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Steve had always hated the way that men talked about sex. It wasn't for any of the obvious reasons – he was well aware that people generally assumed he was a prude, thanks to being Captain America – but for far more humiliating ones.
Sleeping in the barracks with a bunch of sexually frustrated soldiers always felt like a disaster waiting to happen. No matter what the new recruits talked about, nine times out of ten they somehow circled back around to sex. How much they missed it, the places they'd done it, the things they were going to do once they got back home to their spouses – and therein lay the problem.
When any of his fellow soldiers started going into details about their sex life... Steve couldn't help but imagine it. Vividly. He'd always been a visual person; it was what had made him a good artist in his previous life, before he'd bullied his way into the army. But in situations like this, it was definitely a curse.
If anyone ever found out that Steve had almost come in his pants more than once just from listening to his war buddies bragging about their past conquests, Steve would never live it down. He had no idea how other people didn't have this problem. When Steve imagined a touch or a kiss, it felt just as visceral to him as the real deal.
But with time, he got better at handling it. And luckily for him, nobody seemed to have noticed anything yet.
That was before he found and rescued the 107th. Before Captain America. Before the Howling Commandoes. Honestly, in the last couple of weeks, his life had become such a whirlwind that he'd barely had the time to spare a thought to such things at all, let alone being confronted with his problem.
So when it reared its ugly head for the first time among his new team, on a mission out in the French riviera – Steve was caught entirely off guard.
Alcohol wasn't exactly a rare commodity on the frontlines, but Steve had always refrained from excessive drinking, even before the serum completely eliminated the effects of alcohol on his system. But as he was learning now, the Howling Commandos didn't share that same sentiment. Not by a long shot.
“And then I tossed the fucker off the tank and said, 'Suck a cock, bitch',” Morita yelled, gesturing wildly with his bottle of wine as everyone started howling with laughter. They really lived up to their name in moments like this, Steve couldn't help but think as he wiped tears of mirth out of his eyes, grinning at his men. His eyes met Bucky's across the campfire, and they shared a private smile as Bucky toasted him with his own bottle of cheap swill. Steve suspected that he'd probably need to scrape them all off the forest floor the next morning, but that was fine. He had no problem with being the stick in the mud every once in a while.
“Suck a cock,” Falsworth gasped between chuckles, clutching his stomach. “He fucking wishes. No way those Nazi fucks get any pussy these days, they're probably all up inside each other every chance they get.”
Steve couldn't help the way his shoulders stiffened a little, the mental image of fucking one of the other recruits behind the barracks making his breath stick in his throat for a second – but he managed to bat it away before it could do any real damage, taking a swig of definitely illegal moonshine to distract himself.
“It's not like we're getting any more nookie than those bastards,” Morita sighed wistfully. “Shame too. French women are something else.”
“Fuck off, will you? Some of us have wives waiting at home,” Dum Dum warned, and Morita snorted.
“How's that my problem? Keep your dick in your pants if you want, I'm ready to have a fucking cultural exchange.”
They all laughed while Steve tried to keep his head down and focus on his drink. He could do this. As long as they didn't start going into details –
“I ever tell you about that lady from Kyoto? Real knockout, legs down to here, great tits, worked at the corner store –“
“Yeah? How much did you pay her to look at your ugly mug for five minutes?” Falsworth droned, sending everyone into another round of laughter as Morita lunged at him, play-wrestling him to the ground. Steve let them have their fun. It was probably good for team morale or something.
“Five minutes? More like thirty seconds and an 'I'm sorry, ojou-san, this never happens to me',” Dum Dum simpered in a high pitched voice, making Morita turn on him next to punch him in the shoulder.
“Fuck off. She lived with me for six months til I shipped out again.”
“Poor gal.” Dum Dum shook his head. “She coulda done so much better.”
“Hey, Cap!” Dernier called out from the other side of the campfire, tossing him a stale bread roll. They'd gotten those from the kind family of farmers whose barn they'd squatted in during their last raid. “How come you never share with the class? Got a girl at home?”
Steve bristled, shoulders drawing up despite his best efforts to stay calm. It wasn't the first time someone had asked him that, but he still dreaded the question every single time. “I –“
“You kidding?” Dum Dum laughed, clapping Steve on the shoulder. “He's only got eyes for Carter. Hardly looks at anyone else when she's in the room. Right, Cap?”
Steve didn't appreciate the round of hollering and wolf whistles, but it was infinitely better than anyone pestering him for details. At least Peggy was a good cover for why he never partook in any of the seedier parts of their city leave.
He hated using her like that, but it couldn't be helped.
“What about you, Barnes? You get all those letters from home, is someone waiting for you?”
Those letters were mostly from Bucky's mom and sister. But Steve knew even before Bucky's face broke into a smirk that Bucky wasn't going to admit that.
“Sure is, fellas. And she's a beauty too.” He pulled out a stack of pictures and passed them to Falsworth who took one look at them and whistled. Steve was very careful not to catch a glimpse, even though he was sure that the pictures were modest enough, since Bucky wasn't the sort of bastard who would pass around anything meant for his eyes only – but still, Steve's stomach roiled unhappily. It shouldn't come as a surprise that there were beautiful dames sending Bucky pictures. Bucky had always loved the ladies. Much to Steve's dismay.
“Well, I'll be damned! What's she see in a bastard like you, huh?”
“It's easy when you know how to treat a lady right,” Bucky said, smirking when Morita and Falsworth booed him. “Glowing reviews, every time.”
“Eh, you're too young to be any good at it,” Dum Dum said derisively, and Bucky's eyes narrowed as he straightened his back.
“I've got experience. Doesn't matter how old I am.”
“Oh yeah?” Morita asked, leaning forward as he handed his bottle of hooch to Bucky. “Let's hear it then. The great wisdom of James the Ladykiller Barnes.”
Steve could feel the color drain from his face, a sick feeling rising in his stomach. Oh god, no. Not this.
Him and Bucky had been friends for as long as he could remember. Nobody knew Steve better than Bucky did, not even his mother. But for all those years, Steve had managed to keep his embarrassing problem a secret from Bucky. And it definitely hadn't been an easy feat.
Mostly because Steve had secretly admired Bucky in a less than innocent sense ever since he'd first hit puberty. And avoiding the subject of sex with Bucky for this long had been nothing short of a miracle. Aided by the fact that Bucky seemed to be under the assumption that Steve was a prude who simply didn't want to think or hear about sex at all.
If he found out how wrong he was about that, Steve didn't know what he would do.
“Well. There was this one gal back in the Bronx,” Bucky said after taking a hefty swig of the moonshine. “Liked to have her hands tied.”
Falsworth raised an eyebrow “Behind her back?”
“Above her head.” Bucky demonstrated, again with that damned smirk that made Steve feel all hot under the collar. “Tied her to the headboard and had my way with her. She loved it.”
Steve closed his eyes, wishing he could stop himself from imagining what it would be like – him on his back, hands tied to the headboard, helpless and vulnerable – and Bucky hovering over him, touching him, hands on Steve's chest, his thighs, his ass –
Fuck, Steve wished he couldn't picture it so well. If it happened at their old apartment, he'd hear the radiator humming over the sound of their labored breathing, the creaking of the mattress springs. He wondered if Bucky would fuck him hard, holding Steve's legs open to get his cock all the way in, or if he'd take his time, laying down on top of Steve and rocking them together until they both –
Shit. Steve crossed his legs, hoping that the low light would conceal the heat rising in his cheeks. His cock was already stirring in his pants, quickly rising to full mast, and Steve desperately hoped that the conversation would move on before –
“I had a girl like that too,” Dernier said wistfully. “Wanted me to push her around. Hold her down. Smack her ass.”
What if Bucky wrestled him to the bed first? Let Steve struggle a little bit before he finally tied him down, spanking him for trying to get away? What if he made Steve suck his cock like that, perched over him so Steve didn't have a choice but to take it?
Steve's erection was probably hideously obvious by now. He thought he could feel the bite of the rope in his wrists, the weight of Bucky – whom he'd carried in his arms now, a memory he wasn't soon going to forget – pressing him down into the mattress, holding him there easily –
“All that? Jeez.” Dum Dum shook his head. “What's wrong with fucking her good and leaving it at that? No need to get all fancy about it.”
“Variety is the spice of life, mon frère,” Dernier said sagely, which earned him a bread roll tossed at his head. Steve barely even heard him, so caught up in his fantasy. He thought he could hear Bucky's muffled moans – a memory of living in such close quarters that privacy was impossible. He could feel the friction of Bucky moving on top of him, grinding and rubbing and –
“Either way, it's been too long,” Bucky sighed, staring wistfully into the distance. “About time we wrap this shit up so we can go home.”
“And get some,” Dum Dum said, and they all cheered, raising their bottles for a toast. Steve's hands clenched into fists as he thought of standing up right now, taking Bucky by the hand and dragging him into the woods, letting him know he didn't have to wait, that Steve was right here –
Would Bucky be desperate enough to want him back? Push him up against a tree and fuck his ass until they both got what they needed? The bark would be rough against Steve's cock, but fuck, he was so hard that he'd take anything at this point, would rub himself off against Bucky's leg or hip or feet if he could –
“Hey, Cap. You good?” Someone nudged him, and Steve had to do everything in his power to bite back an embarrassing noise as his cock throbbed, and oh god – oh Christ, he'd let this go on too long, he was – he couldn't –
“If you'll excuse me,” he said stiffly as he got up, hopefully turning away before anyone noticed the source of his discomfort, and heading straight into the woods. Some of them laughed, but Steve was too riled up to even care – he just needed to get away and sort this out before anyone else saw.
He stumbled through the dark until he couldn't hear the noise of the campfire anymore. As soon as he was alone, he tugged down his fly with trembling hand, unbuttoning his pants so he could grab his cock, whimpering when the first touch alone was almost enough to finish him off. Good lord, he hadn't lost control of his thoughts like this in so long, he'd forgotten how bad it could really get. Not much longer, and he probably would've – right in front of everyone –
“Steve!”
He startled, stuffing his cock back into his pants just in time for Bucky to reach him, leaning against the closest tree in what he hoped was an inconspicuous way.
“I'm fine,” he blurted out as Bucky jogged the rest of the way over to him, coming to a stop right at Steve's side. “I'm good. You don't have to –“
“Yeah, I do. I'm sorry, Stevie,” Bucky sighed. “I know that kind of stuff bothers you. I shouldn't have let them rope me into it.”
“No, it's fine.” Steve knew he sounded brusque, but Jesus, his cock was still throbbing, and if Bucky didn't leave him to take care of it soon, he didn't know if he could –
“Are you okay?” Bucky sounded concerned, but Steve couldn't even look at him to dissuade his worry, oh god, what if Bucky realized –
A hand squeezed his shoulder. It was an innocent touch, barely even worth thinking about.
Steve's whole body contorted in an effort to stop himself from coming as his mind conjured up images of that hand somewhere else, squeezing him, stroking him –
“Sorry, sorry,” Steve said quickly, brushing Bucky's hand off his shoulder as he backed away, making the mistake to look up at Bucky – and Bucky's eyes were wide with shock, fixated on – oh god, on the really obvious bulge of Steve's cock in his pants, the button and fly still halfway undone. Steve covered himself with both hands, mortified. “Shit. Sorry, I didn't mean to – I –“
“You're hard?” Bucky asked, and Steve winced, wishing he could sink through the floor and just disappear.
“I have – a condition,” he choked out. “I'm sorry. It's not fair to you, I – I was trying to hold it in.”
For a long moment, neither of them spoke. Steve didn't dare take his hands off his crotch, even though Bucky had already seen everything, knew the depth of his depravity –
“It's not a condition.”
Steve startled, looking up at Bucky with wide eyes. “What?”
“Liking what – what we do,” Bucky said haltingly, his face serious. “That's what you're saying, right? It's okay if you are.”
Steve stared at him, uncomprehending. “What?”
Bucky took a careful step closer, like he was approaching a wild boar and didn't know if it was going to attack. “I've always wondered... But then you got so obsessed with Peggy, I didn't know for sure –“
Oh, god. “You think I'm queer?” Steve whispered, before the implications of everything Bucky had just said finally sunk in. “You're queer?”
“I like both,” Bucky said, and Jesus, he was so brave, even though Steve could see how much it cost him to admit it. “And you?”
“Me too,” Steve said, the words rasping through his throat like sandpaper. Bucky nodded, the relief on his face settling something in Steve too. They both liked men, and that was okay. They both –
Christ, Bucky liked men.
“So...” Bucky looked down at his crotch again before he met Steve's gaze through lowered lashes. “You need some help with that?”
Steve was sure he flushed all the way to his hairline, his cock throbbing under his hands. “I –“
“I'd love to help.” Bucky's face was nothing but earnest. But Steve couldn't let him – not without telling the whole truth.
“My condition,” he whispered. “It's not – that. It's something else.”
“Oh?” Bucky's brow furrowed. “What is it then?”
“I can't –“ Oh god, could he really say it? But if this was headed where Steve thought it was headed, Bucky would find out either way, so he might as well confess. “When I hear someone... talk. About sex. I can't control myself.”
Bucky's frown deepened. “What do you mean?”
“I just –“ He waved a hand at his crotch. “Every time. I can't help it.”
Bucky's face relaxed, an amused smile playing at his lips. “Steve, you know that's normal, right? Getting turned on by sex talk?”
“But it's different,” Steve insisted. “Earlier, when you said all that – I almost...”
Bucky's eyes widened, snapping down to Steve's dick. “Wait, you – really?”
“I – thinking about. That. It makes me –“ Steve sighed, rubbing a hand down his face. “Makes me imagine if it was me. So yeah.”
“But you can come from that?” Bucky asked, and Steve's cheeks burned with embarrassment as he squirmed under Bucky's gaze.
“Yeah.”
The silence between them felt like a rubber band, ready to snap. When Bucky finally moved, Steve was so high-strung that he instinctively took a step back – but that just allowed Bucky to push him up against the tree behind him with both hands on his shoulders.
“So when I tell you that I've wanted to suck your cock for years. That does it for you?”
Steve twitched, eyes wide as he stared at Bucky. Oh god, the thought of Bucky dropping to his knees right now, taking Steve's aching cock out of his pants and – “Yes,” he let out in a strangled voice, and Bucky smirked, grabbing Steve's trembling hands and pushing them up against the bark.
“I'm real good at it. I'd start nice and slow, work you up until you're ready to pop, and then I'd stop moving, keep my mouth on you until you take over and start fucking my mouth instead. I really like that.”
Steve's head was spinning, Bucky's words burrowing right under his skin, setting him ablaze from the inside. His cock was so hard it hurt, but when Steve tried to move his hips to relieve some of the pressure, Bucky brought his free hand down and pushed Steve back against the tree, keeping him still.
“Maybe I'll pull off at some point. Let you catch your breath. It always feels better when you take breaks in between, did you know that? More intense. And when you come, it's twice as good.”
The heat of Bucky's hand on his hips was making him feel insane. Steve's head thunked back against the tree, mouth open as he panted for air. He could see it in front of his mind's eye, Bucky looking up at him from between his legs with those eyes, his mouth hot and wet around Steve's cock – “Fuck – Bucky, please –“
“Look at you,” Bucky breathed. When Steve opened his eyes, Bucky was right there, staring at him in awe. It made Steve's stomach clench with desire, everything inside him pulling tight, oh god, he was so close – “You want it so bad, don't you? My mouth on you? You can have it whenever you want, I'll give it to you every time –“
“Ah, fuck,” Steve whined, squirming under Bucky's hands – and there it was, huge and rushing, too overwhelming for Steve to even try to stop it – He looked at Bucky desperately, saw the incredulous widening of his eyes – and then he came, his whole body jerking as his cock spurted right in his pants, pleasure ripping through him like a shock wave. It didn't last long, but it was intense, leaving Steve shaking in its wake. He'd barely made it through before Bucky's mouth crashed onto his, kissing him so hard that Steve's lips ached.
“Holy shit,” Bucky gasped, and Steve could feel him fumbling between them, hear the clink of a belt. “Fuck, I can't believe you just –“ The slick sound of flesh on flesh made Steve look down, his gut clenching at the sight of Bucky stroking his cock, the tip of it pressed right into the wet spot on Steve's pants. “Jesus, Steve –“
Steve didn't even think before he knocked Bucky's hand aside and took over, his heart pounding at the weight and heat of Bucky's cock in his grip. Bucky immediately started thrusting into his fist, clinging on to Steve's shoulders for dear life, and after barely a minute, Bucky came with a drawn out groan that Steve kissed right off his lips, his heart pounding as he felt Bucky's cock pulse in his hand, adding to the mess.
They leaned against each other like two drunk sailors in the aftermath, kissing lazily while Bucky caught his breath. When they finally pulled apart, they looked at each other for a very long time, taking in this new paradigm shift in their relationship.
“So,” Steve said when the silence became too much. “That was neat.”
Bucky snorted, but his smile was fond when he said, “Yeah. It was.” He reached for Steve's hand, wiping it off with a corner of his shirt, which was kind of gross, but Steve didn't really have the room to complain, given the state of his pants. “I'd like to do it again sometime.”
“Me too,” Steve said quietly, wishing he could say what he really meant – that he wanted to take Bucky dancing, wanted to show him off and hold his hand every day – but they both knew that they couldn't. Their eyes met, and Steve could tell that even without saying it, Bucky was thinking the same thing, his smile a little sad and apologetic. Instead of dwelling on what they couldn't have, Steve pulled Bucky into another lingering kiss, shivering when Bucky turned his head to deepen it, brushing their lips together so tenderly that Steve felt tears pricking at the corners of his eyes.
“Til the end of the line. I mean that,” Bucky said quietly, and Steve smiled, hugging Bucky close and knowing that no matter what, they'd be alright.
“Yeah. Me too.”