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The inside of the TARDIS is a whirlwind as Eleven moves around. Clara is sitting on a chair, her legs crossed under her as she watches. Eleven is distractedly checking the consoles, a nervous repetition of changing dials and moving sliders. The machine has been ready this whole time, he knows it, but something compels him to check anyways.
“What are you rushing around for? Just relax for a bit, come sit here,” Clara says softly, her voice drifting into Eleven’s chaotic mind. “What’s up with you anyways? You’re so…” She gestures absently with her hands.
Eleven glances back at her and runs a hand through his hail in a futile attempt to tame the wild strands. He shoves his hands through all his pockets, pulling out a small socket wrench and a gum wrapper. He tosses these onto the console, tightening a screw with the wrench. He straightens again, striding around to the other side of the room, checking the tension on the cables draping along the walls.
“Stop wandering around for goodness’ sake!” Clara’s exasperated cry echoes off the walls. “I can’t handle you walking all over the place. Just sit down, you’re driving me crazy!”
That gets his attention. He stops, spinning in place to face her. “I’m sorry Clara. What’s the problem?”
“I don’t know. I guess I’m just worried. For you, and a little bit for me. I don’t know what this is like for you, and it doesn’t look fun. I don’t know what’s going to happen, and I don’t know if I can handle whatever’s next.”
Eleven’s gaze softens at this, and he takes a step towards her. He’s stopped from moving forward by a sharp pain that goes through him. Clara notices, and Eleven’s look turns apologetic.
“Sorry Clara. I’m afraid it’s beginning and I can’t stop it. In a minute, things are going to be very different. It will be off putting, and if you don’t want to see it it’s okay. There’s no expectation for you to do this, I’ll be alright. I don’t mean to worry you.”
“No, it’s okay. I’ll stay. You stayed with me through worse. It’s the least I can do. I’m just afraid. I’m really, really scared.”
Eleven’s body had started to feel burning hot, and when Clara grabbed his hand, she flinched from the warmth. He started to pull back, but she held on, desperate for any source of stability. Everything she knew was changing, and the one person she trusted right now was about to be irreversibly changed forever. She was scared for herself, for him. She was afraid to lose all her memory, to forget everything they had done together in this form. He would come back, he always did, but he was never the same and she didn’t know if she could face him.
“Oh Clara. Don’t be scared, I’ve done this before,” Eleven said, his voice soft and grounding, stark contrast to the way his body seemed to be consuming itself as he spoke. He pulled his hand from her grasp, squeezing once before letting go. Clara stepped backwards, arms thrown over her head as the Doctor’s body began its transformation, an explosion of light bursting from him. She peeked through her fingers, daring herself to watch the display. When the light continued to only get brighter, she began to panic, hands shaking and breath ragged. Something must be going wrong, she thought. He’s not going to make it. As her world slowly ate itself away in front of her, she could only watch, frozen with fear, as the Doctor’s last words rang in her head.
Don’t be scared, I’ve done this before. How could she not be scared? What if he never came back? What would she do then? Her entire life as she knew it would be changed forever; the happiness she had found with him would be torn from her like tearing petals off a daisy. Don’t be scared, I’ve done this before. Was that more for her benefit or his own? He must be terrified, going through this for yet another cycle, not being able to stop what’s happening to him. He has no control over any of it, she realized, and the very thought of Eleven trapped in his own body while it mutated before his eyes sent her spiraling. She barely noticed the light start to slowly fade as the mantra in her head became clouded.
Don’t be scared, I’ve done this before.
Be scared, I’m done.
Scared, scared, scared, scared. Don’t be. Be scared. It’s done.