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Legend pouts. Honest to Hylia pouts. Hyrule's surprised he doesn't start scuffing at the dirt with the toes of his boots and crossing his arms. It's kind of hilarious.
"Come on, Cotera," the Vet whines to the Great Mother, "you said I could always come to you for help!"
Hyrule very much doubts that, and yet the Great Mother makes no moves to refute him. Legend uses her name and claims the impossible, only to have silence prove him right. If anything, the Great Mother's fond look grows even fonder. Still, she denies his request. Her gaze does not flicker to Hyrule, but he shivers as her magic narrows in on the spaces around him.
Firmly, a bit sternly, the Great Mother refutes, "I will not aid in your foolish quest to get yourselves and the baby killed."
The words take a moment to settle, but when they do, Hyrule chokes.
Did she seriously just--
"Baby?" Legend parrots, brows furrowed in confused contemplation. He knows as well as Hyrule does that the Great Mothers know Hylian ages, and that their use of language is always intentional. A baby, a child, and a teenager are always different things, only ever grouped together as little ones. No matter the era, the laws of babyhood remain the same.
Wind starts forward like a man on fire. "Now you listen here, lady--Great Fairy, whatever! I am not a baby! I'm a seasoned fighter and I'm not gonna die to a bunch of lizal-fucks! Just give us the directions already!"
The Great Mother raises a brow, an only-slightly less fond look shifting to the young hero. She says, "As tiny and amusing as you are, little Hero, I was not talking about you."
It is in that moment that the both of them turn to look at Hyrule. Wind looks confused, and frankly still a little offended, his hands on his hips and expression caught between cross and lost. For his part, Legend seems like he's reserving judgement until Hyrule can explain himself.
The Vet raises a brow and demands, "Well?"
Hyrule wilts.
"You are not a baby," Wind says decidedly, almost like he's trying to convince Hyrule of it.
Hyrule's cheeks warm and he agrees, "I--no, technically--"
Legend cuts him off with an exasperated, "What do you mean technically? There should not be a 'technically' anywhere in that sentence, Hyrule!"
Hyrule laughs and hopes it doesn't sound too nervous.
"It's--fairies don't age like Hylians, right?" he tries. When he's met with comprehending looks, he continues, "And I've got that spell that lets me turn into one of them. So fairies and Hylians view my age differently."
Wind nods like that makes perfect sense, and maybe it does, but Legend just looks at him funny. Hyrule tries not to squirm under that assessing, curious gaze.
"Tiniest one," the Great Mother chides in her great, resonant voice, "I do not know what your Mother teaches you, but in my home, lying is not polite."
Hyrule flinches.
Right. Knew he was forgetting something.
Petulantly, he refutes, "I did not lie, at any point, in your home."
When his focus flickers back to the other heroes, he wilts under Legend's even more scrutinizing look.
"But you were being deceptive," Legend says. Hyrule can practically see him thinking, puzzle pieces slotting together seamlessly.
"About what, though?" Wind asks.
Hyrule swallows.
"Nothing," he lies, and he doesn't even need to look to know the Great Mother is frowning at him.
His magic flares at her, huffing irritatedly. Honestly, she can fuck right off.
…he's kidding. He is so kidding. His magic wilts apologetically before the Great Mother.
"Hyrule! Are you a baby?" Wind demands.
"No! Not--"
The Great Mother shifts, frowning deeper.
He redirects, "According to some people! The fairies view me one way, and the Hylians another! No one in any of our towns has ever called me a baby; you know that!"
"And the fairies consider you a baby and not us because you can transform into a fairy?" Legend asks, damningly specific.
The Great Mother scoffs amusedly, "There are no spells that would allow one to transform into a fairy."
"No, no, he has a transformation spell," Wind disagrees flippantly, "I've seen it! He goes from this to tiny and glowing with teeny little wings."
The Great Mother nods. "It is a very impressive feat. I imagine it takes much magic to sustain a form so large."
Wind pauses.
"Large," he echoes, his brows furrowed in concentration.
Legend sighs and pleads, "Rulie, buddy, answer me honestly here. Are you a baby fairy?"
"I--" Hyrule looks down at his hands, fingers twisting and untwisting together.
He's caught and he knows it.
"I have been alive for sixteen years," he answers honestly. He didn't lie about that.
"But?"
Hyrule's shoulders slump with defeat. "Sixteen years is not very long for a fairy."
It felt like a long time, especially once he got his bigger form. Where time had been quick to pass before, the years he's spent on his own have drawn impossible long.
"How long?"
"Hmm?"
"How long is sixteen years for a fairy?"
The Great Mother answers this one, which is good because honestly Hyrule has no idea. "Some fairies only live for a few hundred years. To them, the baby would be considered a young child."
Legend frowns. "But most fairies live for close to a thousand years. That would make Hyrule, what, two? Less than?"
"And Great Fairies such as myself can live for several thousand years," the Great Mother agrees.
"Hence he is baby," Legend nods solemnly. "I see now."
Hyrule buries his face in his hands.
"Stop," he pleads, and he wants to melt into the floor right now please, "Stop seeing immediately."
Legend chuckles. He mirthfully admits, "I don't know if I can."
"Uh…"
Hyrule turns and Wind is looking at him like he's grown another head.
"Rulie's actually a baby?"
"I--to them," Hyrule says, loosely gesturing to the Great Mother. It's a bit disrespectful, but if she was going to call him out on it, she probably would have already. Probably. Maybe. It's not like he has a good frame of reference for politeness, honestly. He did tell her to fuck off a second ago.
Still, when he turns back to the heroes, Wind's grin is blinding.
"Does that mean I'm not the youngest anymore?"
"No!" Hyrule immediately and fervently insists, "I'm older than you!"
"Hmm, I don't know about that," Legend chuckles, and Hyrule glares daggers at him.
"Sure he is," Wind agrees mirthfully, "Technically."
Hyrule groans despairingly and shoots a wayward plea toward the goddess he's heard so much about these past few months.
Hylia, if you're out there: fucking end me.
Whether it's a stroke of divine intervention or just the fact that the sailor really is one of the more responsible members of the chain when it comes down to it, Wind casually redirects, "Mmm-hmm, baby Rulie, very cool. What are we gonna do about the directions situation, though?"
Legend hums.
"Listen, Cotera," Legend tries, "Hyrule's an experienced adventurer! He knows how to handle himself."
The Great Mother looks distinctly unimpressed. "Perhaps. Much like yourselves, he should not have to, and unlike yourselves, I have the ability to prevent it."
Legend pulls a face--not quite disagreement, but not quite acquiescence either--and furrows his brow in focus.
"How about this? I, Link Alphonson, Hero of Legend, swear I'll do everything I can to keep Hyrule safe and happy."
Hyrule jerks, whipping around to stare at Legend.
What the hell is he thinking?
An impossible promise like that made to a Great Mother is practically damning himself! And, uh, also Hyrule!?
"I accept your promise," the Great Mother says, far too quickly, smiling like that cat who caught the cream and got the canary free of charge. Hyrule shudders. "I assure you I will take good care of the baby."
Legend shakes his head, smiling politely and a little guilefully. "Safe and happy, Cotera. You know as well as I that he would not be happy here. He has the soul of a hero, after all."
The Great Mother pauses.
Hyrule isn't sure what to expect at the very obvious disrespect. Playing a Great Mother for a fool is hardly a light sin, after all. Her grin grows, splitting across her face. Her laugh is like church bells, a chime that booms and echoes across the treetops.
"Hmm. Well played, little one," she says, instead of smashing him to death under her hands, "I suppose I must aid you, then."
"I suppose you must."
---
The reality of the situation doesn't really set in until they're approaching the group.
"If you ever tell anyone about this, I will kill you," Hyrule, a bit suddenly, hisses at the two of them.
Legend doesn't even falter, just rolling his eyes and ducking under yet another tree branch.
"I did promise to try to keep you happy, didn't I? I doubt spilling all your secrets fulfills that."
"It doesn't," Hyrule agrees sharply, "And that was a stupid fucking promise to make!"
Legend shrugs. "I mean, it worked, didn't it?"
Yeah, but--oh, the nagging. The passive aggressive nagging. The nagging that refuses to call itself nagging and whacks you in the knees if you try. The nagging that just magically asserted itself into his life whether he likes it or not, whether Legend likes it or not. Though, going off of the Vet's sly grin back at the Fountain, he's not betting on this being some miserable task he's unfortunately forced himself into.
Hyrule can feel the headache coming on already.
The sailor snorts and Hyrule's focus--and ire--snaps over to him like a whip. His eyes are wide, pupils narrowed into pinpricks, and he feels a bit like he'd like to bite something. The other hero is unbothered.
"Oh, don't worry about me!" Wind says with a laugh that sounds a little wild, "I won't tell anyone it's you!"
Hyrule narrows his eyes, not sure if the feeling in his gut is dread or curiosity.
"What do you mean?"
Wind's grin is downright feral. "I'm gonna wait a few days and then tell the Captain and the Rancher I'm not technically the youngest anymore. It'll drive them crazy trying to guess who it is!"
"Assuming they even believe you," Legend cuts in dryly.
Wind laughs. It's really more like a cackle. "Oh, they will! I never lie about this kind of stuff!"
"You said Wild was the oldest last week!" Hyrule says, eyes narrowed skeptically.
Wind grins back, unblinking.
"Technically," he echoes, and Hyrule has no idea what he means.
He shivers.
"Technically," Hyrule agrees, backing away from the sailor slowly.
He can already imagine how Wars and Twi are going to devolve, slowly but surely descending into madness. He meets Legend's gaze and the Vet shakes his head solemnly.
May Hylia have mercy on their mother-henning souls.
---