Chapter Text
Nick
It was the high five, I think. Yeah, in hindsight, that was a mistake. At least, I think it was the high five that broke the camel's back. The camel's back in question being mine and Maddie's relationship. It wasn't that great to begin with, I guess, but hey, we had just made it across the six-month mark and now I have to start over. Again.
We were at our annual Paris Squad get-together, this time in some remote, rustic AirBnb. All of us were lounging about the living room on various couches. The others were meeting Maddie for the first time and it was going reasonably well – Imogen had declared them bffs, Tao was frosty, every one else was in between.
The evening was progressing and we were playing a drinking game. Well, actually we were playing Fuck, Marry, Kill but Darcy added random rules to make everyone take shots. Anyway, the first couple rounds had been fairly tame and I was getting a bit sloshed, when it was Darcy's turn to give me a triplet. They had that gleam in their eyes. I should have known that it was the relationship-ending kind of prank-gleam.
They presented me with "Charlie, Maddie, Tao".
Like the fool that I am, I answered: "Oh, that's easy! Fuck Maddie, marry Charlie, and kill Tao - sorry Tao!" I didn't even pretend to need time to mull it over. And while Tao was shouting a pretend-hurt "Ruuuuude!", Charlie and I high-fived over Maddie's head.
I mean, Char and I literally have a marriage pact. If we're both still looking for someone when we turn thirty, we'll just marry each other and call it a day.
Maddie did not take it well. She stormed off and my drunk ass took embarrassingly long to cotton on that she was seriously pissed and go find her in our room.
"I'm not marriage material to you?" She shoved her charger and book into her suitcase.
"Wouldn't you be just as upset if I'd picked Charlie for 'fuck'?"
"That's not the point" (Yeah, right.) "The point is that you don't see a future with me."
Wisely, I didn't share that it would have ended worse for her fictional self if my triplet had been "Charlie, Maddie, Tara" cause there's no way I'm killing Tara and even less way I'm killing Charlie, sooo… That was probably a bit telling about my relationship with Maddie.
"Ever since we arrived here, you've been hanging out with Charlie non-stop."
"He's my best friend! I haven't seen him in months," I tried to defend myself.
"But you text him all the bloody time. You facetime him at least once a week. What's gonna happen when Charlie moves to Leeds next month? Are you seriously telling me that the two of you won't be joined at the hip from then on out?"
In all honesty… With Charlie in Leeds, we were probably going to be inseparable.
I stood there, giving a good impression of a goldfish, just my mouth opening and closing, as I was desperately looking for reassuring words. Maddie just didn't understand what it's like to be best friends with someone like Charlie.
And now, I'm standing here on the driveway, the gravel digging into my socked feet, watching Maddie pull away, while she flips me the bird through the side window.
So yeah. The high five. The high five that wasn't even a conscious decision, just an automatic raising of my arm to clap hands with Charlie. We weren't even looking at each other, I knew his hand would be there to clap and it was. Cause I know him and I'd pick him over Maddie any day of the week.
Le sigh. Le very big sigh.
She was probably right to leave.
My shoulders are hanging low as I shuffle back into the house. Darcy is in the back at the opening to the living room, looking worried. Tara pulls her back. I can hear her mutter, "Leave it, Charlie will take care of him" as she gently closes the door. And of course, there he is, ready to lend me his shoulder to cry on. Charlie appears at the kitchen door to my right, holding up a tub of ice cream. The vibrant blue color broadcasts it as bubblegum flavor. Charlie hates it but I know he'll eat it with me anyway. That's true friendship, right there. I love that man!
He retreats into the kitchen, steps around the kitchen island and slides down to the floor. I sink down next to him, close enough for our upper arms to touch. The island shields us from view. It feels nice, the soft sheen of the warm wooden cabinet doors. Protected.
Charlie hands me a spoon and the ice cream and I dig into the blue goodness. After we exchange the tub back and forth a couple of times, he finally asks, "You okay?"
"Hm, don't know." I lick the spoon clean. "My heart doesn't feel particularly broken. Not about Maddie anyway. But man, my relationship track record is fucking abysmal. I can't get anyone to stick around."
He reaches over to squeeze my hand. If anyone understands, it's Charlie. All his ex-boyfriends were asshats. (With one exception, but that one moved to Canada.)
Time for another sigh. On to more practical matters. "Hey, I came up here with Maddie. Can I hitch a ride home with you tomorrow?"
"Sure, I'll drive your single arse home," Charlie chuckles.
"Oi, your arse is single too!"
Then it hits me. I am single. Charlie is single. We are both single at the same time for the first time since… we met. Fucking hell! How can this be true? We've known each other for a decade and have never been single at the same time???
When we met, I was with Immy and Charlie was with Ben, my best mate at the time. Not that they told me that. Ben was not out and they kept their relationship on the down-low. It took me quite a while to pick up on why Charlie was around so often. Ben freaked out first when I asked him about it but once he had relaxed, we'd often hang out, the four of us. Until I came to realise on how much of an absolute cunt Ben was to Charlie.
He had always had a bit of a mean streak. Like, one time, it had started to snow and Charlie and I went into the garden with Nellie, just having fun with the flakes swirling around us, just horsing around – it was pure joy. Until Ben came out and made fun of us for being childish idiots. But that was nothing compared to the day that I caught him forcing himself on Charlie, and the vitriol that followed.
That day, I gave Ben a piece of my mind and he did not take it well. In the breakup, Charlie "got" me, and I for one have never looked back. As a friend Char is so much better than Ben ever was. I don't think I really understood what friendship was meant to feel like until Charlie became my first true friend. 11 out of 10 would pick Charlie again. He makes me feel like it's okay to just be myself. Something I can't say for my former girlfriends or boyfriends (nor my one ex enbyfriend).
Case in point: Maddie. But fuck, did I want that to work out. I hate starting over again. And again. And again.
"God, I can't take another year of this," I whine.
"This?" Charlie asks, scratching leaves into the surface of the ice cream with his spoon.
"Dating."
"Why is there only one more year of dating? You finding true love then?" He bumps his shoulder into mine. "What's changing in a year from now?"
"Erm, excuse me, I'll turn thirty and our marriage pact will take effect." I turn to glare at him. I'm actually a bit offended he is not as aware of this as I am.
"Oh, so it takes effect when you hit thirty?" Charlie sounds surprised.
"It doesn't?" It has genuinely never occurred to me it might not be my birthday that counts. "Fuck, Char, I can't do this another 2.5 years until you turn thirty. Please don't make me wait an extra year and a half." I bang my forehead gently against his shoulder to underline my desperation.
"Wait." Charlie sits up straighter. "You'd actually go through with the pact? You actually want to marry me at thirty?"
"I'd marry you right now if you wanted." And as I say it, I realise that it is 100% true. Get us in front of a registrar right this moment and I'd say yes. Wouldn't even hesitate.
Charlie's jaw drops, like, it literally drops.
"Why are you so surprised?" I really don't get it. "Wasn't that already established? You're my favourite person, my best friend ever."
"Yeah, I know that," he says haltingly, "I just don't think that your spouse should be your best friend is supposed to be taken quite so literally."
"Okay, so what I'm hearing is that you never actually intended to go through with the pact?" I try to keep my tone light but that actually hurts a lot and I'm not sure why. These pacts are always half jokes, aren't they? Why do I get my knickers in a twist just because Charlie doesn't want to uphold a silly vow we made when we were still teenagers? All I know is that this somehow hurts more than Maddie packing up her things and speeding away.
"Erm." Charlie pulls on his sleeves. "I never expected you to want to go through with it."
"Why wouldn't I?"
"Well, let's start with the obvious." He gnaws on his bottom lip. I turn my upper body fully towards him. Charlie gives his head a little shake. "Kids. You want children."
"So do you, don't you? Like, eventually."
"Yes, but I'm gay. Kids were always going to be tricky for me. I was always aware that I might end up without kids and made my peace with that. But you, you are bi. You could focus on women in the hopes of falling in love. That would save you a ton of money, paperwork, and anxiety."
"You are aware that there are a lot of heterosexual couples that can't have kids, yeah?"
Charlie rolls his eyes. "I'm talking odds here. With me you have zero chances of kids just happening. With a woman your odds would be, I don't know, 95% of it going well. Maybe not 95%, but definitely a whole lot better than with me."
I ponder this for all of two seconds. "I'd rather be childless with you at my side than have children married to anyone else." Again, I realise the truth of my words as I speak them. In all of my visions of the future, whenever I daydream about how my life is going to work out – Charlie's always in them. Ooops. I'm starting to wonder if that is why none of my relationships have worked out.
Charlie looks at me with huge, glistening eyes. "Yeah?"
"Yeah." There's a curl on his cheek that I'm itching to tuck behind his ear. Maybe lean in for a kiss. Fuck, what is this? I need to rein it in! I cannot come on too strong if I don't want Charlie to bolt. "You make me happy," I whisper.
His bottom lip is getting bit again. Poor thing, about to be mangled. And what a perfectly pillowy lip it is.
"Char, every single partner I've ever had thought that the two of us were spending too much time together. That we were too close. It bugged each and every one of them. But I just… like being with you. Now, if I just marry you? Problem solved! Nobody gets jealous. There's no one else I'd rather come home to anyway."
Charlie processes this for a second.
"Okay, just so that I understand correctly… Are you envisioning a platonic marriage? I mean, since we're friends."
Oh. A vision of a naked Charlie writhing in my arms flashes through my brain. I like that vision a lot. So much so that I have to pull up my knees.
"Erm. Is that what you want?" I don't want to sound like a horndog but I definitely did not have a sexless marriage in mind. "Because I was thinking it would be a real marriage, erm, sorry, poor choice of words. Let me try again. I wasn't thinking platonic, I was thinking with sex."
Once more, Charlie seems stunned and I can't fathom why. I compliment him quite often. Is it such a leap to assume I'd want him in my bed?
"It's not a dealbreaker if you don't want to sleep with me," I'm quick to backpedal. I'll take whatever pieces of himself Charlie is willing to give to me.
"No no, that's not it. I'm just surprised." He emits a little humming sound. "A real, consummated marriage then. In a year from now."
"Yes, that's what I'm proposing." Fuck, I'm nervous. Deliberately, I stop rubbing the back of my neck and rest my hand on my thighs.
Charlie picks up the abandoned ice cream tub and scoops out another tiny spoon. I watch his lips glide over the metal, his tongue darting out to catch a melted drop. I'm barely breathing.
"Okay." He smiles at me and nods. I don't really know how to read the expression in his indigo eyes. "It's late, let's head to bed."
Erm, what? That's it?
He pushes himself to his feet and helps me up. We put away the ice cream and say good night to the living room crowd. I follow him down the corridor to our respective rooms, my head swirling with versions of our futures. Houses, dogs, kids, …
Just one more year. I can make that, right?