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“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” – Jeremiah 29:11
I was born into hurt. Hurt in the way of I came into life without what brought me to it. A motherly figure. I yearn for the mother I will never get. Yet who am I to be ungrateful when I have so much in life? I have prayed to a god who promised he wouldn't hurt the sinless. How can I be sinful when I have just been born? I have prayed to a god who promised to answer. How can an all-knowing god not be knowing of what I want? Am I selfish for craving something some take for granted when others would pray for my situation? I have prayed to a god who has sworn he would help those in pain. I remain painful.
My mother fell victim to medical negligence, which in just left her much different then she previously was.
I, came out and I remain, physically unscathed from that specific circumstance. I have felt guilt for this since I understood the true effect of this. Will I voice this? No. I feel as though voicing this selfish feeling is seeking attention from people I shouldn't seek it from in this way. My father. I know if I told him I felt this way he would empathise with me, rightfully so. But nobody will ever understand, truly, what it feels like. Genuinely, how can one who isn't born from something which practically killed someone relate to how I feel. They can't. Not from what I see however.
Sometimes I wish I had been an abortion. Not that I would have cared. It would have saved the life of a beloved member of the world, opposed to saving one whom has given the world nothing.
So then it brings me to my ever-recurring thoughts of wouldn't everything be better if I wasn't here now. If I was dead, they would eventually be able to get over it. In my opinion, it's better to mourn the dead then the living who may as-well be.
My grandparents were those of religion. They brought me to church where I learned to worship like a dog, in the shrine of 'god's' light. I learned community, bible study, love, kindness. However it's a place I learned hatred. A god who forgives everyone, yet sends people to a burning place that they cannot get out of. All because of a lack of belief? How is that forgiving? They say ''an eye for an eye.'', so how come they say ''turn the other cheek.''. A religion of contradictions I say. I opt more for ''an eye for an eye will only make the world blind.''- Ghandi. For if you give back everything you are given we will never leave a pain cycle. One mistake would lead to a chain of events you could never stop.
I have always struggled with my belief in god. I want to, wish to, belief in something. Anything. That could help me. Aid me. It didn't help. I couldn't follow something that had hurt my mother so bad. Left her herself-less.
What kind of god lets children die? Is what crosses my mind the moment I think of worshipping, or praying to any god. Some people chose it, yet how come some that want to die get to live and then some die? When it really comes down to it, do the ones who don't make it regret it in the end? As their life flashes by, do they regret trying it? When their heart stops, do they wish they did more in life? Or the ones who didn't want to die. Do they wish they could've had more time? Do they wish that things hadn't turned out the way it did in the end? Do they feel peace, peace from suffering?
What about the gay kids who grew up thinking their mere existence was a pure sin? They grew up surrounded by 'love' and 'acceptance' that only supported you if you fit their mould. As long as the love of your life is the opposite sex, it's okay. As long as you're a boyish boy or a girlish girl, all is well. Kids are willing to kill themselves to escape a hell, thinking they'll end up in another one for being in love. How can love be a sin?