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Jason narrowed his eyes behind his hood and took a potshot at a random goon just because he could. He’d be fine. He was using rubber bullets. Yeah, his finger probably shouldn’t bend that way, but what did Jason know? He was a high school drop out. If Batman didn’t want him breaking fingers, he shouldn’t have asked Jason to keep an eye on this case while he was off being his usual brooding hero self, but in space this time. 

And, yeah, he was only supposed to observe, but then some idiots had pulled up with some working girls and tried to take more than what they’d paid for. What was he supposed to do? Call backup?

Okay, so Batman probably would have expected him to call backup, but fuck that guy. 

So here he was, shooting at goons while they shot back and trying to do as much damage to their product as possible in the process. A typical Tuesday. It might have been Wednesday by then. Or Saturday. Jason wasn’t great with days of the week. He’d heard that was common with people who didn’t have regular schedules. It probably wasn’t a result of the brain damage. 

(Batman had not liked that joke. Damian had offered to give him real damage for comparison purposes. Tim had attempted to subtly high five Damian for the joke and received a jab to the gut for his troubles.)

In the middle of his day dreaming (seriously, were these guys trained by Storm Troopers?), the damage he’d caused had resulted in a stack of crates toppling to the ground. They smashed dramatically upon hitting the ground. He loved it when that happened. It was like getting a piñata on his birthday. He imagined, at least. Should he get a piñata for his next birthday? Did people get themselves piñatas? Or did other people do that? He should hint to Roy that he wanted a piñata. 

He was pulled out of his musings by a green glow. For a second, dread spread down his spine as he imagined another green glow that haunted his dreams. But there was no old man smell, so he realized quickly that it wasn’t Lazarus green. (The old man smell was there, alright? It was a side effect of Ra’s musty ass submerging itself in the pit for so long.) When he turned to investigate, he found quickly that the green glow was coming from a rock-shaped source. That could really only mean one thing. He guessed he knew why Bruce had wanted this warehouse watched, now. 

“Motherfu-.”

***

So, he was in the Watchtower. 

It turns out they had some kind of monitor for the radiation level created by the presence of Kryptonite. Who knew?

The Justice League (the few currently on the planet) had arrived to find him at the scene of the crime, surrounded by goons taken out primarily via high powered rubber bullet to the dick. (Look, he was bored, alright? And it was great marksmanship practice.) So finding a known crime lord surrounded by whimpering underlings curled into fetal position clutching their junk and with a substantial amount of Kryptonite was a bit suspicious. He admitted it did not look great. 

For some reason, telling them that he was not responsible for the Kryptonite, only for the nut shots, did not reassure them. 

He’d been standing in cuffs listening to Flash and Green Arrow argue about what to do with him,-- his contribution of ‘take me to your leader’ was ignored, which, rude, but okay-- about to slip his cuffs, when he realized he’d never actually been to the Watchtower. 

Bruce always gave him a deadpan stare and a grunt when he asked, which he translated to ‘Are you absolutely insane? Do I look stupid to you? Have you hit your head recently and it’s caused you to become delusional? Can I check you for head trauma? I’m concerned. Let me check your pupillary reaction.’ 

Bruce’s silences really were very communicative. 

Flash and Green Arrow were still debating. Something along the lines of ‘blah blah Blackgate blah blah Arkham blah blah Commissioner blah blah blah blah Batman’s gonna kill us with his eyes for entering Gotham blah blah.’ Jason didn’t really care. Jason wanted to go to the Watchtower.

“Sorry to interrupt, Mr. Queen, Mr. Allen, but are we going anywhere any time soon? There’s a show I want to watch and I forgot to TiVo it.”

“TiVo? TiVo? Who TiVo’s things anymore?” The Flash exclaimed. 

“Oh! Excuse me for missing out on changes in the culture while I was dead.” 

“While you were what?”

“I said, ‘while I was-.”

Oliver Queen cut in, “What did you call us?” 

Jason blinked innocently. It was, obviously, impossible to see with the hood on, but he was fairly certain it came across through his body language. “I called you ‘World’s Most Obvious Facial Hair,’ but I’m pretty sure that was in my head.”

Green Arrow’s hand immediately shot up to smooth down his beard, before he dropped it and shot Jason a withering glare.

“No, before. You interrupted us and called us by our civilian names.”

“Did I? No way. You’re telling me my wild guess was right?”

“Stop it,” Queen snapped. “How do you know who we are?”

“I was genuinely not joking about the facial hair thing. Like, maybe don’t have a signature goatee if you’re trying to keep a secret identity?”

“This is no joking matter. How do you know us? Where did you get that information?”

Jason blew a raspberry. He hoped the sound came across correctly through the vocoder. Oliver and Roy might be mending fences, but Jason’s plan heavily relied on being a petty bitch and who better to do that to than the asshole who made his son homeless?

“Hey, man. That’s dangerous information to have. People could come after you.” Flash was clearly trying to be the good cop, here. But playing any kind of cop was not going to help the situation. Jason had slapped an ACAB sticker on the Batmobile at one point. He tried to keep up a yearly tradition of vandalizing it. For old time’s sake. 

“Oh no. Do you think someone might try to hurt me? I wouldn’t know what to do with myself. I’ve never been in any type of trouble before, officer.”

“Stop screwing around. How do you know who we are?”

“Fine. I’ll tell you. Just--.” Jason looked around furtively. Jason shifted closer, like he planned to drop his voice to share the information. Green Arrow took a step closer. 

Quietly, Jason whispered “It’s because-”

And when Green Arrow moved another step closer, he kneed him in the balls. 

****

So, yeah. The Watchtower. 

They’d tossed him in a holding cell and left. Presumably to get some ice for Green Arrow. He’d put some force behind that blow. He had no regrets. He’d briefly regretted not having a camera to capture the moment and then he’d remembered that his hood recorded everything and all was right in the world again.

Honestly, the Watchtower wasn’t all that impressive yet. It kind of reminded him of the Batcave, but with less angst and guano. Now, if Wonder Woman came along, that might make the trip worth it. 

Who was he kidding? Kneeing Oliver Queen in balls had already made this worth it. 

The doors that led to all the cells swooshed open and The Flash swooshed in right after them. 

“So, I’ve got some qu-”

“I want a lawyer.”

“-estions… You what?”

“A lawyer. I want one.”

“You want… You want a lawyer.”

“Yeah. I know my rights. I’ve watched crime shows. I know how this works.”

The Flash cringed at that statement, which had been Jason’s entire goal.

“Those shows really aren’t-- Nevermind. You realize you’re in the Justice League headquarters, right? Not in a police station.”

Jason looked around as if taking in his surroundings for the first time.

“Well, gee willickers, Batman! I had no idea.”

The Flash mouthed ‘gee willickers,’ looking baffled. 

“Er, Batman’s not here. He’s back tomorrow.”

It was Jason’s turn to look baffled, not that The Flash could tell under the hood. 

“I… know that? What? Did you think I thought you were the Batman?”

“No! You just- you said Batman. I don’t know if you were, like, asking for him?”

Jason stared at him incredulously. This man could not be serious.

“Nooo.” He dragged out. “That’s just something we say in Gotham when we’re being sarcastic.”

“There is no way the citizens of Gotham, the world’s most depressing city, are going around saying ‘gee willickers’ all the time.”

Jason shrugged. “I don’t know what to tell you, man. We’re whimsical.”

Flash was looking at Jason like he’d grown another head. 

“We’re-we’re getting off track. How do you know our identities?”

“Batman told me.” 

“I’m serious. Did someone tell you? Have we been hacked?”

“You get hacked every other week by a seventeen year old named after a fast food restaurant, but that’s unrelated.”

“Are you on drugs?”

“No. I took D.A.R.E. very seriously as a kid.”

“You’re a drug lord.” Flash deadpanned. 

“I died half way through the program. Some things got missed.”

“I don’t even know what to say to that. Let’s circle back to the identity thing later. What were you doing with the Kryptonite?”

“Wasn’t mine. I was just there shooting people in the dick. The Kryptonite was a surprise.”

“Why were you--? No. I’m not getting side tracked. You expect me to believe that you just happened to stumble upon a stash of Kryptonite?”

“Yes.”

“No.”

“I don’t know why not. I’m a very honest person.”

“I’ve read your file. I know what you’ve done. Eight heads in a duffle bag.”

“That has absolutely nothing to do with being honest. I can decapitate people without lying. It’s called multitasking.”

“I don’t think it is, actually.”

“Is disagreeing with everything I say really the best interrogation technique?”

“I don’t think anything I say to you is going to get you to tell me what I want to know.”

“Maybe bring Wonder Woman in here. Use the lasso? Maybe then you’ll believe I’m telling the truth.”

“I have to warn you, when men joke about Wonder Woman tying them up, it doesn’t usually turn out well for them.”

“I’m dead serious. Use the lasso on me. It’ll be the closest thing I’ve had to therapy in years. And you’ll see I was telling the truth the whole time.”

“You literally said Batman told you our identities.”

Jason nodded solemnly. 

Flash huffed and shook his head. “Whatever it doesn’t matter, anyway. Wonder Woman is off-world with Superman and Batman, anyway.”

“Ugh!” Jason exclaimed, throwing himself down onto his cot in a huff. “I wanted to see Wonder Woman. What a waste. I should’ve just slipped the cuffs and walked off while you guys were arguing like I planned to. The Watchtower is way less interesting than I thought it would be.”

“How do you know we call it that?” Flash exclaimed, throwing his arms up.

“I told you! Batman told me!” Jason threw his arms up in imitation of Flash. 

“You know what, fine. You can just wait until the others are back from their mission and they can interrogate you!” 

Flash turned to storm out and Jason called after him.

“Can you send Queen in next? I want to hit him in the balls again!”

****

Queen did come in again. His glare was furious and his hand was discolored from the ice he’d clearly been handling recently. 

“You know,” he leaned in toward the cell, clearly trying to be threatening. But he’d never seen Dick after 36 hours awake and starting to twitch every time somebody talked at him. The younger ones didn’t know to fear that, but Jason and Bruce always started slowly inching away from him, sharing glances in some of the few shows of solidarity and connection that they now showed. “You really should tell us what you know before the others get here. They’re not as nice as us.”

“Are you seriously telling me that you’re nicer than Superman?”

“Stop twisting everything we say!”

“Stop saying stupid things!”

Queen did what could only be considered stomping on the ground like a toddler before marching back towards the door. 

“Oh, come back! I thought we were bonding! I’ll braid your hair if you braid mine!”

But he was already gone.

****

Jason dozed off and on for what had to be a few hours before getting bored and deciding to break out of his cell. Maybe if they’d given him a book, he might’ve stayed in his cell like a good little prisoner. Well, that depended on how good the book was. 

They hadn’t even given him his phone call! He was just going to call for pizza and direct the delivery guy to a zeta tube to further worry and baffle the resident league members, but, alas, that plan would have to be saved for a later time. 

He made his way through the halls, stopping at the occasional port hole to look at Earth from above. He had to admit, it was pretty impressive. He wondered if they were ever positioned in a way that let them see the Great Wall of China. 

He wandered until he found what he realized with delight was the kitchen. The clock on the microwave indicated it was about 8 in the morning. It seemed like everyone up here was still asleep, which he was sure Batman would get on them about, but that was someone else’s problem to deal with. 

He dug through the cabinets, managing to find flour and sugar. The fridge revealed butter and eggs. He pulled out all the ingredients he’d need for pancakes and got to work. They were almost done when his helmet, which he’d removed and set on the counter, gave a soft trill. He’d set it to alert him once there was movement in the station. 

He ambled over to it, checking the state of the bubbles in the last few pancakes he had in the pan on his way over, and looked at the alert. Seems someone (or several someones) had arrived via ship. 

He plated up the last of his pancakes and poured syrup generously over them. He wandered down the hall with his plate of pancakes, not trying particularly hard to be stealthy. He left his hood behind in the kitchen. If he couldn’t go back and get it, Bruce would fetch it for him, if only to see the images it had caught of him kneeing Oliver. The man might pretend to be all ‘I am the night,’ but he secretly loved screwing with his teammates, Oliver most of all due to their history. Well, maybe Hal Jordan most of all. Hard to tell. 

“-not only brought a hostile onto the Watchtower, but also lost him.” Batman’s voice growled from down the hall. 

Jason snickered quietly. Batman lectures were hilarious when they weren’t directed at him. 

He headed in the direction of the voice, drawn by the sounds of someone who wasn’t himself getting lectured like a moth to flame. 

“-complete lack of alertness. Why was there no one on watch? Why were additional surveillance protocols not put in place? Entering Gotham in the first place was unacceptable.”

“Hey, we got a Kryptonite alert!” A voice protested.

Jason edged closer, peering around a corner and taking a bite out of the pancake he was holding in his hand. Green Arrow and The Flash were standing before Batman looking like children being scolded for being up past their bedtime and not cleaning up their toys. 

“You think I don’t know what’s happening in my city? The situation was handled. Now, I have a Rogue missing somewhere on the station, no idea where the people who obtained the Kryptonite have gone, and Superman was unable to enter the Watchtower to debrief because you decided to bring the Kryptonite here.” 

“Well, how were we supposed to know that?”

“You’re meant to know that what goes on in my city is not your problem.”

“Okay, well, maybe we can shelve the lecture for later and find the murderous crime lord that’s somewhere in the Justice League headquarters?” Queen protested. 

“No need.” Batman said gruffly. “He’s right there.”

Batman tilted his head to indicate Jason’t location.

Green Arrow and The Flash whirled around to stare at him. Wonder Woman turned more gracefully and leveled him with a cool glance. Jason grinned and wiggled his fingers at her around the pancake he was holding. 

“Hi, Wonder Woman. Big fan! Want a pancake?”

She continued to stare at him coolly, unphased. 

“You broke out of containment to make yourself pancakes?” The Flash broke in incredulously. 

“Well, yeah. You guys didn’t feed me. I was starving.”

Bruce, who was sensitive to Jason’s food issues due to how he grew up, narrowed his eyes at Green Arrow and The Flash. 

“You didn’t feed him?” He asked calmly. “We don’t often keep prisoners here, but we treat them humanely. That means we feed them and treat their injuries. Did you take him to the med bay?”

“What? No! We didn’t even fight him!”

“You said you encountered him in the middle of a fire fight. It didn’t occur to you that he might be injured.”

Barry shuffled backwards, inching behind Oliver without him being any the wiser. 

“He seemed fine! He wasn’t even bleeding!”

Bruce turned to look at Jason. Jason returned his look with wide, innocent eyes, cheeks puffed up with a mouthful of pancakes. He chewed and then swallowed. 

“Not so much as a concussion check. I could’ve died.” Jason informed him solemnly. 

“Hmn.” Batman offered, narrowed eyes rapidly turning to a glare directed at the two league members he found lacking. 

“Are you- What is happening here? I don’t understand.”

“No one does.” Jason said, nodding wisely. 

Bruce turned his narrowed eyes on Jason, always displeased when Jason tried to downplay Jason’s importance to him.

“Pancake?” Jason offered, holding out the plate to Bruce. 

Oliver snorted. “Good luck with that. He only just started accepting food from Superman. And Superman’s, like, the most trustworthy person in the world.”

Bruce maintained eye contact with Oliver as he reached out and pulled a pancake from Jason’s plate. 

Oliver and Barry gaped, and even Diana’s eyebrow winged up a little. Still maintaining eye contact, he took a bite. He turned back towards Jason. 

“These are good. You made them from scratch?”

“Mhmm.” Jason said around a mouth full of pancakes. 

“They’re different from Agent A’s.”

“Agent A always holds back on the sugar. It’s like he thinks the world is still rationing it.”

“What the fuck is going on here?” Oliver exclaimed. 

“I’m having breakfast with my dad. Obviously.”

“--What? You--. What?”

“Obviously.” Bruce said, completely dry. “Try to keep up, Oliver.”

“What the fuck? His dad? This menace is your child? You raised a crime lord?”

“I raised a vigilante. His mother, Talia, raised a crime lord. She’s disappointed. She hoped he would follow in her footsteps and become an assassin.”

“An assassin? I’m dreaming. No, I’m hallucinating. Something in the Gotham air is making me hallucinate. Your son? He decapitated eight people!”

“Teenage rebellion.” Bruce said mildly. 

“He kneed me in the balls.” 

“Did he?” Bruce asked, sounding impressed.

Jason grinned. “Yeah. I’ve got it recorded.”

“Hm.” He said, which Jason translated to ‘we’re making popcorn and watching that when we get back to the manor.”

“Wait, so you were telling the truth when you said Batman told you our identities?” Barry said, incredulously. 

“Yeah, I do that a lot.”

Bruce’s hand made its way to Jason’s shoulder, giving it a squeeze. 

“If there’s nothing else, I’ll be taking my son home. He needs a medical check and a meal.”

“If there’s nothing else?!” Oliver exploded. 

The sound of Oliver’s meltdown vanished behind the doors of the closing zeta tube, and the whoosh! of it taking them back to Gotham. 

But Jason made sure to blow Oliver Queen one last raspberry on the way out.