadn't spoken, like I'd told him. That was… something. Again.
I still had some slack left in the tie-down strap so I wrapped it once more round the pillar and brought it across his eyes for good measure, then fastened off the end. It didn't really do anything—his eyes were already closed and if he wanted to open them and shuffle out of it he could—but it was… symbolic? I don't know what word I'm looking for there. Whatever. It wasn't particularly artistic but something about it was satisfying to look at. Gurathin's breathing had evened out as well. His pulse was racing but he seemed almost peaceful—like a captive resigned to his awful fate right before a dramatic rescue scene.
I hadn't hurt him. But I did still need to assure him that I wanted to do this.
Huh.
I really did want to do this.
(I mean, why else was I going along with it, when it involved so much gross human feelings shit, with Gurathin no less? It was because I was enjoying myself. Believe me, that came as some surprise to me too.)
"I like it when a human follows my orders," I told him, leaning in to speak close to his ear. "Without fucking thinking they know better." Gurathin gave an exhale that might have been a laugh but he was too wrung out to properly give it voice. "I like it when they follow my orders because they know I won't order them to do something that harms them. I'm here to keep you from harm and that goes so much better when you do as you're told. I like having you tied up like this, because you're so much easier to look after, and you can't do anything stupid to yourself or anyone else. You're safe. And I like it when my humans are safe."
Gurathin sagged into his bonds with a small groan, and even with his eyes closed I saw fresh tears leave a sheen on the tops of his cheeks. Well, shit. That was the second time I'd made that happen tonight—and yeah, I was being mean the first time but I really hadn't meant to the second time. I tapped his feed and he tapped back. It's okay. I thought it was fucking awful, but okay then.
I sat on the crate next to him again. Thanks to my stupid decision to cover his eyes, there wasn't any point in projecting media on the wall this time—well, not visual media at any rate. After a moment's consideration I brought up the soundtrack to an ocean world documentary I'd seen one time. The documentary had been dull, but I'd liked the music. It was soothing without being too boring.
I let it play for a while as Gurathin heaved silent sobs into his restraints a few times, then began to calm, rocking a little to the side as he relaxed into them. I continued to monitor his vitals, but it was a little different this time. He didn't seem to be entering the deeply relaxed state he had done before, or at least not in the same way. He'd settled, but he was all shivery, even when he stopped crying.
It was stressing me out, so I faded out the music after a while and untied him. He leaned his head in his hands while I pulled the tie-down straps out of the way, then I prodded him back upright to better assess the situation. He was a mess, even after scrubbing his sleeves across his face to soak up most of the fluids. (Ew.)
"Dr. Gurathin…" I began, not sure how to continue. "Are you…?"
My face must have been doing something particularly concerning. "It's all right, SecUnit," he said wetly through what looked like it was supposed to be a smile but didn't quite get there. He was still shivering. "Don't worry."
"Did I… Should I…" I was completely lost. I had no idea what to do in this situation, to the point that it was fucking up my speech systems. Was I supposed to offer comfort? (Oh shit, no, seriously?) But then I had been the one to do this to him. And I'd enjoyed doing it. I'd been trying to do something we both liked and I thought it had been going okay but now—
"Shh, it's okay." Gurathin had reached up and brushed my cheek briefly before pulling back his hand quickly as if he'd burned it before I could even tell him not to touch me. "Sorry, sorry, stupid impulse."
It took me six seconds to process that action and it still didn't make sense. Had he been trying to offer comfort to me?
"I'll—I'll go," he said, pushing himself up into my space, but I didn't stop him, just stood there like an idiot while he staggered away through the corridors, watching him through the security system. I thought he'd head back to his own quarters, but he wound up in the common area, arms wrapped around himself, still shivering. It was late enough that no one else was there—even those more inclined to stay up late had retreated to their personal spaces.
He was seeking human contact, and I sure as fuck couldn't give him that.
I took stock of who was awake, but there was only one person I could be sure would be able to help. She'd only gone to bed a short time ago, and hopefully she wouldn't mind, given the situation. I pinged Dr. Mensah and sent her a clip from the video feed showing Gurathin pacing around by the window and occasionally scrubbing at his eyes.
Dr. Gurathin appears to be in emotional distress, I told her through the feed.
I didn't elaborate. What was I supposed to say—sorry Dr. Mensah, I fucked up and broke Gurathin, please help?
"Thanks for waking me, SecUnit," she murmured as she pulled on a long cardigan over her sleepwear. I knew she'd understand. I'd brought her attention to something I couldn't fix but she could. Now I could go watch a show in peace or something. "Do you know what happened?" she asked out loud, knowing that I could hear her even as she padded through the corridor towards the common area. Ugh.
No, I lied.
"Hm, okay." Got away with it.
Gurathin jumped a little as Mensah entered, relaxing as he recognised who it was, and then looked at the floor. I belatedly wondered whether involving Mensah was actually a good idea, given his complicated feelings for her, but oh well, it was too late now.
"Just me," Mensah said in a muzzy sort of way. "Couldn't sleep. You too?"
"Mm. Yeah." He swiped his sleeve across his face again, then gave Mensah a concerned glance. "Are you okay?"
Mensah smiled. "Oh, I'm just fine. Bit restless, needed to stretch my legs. What about you?" She padded up to stand at Gurathin's side, and gave him a look as if she'd only just noticed the wretched state he was in. "Are you all right? Did something happen?" She touched his elbow gently.
I realised that I hadn't yet started playing the episode I had cued up and ready to go—I was too focussed on the scene playing out in the common area. I closed out the episode, feeling annoyed at myself, but I couldn't handle a distraction right now.
Gurathin sniffed and glanced away from her. "I'm fine," he said. Mensah pursed her lips. "I will be fine," he amended.
"Oh, Gura." Mensah tugged a little on his arm and he allowed himself to be guided back until he was sitting on one of the sofas and she was perched on one of the arms, putting her at a height to rest an arm around his shoulders. He tucked his head against her side with a small huff. "Yes, you will be fine," Mensah added. "And I've seen you in far worse states than this. But you know you can still talk to me about it, whatever it is."
"No, it's—I know. I know I can. It's not that, it's just—it's private." I felt a sudden surge of intense respect for Gurathin in that moment. Wow. I hated that. Why was I so affected by something so basic as him respecting my privacy?
Mensah's face took on a thoughtful look. "Was SecUnit involved?" she asked.
Dr. Mensah! I protested into our private feed, along with a frame of Navigation Officer Hordööp-Sklanch's most betrayed expression.
"No!" Gurathin objected.
"You're better at lying than SecUnit is, but neither of you are very good at lying to me these days." Gurathin pulled a face, and I considered finding a bot pilot willing to fly me to the other end of the galaxy. "What were you two doing that got you this wound up? Are you fighting?"
"No, no, it's fine. I just, I don't want to…" Gurathin trailed off, his eyes flicking up to one of my security cameras in the common area. It felt like he was staring right at me, which I suppose was true since he knew full well I was watching.
"No, I understand," Mensah replied. "You don't have to say anything about what happened. But… I suppose what I'm asking is, what are you feeling right now?"
Gurathin made a shuddery gasp and then, inexplicably, he laughed. "Relief."
What did that mean? Mensah's eyebrows went up, and I could tell that she really, really wanted to ask what had happened now, but she didn't.
"It wasn't anything bad," Gurathin added. "I just had a… more intense emotional reaction than I expected. I think I freaked it out. I needed to leave it alone, not dump it with…" He gestured carelessly at himself. "…this." He gave a dramatic sniff for good measure, though I could already tell that he was much calmer now.
"Hm." Mensah nodded. "I think that was a good call. But I also think it needs to be reassured that you're all right."
Gurathin stilled and sat up straight. "SecUnit is the one that got you, isn't it?" he spat out in a burst of realisation. He glared up at the camera.
"I think it was worried about you. And—" She raised her voice a little, addressing the camera if not looking directly at it. "—I think everyone's all right. If a little frazzled."
Thank you, Dr. Mensah, I said in the shared feed, very reluctantly.
Gurathin rolled his eyes with a noise of disgust and buried his head in Mensah's side again. Okay, so I was reassured he was completely all right since he'd gone back to being a dick. Mensah raised her hand in half a shrug before settling it back on his shoulder. "Sweetheart, whatever this was, it seems like it was… intense for you. Is it likely to happen again?" Gurathin made a muffled noise that was impossible to interpret. "If so, maybe it might help to involve someone else? If these are… difficult conversations you're having, I would be happy to—"
He made the noise again, which came out more like a very suppressed scream, and gave a full-body cringe. I felt exactly the same way. Mensah's mouth pursed into a straight line as she waited for him to recover himself.
"No, no, your time is much too valuable for that," he managed eventually.
"You're my friend, Gura," Mensah insisted. "And SecUnit is my friend too. I'd think helping you is a good use of my time, if I can."
"I…" Gurathin's mouth twitched open and closed a few times. With every passing second I became more and more worried that I'd placed him with the one person he might actually cave to.
This is where I screwed up.
Dr. Gurathin, don't you dare, I told him.
He gave a particularly baleful look at the camera. I understood very clearly in that moment that the thing we had in the cargo room operated by a very particular set of rules that did not apply outside of it. And then, "Sure, Ayda. I'll let you know the next time… it happens."
I walked over to the cargo room wall and leaned my head against it in despair. In the common area, Mensah smiled up at the camera. "How do you feel about that, SecUnit?"
My impulse control and my need to not let Gurathin win crashed into each other. My impulse control lost. Yes, that's fine, Dr. Mensah, I replied in the shared feed. The only consolation was Gurathin suddenly looking like he had about as many regrets as I did.
"Lovely!" Mensah said, squeezing Gurathin's shoulder encouragingly. "Lovely."
Well, fuck.