Work Text:
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: questions regarding your movements
Attachment: qs for alec.doc
Hi Alec,
I was hoping you could answer some questions regarding your movements and actions whilst on Mars. Attached is a document of queries we have been compiling since we realised you survived the storm and the resulting evac of your crew mates on sol 6.
For context, we were not actively monitoring the Ares 3 site until sol 49 and until sol 72 there were gaps in our coverage lasting up to 17 minutes. This gap was quickly closed to no more than 3 minutes 25 seconds every 13 hours and 56 hours.
As such any insight you can give would help us in understanding what we are seeing in the images we do have until Luke lets me have access to your uncensored personal logs. I fully understand that you have more pressing concerns right now so please don’t rush to reply to this very unurgent matter.
Thank you in advance,
Clary Fray
Orbital Engineer
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: re: questions regarding your movements
Attachment: qs for alec with partial answers.doc
Hi Miss Fray,
It’s no problem. Please see the document for the answers requested. I’m afraid I was unable to go through all the questions just yet despite the fact that I am still prohibited on medical grounds from resuming any of my duties but I thought you might appreciate some answers sooner rather than all of them later.
I do hope this all helps.
Please don’t take this as an accusation, I certainly don’t mean it as one, but why will you be receiving access to my uncensored personal logs? Luke told me that they would be considered classified for 99 years. I’m only asking out of curiosity, I’m certain Luke has excellent reasons for putting you on the list (though I do ask you don’t judge me too harshly for some of the entries).
(Also, feel free to send me any questions you have. As I mentioned earlier Cat has me restricted to resting so I have nothing but time and, albeit rather limited, access to a tablet. You’d truly be saving me from surviving everything Mars threw at me only to die of sheer boredom because Cat won’t let me move in case I accidentally puncture a lung.)
Alec Lightwood
Biologist & Ares 3 Commander
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: re: questions regarding your movements
Good Morning Commander Lightwood,
Firstly, let me say thank you for your prompt reply, your answers were a large help and should speed up our analyses.
Secondly, I do apologise for my original email. I’ve just read it back and it’s taking everything in me to not curl up in a ball under my desk and die of mortification. I’m so sorry for the casualness and over-familiarity of it.
I don’t know how much you’ve been updated regarding things back here but in answer to your question prior to sol 49 I was the gamma shift satellite communications officer at the JSC. The short version is that after we noticed you were still alive I was tasked with ensuring that the gap between all the satellites passing over your current position was kept as low as possible along with analysing each image that came through and notifying the necessary parties. As that led me to having the most experience in analysing the Mars images, as well as your movements, it was decided that I should continue to analyse the images and match them up to your logs which would corroborate or correct our inferences of your actions.
It is also the reason for my overly familiar email. I forgot that while I’ve spent 17 months watching over you; you have no idea who I am.
I’ll understand completely if you request that someone else be assigned these duties.
Clary Fray
Orbital Engineer
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Hi
It’s you.
Clary Fray. It’s you. The only reason I haven’t already reached out to you is because I still don’t know how to say thank you enough. Also because I only had your first name and did you know you’re not the only Clarissa to currently be working for NASA? There’s another three at the JSC alone.
I know Ragnor has only told me a fraction of what you’ve been doing for the last year and a half but even for that I could never thank you enough, let alone for all that you’ve actually done that I don’t know about.
If anyone gets to forgo the formalities with me, it’s you. Call me Alec.
Alec Lightwood
Biologist & Ares 3 Commander
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: more answers
Attachment: qs for alec (more answers).doc
Hi Miss Fray,
Sorry. Got a little blown away that it was you, that I forgot to attach more answers for you. See attached :)
p.s. I wasn’t kidding about sending more questions. And now that I know who’s asking; well, let’s just say that for you, I will answer anything you want
Alec Lightwood
Biologist & Ares 3 Commander
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: huh
Attachment: qs for alec version 2.doc
Hi Alec,
And if I’m calling you Alec, then you sure as heck better start calling me Clary.
Not going to lie; that really wasn’t the reaction I was expecting to get once you realised that NASA, our mutual employer, has been paying me to stalk you for a year and a half. But after all these months I’ve almost become used to being surprised by you.
I would also like to take this opportunity to say that I don’t know what vicious lies Ragnor has been spreading about me but I was only doing my job. I didn’t do anything more than any other person in my position would have.
I’ll consider us even if you continue answering my questions. Hope you don’t mind an amended list!
Clary Fray
Orbital Engineer
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: don’t make me laugh. seriously, fray, everything hurts right now
Clary,
Firstly, sorry it’s taken me so long to reply. Cat knocked me unconscious and had me at her mercy because she wasn’t liking what was going on. Don’t worry, she’s pretty certain that she’s got it all under control now. As much as a person can get another’s broken ribs under control with limited medical resources in the middle of space.
Secondly, there’s so much wrong with your email that I don’t even know where to start.
Sidenote, my thanks to whoever assigned you the gamma shift. Do you think they’d appreciate a fruit basket? Maybe chocolates?
People don’t just do what you did, Clary. Do you really think anyone would upend their entire life like you did for some random stranger? Most people would work their shift and then go home to their own life, and let the next person on shift take over. You didn’t. Luke told me how within days of Jia assigning you to watch over me you started living on Mars time. How you haven’t taken a single day off since that storm hit and I got stranded on Big Red.
I spent every second of every sol, from the moment I decided to go get Pathfinder until it received a signal, praying that someone at the Deep Space Network or SETI would pick up the signal and figure out what was happening instead of brushing it off as garbage nonsense from the universe. I could never have guessed that JPL already knew to be on the lookout for the signal. Because you had already figured out I was alive. Because you let Ragnor know I was going somewhere and he managed to figure out I was going to get Pathfinder.
And speaking of figuring out I was alive, anyone else could have taken those pictures of the Ares 3 site and sent them on without giving it a second thought. You noticed the pop-tents, that I’d moved the rover, that I’d cleaned the solar cells and messed with the remains of the MAV. And you put together that it meant I was alive instead of assuming that it’d happened before the evac and just hadn’t made it into the logs in all the chaos. You took it to Ragnor who took it to Jia who ensured my family heard it from NASA instead of from the internet or, God forbid, my little brother putting it all together himself once the pictures got released to the public.
Because he would have, Clary. Max might still be in high school but he’s smarter than all of us put together, he always has been. And he’s a total space nerd; hell, he was more excited than Jace and I combined about the fact we got to go to Mars. He would have seen those photos and he would have read the public logs and seen the photos and he would have put it all together just like you did. I can’t thank you enough for saving him from that alone.
I can forgive NASA stranding me on another planet; even if I’d died on Mars I would have forgiven them (not that there was ever anything to forgive in the first place). But I could never forgive them for doing that to my baby brother.
I would list every other thing but Cat is glaring at me to put this down and ‘go the fuck to sleep, already’. (I’d make the point that I’m the Commander of this mission and outrank her but between you and me, she really scares me sometimes.)
Apologies for the rant?
p.s. About those surprises; only in good ways, I hope.
Alec Lightwood
Biologist & Ares 3 Commander
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: message received commander
Your health absolutely comes first, Alexander Gideon Lightwood (and yes, I did have to search up what your middle name was). I don’t care how long it takes you to respond, should I be lucky enough to get another reply. Please know that no matter how long it takes, your messages are always welcome.
I actually requested the gamma shift. Long story, don’t ask.
I don’t quite know what to say in reply to that except you’re very welcome. Though, as you have already said, that doesn’t feel anywhere near enough to convey what your words mean to me.
Okay, and yeah, maybe it started as just doing my job, but I won’t hide that somewhere along the line I got attached and I couldn’t just hand you off to someone else, Alec, I just couldn’t. You know as well as I that we’ve never met, but I saw you, all alone on that planet and fighting everyday against everything the universe was throwing at you and my heart would not let me let you do that alone. And if all I could do was watch you through satellites like a creepy space paparazzi, to track your movements day in and day out, shifting my days by 37 minutes each day just to match you, then my decision was made many months ago that that was what I was going to do.
It was my choice, Alec, and I’m not going to regret it, not even for you.
Your brother sounds positively delightful. And the ‘smartest of all of you’? That’s damn high praise and I don’t even know who the rest of ‘you’ are beyond this mysterious Max and your sister.
Don’t worry, your secret is safe with me. I haven’t even met Catarina and I totally agree that she is a very intimidating woman. Part of me wants to be her when I grow up, another part wants her to adopt me.
p.s. I could do without the heart attacks that preclude them, but yes, they’re good surprises. The best I would say, as so far they’ve only ever been proof of your continued existence. And after almost 20 months now, that is something I’m maybe only a little bit overinvested in. A great many people care for you Alec, for one reason or another, and I’m one of them so you better get used to it.
Clary Fray
Orbital Engineer
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: the amount of times izzy’s said that to me, i get the feeling you’d get along very well with her
Attachment: version 2 answers.doc
Hey Clary,
Sorry it’s been a while since I sent any answers. This lot was a rather complex bunch and I wanted to make sure all the necessary data was accurate.
For transparency’s sake I am doing well enough that Cat’s allowing me to move around unaided though I am still not allowed to actually carry out any duties beyond, and I quote, “commander-ing, and only commander-ing”. Which basically means all I can do is talk to the crew and poke at things on a screen, but now I get to pull rank and demand an answer if anyone tries to keep information from me ‘for my own good’. So far I’ve spent most of my time transcribing (and censoring) my own logs from Mars.
You make it sound like I was the protagonist of some Grecian epic. As you’ve already pointed out about yourself; I just did my job.
The first thing our instructor told us on day one of the Astronaut Candidate Program was that space will not cooperate. At some point everything is going to go wrong, but what’s important is how you react to that even if you think that this is the end and you’re beyond fucked. And once that happens you can either accept that (and then give up and die), or you can get to work. You solve one problem and then the next and then the next. And eventually, once you’ve solved enough problems, you get to come home. I just solved the problems. I did what any other astronaut in my place would have done.
Considering Jace has made me well aware of just how much of a public figure I’ve become over the last year and a half, I’d be tempted to accuse you of lying. But Luke has made it even more clear how dedicated you’ve been to being my guardian angel since this all started.
There’s me, obviously. And Jace, depending on who you ask. Though anyone who doesn’t count Jace is wrong (I’m not biased, it’s a fact, okay). Then there’s Izzy. She’s set to be the Commander, Chemist and back-up Flight Surgeon of Ares 5 (so no real surprise that you know of her already). All three of us enlisted and used the GI bill to pay for college. We all graduated in the top 1% before our commissions were transferred and NASA had already been headhunting us by that point. So, when I say Max blows us all out of the water, don’t mistake it for older brotherly pride. Izzy and Jace, they’re both the best in their fields by a wide margin but Max is better and he’s sixteen.
He's also a little shit who gets into more trouble than the three of us ever managed combined. For example, he got suspended in sixth grade for almost burning down his school’s science building. He claimed it was an accident but no one who knows him believed that except for his dumbass teachers and principal. Really don’t know how he managed to con them into thinking he’s innocent for so long. That kid had already gotten his hands on our college level textbooks and likely understood them better than us. There’s no way in hell it was an accident.
I think, more than almost anyone in the world, you deserve a reply. But that’s not why I keep replying, Clary. I don’t know what it is, but you’re easy to talk to, and after so long alone and with what limited communication made immediately public record, it’s nice to have someone who’s in the know that’s not family or crew or a superior to talk to. I trust you. I apologise if that’s too much, but it’s the truth.
p.s. Well, for your sake then, I promise I will try to not do anything heart attack inducing
Alec Lightwood
Biologist & Ares 3 Commander
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: ummmmm, so about that
Hey Alec,
No worries on the answers. Looks like we are starting to get your censored logs in each data dump from the Hermes so I’ll be able to go to them when needed. (Though I won’t say no to your continued explanations coloured with some hindsight.)
In the continued interest of transparency, I may have accidentally downplayed my knowledge of your sister. It’s not because of who she is within NASA that I know of her. She reached out around the time you returned to the Hab with Pathfinder because she knew I was the one assigned to be your very own and personal space paparazzo. By that time basically all of NASA knew I was the first to analyse the images from Mars and, in hindsight, I’m pretty sure she seduced me into being her personal Alec Update Hotline. Not that I’m dating your little sister in any way, shape or form. But more that I’m a disaster and a lesbian and your sister is so very pretty and elegant and like so far fucking out of my league. I think we’re friends now? I mean, she’s really busy with astronaut stuff and I was living on Mars time so our relationship was mostly just me sending her updates about you outside of the regular ones your family were getting and her having someone to talk to about things she couldn’t share outside NASA.
Please say I haven’t just made this awkward.
Moving right on.
Fine. Fine, I know what you’re doing, Alec. And yes, it’s working, you stubborn bastard. I’ll accept the fact that you owe your life to me and my fantastical observational skills if you accept the fact that not just anyone could have survived what you have. It’s a rare person, even amongst the elite of you batshit ballsy astronauts, that could have done what you did. Who would have the technical knowledge, the mental fortitude and creativity, the physical strength to do what you’ve done. Take pride in it.
There was a lot of talk about how worth it it was to spend so much, risk so much, just to rescue one man. But do you realise the strides you’ve made just by ‘doing your job’, just by existing and surviving on Mars for so long?
The unexpected scientific achievements you’ve made for realistic long-term habitation on a non-earth planet? What you did with the rovers alone hasn’t quite solved the problem of long-distance land travel on another planet (or moon), but it sure as hell jumped forward the advancements by more than we can currently calculate. Not to mention the sheer level of data you’ve collected from the continuous experiments you’ve been carrying out the entire time. Those things alone were three of the overarching goals for Ares 4 and 5 and you just did them incidentally.
And that’s not even mentioning your potato crops and the Lightwood Collection. Not sure if you know that’s what the geology nerds of the world have dubbed your collection of samples taken as you travelled from the Acidalia Planitia to Schiaparelli; but what’s more important is how feral they are going over it. They’re not even going to be able to do anything with them until well after Ares 4 returns to Earth.
Ha. Me being a hermit living on Mars time has nothing to do with it. Tessa (I’m guessing you know Tessa, NASA’s PR Director) may or may not forbid me from watching and/or reading any tv, internet videos, magazine newspaper articles, and so on and so forth that pertain to you, not that I ever really had much time to in the first place. When I look back it feels like any time I wasn’t sleeping was spent analysing photos of where you were and trying to make them better or calculating different ways to close the gap between images.
And speaking of; I have a bone to pick with you Commander Lightwood. ‘Guardian Angel’!? Could you not have picked anything better?
I noticed you had a whole lot to say about your siblings, who I’m sure are absolutely as wonderful as you say they are (Izzy certainly is), but not much about yourself Mr. Youngest Commander in NASA history, even Izzy will be older than you are by the time Ares 5 launches. Not to mention your military career and that’s not even coming close to counting every other frankly ridiculous achievement and milestone you’ve made on Mars.
Catarina sent me a message in the last dump, nothing that would breach doctor-patient confidentiality but enough; thank you for asking her to do that, it did ease my worry.
p.s. My heart and sanity thank you for your caution, Alec
Clary Fray
Orbital Engineer
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: ohhhh, that makes sense
Attachment: proof.jpg
Hi Clary,
It was the least I could do. I thought maybe the second, more professional and impartial opinion might ease your worry. And if that’s not enough, rest assured Jace is making sure I take it easy.
Not sure if you got the update but I’m officially allowed to do some science! Up until now Lily and Lydia have been splitting my experiments between them, but Cat has finally given me the all clear for an hour of lab time a day.
I’m glad to hear my nefarious plan to make you accept the recognition you deserve has been successful.
For what it’s worth, Izzy definitely considers you a friend. She’s mentioned you in her letters to me and she always mentions how kind and patient you’ve been when she’s pestered you for updates.
Yeah, I certainly know Tessa. I get the feeling there’s a story in there, Clary. What I can’t figure out is why this, of all things, is what you turn so quiet about. I don’t think there’s anything that could make me think any less of you, if that’s what you’re worried about. Trust me, whatever you did or didn’t do, I’ve probably done worse for my siblings.
Well, it’s true, isn’t it? It wasn’t a number of people working shifts to watch over me like I’m assuming NASA had initially made it seem. It was you, right from the start. Luke slipped up maybe a month after I retrieved Pathfinder. “She watches your every move” was what Luke said. Not they; she. One person, Clary. You.
p.s. Thought you might appreciate proof in a different format.
Alec Lightwood
Biologist & Ares 3 Commander
[attached image shows two men lying on a sofa. One, identifiable as Pilot Wayland by his blond hair, is face down and sprawled over the second person’s chest, Commander Lightwood. They are in what is the main space of the second Hermes disc in the residential area. The photo has been taken by Specialist Chen, who can be seen as a reflection in the window behind the Pilot and Commander. Both she and Specialist Lewis, who is standing next to her, are grinning. Commander Lightwood is glaring at the pair. Pilot Wayland appears to be asleep and oblivious.]
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject:
Don’t.
All I did was watch. All I could do was watch. And even then, when you needed a protector, I wasn’t there. That first storm cell. When the Hab blew. When Iris failed. When the dust storm happened. When the rover tipped. Five times I let someone talk me into leaving you, into not even a day off but a couple hours away from the screens and each time the universe fucked you over. So don’t tell me I was your guardian angel because I didn’t do fucking shit.
Clary Fray
Orbital Engineer
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: sorry about that
Hi Alec,
Forgive me? That was completely uncalled for. It’s not much of an excuse but it’s been something of a long few days.
Trust me, there’s not much of a story beyond the fact that less than five minutes of that drivel had me wanting to punch someone in the face. With a cinderblock. Tessa may have caught me reaming out some of the interns here in SatCon who were talking shit and threatened me very creatively if I actually did anything to anyone and make more work for her. She and Cat, by the way, can never meet. EVER.
Holy Shit! That picture is seriously adorable. Thank you for sharing it with me. It’s not that I don’t believe you, or Catarina, but you were right. It definitely helps to have photographic evidence that you are indeed safe and sound on the Hermes.
I am curious though, if it’s not too impertinent a question; how did you and Jace manage to end up on this mission together. You mentioned in one of your earlier letters that you consider yourself brothers but that goes against regulations. Yet NASA, known for their love of regulations and proper procedures and whatnot, made the decision to put the two of you on the same mission instead of separate missions as they did with Izzy or only selecting one of you for the Ares program. You don’t have to answer, I was just wondering. Though it does explain why Izzy was so worried about him coping with your death and then all the other stuff compared to the rest of your crew mates, but I kinda just figured you were all close friends?
Clary Fray
Orbital Engineer
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: no apology needed, I’m serious
You don’t have to apologise, Clary, not to me. Never to me. And certainly never for that. I can’t imagine what it would have been like for you. And for what it’s worth, I do understand where you’re coming from. Jace and Izzy will be the first to tell you how much I hate feeling helpless so I get it and know that I will never begrudge or blame you for needing to vent about it. And I’m here whenever you need someone to listen.
On a lighter topic we are officially closer to Earth than Mars.
Truthfully speaking, I didn’t think I’d ever get here, Clary, and weirdly enough it’s only just hitting me now that I’m not going to die alone on Mars. It’s pure luck I was up to see it happen in the first place but I was watching the screens and I saw the little model Hermes cross the halfway point and all I wanted to do was tell you. To celebrate with you.
The short answer is that though Izzy, Max and I consider Jace our brother, he isn’t actually our brother; not legally and certainly not genetically.
The longer version is that our dads have been best friends since elementary school and we were all raised together. Jace and I have been pretty inseparable our entire lives. Jace’s birth mother never wanted him or a relationship with his dad and left almost immediately after he was born. Despite the fact that our families lived less than five minutes away from each other our entire childhood, we stayed at each other's houses every other day. We both had bunk beds in our rooms since it was easier for our parents than making up and packing down bedding all the time. Mom fell pregnant with Max when we were ten and that seemed to be the catalyst for three parents getting a house together and truly raising us all as one big family.
The army overlooked it because we played it down the entire time. The different last names helped us fly under the radar. By the time NASA recruited us we had established a precedent for being capable of putting the mission before each other if it came to that. NASA was also baffled but willing to take advantage of the fact that aside from any unsolvable catastrophic failures, Jace and I together in the group created a significantly above average number of problems and emergencies working out that, with other configurations of astronauts with only one or neither of us, ended up in failure.
That and I think NASA wanted to use us as a trial run for family members being on the same mission, or for people becoming family on a mission.
I’m sure you’d change your mind about Jace and my adorableness once you know just how often an occurrence that is. He still barely lets me out of his sight and it’s been over four months since we left Big Red behind. I could lie and say his clinginess is starting to get on my nerves but the truth is we have never spent so long apart, not even when we were deployed to different places, so really I get it. The days I let myself think about it, I worry about him. I don’t know how to help him believe I’m here and not dead on Mars. Especially when most days I’m not sure I even believe it.
Is everything okay with you? I’ve been told I’m not too bad a listener. You’ve been here for me, I’d be honoured to return the favor.
p.s. How does my knight in shining armour sound?
Alec Lightwood
Biologist & Ares 3 Commander
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: everything okay?
Hey Clary,
It’s been a few data dumps since I heard from you. Is everything okay?
Alec Lightwood
Biologist & Ares 3 Commander
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: well, if you’re insisting
Hey Alec,
I’m touched to be the first person that comes to mind for such an event, Alec, truly. And know that while I may not be quite as excited as you, it’s certainly some of the best news I’ve had in a while. I don’t think I’ll ever hear any news as good as knowing you’re safe on the Hermes, but this came very close.
If you were trying to lessen your level of adorableness I’m afraid you’ve failed. And rather terribly at that.
Sorry for the briefness of this letter, Ragnor’s been dragging me into all kinds of meetings all month and refuses to tell me why I’m there. I’m beginning to suspect that he’s up to something. What that happens to be I have yet to figure out.
It’s nothing much, really. I’ve been here so much the last few months that my landlord finally noticed that entire weeks were going by without me being at my flat and then I missed one rent payment and the asshole jumped on it as an excuse to have me evicted. And you don’t get to blame yourself for this, I know you’ll try to find a way but don’t. My rent was locked and he couldn’t raise it on me, so he was always going to take the first opportunity to get me out; and it was a shithole anyway. I took a few days off to get all my stuff out and a friend of a friend of a friend has a couch I can use until I find a place. It’ll turn out. I always manage to land on my feet, one way or another.
p.s. Don’t you fucking dare, lightwood. I swear, Alec, if that knight in shining armour shit somehow gets out, you’ll be the first man to survive alone on a desolate planet only to be murdered by a pissed off me
Clary Fray
Orbital Engineer
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject:
Do you have nightmares? You don’t have to answer that.
The nightmares aren’t even the worst part. The worst part is sometimes I wake up and forget they rescued me. There’s this moment just as I’ve woken up where I’m still on Mars and I just want to scream.
It’s backwards here on Hermes to what it was on Mars. Every time I went in and out of the rovers, the MAV and the MDV, and especially in the airlock of the Hab, I would have to wait for the green light before it was safe to exit or enter. But here in the Hermes there aren’t any doors; well, there are, but they’re always kept open for safety purposes and are only closed in emergencies or during maintenance checks. The only ones that close on the regular are the bunks, the infirmary and a couple of the labs.
Sometimes I forget. A couple days ago Simon found me just inside the lab. There wasn’t a red light telling me it was dangerous to leave. But there wasn’t a green light to tell me it was safe to leave, either. But I’d gotten so used to waiting for that green light that even just the absence of one was enough to trigger something in me. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t make myself leave the lab. The logs say I was there for almost 20 minutes before Simon happened to come past and find me. I just froze, Clary.
I can’t afford to freeze. Jace, Lydia, Cat, Lily and Simon; I’m their Commander for this mission, they’re my responsibility. How can they trust me to keep them safe if I can’t even exit a room without a light to tell me it’s safe.
Sometimes I’m not even sure I really survived that storm on Sol 6. Sometimes it all seems so absurd I’m sure I died on Mars and this is just… something else. Not real life.
Alec Lightwood
Biologist & Ares 3 Commander
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: sorry
That was a lot and I understand if it was too much.
I’m sorry.
Bad couple nights.
Alec Lightwood
Biologist & Ares 3 Commander
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: oh, you owe me an apology alright
Fucking hell, Alec.
Sorry it’s taken me so long to reply but I’ve been somewhat busy MOVING IN WITH YOUR PARENTS.
Just… what? HOW!?
Seriously, fuck you, Alec, and, yeah, thank you. I don’t know how you managed it from a billion or whatever miles away, but thank you.
Clary Fray
Orbital Engineer
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: oh shit
Fuck. Sorry. Again. I didn’t mean to send that one but I think your parents drugged my dinner because I slept for about 16 hours straight and by the time I woke up the day’s data dump had already been sent off.
Once again, could we just move on? Please.
Awesome. Thank you for your understanding.
This is important. So read it carefully, Alexander Gideon. Read it and remember it, carve it on a wall if you have to. I won’t say I’ll only say this once, because I won’t. I will say it, I will type it, I will repeat it as many times as you need to hear it.
This is real.
You went through something unbelievably traumatic and it is perfectly fine for you to be more than a little scrambled in the head from it.
I can’t say I know anything about this from a professional capacity, but I know from a human one that it’s okay to not be okay. And it’s not too much. I understand feeling like too much. So from someone who has been told that in the past; you could never be too much, Alexander.
And please, do not take this as me not being honoured that you feel you can trust me with this or me telling you to stop, because I would never ask that, but are you certain you should be telling me this? I just feel like there are much more qualified people, or someone you know better than me, to talk to about this with.
I just want to be sure that you’re sure about telling all this to someone who is not that far from being a complete stranger for all that I’ve watched your every move for over a year and a half.
We apologise to each other quite a bit, have you noticed?
p.s. If this really is just your imagination; then I am simultaneously in awe, slightly terrified and rather worried about your mind.
Clary Fray
Orbital Engineer
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: thank you
Attachment: answers final.doc
I told you, Clary, I trust you.
And thank you. Your last letter. It’s helped a lot. I’ve been talking with Cat some and we’ve worked out some things to help with my anxieties and worries.
As for my parents, I didn’t do anything. I swear. All I did was ask if they would be open to renting you a room until you can find your own place. I wanted to ask them to let you stay indefinitely for free, but you don’t seem the type to accept such an offer. I’m glad they have, though I do wonder how they managed to get you to agree.
Was it lasagne and did Michael make it? If so then it wasn’t drugged. I promise it’s just that good a recipe. I can’t tell you the amount of times I dreamed of his cooking when I was eating cold microwaved potatoes day in and day out. God I envy you right now, but you damn well deserve having Michael’s cooking in your life.
In other news I have finished writing out the extended answers for all your questions (see attached). Let me know if you want/need any further information.
p.s. How about this; you stop apologising and I’ll stop thanking you (okay, that was a lie. I will never stop thanking you)
Alec Lightwood
Biologist & Ares 3 Commander
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Help! I think your parents may have adopted me?
Hey Alec,
I’m glad I could help. I’m glad you’re talking with someone who can be there for you more immediately.
As for your parents, they have and continue to refuse any form of payment. Michael’s cooking continues to be the greatest food I have ever had in my life. Holy shit, I can’t believe you grew up eating like this. He taught me how to make french toast last night and I think it changed my life. I thought I didn’t like scrambled eggs, turns out I’ve just been making them wrong.
I wasn’t kidding, by the way. I’m not convinced your parents haven’t adopted me. Izzy continues to be stunning and you severely understated the amount of menace that Max is. Still not sure why but he’s started calling me the honorary fightwood.
In other news, once you’re back on Earth, will you visit me in prison? Because I’m going to kill Ragnor and no one, not even you, can talk me out of it. And no I don’t want to talk about it, I just want Michael to teach me how to make cookies and then eat them hot out the oven.
How are things in space today?
p.s. It would certainly save us both a lot of time
Clary Fray
Orbital Engineer
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: oh yeah, you’re one of us now, Clary
Welcome to the madhouse!
Why are you fighting Ragnor? But yeah I’ll come visit, obviously.
Space is fine. It says hi. Jace has been extra clingy the last couple days and Cat is still reluctant to clear me for more than a single hour of lab time per day. I finally got done with transcribing, censoring and adding in notes to my logs so there goes my biggest source of anything to do.
I miss real food. The crew saved me a few things from the Tiyang Shen resupply but even that was longlife prepackaged stuff. I miss fresh vegetables and fruit. What I wouldn’t do for a fresh plum right now.
p.s. Yeah, I know what fighwood means and no, I’m not telling you.
Alec Lightwood
Biologist & Ares 3 Commander
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: im gonna do it and nothings gonna stop me
That fucking fucker’s been making me do all sorts of talks and seminars on Orbital Trajectory Manipulation at Universities. He also made me get up in front of a bunch of military folk and explain how I improved the NSA’s image enhancing program. Someone mentioned some shit about an honorary degree or higher.
Fuck I need a nap or something.
Sorry this is brief but the dick made me fly to London without telling me where we were going until we were already at the airport. I didn’t even have a passport before he handed me one! Jet lag’s a bitch and I don’t think we’ve even been here long enough for it to set in and we’re leaving already.
Do you have any tips to get over it quickly? Do you even get jet lag coming back to Earth after being in space?
p.s. We’ll be having words when you get back, Lightwood
Clary Fray
Orbital Engineer
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: are you okay?
Hey Clary,
That sounds rough.
Regarding jet lag, the best thing I can recommend is to push through and don’t let yourself fall asleep until it’s close to a proper sleeping hour for wherever you are. And don’t use caffeine to help stay up, it’ll only make the problem worse. If it’s the other way around and you find yourself unable to sleep when you should be then I find staying up late and then only letting myself sleep for a couple hours before forcing myself to survive a day on minimal sleep usually does wonders to resetting my schedule.
Izzy says I can be pretty shit at recognising when someone wants advice versus when they just want to vent. So if this is the latter, please just ignore the rest of this email. If not…
Talk to Ragnor. Make a formal appointment if you have to and talk to him. I don’t know him very well personally, but I do know him professionally. As Commander I had significantly more to do with him than the rest of my crew and I feel pretty certain in my estimation of him to say that it isn’t something he’s doing intentionally.
He’s a genius, not that he goes around flaunting it, but that makes him sometimes forget that not everyone is on his level. It makes him a good director of the Ares Program because he’s able to handle all the different missions and all their parts without losing track of anything.
He’s also not the kind of person to be deliberately malicious unless you wrong him first (it’s only rumors and gossip that I’ve heard, but cross him at your own risk). And I won’t break confidence, but he’s fond of you. More than that, he sees potential in you, more than you’ve already proved you have.
p.s. Send me those papers on your work?
Alec Lightwood
Biologist & Ares 3 Commander
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: so you’re right and I kind of hate it
Attachment: send to alec.fld
Hey Alec,
I talked with Ragnor. And you were right. Turns out he thought I knew because he emailed me a bunch of forms for me to sign a while back. Except I maybe didn’t exactly read any of them because I’d just started dealing with the whole shitshow that was my former landlord so I just signed them and sent them back after skimming them.
He also apologised for dragging me to a whole other freaking continent (and getting me a passport without my knowledge) at the last minute.
You’re a fixer, Alec. It’s not surprising that your default is to find a solution or give advice instead of just listening and letting it go. It’s part of what makes you so good at what you do. Thank you for listening and for the advice.
p.s. Can I ask what the deal is with your parents?
Clary Fray
Orbital Engineer
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: don’t lie; you love me
Hey Clary,
I’m glad you worked it all out with Ragnor.
Sorry it’s been longer than usual since my last email. I wouldn’t be surprised that you already know this, but Hermes is in rough shape and we’ve been busy fixing her. Even though I’m still not allowed to do much physically, I’m still our backup engineer and fixing Hermes is a several person job. I can’t help but worry if she’ll last long enough to get us home.
In a way it’s familiar what we’re doing. It’s almost like I’m back on Mars. Half of everything we’re doing right now is patch jobs to last us until we figure out a better solution and the other half is planning ahead everything we know we’ll need to do to get home and planning for anything that we think could go wrong between now and then.
Does it make me a horrible person that I’m glad that at least this time I’m not alone?
I won’t pretend I fully understood everything in those papers. But I understood enough to be blown away by what you’ve done. You know that the greatest things to come out of the Space Race weren’t the strides made in space exploration but all the technology that ended up having real world applications outside of space exploration.
Clary, what you’ve come up with is amazing. Everything I did to survive Mars only really helps with space exploration. What you’ve come up with will, and I don’t doubt already is being used to save lives.
Of the top of my head I know that your work on the satellite imagery of Mars is going to be invaluable. Not just for taking better images of deep space but also for being able to understand what we’re seeing in those images. And on Earth, outside of its military uses, it’s going to be such an asset to Search & Rescue. Jace and I spent part of our service assisting and teaching our techniques to S&R teams across America in other countries, so you can’t say I’m making this all up.
You deserve those degrees and every other accolade they give you, Clary.
My parents are my parents. But I get what you mean and the honest answer is that even me and my siblings aren’t quite certain what their deal is. They all love each other and honestly, for me, that’s all I need to know.
p.s. Ask Robert. None of them would be offended by you asking but he’s the only one who’s actually good with the emotional stuff. Mom’s much more a physical kind of affection person and Michael’s more like me and not that great with words
Alec Lightwood
Biologist & Ares 3 Commander
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: you’re better with the words thing than you think you are
Hey Alec,
I am going to take the path of least resistance and say thank you for your very nice words and then we’re both going to move on and never talk about this again. But I also just want to point out that just because the scientific advancements you’ve made surviving on Mars don’t have as much use on Earth, doesn’t make them any less incredible.
In any case, you’re wrong that there aren’t any real world applications. Sure the tech to recycle water and air already existed but to take it to Mars, it had to be compact, reliable and idiot-proof. You just long term tested the best possible version and that means you’ve contributed to making clean drinking water accessible to millions who live in any number of remote places. Weather Prediction Models, communications tech, the solar panels, long distance imaging, they all got near revolutionised.
And yeah, we blew so much money to bring you home. But the amount of money you have saved us with everything we’ve learned from you just surviving probably evens it out. And that’s not counting how the entire world has come together to watch you survive and help save you.
There’s also the whole Chinese/American co-operation thing that went down. But if anyone asks, I didn’t say anything.
There, that’s it, I’m done. Subject closed, please and thank you.
I was a fly on the wall for a discussion on how you ended up stranded on Mars with no method of communication with Earth. Despite it now being a statistically one-in-three occurrence, the chances of it actually happening were so absurdly small that no one even thought to create a contingency plan for that scenario.
The point I’m trying to make is that you had some seriously shit luck to end up being left on Mars. But it wasn’t luck that got you off Mars and on the way back home. That was all you. Your skill and determination and ingenuity and mental badassery. And that’s what’s going to get you all back home now, because it’s not just you on your own, it’s you and one hell of a crew.
And it doesn’t make you a horrible person to be glad they’re all there with you, it makes you human. Lean on them, Alec. Just because you’re their Commander, doesn’t mean you can’t rely on them. In fact I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what being the Commander means, it means trusting them to do their job.
Clary Fray
Orbital Engineer
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: i don’t know what to say
Hey Clary,
Sorry this is brief, it’s been a bit of a nightmare the last couple days.
The Hermes may have only been halfway through the anticipated life but she was meant to get months of services, upgrades and repairs between each trip to Mars.
We’re getting close to Earth now. Don’t know if you know already, but it’s close enough that NASA is finally letting us have live voice-only calls. As much as I don’t believe any of the last couple years actually happened, another part of me has finally started to believe that I really will get to see my family again. I think I’d given up on that actually happening a long time ago. I thought I’d gotten past this already. That I’d started to believe this is real. But every time we pass a new milestone on the way home it all comes back, maybe not as bad as the time before, but enough that it feels like I’m still stuck on Mars with no hope of ever getting home.
Is it selfish of me to ask that we don’t change mediums just yet? Please don’t take this as me not wanting to talk to you. Beyond my parents and siblings, the only other people I want to talk to outside of work are on the Hermes with me or are you. I don’t have friends, Clary. I have my family and I have my crew. I’m not like my siblings, capable of making friends with anyone. I think you know more about me than anyone else and you’ve become one of the most important people to me these last few months. I like this way of communicating with you and don’t want it to change just yet. The first time I hear your voice I want to be able to see your face.
Alec Lightwood
Biologist & Ares 3 Commander
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: i get it
Hey Alec,
It’s real, Alec. I promise you it is. And promise me you’ll tell Catarina all of that. She helps, remember.
And I was aware of the voice calls but only because your parents couldn’t stop crying over it all day. But don’t worry, they were happy tears. They miss you and care about you so much. If I wasn’t so glad that you have such amazing parents I think I’d be a little jealous.
It’s not selfish, Alec. And I feel the same. About continuing to just write to each other and about how important you are to me.
I told you months ago that I requested the night shift and that it was a long story. Originally I didn’t want to explain because it’s something I’ve tried very hard to forget about, but later that changed because I could never quite figure out how to work it into conversation. It felt like something I had to tell you in person. It’s so ridiculous that even though I lived it it still feels like something out of a book. But the more you’ve told me about Mars the more I feel guilty for continuing to not tell you. So here it is.
I never knew my father, my mom always told me he died before I was born. The short version is that she was married to a psychopath (undiagnosed in the regular sense, but there’s enough case studies about him over the years for it to be pretty certain). He was the leader of a very messed up cult and mom was in deep with him until she learned that he was drugging her.He had drugged her during her pregnancy with my older brother and while she was pregnant with me. She escaped before I was born and we managed to live under the radar until I was sixteen.
And that’s when I met a boy who was charming and beautiful and liked me, only it turned out he was my brother who my mom believed had died as a baby. Our father had faked his death and raised him to believe that I would save him. Things happened, and I helped the police dismantle their whole thing when I was nineteen. I changed my name, moved across the country and put it all behind me.
I’m telling you now because I want you to know that I get it. I get the feeling of being stuck in the worst moments of your life even though it happened years ago. And I want you to know that it gets better.
These letters with you have made me realise just how much I’m still stuck at seventeen, half in love with a boy I don’t know is my brother, at eighteen, realising that I don’t have anyone I can trust. I don’t have friends either, Alec, and I don’t have family. Right after it all happened I couldn’t let anyone close, the thought of letting anyone in was terrifying.
I asked for gamma shift and stayed there because people terrify me. On gamma shift I interacted with another person face-to-face maybe once in a fortnight. I’ve been living my life in a holding pattern. Never letting anyone close and clutching my fear so tight I could never move on.
At least until a few months ago. Our correspondence, you, have helped me let go of what happened, of my fear. I got attached to you when you were nothing more than a distant figure on my screen. Your sister wormed her way in too. But mostly it was you. So, I’ll be here for you. Whatever you need.
In other news, Michael has trusted me with his lasagne and brownie recipes. I genuinely cannot believe that neither have illegal substances in them, they are that good. Was surprised by the chocolate in the lasagna though, and I still don’t understand how that works.
p.s. In case you can’t tell, I talked to Robert. Is this what having parents is like?
Clary Fray
Orbital Engineer
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: this is me sending you a hug
Hey Clary,
Firstly, this is me promising that I’ve been talking to Cat about it.
Secondly, you have family. You have me, and you have Izzy, and you have Max and our parents and I know Jace will adore you too.
Thirdly, I’ve sent Izzy to give you a hug and take you home for Michael-made comfort food.
Thank you for trusting me with that. I’m sorry it happened to you. From the food-shaped change in subject I’m guessing you’d rather not dwell on it. From what I understand about the lasagne, it’s got to do with matching flavour profiles combined with the chocolate mellowing out the acidity of the tomato and making the ragu richer without diluting the flavours with something like cream.
Two weeks from Earth and we can’t get there quick enough. You’d think I'd be used to it by now, but Jace kicks in his sleep and these bunks are not built for two grown men even with Jace’s aggressive cuddling. It’s like he thinks I’ll disappear through an airlock if he doesn’t keep a tight enough hold on me. Could be more awkward though, I suppose. I could have ended up with Lewis.
p.s. Let me guess, the conversation started with you asking about their relationship and somehow ended up with you spilling your guts to him?
Alec Lightwood
Biologist & Ares 3 Commander
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: you devious fucker
Hey Alec,
Yes, it did take me until yesterday to figure out you set me up making me talk to your dad. You knew the moment I approached him that he would turn it around and make it about my issues. You suck, but thank you. It helped. He helped. Not as much as you have, but in a different way.
Sorry this is brief. Ragnor’s been dragging me into so many meetings and briefings and things that I’ve barely done any of my own actual work the past few days.
Clary Fray
Orbital Engineer
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: ditto
Don’t worry about it. It’s the same up here. Even with all those months to prepare, now that we’re finally in orbit about Earth it’s still a whole lot of too much to do and not enough time to do it in.
Alec Lightwood
Biologist & Ares 3 Commander
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: how’s quarantine?
Hey Alec,
It genuinely surprises me how many people truly believe that the quarantine NASA put you in to give you a chance to recover before you get hounded by the masses is actually to make sure you didn’t bring anything back from Mars.
I guess they did do one for Ares 1, but surely they’d be able to determine this is a cover from the fact that Ares 2 didn’t have to go into quarantine.
Hope you get out soon?
Clary Fray
Orbital Engineer
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: i don’t think it will be too long now
Turn around.
Alec Lightwood
Biologist & Ares 3 Commander
Clary heard someone enter Ragnor’s office but considering that they hadn’t knocked she assumed that it was just Ragnor and didn’t bother moving. If he needed anything from his desk he’d just work around her and his laptop was all but surgically attached to his hand so he could always work at the couch until she finished this latest lot of calculations.
Straightening up from where she was hunched over her own laptop at his desk, Clary twisted around to face the whiteboard and add the latest lot of figures to it, comparing them to the ones already there. It wasn’t until her laptop dinged that she paid it any attention. She got so many emails these days that she’d had to put it on permanent silence unless they came from a specific list of people.
Pulling up her permanently open emails, Clary ignored the many new ones and went straight for the one on top, smiling when she saw who it was from.
Now that Alec was back on Earth and physically closer than he had been since they first started exchanging emails, it felt like neither of them had any time to think let alone sit still long enough to type out an email more than three sentences long. And this latest one from him was no different.
The subject line had her feeling wishful that she’d finally get to meet him in person. But her heart sank when she saw his signature block so high up on the screen before she managed to read his latest email.
Shaking her head, she focused on the body of the text. All two words of it, and frowned.
“Turn around?” she mumbled aloud to herself. What the hell was he on about? Clary wondered even as she twisted to look over her shoulder.
It wasn’t Ragnor that had entered the office.
Blinking, not quite believing her eyes, Clary shuffled forward and reached out to poke the person standing inside the closed door of Ragnor’s office.
Alec laughed and Clary found herself being hugged.
He felt even skinnier than he looked and Clary’s eyes stung at the thought. His Ares 3 promo pics along with photos from his military days had been plastered everywhere for months so she knew from the one photo she had of him from after he was back on Hermes just how much weight he’d lost on Mars. But somehow feeling it when she could wrap her arms around his waist and almost touch her elbows made it worse.
She sniffed and pressed her face further into his shoulder, squeezing him tighter. It wasn’t to hide her tears, he already knew the best and worst of her. There wasn’t a person alive who knew her better than Alec did.
And it was almost scary how easy it was to show him those parts of her if not for how right he felt. She’d watched him for so long; their relationship, if you could call it a relationship when she watched his every move without him knowing, had started off so one sided in her favour that by the time it became more, she was already comfortable with him.
She held on to him as tight as she could because this was finally the tangible kind of proof she could trust that he was back safely on Earth.
“You’re a dick and a troll. Turn around? Honestly, Alec,” she muttered, barely able to talk from how hard she was crying, her throat tight.
He laughed again and this time she could hear the tight wetness of tears in his voice.
“Hello, Clary Fray.”