Chapter Text
Todd wouldn’t consider himself a pessimist — not really.
It’s just that good things rarely happened to him — not surprising, since he lived in Jeffrey’s shadow. Everything he owned was handed down from his brother. And even if he got something new, sooner or later, it will inevitably be snatched away from him. He learnt that from a young age.
His family completely ignored him on his 5 th birthday. Jeffrey had this competition or something, Todd didn’t really remember, and they were out the whole day. The celebratory dinner was held for Jeffrey winning the competition, not a single word uttered about Todd’s birthday.
That night, Jeffrey tucked him in, gifting a notebook to him, wrapped up nicely and secured it gently in his arms. Todd hummed sleepily as he leaned into Jeffrey’s hand, soaking up the comfort and safety he felt with his brother.
The next morning, he clutched the shiny, bright, hard covered notebook tightly against his chest. His parents took one look at it, and claimed that Todd stole it from Jeffrey, as it had been his prize for winning the competition. Ignoring Jeffrey’s protests and scoffing at Todd’s eyes welling up with tears, they harshly snatched it from his chest and shoved it into the crossed arms of Jeffrey.
He thought Jeffrey would be mad at him, but when he tucked him in, he returned the notebook and planted a soft kiss on his forehead, a soft but firm reminder to hide this from their parents.
Jeffrey, who tucked him in every night, even though he had to get up earlier for school than he does. Jeffrey, who got punished the morning after for giving the notebook back to Todd. Jeffrey, who hid his pain behind a smile, insisting that Todd should keep the notebook.
Todd was 5 when he decided that Jeffrey got good things because he was good. And he rarely, if not ever, got good things, because, well…
Nothing lasted forever — all good things must end.
Todd was 5 when he had memorised that phrase by heart.
So when Neil had asked if he could be Todd’s boyfriend, and a smooth 2 months had passed, Todd was not surprised when the other shoe dropped.
It wasn’t anyone’s fault, really — stress about assessments, running on 3 hours sleep, and a diet of “2 shots” espresso was bound to make anyone cranky.
It hadn’t even been a fight, not really — Todd kept pushing Neil about something or another, neither of them could remember — but one second Neil was snapping at him, though his voice was never raised, the next second Neil was choking out sobbed apologies, collapsed at Todd’s feet and holding his hands like a lifeline, so softly and gently, as if Todd alone could refill the amount of energy that had been drained out of him.
Apologies were made, reassurances were given, and life carried on as normal.
Almost.
It started with something small, something barely noticeable. Once a while, Neil would either nudge Charlie discreetly or whisper something in their ear, and they would make some outlandish excuse and retire to Neil’s room.
(“Sorry, but the monster under Neil’s bed gets lonely if we leave them alone for too long.”
“Ah, so it was the monster that kept shaking your beds.”
Even though Neil and Todd’s faces were as red as Cameron’s hair, his proud grin did not distract Todd from noticing how Charlie had their arm around Neil’s waist.)
Then Neil started coming back to the dorm late.
The first time it happened, Todd’s little “hi” startled a small yelp out of Neil.
“What are you doing up?” Neil had asked after regaining his composure, concerned instead of accusing, “are you okay?”
Todd immediately melted.
“Yeah,” he replied softly, “just finished a call with Jeffrey.”
“That’s good,” Neil smiled, collapsing onto his bed, “wanna tell me more?”
“You’re literally half-asleep right now, my love. Do you want to change?”
A string of muffled, incoherent mumbling came from Neil’s pillow.
Todd giggled softly.
“I’ll tell you about our call tomorrow.”
Neil hummed sleepily.
“I love you,” he whispered.
“I love you, too,” Todd returned, falling asleep with a smile on his face.
Since then, Todd had always stayed up until Neil had come back to the dorm. Neil always insisted that it wasn’t necessary, that Todd should get as much rest as he could, but nothing he said could change Todd’s mind.
(Sometimes, Neil would come back disheveled, his hair stuck upwards flying in all directions, with one hand on his neck, the other on the wall to support his heavy limp.
On those days, he would hear Charlie outside their room, checking him over and bidding him goodnight. Their conversation always included some form of:
“Does it hurt?”
Silence, but sometimes there would be shuffling.
“We should tell someone.”
“I know.”
“Neil.”
“Char.”
“Be safe, okay? I love you.”
“I love you, too.”)
Todd trusted Neil, he really did — it was himself he was insecure about.
On a rare night where Neil and Todd had some time to relax together after dinner, Todd hesitantly asked, “...are we okay?”
Neil immediately dropped his phone (he was always on his phone nowadays) and gave Todd his full attention.
“It’s just that…” Todd trailed off, not really knowing where to begin. Neil, bless his heart, only stayed silent, tilting his head in that adorably encouraging way that Todd always caved into.
“We… we rarely spend time together anymore, and it kind of feels like we’re sort of… drifting apart?”
Todd sneaked a glance at Neil, who scrunched up his face like he always did when he was trying to find the right words.
“Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me,” Neil said, eyes fixed on his hands.
His voice was so soft, Todd had to strain to hear him, despite the suffocating silence in the room.
“I’m sorry I haven’t been enough.”
The way Neil said it made Todd shiver. He wasn’t trying to guilt-trip Todd — he genuinely thought he wasn’t enough. Like he wasn’t the best thing that’s ever happened to Todd.
“...I understand if you want someone better. You deserve someone better.”
“What?” Todd’s head shot up so quickly, he swore his neck cracked.
“...What?” Neil echoed, his voice hollow. He raised his head in a less dramatic manner, the single tear trailing down his cheek breaking Todd’s heart.
“I- huh?”
“...you’re not breaking up with me?” Neil’s voice was so small and hesitant and vulnerable , as if he was trying to squash out the small glimmer of hope.
“No! I-” Todd immediately broke off when Neil flinched at his raised voice.
“No, my love,” he continued lowly, “you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”
Neil scoffed and looked away, but Todd couldn’t bring himself to stop.
“I just thought… Maybe I wasn’t enough for you?”
A hush fell over the boys.
Todd knew Neil well enough to be able to read his face as he went through a series of emotions:
- Indignation (that the thought had even crossed Todd’s mind)
- Confusion (why did it feel like Todd was trying to break up with him, and what did he mean by him not being enough for Neil?)
- Realisation (did Todd think Neil’s been cheating on him?)
- Anger (Todd couldn’t decipher this one. He’s never seen Neil angry before — at least, not this angry.)
- Distress (He should’ve known this was too good to last. Of course he wasn’t good enough for- wait, what?)
“You think I’ve been cheating…” Neil trailed off, hands flying to grip his hair, struggling to breathe.
“Todd, I would never- I- god, I’m so sorry, is that what you think I’ve been- and you’ve still stayed up waiting for me- what the fuck is wrong with me, why- god, fuck- I didn’t mean to hurt you, please Todd, please believe me, I would never- fuck, and you still- fuck!”
Neil broke off his incoherent rant with a whimper, curling into himself as he hyperventilated, his breaths short and wheezy, as if every inhale hurt .
It took a long time for Todd to calm Neil down, and if the poets noticed their tear-stained cheeks and hefty eye bags, they were kind enough to not mention it.
(Todd didn’t miss when Charlie subtly caught Neil’s eye, silently mouthing, “did you?” and Neil’s deft shake of his head.)
Todd was alone in their dorm again, scrolling on his phone in an attempt to quench his worry for Neil, when a notification popped up.
es50 created a group chat with you , who’s there , what is love , and baby don’t hurt me .
es50 changed the group chat name to “ Sorry if this is rude, but I think this needs to be said ”
es50
Hi y’all, please read the group chat name and come for me if I’m overstepping boundaries, but it’s not just me, right?
Neil and Charlie are acting weird? Like, clingier and touchier than usual?
baby don’t hurt me
y’all
but yeah me and @what is love have been wondering too
who’s there
wow talking about us behind our backs?
but yeah i asked char
they just deflected w/ a joke but there was /gen panic in their eyes and i didn’t wanna push
whitman jr
so
funny story
what is love
are you okay? do you want us to come over?
whitman jr
OH NONONO IT’S FINE
just
when i brought up feeling disconnected w/ neil
his first thought was that *i* was breaking up with *him*
because he wasn’t good enough
but when i told him it was vice versa
he legit had a panic attack/meltdown
he was ripping his hair and hyperventilating and everything
we spent so long calming down we didn’t even get to sleep lol
what is love
is that what happened that day?
whitman jr
yeah lol
funny thing is i didn’t even accuse him of cheating
i just said i thought i wasn’t good enough for him
who’s there
todd :(
whitman jr
and the moment he came to that conclusion by himself
i don’t think i’ve ever seen him this distressed
i don’t think i’ve ever seen *anyone* this distressed
baby don’t hurt me
awwww :(
whitman jr
so yeah
don’t really think he’s cheating on me lol
but tysm for checking in @es50 !! :)
who’s there
yeah, thanks @es50 :D
es50
I’m sorry if I’m going to offend anyone, but may I say what I think?
whitman jr
ofc! even if it was rude, we know that you’re just trying to help! and that’s all i can ask for in a friend!
baby don’t hurt me
god todd you’re so pure ilysm <333
whitman jr
lol i love you too <3
who’s there
sorry for ruining the vibe but what did y’all get for maths 5c
what is love
70
baby don’t hurt me
70
whitman jr
70
who’s there
…
i got -192
:)))))))))))))
baby don’t hurt me
LMAO KNOX
whitman jr
…the unit is minutes?
what is love
asdskdflshdfklkasdhkjj KNOX
need any help?
who’s there
yeah that’d be great thanks T_T
es50
I respect you all, and I respect Neil and Charlie. You all decided to become my friends after I had been the outcast for so long. It pains me to think ill of my friends, but I can no longer dismiss what I see. What we all see.
Neil and Charlie constantly make excuses to leave and be alone by themselves. Charlie frequently sneaks away in the middle of the night, and I would hear them talking to Neil in the hallway, oftentimes saying things like, “we should tell someone.” Neil would generally have a limp and wear makeup on his neck or wear turtlenecks the days after.
Speaking of Neil, he is practically inseparable from his phone at this point, obsessively making sure that it’s facing down in the rare instances he does put down his phone.
I understand that communication is the key in any relationship, but to be the devil’s advocate, lying is also a form of communication. I don’t want to say this, as I know people can change (myself being the perfect example), and I despise putting down mental health issues, but it is no secret that Charlie used to be a player, and Neil is a very good actor. I’m not saying he was faking his meltdown, but maybe he wasn’t having a meltdown for the reasons you think he was.
Again, I’m sorry if my message has offended anyone. I merely want to point out what I think, as I hate seeing my friends hurt.
Also, @who’s there , I got 70 minutes.
who’s there
GODDAMNIT
ok wait give my dyslexic ass a sec to read that
ah ok
so
- you didn’t offend me at all! it’s great to have a friend pointing out what they see, cause i know you won’t deliberately paint your friends in a bad light, and sometimes i ignore stuff i don’t wanna believe is true lol
- i didn’t know abt any midnight meeting ups, but i did notice char’s been getting more and more exhausted, but every time i ask them abt it they tend to shut off, so i never really pushed them on that
- yeah this one’s undeniable. he used to be the one telling us to get off our phones, but now he’s become the most attached. thing is, char hasn’t really changed their phone usage much, so i don’t really think that’s a connected thing? like it’s def a “neil” thing, just not a “char + neil” thing, if you get what i mean?
- i know you mean well, but i truly believe that char has changed.
but /gen, tysm for looking out for us! :D
whitman jr
- yeah, what knox said!!! :)
- i kinda noticed there’s 2 types of sneaking out? one is just neil, as in char doesn’t check in on him after, and he doesn’t usually limp/hide his neck the days after. he’s also less dissociated? if that makes sense? two is like you said, the midnight meeting with both of them. but it kinda doesn’t make sense bc *if* they *were* cheating, neil’s “alone” nights don’t really make sense?
- i did notice that, but he always puts his phone down when we get his attention, like he’s not completely lost in it? so i just kinda let him be lol
- i know this could be vindicated by me literally being in love with him, but cam, you didn’t *see* him. i don’t think i’ve ever seen *anyone* this genuinely upset before :(
es50
I understand. Thank you for not dismissing my concerns, and if there’s anything I can help you with, please don’t hesitate to ask.
what is love
god i love a friend group that COMMUNICATES T_T
baby don’t hurt me
REAL
who’s there
of course! thanks, cam!
whitman jr
thank you for looking out for us, cam!
you’re a good friend :)
es50
:)
who’s there
what the fuck
how did i get 1167 minutes
what is love
i’m coming over
Everyone in Hellton knew Mr Keating was the best teacher.
Todd had never been so grateful that his captain lived up to the praise.
Even though Neil was drained every night he came back to their room, barely able to stand up without help, his nights are filled with creased brows, laboured breaths, and panicked whimper.
The only time Todd had seen Neil truly relaxed was in Mr Keating’s class.
Todd could tell Neil tried so hard to stay awake, doing his best to pay attention, desperate to show his respect for his favourite teacher.
But even when he lost the battles, Mr Keating would simply slip off his coat and gently lay it like a blanket over the boy.
In those moments, Todd would take a good look at his lover — how his jaw was unclenched, how his shoulders sagged, how his frown disappeared from his face. Todd would suddenly be reminded of how young Neil was.
Charlie’s ease in Mr Keating’s class was prominently apparent. They weren’t as exhausted as Neil, but their slouched shoulders and uncrossed arms had not gone unnoticed.
Mr Keating would often bring in large flasks of warm tea and packets of light snacks, keeping his classroom well-stocked, encouraging his students to take what they want, whenever they want.
And even though he had changed the nature of his activities quite a bit — not leaving the classroom so that Neil and Charlie could take a break — his lessons were just as engaging and interesting.
Mr Keating was a godsend.
The other teachers were not.
Like clockwork, loud yells and rulers banged on tables often sent Neil awake with a panicked yelp, their thundering reprimands barely covering Neil’s hyperventilating. Like clockwork, Charlie would rush to his defence, drawing the attention to them. Like clockwork, they would both receive detention, causing them to return to their room late. Like clockwork, the cycle repeated itself.
The poets barely get to hang out together anymore. Every weekend, Neil and Charlie would sleep in late, and none of them were heartless enough to wake their exhausted friends.
At this point, Todd didn’t even care if Neil was cheating on him with Charlie. He just wanted his friends to stop looking so dead.