Archive of Our Own

“Leaving so soon?”

Aventurine paused in the midst of buttoning his shirt in front of the mirror, glancing back at the reflection of the man lounging languidly on the unmade hotel bed.

Aventurine plastered on a fake smile, his eyes curving upwards as he adjusted his tie.

“The deal is complete, sweetheart. No need for me to stay any longer.”

The man stretched lazily, yawning.

“Mm… Whatever. Pleasure doing business with the IPC, darling Director.”

Aventurine scowled at that, slipping on his shoes and slamming the door shut behind him.

What a fucking mess. He thought, as he walked down the hotel corridor, fixing his hat.

There was probably a reason Jade sent him on this deal and not someone else like Sugilite or Pearl. He frequently received missions with difficult clients, oftentimes male, but deceivingly easy to butter up to. Just a hand placed gently on their upper thigh, a small smile, and a whisper that maybe they should discuss the details somewhere… secluded. And they crumbled instantly, surrendering to their baser, carnal instincts and fantasies.

He didn’t enjoy it; he had long stopped expecting pleasure alongside his work. It was just another method, a tool in his kit. No need for feelings or any of those slippery, human emotions to cloud his judgement.

Except…

He caught a glimpse of golden laurels pinning down locks of dark hair, the familiar scent of marble, chalk, musk, undertones of sandalwood and freshly bloomed jasmine drowned in morning dew permeating the hallway.

“Doc!” Aventurine called out, hastening his footsteps to meet him. “Hope I didn’t keep you waiting too long.”

Ratio raised an eyebrow at him, pushing himself off the wall he had been leaning against.

“Gambler.” His eyes scanned Aventurine from head to toe, making him feel strangely exposed. “Your fly is undone.”

Aventurine felt himself flush with embarrassment. “Must have forgotten since I was in such a rush to meet you.” He said breezily, fingers fumbling with his zipper. “The deal went smoothly, if you were wondering.”

Ratio scoffed at that, walking towards the lift.

“You are well aware I disagree with your methods of getting people to comply with your ridiculous deals.”

Ouch. Aventurine grimaced. Hurtful much?

“Oh, don’t be such a prude, doc.” Aventurine replied, stepping into the lift. “You know I have the highest success rate, and get this, not a scratch on me!”

“Your hair is mussed on one side, there are bruises on your wrist and upper arm, and you have a hickey and multiple bite marks on your neck.” Ratio pointed out bluntly. “I would say ‘not a scratch’ is an understatement.”

Aventurine’s eye twitched.

“You say such sweet things, doctor.”

Ratio sighed as they both stepped out of the lift.

“Aventurine.”

“What?” He turned his head to look at Ratio, a witty comeback dancing on the tip of his tongue.

“Are you alright?”

The retort shrivelled up and died in his mouth.

Huh?

Ratio’s eyes were looking at him with such concern that Aventurine felt the slightest bit of guilt gnaw at him.

“I just watched you sleep with a man to secure a deal, and clearly, he was not… kind… with you, and you’re walking out like nothing happened.” His jaw clenched slightly. “Forgive me for being even a little concerned.”

“Doc,” He said, placing a hand on Ratio’s extremely well sculpted shoulder. “It’s just another chip on the table. Don’t worry your pretty head with lil old me.”

Ratio sighed again, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“Doctor,” Aventurine said, a teasing smile hanging from his lips. “Are you… actually worried?”

Ratio scoffed at that, walking in the direction of the hotel lobby.

“Don’t be a fool.”

“Ratio, wait! Stop walking so fast!”

~

Aventurine found himself curled up in his bed, silky blankets tangled around his waist, his head nestled on stacks upon stacks of pillows. His entire body ached, the bruises forming along his waist and collarbones throbbed dully every time he moved.

Rough was the right word for how the client had been with him. All teeth and sharp, cruel angles, degradation, harsh words and pulling his hair painfully. Being manhandled into various positions, pushed around and being forced onto his knees, pulled up and off by his waist by a scalding hot hand, leaving red imprints along his hips. Bites along his neck and collarbone, almost drawing blood before he gasped out “no leaving marks”, an annoyed grumble rising from the man gnawing at his throat like an animal.

He prodded gently at the mark on his neck, wincing at how tender it was.

It was the same mark that Ratio had pointed out.

Ratio. Aventurine laughed mirthlessly to himself. Pointing it out like he actually cared about him.

But yet, his heart twinged hopefully at the memory of Ratio’s concern, the way his brows furrowed in concern as he took in Aventurine’s figure, taking note of the abnormalities in his appearance; an observation that whispered familiarity with him, an unspoken form of intimacy.

Ugh. Aventurine turned on his side, regretting it immediately when his waist burned in pain, muffling his groan of pain into the pillow.

This stupid… infatuation, with Ratio, – Aventurine refused to call it a “crush” – was ruining his life, his every thought consumed by the eagerness to see Ratio, to be near him, to want to touch him, to feel him, to hear his voice, to hear him chide him for his recklessness, his tone exasperated but fond. The feeling of Ratio’s hands on his skin as he bandaged Aventurine up after their missions lingered for hours after, his fingers tingling when Ratio held the palm of his hand, flexing his wrist to test for any sprains. He wanted more of those gentle hands on him, maybe even holding his hand, or maybe – if he let himself daydream a little more – around him, in a hug.

His face flushed at the thought.

Aeons, it’s like you’ve become a teenage schoolgirl with a crush on the professor.

He groaned at his own self realisation, closing his eyes, hoping sleep would save him from the wave of embarrassment flooding his body.

~

Aventurine sighed softly into Ratio’s mouth, their breaths mingling. Ratio’s fingers reached up to gently stroke against his cheek, brushing away the strands of blond hair that stuck to his face.

“Ratio…” Aventurine panted when they broke apart. “I…”

Ratio gently nipped at the sensitive spot of his neck, causing Aventurine’s head to tip back as he moaned, eyes fluttering shut.

“You know my name, use it.”

“Veritas…” A breathy sigh, a quiet prayer whispered between the air they shared.

Ratio let out a quiet groan, hips grinding against Aventurine’s, burying his face deeper into his neck, breathing in his scent.

Aventurine clung on to Ratio’s shoulders, his legs coming up to wrap themselves around his waist, closing the distance between them. They were pressed so close to each other that he could feel Ratio’s heartbeat in his own chest, quickening every time Aventurine would let out a small whine and tighten his grip around him.

“Veritas,” He gasped out, tugging on Ratio’s hair. “Please… Please, Veritas, I need-”

“Tell me,” Ratio said, deceptively calm, his heart pounding against Aventurine’s own, resonating throughout his body. “Tell me what you need, Aventurine.”

“You,” Aventurine replied, chasing Ratio’s lips, his hands trying to pull him in closer than they already were. “I need you, Veritas, please don’t make me wait any- Ah!”

Ratio bit his neck, sliding into him as he did, his hands which were previously resting on Aventurine’s hipbones sliding lower to cup his thighs, lifting his hips up to meet his own. The position drew out a pleased moan from Aventurine, arching his back as he did and letting his head fall back against the pillows.

It didn’t hurt, was the first thing Aventurine noticed – dizzily so, staring at the man who had buried himself inside of him, breathing heavily on top of him – when he opened his eyes.

He didn’t feel any of the pain he had grown so accustomed to from sex. All he felt was a growing pit of fire in his stomach as he let himself be taken apart.

“Aventurine,” Ratio’s voice – impossibly soft and tender – sounded from next to his ear, a hand coming up to wipe away something from the corner of his eye. “You’re crying.”

Aventurine blinked slowly, feeling a strange dampness clinging to his eyelashes. He raised a trembling hand to cup Ratio’s face, his fingers caressing his cheek. Ratio’s skin was warm, the red eyeliner slightly smudged under his eyes, his eyelashes fluttering as Aventurine’s hand moved along the side of his face.

Aventurine opened his mouth to speak but a needy whimper escaped instead; a quiet noise with the tail end of a moan. Ratio tilted his head slightly to press a kiss against Aventurine’s palm.

“You’re beautiful, Aventurine.” Ratio murmured into his hand, his breath tickling against Aventurine’s fingers. “I have never met anyone that has captivated me as much as you have.”

Aventurine let out a pathetic sound akin to a sob.

“Veritas, please,” He begged, his other hand pulling on Ratio’s hair, trying to bring him in closer. “Please, please…”

“Patience, darling.” Ratio trailed his hand down Aventurine’s side to hold his waist. “You’re doing well.”

The praise sent shockwaves down Aventurine’s spine, causing him to jolt against Ratio’s body, face flushing as he breathed heavily, averting his gaze.

Ratio hummed inquisitively, rolling his hips and thrusting deeper into Aventurine.

“Shut up,” Aventurine barely managed to get out before hearing Ratio’s low chuckle that reverberated through his chest and into his bones. “Not… a word.”

Ratio pressed a kiss onto his forehead, whispering sweet nothings into his skin. Quiet murmurs of “perfect”, “just like that, good” and “gorgeous” in the space between them, Ratio gently rocking into him while Aventurine clung to him, muffling his sounds into Ratio’s shoulder.

“Veritas,” Aventurine breathed out, nails digging into his back, holding him closer. “I’m gonna-”

Ratio swallowed his noises with a kiss as Aventurine came, holding him tightly as he shuddered through his release, savouring his little gasps as he did.

Aventurine all but collapsed back onto the bed, his limbs landing clumsily on the sheets, Ratio still inside him, thrusting shallowly, sending sparks of electricity throughout his body.

“Veritas,” He whined out, screwing his eyes shut as the overstimulating pain fizzled out to pleasurable shockwaves. “I can’t-”

Ratio kissed his cheek with a tenderness Aventurine had only ever fantasised about, hips stuttering slightly as he neared his own release. He reached out to interlace their fingers together, painfully and achingly tender.

“Yes, you can. You’re doing so well, Aventurine.”

Aventurine tipped his head back with a moan, Ratio leaning in to brush his lips against his throat, suckling on a bruise with such force that Aventurine knew he would be applying concealer to his neck for days.

“I love you, Aventurine.” was the whispered promise against his skin.

~

Aventurine jolted awake, sitting upright, the sheets tangled around his legs and a stray pillow nestled in his arms, bunched up in areas that seemed to imply that he had been hugging it to death in his sleep.

Fuck.

What the fuck.

He could still feel the brush of Ratio’s lips on his skin, the gentle interlocking of their fingers together, how tender Ratio had been, holding him, murmuring gentle praises, telling him how good he was, how beautiful and perfect and gorgeous.

Aventurine felt a blush build on his cheeks as he recalled, covering his face with his hands with a groan.

His years of pining and yearning for the doctor, and now he was being treated to what easily was the most tender sex he had ever experienced? He felt… depraved, like he was some sort of lonely, sad, pathetic loser holed up in a basement and getting off to the idea of the touch of another man.

How perverse of you to think of him that way.

If he knew you thought about him that way, he’d hate you even more, and then you’d never be able to see him again.

But his skin ached with the memory of Ratio’s touch, strong hands holding him like he was fragile, like he was precious and something to be cherished. If he closed his eyes, it was like he could still bask in the warmth of Ratio’s body pressed against his.

His fingers curled as they mourned the loss, a biting sensation growing in his fingertips, yearning to hold something, or someone, closer to his body, to feel, hold, touch, caress, covet.

He settled for the pillow he’d been hugging during that – could he even call it a dream? It was more so a fantasy, a wet dream, if he was being precise – dream, bringing it close to his chest, as if it could simulate holding Ratio in his arms, being coddled and cherished by him.

The pillow was soft in all the right places, resting comfortably under his chin as he curled in closer to himself, the scent of his own body and soap wafting under his nose, bringing him a slight comfort and familiarity.

He idly wondered, as he flopped back onto the bed, if he would be able to find a replica of Ratio’s smell online, then he could spray it onto the pillow and pretend he was holding the actual person, and not just a clumsy replacement.

~

Aventurine found himself curled up in bed again that night, in the same position, pulling his blankets and pillows closer to his body, as if it could simulate the warmth of another human laying next to him.

He buried his head into one of his pillows, inhaling its scent while his heart throbbed dully in his chest, hammering behind his ribcage. Another pillow was propped behind his back in hopes that it replicated the feeling of someone’s stupidly broad chest, solid yet strangely soft, grounding, comforting.

Stupid. He chided himself. Like he’d ever want to lay beside you.

And yet his foolish, naive heart ached with longing; a painful sort of yearning for something, or someone.

His head was flooded with the memory of Ratio holding him, kissing him, touching him, caressing him, treating him with such gentleness that he felt compelled to surrender completely, to give himself up for him, to put himself in Ratio’s strong hands and let himself be taken apart, dismantled, and be carefully put back together.

Like Ratio could fill the hole in his chest.

Aventurine let out a quiet whimper into his pillow, muffling the noise as much as possible as he curled closer into himself.

Aeons above, he was pathetic. Whimpering and sniffling over the thought of Veritas Ratio laying in the same bed as him, maybe even holding him close and caressing his hair while he dozed, and if he permitted himself to fantasise even more, perhaps even a slow, tender kiss to his forehead.

He felt his face burn with embarrassment at the thought.

Senior manager in the Strategic Investment Department, part of the Ten Stonehearts, Aventurine of Stratagems, crumbling to pieces thinking about being cuddled by Dr. Veritas Ratio of the Intelligentsia Guild? Don’t make me laugh.

Aventurine turned on his side, the pillow he had been holding smushing against his cheek as he sighed and stared into the emptiness of his bedroom.

Stop lying to yourself and deluding yourself into thinking you’d ever have a chance.

The good doctor seems to have a penchant for broken things, broken like you are.

Perhaps that’s why he’s kept you around; clinical curiosity. Not because he was interested in you, or concerned, or because he cared about you.

Aeons, how could he ever care about someone like you?

“Shut up.” Aventurine mumbled, closing his eyes. “Get out of my head.”

You know it’s true, and you know it explains why you have such a deep-seated resentment towards other people who are able to find someone that truly cares about them. Walk down the streets of Pier Point and tell me you don’t feel bitterness blooming in your chest when you see the happy couples holding hands and sneaking kisses on the sidewalks.

“Shut. Up.”

You want something like that, with him. But you can’t live in your head and your daydreams and perverse fantasies of being happy and fulfilled in a relationship with him all the time.

You have responsibilities, a job, a life. You don’t have time.

You’re running out of time.

You’ll die alone. Unloved, unhappy and unwanted.

“Can you shut up?” Aventurine sat upright in his bed, his voice echoing against the walls.

“Mrow?” A curious head poked out from the foot of his bed.

Crap.

“Sorry,” He whispered to the catcake blinking sleepily at him. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.”

The catcake hopped onto the bed, nuzzling close to his body and purring, its eyes slowly closing shut.

Aventurine ran a hand over its fur, resting his head back against his pillows, listening to the quiet purrs of the catcake as he petted it.

Pathetic. You can’t do anything right.

He felt an irrational surge of emotions rise up in him, clogging his throat, tears burning his eyes.

I’ve tried! He argued back, defiant, defensive, distraught. I’ve tried so hard to do things right, to be where I am today, to be alive, to be here. And it’s exhausting. Every single day I wake up with a hollowness in my chest that feels as if I’ve been scraped clean inside. I know I don’t deserve to be loved, and nobody would ever try to love me because it’s too much work, and it’s rotten work, and nobody would ever want to waste their time on a hopeless case like me!

Yes, it hurts every time I think about someone even trying to be gentle with me, and yes, there is a stabbing pain in my chest every time I see people be in love and happy, but what can I do about it? What can I do except cry until I feel sick and my stomach hurts from throwing up in the bathroom? If fantasising and deluding myself into thinking there is someone that will hold me, caress me, hug me, be gentle with me and press tender, loving kisses to my forehead stops the pain in my chest, then who are you to deny me that simple relief? How cruel must you be to forbid me from even this?

The voice in his head was quiet.

Aventurine took in a shaky breath, blinking back tears.

I know, I can’t ever be good enough for him, and he will never ever love me back, but please, could you please let me pretend that I am? Just for a minute, let me slip into those shoes, until the pain goes away, until I can breathe without it hurting again, until it stops hurting whenever I think about it.

Silence.

Aventurine inhaled through his mouth, his nose too congested to breathe in normally, and closed his eyes. His damp eyelashes clumped together before dripping his tears down his cheek to stain the pillowcase.

Maybe something comforting tonight. His mind – its voice kinder now, less harsh and critical – supplied helpfully. Like a sleepy morning, waking up next to Ratio. His arms around your waist, and his hands rubbing soothing patterns on your skin. You can feel the warmth of his breath on your neck and it tickles. He kisses you good morning and makes you coffee and breakfast, and you both enjoy each other's company for the rest of the day. You’ll wake up feeling the lingering traces of being loved by someone, isn’t that nice?

Aventurine bit his trembling lip hard, tasting blood in his mouth, before letting the warm blanket of delusion wash over him in a mockery of a perfect life.

~

Aventurine awoke the next day, the remnants of Ratio’s touch a distant memory on his skin, the ache in his chest more bearable, his eyes stinging slightly. The catcake that had crawled its way into his bed had left, leaving a small depression under his arm.

He sat up, rubbing his eyes. His head throbbed painfully, making him wince.

Cold.

He rubbed his hands against his arms, shivering even under the blankets. His throat itched and his nose felt congested. He gave a small sniffle, before a cough forced its way out of his throat, his body convulsing from the force of it.

This is ridiculous. He thought miserably, as he slid out of bed, combing his hands through his hair. Not a single good day.

He stood up at the edge of his bed, one hand pressed against the wall in a lousy attempt to regain his balance as his vision blurred temporarily.

He stumbled to the bathroom, one hand clutched over his stomach as it churned uncomfortably, barely making it to kneel in front of the toilet before he threw up, his eyes and throat burning as he dry heaved, cold sweat drying on his back.

Ugh.

He flushed the toilet and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, sitting on the floor of his bathroom, breathing hard, the bitter taste of his own stomach acid lingering in his mouth.

He leaned back against the pane of glass of his shower, trying to regulate his breathing, tears springing around the corner of his eyes as he fought down another wave of nausea.

He needed to go to work.

Aventurine stood up with much difficulty, his legs trembling slightly as he held on to the sink, washing his hands and rinsing his mouth.

A caricature of his usual self was reflected back at himself; hair sticking to his cheeks, a light flush on them, a sickly pallor on his face, dark shadows under his red-tinged eyes. He forced himself to look away, his own dual-toned eyes, haunted as they were, seared into his retinas.

He dressed himself, hands shaking as he tried to button his shirt, his jacket, and the buckle of the choker around his neck. They shook as he pressed powder to his face, hoping desperately that it restored some colour to his face, giving him some semblance of normalcy, that he was not about to pass out in the dull, corporate grey of his office.

Aventurine gave himself a final once-over – a tad bit too pale for his liking still, but it would have to do – before grabbing his bag and hailing a cab to work.

~

“You look like crap.” Topaz greeted him as he made his way to his office. “Did you even sleep last night?”

“I don’t want to hear it,” He replied, setting his bag down on his desk as Topaz followed him in. “I’m not wasting any more of my medical leave.”

“Aeons, you sound horrible too,” Topaz wrinkled her nose, ignoring Aventurine’s attempt at a glare as he poured himself a glass of water. “Do you have any meetings today?”

“Thankfully, only one today, before lunch.” He took a sip of water, clearing his throat. “Jade asked to meet me, some new project she wants me to take on.”

Topaz hummed in acknowledgement, leaning on his desk.

“You better hope your doctor doesn’t see you like this.”

Huh?

“What?”

“I heard he’s dropping by to deliver some report, not sure.” She said, fiddling with the hem of her shirt. “Do I need to let you know when he comes in so you can avoid him?”

“I would appreciate it, I really don’t need-” He stifled a cough. “I don’t need him to yell at me for another thirty minutes.”

The last time Aventurine had gotten sick and still turned up for work, Ratio had caught wind of it and showed up in his office, lecturing him for a good half hour about the importance of “taking care of one’s body” and how it was essential to “maintain good work-life balance” and that he should “not work himself to the bone lest he become a walking corpse by the age of thirty five” to which Aventurine had nothing to say but nod meekly, bowing his head in shame, trying to ignore the curious faces peeking through the translucent pane of glass of his office.

Topaz snorted at that, pushing herself off his desk and walking towards the door.

“I’ll drop you a text the minute I see him walk through the front door. Unless I’m in a meeting, then you’re on your own.”

“Got it, you’re a lifesaver. Drinks are on me next time.”

Topaz waved away his offer, closing the door behind her.

Aventurine slumped against his desk, the ridiculously expensive rosewood cool against his cheek as he closed his eyes briefly. His head throbbed dully, nausea building in the back of his throat.

A chirp from his phone caused him to feel around blindly for it, checking the screen and letting out a quiet groan.

He had a meeting with Jade in five minutes.

~

“Is everything clear?” Jade asked, her hands folded over the case file delicately. “Any questions?”

Aventurine forced a smile.

“No questions, ma’am.”

“Good,” She slid the file over to him, a small smile on her lips. “You’ll need a partner for this, I assume the good doctor will be your choice, as usual?”

Aventurine’s eye twitched as he dug his nails into his palm under the table.

“You assume correctly, I’ll be taking him for this mission as well.”

“Excellent. I heard from Jelena that he’ll be stopping by later,” She tapped a manicured nail on her chin, elegant as always. “Perhaps you could catch him then and brief him, I know how busy both your schedules are. Do get started on this posthaste, I need your assistance with another project after this.”

Aventurine stood up from the chair, taking the file, trying his hardest not to keel over and crack his skull wide open on the floor of Jade’s office.

“Understood, ma’am, I’ll see to it as quickly as possible.”

He left the office, head spinning, his breath coming in rapid and shallow. He walked down the corridor, holding on to the wall for support, trying his best to avoid the crowd of people walking in and out of the many doors lined up like gravestones in a cemetery.

He collided into something warm and solid, an oof slipping from his lips, apology hanging on the tip of his tongue as he looked up to the person he had walked into.

Ratio?

Ratio was looking down at the person who had bumped into him with the slightest annoyance on his face. Upon realising it was Aventurine, his expression relaxed slightly, his eyebrows unknitting.

“Gambler,” His tone sounded slightly exasperated and – if Aventurine dared to hope – just the slightest bit fond. “Do watch where you’re going.”

“Sorry, doc.” He replied, sheepish. “Long day.”

Ratio raised an eyebrow.

“It’s barely noon.”

“Long meeting.” He corrected, praying Ratio stopped asking questions so he could return to his office and lie down on the couch until the nausea passed. “I got a new assignment.”

“Oh?” Ratio crossed his arms over his stupidly broad chest. “Do tell, am I supposed to babysit you again?”

Jeez, rude much?

“Of course not,” Aventurine plastered on a fake smile. “It’s not dangerous, just a quick trip to some planet, chat with their leaders. It shouldn’t be too difficult. I can brief you in full, say, tomorrow?”

“I’m free at two tomorrow, shall we meet at the cafe in Pier Point?” Ratio suggested. “I remember you mentioned you enjoyed their blend of coffee.”

He remembered.

Aventurine had offhandedly mentioned it to Ratio once when they walked past; he liked that the cafe was tucked away in an alley, meaning not many would walk through to patronise it. It suited him, for both business and small talk. He had brought Ratio there once, to discuss one of their many projects together. Ratio had ordered a simple latte, while Aventurine had ordered a black coffee, savouring the nuttiness of the coffee while Ratio had sipped on his blend.

“I like this place,” Aventurine said, blowing lightly over the rim of his cup. “It’s quiet, and the coffee is nice. Is yours any good?”

Ratio proffered his cup to Aventurine, offering him a sip.

Aventurine took a sip and choked, spluttering.

“Aeons, doc,” He stuck out his tongue slightly. “That amount of sugar is going to kill you one day.”

Ratio flustered.

“It’s a normal amount of sugar and milk! Your tastebuds are shot from all the alcohol and black coffee you’ve been downing.”

“Are not!”

They had bickered that day, a blush dusted on Ratio’s cheeks, a carefree smile on Aventurine’s. For a moment, they had shed their respective statuses, existing only as each other’s… friends? Aventurine could not tell, but he knew that he had felt lighter that day than he had ever been in a long time.

“Sure,” Aventurine replied. “I’ll see you then.”

He turned to walk off, the pang of nausea hitting him, making him stumble and almost fall over.

Ratio grabbed his wrist, steadying him, before pulling him upright.

“Careful.”

Aventurine blinked the dark spots out of his eyes, his vision swimming with them.

“Hah, sorry doc! Must’ve slipped.” He shot Ratio an attempt at a charming smile, the attempt falling flat when Ratio’s expression clouded slightly with worry.

“Gambler,” Ratio said hesitantly. “Are you… ill?” He reached out a hand to feel Aventurine’s forehead. “You know what I told you the last t-”

“I’m fine,” He snapped, flinching away from Ratio’s hand. “Spare me the lecture, doctor.”

“Your temperature is elevated, and you’re experiencing a loss of balance.” Ratio countered, releasing Aventurine’s wrist. “Are you sure-”

“Yes, Ratio, I’m sure. Stop clucking like a mother hen, I’m a grown man, I know my limits.”

Doubt was still evident on Ratio’s face, and Aventurine’s heart twinged painfully.

Was he concerned?

“Alright,” Ratio relented. “But when you get home, do make sure to take some fever medication and-”

Aventurine waved him off.

“I’m a busy man, doctor. Meetings to catch, assets to liquidate, casinos to bankrupt. I’ll see you at two tomorrow.”

He walked off, still stumbling slightly, making his way to his office, trying to forget the way Ratio had looked at him with concern, and pity.

~

The day did not get better.

His headache and nausea had gotten worse, aggravated by the fact that a new intern on the job had misplaced several classified documents, sending his entire department into an anxious flurry, only to realise that they were on the intern’s desk the whole time.

That, combined with the bumpy and foul-smelling cab he had hailed for his ride back, he could hardly imagine how much worse his day could get.

Aventurine slammed the door shut behind him, his head throbbing painfully as he discarded his coat by the door and hung his bag by the wall.

“Mrow?” A catcake nudged his leg, meowing in greeting.

Aventurine bent down to pet its head.

“Hi, hello darling,” He cooed, scratching its ears gently. “Sorry, I think I’m sick, you can’t sleep with me tonight.”

The catcake whined softly, rubbing its head on his pants. Aventurine gave it a final scratch before standing up, his vision almost blacking out as he did.

“Aeons…” He held on to the shoe rack by the door, waiting for his vision to return.

He stumbled towards his bedroom, haphazardly discarding his clothes on the floor to don on his usual set of silk pyjamas. He flopped ungracefully onto the bed, landing with an oof.

He sighed contentedly, the cool silk a fleeting pleasant sensation against his overheated skin. He fluffed up his pillow, cushioning his head with softness as he tried to get cozy, the pain in his head getting more obvious the longer he lay down.

Cold.

Sigonia got cold at night too, the desert winds ripping through the makeshift tentage he would set up, alone. He would curl into himself, trying to stay warm, shivering every few minutes, his teeth chattering.

He chewed on his lip, pulling a pillow close to his body. The pillow offered little comfort other than as a soft cushion to rest his cheek against as he tried not to cry.

Aeons, you’re pathetic.

Aventurine flipped onto his other side, burying his head under the pillow, like he could block out his internal monologue.

Sigonia, huh?

You could’ve saved them.

Your eyes, supposedly good luck, but what good is luck if you can’t save those closest to you?

Everyone who gets close to you dies, maybe you are destined to be alone, and to die alone. That way, no one else will get hurt.

Aventurine pressed the heels of his palms to his temples, digging into the soft flesh, an anguished sob stuck in his throat.

Please, please, be quiet. He begged silently, curling in closer to himself, his head pounding painfully.

You can’t do anything right.

The pressure in his head rose to a sharp, stabbing pain, blurring his thoughts and his vision.

“Shut up!” Aventurine slammed his head against the bedframe, the wood shuddering on impact, the pain in his head fading, replaced by a slightly less painful throb on his scalp. “Just… stop. I don’t want to hear it.”

The incessant chatter quietened, leaving him only with the silence in his apartment and the quiet snores of the catcake in its bed.

Aventurine settled back against his pillows, his head throbbing dully, blanket pulled up to his chin, and let sleep spin its web of lies over his eyes and mind.

~

A gentle hand brushed the damp strands of hair out of his face, before resting on his forehead, the sensation pleasant and sending shivers down his spine.

“You’re always so hard on yourself, Aventurine.” Ratio said quietly, his fingers carding through his hair. “I’ve only ever wanted you to take care of yourself for once.”

Aventurine turned on his side to look at Ratio. The gold laurel pin on his hair hanging lower than usual from the number of times he had run his hand through his hair, concern evident in his eyes, a worried expression on his face.

“Sorry, doc.” Aventurine replied hoarsely, throat itching as he did. “Won’t happen again.”

Ratio sighed at that before pressing a kiss to his forehead. “It will happen again, because I know you, Aventurine. I’ll be there to take care of you then as well. Get some rest, please.”

Ratio slid under the covers with him, his arms wrapping around Aventurine’s waist to pull him in closer, tucking his head under his chin.

His hand was comforting against the small of Aventurine’s back, a soothing coolness against his skin. Aventurine breathed in his scent – marble, chalk, musk, Ratio, light jasmine, sandalwood, Veritas Ratio – and relaxed in his embrace. Ratio’s breath tickled against his nape.

“I don’t know why you keep doing this to yourself.” Ratio whispered. “You deserve to take time for yourself too, Aventurine.”

Aventurine snuggled in closer to Ratio’s chest, trying to ignore the buildup of tears in his eyes and to focus on the warm glide of Ratio’s hand on his back, savouring it before it disappeared in the morning.

“Sorry.” He mumbled, out of courtesy. “I didn’t mean to trouble you again.”

Ratio’s arm tightened around his waist.

“You’re not troubling me, Aventurine. It’s not a burden to take care of someone you love.”

Aventurine’s heart – or what was left of it – twisted painfully in his chest as he sobbed into Ratio’s chest.

“You…” He choked out, amidst his tears. “You love me?”

He felt Ratio tilt his chin up with one hand, gazing into his teary eyes with such intensity that Aventurine fought the urge to look away.

“Yes,” Ratio replied, like it was common sense. “How could I not?”

Aventurine pushed himself upwards to press a slow, searching kiss to Ratio’s lips, his trembling hands cupping Ratio’s face, lightly brushing his eyebrows. Ratio’s hands came up to tangle themselves in Aventurine’s hair, kissing him back with such gentleness that Aventurine felt like crying again.

They parted for air briefly, Aventurine breathing heavily as he stared back at Ratio, whose features had softened, looking back at him with such adoration Aventurine felt weak in the knees.

“I love you, Aventurine.”

~

“Gambler.” A hesitant hand shook his shoulder lightly. “Aventurine, wake up.”

Aventurine opened his eyes with much struggle, sitting up and squinting at the beam of sun that had made its way past his curtains and was now shining into his eyes. His head throbbed painfully, spinning from the remnants of quite possibly the most tender, domestic dream he had in a long time.

He almost jumped out of his skin when he turned his head.

Why was Ratio in his room?

Ratio was standing next to his bed, his hand a distance away from Aventurine’s shoulder; clearly he had been the one trying to wake him up.

“What…” Aventurine cringed at his hoarse voice, clearing his throat before speaking again. “What time is it?”

If Ratio heard the scratchiness of his voice, he chose to ignore it.

“It’s almost three in the afternoon. We were scheduled to meet at two to discuss the latest mission, remember?”

Oh fuck.

“I called you several times, you didn’t pick up. Did you know your door was unlocked?”

Aventurine put his face in his hands, breathing in and exhaling loudly, before looking up again.

“Sorry, I-”

Aventurine went quiet when Ratio placed a cool hand on his forehead.

“You’re still running a fever, did you take the medicine like I told you to yesterday?”

Aventurine resisted the urge to lean in closer to his touch, before Ratio retracted his hand, an unreadable expression worn on his face.

He blinked at Ratio, who looked like he was about to burst a blood vessel from exasperation.

“Lay back down, and stop moving.” He instructed, walking towards the door. “I’m going to wet some towels to bring down your temperature.”

“Bossy.” Aventurine grumbled but settled back against the pillows, bringing the blankets closer to his face.

This must be a dream, how could he ever want to take care of you? This is clearly some byproduct of your weird fantasies.

He would never take care of you. Why would he ever want to?

You’re a hopeless case anyways.

Aventurine furrowed his eyebrows before he hit his head, hard. As if he could stop the incessant chatter of his internal monologue if he just beat it into silence like the night before. The pain of his headache dulled to a light throb as the thud of his fist struck his head, the noise in his head slowing and fading.

Ratio walked into the bedroom with towels and a pail while Aventurine still had a hand raised, poised to strike his own head. He gave a start, before rushing over to him, almost dropping them in his haste.

He set the pail by the bed before grabbing Aventurine’s wrist, stopping him mid-action.

“What are you doing,” He hissed, grip tightening as Aventurine struggled weakly. “Do you want to prolong your bedrest through a head injury? You’re already sick.”

“Let go.” Aventurine tried to pry his wrist out of Ratio’s grasp. “Let go of me, Ratio.”

“Not until you tell me why you were trying to hurt yourself even m- Stop struggling!”

“Aeons, Ratio!” Aventurine managed to wrench his hand away from Ratio, rubbing the red handprint mark on his wrist and glaring at him. “My head hurt, alright? I had a headache.”

Ratio crossed his arm over his chest.

“And you were trying to resolve this by… hitting your head.” Doubt was evident in his voice.

Aventurine turned on his side, back facing Ratio, refusing to reply to him.

“Turn back around, I need to bring your temperature down.” Ratio said, a hand hovering above Aventurine’s shoulder hesitantly before retracting.

A soft sigh escaped Ratio’s lips.

“Aventurine.”

He doesn’t even want to touch you.

Aventurine acquiesced, scowling at Ratio as he watched him dip the towel in the pail of water and wringing it dry.

“Stop glaring at me, you’ll give yourself wrinkles.”

“Shut up.”

Ratio gingerly placed the damp towel on Aventurine’s forehead, adjusting it slightly after.

Aventurine jolted at the sensation, the cold of the towel a jarring sensation against the heat radiating from his body.

Ratio let out a huff of amusement, before sitting on the chair near Aventurine’s bedside table and pulling out a book.

“What are you doing?” Aventurine asked, squinting at Ratio.

“My strategic partner is sick,” He said matter-of-factly, eyes not leaving the book he was reading. “Clearly, we are unable to discuss strategy until you’re better, and I do not trust you to nurse yourself back to health, seeing how you were attempting to give yourself a concussion earlier. I’m staying until your fever breaks.”

Huh?

“You’re staying?”

Ratio raised an eyebrow at that, peering at him over his book.

“Yes,” He said slowly, like it was obvious, like he was stating a fact and not something that was altering Aventurine’s world view. “I’m staying.”

“In my room?”

“Don’t be dense, I’ll sleep in another room. Surely your apartment has a guest room considering the price you bought it for.”

Aventurine shifted uncomfortably, the towel on his forehead slipping slightly.

Why would he stay? Why would he ever want to? This has to be a trap, somehow, designed to make a mockery of you.

“Yeah, there’s a guest bedroom, I don’t use it… obviously.”

Ratio hummed in acknowledgement, eyes turning back to his book.

“Why are you doing this?” Aventurine blurted out, unable to control himself any longer. “Why are you… staying?”

Ratio tilted his head to the side quizzically, reminding Aventurine – endearingly so – of an owl.

“We’re partners. I am inherently responsible for you, as Jade has repeatedly emphasized to me.”

Oh.

Of course. It was because Jade wanted it. Not because he wanted to, but because Jade requested for him to.

How could anyone ever willingly want to take care of you?

“Oh.” Aventurine said, sinking back under the covers, hiding his face in the blankets, attempting to hide the disappointment colouring his expression. “Alright.”

Ratio pursed his lips at Aventurine’s reply.

“She didn’t ask me to watch you. I chose to do so of my own volition.”

Aventurine hated the way his heart quickened at the reply.

A rustle of fabric sounded from behind his covers, causing Aventurine to poke his head out, his eyes meeting Ratio’s carmine ones.

Aventurine felt his face flush as he averted his gaze and Ratio arched an eyebrow.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this flushed before, even after you’ve downed enough alcohol to disinfect an operating theatre. The effects of a fever are truly miraculous.” Ratio remarked offhandedly, removing the towel on Aventurine’s forehead to resoak it in the pail of water. “You look ridiculous swamped in blankets, by the way.”

“Shut up,” Aventurine said weakly, as Ratio wrung the towel dry, the water dripping back into the pail. “I have half the mind to kick you out and let consumption just take me instead.”

Ratio snorted at that, gently brushing the damp strands of hair sticking to Aventurine’s forehead out of his face and draping the towel across.

Aventurine shivered at the touch, his heart pounding in his chest, his breath quickening and his head spun.

Were his hands always so soft?

“Dramatic as usual.” He picked up the pail on the floor and set it by the bedside table. “Call me if you need anything, you should get some rest. I’ll wait for the pharmacy to deliver the antipyretics.”

“Not going to stand over me to make sure I sleep, doctor? I thought you would’ve enjoyed watching.”

“No.” Ratio deadpanned, turning his back on Aventurine. “I’ll be in the other room.”

Aventurine watched as his back retreated into the hallway, the door closing quietly behind him.

His forehead tingled from where Ratio had so gently brushed the hair out of his face.

He bit his lip to stop it from trembling. He could barely remember the last time someone had touched him in a way that wasn’t filled with ill-intent, a loaded gun of barely-concealed lust and violence.

This was… gentle, a quiet sort of routine, familiarity, domesticity that spoke of a kinder upbringing on Ratio’s end, one that wasn’t filled with chains and a searing hot iron brand against his neck.

They were too different; Ratio’s childhood – from what he knew – having been one of peacefulness, opportunities presented to him, and Aventurine’s consisted of the dragging of manacles and his face being pressed onto the cold concrete floor of his cell, rough hands on his thighs and arms as he was ripped apart and left to die.

No one could ever love someone as damaged as you.

Aventurine let out a soft whimper, squeezing his eyes shut. A tear leaking from the corner of his eyes betraying his efforts to school his expression into a neutral one.

He just wanted, needed, more of those soft, cautious touches that Ratio gave, as if he were afraid to hurt Aventurine; like he was a porcelain doll that would shatter at the slightest pressure.

And he would have to tread on eggshells around you all the time, too worried of the fallout. He can never truly be free with you.

Is that what you want? To chain someone to you? Laughable and hypocritical, considering you’ve been living in chains all your life.

Do you think you should be doing that to him? Do you really think he deserves that kind of misery to befall him?

His skin ached with loneliness, the pain and pressure in his fingertips a familiar sensation from countless nights spent alone as he fought back another sob, hands reaching out to pull a pillow closer into his body, as if he could replicate the feeling of another person’s skin on his own, to soothe the pinpricks of pain that pierced through his bones.

He was lonely, terribly and devastatingly so. He selfishly wanted someone to take care of him, to be pampered and cherished and embraced, having someone to return home to instead of an empty apartment save for the catcakes he had adopted, to return home to a brightly lit living room, a home that felt warm and lived in, tiny gestures of affection like a warm meal prepared just for him, instead of reheated leftovers that never seemed to warm up properly, settling uncomfortably in his stomach.

A lump built in his throat, causing him to swallow thickly, sniffling after, the pillow against his chest barely providing any comfort.

Pathetic, he wouldn’t even indulge you a little, staying in the same room at least until the medicine arrived. No, he chose to go to another, clearly because he can’t stand the thought of being near you.

Strategic partner my ass, he doesn’t even like you.

Aventurine muffled a loud sob into the pillow, pulling it closer into his body, his frame trembling with the strength of his sobs.

It hurt, it hurt so much.

It hurt every time he thought about someone cradling him in his arms as he slept, carding a hand through his hair and a warm touch against his skin.

It hurt, and his fingers ached with the urge to hold someone’s hand and know that he belonged with them, and they with him.

It hurt even as he continued to delude himself into thinking that there was someone out there for him that would try to treat him right.

It hurt because he was just too damaged to be loved.

A simple and plain fact: Aventurine was too damaged to be loved.

Aventurine let out a quiet final sob, nails digging into his palms, leaving painful crescents, before exhaustion overtook his senses.

~

Aventurine felt the warmth of another body next to him, strong arms encircling his waist and legs tangled with another. He sighed contentedly, snuggling closer to the source of comfort, pressing his cheek to the person’s chest.

“Tired?” The low rumble of the voice reverberated against his cheek, making him squirm in the embrace.

“Mmh…” He wriggled his arm free from their intertwined bodies, his hand cupping the jaw of his lover lightly. “Exhausted, I don’t want to get out of bed.”

His lover – Veritas Ratio, Aventurine realised, a sinking feeling in his gut. Another fantasy, great, just what he needed. – chuckled, kissing his forehead tenderly.

“Was last night that… tiring?” He nipped at Aventurine’s earlobe, teasing.

“Not at all, darling doctor,” Aventurine tipped his head back to properly look Ratio in the eye, baring his throat for him. “Was it enough cardio for an old bag of bones like yourself?”

Aventurine yelped as Ratio flipped him onto his back, pinning him down onto their bed. His gasps turned into a barely suppressed moan as Ratio kissed down his throat, nibbling at his Adam’s apple, lips trailing down to bite his clavicle.

“An ‘old bag of bones’,” Ratio whispered into his skin, a promise of what was to come. “I promise you, dearest gambler, I’ll make sure you never leave the bed after this.”

Aventurine thrilled at the idea, opting to wrap his legs around Ratio’s waist, ankles locking together to form a secure trap, ensuring Ratio would never leave him.

“Mmh… Veritas…” Aventurine moaned, as Ratio pinned his wrists with one hand, his other resting on Aventurine’s hip, tracing circles on the jut of his hipbones. “Please, please please-”

“Quiet,” Ratio admonished, swallowing Aventurine’s needy whines with a firm kiss, leaving him breathless when they parted. “Impatient, needy thing.”

Aventurine groaned at that, arching his back, Ratio bending down to mouth at his chest through the thin material of his shirt, eliciting a sharp gasp from Aventurine.

“Doctor, oh that was absolutely filthy, you- ah!” Aventurine was cut short when Ratio bit the nub of his nipple.

Like a puppet with its strings cut, Aventurine collapsed back onto the bed, bringing Ratio down with him, his legs trembling, tangling with Ratio’s own, Ratio’s body pressed against him, every ridge, firm muscle and toned inch ripe for Aventurine’s picking.

“Tired already, gambler?” Ratio breathed into his ear, pushing himself up on his knees, licking a stripe up his ear, his grip on his wrists tightening slightly, sending a pleasant jolt down Aventurine’s spine. “We still have the entire day, darling.”

The doorbell rang.

Ratio gave a low tsk of annoyance, growling lowly in Aventurine’s ear before he buried his face into his neck, sucking a mark there.

“Just ignore it,” Aventurine whispered, eyes rolling back slightly as Ratio nipped at a particular spot on his neck. “They’ll… they’ll leave delivery by the door if we don’t answer.”

Ratio made haste to unbutton Aventurine’s shirt with one hand, almost ripping it off his body in his annoyance. As Aventurine’s shirt came undone, parting in the centre and slipping off his shoulders, Ratio kissed him with a desperation and hunger reminiscent of a starving man, trailing his lips from his jawline to his throat, and then down his sternum, going further down before pausing at the waistband of Aventurine’s pants.

He pressed a slow kiss to Aventurine’s belly, the hand that wasn’t holding his wrists teasing along the edge of the waistband, tugging lightly at it.

“Doctor,” Aventurine said, a little breathlessly. “Don’t tease.”

Ratio released the vice grip he had on Aventurine’s wrist, his hand running down Aventurine’s side, feather-light caresses on his skin, before stopping at the waistband, tracing patterns into his skin, a small smile gracing his lips as Aventurine wriggled his hips impatiently.

“Veritas, I swear-”

The doorbell rang again, accompanied with a flurry of knocks against the door.

Aventurine let out a groan of exasperation, Ratio’s head hanging low in defeat.

“I’ll get the door,” He leaned forward to brush a light kiss against Aventurine’s lips. “I’ll just be a minute.”

Aventurine sat up from the bed, lazily buttoning his shirt, following behind Ratio as he walked towards the door.

He was so lucky, he thought dizzily, watching Ratio’s back flex as he opened the door, the red scratches Aventurine had left the previous night standing out against his skin. So, so lucky, that he could have this for himself.

“Yes?” Ratio said to the person at the door.

The person said something unintelligible.

Ratio turned around to look at Aventurine, who was a good distance away, still buttoning his shirt, running a hand through his hair.

“Darling,” Ratio called, the term of endearment making Aventurine’s heart flutter. “Did you place an order for-”

He was interrupted by a quick flash of movement from behind him, a blur of silver, a knife piercing through Ratio’s body, the blade jutting out from under his ribs before it was brutally ripped out, blood spurting, painting the floors of Aventurine’s home crimson. Another flash of silver and another entry and exit wound just under Ratio’s heart, before the perpetrator fled, leaving Aventurine with the bloodied scene in front of him.

Aventurine stared in horrified silence, petrified, the blood dripping from Ratio’s lips as he opened his mouth in an attempt to speak, staining his chin, splattering on the floor. Ratio was staring straight at him, a mix of confusion and worry on his face. His hand pressed against the wounds, shaking as it came away stained red.

“Aventurine.” Ratio said, a bloodstained hand outstretched, as if he were trying to reach for him, before he collapsed on the floor, blood pooling around him.

Aventurine felt his knees buckle as he ran over to Ratio, kneeling beside him, pressing his hands to the wounds, staining his own hands with red.

This couldn’t be happening.

“Veritas,” Aventurine whispered, watching as more blood – Ratio’s blood – collected in a sticky puddle around him. “Oh Aeons, Veritas. I’m sorry, I should’ve been quicker, a shield or… or-”

“Not… your fault,” Ratio wheezed, blood bubbling at the corner of his lips. “I was… foolish.”

“Stop, stop talking,” Aventurine hated the way his voice sounded; choked up, fragile, weak. “I can call-”

Ratio’s hand shot out to grip Aventurine’s wrist.

“No.”

Aventurine tried to wrench his arm out of Ratio’s grip.

“Veritas, what are you- let go of me! It hurts!”

Ratio’s grip was searing hot against his skin, burning and blistering the area around his wrist. The edges of Aventurine’s vision started to shimmer with heat, his eyes burning, his face feeling like it was going to peel off.

Your fault.

You couldn’t save him. You couldn’t save them either.

Aventurine sobbed, tugging his wrist away from Ratio, his tears heating up as they trailed down his cheek, sizzling when they hit the ground.

Just like in Sigonia.

“Kakavasha, run.” was the resounding echo in his ears.

The blistering heat of the desert wind hit him in the face, blowing sand into his eyes, making him tear up. He squinted, his knees buried in the scorching hot sand, looking into the distance and almost threw up.

Ratio.

Ratio – or what was left of him; a mess of flesh, scar tissue, bleached white and charred bone mixing in a blurring haze, the skull exposed; as hollow as he felt – opened his, no, it’s, mouth, sinewy muscle stretching grotesquely as the jaw unhinged, its voice – terribly and painfully familiar – hoarse from the sand and the heat, spoke.

“I love you, Aventurine.”

~

Ratio heard a pained cry from Aventurine’s room.

His footsteps thudded against the marble floor of Aventurine’s apartment before he flung open the door to Aventurine’s master bedroom, to see the man twisted within the blankets on his bed, thrashing around, his limbs flailing, hyperventilating in a way that Ratio could foresee would result in racking coughs that would shake his already weak frame.

He hurried over, sitting on the bed and untangling the sheets from Aventurine’s lower body, almost getting kicked in the face by one of Aventurine’s legs.

“Aventurine,” Ratio said urgently, gently grasping his wrists to stop them from hitting him in the face. “Aventurine, wake up.”

Upon Ratio’s touch and voice, Aventurine’s struggles slowly died down, his frantic hyperventilation slowing to a shuddering inhale and exhale, the fight draining out of him, his eyelids fluttering slightly.

Ratio released his wrists, opting to slowly run one hand up and down Aventurine’s arm, the other feeling his forehead for his temperature.

Still too warm. He noted, his other hand returning to his side as the other idly brushed Aventurine’s hair, the pale blond locks still damp from the towel that had slipped onto the sheets from his earlier struggle.

A soft noise slipped from Aventurine’s lips, his eyebrows knitting before relaxing.

“Veritas…”

Ratio gave a slight jolt, pausing his movements against Aventurine’s hair. He looked down at the man, who had unconsciously pressed his face closer into Ratio’s palm, his expression unguarded, content, at peace.

Aventurine’s eyes blinked open slowly, his iridescent gaze hazy from fever, looking at Ratio.

“Doctor,” Aventurine mumbled, tilting his head slightly. “I must be dreaming.”

“Don’t be a fool,” Ratio sniped back. “Come on, up.”

Aventurine was surprisingly pliant as Ratio coaxed him up into a sitting position, hoisting him up by the arms and settling against the headboard of his bed. He pressed the back of his palm to Aventurine’s forehead again, his knuckles brushing against Aventurine’s cheek after, before pulling away.

Aventurine let out a barely audible whine as Ratio withdrew his hand, face scrunching up as he did.

Ratio sighed quietly, his hand finding its place in Aventurine’s hair.

The blond gave a pleased hum, his eyes fluttering shut, leaning in closer to Ratio. His head lolled slightly, resting on Ratio’s shoulder.

Ratio tensed, not daring to move lest he jostle the man. Aventurine was quiet, the soft inhale and exhale of his breath tickling against Ratio’s throat, his hair brushing on the underside of Ratio’s jaw.

He was so close to Ratio that he could smell him. Musk, honey, cedarwood and vanilla; an intoxicating, yet comforting smell, like a warm cabin on a cold winter's day, pastries baking in the oven, the scent of returning home and finding company awaiting, a promise of tender kisses and quiet hugs.

Ratio was interrupted from his idle observations by the sound of Aventurine’s sleepy and slightly delirious voice.

“You’re always so… so nice, to me, doctor. Just like how I imagine it, sometimes, at night, when it starts hurting again and… and I have to pretend you’re next to me so it stops.”

His voice was soft, quiet, but laced with emotion, an unspoken burden and vulnerability.

Ratio was about to reply before Aventurine continued.

“But this isn’t real, right?”

He froze.

“The real doctor, he… he wouldn’t be this nice to me. I think he doesn’t even…” A pained sigh. “He doesn’t even like me. He doesn’t want to be near me at all, and it hurts. It hurts to think about it but at least… at least now, I can pretend, and…”

His voice trailed off into a choked sob, burying his face into Ratio’s shoulder, leaving Ratio feeling like his world had just shattered around him.

Was that how Aventurine felt around him all this while? That he didn’t care for him at all?

“It feels nice… being able to pretend like he… like he cares about me. I know it’s sick, and it’s weird and it’s perverse and depraved, and I shouldn’t be deluding myself, but it feels nice to have someone care… for me.”

Aventurine gave a small, anguished bubble of laughter, the sound muffled against Ratio.

“I wonder if he, the real you, would hate me for even thinking about him like that.”

He wouldn’t. How could he ever hate him? For wanting someone? And the person he wanted being Ratio, it should’ve delighted him, pleased him. So why did he only feel a heavy sense of dread settling in the pit of his stomach?

Ratio shifted his body to adjust Aventurine into a more comfortable position, apologising softly when Aventurine gave a whine of protest, clinging to him.

“Just a while longer, please… I’m sorry, doctor, please. Please don’t go, please don’t leave me…”

“Shh…” Ratio shushed him, gently detaching him from his shoulder, cradling his head and lowering it onto his lap. “I’m not going anywhere.”

Aventurine gave a sniffle, turning his head to face Ratio’s midriff, his tears dampening the fabric of Ratio’s pants. Ratio petted his back gently as he breathed through his tears, his eyelashes damp and darkened from it.

Aventurine’s breathing gradually slowed into even intakes of breath, punctuated only by the occasional hitch from his earlier crying spell, soothed into slumber. The pats on his back turned to slow, soothing rubs along his spine as Ratio felt the pull of drowsiness tug at his eyelids.

How could he ever have thought I’d hated him?

He closed his eyes, letting his mind drift, slowly lulled by the weight on his lap, the quiet breathing from the man curled up next to him. He tugged a blanket over Aventurine’s body before letting sleep spin its web of gossamer over his own eyes.

~

Aventurine awoke to an unfamiliar warmth and softness pressed against his cheek. He blinked sleepily, his eyes prickling with pain, a familiar sensation often associated with crying himself to sleep until he passed out from exhaustion the previous night.

He wriggled under the blanket that was covering his body, shrugging it off his shoulders and yawning. He flipped to lie on his back and almost shrieked.

What was Veritas Ratio doing in his bed? And what was he doing sleeping on his lap?

Aventurine covered his mouth with his hand to stop himself from making any noise that would disturb the sleeping man above him.

What the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck.

Ratio’s hair was tousled, his usual gold laurel missing from his hair, his face relaxed in sleep, free of any frown lines. Aventurine tried to ignore the pounding of his heart in his chest as he stared at him, taking him in, trying to calm his breathing.

He must have made a noise because Ratio knitted his eyebrows slightly, his hand coming up to Aventurine’s waist, running his hand along his side, as if trying to console him.

“Shh… It’s okay, I’m here.” He murmured, seemingly to Aventurine. “I’m not going anywhere."

Aventurine could no longer control himself, or stand to see Ratio be so kind to him.

“Ratio.” He prodded at the hand around his waist. “Doc.”

Ratio’s eyes flew open, staring at Aventurine, who, apparently, had an extremely scandalised expression on his face which warranted his hasty response.

“It’s… not what it looks like.” He retracted his hand swiftly. “You… you had a nightmare, and I came to your room. I simply provided comfort where needed, nothing else happened.”

Aventurine stared at him in silence as he slowly sat up, inching away from Ratio.

“It’s true! I-” He ran a hand through his hair, clearly distressed. “Nothing else happened, I promise.”

“Okay,” Aventurine said slowly. “I believe you.”

There was an awkward pause of silence between them.

Aventurine broke it with a sigh.

“Nothing… weird happened, right? We didn’t… I didn’t say anything weird?”

Ratio looked conflicted, chewing on his lip.

Aventurine buried his face in his hands.

“Oh Aeons above, what did I say? Please don’t tell me I cried in your arms for hours while telling you how much I hated my job.”

Ratio scoffed at that.

“Hardly.”

“Then what?” He wheedled, morbid curiosity getting the best of him. “C’mon doc, you’re killing me here. Was what I said really that bad? You’re blushing, Aeons above, you’re actually bl-”

“You’re insufferable.” Ratio hissed, gripping his wrist as Aventurine almost fell off the bed. “Careful. ”

“Doc,” Aventurine’s voice took on a whiny tone. “You’re seriously edging me here.”

“Don’t- don’t say it like that!”

“Then tell me!”

“You, quite literally, cried in my arms and clung on to me and refused to let go.” Ratio said, an unreadable expression on his face. “You also told me that you were a…” He cleared his throat, swallowing. “A ‘sick, weird, perverse, depraved’ individual, and that I hated you and did not care for you.”

Aventurine stared at Ratio, stunned silence ensuing between them.

Ah. This is awkward.

“I-”

He wanted to dig a hole and crawl into it and curl up and die. Maybe he shouldn’t have asked, ignorance was bliss after all.

“And frankly, I thought it was ridiculous.” Ratio interrupted him. “I don’t hate you. If I did, I would not even be here, since I would’ve declined being partners with you in the first place.”

Aventurine bit his lip, refusing to look at Ratio.

“Aventurine,” Ratio reached a hand out to him, gently lifting his chin up, making him meet his gaze.

“I care, and have cared, for you deeply. It pained me to hear you talk about yourself that way, hence my… hesitation about sharing what happened while you were in the throes of a fever dream.”

“To clarify, I do not hate you. In fact, I cannot fathom a life without you in it, and I wish to continue caring for you, and… loving you, if you’ll let me.”

What?

“You don’t mean that.” Aventurine said, trying to look elsewhere, anywhere other than those eyes that looked at him with such kindness.

“I do.”

“There’s nothing for you to gain out of this.”

“I would disagree, relationships are not transactional.” Ratio replied, brushing a stray lock of hair away from Aventurine’s face. “I think it a worthy pursuit.”

“You don’t want me.” Aventurine tried, a last ditch attempt. “I’m not good, I can’t ever be good enough for you. I can’t provide what you need, doc.” He gave a forced laugh. “Don’t be ridiculous.”

“What matters is you. Nothing else, I don’t require anything else. I love you, Aventurine.”

Aventurine flinched violently at that, twisting his face out of Ratio’s grasp.

“No.” He said, his voice cracking, eyes burning with unshed tears. “You don’t. You just… It’s late, you’re not thinking straight. You don’t like me, you just think you like me, or it’s some kind of pity thing, I’m like your… your charity case, to make yourself look good for all the cosmos to see, so that they think you’re just so accepting. We spend one night in each other's…” He swallowed. “In each other’s arms, and suddenly you think you want to spend the rest of your life with me.”

He gave a sharp, shrill laugh.

“You don’t! You don’t want to spend your entire life with me, Ratio. I’m not someone that people want to be with, you know my history and you know what that means.” He pulled down the collar of his shirt, baring the brand to Ratio, who was looking at him with a horrible, devastated expression on his face.

“This, this means that I can never be with anyone, not without a price.” He dug his fingernails into the brand, scratching down, feeling the tear of skin as he did, the piercing pain clearing his head briefly. “Do you really want to pay that price, doctor?”

His tone was cruel; sharp knives cutting through the hazy comfort and faux-domesticity they just shared, curled up in each other’s embrace.

Ratio remained quiet.

“Please,” Aventurine said, his voice softening, fragile now. “Please don’t do this to me, don’t make me hope for something I can’t have.”

“Aventurine.” Ratio’s voice, impossibly soft, tugged at Aventurine’s heart. “Stop, please. You’re hurting yourself.”

He reached a hand out to him, pausing when Aventurine gave a violent flinch.

“I don’t want to hurt you, I just want to see the scratches on your neck. You’re bleeding.”

He tried again when Aventurine did not respond.

“Please.”

Aventurine tried his best not to tense as Ratio’s fingers brushed across the tender scratches on his neck, wincing softly when he applied a slight pressure on them.

Ratio’s eyebrows were knitted in concern as Aventurine squirmed in his seat.

“You’re still running a fever, I’ll need you to take the medication, then I’ll clean up the scratches on your neck.” He paused, looking at Aventurine. “Is that okay?”

Aventurine swallowed the lump in his throat.

“Okay.”

“Thank you.”

Ratio slid off the bed, walking towards the door.

Pushing everyone away from you? How typical.

The one person you’ve wanted to have in your life, and you pushed him away, why? Because he cared for you? Was that not what you wanted? So desperately that you forced yourself into a life of delusional daydreams in hopes that one day, your pitiful yearning will become reality? That one day, you’ll wake up and he will be next to you?

And now you’ve gone and ruined it all.

You’ve shattered your own dreams.

“Wait.” He said, instantly regretting it when Ratio turned back to look at him, those gorgeous, beautiful, and devastating eyes looking at him, red like a sunset, like an explosion, like flames licking at a charred corpse, like blood glistening in the sun.

“Yes?”

“I’m sorry,” He forced out, the words bitter and acidic in his mouth. “I didn’t mean to… I didn’t mean it, when I said that I’m your charity case, and everything after.” He dug his fingernails into his palms, wishing he drew blood. “I’m sorry.”

“I… I do like you, Ratio. I just…” He screwed his eyes shut, a helpless, self-mocking bubble of laughter escaping him. “I don’t deserve it, I don’t deserve to have nice things happen to me, because I’m… me. And I’ve long accepted that I’ll never be good enough for things like love, and having someone care for me and-”

A sob ripped its way out from his throat, tears beading around the corner of his eyes like blood from a cut.

“I want it! I really do, I want to finally think myself worthy enough for this lofty ideal of love I’ve built in my head, and I want to have someone that can love me, but-”

Aventurine felt the bed sink slightly before a light kiss was pressed to his forehead and he was enveloped in a tight hug.

Ratio was so close to him, Aventurine could smell the light fragrance he always carried with him – musk, chalk, marble, jasmine, safety, comfort, warmth – an inexplicable urge to cry building up in his throat.

“Please don’t say those things about yourself.” Ratio murmured into his hair, arms tightening around him. “You break my heart in more ways that I can comprehend.”

Aventurine wept, his tears staining Ratio’s shirt, clinging onto his shoulders as he did.

~

Aventurine curled up on the bed next to Ratio, wrapped in blankets, his head resting against Ratio’s shoulder as he slowly nodded off, the soporific effect of his medicine causing his eyelids to grow heavy. Ratio was swiping through some tabs on a holographic screen while Aventurine slept, one hand rubbing soothing patterns on his waist.

Aventurine moved around a lot in his sleep, Ratio noted, amused. Shifting around in search for a comfortable position and letting out a soft exhale once he was comfortable, nuzzling in closer, like a cat.

Ratio kissed the top of his head, closing his eyes as well.

"Shut up..." Aventurine mumbled after a while, wriggling around in Ratio's arms.

Ratio opened his eyes.

"I didn't say anything."

“Hm?” Aventurine nuzzled against Ratio’s chest before tilting his head up to look at him. “What are you talking about?”

Ratio resisted the urge to kiss him on the forehead.

“Nothing, you were sleeptalking, I think.”

Aventurine made a small noise like a yawn before returning back to his position in Ratio’s arms.

“I don’t… sleeptalk.” He said sleepily, wrapping an arm around Ratio’s waist. “I just…”

“Hm?” Ratio looked down at the man hugging him.

Aventurine’s eyes were closed, mouth slightly agape in sleep, a soft snore coming from him.

Ratio gave a small smile at the sight, kissing him on the forehead.

“Goodnight, Aventurine.”

~

Aventurine awoke to an empty bed.

He sat upright in his bed, feeling the slight depression on the spot next to him, his heart pounding in his chest.

Was last night… just a dream as well?

The spot on the bed was still warm.

He swung his legs off the bed, throwing open the door of his bedroom, greeted with a sight that made him blink and rub his eyes to check if he was dreaming.

Ratio was in an apron, flipping a pancake in one hand, the other blocking the catcake perched on the table from approaching the stove.

“You’ll catch on fire if you approach any closer. Your fur will singe and you will be hairless.” Ratio chided the catcake, his tone so serious that Aventurine could not help but giggle a little.

Ratio turned his head, looking at Aventurine.

“You’re awake,” He said, turning off the stove and sliding the pancake off the pan and into a waiting plate, picking up the catcake and setting it on the ground, much to its displeasure. “I made breakfast.”

Aventurine walked over to the kitchen, pulling Ratio into a tight hug, burying his face into his chest.

Ratio stroked his hair gently.

“Are you feeling better?”

Aventurine nodded, arms tightening around Ratio.

“I… I thought you left, and then I…I thought…”

Ratio shushed him, running a hand down his back.

“I’m not going anywhere, you don’t have to worry about that ever again.”

Aventurine sniffled, tears threatening to spill from his eyes as Ratio pressed a kiss to the top of his head.

“Come on, wash up, I made coffee for you too.”