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“Hey Iz,” Ed’s voice holds a note of suppressed excitement as he thrusts a phone into Izzy’s face. “Look at this!”
Izzy leans back and tries to focus on the screen hovering two inches in front of his eyes. “Fucks sake Edward, what now?”
“This guy’s found the Loch Ness Monster, apparently!” Ed hands the phone to Izzy and falls into a chair, grinning broadly.
Izzy looks down to see a YouTube video entitled “Amazing discovery by Stede Bonnet, Cryptid Hunter!” A blonde man in khaki shorts stands with his back to a lake, holding up what looks like an enlarged photo. There’s a murky shape on the image and Izzy leans forward to take a closer look. Then he sighs. “Oh come on. That’s not even a good fake… it looks like a hosepipe someone’s chucked away!”
As Izzy watches, the man turns and gestures dramatically at the loch, stumbles, and drops the poster into the water. Izzy snorts and turns the sound up in time to hear a voice say “Oh my god Stede, what the fuck? It took me ages to get that picture right!” Something about the voice catches at Izzy… it’s the voice of someone as tired and pissed off as he is. He watches for a few more seconds to see if the owner of the voice appears, but the video finishes on a drone shot of the loch.
“I think we should check it out,” Ed says, jolting him out of his reverie.
“I really don’t think this is worth our time, Edward.”
Edward snatches back the phone and bats his ridiculous eyes at Izzy. “Come on Iz, it could be fun! We could get on the boat, get an interview with the cryptid guy… maybe even meet the monster!”
Izzy flicks him a glance. “You mean, film a proper exposé, right?”
“Well… we could just go with it, you know? He’s found something, no reason it can’t be the Loch Ness Monster.”
“Boss,” Izzy sighs. “It’s never the Loch Ness Monster.” He watches as Ed slumps down in his chair. “Look, we can go, alright? But let’s do what we always do, go along pretending to be making a science documentary, find out the truth and then expose it as a fake. That’s literally our whole business.”
Ed shrugs. “Yeah, sure. Let’s do that then.”
Which is how Izzy finds himself, three days later, climbing onto a frankly ridiculous boat with Ed. It’s a pleasure cruiser that’s apparently been repurposed as a science vessel, but it has a mast, a figurehead of a long-necked monster and a flag on which there is, bizarrely, a giant purple squid.
The owner is standing on the deck, beaming widely. “Good evening and welcome! I’m Stede Bonnet, it’s a pleasure to…” He’s thrusting out a hand for Izzy to shake when suddenly he stops mid-sentence. The man’s eyes have shifted behind him and widened, his hand and jaw dropping in synch. “Oh…” he breathes. Ed pushes past Izzy to grab his hand. Izzy waits for Ed to say something, but Ed seems to have momentarily forgotten his words. He recovers enough to say “Hey, I’m Ed,” and then the two of them are walking away, leaving Izzy standing alone.
He hears footsteps and turns to see a man approaching. He’s tall, with endless legs and dark hair curling at the base of a long neck. “Hi,” he says. “I guess you’re Izzy, from the tv company?” He extends a hand. “Lucius Spriggs. I’m Stede’s PA, for my sins.”
Izzy finds his mind suddenly vacant as his hand is engulfed in a warm and surprisingly firm grip. It’s the voice from the video, the harassed assistant for whom he felt a surge of sympathy. He takes a breath, then lets the hand go. “Must have been quite extensive sins, for that to be the consequence.”
Spriggs raises an eyebrow, and then smirks. “You have no idea.” He waves a hand towards the ladder. “Drink?”
It’s warm below deck, and there’s a small bar in the saloon. Izzy climbs onto a stool as Spriggs bends to take some cans from the fridge. As he stands, Izzy is once again distracted by his long neck, accentuated by the ascot tied at a jaunty angle. Spriggs looks up and Izzy averts his eyes, flushing, as if he’s been caught ogling the man’s arse instead of his throat.
There’s a little huff of a laugh, and a can of whisky sour appears on the bar in front of Izzy. He looks up again, to see Spriggs raising his own can in a salute. “A toast to insane cryptid hunters and their even more insane discoveries?”
“To getting this over with as quickly as possible,” Izzy retorts.
The man grins, takes a mouthful of his drink and then puts it carefully down on the bar. “Listen… your boss, that’s Ed Teach, right? The one they call Blackbeard, who makes undercover exposé documentaries?”
Izzy frowns. “What makes you think that? We’re just here making a film about the Loch, you know, a little segment for Countryfile.”
Spriggs sighs like he’s had the weight of the world on his shoulders since infancy. “With all due respect, that’s bullshit. I know who he is.” He has another swig of his drink. “I just don’t know what he thinks he’s doing here. Stede really has found something, it’s not an elaborate scam.”
Izzy drains his whisky sour. “To be honest Mr Spriggs, I don’t know what the fuck he thinks we’re doing here either.”
“Stede’s just a strange little man with too much money and a lifelong fascination with creatures that are even weirder than him.” Spriggs rolls his eyes. “Frankly, we should be grateful he’s just bothering the aquatic life of Scotland instead of inventing dodgy submarines and diving the Mariana Trench.”
“So what has he found, then? Two old bicycles and an oil drum?”
He waits for the other man to speak, but all Spriggs does is grimace and knock back the rest of his gin. Izzy’s eyes narrow in suspicion even as Spriggs gives him a sidelong look and opens his mouth, but if he’s about to treat Izzy to a revelation, the moment is lost when an arm lands heavily on Izzy’s shoulder. “Izzy Izzy Izzy!” Ed carols.
Izzy sighs. “Hello Ed.” He looks at Spriggs, who is biting his lip. “This is Mr Spriggs, Bonnet’s assistant. We were just talking about the monster, who is definitely real and not an elaborate scam, apparently.”
“Oh yeah, video guy. Stede was telling me about you…” Ed removes his arm from Izzy’s shoulder. “Iz, I’ll see you in the morning, it’s a 4am start! I’m just gonna go and…” and he’s gone, even as Izzy tries to summon up a response. All he can manifest is a sigh that feels like it’s dragged from his bone marrow.
Spriggs gives him a sympathetic look. “Sorry.”
“What for?”
“Well, let’s start with sorry for the 4am start, yeah? I’ll leave the rest for tomorrow,” Spriggs says brightly, his eyes travelling over Izzy’s body. “In the meantime, call me Lucius. And if there’s anything you need, anything at all, you let me know.”
Izzy feels a prickle of heat as those green eyes flick back to his face, and his mouth goes dry. “Right,” he says, after too long a pause. Then he raises his can and drains it, watching Lucius’ eyes fix on his throat as he swallows. A little shiver curls up his spine. “4am it is then,” Izzy says, and leaves to find his cabin before he can say or do anything stupid.
It’s already light by the time Izzy makes his way to the deck just before 4am, but a heavy mist hangs over the loch. Lucius is leaning against the railing staring at his phone. He glances up and gives Izzy a little smile, then looks back down at his phone. Izzy bites back a comment about millennials and eventually Lucius pockets his phone with a sigh and stretches. His fleece jacket rides up, and Izzy glimpses a strip of pale skin before he averts his eyes. “So why are we up at the crack of dawn then?”
Lucius shrugs. “Stede’s paranoid about other people finding the monster before he’s published his findings. We leave at first light, spend ages in the wrong place and then casually sail to the right place later in the day. He says we’re putting them off the scent or something.”
Izzy snorts, but before he can comment Ed emerges from the fore cabin with Bonnet. Ed has an arm slung round the other man, who’s starry-eyed and giggling. They both look far too cheerful for 4am. “Hey Iz! Ready to find a monster?”
“Yeah boss, sure. Let’s get this shit-show on the road.”
“On the loch, surely!” Bonnet says, and Ed laughs and gives him a playful nudge.
Izzy struggles against a sudden urge to throw something. Or to throw up. He rolls his eyes, and catches Lucius doing the same thing. He feels that surge of sympathy again, and busies himself getting his cameras out before he can think too much about that.
Izzy is sat watching the light break through the early morning mist as they cross the loch when he hears a hissed “Iz!” and turns to see Ed in the doorway to the fore cabin, gesturing urgently to him. When Izzy reaches him Ed pulls him into the cabin. “Listen, let’s make this a genuine wildlife film, with the real Loch Ness Monster.”
Izzy stares at him. “What? But this is bollocks, boss. Spriggs more or less admitted it last night. It’s either a fuckery or Bonnet is a prize idiot.” Izzy takes a step back as Ed scowls at him. “Edward, please focus, don’t let yourself get distracted by that twat. We’re here to make a film about yet another fake Loch Ness Monster discovery! This is what we do, Edward!”
“Fucks sake Izzy, it’s all we fucking do. We find some poor cryptid hunter, debunk their pet theory and hang them out to dry in the magazine. Big Foot, the Yeti, the Beast of Bodmin… we just spoils everyone’s stories and for what? Another bloody expose? Another BAFTA? Why can’t we actually just be enthusiastic about something for once? Aren’t you bored doing the same thing over and over again?”
Izzy leans back, away from that intent glare. “It’s my fucking job, Edward. And we’re not hanging people out to dry, we’re exposing charlatans.”
“Not this time!” Ed leans over, staring down at Izzy with glittering eyes.
Alright,” Izzy sighs. “You’re the boss.” He knows better than to argue with Ed when he’s in one of these moods. He reasons to himself that Ed’s instincts will take over eventually. His nose for sniffing out a scam will win.
But as the day goes on and the boat sits for hours, Izzy starts to worry. Ed is staring at Bonnet like a rescue puppy begging to be adopted, and Bonnet is flushed and excitable and talking too loudly. Izzy is feeling faintly nauseated by the early morning start, the motion of the boat on the water, and by the feeling, impossible to shake, that Ed is going to tank both their careers if he doesn’t pull himself together.
So he’s already in a foul mood when the boat starts moving again, and in an even worse one by the time Ed calls him over to film an interview. Izzy listens to Bonnet waxing lyrical about his journey to discover the monster, his surprise and delight at his early success and his ideas for his next expedition. He winces at every enthusiastic response from Ed, who’s apparently turned from the most dedicated sceptic to a wide-eyed gullible fool. And it all boils over when Ed turns to him and says. “Iz, make sure you get his left side in profile, yeah? Stede, love, turn to the right.”
Izzy has had enough. “Can I have a word in private, boss?” he hisses, and pulls Ed to one side as he sees Lucius approach Bonnet, holding a phone out to him. “Boss, this is fucking ridiculous. You know this is all a scam! There’s no monster, and I don’t know what this guy’s deal is but…”
“Ed! Look!” Bonnet bustles over to stand next to Ed, then stops as he sees Izzy’s scowl. “Is there a problem?
“Yes, there is a fucking problem!” Izzy points at the loch, wide and calm and devoid of anything unusual. “This is a fake, there’s no fucking monster! I don’t know what you’re up to but…”
“On the contrary, Iggy, there is indeed a monster!”
“Oh fuck off Bonnet.” Izzy laughs at the affronted expression on Bonnet’s face. “You may as well tell the truth! Did you fake that photo, or just find some rubbish at the bottom of the loch and get over-excited?” He waves at Ed. “He’s Blackbeard, you know. We’re here to expose your little scam, this is what we do. So tell us, what are you, a scammer, or just an idiot?”
Bonnet looks at Ed, aghast. “Is… is that true?”
Ed shakes his head, eyes wide. “No! I mean, yeah but also no! I am Blackbeard…”
Bonnet draws himself up to his full height. “I see! Well, since you’re so keen to expose the truth, I am sure you’ll be pleased to see… this!” He holds up the phone triumphantly.
Izzy stares at it. “Your fucking iPhone?”
“It’s a Samsung Galaxy, actually,” Bonnet huffs. “And if you pay attention, you’ll see it’s controlling the underwater telescopic camera installed on the hull of this ship. We have now reached the correct area of the loch and here, on this very screen, is all the proof needed to demonstrate the Loch Ness Monster is real. Real enough even for Blackbeard,” and he spits the word out as Ed reaches for the phone. Bonnet draws his hand back, but Ed follows, and leans over to look.
There’s a moment of silence, and then Izzy says “Go on then, what is it? An old hosepipe and a couple of tyres?”
Ed shakes his head slowly. “Nope. There’s something there, and it’s swimming.”
Izzy stares in disbelief as Ed takes the phone from Bonnet’s hand and shoves it under his nose. “Look, right there.”
Izzy looks. On the screen something is moving in the murky depths of the loch, a long sinuous shape that gradually resolves itself into a mass of tentacles. Izzy snorts. “What the fuck? What’s that, some sort of fucking squid?”
“A new species of giant freshwater squid, to be precise,” Lucius says quietly.
“Right, and since when is a giant freshwater squid the fucking Loch Ness Monster!” Izzy glares at Bonnet again. “Like I said, this is a fucking scam and you are a colossal twat!” He stops as Ed glares at him, his eyes narrowed. Izzy shuts his mouth abruptly.
Bonnet snatches his phone back from Ed. “Well personally, I think inviting yourself along on this scientific expedition under false pretences with the express design of filming a so-called exposé in order to make your sordid little documentary, no doubt libelling myself and my colleagues along the way, is rather more of a scam than my honest endeavours to uncover the mysteries of the natural world.” He pockets his phone and tosses his head. “This voyage is over. I would be obliged if you would both remove yourself from the boat as soon as we return to the dock.” He turns on his heel and marches away.
Ed steps closer to Izzy and grabs his upper arm, hard. “I am so fucking done with you, mate! Fucks sake.” He gives Izzy a little shake, then stalks after Bonnet, saying “Stede, no, wait, it’s not what you…”
Izzy rubs his arm absently, staring at Ed and Bonnet, then shakes his head and turns away to lean on the railing.
He’s still staring at the shore some time later when Lucius sidles up to him. “I’m sorry. Again.”
Izzy looks at him. “What for?”
“I should probably have told you about the giant squid.”
Izzy stares at him for a moment. Then he says “Shouldn’t you be over there helping your boss spin a line about the mysteries of nature or whatever it is?”
Lucius smirks at him. “Yeah, probably. But he’s busy listening to your boss tell him how marvellous he is and how exciting his discoveries are, and over here is a devastatingly hot Daddy looking all sad and wet and in need of a shoulder to cry on.”
Izzy tries to unpick all the words and focuses on the one that makes least sense. “I’m not wet, it’s only a bit of mist…”
“Metaphorically, not actually, oh my god.” Lucius leans on the railing. “Seriously though, you look like someone just pulled the rug out from under you and pushed you in the loch.”
Izzy shrugs. “Edward would have done that, once. He’s mellowed.”
“So, are you fired, do you think?”
Izzy shakes his head. He looks over at Ed, who’s now standing with a hand on Bonnet’s arm, talking earnestly. Judging from the expression on Bonnet’s face, Ed is being very fucking convincing. “Nah. I quit. This was the final straw. I’ve followed that man’s every fucking whim for twenty years, and now I’m meant to accept that a giant freshwater squid is the Loch Ness Monster? Fuck that.”
“What’ll you do now?” Lucius cocks his head on one side and raises an eyebrow.
Izzy shrugs. “I do freelance photography on the side. I’ll manage.” He gazes at the water. “I always fancied doing a book about sharks. I’ve taken thousands of photos of them over the years.”
Lucius gives him a little smile. “Well, if you’re looking for someone to help with the text… I’m a strong writer. One of my many, many skills,” and the last is accompanied by a raking look that leaves Izzy in no doubt of his meaning.
“I’ll… bear that in mind.” Izzy glances over the deck, to where Bonnet is now smiling up at Ed, who’s once again slung an arm round the other man’s shoulders. “Yeah. I’ll definitely bear it in mind.”
Lucius smiles and leans in, bumping his shoulder gently against Izzy’s. “Catch you later.”
Later
“Izzy. Izzy!” The words are accompanied by a little nudge and Izzy surfaces from sleep to see Lucius sitting up, staring out of the window of their little B&B bedroom. Izzy can’t quite find words but manages to make an enquiring sound, reaching out to sling an arm over Lucius’ waist. He shifts a little closer, but Lucius shakes him again. “Wake up! You have to see this,” and he points out of the window.
Izzy sighs and hauls himself up, leaning against Lucius and looking in the direction of his finger. Then he chokes, the words ‘what the fuck?” managing to fight their way out.
The loch is bathed in moonlight, and from the water a long thin neck has emerged, loops of snake-like body trailing behind it. A small head sits atop the neck and even as Izzy watches, it turns towards the window. He sees a flash as the moonlight reflects off its eyes. Izzy sits up a little straighter, and watches as the Loch Ness Monster glides towards the dock, dipping its head to nose at the side of one of the boats. A strange misshapen creature emerges from it, carrying a bucket. As it moves into the moonlight, the creature resolves itself into a man with a seagull on his head. Izzy stares as the monster nudges the man, who reaches into the bucket and holds up a fish.
Lucius leans over to look. “He’s feeding it! That’s… actually rather sweet.” He bites his lip and looks at Izzy. “Should we, I don’t know, take pictures or something?”
Izzy stares again at the man leaning over the railing of his boat, handing fish to the creature and stroking its chin as it gulps them down. “No, I don’t think we should,” he says slowly.
“No?” Lucius raises an eyebrow. “You don’t want to reveal the truth of the mysterious Loch Ness Monster?”
Izzy shakes his head. “Nah.” He glances up at Lucius and finds a smirk from somewhere long buried. “There’s a far more interesting long-necked creature right here … I wouldn’t mind revealing some more of his mysteries instead.”
Lucius gives a snort of laughter and leans down to kiss Izzy, who reaches a hand up to stroke the side of that long neck. Lucius responds with a shiver and reaches out to pull the curtains closed before sinking back down into Izzy’s waiting arms, leaving the Loch Ness Monster to enjoy its supper in peace.