Chapter Text
1.
“Lance.” There was a voice, distant. It sounded muffled, underwater. “Lance, look at me” There was a voice, distant. It sounded loud, and not loud enough. He could hear whispers, someone muttering things. Was that him? Was he whispering?
“Hey, Lance, we're here. We’re not going anywhere” This time it sounded different. Was there someone else with him? Whose voice was it?
“Lance, breathe through your nose. In and out”
He needed to breathe.
Oh.
He was having a crisis.
Or whatever you want to call it. It didn't matter what it was; the only thing that mattered at that moment was that he needed to breathe.
“ I-” He could barely hear his voice, between his rapid breathing and the pain on his chest. “ Im-” In and Out “ I don’t-”
“What is it?” He recognized the voice this time. That was Keith
“Lance, It’s okay. Can you hear me?” And Shiro
Shit.
Of course he had to have a crisis in front of them. What would they think of him? He was pathetic. That was obvious, wasn't it? He was overreacting. He always did, having a meltdown for the smallest things. And even though he didn't know the reason for this one, he was sure it wasn't an exception.
He lifted his head from between his knees and opened his eyes. He recognized his room, even though everything was kinda blurry. His eyes felt wet. He was sitting on the floor. Keith was on his right, Shiro on his left.
Right, Shiro asked something. “What?” Lance managed to say beneath hiccups. Shiro was looking at him “ Can you hear me Lance?” His voice sounded soft, caring…and pityfull
They pity him.
His eyes burned, the tears didn't want to stop and his head hurt. He wanted to scream. “Ye-” He tried to answer but his voice broke.
Pathetic.
“Yeah, I-” He took a deep breath this time. He could do this. “Yeah, I can" He looked at Shiro, then at Keith. They were both looking at him. Why were they looking at him like that? He didn't want their pity. He didn't deserve it.
No, they're my friends. That's worry, not pity.
But he didn't deserve it. Who would want to be friends with someone as pathetic as him?
No, I trust them. They trust me. He wanted it to stop. Why wouldn't it just stop?...
He was tired of thinking, of those thoughts consuming his mind. Over and over again Because he wasn't worthless, right?
He just wanted it to stop
Just make it stop
Make it stop
Make it stop. Make it stop. MakeitstopMakeitstopMakeit-
“Make what stop Lance?” He was startled by Shiro's voice, which interrupted his thoughts for a moment.
It didn't last long.
They weren't supposed to hear that. Those were his thoughts. It was his chaos. If they knew how he felt, would they care? But if they cared they would be worried. He didn't want them to worry. It wasn’t worth it. He’s not someone worth worrying over.
He’s not worth it.
He’s not worth it.
He'snotworthitnotworthit-
“Lance, I'm gonna say something and you’re going to listen.” He could barely hear Keith's firm voice. He didn't know how, but through tears and sobs, he managed to nod.
He swallowed and took a deep breath. He could do this.
He noticed how Keith went from his right side, to being in front of him. Lance opened his eyes (When had he closed them?) And unable to meet Keith’s gaze, he looked at the wall in front of him.
The paint of the wall was white, flat, and it looked kinda magestic. It made sense, he thought, since it was Altean paint. Probably the same one they used to paint the lions.
“Lance” Right, Keith.
Keith wanted to talk. He wanted Lance to listen. But Lance didn't want to listen. He didn't want to look at Keith. He just wanted to cry, to be left alone with his pathetic self. Be alone where, even thought the thoughts were there to consumed him, he felt safe.
“Lance. Look. At. Me” Lance didn't look. Not until he felt Keith’s hand on his face. His voice sounded authoritarian. Like he was commanding Lance to look at him. However, his touch felt soft. Keith moved Lance's head, and their eyes met.
It was still it blurry, even though he could feel how his breathing had calmed down. But the ache on his chest hadn't stopped. And he knew too that, if he tried to talk, his voice would be interrupted by hiccups
“Lance.” Lance didn't answer, but he didn't look away either.
“Keith” Right, Shiro was still there “I don't think this is the way to- “
“ Shiro, we had it your way” Keith looked away. Why did he look away? Because of Lance. He thought Lance looked pathetic.
No, that's ridiculous, he’s just talking to Shiro. He thought to himself Don't worry. It's okay. Lets not go spiraling again. “Now let me try mine. I want to help him as much as you do” Right Keith. He had to focus on Keith. And before Lance noticed Keith’s eyes were on him again.
He didn’t know when he had stopped crying, or when all the negative thoughts had gone away. His head was empty. And in that moment, nothing but the sight of Keith mattered. But his eyes still felt wet. His head hurt, and the hiccups still threaten to scape.
“Lance. You’re gonna follow me now. We’re going to take deep breaths, okay?” Lance nodded and closed his eyes. He could do that. Deep breaths “Breath in” Breath in “Breath out” Breath out. “That's it Lance” Breath in “You got this” Breath out
Deep breaths. He could do this.
He opened his eyes after what felt like hours. He felt better. Not good yet, but better. “Thanks…” His voice sounded a soft, and a little sore from crying, but at least he could talk now.
The thought were gone. For now Lance thought.
Keith waited a few seconds before he stood up, and when he offered his right hand to Lance, he took it.
“Are you okay Lance?” Shiro asked, making him look away from Keith.
“Oh yeah, thanks guys.” He smiled. Correction, most of the thoughts were gone. Because he still didn't want them to worry I'm not someone worth worrying over. So yeah, he smiled. "I needed that " He paused for a moment. “The help, i mean, I needed the help, not the crying, that was, kinda uncomfortable for all of us" He let out a nervous laugh. Well, good job Lance. He could feel his cheeks warm. He tried to give them a another smile.
Pathetic
‘’Im sorry for bothering you guys”
“You have nothing to apologize for Lance” Shiro’s hand laid in his shoulder
“Still, thanks.” Shiro let go. And Lance took a step back, heading to his bed. “ I think I need some alone time now though”
“Are you sure?” Lance’s gut ache of guilt when he saw the worry on Shiro’s face. He hated this. Having to lie to them, telling them that he was okay. But he didn't want them to worry. Not more that necessary. “Yeah, thanks again. I’ll see you later”
Shiro, even though he wasn't convinced, still walked out of the room with his brows furrowed. Because if Lance needed space, then he needed space.
Lance sigh, at least he was alone now, he could panic as much as he wanted to without worring anyone
“So…” A squeak like sound escaped from lance as he turned back, only to find a confused Keith in front of him. “Are you-” Right, Keith was still here. “Are you sure you’re alright?” The doubt and worry in his voice was obvious. Lance could say that yes, he was alright. But he was so tired.
He had successfully hidden his anxiety those past few days from everyone, until it came to attack him all at once. He had Keith and Shiro having to comfort him, and God, that emotional roller coaster was enough to exhaust him. Yeah, he was that weak
He could feel his eyes burn again. And when the tears started to fall, all he could do was think how maybe, he could allow himself to be selfish. Just this once. He didn't want to worry Keith. But maybe he hadn't left with Shiro for a reason. Perhaps, Keith cared more that Lance thought. Perhaps… Keith would understand, and Lance wouldn’t have to face this alone.
Keith stepped forward, and and with a lot of willpower, Lance managed not to take a step back
“H-hey…” It was scary, to open up like this. To be vulnerable. But he trusted Keith. Still, he doubted for a moment. But when he saw the worry in Keith’s face, for the first time, he almost didn't feel guilty for asking for help. Almost.
“Can you like…hug me?” And before he could say please, warm arms wrapped around him, awkwardly and hesitantly, but with care.
He grabbed Keith’s shirt, gripped it with all his strength. He placed his forehead between Keith’s shoulder and neck.
And he cried.
He cried, not worrying about the mess he was making of Keith’s shirt. Not caring about what Keith might think. Not thinking about how vulnerable he was.
He just cried, and focused on the hand that rubbed circles on his back, and in the soothing voice that whispered into his ear how everything was going to be alright. He needed help, and for the first time in a long time, he wasn't scared to ask for it.
They stayed like that for what felt like hours.
Once Lance calmed down, Keith’s voice echoed throughout the room. “Do you want to….talk about it?” His voice was warm. Lance lifted his head to look at him, and noticed how Keith looked away as soon as their eyes met, “Or not. You don't have to if you don't want to, just-. I'm here … to listen, if you want."
Lance knew he was a mess. His eyes were red and felt puffy from crying. His cheeks were still wet and he felt tired as fuck. But Keith didn’t seem to care. “I think i do”
They sat down on Lance’s bed.
He took a deep breath
Keith took his hand quick afterwards
It was gonna be alright
“So I have…” Okay, just get over it. Like when you rip off a band-aid. “I have self worth issues? Like, you know, thinking I'm not good enough” Deep breaths “pathetic.” Deep breaths “worthless, and-” Keith squeezed his hand. He hadn't noticed when the tears appeared again. Deep breaths.
In and Out. He started again. “I have self worth issues. Veronica says that they might come from something in my past, like bullying and stuff" He didn't notice when he let go of Keith’s hand. “I don't actually remember any of it, but that might be because i have a terrible memory, like, you have no idea how bad my mempry is. I can be like, talking to someone, they tell me their name, and i forget it not even five minutes into the conversation, like-"
“Lance, you’re rambling” Keith’s voice didn't sound annoyed, but how he was just pointing out a fact. Lance knew he rambled when he was stressed, or under pressure, or exited or- just with a strong emotion in general. It was pathetic. But still, he didn't want to bother Keith. So no rambling, got it. “It doesn't matter, keep going.” Keith’s voice sounded softer now, but still. Lance knew he was annoying him, it was only a matter of time before he stood up and left because he didn't have to deal with Lance’s crap. Still, Lance kept going.
“Okay, so…The point is that…I'm kind of insecure and I tend to have this... crisis? Where my head gets all mixed up? And my thoughts just won't stop throwing bad things at me…And…it hurts Keith” Lance didn't look at him. He couldn’t, but he could feel Keith’s gaze piercing through him. He smiled, looking at the flor, feeling the tears fall from his eyes. He had to make sure that Keith didn't worry. Because he wasn't someone worth worrying over. So he smiled, and lifted his head to look Keith in the eye. “ But don't worry, I have it under control, like, now I have them twice a week?. “ Crap “So you don't have to worry, it used to be worse so I'm doing much better now. And I'm sorry you have to deal with me, actually, you don't have to, just, you can leave you know? I know I can be a lot…So why would you want to spend time with a worthlessassholewhodosentdeserveanythingand-.”
“Lance” He looked at Keith when he felt a hand on his. Keith was holding his hand again.
Lance swallowed. “Keith” Not sure what to say, he just stared into Keith;s eyes. Keith stared back. “It's okay. “ He gave Lance’s hand a little squeeze. “I'm here…” Lance closed his eyes. His chest felt heavy. It was at that moment that he felt a hand cup his face as something wiped the tears from his cheek. He leaned into the touch. Keith felt so warm. “It's okay…” He heard again. And for the first time in a while - ever since he felt his mother's arms wrapped around him - he felt safe.