Chapter Text
When I step through the door of my apartment, my tears have finally stopped. I let the door slam against the frame. There’s noise inside. Maybe from the living room or the kitchen? But I don’t lift my head. I lean against the wall to take off my shoes, abandoning them behind me. I don’t even bother putting them away.
My face is still damp from the tears that wouldn’t stop falling all the way from the studio to here. I sniffle a little, wiping my runny nose with the back of my hand. I can’t even be disgusted by it anymore. I try to keep my breathing steady to stop the remaining tremors.
When I finally lift my head, Anxin is standing in the middle of the hallway in front of me. He doesn’t say anything. He just looks at me with his back straight, a stable presence in a world that’s collapsing. His eyes are shiny. I can see worry deep in his gaze, but no trace of pity. I couldn’t blame him even if there were. I must really look like a disaster right now.
My eyes catch Jiahao’s a few meters behind him. As if he knew this moment was meant for Anxin and me. Under their lingering gazes, my breathing quickens along with my heartbeat. I feel my throat tighten again. My shoulders start trembling, shaken by sobs I couldn’t hold back. Then tears rush down my cheeks, following the same path as so many before them.
My best friend still says nothing. He simply walks calmly down the hallway until he stops right in front of me. Without a word, his arms wrap gently around me. Every movement is soft, precise, and tender, as if I were made of glass. As if any clumsy gesture could break me.
And honestly, I think that’s true.
His hands press firmly against my back. He pulls me close to him, leaving no distance between us. He fills a void I hadn’t even realized was there. Yet it’s been there ever since I left Leo behind at the studio. I let my head rest on his shoulder as I finally give in to the sadness I feel. I cling to him, clutching his t-shirt between my fingers. I struggle to catch my breath. Anxin holds me up so I don’t collapse. One of his hands slowly moves up into my hair. He strokes it gently, trying to ground me in the moment.
My face is soaked with tears again. Anxin’s t-shirt suffers the same fate. I stay lost in that fog for a little while longer. My head starts spinning from lack of oxygen. But eventually, once the sobbing fit fades, all that’s left is sadness. The tears finally stop, and my breathing calms.
But even when Anxin notices the shift in my body, he doesn’t move. He keeps holding me. He lets me take the time I need. He doesn’t rush me.
I eventually pull back slightly. But Anxin’s hands don’t leave my body. One of them slides carefully down my arm. He stops just before the reddened, slightly burned area. His eyes don’t leave it. He only pulls away to turn his head toward Jiahao. They seem to communicate silently. Jiahao ends up nodding before disappearing down the hallway.
Anxin pulls me gently so I’ll follow him to the living room. I don’t say anything and just follow, my shoulders slumped from exhaustion. I let him guide me to the couch. Jiahao comes back with a box of tissues, disinfectant, burn cream, and bandages. I didn’t even know we had all that at home.
— Sanghyeon called me. He told me what happened this morning at the café. So Hao hyung went to buy this.
I now understand why Anxin is home on a Saturday afternoon. I feel a little bad for making him cancel whatever he had planned for today. I also need to apologize to Sanghyeon for ditching him like that. But not now my head is killing me.
I don’t say anything out loud. I don’t trust myself enough. I know my voice will crack if I try. I just let him pull my arm toward him. I shiver when I feel a wet cloth rubbing my irritated skin. But the sting of friction is quickly replaced by the coolness of the cream.
The room is silent as I try to steady my breath. I sniffle again, but the tears are finally gone. Anxin’s gaze feels heavy on me. I can tell by the way he looks at me that he wants to say something.
But the moment he opens his mouth, there’s pounding on the front door. Loud, harsh, almost desperate. It doesn’t stop for nearly a full minute. Then Leo’s voice echoes behind it. I immediately recognize it, of course. I don’t really understand what he’s saying. Honestly, the only thing I catch is my name echoing through the hallway. My neighbors are going to think he’s insane, and once again he’s drawing attention to himself. He knows perfectly well there are tons of students living in the neighborhood. I’ll never understand him.
Jiahao gets up, probably to open the door, but I signal him not to. He looks at me wide-eyed but sits back down in front of me.
I couldn’t say how long it takes for the knocking to stop, for the yelling to fade, until everything disappears. Anxin’s gaze shifts from the door to me. His brows are furrowed as if he’s trying to understand what just happened. The only thing that reassures me is that he has no idea who Leo is or what he looks like. So I don’t need to go into any of the details I can’t and don’t want to talk about, right now. Maybe I’ll tell him that the guy I slept with in our kitchen wrote a song telling everyone what happened. One day, when we’re forty. I think I need those eighteen years to recover.
— I was seeing someone. But it’s over.
Anxin’s eyes widen at my confession. He never stopped teasing me about my sudden disappearances, but now he still seems surprised.
— Sangwon, why didn’t you tell me… What happened for you to end up like this?
I swallow hard. I don’t want to lie. But my brain goes back to Leo again, his confession, his fear of public opinion, and his album coming out soon. So I swallow every word.
— He was like everyone else… In the end, it was just my looks that mattered. And he doesn’t seem ready to accept that he’s attracted to men yet. And… I’m tired of being a secret. So I ended it.
Those last words are hard to say. I’m the one who ended it. So why am I crying like this? Why does it hurt so much, even when I know it’s the right decision?
Anxin must notice the panic taking over me because his hand rests gently on my shoulder. It slides slowly down my arm to rub my back.
— Well, at least you learned your lesson since Harry June. You didn’t desperately chase after him this time.
I look away, embarrassment heating my cheeks. I puff my cheeks out slightly as I take a deep breath. Of course Anxin had to bring that up.
— That’s not the same…
Anxin runs a hand through his hair, pretending to be annoyed, though his smile keeps growing. And I can see Jiahao trying to hide the same smile. They’re terrible at pretending they’re not making fun of me. But I guess they’re allowed after putting up with me for so long. Even Xinlong eventually refused to listen to me.
— Do you really want me to bring up how you asked that guy you were sleeping with to date you even though he was in love with someone in his class?
— I told you, I didn’t realize he was in love with Donggyu.
I hear Jiahao burst out laughing as I stare at the wall next to the living room. I can’t help smiling too. Only they can cheer me up like this. Even though my heart still aches, even though there’s still that emptiness in my chest. I know it’ll be okay. Because I’m not alone. And I hope Leo won’t be either. Even if he hurt me, I know he must be feeling everything I’m feeling too. So I hope he’s not going through all this alone.
But before I can worry about him more or be tempted to text him, the front door opens. My body tenses instantly at the thought that it could be him. I immediately look toward the hallway where hurried footsteps echo.
My chest fills with hope mixed with fear. Because right now, I’m barely resisting how drawn I am to Leo. And I know that just seeing him would undo all the effort I’ve made.
But instead, it’s Xinlong’s concerned figure that appears in the living room ten seconds after the door slams shut. His eyes scan the room before landing on me. Then his attention shifts to Anxin as he holds up a tub of strawberry ice cream.
— I got an urgent message from Anxin saying Sangwon hyung needed our help and ice cream. I grabbed strawberry since nothing was specified.
Anxin lets out a dramatic, despairing sigh as he collapses onto the couch.
— Ice as in ice cubes and cream because he burned himself. Two separate words, not all stuck together. And why did you get strawberry… I don’t even like that flavor.
I can’t help laughing at his reaction. Xinlong looks lost while Anxin continues flailing around. Jiahao just pinches the bridge of his nose. Honestly, I respect him. That can’t be easy every day. I get up, grab the ice cream from Xinlong’s hand, and head to the kitchen. I open the freezer and put it inside. When I come back, Anxin seems to have calmed down. Xinlong, now sitting next to Jiahao, glances at me before turning toward the older one with a voice he thinks is discreet but absolutely isn’t.
— Don’t tell me this is about Harry June again. I thought he moved on.
This time Jiahao can’t hold back his laughter. I don’t say anything. I just sigh, pushing Anxin aside so he’ll make room for me on the couch. I could retreat to my room and dwell on all of this alone. But I don’t want to be alone tonight. I don’t even complain when Anxin chooses a thriller we’ve already seen at least five times. I curl up in a corner of the couch. I let my mind empty itself. I’m not really watching the movie, but I’m not thinking about anything else either. Just finally some silence in my endless thoughts.
I wake up on the couch the next morning. Curled up on the edge, a blanket draped over my shoulders to keep me warm. Anxin and Jiahao are gone. I assume they moved to sleep in my roommate’s room. But what catches my attention is the noise coming from the kitchen. I rub my eyes gently before getting up to see what’s going on. As I get closer, I see Xinlong’s silhouette struggling with our coffee machine.
— Need help?
I feel a little bad for laughing when he jumps at the sound of my voice. He turns around, abandoning the fight. A capsule falls to the floor and rolls to my feet.
— I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up. I’m just trying to figure out how to put a capsule in.
I walk closer, chuckling. I don’t even need to look at the machine to know what’s wrong. After living with Anxin, I’m used to this kind of thing.
— It’s full. Anxin never empties it before using it. This is the second machine we’ve bought since we started living together. No matter how much I yell at him, he never listens.
— That’s just Anxin.
I laugh while trying to empty all the used capsules from the little compartment. Or at least trying to do it without staining the entire kitchen. And after ten minutes of intense work two spent emptying the machine and eight cleaning the floor, Xinlong finally gets his coffee.
He leans against the counter. But I can feel his eyes lingering a little too insistently on me. I try to pretend I didn’t notice as I prepare my own coffee. But in the end, he’s the one who breaks the silence.
— What happened?
He’s not talking about the little bit I told Jiahao and Anxin. But knowing Xinlong, that doesn’t mean he expects me to tell him everything. What he wants to know is how I feel. What put me in that state without needing the details.
I take a deep breath. The coffee machine makes a noise straight from hell, cutting off my thoughts. I watch the coffee drip into my cup but don’t reach for it.
— I’m pathetic. I knew to him it was just a meaningless night. But I wanted to believe he maybe cared about me.
Silence fills the kitchen. I don’t turn around. But I’m almost sure Xinlong is lifting his cup to his lips. He gives me time to process, to sort through my thoughts, to choose what I want to say or not.
— Was it him you were with when you weren’t coming home?
I nod. My fingers finally curl around the handle of my cup. I turn to face him. He doesn’t even seem surprised. I guess Sanghyeon must’ve shared his questionable theories with him too.
— I thought he wanted more than just my body. I was ready to keep quiet if it meant staying with him. That’s why I didn’t tell you guys anything.
Xinlong’s brows furrow. But he doesn’t insist, even though I can tell he wants to. He lifts his cup again, finishes it, and sets it down on the counter beside him.
— How do you feel?
I can’t help letting out a small, amused sigh. I couldn’t even define all the emotions swirling through me right now.
— I don’t really know. I just need to learn to live with it for now. But I’ll get over it.
Xinlong nods slowly. His expression grows less serious. And I hope this conversation ends soon. It’s a bit too early for my brain to go back to thinking about Leo. I’d like to think about something else at least for today.
— You’re still coming with us to the concert next Sunday. It might help take your mind off things.
I want to refuse immediately. Tell him that instead, I’ll just end up face-to-face again with the one who broke my heart. But when I see the hopeful look in Xinlong’s eyes, I know I can’t. I had almost forgotten he has a little crush on Geonwoo. This might be his only chance to meet him. He was so excited about it. He and Sanghyeon won’t stop talking about it.
I swallow, trying to keep a natural expression even though my whole body tenses. I nod quickly. I can’t bring myself to crush his hopes. And I know Xinlong won’t let me spend the weekend sulking while they all go to the concert. He’d skip it too if I refused.
— Yeah, you’re probably right.
Even though I did everything to avoid it, I still end up lost in the middle of the crowd. Everything feels exactly like the day I met him. And once again, I don’t want to be here.
My friends are amazed around me. Sanghyeon is clinging to my arm. I stare at the still–empty stage, yet the room is already full. To my great misfortune, we’re way better placed than last time. We’re close to the barricade. If we can perfectly see the stage, that means they can see us too. This situation is awful. It’s too hot, the smell of sweat is suffocating, and the noise is giving me a headache. Maybe it’s also the anxiety of seeing Leo again after avoiding him for more than a week. And now that he finally seems to have given up trying to contact me, I find myself in front of him, in his element. The one where he’s the most confident, the most charismatic, and completely in his place.
I don’t even know why I bothered getting ready. Maybe because I wanted him to regret what he did to me. I know I'm not the only one attracted to the older one. I’ve noticed the way Leo looks at me. But I’m starting to regret my choice. My waist and stomach are too visible because of the crop top I’m wearing. I feel eyes glued to me. Fingers brushing them every time the crowd moves. I was so irritated that I made sure to lean on the barricade, letting my friends gush behind me.
Suddenly I feel someone push me forward. The exhaustion from the many days of work hits me. I turn to the person who just did that, ready to snap back. But my expression freezes when I see who’s standing next to me. My eyes scan his whole body. My shoulders relax slightly as surprise washes over me.
— Sangwon hyung. It’s been a while.
I open my mouth several times, trying to respond, but no sound comes out. I’m too shocked. I haven’t seen him since I learned he was dating Donggyu.
— Harry June, hey.
He just smiles at me. As if he never broke my heart. I stay slightly withdrawn, as if I know his boyfriend could appear at any moment. I know once again that I was the one who imagined things. We were nothing to each other. I was the only one who had feelings. But I can’t pretend it didn’t hurt when he abandoned me for someone else.
That’s when I began to hate when people talk about me. Because my body is the only thing people care about. Once they get what they want from me, they leave. Because I don’t interest them my personality and my feelings don’t matter when you have a pretty face.
I shiver when I feel his eyes run along my body and my exposed skin. Even though it’s the place I tried to avoid the most, my eyes drift to the stage, trying to escape his gaze.
My heart is beating way too fast. I can’t tell if it’s because of the situation or the crowd continuing to push forward. Harry June is far too close to me. His arm rests on the barricade beside my waist. I feel the heat of his skin radiate against mine. My friends don’t even seem to have noticed he’s there.
— I didn’t know you liked this group. I didn’t think rock would be your thing.
I jump when I hear his voice too close to my ear. I turn toward him, surprised. I wasn’t expecting him to stay this close, nor to even start a conversation with me.
— Not really. But I discovered them thanks to Sanghyeon.
My eyes drift to the youngest. He seems lost in his own world. He’s clinging to the barrier like a wild animal. The woman in charge of security side–eyeing him. My attention shifts back to Harry June. He laughs softly at Sanghyeon’s behavior. Yet his gaze never leaves me, and I don’t really know how to take it.
— Actually, I’m not with Donggyu anymore.
My eyes widen at his words. They’re not together anymore? I had no idea. But the real reason for my surprise is why he’s telling me this now.
They’re all the same.
I wanted to answer him, but I didn’t know what to say. A mix of disappointment and anger swirls inside me. Now that he’s single, he notices me again. But just as I’m about to respond, the music starts. I take the opportunity to turn my gaze toward the stage. I try my best to ignore the presence next to me.
The first song begins. Then I see Geonwoo appear on stage. He’s quickly followed by the other members of his group. Leo is the last to step up on stage. My breath catches in my throat. I hoped I wouldn’t confront him this soon. But I have to admit I missed him. Even if the pain is still there when I remember what he did. Yet I can’t look away from him. He still draws all the attention. But I can’t help noticing he seems less bright. His smile looks smaller, it no longer reaches his eyes like before. His energy feels more forced, less natural. It’s almost like he’s forcing himself to perform. And coming from him, who gave up everything to pursue his dream, that’s more than surprising.
I stay frozen in front of the show, unlike everyone around me. My eyes remain fixed on him as my body reacts despite myself to the sound of his voice. It shivers at each of his words, triggering sensations I wish I could forget. Then at the end of the first song, when his gaze sweeps over the crowd, he finally sees me. I can see how he loses the rhythm and messes up two words when his eyes land on me. I know because I heard that song far too many times when I spent my nights in the studio with him.
And from that moment, I can feel his attention lingering on me for way too long. Every break he takes to interact with the audience is just long minutes spent staring at me. He doesn’t even try to be subtle. Even his members quickly notice his strange behavior. It won’t take long before his fans do too.
— Don’t you think their singer keeps looking over here? Maybe some girl caught his eye.
Harry June is too close. I jump when I feel his arm wrap around my shoulders. I don’t understand how he can act so familiar with me when it’s been more than a year since we’ve barely seen each other. Yet I don’t push his arm away. I even find myself pressed closer to him when I realize that this simple interaction is enough to force Leo to look away from me.
They quickly get into formation for the last song. I sigh in relief. I can’t wait for this to be over. To not be confronted with Leo’s presence anymore. I want to get far away from Harry June and his tightening grip around my shoulders.
My eyes stay fixed on the stage. Leo positions himself in front of his mic. He takes a long sip of water before straightening up. He looks more confident and sure of himself than at the beginning of the concert. I’m relieved to see him a bit more in his element.
Yet my body shivers when he starts singing. It’s a cappella. He doesn’t even wait for the others to start playing. They look just as shocked as the audience by what Leo just did. But soon enough, screams erupt when the fans realize which song it is.
“I love the red all over your face. Am I the one who put it there? Can I stay in your embrace? With you nobody can compare.”
My body shivers at the first line. How could it not? Of course I recognized that song. Even without instrumental. Even as it quickly blends with Leo’s smooth voice when the others start playing their last song, smiles more than satisfied on their faces.
“It’s a warm feeling I don’t wanna erase. I can follow you anywhere. Even if you can’t keep up my pace. I will be good, I swear.”
“You can do whatever you want with me, I’m already on my knee. My heart is in pieces, because you are my disease.”
Then the others join in shortly after. Even if they never played it live, every chord is powerful, every note is perfectly placed. The crowd goes wild behind me as the chorus arrives. Even though I hate every lyric, I hate every word coming out of Leo’s mouth because I know he’s talking about me. Yet I can’t tear myself away or avoid his gaze when it meets mine.
“Yes, I’ve been so astray. Every time you beg me to stay. My hands can’t leave your thighs. Our lips crash and we know we screw. I can’t deny that your body is my taboo. Come on baby, I wanna hear your cries. Yeah, our rhythm is unstable, when we fuck on your kitchen table.”
I barely hear him because the crowd is screaming those last words with him. Yet I see that satisfied smile curl at the corner of his mouth. Then he loses himself in the music. His voice is stable and his energy fully returned. And even if I should hate this moment, I find myself captivated by the song and their performance. I have to admit… it’s the best song he’s ever written.
“Do you need somebody? Please say you want me. Our night haunts my dreams. Why can I still hear your screams? Be ready baby, I will take it to the extremes.”
The screams scratch at my ears. I feel bodies thrashing around me. Everyone is dancing, swaying, moving to the music. But I’m incapable of it. I stay frozen in place, staring at the stage.
“You know I won’t stop. I already tore up your crop top. With your sounds I will make a song. So you won’t forget where you belong!”
During the second verse, Leo’s voice rises above the sound of the instruments or any speaker. He screams that one line when his tone should’ve been softer and more sensual. Some will think it’s because of adrenaline. But I know it’s not. Not when his eyes stay fixed on me as he says it. It’s a provocation.
“I love your taste. I’ll lose myself in your scent. Can’t take my hands off your waist. Close your eyes honey, it will be indecent.”
My eyes remain fixed on his lips when his attention finally leaves me.
“Yes, I’ve been so astray. Every time you beg me to stay. My hands can’t leave your thighs. Our lips crash and we know we screw. I can’t deny that your body is my taboo. Come on baby, I wanna hear your cries. Yeah, our rhythm is unstable, when we fuck on your kitchen table.”
The lights, the smells, and the feeling of my heart beating way too fast in my chest. It’s too much—everything is too much. I finally look away, pushing through the heart of the crowd. Yet I still feel his gaze burning into my back. I walk as fast as possible. My head is throbbing. I feel like I’m going to faint. I hear my friends calling my name but I don’t turn around.
Then one last line slips from Leo’s lips, softer than before. It isn’t filled with the same confidence or sensuality at the end of the song. It’s almost whispered, like a secret he wants to share. It’s almost like the whole room falls silent at the shift in atmosphere. I finally reach the door and don’t hesitate to open it.
“The flavor of strawberry that you prefer. I’m so obsessed, it’s bad. You can’t change what we were. It was real what we had.”
Leo never finishes his song. The last line hangs in the air for long seconds as the members play the final chords, waiting for words that never come.
I stay in the hallways of the concert venue, waiting for it to end. A woman who thought I was about to faint, which I probably was, handed me a bottle of water.
I wait for my friends. I can still hear the bass booming through the speakers, the fans screaming, and Leo’s voice even through the closed doors. It’s far too cold to wait outside. So I just crouch in a corner, trying to get my bearings back.
I stare at the floor, trying to keep my thoughts away from Leo and what he looked like on stage under all those lights. Which is obviously hard to do.
I only lift my head when someone stops in front of me. Mostly to avoid fainting again. But my gaze freezes on the older man standing before me. I expected him to be backstage, not wandering the hallways of the venue. We were never properly introduced, but I know he’s Solaris’s manager. Leo talked to me about him a lot during our nights at the studio. He truly admires him. Yet after what this man did with Taboo, I can’t bring myself to like him. And judging by the look he gives me, the feeling is mutual.
— I didn’t expect to see you here, after last time.
His voice is cold, even as he tries to remain professional. I simply stare at him without moving. I don’t look away. I answer him in the same tone.
— I didn’t plan on coming. I was forced.
He doesn’t flinch. He stays perfectly still in front of me. Then, between two or three screams coming from the concert hall behind us, he finally breaks the silence.
— Come with me. We need to talk.
I sigh as I stand up and follow him through the hallways. He turns around from time to time to make sure I haven’t taken the opportunity to run away. The screams grow louder, echoing through the empty corridor. The concert is already ending.
He opens a room that looks like a dressing room. I stay cautious as I follow him inside. I leave the door wide open behind me.
I thought he would sit down on the couch, but he remains standing in front of me. His eyes never leave me, not even for a second.
— I just want to make sure you won’t cause us any trouble. Leo made a mistake, but the boys worked really hard to get where they are.
I shift uncomfortably.
Why did Leo have to drag me into his lies?
I know he meant well, for once… But as always, I end up stuck in a difficult situation because of him.
— I know.
— I really want to clear this up with you, because this song could become their first real victory at a music festival.
He’s trying to pressure me, to make me feel guilty so I won’t talk. I wasn’t planning to anyway, but the way he puts the blame for their potential failure on me pisses me off. I’m about to snap back when voices echo in the hallway. My back stiffens.
When I turn around, he’s there. A few steps behind me, framed in the doorway. This time, there’s no stage and no hundreds of spectators separating us.
Everyone falls silent when they sense the tension in the room. I sigh softly. I knew I shouldn’t have come. I should go find Sanghyeon and the others.
— If everything is clear now, I’m leaving.
I walk past the group without even looking at them. But I can feel the weight of their stares. Geonwoo tries to say something, but I don’t stop. I don’t even give their manager a last glance. Leo, however, doesn’t seem to get the message.
I walk quickly down the hallway. I hear his footsteps echoing behind me. I don’t want to lower myself to his level by running away. So unsurprisingly, he catches up to me quickly.
His hand wraps around my wrist. He pulls me back, forcing me to stop. I wish I had the courage to push him away, to break free and go back to my friends, but I don’t. I even let him drag me into an empty room. It’s filled with all kinds of stage outfits. I only turn around when I hear the lock click behind me.
— I just want to talk to you. You haven’t stopped avoiding me.
I sigh, running a hand through my hair.
— Do you realize that maybe it’s because I don’t want to talk to you?
He doesn’t move an inch. He doesn’t even seem shaken by what I just said. He keeps looking straight into my eyes. But he doesn’t step closer. He doesn’t invade the space I left between us. He doesn’t force his presence. He’s been clear about what he wants, just to talk. He locked the door, but nothing stops me from telling him to open it and let me go. I’m sure he would. I could even do it myself. But instead, I stay there in front of him, complaining that I don’t want to talk, even though we both know that if I were telling the truth, I would have pushed him away the moment he caught up to me in the hallway.
— I know that’s not true. You know it too. Please, Sangwon. Five minutes. That’s all I’m asking.
My hand lingers in my hair for another second before falling back to my side. His gaze weighs heavily on me, so much that I struggle to meet it.
— Okay. But not a minute more.
He nods quickly. I can see him holding back a satisfied smile.
— I didn’t expect to see you in the audience today.
— I didn’t plan on coming.
He doesn’t even look surprised by my answer. After all, it’s stupid to show up at his concert when I spent over a week avoiding him. Even he must’ve realized that.
— I’m still glad I saw you.
That sentence makes my heart beat faster than it should. He tries to keep a neutral expression, yet I can see a smile forming on his face. And I can’t bring myself to be angry about it. I missed him too much.
— I didn’t expect to hear your song live. It’s doing well, from what I can tell.
His expression cracks slightly at my words. He knows exactly which song I’m talking about.
— It’s only thanks to you. Even though it’s our best song, I still regret writing it just as much.
I watch him closely, searching for the slightest sign of a lie. But I don’t find any. Despite how fast my heart beats whenever I’m with Leo, it still tightens when I think about his lyrics. He lied to me. He betrayed my trust. How can I even think about forgiving him? Even though deep down, I want to so badly. I already made that mistake before with Harry June. I held on, I forgave, only to be discarded when someone better came along. I’m always the second choice. I saw it again today, right there at the concert.
— Why are you telling me this? Do you need me to write new songs?
My voice is sharp. Colder than I meant it to be. I see Leo’s body tense at my words. He shakes his head quickly, brows furrowed.
— No! Of course not. I want things to get better between us. I never meant to hurt you.
Despite the frustration I see on his face, he stays calm. That’s why I almost believe he’s sincere. But I can’t afford to let my guard down again. Not after all this. Not after the song he wrote.
— Yet you did. Again and again. By hiding me, by lying to me, and by writing that stupid song.
My voice rises slightly in the empty room. Still, he doesn’t look away. Despite his discomfort and the regret in his eyes, he doesn’t run.
The tension in the storage room is overwhelming. Silence surrounds us. Voices and noise seep through the door. We remain frozen among the stage costumes as life continues outside. Then Leo finally breaks the silence again.
— I know. I know it’s hard for you to forgive me. But I never lied about what I wrote. Every lyric is true. My feelings for you are real too. Everything has been real since the first time we shared anything.
He’s a liar. Like all the others. I’ve heard it again and again. I hoped, again and again. But Harry June chose someone else. People only come back to me when feelings are gone. They don’t look for me. They just want a body to spend the night with. They don’t care about my feelings. They don’t care about me.
— But you’re just like the others. It was just sex, right? I have a nice body, not too hard to approach, to convince. You thought I’d stay your little secret forever. Someone you could easily call. That’s why you revealed to the world what happened between us.
Leo’s eyes widen at my words. He steps closer but stops immediately when I step back, keeping space between us. Not because I don’t want him near me, but because I wouldn’t be able to hold myself together if he were that close.
— No! You know that’s not true. I… I screwed up, okay? At first, I wanted it to be like that. We had chemistry. You attracted me. But I wanted to stay with you even without that. I wanted to see you laugh. I wanted to read your texts. I love the way you focus when you read.
It’s true. He told me himself. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget his words.
“This stays between us, right? Better if no one knows. You know, for my reputation.”
I don’t understand why he keeps chasing me if it’s not for his songs.
— Stop telling me all this. You’re not gay.
His body almost jolts, like he’s been electrocuted.
— I know. I’m not. I don’t know what that makes me. But you’re who I want. I’ve never wanted someone the way I want you. And not just your body.
It hurts. My heart is beating too hard. I don’t understand how I can still want him so badly after everything he put me through. I almost want to believe him. But I don’t want to suffer anymore.
That’s why I lower my voice. Barely above a whisper, I tell him what’s been weighing on my heart.
— I don’t want to be a secret. You know that.
His face nearly falls apart.
— I know. But… we don’t live in the same world. You don’t like the spotlight I live under, and I can’t risk everything.
He’s right. That’s the core of the problem. I don’t want to be a secret but I also don’t want to be in the spotlight like him. I don’t want people talking about me. And he worked so hard for his career. He’s not ready to risk everything for a fling if that’s even what this is to him.
— Then we should just let it go.
His face crumbles in front of me. But he doesn’t step back. On the contrary, he moves forward, blocking the door.
— You know that’s not possible!
He finally raises his voice. I can see how hurt he is. But I am too. It feels like our story has no solution. We’re standing face to face with a love that can’t exist.
— Please, Leo. We can’t keep going like this.
— Then tell me what I’m supposed to do. Last time, I was scared… of other people’s looks, of what it would make us, but most of all, I was scared for my career. But I regret not acting back then. I should’ve walked out of that room and told everyone the truth. Before...
He pauses. His gaze drifts away. Yet I can see him fighting to stay firm in front of me. As if every part of him wants to run, but he’s forcing himself to remain standing there. When I notice his hesitation, I don’t even give him time to finish.
— Before you became famous, started having concerts all over the country? Or before that song about us became this popular.
He opens his mouth several times, but no words seem to come out. Eventually, his eyes meet mine again. He clears his throat.
— I know. I messed up. I probably made the biggest mistake of my life… But why do you act like you’re above all of this? I feel like I’m the only one still clinging to it.
He points at us several times to emphasize his words. I let out a quiet sigh. Is that really what I show on the outside? Like none of this affects me. When in reality, I’m fighting to keep my body from shaking or from running straight into his arms.
I simply take a step forward. Our bodies are close. Closer than they’ve been in a long time. I can even feel the heat radiating from his skin. I take his hand and press his palm against my chest. Right where my heart has been beating frantically ever since the day I met him.
— Do you still think I don’t care?
My eyes stay locked on his as I watch surprise spread across his face. Yet I feel him relax, as if my answer eased something inside him.
Without warning, he moves closer again. I don’t step back. His body presses against mine. His face is so close that I can feel his breath against my skin.
— I want to kiss you. But I don’t want to force you into anything. If that’s really what you want… I’ll step back and let you go, and I’ll make sure I never show up in front of you again.
I know I should leave. I should push him away. But I can’t. I don’t want to. Even though I know he’ll break my heart again. I can’t move on either.
— Shut up.
My hand grips his T-shirt, forcing him to stay close as I’m the one who closes the small distance between our lips.
He responds to my kiss immediately. Without hesitation, one of his hands settles at the back of my neck while the other rests on my lower back. His body presses against mine, forcing me to step back until my back hits the wall behind me. But that doesn’t stop him.
I barely have time to catch my breath before he connects our lips again. His tongue eventually meets mine. His hands slide down my back before settling beneath my thighs. And with a firm motion, he lifts me against the wall, forcing me to wrap my legs around his waist.
His mouth leaves mine to linger against the sensitive skin of my neck. I cling to his shoulders as best as I can. My eyes are closed, my head resting against the wall.
But when I open my eyes, I’m faced with my own reflection. The mirror above the vanity perfectly reflects my flushed, breathless face. My gaze stays fixed on it.
Is it always just for this version of me that people want me?
The one who’s too dazed to speak. The one who’s only good for physical pleasure. The one they can take what they want from before disappearing. That’s all anyone ever expects from me. One night. A body. Pleasure without commitment. So much so that Leo ended up turning it into a song.
And as vulgar as it is just a reflection of the first night we shared, I understand why it worked. It’s beautiful. I could almost believe he meant what he wrote. But I hate it. Because it proves he’s just like the others.
And it says out loud what everyone has always thought of me.
— Are you going to write a song about this too?
The question slips out before I can stop myself. My tone is cold, almost lifeless. It’s even more unsettling given how close we are, given the intimacy of the moment we’re sharing.
Leo freezes. I feel his breathing against my neck for long seconds of silence. Then gently, he sets me back on the floor. His hands leave my body. He takes a step back. His eyes meet mine, his brows drawn together in a mix of frustration and confusion.
— Is that really what you think I’d do?
My gaze shifts from him to the mirror across the room. I can’t pull my eyes away from the reflection.
— I’m not sure about anything anymore. But I’m tired of all this… I don’t want to be just a body you call when you feel like it.
— I never… You know I never wanted you just for your looks.
I let out a small, almost amused sigh at his words. God, how I wish I could believe him. But I’ve fallen into that trap far too many times with him, with Harry June, and others before him.
— That’s not what your song suggests. And anyway, could you even give me anything other than sex?
He looks at me, surprised, before lowering his eyes. Of course he knows. Even if he claims he wants more, we’ll never be anything beyond a physical relationship. He’s a rising star. We can’t walk hand in hand down the street. I can’t kiss him whenever I want. We can’t just curl up together to watch a movie, or spend time together at university. Not when I have to stay a secret. Not when his career is on the line.
In the end, I’m nothing more than a pretty body. Nothing worth fighting for. And he proves it once again by stepping aside to let me leave.
I walk toward the door, passing him. But his voice echoes one last time behind me. It’s weak, less certain almost desperate.
— I’m sorry.
I take a deep breath before answering him.
— I’m the one who’s sorry. I shouldn’t have kissed you.
I leave the room quickly. I retrace my steps to find the entrance of the concert hall. My friends are already outside. Xinlong seems to be missing. But I don’t even have time to think about it. I quickly place a hand on Anxin’s shoulder. He startles slightly and turns toward me, his eyes lighting up when he sees me.
— Sangwon, are you okay? You suddenly disappeared during the concert.
I just nod quickly. I glance around as if Leo might suddenly reappear.
— I don’t feel very well. But don’t worry. I’m just going home plus, I work tomorrow.
Anxin looks like he wants to argue, but Jiahao hands him a beer, and I take the opportunity to walk away. I take the first subway back to campus. I don’t even remember getting home. I just took a shower, scrubbing my skin almost raw under the memory of Leo’s hands. Not because he disgusts me but because it angers me that he still haunts me.
I wake up blinded by sunlight. I slowly open my eyes, realizing I fell asleep on top of my bed covers, wearing only a pair of shorts and an old T-shirt. My hand reaches for my phone on the nightstand to check the time, but I sigh when the screen stays black. I forgot to charge it last night. I have no choice but to get up.
I sigh and drag myself to the kitchen, where the closest clock is. My eyes land on the oven door.
10:53 a.m.
I freeze for a moment. I’m supposed to start at eleven at the café. But of course, no phone, no alarm. And of course, Anxin didn’t come home last night either. I rush back to my room to get dressed. Less than ten minutes later, I’m out of the apartment.
I finish buttoning my shirt in the elevator. I nearly run down the sidewalk, trying to dodge everyone else heading to work or class.
My heart starts pounding when I see how crowded the café is. Way more than a usual Monday. I feel awful for my manager. I glance at my watch, which I managed to put on.
11:15 a.m.
The only thing that brings me some relief is that I wasn’t supposed to open today. When I reach the door, I need a few seconds to catch my breath.
I quickly push the door open, bowing slightly as I enter. The café is packed today.
— Sorry I’m late!
I take deep breaths as I move toward the register to talk to my manager. I lift my head, only to see the horrified look on his face. I feel unsettled, not understanding his reaction.
— Sangwon… didn’t you see my message?
I stare at him, completely lost. Was he really that angry about my being late? My hands move to my back pockets as I realize I didn’t even think to bring my phone with me.
— No, it’s been dead since last night.
He looks around, panicked.
— You shouldn’t have come.
I look at him, almost shocked by what he just said. Then suddenly, dozens of voices rise behind me.
— Did he just say Sangwon?
— Lee Sangwon?
— That’s him!
I barely have time to turn around as my name echoes from every corner of the café before I’m blinded by camera flashes and phones just inches from my face.
I don’t understand what’s happening. Everyone is talking at once. I try to step back, but I’m quickly surrounded.
— Sanghyeon! Take him to the back!
A hand wraps around my wrist, pulling me away from the crowd. I let my friend guide me as my manager positions himself in front of the door to stop everyone from following us.
— Employees only! You’re not allowed back here. Step away or I’m calling the police!
I look back one last time, still in shock from what just happened. Sanghyeon doesn’t stop until we reach the back door of the café. It leads to a small, rarely used alley. We only use it to take out the trash or for smoke breaks.
My gaze drifts back to the chaos we just escaped. The way everyone seems to know everyone except me. Then it lands on Sanghyeon. I’m almost sure he wasn’t supposed to work today.
— What’s going on?
He doesn’t even answer me. He’s too busy scanning the area.
— He should be here any minute now.
His voice sounds calm despite the restless energy in his body. I frown at his words. I truly don’t understand what’s happening.
— Who? Sanghyeon, who are you talking about?
Before he can answer, a gray car pulls into the alley. Its windows are tinted. It stops in front of us. Sanghyeon opens the door without hesitation, pushing me into the passenger seat before climbing into the back. I swallow hard before getting in.
My breath catches when I see Leo, his hands clenched tightly around the steering wheel. His knuckles are white as he starts the engine before I even have time to buckle up.
— What’s going on?
Sanghyeon finally seems to register my question, his voice filled with surprise.
— You really don’t know?
I frown as Leo drives us who-knows-where. His cold gaze stays fixed on the road, jaw clenched. Yet I can feel his eyes flick toward me more often than necessary.
— No! Otherwise I wouldn’t be asking. Why do those people know me? What do they want? Why does everyone seem to know except me? I don’t understand anything anymore.
Finally, Leo’s voice breaks the silence for the first time since we got into his car.
— They know. Everyone knows about us… Pictures… leaked. It’s all over social media.
All the air leaves my lungs as it feels like the world collapses around me…
They know… They all know that song is about me…