Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Im not homophobic nor am i a fag.

I dont love boys, i only like girls. Especially the fake blond ones, or the greaser girl via brown hair with green-grey eyes, including the light but tanned skin and the light freckles that look gorgeous on their skin. No. I need to stop. Lord why did u stick me in here with him?

I was stuck in a church with pony, the worst place to be. The Father is watching, I cant have any bad thoughts. I dont have my rosary with me so im not able to get guidance to repent my sinful thoughts. I cant even stare at him without thinking how pretty he was. pretty as those girls dally would catcall. No. He wasnt pretty, not even close.

Why couldn’t he be born different? Why did the Father put me in this situation? I already suffered enough, i can handle being beaten half to death, just not this.

He was sitting outside on the steps of the back of the church as i made myself another sandwich. Im tired of eating the same sandwiches for the past week, it was making my stomach hurt. Im sure ponyboy hated it too, hes been avoiding eating the sandwiches and focused on smoking more.

I was conflicted on telling him to stop smoking, we didnt have anything if he ended up catching something. We didnt even have blankets, which im already used to making blankets out of old newspapers i found at the lot. Thats not the point, i dont know if ponyboy can handle the cold weather in that jacket that dally gave him.

I stared at the sandwich in my hands, i wanted to ask if ponyboy wanted one, but i cant even look at ponyboy without thinking horrid things. Ive tried avoiding him, but its hard in a semi small church and ponyboy trying to talk more to me. And i dont like that. Its not getting on my nerves, i love talking to him, especially staring when he rants about anything, how he lights up whenever-

Im getting off topic.

I cant keep praying and begging for the Lord to help me get rid of this disgusting feeling i’ve been feeling. I can already feel the salty, but warm tears falling down my cheeks. i quickly wiped them away once i saw ponyboy walking towards me in the corner of my eye, i quickly bit into the bologna sandwich before ponyboy leaned forward into me.

“Johnny?” ponyboy spoke softly, i looked up, i met with those eyes that were so captivating, like a siren leading someone into danger. “Do u think we’re ever gonna go back to having a normal life?” I felt my heart drop, I haven’t thought about what was going on outside with dally or two-bit, even Steve. Dally hadn’t came to tell us anything, if it was even safe to come out yet, i didn’t know how to respond, i didn’t know if i wanted to respond in the first place.

“I dunno pone. We just have to wait till dally comes back with news.” I laughed, or I tried too, kinda hard to when u have a good.. friend right next u. I gave him a small nudge, as I bit into my sandwich again, i saw ponyboy starting to make one too. He had a small disgusted face, like the bologna just hurt him, i moved away from him. One to give him space, and to just.. get away. Ponyboy seemed to notice cause he gave me a weird suspicious look.

“Y’know youve been acting weird johnny.” I stood there as i shifted my gaze away from him, i shifted around in my jacket. How could i not? I jus’ killed some poor boy for the Lords sake, along with the fact i had to be stuffed with ponyboy, alone?

“How could i not?” i replied as i looked up at him, ponys eyes were more fixated on making the sandwich then on me. I flinched ever so slightly when i saw his gaze, the light sprinkle of freckles, scattered on his cheeks. Damn it. “Besides that, its almost like you’ve been.. avoiding me.” I swore i could feel the disappointment in his gaze, the sadness.

It felt like all the words were taken out of my mouth, I opened my mouth for almost nothing to come out. “Sorry, maybe it was the wrong time to bring that up.” I heard him apologize, It was too early to deal with my feelings. I looked away, I ended up walking out, leaving my sandwich half eaten on the table, i grabbed a cigarette out the pack that ponyboy placed down on the dusty table. i ended up walking out to take a smoke, I couldnt handle looking at him.

I walked out to the backdoor of the church, i walked down the three steps before i walked towards the edge of the hill. there was a large but a broken fence attempting to keep people from falling off, it wasnt doing the greatest job of doing that, half of it was already falling apart itself. I had a lighter in my back pocket, i pulled it out to ignite my cigarette. i stood there looking up into the fiery yet golden sunrise, it was gorgeous.

I rarely ever look up at sunrises or even sunsets.

Its not that i hate them. i dont, i think they are gorgeous infact, but it just.. reminds me so much of ponyboy. the moment that thought went threw my head, i jumped when i heard the backdoor open again. It was ponyboy, himself, his eyes looked more green than grey in this sunrise, his skin look glowy, his hair looked orange too. he was too gorgeous for his own good.

i disliked that.

I felt ponyboys gaze hit me for a second before it snapped back up to stare at the sky, he was mesmerized by the gorgeous sunrise. the yellow parts of the sunrise matched his bleached blond hair, i really did regret cutting his hair. but it was to keep him safe, so i had to. my cigarette ended up falling out of my fingers, i snapped out of the little world i was in.

“shoot.” i rubbed the cigarette out under the sole of my shoe, i didnt wanna start a fire on the grass. after a bit ponyboy ended up getting closer to be, not enough for me to feel sinful. just far enough it just seemed like we were buddies, he stared at the sunrise, it was gold with some pink hue added in it.

“golly, that is gorgeous.” i heard ponyboy whisper under his breath, i looked back at him. the more and more i look at him, it seems like he gets gorgeous every single time. my hands were clammy, it was cold yet i can feel myself sweating. i wanted to stop looking, but i couldn’t, like my body was against me. after awhile, ponyboy finally glanced back at me, i swore i felt my face start to heat up.

“are you burning up johnny?” he laughed. he laughed. i finally looked away from his face i felt his hand hit my shoulder, it was comforting. “‘m fine ponyboy. maybe its the sunlight or sumthin’.” i shrugged as i tried pushing off his hand without trying to seem like im rude.

Ponyboy seemed to stare at me longer than i would like. if it wasn’t sinful, i would actually enjoy it. But its a horrid sin, but i cant stop thinking about him, or how handsome he is.

Lord im sorry.

Chapter Text

We stood outside for awhile, we barely spoke. I stared at the sunrise, I didnt dare to stare up at ponyboy. I simply didnt want to, maybe i was rude but i didnt care.

“‘m going inside.” I just wanted to get away cause the more longer i stand near ponyboy, the more weird and sinful i get, he can stay out there for how long he wants too. It doesnt matter to me.

“Wait— johnny.” i stopped in my tracks, i was near the stairs that led inside, i didnt turn my head around. I just stood there staring at the pants my parents gave me, the ripped and unwashed ones. It was pure silence, besides for the small chirps from the birds. We just stood there basking in the sunlight.

“I.. Nevermind.”

I really did wanna hear what he wanted to tell me, but i chose to stay quiet. Like always. Maybe i should go down to the lake further down from the church. Just watching the ripples of the water. I just needed something to take my mind off of him.

I walked back inside, i stared at my jean jacket, i haven’t showered in almost a week, or longer than a week? Golly I’m losing my mind staying in this church! No offense to the lord.

I sat down on the ground, leaning my head back as i tapped my fingers against the ground, i stared at the book i bought ponyboy a few days ago. We haven’t read it in a while, i see him read it but i gave up on trying to listen in.

I noticed ponyboy hadnt came in yet, I was hoping he can stay out of there for a bit longer so i can just stay in my thoughts. I stared at the cracks in the walls, no wonder why dallas told us to stay here, who would guess a murderer was hiding in a church? The church for the people loyal to the Lord?

I got up on my feet, i was a bit wobbly, my feet hurt and i could swear my legs were about to give up on me. I walked past the many pews that were slowly shriveling up, there was a small statue of Virgin Mary. The alter was pretty big but dusty.

I sat down on the first of many pews, my hands slowly and shakily clasped together. I tried remembering many of the prayers the priests preached about. Too many for me to remember. I closed my eyes and pressed my hands near my face.

“Father, i have sinned against you and am not worthy of to be called ur son.

Be merciful to me, a sinner…”

I whispered as i felt my nails dig into my skin, i felt small tears forming as i repeated more as i felt more dirty with myself than i already am.

“Wash me from my guilt

and cleanse me of my sin

I acknowledge my offense…”

I felt a tap on my shoulder. i jumped out of my skin, i unclasped my hands and looked up. I was met with those grey-green eyes again. I quickly looked away and stood up, wiping my face and taking a deep breath.

“You okay johnny?”

“Y—yeah. I was just..”

I fiddled with my hands before i shook off the weird feeling i had, i tried to. Tried.

“Just didnt feel good about the whole thing..”

Ponyboy was staring, Hard. I felt scared he was gonna feel worried, or weirded out. Nobody in the gang was into believing Jesus, or anything really for that matter.

“You can talk to me y’know?”

I nodded, my eyes flickered to his lips, the lips that looked chapped yet so soft at the same time. The ones that had a soft pink tilt to it— Snap out of it. I just prayed for forgiveness.

“Yeah i know.”

Chapter Text

“Please.. Johnny talk to me.”

I heard his voice ringing in my head, i sat down where i was praying not too long ago. my hands were shaky, i picked at my pants as i fought back a small frown.

I hated when he did that sweet voice, the same one that got so me so attached and inlove—

I’ll stop.

I felt the bench creak a little, i saw the small cringed face ponyboy made when he heard it. He always gets too close for comfort, I wanted to hate it so much. But i couldnt bring my heart to hate it.

My heart was always speaking and acting for me instead of my brain. i looked down and saw ponyboys hands fiddling with eachother as he sat next to me. His hands look dirty, I couldnt be judging since i was a mess in total.

Gosh cant dally hurry up any faster?!

“Johnny y’know i care alot for u.”

I know, i really do know that pone. And it hurts.

“I need u to talk to me about whats going on with you.”

Not this again. Sometimes it felt like ponyboy had superpowers to read my mind. It was fucking crazy.

“Maybe it was about the murder now.. But youve been doing that.. Prayin’ thing for way longer.”

I finally looked up at him, the grey eyes staring at me, his eyes were droopy and his lips were made into a small frown.

I opened my mouth, nothing came out, Like my body wanted him to continue his little speech. I swore i could feel his eyes flickering down to my own lips, that were pursued into a straight line to keep it from frowning.

“Please johnny—“

THUD.

I jumped up, i looked at the window me and ponyboy had opened to make entrance a bit easier for us. That blonde hair that was too light for its own good was shimmering.

Thank god.

Oops. Sorry didnt mean to use ur name in vain.

Ponyboy looked frustrated almost, like someone ruined his day in a few seconds. Coughing and shuffling around as dallas finally walked towards us.

“The cops arent searching. Or they arent searching tulsa atleast.”

He shrugged as he sat on the alter, the small creak as he sat down. Ponyboy was looking glad instead of frustrated.

“I lied and said you two were in new york, They believed it too! Had to stop twobit from going to new york to search for you guys.”

“Sounds like him. Anything going on at home?”

I heard that soft voice speak again, instead of that kind voice he used, it was more of him being bored and tired, mainly of being stuck in this church.

“Can we go out to eat?”

I asked, I really wanted to get real food in my stomach, i possibly look more skinny than last time, in the worst way possible.

“Yeah, i saw there was a dairy queen near this area. Not too far, or maybe a bit farther from the church.”

Thank goodness! I love churches, sometimes, but i cant stand sleeping in one for a week. Again. No offense to you Lord, i just cant handle it.

“Oh my god, Yes. Please. I cant even look at bologna sandwiches anymore.”

I nodded as i needed something different from sandwiches. Which is exactly what i did. And I made sure to clean up a bit, which was just be throwing our blunts into the grocery bag i got after my second shopping trip.

———

I felt loved to feel the cold air hitting my face, or the feeling of finally being able to leave the church without worrying about being arrested. Felt like one of my dreams came true.

Dally stopped the car to order us some burgers and sodas, which im heavily grateful for. Finally something in my life is turning around.

Lets hope my feelings get taken away next.

After a few minutes of dallas getting more angry cause his food isnt here and some of it spent listening to ponyboy happily laughing at dallas, we had finally got our food.

Me and ponyboy immediately dug in, The worker and dallas giving us both weird looks. Gosh! We were starving can u really blame us?

My face was covered in crumbs and a bit of ketchup as i shoved more fries down my throat. I looked like a chipmunk. I just wanted to go home.

Well.. Not really. Maybe just go back to take a long nap at the curtis house. I wonder if my parents realized what happened, that i could be thrown in jail.

“Dally?” I looked up, my body was stiff, i was halfway down with my burger. I can hear ponyboy stop eating. Nosey.

“Yeah?” He shoved a few more fries down, His hair was messy, but bright. So very bright.

“So are we able—“ The words got stuck mid way. My mouth stayed opened as i stared.

“We able to go home..?” I pleaded somewhat. I wanted darry to cook me something that was gonna fill me up.

“Maybe. I think it should be okay. Cherry said something about vouching for you both in court. I dont know if i believe it.”

“Yes. Please.” I felt my hands clamming around the burger, i wanted to get out of this any way possible. Ponyboy was staring as he felt scared almost too.

“Like..— Self defense?” I heard the words slip out of ponyboys mouth. I stared at him, his eyes was wide and curious. Those gorgeous eyes staring like a deer.

“Yeah. Once we get home, I’ll try to find her so she can talk it out with u two weirdos.” Compete silence, just peaceful. Everybody was relieved. I felt ponyboy staring though.

Staring hard. I finally looked back him. It took me so many tries not to stare at his lips.

Maybe some more praying will do me good.