Chapter Text
Projects are done, and Taehyung is more than happy. He’s vomitting rainbows.
He has this shitty grin plastered in his face the moment the old man standing in front left the class. “can’t you believe this, Jimin? I fucking made it. After days of restraining myself from jumping off my balcony because I can’t take it anymore, I finally get to finish what that satanic professor wished for my painting and I’m finally free from the contract!” Jimin—world’s best bestfriend you could have asked for—pats his shoulder.
“thank me, you shit. I stopped you from shaving your head to baldness, setting your 3 dollars worth carpet on fire, and drown your head to the toilet, multiple times,” Taehyung shivers remembering those dark times, the dark times in which he literally didn’t eat anything else but spicy-chicken flavored ramen and leftover chinese take-outs.
“thanks bro, I realized I need a cooler death than having my bald head inside a toilet seat.”
“I thought so.” Jimin snickers. They walk out the college grounds, although they like to call it the depths of hell because once you enter, all the happiness of rainbows and magical unicorns disappear. They’re in the midst of anime talking when Jimin’s phone vibrates brutally and he swipes it open to see it was a text, when he saw it, a grin appeared on his face, “hey Tae, Namjoon’s hosting off a party at his house tonight.”
“So?”
“So? I mean, you got your shits done soooo—”
Taehyung raises his eyebrow (his eyebrows makes people see stars, that’s what Jimin said) for a moment, not catching what Jimin had said, Jimin wiggles his eyebrows and mouthes the word seeeeeexx and condomssss until Taehyung makes an oh sound.
(there’s an awkward long pause)
“let’s fucking go, Jimboy.”
♡ ♡ ♡
Usually Taehyung hates parties with a burning passion, you know?
They make him drunk (of course they do, dumbass) and he doesn’t like being drunk. But he doesn’t like being sober either, being sober means you’re thinking rationally and Taehyung hates thinking straight, because when he does think rationally, he’ll make choices he’ll regret later, like choosing art as a major (not that his choices made while being drunk doen’t make him regret it, though, but he’ll just excuse himself saying I was drunk, fuck that).
But parties like this—especially parties held by the Kim Namjoon, the human version of what you call an apocalypse—he just wants to lose himself. So when the night hits, he pulls out his killer black leather pants (they were always bitch magnets, and fuckboy magnets too) and strolls his way to Namjoon’s big ass house with Jimin who’s putting an effort in his clothing tonight because his crush is there.
(“pft, that mint-haired shortie?”
“oh shush, and he’s older than you, show some respect you dick.”
“ugh, okay mOM.”
“if you were my son I’d be crying blood tears.”)
As the door swings open, the atmosphere changes, into something.
Something more dope (they do have weed in if you’re wondering).
“oh my god there he is, Tae!”
Taehyung looks at his bestfriend—who just fucking squeeled—with The Face and scoffs in horror, “you sound like a teenage girl with braces fangirling over hot oppas.”
“fuck you, now excuse muah, I need to impress his dick,” and then there Jimin goes, flailing his limbs to the mint-haired, so drunk in love, Taehyung stares at him in disgust.
“ew, I’ll never ever have a crush if I’m going to look like a dying squid,” Taehyung moves his ass up to the counter, and grabs the first thing he saw, Tequila, oh hell.
“well, cheers for not destroying myself during hell week, and cheers for now I’m going to destroy myself with alcohol and boobs, and dicks! and the dance floor, amen.” he takes a breath and drowns the whole thing down.
♡ ♡ ♡
Well, I got destroyed faster than I thought.
15 minutes in and 7 shots of Tequila later, Taehyung found himself vomitting colorless rainbows in the sink, Jimin had abandoned him for sexy time with the mint-haired, what an asshole. Jimin did have a crush on him, remember? He squeeled like he was one of the squad in Alvin and the Chipmunks, no wonder he left his fragile vomitting bestfriend.
“That shitty excuse for a bestfriend, abandoning me for his crush! Fuck falling in love,” he groans, now that he’s actually feeling it, his head is spinning, fucking dizzy. “urgh, must get home, before passing out on the streets,” he groans again, a bit louder this time, getting his face up from the sink and drunkly walks out of the bathroom.
To : Jibootay
Congratulations on the sex, Jimboy. I am very disappointed in u, hOW COULD U ABANDON UR FRAGILE HUMAN HERe wheN U KNOW I FCK MYSELF A LOT AT PARTIES LIKE THIS I hATE U
To : Jibootay
nd don’t expect mE to forgive U by tomrw, just go suck Yoongi’s dick. bYe.
Taehyung puts his phone back to his pocket after a spam of angry and sad emojis to Jimin, he mutes the notifications so he can’t see Jimin’s reply until next morning, he was too drunk to even process what he just did anyway. “damn, and I didn’t even get a chance to bring home anyone for quality sexy time!” he whines, stuffing his hands into his pockets in search of his door key the minute he steps in front of his house door on the second floor.
Rather than a 20 floor damn expensive apartment his parents had offered to him, he rented some space in a 4 floor apartment in the neighbourhood near college grounds (read: hell), Jimin lives just right below him, but he didn’t hear any I’m gonna fuck you so hard or Yoongi I’m aBOUT TO COME OH— screams when he passed Jimin’s door. Thanks Jesus, I can sleep in peace without having to indirectly witness a horrible sex scene.
He slams the door open (this behaviour has been getting a lot of bitching from the landlady because, “if one day the door brokes, the bill is on you, pretty motherfucker.”), he takes off his shoes carelessly and walks straight to the couch, he passes out under a second.
Taehyung knows that the party would go wrong anyway, he wasn’t the type to be all-good-just-hallucinating-shit when drunk. When the alcohol kicks in, it feels like Satan’s doing gymnastics in his body, making him feel like hell circus with three-eyed tight-roping elephants and he always has to scurry to the nearest bathroom to puke out colorless rainbows which always gets censored with laughing emojis everytime Jimin snapchats him vomitting out his insides. He always beats the living shit out of Jimin for posting it on his story.
But he went for it anyway.
Think of it! Hell week is over, he hasn’t touched alcohol at all because Jimin said it could trigger him into balding his hair until it’s bright enough to blind the illuminati eye or posting nude selfies online (because a fucking-stressed-because-of-college plus drunk Kim Taehyung can lead into major second-hand embarrassmenta, that’s what Jimin said) and a major plus, he hadn’t been able to get laid at all during hell week, Taehyung can’t get any one night stands at all because his paint and canvas were already his play date every night, Taehyung swore he almost pulled out all his hair out because of the stress and unhelped horny nights.
Taehyung grumbles, he tosses the pillows to the floor because they took up too much space on the couch, then he hears a knock on the door.
Jimboy.
It’s Jimboy, must be Jimboy.
Jimboy must have seen my text and felt guilty, fuck Jimboy. I’ll go sleep.
And so he forgets the knock ever happened and goes to eternal (this is a lie) slumber.
♡ ♡ ♡
“TaeTae my darling!”
“he must’ve went to hell already Park Jimin stop knocking!”
“sorry Mrs. Landlady boss, did I said you look stunning tonight?”
“stop shitting Park Jimin, you looked like you just fucked a beast.”
“I did actually,” he then winked before heading downstairs as the woman stares in horror.
♡ ♡ ♡
Taehyung wakes up feeling even more shittier than before. When he glanced at the clock it’s five a.m and he groans, it’s still too early in the morning. He flops back to the couch, but when he turns around to change butt positions, he can feel something crack inside him.
“oh my fu—”
His bones are cracking.
He jolts up, feeling the sense of pain.
he's feeling it alright.
Crack!
“FUUUuuUuUuCCcKKKk—”
it cracks again and he dies a little bit inside, motherfucking satan cursed joints.
“Mom I am never sleeping on the couch ever again, ever. Wrong sleeping place and habits can misplace bones in the morning and it fucking hurts, take this advice in, children,” the couch was too small and too hard for his frail bones, Taehyung wanted to burn the couch, but he restrains himself because he’s going to need it when he’s doing a movie marathon.
He groans to himself, getting up to stare at his reflection in the mirror—disgusting. He’s still wearing the killer leather pants and his face is decorated with drool. He stretches out to place his bones back to where they belong, earning unnecessary screaming, screeching, groaning, hissing, and pain.
“pain pain pain pAaaAaiiIInnNNn,” he chants as he pulls his pants down, revealing slender legs and pink briefs (Jimin was like, “bro are you fucking serious” and taehyung was like, “this wAS ORIGINALLY WHITE I SWEAR IT GOT BLEACHED AND—“ and Jimin just giggles, “yea rite.”). He walks over to the balcony. He likes his balcony.
Even though his balcony has been a witness of Taehyung’s attempted suicide, multiple times.
(don’t worry kids Kim Taehyung is fine, he’s just. Stressed. Because of art.
He did that for comic relief.
Even though this story was already a joke.)
The balcony shows the view of the sometimes peaceful neighbourhood of his. Even though across his house lives a grandpa who loves his lawn mower too much and the lady living next to the grandpa has a weird emo son who has a fetish for garden gnomes and owns a pet ostrich, his neighbourhood is quite friendly for 19+ people.
“pain decreases 23 percent because Kim Taehyung smelled fresh air,” he mutters to himself as he flops his upper body to the fence, bathing the five a.m air, with his vomit-scented DIY beggar shirt and pink briefs.
“pain decreases 45 percent because Kim Taehyung is happy he didn’t continue on dozing off untill the end of July.”
“pain decreases 22 percent because Kim Taehyung felt like he’s going to be more productive than the hideous yesterday.”
“pain decreases 5 percent because Kim Taehyung spotted a pretty flow—"
Ba-dump!
It strucked him.
Nah, it electrocuted, stabbed, and shot him a bullseye in the heart.
“Holy shit.”
The view under him, a shirtless sex god with his black earphones jogging up in a slow pace on the sidewalk across his apartment. Holy motherfuckin sweet Jesus shat on his pants, he’s gorgeous, damn gorgeous. Taehyung scowls down, hiding himself from hottie’s view and peaks through the gap on the fences, hottie’s got a face carved by god himself, his eyes are so dreamy Taehyung sees the universe in them, cute nose, and omg what is that bunny teeth, I’m dying.
Hottie’s got a nice body too, look at dem thighs! Taehyung gapes for air, “pain increases 97547438 percent because Kim Taehyung spotted a shirtless black haired hottie so early in the morning and Kim Taehyung thinks he’s starstrucked now fuck Kim Taehyung’s life,” he whispers to himself as he leans closer to the fence, studying the hottie.
Maybe he’s the type to not fancy wearing shirts when jogging, because holy shit those abs drowns Taehyung in a sea full of tears and pain, he gapes at the sight of his muscles flexing, and his collarbones, shit.
Taehyung feels a tingly feeling in him that makes him want to shout, “dAMN HOTTIE!!” at him, but the angel and demon in him are fighting for his actions.
(“he will be very emBARRASSED WHEN HE’S SOBER ENOUGH TO REMEMBER YOU SATAN.”
“he can say I was drunk, fuck it, chill angel.”
“WHAT IF HE REGRETS IT!”)
but instead of creating self-embarrassment he decides to spring back to his room to get his phone and take stalker-like photos of him before he disappears from the view, he almost tripped over his leather pants (“fuck you bitch fuckboy magnet!”) and has decided that he should burn it later.
He opens his gallery and realizes he took 116 photos of hottie, it was better than having to remember who he is when he’s sober later. He hugs his phone and whispers, “until we meet again, love of my life.”
Then he drops dead, passing out in the balcony.
♡ ♡ ♡
“you don’t understand Jimin I nEED this guy to be beside me when I wake up and give me morning kisses!”
“I thought you won’t forgive me because I abandoned you to have Yoongi’s dick up my ass?”
“I didn’t forgive you I just want to talk about my morning pain. So about this guy—"