Chapter Text
I took a deep breath as I approached the ad hoc therapist’s office. I’d learned from Dober during lunch that Tracen usually had one therapist on staff, and I’d met him already. Which meant that the person that the Director had brought in wasn’t normally here. So I found myself on the third floor of the academy in the area usually reserved for trainers.
I didn’t want to see a therapist. Mom said I should. Dad said I needed to. GiGi wanted me to. And now the school was mandating it. But I hated the feeling of not having a choice in talking to someone. I had my friends, but now I had another person to burden with my worthless shit.
I knocked on the door, and heard a woman’s soft voice call out “Come in!” in English. That gave me pause.
“Um, it’s… Coastal Storm,” I said, choosing to switch to English since apparently the therapist spoke it. She also sounded like she might’ve been from southern Florida originally.
“Yes, I’ve been expecting you,” the human woman said, smiling as she stood up and walked out from behind her desk. “I’m Jillian Myers, but you can call me Jillian if you’d like. I’m the one that Tracen calls on when they need some extra help.”
My ears wilted. Oh good. I was that kind of problem.
“I’m sorry,” I said, grabbing my right arm with my left hand. “I am probably taking up your time away from other clients.”
“Not at all, Coastal Storm. Please, take a seat,” she gestured toward a pair of couches. “And please tell me if you have a nickname you prefer. I know your mother is a therapist, so I figure you know the drill a little better than most people, but… I can also tell you’re uncomfortable.”
I hesitated in trying to pick a couch, before opting for the one that sat closest to the door.
“Um… yeah…” I admitted, curling up into a ball on the couch as Miss Jillian sat down, looking at me in the concerned way that social workers always did that … bothered me. Mom had the same look sometimes. I was also fairly certain she had the same brown cardigan.
“Well, as always, anything you say in here is confidential, unless you tell me that you’re thinking of hurting yourself or someone else, or if someone is hurting you,” Miss Jillian explained. “But otherwise I don’t share what we’ve talked about with your parents or the school unless you give me permission.”
I skewed my ear to the side. In Oregon, a teenager could seek treatment by themselves as young as fifteen, but usually records could be shared with parents until they were considered an adult.
“Does Japan have a different standard?” I asked. “Usually you’d want to tell my parents, or at least my guardian what is happening.”
Miss Jillian shook her head. “It doesn’t, but since your parents are on the other side of the Pacific, and you aren’t right now needing family therapy with your Great Grandmother, I figured it would be best to treat you like an adult.”
“But I’m not one,” I shot back, finding myself annoyed. “I’m fifteen. So if you need to tell GiGi or my parents anything, just… tell them. I don’t care,” I said, crossing my arms curling up on the couch. Anything to get this woman to be on the defensive herself.
“I can do that as well, if you’d like. Though if there’s anything you don’t want passed on, I want you to tell me as well,” Miss Jillian said, tilting her head to the side. “I know this can’t be easy for you since it probably feels like you don’t have much choice in the matter.”
“You’re damned right,” I growled. “I don’t want to be here! And so you trying to give me some sort of choice feels demeaning.”
“I see. That wasn’t my intention, Coastal Storm. But intentions mean much less than how they are perceived. I’m sorry for making you feel like I was talking down to you when you’re already obviously upset to be speaking to me,” she said. “So can we start over for a moment?”
I frowned as her apologetic tone pulled on my heart enough for me to look at her. I sighed.
“You can call me Stormy.”
“Stormy. I can do that. Would it be more helpful for you to start with how you don’t want to be here?”
I curled up and looked down at my knees. Not really. Because really, I think I was taking my anger out on someone who didn’t deserve it.
“No, it’s… I’m sorry. I’ve been rude,” I curled myself tighter around my legs. “I just hate feeling like a burden, and this… makes me feel it more sharply.”
Miss Jillian tilted her head to the side, trying to meet my eyes. “So it’s less that you don’t want to be here, and more that you’re afraid of what that means for you and how much emotional weight you put on others, is that right?”
I flinched. Well, okay, clearly this therapist had gone to the same school as my mom.
“Um, yeah… basically,” I said, pinning my ears back. “I didn’t want to talk to the therapist they had me see here. I know I wasn’t fine, but then I was just… kinda numb and I put a lot of stress on Dober and Taiki and my parents came out here and I just…” I shook my head. “I wasn’t in a good spot. But I’m slowly getting better? Things feel a little less numb and painful? But I can’t run until I talk to you, which makes me feel useless.”
“Well, you are a horsegirl. I can see how not being able to run would add to that feeling. But I feel like that isn’t the core of it, hmm?”
I winced as, yet again, the frustrating woman hit me where it hurt. Which made me think about why I was feeling that way. Which was… less than enjoyable.
“I feel like I hit something painful there, am I right, Stormy?”
“Yeah,” I admitted. “I just… felt like I was a big dummy. And useless. Plus like, goddesses, maybe I am bad luck. I feel like I’m always in the middle of something that causes problems for other people! And I don’t mean to! I like I’ve been trying to think things through and trying to make sure I’m not a bother but then I become more of a bother by not saying things, because then I get sick or sad or…” I trailed off. “Or I end up word vomiting at someone and that’s probably not a good sign either.”
Miss Jillian steepled her fingers as she leaned forward and nodded.
“Stormy, is it alright if I ask you a few questions? Just about how you feel normally, not how you’ve felt in the past few weeks?” She tilted her head to the side. “Just… trying to confirm a suspicion of mine.”
“I-I guess so?”
“Do you think you’re a pretty calm person normally?”
That got me laughing anxiously.
“Uh… no. Probably not? I don’t know.” Miss Jillian gave me a pained smile as I spoke, which made me ramble more. “I mean I don’t think I’m all that anxious? At least not compared to Dober when she’s around men or loud noises. Like, no more so than anyone else here at school? Except maybe vice president Brian. I don’t think anything scares her.”
“I see,” Miss Jillian looked like she was mentally logging something away. “Well, do you ever feel like you can’t stop worrying?”
I pinned my ears back. “Um. A lot.”
“And are you worrying about the same things, or are there different things that are running through your head?”
“Um, different things? I think? I mean, when i had a really bad day and I ended up making myself actually sick from worry I was kinda worried about my friends and my family and my team and…” I glanced up and Miss Jillian had that pained smile again. “And that’s probably bad.”
“I didn’t say it was good or bad, Stormy.”
“But your face looks pained, Miss Jillian.”
Miss Jillian blinked. “Oh, dang. I am not always the best with my poker face when someone says something that sounds like it hurts to deal with,” she admitted. “So yes, you’re right, I have been looking pained, but… that pain is in empathy for you.”
“Am I gonna have to go to the hospital like Still in Love?” I asked, my brain rushing at a million kilometres an hour. This was it. I was a basket case. And I was going to have to get stabbed with needles and deal with all the things mom said she had to deal with at work with clients who were so mentally unwell other people had to make decisions for them!
But then Miss Jillian shook her head.
“No, Stormy, you don’t need to go to the hospital,” she covered her mouth as she spoke, like she was trying to hide her facial expression. “I was trying to assess what your level of anxiety is on the daily, and… I’m rapidly getting the impression that it’s pretty high.”
“Oh,” I frowned, and felt my ears start twitching. “I… maybe?”
“Okay. My guess is that you have a hard time relaxing, and often feel so restless that you have to move. Not,” she raised a hand, “just because you want to go running or that’s a normal feeling for you. Like if you don’t move you’re going to come out of your skin.”
“Miss Jillian, could you stop saying painfully relatable things, please?” I whined, laying my ears back. “I’m… getting the impression I am a problem.”
She shook her head. “That’s not what I’m saying at all. I’m saying you have a problem, not that you are a problem.”
“That’s… the same.”
“Actually it’s not. Think about it: if you were the sum of all of your problems, would you have come in here today?”
“Yeah, because I want to run again.”
Miss Jillian snorted. “Okay, well… fair enough. But don’t you think if you were a problem, that you’d be finding yourself losing friends and alone?”
I frowned, looking down at my knees again. My back was beginning to hurt from being curled up in a ball, so I grabbed the pillow off of the couch and hugged it to my chest.
“I guess so? I was… honestly afraid that Taiki and Dober wouldn’t want to be my friends anymore after all of this,” I said honestly. “I had that worry on top of being just… so sad that my friends died when their ship went down.”
Miss Jillian nodded, tilting her head to the side slightly before speaking again.
“My point I was trying to make is that is sounds a lot like you have a lot of anxiety and worries about a lot of things, Stormy. Not just… normal, everyday, you’re an athlete at a top school kind of anxiety, but the kind that really makes your life… hard. You mentioned that you’ve made yourself sick before?”
“Er… not made myself sick like throwing up or anything,” I corrected Miss Jillian, remembering the time that Empress had a problem with doing that in middle school. “No I just… got a high fever out of nowhere, and the doctors called it… uh… psychogenic I think?”
“I see. Did they talk to you about that?” she asked. “Like how those happen?”
“Not… really? My dad said it was something that could come back if I was too stressed though. But I don’t think I’m too stressed!” My voice cracked as I said the words, and I shrank down, my ears drooping as I realised, no… maybe I was too stressed. “Or… maybe that’s not right either.”
“Psychogenic fevers are often part of a group of symptoms that we call conversion disorder, Stormy,” Miss Jillian explained. “Now, I don’t think you have that, but I do think that you are at risk of making yourself sick without learning to manage your worries.”
“That’s… what both the doctor and my dad said. So I tried to stop thinking about it.”
“And did it work?”
“Ahah, n-no,” I said, sounding very small to my ears. “It just made everything feel worse when… I couldn’t…” Damnit, I thought I was done crying about this! “Wh-when I couldn’t st-stop my friends from dying in the storm.”
I brought my knees back up to my chest and again and buried my face in the pillow I’d trapped there. Why was I such a crybaby? I hit the pain button myself today, didn’t I? Augh, why was it always like this?!
“I’m sorry,” I whispered between tears. “I didn’t think I’d start crying again.”
“That’s okay, Stormy, this is… kind of the place to do it,” Miss Jillian said gently. “And after all you’ve been through in the past few weeks? I’m pretty sure anyone would be crying from time to time.”
“How do you know what happened in the past few weeks?” I asked, my brain catching up with the fact that Miss Jillian seemed to have a fairly good read on my history, in spite of us not actually talking about it.
“Well, some of it is public record, Stormy,” she said with a small smile. “I can’t imagine it was easy going from 4th in the Hanshin JF to winning the Hopeful Stakes. But President Rudolf, Mr. Ogawa — the therapist you didn’t get along with, and you Great Grandmother were also people I spoke to before we met. I wanted to make sure I had some history on you so that we could talk in the first session, instead of risk retraumatizing you all over again.”
“Oh. I’m traumatized. That’s it?” I snapped, feeling like my privacy had been violated by Miss Jillian by going behind my back. Then my brain caught up with my feelings, and I realised that she was just doing her job. “I-I’m sorry, that was… rude.”
“I’d say it was human, Stormy. Or, umane, in your case,” she said with a sad smile. “But you are right, you have experienced a trauma. Losing someone when they pass away from natural causes is one thing, but… your friends passed in the storm. And I am… getting the impression that you tend to hold yourself responsible for a lot of things in your life.”
“I kinda have to,” I admitted. “If I don’t, I do something stupid, then Dober or my roommate, Belno, yells at me. Or I forget something and then I feel so awful that I wish I could sink into a black hole. I used to be really bad about remembering my homework as a kid, but… after getting lectured about it I tried to make sure I don’t forget, I don’t mess up, and I always take responsibility.”
Miss Jillian frowned. “That sounds like that was quite the lecture you got from your parents, Stormy.”
“Oh it wasn’t my parents,” I admitted. “I got that lecture from my grandmother, Terlingua, when I was eight. We were visiting my family in Kentucky, and she found out that I forgot my homework at home in Oregon. I was already worried about it, so my mom was actually really understanding. But my grandma started yelling at how I needed to ‘shape up or I’d amount to nothing,’” I shook myself at the memory. “And after I had already been yelled at by her for being ‘too loud because children were to be seen and not heard.’ And I didn’t know which fork to use at dinner. She got mad about that, too, but more at my mom and dad. But it was my fault they got lectured so… I kinda try to make sure I don’t mess up.”
Miss Jillian was quiet, which caught my attention. I looked up to see her frowning as she rested her chin on her interlaced fingers.
“This is… Secretariat’s daughter, right?” She asked, her voice slightly strained.
“Y-yes?” I replied, my ears flicking rapidly as I picked up that Miss Jillian was upset. Oh great. Now I was in trouble again.
She let out a short sigh. “Sorry, that sounds… awful Stormy. I’m so sorry you went through that,” she said, her voice calmer. “That just made me a little upset with your grandmother to hear that she said those things to you.”
“O-oh. You… weren’t upset with me?”
“No, Stormy. I was… definitely upset, but for you, not at you. That sounds like that was a very impactful moment on your life, but… perhaps not all for the better.”
I considered that for a moment, then realised that it was after that trip that I’d started changing how I acted. And then the next year I’d been held after school for a meeting with my parents because my teachers was worried that I was “my own worst enemy.”
I never did understand what Mrs. Fletcher meant by that.
“I mean… I don’t mess up as much? I mean mostly because I’m pretty mean to myself when I do make mistakes. And I don’t want my girlfriend to think that I’m more of a dummy than she already does.”
“Mejiro Dober calls you a dummy?”
“Oh, she does that to everyone when she’s flustered,” I said, chuckling. “I just get it a lot because I fluster her. But Taiki told me she does that to her sometimes when Dober is overwhelmed, so I don’t take it personally.”
“Yes, but sometimes words still can hurt, even if we tell ourselves they don’t, no?”
“Are… you saying Dober’s a bad person?” I asked, feeling defensive for Dober. She really… didn’t mean anything by it.
“No, not at all. I just am bringing your attention to it, because I feel like sometimes you call yourself that, am I right?”
I frowned. Ugh, this therapy thing was harder when you were in the client chair.
“I guess? Well… no I don’t guess. I do. A lot. Because I’m kind of dumb.”
“Stormy you’ve not scored below a 94 on your tests. Is that something a dumb person does?”
“W-well I make social mistakes all the time!” I protested. “And I’m… I’m a child of Susanoo. That’s what everyone says.”
Miss Jillian frowned. “So I’m not from Japan, as I’m sure you can tell—”
“Yeah. You sound like you grew up in the Florida Keys.”
Miss Jillian closed her mouth, her eyebrows raising in surprise.
“I… was raised on Key West, yes. I’m surprised you could tell!”
“I… kinda got really interested in accents after visiting my cousins in Kentucky and kinda spent a lot of time on Umatube learning all the unique ones from around the US,” I admitted sheepishly. “So I am… actually kinda good at picking out where people are from.”
“That’s really impressive, Stormy, and… not something someone who is a ‘dummy’ would do,” Miss Jillian said, shaking her head. “And I don’t know the full meaning of that idiom, but I don’t think that you’re a ‘child of Susanoo’, either.”
“But what if I am cursed? And me trying to help my friends at the dock are why the… the boat went down?”
“That’s… a little beyond my expertise, Stormy, but… I am pretty sure even if you talked to a priest or priestess about it, they’d tell you the same thing.”
I thought back to Priestess Gekkin, and how calm she was. If I was cursed, she probably would have offered to exorcise me. So… that left…
“Did… it just happen?” I asked, realising I’d been painted into a mental corner. I was so used to things being my fault that the idea that things weren’t my fault felt… weird. “That it wasn’t my fault?”
“Stormy, unless you have a direct line to the god of storms and demanded that the boat sink, I highly doubt any of this was your fault,” Miss Jillian answered, grabbing her chin with her thumb and index finger in thought. “And while that would be impressive if you could talk to the O-kami, I doubt that you’d ask them to sink a boat with your friends still aboard, right?’
“Never!”
“So… this was a tragedy. And unfortunately, these are often harder for people who have a strong internal sense of control.”
“What do you mean by that?” I asked. “Like I am thinking I control everything?”
“Mm, less that, and more that you think that you can influence the world around you. It shows in how you will leap to take responsibility for your mistakes, which is a good thing to do, but at the same time, when things happen beyond your control…” Miss Jillian trailed off, and and made a motion like she was snapping a twig between her hands. “Then your worldview makes it really, really hard to accept just how helpless you are.”
“I… get that intellectually? Like I have always known that I was small and couldn’t fix things. It’s why I was always worried when my dad went out on the helicopter. Because I couldn’t… do anything to help him,” I explained. “I know that’s probably silly but…”
“Actually it makes me curious where that comes from,” Miss Jillian said, looking thoughtful. “Because your mom is a therapist, and it’s… one of the things that we usually try to teach our kids not to do.”
“What?”
“As therapists, we’re trained to look for the signs that our children are becoming parentified. That means that you act like you need to take care of your parents, instead of the other way around. I’m not saying that your mother and father didn’t, just that it sounds like you felt responsible for their happiness.”
“Is… that not normal?” I asked, genuinely confused. “I feel like I have to take care of everyone, and try to make them happy.”
“Why?”
It was a simple question, and yet my brain ground to a halt at it.
Why did I think I needed to try to take care of everyone else’s happiness? I couldn’t think of a single reason for why I started doing that, nor when. I thought I just… was doing what everyone else thought was normal?
Because I did that with Empress and Bubbles back home. I’d skip movies I wanted to see because they wanted to see something different. I did it with Dober and Taiki, making sure that Dober was taken care of, which was why I’d felt awful for being so… broken when the Maru went down because I failed at taking care of her.
“Because?” I answered after a moment. “I… I don’t know why? I just always have?”
“That… may be something to look at in therapy with me, Stormy,” Miss Jillian said gently, her brows furrowed in concern. “Does that sound like a good goal?”
“I… guess?”
Miss Jillian leaned forward. “Stormy, if you don’t want to, I don’t want you to agree with me just because that’s what you do.”
I felt myself shrink down on the couch again. Damnit, Miss Jillian had my number, and knew when to call it out.
“I… mean I probably should work on that but… right now I just want to feel less sad all the time,” I admitted.
“I think that’s a great goal. Thank you for sharing it with me!” I hated how I perked up at the praise. “I do think we should meet weekly for at least the next month or two. Is this a good time to meet with you?”
“It gets me out of Trig. Yes. Please. Please get me out of math class.”
Miss Jillian laughed, then handed me a pre-written pass. “This should get you back to class, but I don’t have homework for you this week. Next week we’ll do a little more formal assessment, but… Stormy please think about the idea that not everything is your fault. We’ll work on helping you feel less sad, but I also think that working on that will help you in the long run as well.”
“Y-yes Miss Jillian,” I replied, taking the pass, and standing to leave. “Um… does this mean I can run now?”
“Yes Stormy, I’ll let your trainer know you can run again.”
“Thank you!”
“Stormy, I need to work with Maya today,” Belno said when I showed up at practice late that evening. “But I wanted you to do some stamina training. So here’s what you’ll do. I want you to run on the 2400m track at a slow pace. I don’t want to see laps faster than four minutes, okay?”
“You got it, Belno,” I said, just happy to be running again. Four minute laps were very slow, but I knew that it was designed to help build stamina. One of the things Belno and I had talked about when we worked together leading up to the Hopeful Stakes had been entering me into longer races as well as dirt ones. Dirt didn’t scare me, nor did longer races, but… I worried how much my downtime being a depressed lump had destroyed my form.
I let my mind wander as I slowly jogged around the track. I felt like it had been spinning since Miss Jillian asked me why I felt I was responsible for everyone’s happiness.
Emotionally I felt like I was. Even when I’d first met Dober, I’d picked up on her anxiety and felt I needed to do something to help her. But… why?
It was the first time I’d stopped to think about why I was doing something, as opposed to just… doing it? Not that there was anything wrong with just acting, but I found out young that my impulsive jumps into things often got me scolded. So I tended to watch and wait and then act. But… why did I feel like I needed to make sure everyone else was happy?
I liked making people happy. The fishermen on the dock always smiled when I was around. Dober and Taiki were happy to have me around. I liked being the freckled horsegirl that ran with all her heart.
But I was also so very afraid that if they knew how scared I was all the time. Scared that I said the wrong thing. Worried that I did something stupid and now the whole school hated me. I mean, my team liked me, and so did my friends, but… I still got weird looks. I really was the weird American that didn’t know when to not put her foot in her mouth or challenge people to races that she shouldn’t.
At least the golden generation seemed to think I was just… silly, as opposed to thinking I was actively a problem. Or at least that was the impression I got from El and King. I supposed I didn’t really know what Special Week or Seiun Sky thought of me. And I’d never really met Tsurumaru Tsuyoshi, so there was that I supposed.
As I passed the Hishi Amazon standee again, I started to wonder why I was worried what my seniors thought of me. I mean, I would be running against my classmates. So knowing what girls like Fine Motion and Seeking the Pearl seemed more important than… my worries about what the older girls thought of me.
Was that really what high school was all about? Worrying constantly about different things, trying to figure out how to fit in dating, school work, races, and sleep all into a day? Especially days that were fairly full? I struggled to find the answers, and really never found one that was satisfactory.
The sun sank below the horizon and the track’s lights came on, but I hardly noticed as I found myself lost in my own thoughts.
“Stormy! Stormy, what the hell?” Belno called out to me, and I slowed to a stop, looking at her with confusion. “Have you been running this whole time?”
“Uh… yes? Cause you told me to?” I replied, then realised I was getting a little winded. “How long have I been running?”
“Stormy we started at three. It’s almost five-thirty.”
“Oh.”
“Don’t you ‘oh’ me, come get a drink of water, you adorable doofus,” Belno said, shaking her head. “I… guess I don’t have to worry about your stamina after all, do I?”
“That was a concern?”
“Well, for context,” Belno said, passing me a water bottle. “Oguri usually couldn’t handle doing that exercise for more than a half an hour. But she also had stamina trouble.”
I drank deeply from the water bottle, realising I was parched, but I at least I didn’t feel cold. Well, until my sweat started evaporating in the cold January air, and I realised I was soaked with it and rapidly freezing.
“I th-think I wanna go inside now,” I admitted, shivering. “Now that I’m not running, it’s kinda cold out here…”
“Yeah, let’s go get you a shower and some dinner,” Belno shook her head. “I am sorry, Stormy, I thought you’d gotten bored and gone off to run with Taiki to help her prep for her race that’s coming up. It wasn’t until I was getting ready to turn off the lights that I saw you were still running, and goddesses are you not tired after all that?”
“Not really?” I admitted, “My heart was going pretty quickly, but that was a slow, steady pace. I’m pretty sure if you wanted me to run for 3600m that would be a different story though.”
“I may have you try that tomorrow,” Belno muttered. “Considering you may have picked up GiGi’s genes for stamina after all,” she lightly patted my head. “But yeah, go shower, warm up, and I’ll see you at dinner okay? And… good job out there, Stormy.”
I joined Belno, Taiki, and Dober for dinner. Tonight’s offering was gyudon, and while I didn’t want an egg on mine, I started inhaling the delicious japanese take on beef and onion bowls.
“Are you feeling prepared for your race, Taiki?” Belno asked. “I know that Trainer Toujou is probably helping you out, but if you want to run against Stormy, I’ve cleared her for running.”
“Oh, I’d be real grateful if I could. I know that the Fairy Stakes is only a G3, but since it’s the first race of the year, I wanna start it off with a bang!” Taiki said, making finger guns and ‘pew-pew’ noises. “So if you’re up for it Stormy, I’d love a mock race!”
“I could ask trainer Kiryuin if I can join, too,” Dober offered. “Then you’ve got two different styles of runners to race against. Me in the back, and Stormy up front!”
“I mean, I could also late surge if you want me to,” I added after quickly swallowing a mouthful of meat and rice. “Whatever is more helpful.”
“I’d prefer if you did some more front running, Stormy,” Belno said, nibbling on her rice. “I know you’re still working on the mental game of it, but really, the more you front run, the more comfortable you’ll be there. Besides, you’ll only lose if both Taiki and Dober pass you.”
“But don’t think I won’t try to catch your tail!” Taiki said, her eye serious for a moment. “It may be for practice, but I still wanna win.”
“I get that, Taiki. And on a mile, I’m pretty sure you’ll have the advantage with those strong legs of yours!” I chuckled. “Everyone already thinks you’re gonna be the mightest miler. Gonna put me to the test later this year at the NHK Mile Cup.”
“You bet! I’m gonna win, Stormy! Ker-pow!” Taiki acted like she shot me with her finger gun, and blew smoke off of the barrel. I made her start giggling as I feigned getting shot and fell over the dinner table with all the drama of a bad guy from a spaghetti western.
“No! Stormy! Not like this!” Dober said, surprising me by joining us for the ‘drama’, and flopped over my back. “I’ll give you mouth to mouth if it helps!”
I turned bright red. “D-dober!”
Dober seemed to realise what she’d said, and got off of my back, before burying her head in her arms. “Oh no. Your impulsive words are infecting my brain, Stormy!”
“I’m sorry!”
“Stormy, why are you apologizing?” Taiki asked. “I mean, aside from the fact that you apologize for everything, even if it ain’t your fault.”
I opened my mouth to respond, then closed it and stared down at the table as what Taiki said echoed what I’d heard from Miss Jillian. Oh.
“Uh… are you okay, Stormy?” Belno asked, skewing an ear to the side at me. “You’ve got that ‘I’m overthinking something’ look on your face again.”
“Wait, I have a face for that?”
My friends all nodded in unison, and I sighed.
“I just… realised that the therapist said that earlier to day. She seems to think I have anxiety or something.”
I looked up, and realised that everyone at the dinner table wore deadpan expressions.
“Um…”
“Stormy, not to be rude, but you… sort of fret about everything? Always?” Dober said, patting my shoulder.
“I mean, you also made yourself so anxious you got sick,” Belno added.
“I’m pretty sure if a murderer slit your throat, you’d apologize for getting blood on their shirt,” Taiki mused.
I buried my face in my hands. Oh great. I had a problem and everyone except me noticed! I screamed quietly into my hands, the sound thankfully lost in the din of the cafeteria’s dinner conversations.
Dober rubbed my back.
“I thought you knew that? Like, you picked up on my anxiety so quickly and knew relaxation techniques, so I assumed it was because of your own anxiety,” she said, her ears wilting. “You seriously never considered that?”
“I… learned those things because mom wanted me to help people at school! Or… so I thought?” I replied, pinching the bridge of my nose as I pinned my ears back. “I seriously thought I was being helpful.”
“Well, you were helpful for me at Grandmother’s house,” Dober explained. “But um… yeah no this wasn’t exactly news to us.”
“If you all excuse me, I will be trying to shrivel up into a tiny dried pea…” I whimpered, feeling extremely foolish. Of course I missed that I was having anxiety. Because at the end of the day, not only was I anxious, I was also apparently incredibly stupid. I grabbed my tray, leaving my gyudon half-finished. “I’m… gonna just head back to the dorms. I have homework to catch up on.”
“Stormy, hey!”
Dober and Taiki called after me, but I just… didn’t want to be around people at the moment. I dropped off my tray, and slipped quietly out of the cafeteria, not bothering to look back.
I was probably being immature, just walking away like that, but… it did hurt a little bit to realise that my friends were aware that I had a problem with anxiety and I somehow didn’t. I wasn’t upset with them for not telling me, to be fair. I was upset with myself that I never realised that I was having a problem! The psychogenic fever should have been a warning sign, but… no. Little stupid Stormy couldn’t put two and two together and get four.
The January chill briefly tore through me as I walked from the cafeteria to Miho, and I was so in my head that I nearly ran into Super Creek as I walked in the door.
“Oh my! I’m sorry, Stormy!”
“Oh gosh, I’m so sorry, Miss Creek!” I stammered, having nearly bounced off of my former dorm mom. “I… what are you doing here at Miho?”
“I was just finishing up coordinating with Hishi Amazon now that she’s home. I am about to start my maternity leave, but I had a few pieces of business I wanted to get finished first,” Super Creek explained, her blue eyes gentle. “Though are you doing alright? I haven’t been able to talk to you since…” she trailed off, frowning like she was unsure what to say.
“Um, I’m doing okay,” I lied. “I just… you know, you take it one day at a time. I’m sorry to lose you as our dorm mom, Super Creek. But I’m sure you’re gonna make a great one for your baby!” I replied with a smile.
Super Creek gave me a look like she was pretty sure I was hiding something, but wasn’t sure if she needed to say something. Instead, she put her hands on my shoulders.
“Well, if you ever need anything, ask Hishiama and she can get you in contact with me. I made the same offer to Sky Sailor, though I don’t expect either of you will actually reach out,” she said. “But you take care of yourself, okay, Stormy?”
“I will!” I said, trying to smile back at her, and realising I was going to miss Super Creek horribly. “Sorry, I should let you go,” I said, swallowing a lump in my throat. “I’m going to miss you though.”
Super Creek wrapped her arms around me in a hug, and I burst into tears.
“I’m so sorry!” I sniffled. “I didn’t think I’d get emotional about this!”
“When I was younger and helped out at my parent’s daycare, there were always kids that cried when they were going off to elementary school and wouldn’t see me anymore,” Super Creek said quietly. “You’re just a bit taller than those kids, Stormy. It’s okay to have feelings. And maybe,” she broke the hug and looked down at me. “Maybe remind yourself that it’s okay to talk about what you are going through with your friends?”
“I’ll try to better about that, Miss Creek,” I said, wiping tears from my eyes. “But, please take care of yourself. And bring your baby around when you have them! I’m sure they’ll be super cute if they get your blue eyes!”
Super Creek covered her mouth with her hand as she giggled.
“I’ll make sure to stop by and say hello to all the girls when he or she arrives,” she replied, then patted me on top of the head. “Take care, Stormy.”
I watched her as she sashayed out of the dorm for the last time, and felt that rising lump in my throat coming back. Maybe I needed to add ‘horrible at goodbyes’ to my flaws that needed some work.
Shaking my head, I went back to our dorm, and in spite of telling my friends that I needed to do homework, I ended up laying down on my bed, curling up around Phantom, and falling asleep with a sad smile on my face.
“President Rudolf, do you really need me with you?” I asked, following Symboli Rudolf to the Director’s Office three days later.
The President stopped, then turned to face me.
“Technically, no, I don’t,” she admitted. “But Stormy, I do think this could be helpful for you. I think having your feelings heard on the matter are important. And you were the one that suggested that Tracen try to do something to help recovery efforts.” She tilted her head to the side. “Do you want to stop being involved, Stormy? You can stop at any time.”
“No,” I said, shaking my head. “I just… am worried I’ll either be more useful as a decorative pillow, or that I’ll get caught up underfoot, but verbally?”
“Ah, so you’re feeling anxious?” President Rudolf asked, leaning down so she could look me in the eyes. “That’s pretty normal. I was very anxious the first time I took over as Student Council President. I took over for Mr. CB and Maruzensky, I was the seven crown emperor, but I knew nothing of leadership. So I definitely walked in to meet with Director Akikawa’s mother, and my mouth felt so dry I was afraid I wasn’t going to be able to speak. But I did, and,” her pink eyes were gentle as she spoke, “you will be fine too. If you don’t feel you can speak, just wait until you feel you can.”
“Okay, I’ll… be following your lead, Miss President.”
President Rudolf nodded, before turning to knock on the Director’s door. I’d never met Director Akikawa in person, but I had seen her around the practice tracks at times. She was a rather petite young woman, and didn’t seem to be much older than us. That thought stayed with me as her very young sounding voice called out ‘Enter!’ in response to the President’s knock.
“Ah! President Rudolf! Greetings! And I see you have a student with you. Stupendous! How can I help you today?” Director Akikawa stood in front of her desk that was… likely far too large for her frame. As the president and I approached, I realised that the director was shorter than I was, with a small amount of smug satisfaction.
“This is Coastal Storm, one of our transfer students,” President Rudolf said, introducing me as I gave the director a polite bow. “As for the reason we are here, Director, I was hoping that we might be able to dust off an old project of yours,” President Rudolf began. “I remember how a long time ago, we had the Unity Cup, and while that was often a point of stress for some students, I’d like to borrow the rules for a possible project.”
“A possible project you say? Explain!”
“Coastal Storm?” President Rudolf turned to me, and I desperately clung to the three days of media training that Air Groove had drilled into me.
“As you know, not only were people made homeless by the White Hurricane, but there were a lot of tragedies that affected students at school. On top of that, the damage to Sapporo and Hakodate racecourses were rather severe, to say nothing of the damage done to the regional schools that are up there,” I took a breath, trying to steady myself. “I… had an idea of possibly doing charity races to try to raise monies for charities that were providing relief and assistance after the storm? Initially I suggested the Fishermen’s Benefit Fund because…” I swallowed, trying to not hit the pain button. “Because I had made friends with the crew of a boat that went down in the storm. But President Rudolf liked the idea so much that she wanted to see if we could broaden our reach.”
“Tracen Academy is not only a high school and college for those from the Tokyo Area, but from all over Japan,” President Rudolf explained, pulling out a file of notes she had prepared for her proposal. “We have students from all over the country, and I would like to utilize the Unity Cup rules to promote races at regional tracks that may not get as much attention for this fund raiser. A… fund racer, if you will.”
Director Akikawa smirked at the President’s use of a pun.
“Amazing! I love the idea. But why are you presenting this to me, and not to the URA?” She asked, accepting the offered folder. “This sounds like something that they could use their broad reach for.”
“Yes, and I plan to present this proposal to the URA as well. I also expect them to tell me that it would be impossible to arrange this year,” President Rudolf explained. “I expect to be told no, and I felt that if this were run by Tracen students, as well as those of regional training academies, we may be able to showcase not only the talents of local talent and Tracen students from the area, but also be able to provide a more… targeted assistance to local charities in need.”
“Um,” I spoke up, and both adult women looked at me. “The idea would be to try to help specific charities if possible. Like the Fishermen’s Benefit fund was one, but I also know that the Mombetsu Racing School in southern Hokkaido could use financial assistance with making repairs to their school and tracks. At least, that was President Rudolf’s suggestion.”
“I see,” Director Akikawa said. “And you would like Tracen to lead the charge, as it were, to this project, knowing we may not have the backing of the URA?”
“I would, Director,” President Rudolf said, sounding the slightest bit relieved. “I feel that we can do this, and it also provides an opportunity to assist regional schools as well as bring hope to our wounded home. We needn’t suffer tragedies alone.”
Director Akikawa nodded, then snapped open her fan, which bore the word ‘excellent’.
“I will look over your proposal, President Rudolf. Though I do hope that you are able to get through to the URA. This would be far, far easier with their help,” she said, turning to face out the windows of her office. “However, should your fears come true, I will assist in whatever way I can.”
“Thank you, Director Akikawa. We appreciate your time.”
President Rudolf and I both bowed and made our exit from the Director’s office.
“Do you think she’ll say yes?” I asked, unsure of how to read the petite director.
“I’m fairly certain she will. She knows my chances with the URA are slim. Or if they agree, they will likely come with strings attached,” Rudolf said, which made me flatten my ears against my skull.
“I don’t like the sound of that.”
The President chuckled as she glanced down at me. “You really do remind me of Belno Light at times. I know your racing prowess is something all your own, but your perceptiveness reminds me of her in her younger days. I mean that as a compliment.”
“Oh I took it as one. I look up to Belno a lot. And I try to let her know that I appreciate her guidance on and off the track,” I admitted. “I just… also didn’t like the edge in your voice when you mentioned strings. And whenever I have to deal with adults, I feel like I have to use the sort of skills I need to fight through a pack to get through to the front just to… not get bowled over by their wants.”
“I wish it wasn’t like that, Stormy, but sometimes I find myself agreeing with you,” Rudolf said, her ears drooping. “But we’ll worry about that in a week. But thank you for coming with me. I know having a student’s voice that wasn’t mine went a long way toward getting the Director on our side. Not that it was all that hard to get her to agree with us.”
“Oh?”
“The Director, at her core, wants to make the world a better place for all Umamusume, and this sort of event will help with that dream.”
“Madam President, I didn’t know you could be such a schemer!” I teased.
“It just goes to show that sometimes people are more than they scheme.”
I made sure to groan politely at the pun.