Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Playlist:

Paralysed - Jamie Bower

Northern Attitude (With Hozier) - Noah Kahan

Crush - Ethel Cain

Night Shift - Lucy Dacus

Times Square Jesus - The Favors

Too Sweet - Hozier

The Archer - Taylor Swift

Do I Wanna Know? - Hozier

Drag Path - Twenty One Pilots

I Know The End- Phoebe Bridgers

Novels - Rusty Clanton 

Baby - Robert Bradley’s Blackwater Surprise

Chapter Text

Dennis Whitaker was tired. The sun had not yet risen on the cold November morning as he pulled himself out of sleep. The alarm clock on his nightstand rang out, the time glaring at him read 4:31. He reached across his bed and turned off the blaring noise. Trinity wasn’t awake yet. She wouldn’t be for another few hours. She knew he left earlier than her, she didn’t know however that he left this early. She would have his guts if she found out how much he was overworking himself to keep up his share of things. They’d grown close in the two months that he had been living with her. Dennis could never claim that he had a best friend before. He had friends, people that liked him, groups he hung around with at lunch and between classes. In fact he had been fairly popular in school, thanks in part to his older brothers and other circumstances, but he never really had someone he could confidently call a best friend. Now he could. He stretched his muscles as he stood up out of his bed. A few of his joints popped, a welcome stretch after being asleep all night. He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and let out a yawn, wandering into the adjoining bathroom to shower for the day.    

He should have been grateful for all he had. Two months ago Trinity Santos had given him a stable roof over his head, free of charge. He should have been grateful, but the kindness was eating him alive. He barely ate the groceries she bought for the two of them, content to smuggle home sandwiches from the hospital instead, despite the number of times she’d told him to eat. He just couldn’t bring himself to do it. Every time he opened the fridge he was presented with what he saw as ‘Trinity’s food’. None of it felt like it was meant for him. Anytime he ate anything it felt like stealing. It had gotten to the point where she had begun cooking two portions of food for herself just so that she could hand him the second plate, for fear of watching him starve to death if she didn’t. He had also felt guilty about that. He had wanted more than anything to be able to contribute. To be able to buy himself groceries, instead of eating Trinity’s. He wanted to be able to pay her, help her with even just the bills. That would mean getting a job though, and with fifty hour weeks working in the ED for his clinical rotation a job just wasn’t in the picture. No one would hire him with so little availability. He didn’t even have a car at the moment so he couldn’t resign himself to spending his evenings as a Doordash driver either.

A month ago though, something shifted in his life, a miracle presented itself just when everything else felt hopeless. A small advert pinned to a cork board in a coffee shop down the road from the hospital. It felt like a seismic shift in Dennis’ world.

’Stable hand needed. Casual hours, flexible. North Pittsburgh Stables’ The advert read, with a phone number attached to the bottom. Dennis grabbed the flyer and left the coffee shop with his and Trinity’s drinks in hand. He rang the stables that afternoon. He explained his situation. He was a med student, he worked twelve hour shifts, but he was willing to work mornings or evenings around his shifts, and he was willing to work on his off days. He explained his background, how he’d worked with horses his whole life. They offered him an interview for later in the week there and then.

Growing up on a farm meant that Dennis’ family owned horses. He’d been riding almost as long as he could walk. In high school he was a competitive barrel racer. It gave him a popularity he wouldn’t have had otherwise. He was small, scrawny, where his brothers were tall and stocky. In Nebraska barrel racing made him cool. If there was one thing Dennis Whitaker knew, it was horses. He knew horses better than he knew being a doctor. He was sure of himself there in a way he wasn’t yet within the hospital. Every stable worked slightly differently, but at their core they were all the same. It was a routine. One that Dennis had down to a T.

At 5am Dennis left his and Trinity’s apartment to get the bus up to North Pittsburgh Stables. As he boarded the bus he had a thermos in his hand and his backpack on his back. He wore jeans, his old beat up Ariat boots that his mother had bought him in high school, and the barn quarter zip he’d been given as part of his uniform. He had his scrubs and a change of shoes in his backpack so that he could go straight to the hospital from the barn. He watched out the window as the night began to shift from black to indigo, as the built up suburban area whittled out into empty expanses. He arrived at the yard at 5:30. He was greeted by two other stable hands who had arrived just before him.

”Morning Dennis.” The older of the two, Simon, smiled at him.

”Morning.” Dennis mumbled back. They opened up the barn, and Dennis got to work soaking the feed ready for the horses to come in. The other two stable hands headed out to the field, closing gates, and putting up lunge lines so that they could run the horses down to the barn. There were too many horses for the three of them to catch them all individually, so every morning they ran the whole herd down into the paddock outside the barn. Then they would bring them into the barn one by one and put them into their respective stalls. Dennis had to make sure the large bucket of soaked feed was ready before the horses came running down. He poked his head out of the barn doors, stuck his fingers in his mouth and gave a whistle. His signal to the other two that he was ready for them to turn the horses loose. He closed the barn doors behind him, lunge whip in one hand, a lead rope slung over his shoulder, and waited for the stampede.

North Pittsburgh Stables had twenty four horses, not including the ones on livery. Every morning Dennis had the job of making sure twenty four horses were in their stables and fed in the hour he had before he left for the hospital. He would only make $20 this morning, but everything counted. Plus the couple of full shifts he did manage to pick up a week really helped. The three of them made quick word getting all twenty four into the barn, and then Dennis began divvying out food. There was an old chalkboard in the feed room that told him which horses got what food, and who needed added supplements. He had a method for this. A stack of buckets in front of him, feed bags on either side of him, and the large bucket of soaked chaff behind him. He set to work adding each of the required feeds into each horse's food, passing the bucket to whoever was in front of him and telling them who it was for. Once all the feeds had been done they had the job of filling up hay nets and collecting feed buckets to be washed. Dennis never did the hay nets on mornings he had to go into the hospital. He didn’t want to risk going in covered in hay. Instead he collected the feed buckets to take outside to wash. The water from the hose pipe was freezing at this time of the year, Dennis’ hands would surely suffer for it, but the job had to be done. He sat on the small decking and scrubbed away at the buckets, watching the way his hands turned from red to purple with the cold.

Some time later he heard the crunching noise of tyres on gravel. The barn manager had arrived. He watched her pull into her parking space and get out of the car. Her arrival signified it was his time to leave.

”Morning Dennis.” She waved at him. “Almost 6:30. You’d better be getting off.”

”I was just about to leave. Gonna put these back then head off.” He smiled back at her.

”You’re in all day tomorrow aren’t you?”

”Yeah.” Dennis nodded.

”Then I will see you tomorrow. Go on, get out of here.” He grabbed the stack of buckets and took them back into the feed room, grabbing his backpack off the food box, and giving his favourite horse a quick scratch on the way out before leaving the yard.

It was almost methodical the way Dennis had planned his day out. He had his timings down to the minute. Barely a minute had passed before his bus back into the city was pulling up onto the curb to let him on. The journey to the hospital was shorter than the one up to the barn. The hospital was closer to the barn than their apartment was. Being one of the first stops on the route meant that Dennis always got a seat on the bus, he watched as it filled up the closer he got to the city. It was near enough light outside now. The soft orange of morning sun filtering through the windows around him, a far cry from the pitch black darkness he’d left in earlier that morning. He had to push past people standing in the aisle to get to the door once they reached the hospital, but he had long since stopped minding. It was 6:50 now. Ten minutes until his shift started. Just enough time to run to one of the bathroom stalls, change into his scrubs, and apply a hefty amount of deodorant to hopefully mask the smell of horses.

He emerged from the bathroom, appropriately dressed for the day, and made his way round to the lockers to discard his bag for the day.

”You left early again this morning.” Trinity raised an eyebrow at him from where she stood by her own locker.

”Oh, yeah. I went for a run and then came straight here.”

”Is that why you smell like a high school locker room?” Dennis gave his scrub shirt a quick sniff.

”Too much?”

”Way too much Huckleberry.” She chuckled. It was comfortable, the relationship they had now. Dennis understood that the teasing was harmless, and usually in his best interest. Even he had to laugh at the light ribbing he got from her.

”I will tone it down in future.” He clipped his badge onto his scrub top and closed his locker. “Come on, don’t want to be late.” He ushered for her to follow him. As they left the locker area Robby was just walking in.

”Morning, morning.” He smiled, giving each of them a greeting. Dennis liked that about him. He made sure to make everyone feel included.

”Morning.” They both responded in sync, earning a chuckle and shake of the head from Robby as he passed by them. Dennis looked towards the floor.

”Get that dopey look off your face, Huckleberry.” Trinity scolded him. She didn’t miss a trick.

”I do not have a dopey look on my face.” Dennis scoffed. He probably did, but he wasn’t about to give Trinity the satisfaction of knowing that.

”Oh you so do. It’s slightly disturbing honestly. He’s old enough to be your dad.”

”Trinity!” He squeaked out, causing Dana and Jack Abbot to look over at them. They’d made it to the central nursing station, thus ending their conversation. Dr Abbot simply raised an eyebrow in their direction and Trinity responded with a shrug. Dennis had his eyes firmly planted towards the floor, hoping his face wasn’t as red as it felt. So maybe not all of her taunting was completely harmless.

Chapter Text

“Michael, have you had a break since Adamson died?” Robby’s therapist throws the question out there. “Have you actually taken the time at all to grieve?” Robby thinks about it for a minute. The answer to the first half of that question was easy. The second half not so much. 

Robby had been going to therapy for a little bit over a month. After Jack’s suggestion, and his advocacy towards it, Robby thought that maybe it was time for him to talk about everything that had happened since the pandemic. He’d skimmed around the idea for a couple of weeks, not sure if it really was right for him. Then he had another conversation with Jack about it, this time over a couple beers not walking the precipice between life and death, and he’d decided to just bite the bullet. Jack gave him a few recommendations of people. Some that he’d seen and didn’t get along with, but thought they’d be great for Robby, some just recommendations he had from people he knew. It took some guts but finally Robby made that first appointment, and to his surprise he hit gold on the first try. His therapist was lovely. She was kind, and open, left room for Robby to think about the things he was saying as he said them. She was honestly perfect. Robby kind of wishes someone had forced him into therapy sooner.

”I took a month long sabbatical, the year after his death.” Robby answered definitively. Adamson had died at the height of the pandemic. People had been dying around them everyday. At the time there had barely been time to sleep, let alone grieve for his friend and mentor. They all just had to get on with it. Manage treatment and try to keep up with the flow of patients until the vaccines begun rolling out. It wasn’t until a year later, as the anniversary crept ever closer, did he even consider taking any time off for the grief.

”But did you grieve his death?” She asked the question again. It was no easier to think about the second time. Had he? He thought he had, but maybe if he had then he wouldn’t be here now.

”I, don’t know.” He answered honestly, shrugging his shoulders.

”That’s okay. It’s something to think about. We can come back to it.” His therapist reassured him. “How did you spend that sabbatical, if you don’t mind me asking?”

~~~

Robby wasn’t ever quite sure who had slipped the leaflet into his locker, his suspicion was on Kiara, but he never asked her so he had no proof. All he knew was that currently there was a leaflet sat in his locker for a trail riding holiday in the Catskills. The craziest part of it was, he was kind of considering it. The anniversary of Adamson’s death was nearing them, and as the date crept closer and closer Robby could feel the threads of his being beginning to unravel. There was no way he would be able to cope with being in the hospital around the anniversary. Maybe a break would do him good. Get out of the state for a while to take his mind off of everything that had happened. Would a horse riding holiday have been his first thought? No, but the opportunity had presented itself so it ought to be thought about.

It wouldn’t be running away from his problems, he convinced himself as he continued to work throughout the day. It would just be him putting some distance between himself and the place that had taken the most meaningful person from him. If he was running then he would have no intention of coming back. This would just be a holiday, and in all seriousness he did deserve one. Robby almost never used his PTO. Gloria was always nagging him about it, but he didn’t have any living family left that he was still in contact with. What would have been the point before then? Now he had a reason. This wasn’t running away. It wasn’t.

At the end of his shift he put the leaflet into his bag and took it home. He must have looked through it at least a dozen times, memorised each page before he plucked up the courage to actually go and look up their website. By midnight he had made up his mind, which was way too late at night to still be up making decisions considering he had to be up in six hours time. That being said the next morning he went to his higher ups and put in the request for a month’s sabbatical.

His PTO was approved. They had to. Gloria had actually come and asked him if this was some sort of joke when she saw the request in her inbox. He reassured her that it wasn’t, and by that afternoon his request had been granted. He went home that evening and began booking his trip. Even that alone had felt like a weight had been lifted off of his shoulder. A small weight, but a weight none the less.

~~~

“We don't have to discuss that today if you’re not ready to.” Robby’s therapist brought him back from the memory.

”Sorry. No, it’s okay. I took a trip up to the Catskills and went on a trail ride holiday.” Robby told her.

”Horse riding?”

”Yeah. We’d spend a few hours each day riding across the mountains, and then we would camp for the night. It was a week-long trip.”

”And did you enjoy that?”

”I actually did, yeah. I’d never ridden a horse before, which I know throwing myself in at the deep end, but I did really enjoy it. I found it really relaxing.”

”Interesting.” Robby gave her a look as though he wanted her to explain what was so interesting. “Would you ever be interested in riding again? I only ask because I know of a stable that's quite local to here, and they offer equine therapy sessions. It has proven benefits for PTSD, and if it’s something you’ve found has worked for you in the past then it’s an avenue we could look into.” 

Robby sat with that information for a moment. Was he interested in this? He thought back to how he felt up in the Catskills. It felt like the first time since Adamson’s death that he had been able to breathe. Robby had gone camping quite a few times as a kid, before he’d moved in with his grandmother. He was comfortable in the outdoors. In fact he’d go so far as to say he was more outdoorsy than the average person he knew. So maybe it was just the camping aspect that had calmed him. Perhaps it was just the distance he’d put between himself and the hospital? Or had it been something to do with the animals he was around. Robby wasn’t an idiot. He knew the benefits of support animals. He’d often joked to Jack that he should get a support dog, if his schedule wasn’t just as jam packed as his own. Maybe equine therapy could give him that support animal experience without the need to actually adopt an animal he wouldn’t have time for.

”I mean. I’m not, not interested.” He shrugged and let out a small chuckle.

~~~

So there he was. Two days later, on his day off from work, standing outside of North Pittsburgh Stables. The stable manager had invited him up there for a chat and a look around before he made up his mind on the sessions. Apparently they do this with everyone. They like to make sure their stables are a good fit before they book clients on. It was a good sign in Robby’s books. An establishment that takes the time to get to know somebody first instead of just sending them the billing invoice is always a good sign.

Robby was honestly surprised by the quick turn around. He’d emailed them that same night after his therapy appointment about possibly starting the equine therapy sessions, and by mid morning the next day they had responded and invited him up to come and chat with them in person. He’d informed them that his only available day that week was the next day, and they’d responded telling him that was no issue whatsoever. He was impressed. So here he was. His car parked in between a few others in what he assumed was their parking lot, although he couldn’t really tell where it began and ended.

He looked around a bit lost. Robby wasn’t sure if there was an office he should be looking for, or if he should just head straight into the barn and see if anybody is there. Then as though she appears from thin air a tall blonde woman was walking towards him.

”Hi. You must be Michael Robinavich. Nice to meet you.” She had a friendly smile. Robby smiles back at her.

”Please, everyone calls me Robby. You must be Isobel.”

”Izzy. Like I said, it's lovely to meet you. If you’d like, I can give you a tour around first. I’ll let you see the facilities, and then we can head over to my office and we can talk through the program.”

”Sound’s great.” Robby smiled. Izzy took off in the direction of the barn, letting Robby through the gate into the paddock surrounding the structure. “So we have this paddock in front of our barn. In the morning we turn the horses loose from the field and they run in here before they go into their stalls. It also gives us added security, should any of our horses ever escape then we know they can’t go anywhere.” She explained the set up as they walked into the barn. “We have twenty four lesson horses within the barn. We typically match riders to horses based on height, and skill level. Have you got any riding experience?”

”I did a trail holiday a few years ago, but I have never ridden outside of that.” Robby explained.

”Okay, that's fine. Do you know if you rode English or Western? I’d assume western but you never know.”

“I don’t know the difference, I’ll be honest.”

”Okay. Well, come into our tack room and I will show you.” Izzy shows Robby into a room to their left. Lining the walls are a range of saddles. “So on the left we have English saddles, and on the right we have western saddles. Western saddles are larger and have the horn at the front.”

”Oh, yeah. It was a western saddle.”

Izzy continued to show Robby around the barn, showing him the grooming tools they use and what each type of brush is used for. She also introduced him to some of the horses in their stalls. The place looked incredible. Airy and spacious. Robby didn’t know much about horses but they all seemed to be happy and content as well. It was checking every box for him. Once they’d gotten to the bottom of the barn she took him through another set of doors.

”This is our indoor arena. It’s the biggest of the three arenas we have, we use it year round and in all weather.” She told him as he looked around the open space. They made their way back out of the barn and Izzy took him round to their second arena.

”That is our second arena. It actually looks like someone is in a lesson at the minute so I will show you arena three instead. We have six CHA certified instructors within our team, and they all have additional equine therapy training. We also have five stable hands on staff who are always available to help you whilst you’re here.” She explained to him as they walked round to the other side of the barn. They rounded the corner and what came into view was someone in the middle of a smaller round paddock making a horse run around in circles. “Before we get to our last arena this is our round pen.” 

Robby’s eyes focused on the person within the round pen. There was no way. In the middle of the pen cracking, what looked like a whip behind the horse's legs to direct it in the direction he wanted it to run was Dennis Whitaker. He was wearing a tight t-shirt with the stables logo on his chest. It showed off the way his bicep flexed, and the muscles in his back moved, every time he cracked the whip. Tight jeans hugged his thighs, showing off all the muscles Robby wasn’t aware the kid possessed. Robby had never seen his med student look like this. He looked so in his element here. He wasn’t shy or meek the way he was in the hospital. The horse towered over him, but he was completely in control. Bouncing around the middle of the pen, a smile brandishing his face toothy and big. A simple flick of his wrist, and a click of his teeth, and the horse was spinning on a hairpin turn ready to begin running in the opposite direction. 

”He’s beautiful isn’t he?” Izzy smiled.

”Huh?” Robby looked over at her aghast that she would even insinuate such a thing.

”The horse. That’s Jasper. He’s new to us, only seven and a Friesian cross, that's why he's out here. Our stable hand Dennis is working with him to get him ready to be used.” She explained to him. “Dennis!” She shouted over to him and Robby had to stop himself from visibly cringing. “Bring Jasper over so our visitor can meet him.” Robby wanted to hide, he wanted to crawl inside himself and never come out. He saw when Dennis’ eyes landed on them, recognition settling in. The horse in front of him staring him down wondering why he’d stopped.

”Hey kid.” He called out awkwardly, still watching his med student, who now had an excitable horse nudging his chest with his nose. His reflexes took over and his hand came up to scratch the horse's nose.

”Dr Robby. Hi!” Dennis said breathlessly, still petting the horse.

”Just Robby kid. You don’t need to call me doctor outside of the hospital.” Robby reminded him.

”Oh! You know each other.” Izzy chirped in.

”Yeah. Robby is my attending whilst I’m on my ER rotation.” Dennis told her like it was the easiest thing in the world. Where on earth had the shy, quiet Dennis Whitaker gone, and who was this replacement standing in front of him?

Chapter Text

The tension in the air was thick when Dennis walked into the ED the next day. Or maybe it wasn’t. Maybe, once again he was just overthinking things. But he knew how Robby got, and he knew that this whole situation must have been incredibly awkward for him. He hadn’t known what to do when Robby had shown up at his barn. I mean what do you say in that situation?

’Oh, hey Dr Robby. You thinking about equine therapy? Yeah, you look like you need it. Great facility we’ve got here.’ No. There was no correct thing to say in that situation. Instead he had just smiled and said hi, hoping that the friendly greeting was sincere enough to not make things any more awkward than they already were.

Dennis kept his head down as he made his way over to the lockers. He spotted Robby out of the corner of his eye, doing handover with Dr Abbot as he passed the nurses station. He kept his eyes to the floor and continued past him, praying his attending wouldn’t strike up conversation. The whole thing had been eating away at him since he’d seen Robby’s car leave the parking lot, and he couldn’t talk to Trinity about it because the barn had a strict confidentiality rule. He couldn’t go home and rant about his day the way he normally would. 

Normally he would flop onto their couch in the living room, whilst she complained that he smelt like a barn, and tell her about the entitled rich kids who tried to use him as their own personal groom which is not his job. He couldn’t do that last night. Instead he came into their apartment and went straight to his room to jump into the shower.

”Finally! You got the hint and decided to shower first.” Trinity shouted through the wall when she heard the water turn on. Concern only set in when he wandered into the kitchen to make food, hair still damp, and didn’t begin offloading his day onto her.

”Are you not going to give me your woah is me soliloquy tonight huckleberry? Come on, I’m ready for it. Tell me how the PT moms screamed animal abuse at you for making sure their horses had their dewormer.” A smile cracked at the edge of Dennis’ mouth. He loved that she was starting to retain some of the knowledge he imparted on her about this stuff. Still he didn’t fold.

”Nothing really happened. It was a quiet day today.” Trinity wasn’t convinced though.

”Huckleberry.” She dragged the word out. “Spill. Who do I have to fight?”

”No one.” And then he looked her in the eyes. “I promise.”

”Fine. But you’re watching The Bachelor with me.” She conceded. He kind of loved her for that. She was ready to kill for him, but would always let him fight his own battles when he wanted to. She had no idea about the emotional turmoil going on right now.

~~~

Once rounds were complete Dennis got to work helping Mel with chairs. He didn’t do it on purpose. In fact he was planning about fifty other ways of avoiding his attending this morning, but Mel had grabbed him and told him he was on chairs with her. So who was he to give up this prime opportunity to spend a few hours out of Robby’s line of sight?

Dennis really liked Mel, he’d come to realise. They were incredibly similar in a lot of ways. When he finished out his final year of med school he wanted to become a lot like Mel. The way that she was with patients, and how she vouched for herself and her reasonings in regards to patient care. It was a quality Dennis wanted to develop. So because of that he had no reason to complain about being here with her.

They joked and giggled as they went from patient to patient, taking minor injuries and illnesses patients should have definitely just gone to the doctors for. It was nice. Dennis liked this pace, and he liked the quick turn around between cases. The mental toll was a lot lower on chairs as well. Unlike his first day, when his patient died, there was very little risk of serious complications here. Over the two months he had been on his ER rotation Dennis had gotten better at handling death. It still never sat easy with him, but he never wanted it to. He couldn’t imagine a world in which someone’s death didn’t affect him. That being said though, he was getting better at handling it. He was a far cry from the scared med student he had been on that first day. He was a long way off from being a doctor in his own mind. He still fumbled over diagnoses, still unsure of his own knowledge, and waited for somebody else to take the lead. That was okay though, he knew going into it that he was never going to be one of those cocky head strong doctors who plowed ahead. He was happy to follow the herd.

~~~

All too soon though, his and Mel’s stint on chairs came to an end. Someone else took over from them and they were resigned to being back in ‘the pitt’. Dennis couldn’t dwell on it though, there was too much that needed to be done so he would just have to get on with it. He did take a quick moment to go to his locker however so that he could grab a drink before he really got stuck in.

”Out with it. Why are you avoiding him?” Santos snuck up on him by his locker. He hated when she did this. Began in the middle of a conversation and got annoyed when he had no clue what she was on about.

”Who?” He gulped down water from his water bottle.

”Ugh! Robby.” There was the annoyance. He tried not to roll his eyes.

”I’ve been on chairs all morning, I’m not avoiding him.”

”I saw you come in this morning. If your face was any closer to the ground you’d have been kissing it. Spill. What happened to your little crush?” Dennis closed his locker just a fraction too loudly and pulled Trinity by her wrist further down the corridor.

”I do not have a crush on him.” He hissed.

”Come on Huckleberry, you can be real with me. I just want to help.” She smirked. She’d been going on about it for weeks, thinking she’d uncovered some dark secret he had. She hadn’t uncovered anything, because there was nothing to uncover.

”Jesus Christ! Can you hear yourself? I don’t know what you think you’ve seen, or what pieces of a puzzle you’re trying to jam together, but; and listen to me when I say this. I do not have a crush on him.” Dennis ranted, enunciating every word of his last sentence. With that he stalked off towards the nurses station. He needed to get back to work.

An incoming trauma kept Robby busy for the next hour. It was edging closer to noon before he so much as stepped out of Trauma 2. Dennis wasn’t sure which divine being was watching over him currently, but he would surely thank them all when this day was over. He continued to zip about between patients, going to Dr Collins or Samira to present his cases. It wasn’t intentional. He reasoned with himself. Well not completely at least. Besides, who knows? Maybe Robby was avoiding him too. Maybe they’d spend the rest of the day like two magnets, both with north facing each other, one always repelling the other.

~~~

“Hey Whitaker.” The familiar clamp of fingers on his shoulder came suddenly. He knew it was too good to be true. There was no way this wasn’t going to happen. In fact it should have been considered a miracle that he’d made it almost five hours into his shift without this happening already. “What are you working on?” Robby asked, his hand still on Dennis’ shoulder near enough guiding him through the corridors of the ER.

”I have a kid in south 19 with respiratory distress. I was thinking asthma attack. There’s no history but it could have been the kids first asthma attack. Dr Collins agreed so we did a peak flow test to confirm and I am about to administer Albuterol via nebuliser.” Dennis rattled off his treatment plan.

”Good, good, and what about follow up?”

”I will do a repeat peak flow test after administering the Albuterol to make sure the reading has come back up to the green zone.” Robby nodded along to what his med student was saying.

”Sound’s good. Hey, look, about yesterd-“

”Robby, GSW two minutes out. Trauma one is open.” Dana shouted across the floor to him. Robby sighed and tipped his head forward, almost enough to rest on the back of Dennis’ own.

”Okay, on my way.” He shouted back to Dana. He let go of Dennis’ shoulder. “Come join us in Trauma one once you’re finished.” He smiled and turned around to head to the trauma bay. Dennis looked up to the ceiling and closed his eyes momentarily. Thank you divine being.

They did not have any time to talk during the trauma call, which was a blessing. Plus Dennis assumed his attending did not want to discuss this with multiple nurses, surgeons, and residents in attendance. At one point Trinity looked over at him from where she was currently bagging the patient to give him a pointed look. He gave her a smug smirk back, as if to say, ‘see. Told you I wasn’t avoiding him.’ He got a roll of the eyes in response. Once the call was over and the patient safely off to surgery Dennis scurried out of the room with a faint shout about needing to check on, and discharge, his asthma kid. Nothing untoward there. Everyone else was also filing out to check on their other patients as well. It had nothing at all to do with delaying the inevitable by making sure he wasn’t left alone in a room with Robby, who he had noticed was hanging back.

~~~

At long last though the time came. At 2:37 to be exact. Dennis had just finished with a patient and was heading back to the nursing station when he ran almost headlong into Robby, who was exiting the bathroom.

”Whitaker. Just the person I’ve been meaning to talk to.” He dropped both his hands down on Dennis’ shoulders and gave a small squeeze before releasing him. “So, about yesterday.”

”Dr Robby, we have a strict confidentiality code at NPS if that’s what you’re concerned about.”

”No, no. Not at all. Well, I mean yes, that too. I more so wanted to pick your brain about it.” He chuckled, and oh. That was not where Dennis thought this conversation was going.

”Oh, okay. Yeah, what do you want to know?”

”Obviously I was given the tour around and the shiny sales pitch, but truthfully what is the place like?”

”I mean I’ve only worked there a month so I don’t know how helpful I can be, but honestly? It’s a good place. They work with a wide variety of people. People with trauma, developmental delays, veterans, the works, and they are good with everybody. You can tell they’ve put the effort in not just haphazardly slapped a program together for profit. The whole thing has been Izzy’s passion project. Her brother has Down’s syndrome, that's what they first catered to, and over the years they’ve expanded to include everything else.” Dennis told him, smiling thinking about the place he loves so much. “She won’t mind me telling you that, she’ll probably tell you herself soon enough, she loves talking about Andy. But, yeah. If you’re still on the fence about it then you should definitely give it a go. I’ve seen how much it can help.” He paused for a moment, not wanting to overstep the mark. “And if you’re uncomfortable with me being there since you know me then I can get my shifts swapped around so that I’m not working when you come in.”

”Oh, no. I don’t mind you being there. It was a surprise I’ll give you that, but I’ve got no issues with it. Just, don’t laugh at me if I fall off.”

”Deal, Dr Robby.” Dennis smiled.

Chapter Text

It was Sunday morning, Robby’s day off, and his first session with North Pittsburgh Stables. He’d signed himself up for two sessions a week, and now as he drove up to the barn he wondered what he was getting himself in for.

He wondered if Whitaker would be there. He hedged his bets that he would, considering the kid was also off shift today. He still couldn’t believe the stark contrast between the man he knew at the hospital and the stable hand who worked there. They were like two completely different people. If Whitaker had announced that actually he had a secret twin brother Robby would have sooner believed it. The Whitaker he knew was nervous, and liked to blend into the shadows. He didn’t like to tread on people's toes, or stand out in a crowd. He was an observer. From what he’d seen only a few days ago, the Dennis Whitaker who worked here was the complete opposite. That Whitaker couldn’t have been any less shy. He was confident in himself, in a way that Robby had never seen before in his med student.

~~~

Robby realised he had been driving on autopilot and focused his gaze back onto the road. He made the sharp corner onto the stable property, asphalt turning into gravel under wheel, and slowed the car down to 15 mph. The sign at the turn told him to do so, and Robby was strict about enforcing that so as not to spook any horses who may be leaving or returning from a hack. The driveway was long, stretched out by the slow speed limit, so Robby took his time to take in his surroundings. To his right was a long field that ran alongside the road. The ground was flat and even. It was as he was observing the view that he saw the large black horse advance towards him in the field. At first the horse was only visible in his rear view mirror, and then suddenly it was beside him, with none other than Dennis Whitaker on its back. Whitaker wore his usual— was it usual? He’d only seen him here one other time— outfit. A pair of well fitted jeans, and his work t-shirt. Only this time the outfit came accompanied with a cowboy hat. Robby almost scoffed at the absurdity of it. The kid actually wore a cowboy hat? Not ironically, not as some sort of joke. He really wore a cowboy hat. The horse, presumably Jasper as that was who Whitaker had been working on the last time Robby was here, sped ahead of his car. Robby was almost in the parking lot now.

He pulled up next to a large 4x4 and put his car into park. From where he was sat he could see someone, another stable hand presumably, open the paddock gate to let Whitaker and Jasper walk in. As Robby exited his car Whitaker jumped down off the horse's back. He hung back for a moment, just watching the scene unfold. The wind was blowing in his direction which made it easier for him to hear what was happening. A gaggle of small girls ran towards Dennis, they could be no older than about 10 or 11.

”Be careful.” Whitaker scolded them through a smile. “What have I told you about not running near Jasper? He’s still young and a bit green. We don’t want to spook him.”

”We watched you galloping back Denny. You looked so cool!” One of the girls, who was currently clinging to his waist, exclaimed.

”Oh yeah? If I’d have known my fan club was watching I’d have done a few tricks, really shown off for you.” Whitaker chuckled, flicking the end of the girl's nose. Robby couldn’t believe his eyes. His med student was cocky.

”Denny, can I wear your hat?” A second girl asked him, batting her eyelashes up at him.

”You can’t take a cowboys hat!” He gasped in mock disgust.

”Why not?” The girl asked.

”A cowboy’s hat is a part of him. It’s like asking a man for his shoes. You wouldn’t ask if you can wear my shoes would ya?”

”Can I wear your shoes?” The first girl, still tucked under Whitaker’s arm, asked.

”No.” He said with certainty. “Go on, go get your horses ready. I know you have a lesson in five minutes and I don’t want to get the blame if you’re late.” He laughed and the three girls scurried off.

”Morning.” Robby smiled, as he entered the paddock outside the barn. “Who were your fan club?” He nodded in the direction the little girls ran off in.

”They call themselves The Pony Club. Ashley, Katie, and Claire. They’re cute kids.” Whitaker smiled at him. He took his hat off and ruffled a hand through his hair before placing it back on his head. Jasper just stood there, content as anything to wait before going back inside.

”It looks like they have a bit of a crush on you kid.” Robby chuckled, trying to lighten the mood. He felt mildly awkward, was this awkward?

”Oh, I know.” He sighed. “They’re going to be devastated in a couple of years when they find out I’m gay.” And oh. Once again Whitaker had said something that completely threw Robby for a loop. Who was this kid? The Whitaker Robby knew would have never said something so brazen. He’d have thought about it for maybe five minutes and then mumbled the response after far too long of a pause. It would have been stilted and awkward, he’d have stumbled over his words, put his head down in shame as he wondered if he’d said the wrong thing. This Whitaker just laughed through the response, not a care in the world. “I should get him inside and untacked. Enjoy your session Robby.” He gave Robby a tip of his hat, didn’t cringe as he did it, just tipped his hat at him and led Jasper back into the barn by his reins.

~~~

During his tour around the barn a few days ago Izzy had shown Robby how to groom and tack his horse. He thought he’d understood what he was doing, but now as he stood next to his assigned horse Blaze he was stumped. He’d managed to get through the brushing process just fine. That bit was easy. Curry comb first, then a hard brush, followed by the soft brush. It was the hoof picking he was struggling with.

”Come on.” He grumbled. The horse still would not budge. No matter how he ran his hand down the horse's legs, or tugged at the feathers, this horse would not pick his feet up.

”Heads up.” He heard Whitaker shout from further down the barn, then heard the soft thud of a hay bail falling from height. Whitaker must be up in the hay loft, Robby concluded.

”Whitaker!” Robby shouted out of the stall, he looked up expectantly at the hayloft above. Whitaker popped his head over the rail scanning across the aisle until he found the source of the noise.

”What’dya need, man?” He smiled lazily. There it was again. In no known universe would Dennis Whitaker refer to anyone as ‘man’. Yet here he was. The term slipped over his tongue like it was the most natural thing in the world.

”Oh, um. I.” He chuckled slightly and shook his head, slightly embarrassed at having to ask his med student, somebody half his age, for help. “I can’t get him to pick his hooves up for me. Could you give me a hand if you’re free?”

”Yeah, no problem. I’ll be down in a second.” Whitaker disappeared back into the hayloft. Robby heard him as he walked the length of the floor and came down the stairs into the aisle. He joined Robby in the stall and held out an expectant hand for the hoof pick. Robby handed it over. He watched with curiosity as Whitaker ran a hand down Blaze’s leg, giving a small squeeze at parts and tugging at the feathers.

”Come on tuts, give us your tuts.” He mumbled. Robby let out a snort. The horse did as he was told though. Just like that Whitaker had the horse's hoof in his hand. “Easy peezie. Just like that.” He began scrapping out the muck and droppings. “You know what you're doing with picking feet right? Which parts to stay away from?”

”Give me a quick run through again. Just to be sure.”

”Okay, so this part you want to stay away from.” He motioned over the triangle in the middle of the horse’s hoof with the pick. “This is the frog. Whole load of nerve endings there, so it’s super sensitive. You can brush over it with the brush through.” Whitaker spun the pick around to the side with the small bush and did just as he’d mentioned. “You want to make sure you get everything out of the two valleys either side of the frog through, and then give a quick once over under the shoe. Make sure there’s no stones under there. Your turn now. You want to run your hand down the leg, Blaze is a stubborn old man so we won’t give it to you easily, give a little squeeze on the tendons as you do. When you get to the bottom little tugs at the feathers and catch when he picks it up. If he still won't go, push your shoulder into his leg. It will force his weight over to his other foot and that should work.”

”How long have you been doing this?” Robby asked, they’d moved on to tacking up now.

”Working here? Only a month.” Whitaker shrugged.

”No, working with horses I mean.”

”Oh. My whole life pretty much. Move your saddle pad up a little bit, it should sit just on top of the withers.” He pointed out nodding at where the saddle pad had slipped back down Blaze’s back.

”Oh, thanks. You’re whole life, really?”

”Yeah. My family own a farm, so they have horses. Started putting me on them when I was maybe 4 or 5.”

”Wow. So that’s, what, 20 years?”

”Give or take, yeah. Bring the stirrup up onto the seat. It stops it getting caught underneath itself when you put the saddle on.” Robby followed his instructions and placed the saddle on top of the saddle pad. Whitaker shifted it slightly so it was positioned correctly.

”Where are you from? I don’t think I’ve ever asked before?”

”Broken Bow, Nebraska. It’s a little further west of Omaha.”

”So you’re a proper country boy then? Is that why you wear the cowboy hat?”

”Oh, no.” Whitaker chuckled, head downturning slightly. There he was. There’s the Whitaker Robby knew. “I mostly just do that for the kids. Plus I can blame plausible deniability with Izzy.”

”Explain?”

”Izzy’s really big on safety. Making sure you always wear a helmet. Where I’m from no one ever did, so I find them uncomfortable.” Robby raised an eyebrow at him. “I know, I know. As a med student I am very aware of the risks from not wearing a helmet, but, I don’t know. I find them uncomfortable. I’m not used to wearing one I guess.”

”Can you show me the knot again? I’ve forgotten how to do it.” Robby was holding the end of the cinch in bemusement.

”Here. Feed it through twice. Put it through the D-ring like a seven. Yep, like that. Cross it over itself so it looks like a four, then tuck it up the back, and pull it through like a tie. There you go.” He walked him through the steps the same way he would with a child. It should have been condescending, but Robby believed this kid didn’t have a malicious bone in his body.

”Thanks for the help, kid.”

”Anytime.”

~~~

Robby’s first lesson went about as well as you could expect for a first lesson. He spent the time given to him at a walk. He was taught how to start and stop. The correct way to hold the reins. He was shown how to get the horse to turn. They did a lot of, what they referred to as, leg work. Using his thighs and calves to indicate when to speed up, or to push the horse in the direction he wanted to go. It was a workout all on its own. No wonder the kid was in such good shape.

”Keep your heels down Robby.” Whitaker shouted from the fence line as he walked past with a wheelbarrow.

”I’m trying, kid.” He laughed. He wasn’t terrible, but horse riding was a skill in and of itself. He knew he wasn’t going to get on and just be a pro at it. He also quickly realised how well the horses on the trail knew the route he was taking. He hadn’t realised, but last time he was on a horse he had essentially just sat there the entire time. Now he was actually riding. Putting the work in. He understood now why this was used as a therapy method. It took all of his concentration, he couldn’t let his mind wander. He also had to keep his emotions in check. When he started to get frustrated that he couldn’t do something, the horse would too, and it made everything ten times harder. It was fascinating really. The way these animals were so in tune with us.

Robby left the barn with a new sense of purpose. It was the first time in years that he had truly felt calm. There were no lingering thoughts, or unwanted memories invading his mind. He was just there, in the moment. It felt like a revelation to him. Who knew that these animals could help so much? He was aching all over, but in a good way. In the way you knew you’d done something right. He was rebuilding himself and the aches in his bones was evidence of that.

Chapter Text

It was weird. It was weird seeing his boss outside of work. It was weird being able to have a conversation with him that wasn’t about a patient or the hospital. Mostly it was just weird because none of it felt weird. Dennis felt like he could be real at the barn. Not that he wasn’t being himself at the hospital per say, but at the barn he was so much more relaxed. He wasn’t constantly over thinking his every action, people's lives weren’t at stake if he messed up. He was so much more free on that stable yard. The place was a breath of fresh air, a comfort he hadn’t known he was missing until he stepped foot onto the property.

Dennis hadn’t felt homesick when he left Nebraska. He’d spent years dreaming of one day getting out and moving away. Nebraska was complicated. His family loved him, he wasn’t abused or severely neglected, but it was complicated. So he hadn’t felt homesick when he moved to Pittsburgh, but four years later, stepping onto that stable yard for the first time. It felt like coming home. This was where he would always feel the most comfortable. Sure, maybe years from now he would feel at ease in the hospital in the same way that Dr Collins, or Langdon did. He would have that steady demeanour about him that came from years of training. He wouldn’t second guess himself or shy away from procedures. But here, at the barn? This would always feel like home. A security that came from decades of work and hours upon hours of honing his trade.

Izzy had been reluctant to hire him at first. Sure, she’d advertised for casual work, but a med student who spent more hours at the hospital than in his own home was taking it a bit far. Nevertheless she brought him in for an interview and let him do a trial shift on one of his days off. He was point perfect. She couldn’t find fault with him. He was quick, efficient, and had an ease around the horses that only came from spending years around them. Aaron, one of her instructors, was in the arena with Jasper. A 16 hand Friesian cross they’d just bought a week ago.

”You need a harder bit for him.” Dennis said, nodding at the way the horse was pulling forward and into the middle of the arena. He’d looked at the horse for all of two seconds and figured that out.

”We’re testing him on a couple of different bits at the moment.” She explained.

”How old is he? He still looks quite young.”

”He’s seven, but he was backed pretty late.”

”Hmm.” He mused. “I helped produce a few young horses when I used to hang around the rodeo circuit. I still remember a thing or two, if you want any help?” Izzy had no choice but to hire him, crappy flexibility aside. In the month following he became an asset to the team. He was loved by the kids, and as promised helped to bring Jasper on in leaps and bounds.

~~~

It was Wednesday, which meant that Robby would be arriving later for his session. Dennis knew that because he’d taken a peak at the session lists to see when his boss would be in. He was surprised to see that Robby was doing two sessions a week, but really with what he’d seen of Robby firsthand during the Pittfest incident was it actually that big of a surprise? Dennis wasn’t sure why he’d gone snooping. He had a morbid curiosity to know how often he’d be on shift when Robby was here. The answer was quite frequently. Dennis liked the change of pace. For once it was Robby asking him for help, he who was imparting wisdom onto his boss. He liked that. He liked being useful, and in a weird way he liked being able to prove he was competent. Even if he still struggled within the ED, if the workload still felt overwhelming, if he still doubted his own skills, he could prove himself here. He could show this side of him as a silent, ‘look. I can do it. Look at what I can do if you just give me the time to learn.’

Dennis was poo-picking the arena when Robby’s car pulled in. It wasn’t a necessary job, they normally just harrowed the arenas, but Dennis took comfort in the menial repetitive task. He had some time to kill before the afternoon hay nets needed to be replaced, and none of the horses needed to go out to the fields yet, so instead he took the time to give the arena a proper going over. He looked up when he heard the familiar crunching of gravel under wheel and stopped what he was doing, leaning against his fork whilst he waited for Robby to get out of the car.

”Afternoon.” He called out. Robby hadn't seen him yet, his head turned towards him as he heard the shout.

”Do you ever go home kid?” Robby chuckled.

”No. I live in the hayloft with the cats.” He joked. Robby shook his head at that, he didn’t know that Dennis had at one point considered the idea should Trinity ever decide to kick him out.

The days were getting chillier as they crept towards winter. Dennis stopped by the gate with the wheelbarrow and threw on his uniform quarter zip. He took the wheelbarrow around to the muck heap before heading back to the barn. He discarded the wheelbarrow and began making his way through the stalls collecting hay nets to fill up. Further down the aisle he could hear Robby talking to Blaze. Dennis couldn’t help the chuckle that escaped his lips.

”I hope you’re not laughing at me kid.” Robby’s voice filtered through the aisle.

”No, not at all. Don’t worry, we all do it.” Dennis smiled, he came to stand in the doorway of Blaze’s stall. The horse was tied up against the wall so there was no fear of him going anywhere. Dennis crossed his arms and lent against the doorframe. “How did your last lesson go anyway?” He struck up conversation.

”I never realised how much work you had to put in. My legs felt like jelly for the next 24 hours.”

”Oh yeah, there’s a big difference between riding a horse, and sitting there whilst it takes you for a ride.” Dennis chuckled. “You get used to it though, it stops aching so much after a while.”

”That’s easy for you to say, you’ve got the muscle for it.” Dennis noticed the way Robby’s eyes glanced down to his thighs. The jeans he was wearing hugged them well. It made his stomach flip a little bit, it always did when his mentor gave him a compliment. “I’ve got old joints. They’ve gone stiff.” He laughed. Dennis liked seeing his boss like this. Light, relaxed, able to joke. That’s what this place did. It helped. Dennis knew that the first time he came here.

”Oh, you’re still in your prime. Don’t sell yourself short.” Robby just scoffed at him, as though he believed he already had one foot in the grave.

”Are you not meant to be working with your horse? What’s his name, Jasper?” Robby tried to change the conversation.

”He’s not my horse. I’m just helping produce him.” Robby frowned and shook his head in a way that said he had no idea what Dennis meant. “I’m training him up. He’s not ready to be a lesson horse yet so I’m teaching him how to be.”

”Do you have a horse? Or do you have any back home?”

”I did, back home. His name was Chilli. One of our mares had a foal when I was six. My mom told me to be careful trying to pet him because his mom was quite spicy, so I decided that meant his name should be Chilli. He was the first horse I helped to train. I don’t have a horse out here though, I am way too strapped for cash for that. I have told Izzy if she ever decides to sell Mickey then I will take out whatever loans I need to to buy him though.” Dennis laughed.

”Which one’s Mickey?” Robby asked.

”Come on, I'll show you.” Dennis led the way down the aisle, almost to the end. In the stall third from the end, on the right hand side was a black blanket Appaloosa. He was 15.3 hands tall, and had the sweetest temperament of any horse Dennis had ever met. As soon as they came over Mickey stuck his head over the half door for a cuddle.

”He’s beautiful.” Robby mused, petting the horse's nose. Mickey had his head on Dennis’ shoulder whilst Dennis stroked his neck.

”He is. He’s the sweetest thing as well. He’ll follow me around a field all day long. Incredibly western as well. Definitely a rodeo horse before he came here, or was well on his way to being one. He has the training for it.” Dennis picked his head up, making Mickey move backwards, and checked his watch. ”Sorry, I’m keeping you. Your lessons soon, and I’ve got to finish these hay nets.”

~~~

One of the biggest jobs of the afternoon was taking all the horses out to their fields for the night. It wasn’t quite cold enough to keep them in yet. They were still a few weeks off from that, but they all went out in heavy rugs. So now that all the hay nets had been filled, and the afternoon feeds had been given out, it was time to start rugging and taking the horses out to the field. Dennis usually had some help with this, but one of the fences had come down in the field so what was usually a two or even three man job was now being done by Dennis alone. He didn’t mind though, he’d done harder work back home, and he could take multiple horses in one trip.

Robby’s lesson was in arena two today, which meant Dennis would be going back and forth by said arena to take the horses out. He made quick work putting everyone’s rugs on, and grabbed the first three. Jasper, Mickey, and a chestnut named Prince who was more leg than horse. He had Mickey and Prince in one hand, and Jasper in the other. With anybody else he probably could have taken another one, but Jasper could be a bit of a handful and he wanted to make sure he had full control of him, so he stuck to the three he currently had and didn’t hedge his bets. He made his way out of the paddock and up towards arena two that ran alongside the field. The gate was up at the top end of the field, it was a bit of a design flaw, but it never bothered Dennis too much. 

Dennis saw the way that Robby’s eyes flitted over to him as he walked the length of the arena towards the gate. It was always amusing seeing the things that non horse people found cool. Dennis had been taking out 3,4,5 horses at a time since he was 13. In his mind it was no harder controlling four horses than it was one, but to people who didn’t know horses it looked like showing off. He was maybe half way up the path, Robby was walking round the arena on the right rail meaning he was riding in the same direction that Dennis was walking, when Jasper decided to rear up. It was nothing disastrous, the horse was just excited by Blaze in the arena and wanted to say hello. Robby looked over at Dennis to see what the commotion was.

”Looking forward Robby.” Heather, another one of their instructors, scolded him. “Focus on what you’re doing, not what’s going on over there.” Dennis gave a small, sharp, tug on the lead rope. Nothing big enough to actually hurt Jasper, but enough force to get him back down onto four legs and put the young horse in his place.

”Jasper.” Dennis hissed. Robby was coming up alongside him now. “Behave. You’re showing me up in front of my boss.” He huffed. From beside him he heard Robby chuckle. Dennis turned back around and carried on towards the field, utterly mortified. Great, Robby was going to think he was trying to show off.

~~~

Dennis arrived back at Trinity's apartment a little after eight. He plonked himself down next to her, on the couch, in front of the TV.

“Please go and shower, you stink.” Trinity begged him. “You have hay in your hair!”

”Let me sit down for a minute, I’m tired.” He whined cuddling into Trinity’s side, wrapping his arms around her waist.

”Get off me Huckleberry! You stink. You’ve just been sitting on a bus for the last thirty minutes, you can’t be that tired.”

”It wasn’t long enough.” He mused, still clinging to his best friend. “Jasper showed me up at work today. He decided to rear up when I was taking him out to the field. A new client saw me from the arena and laughed at me. I’m pretty sure he thinks I’m stupid now.”

”He must be new if he doesn’t already know that about you.” She rolled her eyes.

”Why do you hate me?”

”Because you smell like horse manure. Go shower.” Dennis huffed and got off the couch, sulking as he made his way through into his bathroom. He couldn’t tell Trinity that the client was Robby, confidentiality and all that, but he was going to complain none the less. He didn’t need to say any names.

Chapter Text

Both Robby and Whitaker were in the hospital that Saturday. Robby had a disdain for Saturdays. They were busy and loud, and overall not a pleasant day to work. You had the backlog of overnight patients who had done something stupid on their Friday night bender. People coming in with ailments they definitely should have had checked out earlier but couldn’t because they quote, ‘had no time’. Along with the slog of people who thought ‘it would be quicker to come here than try to get an appointment with their doctor’. So yeah, Saturdays weren’t exactly Robby’s favourite day. However, over the past week or so he’d found them getting easier. His head didn’t feel like it was going to explode before noon, and he could keep his stress in check at least until the mid afternoon. Things were definitely getting easier.

He arrived at the hospital a little before seven, ready to take over from Jack. God only knows what had gone down during the night. His closest friend was leant over the nurses station, inputting something onto the computer. Jack never sat down, Robby noticed it years ago, unless he knew there was a long stretch of quiet coming he wouldn’t sit down. Something about no point sitting just to get back up again. Robby wondered what that did to his leg but he never dared to ask. He didn’t want to be insensitive. He had been there when Jack first joined the ER. Had seen the way he would push himself beyond the limit on an amputation that was less than a year old. He’d gotten better at managing it, knew now when to take breaks, was less snappy if somebody gave him a second glance. But he knew it would always be somewhat of a sore spot, and Robby never wanted to push his luck. Even if he was just trying to help.

”Morning Jack.” Robby smiled, he threw his backpack under the desk. If anybody else had done it he’d have told them off. Told them not to leave their stuff lying around and to go put it in their locker. But Robby was the attending. Nobody could tell him off, except maybe Dana, and he’d earned the right to leave his stuff wherever he chose.

”You look chipper this morning.” Jack raised an eyebrow at him.

”What? Is a man not allowed to be happy every now and again?” Robby shrugged.

”It’s a good look on you brother. I’m off tonight if you wanna grab a beer after your shift?”

”Sounds good. The usual spot?”

”I’ll meet you there.”

~~~

Robby had his routines around the hospital. He had an order to things, and a way he liked them to be done. In saying that, there were some days when his need to control everything got a little bit stronger. Today, a Saturday, when things were likely to get out of hand was one of those days. So he hovered more. He made sure his staff stayed at the pace he wanted them to be at, and in Whitaker's case he moved him around more. 

It had taken Robby less than half a shift with the kid to realise how pliant he was. He was able to come up behind him and guide him gently through the hallways towards a new patient, or over to the nurses station to make sure he was discharging people before he took on a new case. Whitaker was easy to move around, in a way most of his other residents weren’t. He’d tried to do it with Langdon when he first arrived but had been shrugged off too many times to keep it up, he knew when to take a hint. Samira let him for a while but once she moved on to her second year she felt she’d outgrown the fatherly guide he provided so he backed off then too. He never tried with McKay. She wasn’t naive and lost like so many residents were when they began. She was confident in herself. A confidence that only came from maturity. Whitaker on the other hand seemed content to let him initiate these friendly touches. He never flinched, or shrugged him off, never once did he give him that look as if to ask what he was doing? He just let him do it. Seemed content to be guided around the Pitt like a scruffed puppy.

Now though, Robby’s touches had changed. Not by a lot, he was still offering a supportive gesture, but beneath the guiding hand was something else. Robby wanted to feel the expanse of muscle beneath his med students scrubs. Not in a weird way. It was nothing untoward. He just had to know for certain that this was the same man he had seen outside of the hospital. He had to know that the med student standing before him was the same person he had seen only days earlier controlling and scolding a horse eight times his size through sheer force alone.

So he touched. No different to how he normally would. A squeeze of the shoulder as a well done, a hand between shoulder blades to guide him through the hall, a grip on each arm to keep him by the nurses station and remind him to drink whilst he was by his water bottle. Except each touch was laced with a curiosity. Every place he touched he felt to make sure the muscle was there. It was. It was fascinating to him, like a puzzle he couldn’t quite put together. The kid wasn’t drowning in his scrubs, but the simple material managed to hide everything so well. In his uniform he looked scrawny, but then Robby touched. He felt the muscle just beneath the surface, and he knew. The man he’d laughed with, joked with at the barn, really was the same person as his med student.

~~~

It had only been a week since Robby began going up to the stable, but even in that short amount of time he had begun to notice a change. He was less stressed out at work for one. The work he had done with his riding had given him ways to better control his emotions, he was able to center himself better now. He wasn’t cured by any means, but the small things that normally would have sent him spiraling no longer had so much of an effect. The people around him had noticed the change as well.

”You know he hasn’t been on my back about going quicker recently.” He overhears Samira saying. He was standing at the nurses station, she hadn’t seen him as she walked through with Mel.

”Maybe you’ve gotten quicker?” Mel reasoned.

”Maybe. I don’t feel like I have.” Then they disappeared down the corridor. Overall he felt lighter. No longer did he feel like his chest contracted every time he walked through those doors.

The sterile air around him felt lighter, the smell wasn’t so pungent. They were both signs that he was more relaxed. His body was no longer permanently stuck in fight or flight, and that helped to dull his senses. He walked around the ER with a new air about him. As he passed from patient to patients, checking in with his residents and their work, the days felt easier. 

He remembered a time before Adamson died, before Pittfest happened, and he wondered if this is what life had been like back then. No, he concluded. Not quite, not yet. Before then he had been blessed with the naivety that came from not experiencing loss. He’d lost his parents at a young age, so he was too young to really comprehend it, and he hadn’t been there when his grandmother died, so whilst it hurt he only ever saw the aftermath. Adamson was the first person he had lost up close. There was something to that that never left you. He would never go back to being the person he was before that, but he was making good progress to become something else. Someone who could manage the pain. Someone who wasn't drowning in it.

~~~

Robby keeps a close watch over Whitaker all day. Not because he thinks he needs watching, his confidence has improved ten fold since his first shift. He just wants to see if the Whitaker Robby knows outside of the hospital creeps through at all. He wants to see if he’s just been painfully oblivious to his med student, or if he truly was as different as he suspected.

The thing is, he was. Whitaker walked around with his head down and his shoulders hunched. The only time he stood up straight was when Robby clasped a hand to his shoulder. His voice was noticeably quieter. It was as though in the hospital he was trying to melt into the walls. He had a commandeering nature at the barn, walking around with an air of ease and comfort. He knew he belonged there. Within the hospital he seemed to want to go unnoticed as much as was physically possible. It was a weird thing to see. Now that he knew how the kid was outside of this place it almost made his heart ache to see how uncomfortable he was in this setting. No, not uncomfortable, that was the wrong word. Reserved was better. Like he didn’t really believe he should be here. As though he was waiting for the other shoe to drop and for someone to kick him out, like if he hid well enough he could slip by unnoticed and be allowed to stay.

”Whitaker. What have you got?” He dropped his hands onto his med students shoulders, giving a small squeeze. He could feel the strong shoulders beneath his scrubs, the other Whitaker was still under there, he just wasn’t sure how to coax him out yet.

”I have a head lac in central 8. All scans are clear, no intracranial bleed, it just needs suturing.” Whitaker told him.

”Good man. How’re your suturing skills?”

”Pretty good. I don’t want to brag.” He shrugged.

”I’ll leave you to it then. Give someone a shout if you need anything.” He turned to leave. “Oh and Whitaker. You’re doing good. You should be proud of yourself.” That got a smile out of the boy. He saw a flash of teeth, a glint of the smile he saw in the round pen when he first went to visit the stable. It made Robby light up inside. There he was.

~~~

Soon enough their shift came to an end. Robby was exhausted. If it had been anyone other than Jack who’d invited him out tonight he’d have bailed, but he couldn’t bail on his best friend without the man raining hell down on him for it. So with a sigh he grabbed his bag from underneath the nurses station and resigned himself for an evening of drinking beers. 

He spotted Whitaker one last time as he made his way out of ‘the Pitt’. He was slightly ahead of Robby, walking side by side with Santos. They were talking about something he couldn’t hear, but his voice carried when he tipped his head back and laughed. That was the closest he’d come all day to seeing the real Whitaker. He watched the way Santos got in his face as she laughed about something to him, and the way she slipped her hand into his and swung it back and forth dramatically. It wasn’t a pairing he would have assumed would happen, if anything he thought they’d be oddly matched. But hey he was happy for the kid. He smiled to himself and shook his head at the display in front of him when a memory surfaced in his brain.

‘They’re going to be devastated in a few years when they find out I’m gay.’

Whitaker had told him that only a few days earlier. Now he was looking at the pair in an odd confusion as he followed them out the door. Did Santos not know? Was Whitaker not out yet, and letting this poor girl think she had a chance? He’d been so open about it with him it wouldn’t make sense for the kid to feel the need to hide it here. He was still deep in thought when Santos looked back over her shoulder and shouted,

”See ya Dr Robby.” As she waved manically. Whitaker just put his head down, once again trying to hide.

”Goodnight Santos. Bye Whitaker.” Santos just giggled as Robby began walking in the opposite direction to the pair.

There was a booth and a beer waiting for him when he entered the bar. It was a tired old place. The decor was out of fashion, the leather seats cracking, the lights too dim, but he and Jack had been going there since Jack first began at PTMC. It had taken Robby a month of convincing, trying to pull the man out of his shell, but eventually he managed to convince him to go out for a drink and they’d been coming here ever since.

”Thought you might have flaked on me.” Jack smirked from the opposite side of the table.

”What and deal with you complaining for the next three weeks? No thank you.” He laughed. It was easier to laugh these days.

”You seem good man. Seriously. How’s therapy going?” It was so easy for Jack to just say. He had no qualms about these sorts of things. Robby wasn’t sure he’d even be able to admit he was in therapy if it wasn’t for Jack. Well all things considering he would be in therapy full stop if it wasn’t for him.

”Therapy has been going well. I may have even picked up an extra curricular activity as well.” Robby smirked into the neck of his beer bottle.

”Oh yeah? You gonna share?”

”Equine therapy.”

”Horse riding and that shit?” Jack asked.

”Yeah, there’s a lot more to it, but that's the general gist I guess.”

”And how’s that treating ya?” He kind of loved Jack for the way he was. He just took everything in his stride. There were no jokes, he didn’t get a ribbing for his new unconventional hobby. Just genuine curiosity about how it was going.

”It’s going well. I’m learning a lot. How to center myself, keep my emotions in check more. They’re intelligent animals, horses. They feel what we feel.”

”I’m really happy for you man. Everyone has noticed you’ve seemed better these last few weeks. I mean I don’t really know a lot about it, but if it’s working for ya then it counts for something.” He tipped his head back and took another swig of his drink.

”Oh and you’ll never guess who works up at the stables. Genuinely, I had to do a double take the first time I went up there.” Robby laughed at the memory. Declines to mention that he’s done a double take every time since.

”I couldn’t even guess.”

”Dennis Whitaker.”

”Your med student? The one that looks like if a drowned rat and a Victorian street urchin had a child.” Robby burst out laughing at the comparison. He had to admit he did see it.

”Oh, give him a break. He can’t help that. But yes, that one.”

”Kid looks like he can barely lift a needle. What’s he doing at a stable?”

”No. You don’t get it! He puts the scrubs on and seems to lose 50lbs of muscle. Don’t let the kid deceive you. I promise you. He knows what he’s doing out there. Completely different person. You should see the confidence on the kid when he’s up there, strutting around like he practically owns the place.”

”Jesus Mike. Sounds like you have a crush on the kid.”

Robby’s brain does a hard reset. He splutters out his drink, has to take a few gasps of air in, trying to stop himself from choking. Whitaker! No, no way, absolutely not.

”Jesus Christ, warn a guy before you say something like that!” He splutters out, coughing a few times to get the beer out of his lungs.

”What?” Jack asked incredulously.

”Well for one the kid wasn’t even alive when I was the age he is now, secondly I am his boss and that would be completely inappropriate at best. At worst he’d only do it because he felt like he had to because I’m his boss. Oh, and thirdly I haven’t done anything with a man since I was a resident. Which to go back to a previous point was before the kid was born.” He hissed out the last part. “Why am I even entertaining this to deny it? I don’t even look at the kid like that. Never have, and honestly you’re a sick individual for thinking about it.”

”I was just making a joke brother.” Jack shrugged and downed the last of his drink.

Chapter Text

Adrenaline was coursing through his body, in the same way electricity would spark through the air before a large storm rolled in. The hairs on the back of his arm stood up in the same way. Anticipation, the halt of a breath, waiting for the thunder to clap. This was it. This was the buzz that everyone talked about. The reason they came back everyday. The one case that made it all worth it. Dennis was practically shaking where he stood from the amount of adrenaline currently pumping through his veins. He hadn’t felt this excited since the first time his dad had woken him up in the middle of the night and asked him to come help birth a calf.

~~~

The day began the same way each one did. He got up at 4:30, made his way to the barn to get the horses in and fed, before making his way to the hospital. He’d have to tell Trinity where he’d been going soon. She was starting to get suspicious of his morning disappearance. She was now convinced he was sneaking out in the night to go to some sordid hookup. 

He began his day the way they always did, with rounds and handovers from the night before. Then he was onto triage with Dana and McKay. As the weeks marched on, and he began to near the end of his rotation he was finally becoming more confident in his place within the ED. Dennis was finally getting to a point where he understood his role here. There was a space for him. He wasn’t shoved into a corner the way he had been in Cardiology, left to his own devices. He wasn’t told to keep out of the way, pretend he didn’t exist the way he had been in Oncology. Here he mattered. He was part of the team, not an ornament in the corner collecting dust. McKay asked him questions, quizzed him about patients and treatment courses. She stood back and let him take the lead, build his skills and proficiency. It was a welcome change to what so many of his other rotations had been. Dennis would be sad to see the back of this place.

As the day moved on he floated from room to room, ordering tests, organising referrals. He wasn’t allowed to do much of the heavy hitting stuff yet. He still got that pang of jealousy when Trinity came out of a trauma bay, bright eyed and full of energy.

”I just helped with a Thorochotamy!” She beamed, grasping his hands with her own.

”That’s amazing.” He’d gasp back. He was so happy for her. He knew his time would come when he’d be allowed to help with things like that, but right now he was so jealous. Dennis also knew that there would come a time when things like this would stop being a novelty. He watched the way Dr Robby emerged from the same trauma bay behind Trinity. She, who was practically bouncing in place with excitement, and then he. He whose face barely changed. Simply disposed of his gloves and moved on to the next patient. The next case. He wasn’t looking forward to when it all became mundane.

~~~

Then it happened. Dennis had been put onto chairs with Samira. They’d spent the last two hours bringing people back and getting them checked over. He’d noticed a woman in the waiting room, obviously intoxicated, they could smell the booze as they walked through the doors. She wasn’t rowdy which was always a plus, but obviously very drunk. The woman had shown up maybe thirty minutes ago. In that time they had seen maybe three or four patients. Everytime they went out she caught his eye. Then as they went out to collect their next patient he noticed it. A very slight sagging in her face that hadn’t been there before.

”Samira over here.” He shouted as he ran over and knelt down in front of her.

”Whitaker, I really think she can wai-“ Dennis ignored her, turning her attention to the woman sitting in front of him.

”Ma’am can you hold both your arms out in front of you?” The woman complied, she could still lift both arms, but there was an obvious difference between each one. “And smile for me please?” Again she cooperated, this time only one side of her mouth moved. ”Stroke.” He looked round at Samira.

”Mateo, we need some help getting her inside.” Samira shouted.

The next few minutes were a blur. They had the woman on a gurney, wheeling her through to the trauma bay.

”I need IV fluids, an EKG, and call CT. Make sure they’re ready.” Samira shouted out to nobody in particular as they raced through the ED. “Whitaker, you can help assist. You caught it, you get to help.” She said to him. Then they were in Trauma 2. Robby had come in to oversee, as the cacophony of people swarmed around the bed.

”Where do you want me?” Dennis asked.

”Do and EKG and take vitals.” He nodded and got to work. Everyone fell into sync after that. Setting up IV’s, hooking the woman up to monitors, and oxygen. Dennis read out the EKG results to Samira, explaining them as he did. The woman was rushed off to CT to find where the clot was that was causing the stroke. From there she’d go straight up to neuro. 

Trauma 2 went quiet after that. The only noise left was the buzzing in Dennis’ ears. His whole body felt like it was tingling. Dennis wasn’t sure if he was shaking at that moment. He went to remove and discard his gloves but it was as though the world was moving in slow motion around him.

”No, Whitaker was the one who caught it.” He looked up at the sound of his name. Samira stood with Robby by the nurses station. He should probably leave the trauma bay, he was the only one still standing there. Dennis made his way over to the pair.

”Samira here was just telling me about your big save.” Robby gripped his shoulder. It was nice, grounding. The action made him feel more tethered to the earth. “That was a really good spot kid. She came in intoxicated. Most people wouldn’t have spotted that until much later. You caught it early and you should be really proud of yourself for it.”

”Thank you Dr Robby.” His own voice sounded muffled in his ears.

”You look a little out of it there kid.” Robby ducked down a little to get a better look at him.

”I can hear my blood rushing in my ears.” Robby laughed and patted his shoulder.

”That’s the adrenaline. It’ll wear off soon. How’re you feeling though?” Dennis stopped to look at his boss. A smile creeped across his face, as though recognition had just set in on what they’d done.

”I feel incredible.”

~~~

Once Trinity learnt about Dennis’ save with the stroke patient she insisted that they had to go out that evening and celebrate.

”I can’t go out tonight Trin, I have work in the morning.” Dennis whined as they walked back down the corridor towards the nurses station.

”You always have work in the morning, if you’re not here you’re at the barn. Anyway I don’t mean go out and drink huckleberry. What I meant was we should go out and have a meal. Something that doesn’t come in a takeout container.” She watched the way his face faltered for a second, like he was trying to find a way out. “Come on. We never go out anywhere. Plus you just had your first big save, I got to assist on a Thorochotamy. This is a big day for us. We should celebrate!”

So they went out. Dennis dressed in his only pair of black jeans and a white T-shirt, and they went out to a mom and pop Italian restaurant. Dennis still looked for the cheapest things on the menu as Trinity browsed carefully, weighing up her options between different types of pasta she was considering. Dennis just got water whilst Trinity ordered herself a glass of wine. He might have had a job now, but money was still tight for Dennis and he had to count every penny. God he couldn’t wait until his residence began.

”So. Are you going to tell me where you sneak off to every night?” Trinity wiggled her eyebrows over the basket of garlic bread she ordered for the both of them.

”I don’t sneak out at night.” Dennis answered truthfully, picking a piece of garlic bread out of the bowl.

”Bullshit. You’re never there when I wake up, and you always get to the hospital before me. You can tell me you know. I’m not going to bully you if you’re dating someone. Unless it’s someone from work.” She paused for a second thinking over her own words. “Oh my god! Is it Robby?” Dennis choked on the bread.

”No!” He cleared his throat. “No, god. Why would you even think that?”

”Um, because he literally can’t keep his hands off of you. I’ve seen the way he walks you around the ER by the scruff of your neck.”

”I think he’s just a touchy guy. I don’t think he means anything by it.”

”He doesn’t do it to me.” She raised an eyebrow, taking a sip of her wine.

”Would you let him?”

”Touche.” She sighs. “So that means you let him then.” The smile crept back onto her face.

”Trin, I grew up with three older brothers. I have been manhandled, punched, and thrown around since I was old enough to walk. It’s not that I let him, it's that I don’t notice it really. I’m desensitised to it I guess.”

”Okay, but then why do you always have that dopey look on your face whenever he talks to you? Come on! Admit it Whitaker, you’re crushing on him.”

”I’m not crushing on him. For one I’m certain he’s not gay. I heard from Samira that he and Collins were a thing a few years ago, so.”

”Oh, so he has a thing for his residents then?” Trinity knew what she was doing, she was trying to get a rise out of him. Trying to get him to admit to something that wasn’t true. There was nothing to admit to.

”Completely different. Collins was older when she joined as a resident. Closer to his age.”

”So then why do you always have that dopey look?”

”Because he’s the unit chief and I want to impress him. In case you’d forgotten, there's only a few months left before I have to put in my applications for residency, and despite my better judgment I would actually like to come back to the Pitt.”

The arrival of their food ended the discussion. Dennis never did have to admit that he went up to the barn every morning. That the two hours less of sleep each night was worth it for the measly $20 he’d make. That the extra $80 a week was what was keeping him fed after he’d paid Trinity and his credit card payments. He knew in his heart that Trinity would be supportive, that she’d be worried for his health and would insist he just stop paying her for his share of the bills, but Dennis couldn’t do it. He couldn’t bare to see her worry about him, to feel like a burden leaching off of her kindness. He wanted to be able to pay his share, and if that meant hiding the fact he spent way more time at the barn than he let on then so be it. He would take that secret to his grave if he had to.

~~~

It was 4:30 and Dennis’ alarm was going off once again. He groaned before rolling over and turning his alarm off. He wasn’t at the hospital today so he would be at the barn all day. Two more minutes he told himself as he rolled back over and curled himself further into the duvet. The next thing he knew his alarm was going off again, 4:45.

”Shit.” He hissed as he sprang from the bed. He wouldn’t have time to shower. Instead he raced around the room trying to simultaneously pull his jeans on and brush his teeth. It was a wonder he didn’t wake Trinity up with the commotion he was making trying to get dressed and out the door on time. In the mad dash he completely forgot about the container of leftover pasta from the night before.

Dennis realised he’d left his lunch at home when he got on the bus. Great. Unless Izzy was willing to buy him something then he would just have to go hungry today. He wouldn’t get paid for another week, and the meal out last night had wiped him out. The only saving grace was that he had enough food left at home to make himself lunch. That was when he remembered to pack it.

The first half of the day went the same way it always did. It was routine. Organised. Dennis could get to that barn at 5:30, close his eyes and make it through the day with how well he knew the schedule. He went into autopilot, going from job to job. Lunch came and went and he never did get anything to eat. Oh well. Long shifts in the ER had prepared him for this. Except there wasn’t so much heavy lifting in the ER. Dennis knew that Izzy always had some candy stashed away in her office, if he got to a point where he felt like he was going to pass out then he would go and ask Izzy for some.

~~~

Robby came into the barn later than he normally did. It was mid afternoon before he made an appearance, but Dennis guessed with his schedule they probably figured out time slots with him for each week as it came. Dennis was in the barn when Robby came in. He was mucking out stalls now that the horses had started to go out for the evening.

”Hey kid.” Robby smiled at him. He had his saddle in his arms and was walking towards Blazes stable. That reminded him, he needed to put away the two saddles that had been left out.

”Hi Robby.” Dennis called out as he walked the length of the aisle. He grabbed the first saddle off the barn door with one hand, and the other one with the other hand. He knew he was hungry because his arms were straining under the weight, normally he could carry these with ease. He had a saddle in each hand as he walked back past where Robby was.

”Jesus kid. Are those not heavy?” Robby chuckled.

”Not really. Guess I’m used to it.” Dennis shrugged. He took the saddles back into the tack room and put them back into their respective places. Damn, this tack room needed a tidying. That was a job for another day. He and Robby fell into a comfortable silence for a while. Robby was grooming his horse, whilst Dennis mucked out stalls on the opposite side of the aisle. It was quiet, calm. It should have been awkward, having his boss there whilst he worked, but they had slipped into this normality so easily that he hadn’t even noticed.

”Next week is your last week on rotation with us isn’t it?” Robby’s voice filtered through the quiet a few minutes later. It caught Dennis off guard for a second.

”Yeah, it’s gone by quick.” Dennis kept up the small talk.

”Where are you off to next then?”

”Family medicine, then after that my rotations are finished.” Dennis chuckled.

”Wow, you’ll be starting to apply for interviews soon then I imagine. Have you got any plans for the holidays? Are you going back home to Nebraska?” Robby asked. It was an innocent enough question but it made Dennis’ stomach drop. How much could he skirt around this without it being weird?

”Probably not. I’ve not really had the time to go home since starting med school. If Trinity doesn’t go home then we’ll probably just do something small together.” He hoped that was enough of an answer.

”You and Santos are close.” Robby mused. Good, Dennis had thrown him off the scent. “Can I ask you a question?” Oh god, here it comes.

”Sure.” Dennis said, suddenly becoming very interested in the sawdust at his feet.

”You made an off handed comment last week about your sexuality. I don’t know if that was intentional or not, but you did, and I’ve noticed how close you and Santos are. So I guess it's not really a question, but more of a statement. You don’t have to hide that from us, you know. I don’t know how well it went over back home but you don’t have to date somebody you don’t have feelings for just to seem ‘normal’. It’s not fair to you or to Santos, who I’ll assume doesn’t know.” Robby rambled. Dennis couldn’t help the cackle that erupted from his chest.

”Trinity and I are not dating, Robby.” Dennis had tears in his eyes from how hard he was laughing.

”Oh. I guess I just assumed what with the way you are together.” Robby mumbled, obviously embarrassed.

”She’s my best friend. And she is very aware that I’m gay. Honestly I’m surprised you haven’t heard her refer to me as ‘her pet twink’. She does that a lot.”

”I have not. No.” Robby scratched the back of his head. “But then how come to always leave the hospital together?”

”We live together. She gave me her spare room when she found out I was living on the eighth floor.” Dennis was still laughing, the words slipped out of his mouth before he could catch them. Robby’s head snapped towards him. Oh, look. That sawdust was really interesting again. Dennis waited with baited breath, ready to be scolded.

”Why were you living on the eighth floor?” Robby asked instead, a lot softer this time.

”It wasn’t like a permanent thing or anything, I was just between places and needed a place to crash until I found somewhere else.”

”Dennis.” The atmosphere in the barn had suddenly become very serious. “How long were you up there?”

”A couple of months.” Dennis mumbled. He couldn’t bear to look Robby in the eyes. He didn’t want to see that pitying look in his eyes.

”Could your parents not help you with housing costs until you got back on your feet?” Dennis huffed at that. He didn’t mean to, it just came out. He wanted to curl up into a ball and die.

”They didn’t know.” He chose his words carefully. Robby raised an eyebrow at him, ushering him to continue. “Things are complicated with my family.”

”You’re not in contact with your family are you?”

”Not since I went to med school.”

”You’ve been doing this all on your own for four years?” Robby asked astounded. Well it was all out in the open now. He might as well fill in the gaps.

”I managed for the first two years. I sold my car when I got to Pittsburgh to pay for a room in a shitty apartment. Then I took out credit cards and loans to get me through. After second year I had maxed out all my options so I was evicted and then I just hoped from shelter to shelter through third year. Then I started my rotations at PTMC and I found the eighth floor. I figured it was better than a shelter.” Dennis shrugged. He refused to lift his eyes from the floor. He couldn’t bear to see that pitying look on Robby’s face. The night he’d told Trinity the whole story she’d hugged him. They’d never hugged before, and Dennis had felt like his skin was crawling. He didn’t need people pitying him. He didn’t need charity.

The silence in the barn was deafening. Neither one of them spoke for what felt like an eternity. The weight of Dennis’ words hung heavy in the air, marinating in the space between them. Dennis’ stomach growled unceremoniously, breaking the silence. Robby looked over at him again, as though he was an abandoned dog. Dennis wanted to crawl inside of his own skin.

”Have you eaten today?” Dennis could hear the undertone behind Robby’s words.

”I forgot my lunch at home.” Robby stared at him, as though trying to decipher if the statement was true. “Seriously. I had leftover pasta I was gonna bring, but I woke up late and forgot it when I was running out the door.” He defended himself. Robby just sighed. Dennis watched with curiosity as he dug around in the pocket on the side of his cargo pants. A second later he produced a set of keys from the pocket. He threw them in Dennis’ direction, Dennis barely caught them.

”I have granola bars in the glove box in my car, go and get yourself a couple.” He sighed.

”You don’t have to-“

”Go.” Robby cut him off.

The thing about Dennis Whitaker was that he was also one to do as he was told. Which is why he was now in the small parking lot unlocking his boss's car and climbing halfway into the passenger seat to rummage around in his glove box. This was so wrong. This was wrong in so many ways. Nonetheless he opened the glove box and found a box of granola bars shoved in there. He pocketed two and climbed back out of the car. From where he was he could see Robby walking Blaze to arena 3.

”Robby, what should I do with your keys?” He shouted over to him.

”Keep hold of them for now.” Robby shouted back. He took a moment and turned back to Dennis. “What time do you finish?” Dennis looked over at his watch. It was 4:30 now.

”In an hour and a half.” 

“Good. I’ll take you to get some food when you finish. Can’t have my best med student starving.” Dennis wondered if it was too late to throw himself head first from the hayloft.

Chapter Text

The drive to the diner Robby knew of was quiet. Whitaker sat in the passenger seat of Robby’s car with his hands in his lap, staring intently out the window. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Whitaker shiver inciting him to silently turn the heater on. Robby didn’t try to initiate conversation. He had seen the way the boy closed off earlier when he’d let slip about his previous living arrangements. He was probably embarrassed, so Robby would leave him be for the time being. That being said he couldn’t leave him not knowing if he was going to have any food at home when he got back there. So he would take Whitaker out for a meal, just to make sure he was fed.

Robby had a lot to think about on the drive over. His med student had confessed to him that he was unhoused for an entire year, going from shelter to shelter just to give himself somewhere to sleep at night. It was a lot for someone so young to go through, and Robby couldn’t help but wonder what that did to someone. Robby had been fortunate that he had never faced financial trouble in his life. There had times in his first few years of residency when he’d had to keep a watchful eye on his wallet, but he’d never gone without. It was hard to know that such a promising young doctor had spent so much time not knowing where his next meal was coming from, or if he would have a bed to sleep in that night. It made so much sense why Whitaker was the way that he was. Why he always had those bags under his eyes, or why he scarfed down food like he hadn’t eaten in three days. He thought back to the boy's first day in the Pitt, when he’d scolded him for the mess he’d made with the sandwich, and mentally kicked himself for the outburst. He had no idea when the boy had previously eaten.

”If you think any harder smokes going to start coming out of your ears.” Whitaker said from beside him. It wasn’t in the usual care free manner he used at the barn. There was no light to the words. It was closed off, short. Akin to the way he spoke within the hospital, with a slight edge beneath the words.

”Sorry.” Robby mumbled as though he’d been caught doing something he shouldn’t.

They pulled into the parking lot. Robby expected Whitaker to jump straight out of the car, to try and get as far away from the space as possible. Put as much distance between them as he could. He did not. The boy just sat there, as if waiting for permission to exit the car. Robby turned off the engine and got out. Whitaker followed a few steps behind him. Resigned. Robby decided that this was his least favourite version of Dennis Whitaker. The bell above the door chimed as they stepped onto the premises.

”Hi lovely, you want a table?” The waitress asked him.

”Please.” Robby nodded and followed behind her as she took them to a booth in the back corner of the diner.

”I will go and grab you some menus. Can I get any drinks started for you?” She asked. Robby looked over at Whitaker, who was staring down at the table, and from the angle of his shoulders he could tell the kid was sitting with his hands between his knees. Anxiety.

”Kid, you want a drink?”

”Just a Dr Pepper please.” Whitaker mumbled.

”Drip coffee for me. No cream, two sugars.” They sat in silence until the waitress came back with their drinks and a menu each. He took sips at his coffee whilst he pretended to read through the menu. He didn’t really need to look, he always ordered the same thing. Over the top of his menu he could see Whitaker scanning over the pages, going back and forth between the different items. He wasn’t really reading it, Robby could tell, just giving himself something to do. He didn’t want to talk and Robby could respect that.

”You two ready to order?” The waitress asked when she came back. Robby rattled off his order, looking over expectantly at Whitaker.

”I’ll just have the onion rings.” He shrugged.

”Dennis.” Robby looked at him. His face twitched in discomfort. Okay, so they weren’t on first name terms yet. “Get a proper meal. We’re not leaving until you eat.” The kid just rolled his eyes.

”Fine. I’ll have a cheese burger and fries.” He pouted. The man sitting in front of him was 26, yet he couldn’t look more like a kid at that moment. He was sulking. Arms crossed, bottom lip sticking out.

”He’ll have the onion rings as well.” Robby interjected. With that the waitress walked away.

”Robby!” He whined. “You didn’t have to do that. I have food at home.”

”And I believe you kid, but I wanted to know for sure that you’d eaten.” Robby shrugged. “Call it a thank you for everything you’ve done the last couple of weeks.”

”I was just doing my job.” He pouted. God if the kid wasn’t on the brink of a panic attack Robby would have laughed at how ridiculous he was being. He wouldn’t though. He could spot it a mile away. He’d treated enough unhoused people to see what this was. The overwhelming urge to downplay his own shortcomings. To convince everybody he could handle things on his own. That he didn’t need help.

So they ate in silence. Robby watched the way Whitaker wolfed down his food. It wasn’t surprising since the boy hadn’t eaten since the night before, and he’d been doing manual labor all day. Robby didn’t say anything to this though, scared that if Whitaker thought that he had caught him he might stop eating. The only thing Robby wanted right now was for him to eat the whole thing. Once they’d finished he paid the bill and they made their way back outside. It was dark now, the nights came in earlier as they moved towards winter, and there was a definite chill in the air.

”Do you want to give me your address and I’ll drive you home?” Robby asked as he made his way to the car. Once again Whitaker was walking a few paces behind, hands in his pockets, head to the ground.

”No thank you. I can get the bus from here.” He said. Small, resounding. It broke Robby’s heart a little bit.

”Are you sure? It’s no bother kid. It’s cold out here.”

”I said I’m fine.” He tried to snap. There wasn’t much energy to it. Robby knew when to quit. It was a big enough deal getting him here and making him eat in the first place. He wasn’t going to push his luck any further.

”Okay, kid. Well get home safe then. I’ll see you at work in the morning.” Robby sighed. There was only so much he could do in one day.

~~~

Robby went straight from work to his therapy appointment the next day.

”So, Michael. How has the past week been?” And well, there was a loaded question. If she’d have asked him three days ago he would have said everything was going well. But how did he explain to his therapist that he was now overly invested in the life and welfare of his medical student who he’d just found out was homeless when they met? How did he explain that he wanted to make sure this kid always ate, and that he felt so much anguish for him. A kid who shouldn’t have had to go through half the things he had been through, or any of the things, brewing just beneath the surface, the Robby didn’t know about yet.

‘Things are complicated with my family.’ The statement felt like a live bomb in his brain ready to explode.

”It’s been going good.” He said instead. “I feel better at work. I’m not as jittery. It doesn’t feel like I have a weight on my chest so much anymore when I’m working.” He explained.

”Good. And how has equine therapy been working for you? Last time we spoke you had just begun that.”

”I’m enjoying it. It’s helping me to ground myself. It’s helping me to better understand my own emotions when I have to use them in conjunction with an animal. It’s keeping me focussed on tasks, and that’s helping me with work. I’m finding that my mind doesn’t wander as often.”

”That’s really good Michael. I’m glad to hear that.”

For the next fifty minutes they went through Robby’s week. He talked over some of his stressors. He talked more about Adamson and his issues around that. They were making good headway. It always surprised him how light Robby felt after he’d been to his appointment. He felt drained and raw, but ultimately lighter. He wasn’t sure why he’d put this off for so long.

~~~

Saturday afternoon came around and Robby was once again driving up to North Pittsburgh Stables. He’d woken up anxious that morning. It was the first time that had happened in a while. He’d tried to do his breathing exercises his therapist had shown him, and when that hadn’t worked he’d tried to just get on with his day. By mid day his anxiety hadn’t subsided so Robby had one last option in his arsenal. His session at the barn wasn’t for another hour but there he was pulling into the parking lot anyway.

As he pulled onto the property he felt himself beginning to relax. His nervous system seemed to decompress all at once. Robby chuckled to himself as he felt it happening. It was kind of insane how safe this place had made him feel in such a short amount of time. It was like breathing his first breathe of air after being under water for so long.

As he got out of the car he looked over at arena 3. Whitaker was in there with Izzy, he was on Jasper. Robby had never seen him ride like this before. Sure he’d seen him riding the horse when he arrived for his first session but nothing ever like this. For one Whitaker actually had a riding helmet on, it almost made him chuckle as he remembered their conversation on his first day, Izzy had definitely made him wear it. For a second thing he was on an English saddle. Robby didn’t know Whitaker even knew how to ride English. He made his way over to the arena and leaned on the fence to watch him.

”That’s it Denny. Go into a sitting trot and then at the next corner ask for the canter. Keep him on the outside rail as you come down the long line.” Izzy gave him instructions. Robby watched as he dropped in the saddle and gave a click of his teeth. Jasper seamlessly changed gaits into a canter. He looked effortless as he did, his hips rolling with the movement of the horse. “He’s trying to run, collect him. Keep him in control.” Izzy shouted again. Whitaker took the corrections and collected Jasper. “Good. Now once you get to C turn him onto the centre line and come over the jump.” Robby hadn’t even noticed the jump in the centre of the arena. It wasn’t tall by any means, maybe 2 feet off the ground. “Two-point as you come over the jump.” Izzy shouted, he was coming towards the jump. Robby held his breath waiting for him to go over it. The jump was flawless. Whitaker slowed Jasper back down to a walk on the long line. Robby clapped for him.

”What d’ya think Robby. You reckon being an Olympic show jumper is in my future?” He laughed. So we were back to barn Whitaker today. 

“Walk him around for a minute Denny. I’m going to set you up a small course. See how he handles a few jumps at once.” Izzy told him. Whitaker just nodded from where he sat atop the horse.

”I didn’t know you rode English Whitaker.” Robby shouted.

”I didn’t until I started working here, but Jasper needs training for both styles, so Izzy’s been teaching both of us.” Whitaker laughed as he walked Jasper past the fence line where Robby was standing.

”Okay. I’ve set a course up for you. Find your spacing and bring him out onto the right rein, turn up at K towards M going over your first jump, bring him round on the left rein to the two jumps on the long side, turning up at A over the jump on the centre line, and then come down on the right rein again for the last jump. You got that?” No, Robby didn’t understand a word of it. Whitaker must have though, because he gave Izzy a thumbs up and maneuvered Jasper through the centre of the arena towards the right rail. He picked up his trot before the bottom corner and then transitioned to a canter after he’d turned at K. Robby was awestruck as he watched. Whitaker took each jump in his stride, going over each one with ease and comfort. The younger man could have told him he’s been jumping horses his whole life and Robby wouldn’t have known any differently.

”How’d I do?” Whitaker asked Izzy as he trotted past. He was posting now. Bouncing up and down to compensate for the bumpy gait.

”Perfect. You’re really coming along. I think I’ll teach you dressage next.” Izzy laughed. Whitaker scrunched up his face in disgust.

”Oh, please don’t.”

”Go on, walk him off while I take these down. Then you can take him out to the field once he’s had his dinner.” Izzy got to work taking the jumps down as Whitaker walked Jasper around the arena trying to cool him down. He gave the horse a few pats on the neck, telling him well done.

”Can I take this helmet off now that I’m just walking?” Whitaker shouted out to Izzy.

”No!” She shouted back. “You should be setting a good example.”

”It’s squishing my head!” He complained, unclipping the helmet regardless.

”Dennis Whitaker! If that helmet isn’t done up when I turn around you are banned from riding for a month.” Whitaker groaned and rolled his eyes, but reclipped the helmet under his chin regardless.

”God knows what you’ve got to deal with at the hospital with him.” Izzy spoke to Robby for the first time since he’d arrived. It caught Robby off guard. Nothing. He thought. Whitaker was the model student at the hospital. He had never once seen him like this, not until he came here anyway.

”Oh, you’ve got no idea.” Robby said instead.

”Oi! Don’t gang up on me.” Whitaker had dropped the reins now and had his arms crossed against his chest. He looked like a petulant child. It made Robby laugh.

Izzy ducked between the wooden panels of the fence to leave the arena once she’d taken the jumps down.

”Keep an eye on him. I don’t trust him on his own.” She tapped Robby’s chest as she walked off towards her office.

”I don’t need a babysitter!” Whitaker shouted, but she was already gone.

”Sorry kid, but it looks like you do.” Robby shrugged. He just groaned, tipping his head back as he did so. He watched as Whitaker swung himself off of Jasper, landing gently on the floor. As soon as his feet hit the ground his helmet was off. He ruffled a hand through his hair.

”Stupid helmets.” He grumbled to himself. He clipped the helmet together and left it on his forearm as he walked Jasper down to the bottom of the arena. Robby unlatched the gate to let him out. “Thanks.” He smiled and walked off towards the barn to untack Jasper.

~~~

Robby’s sessions at the barn always began the same way. He would spend twenty minutes in the stall with Blaze before he had to groom and tack him. He’d learnt when he first signed up that ten of their twenty four horses had been specially trained to assist in equine therapy. Robby walked into the stall and Blaze looked over at him. Robby held out his hand the same way he did every time. Letting the horse get a feeling for his emotions and understand how he was coming into the space today. Blaze licked at his palm and nudged his head into Robby’s shoulder. From there they would spend some time together, absorbing one another’s energy, Blaze a grounding force for Robby. It was as though the horse in front of him was taking away the stress from his body. The slow steady heartbeat this animal possessed thrumming loud enough to lull his own into a similar beat. Robby rolled his neck and breathed deeply. Centering himself for his lesson.

”So Robby, how would you feel about trying to trot today?” Aaron, his instructor, asked after he’d done a couple of laps around the arena.

”Yeah. Why not?” 

“Do you feel ready? Like we’ve been saying his emotions are attune to ours. If you’re anxious then he’s anxious too.”

”No, I’m ready to give it a try.”

”Okay. I’m going to walk you through it.” Aaron smiled. “You’re going to keep walking for now, and when you come past H I want you to try and ask for the trot. So we’re going to use our ‘ask, tell, command’, give a click first, if that doesn’t work a squeeze with the legs, and then a kick if he still doesn’t want to. When you ask for the trot I want you to shorten up your reins, his head is going to come up so you want to keep the contact on the bit, and it's going to be bumpy so if you need to then hold on to the horn of the saddle. You think you’ve got that?” Robby ran over the instructions in his head.

”Yeah, I’ve got it.” He nodded.

”Good. Do you want someone to run next to you, keep a hold of Blaze’s head collar?” Robby thought about it for a second.

”Please. Just the first time until I get a feel for it.”

”No problem.” Aaron smiled, then he shouted over the fence. “Dennis! Are you free? Can you come give me a hand?” Whitaker was walking back across the yard.

”Yeah man, what’s up?” He climbed into the arena through the wooden fences.

”Robby’s gonna try his first trot. Would you mind running round with Blaze for his first go? I’d do it but my knee’s still messed up from the other day.” Aaron explained.

”No problem. You need to get that checked out though.” Whitaker chuckled, walking over to where Robby and Blaze were still walking along the rail. “Is he picking it up at H?” Dennis called out.

”Yeah, please.” They were on the short line now, coming past C towards H.

”That’s it, shorten up your reins.” Whittaker mumbled. He was walking by the horse's head. Hand next to Blaze’s head, ready to take hold of the head collar. “Coming past H now, make sure your heels are down, give him a click.” His hand was lightly holding the halter now. Robby did as was instructed. Blaze’s ears pricked up but he stayed in his walk. “Give him a squeeze and another click.” Robby squeezed Blaze’s sides with his thighs, clicking with his teeth at the same time. That did the trick. He transitioned from a walk into a trot and Whitaker kept pace, jogging beside him. His hand still on the horse's halter.

”That’s it Robby, sit up tall, and keep going until M then bring him back to a walk.” Aaron shouted. To call it bumpy was an understatement. Robby wasn’t sure how Whitaker made this look so graceful. He was bouncing around on top of the saddle.

”Sit deep in your saddle, keep your back straight but sit down onto your pockets.” Whitaker coached him as he jogged alongside. He did as he was told and found it became smoother. Not much, but enough that he didn’t feel as wobbly. They reached the top corner of the arena and Robby pulled back on the reins, bringing Blaze back to a walk. “Congratulations. You just trotted for the first time.” Whitaker smiled up at him.

Chapter Text

It was hard to believe that eleven weeks had passed by already. Some days it felt like mere hours ago that Dennis was walking into the ED for his first shift of emergency medicine. Other days it felt as though an entire lifetime had happened around him. Dennis felt as though he’d lived through an entire career within these walls, despite only being here for three months. He’d settled into a routine. Something he couldn’t walk away from his other rotations feeling like. Elsewhere in the hospital Dennis had felt like a burden, like he was getting under people's feet, shunned to a corner to watch and observe. Here he’d been able to get stuck in. Help. His colleagues had taken the time to get to know him, learn his name and where his strengths lie. He wouldn’t be walking away from this rotation feeling as out of place and uncomfortable as he had the day he walked into it. He felt settled within the ED. Which was a lot considering the dichotomy of how the place ran. To feel settled in such a hectic and fast moving environment was confusing, but reassuring. Dennis hadn’t thought his future would lie in emergency medicine. He’d thought he’d go into Orthopaedics or Anesthesiology. The kind of places that were meticulous, logic based. Where every day was a variation of the same thing. He craved routine after all. He should have really known. A farm boy who worked long hours on his feet. Who never really knew what the day would entail. Someone who could think on his feet and adjust to whatever problems arose at the tip of a hat. Of course the ED would be where he thrived. So as he walked into his last week of work for this rotation he felt almost somber. He didn’t want to see the back of this place.

The ED was always busy. That was a given. Today though. Today was busy. Right from the get go he was rushed off his feet. A GSW had swept him off his feet seconds after he’d put his water bottle down at the nurses station, and from there he hadn’t stopped. It was non stop. One thing after another keeping him on his toes for hours on end.

After the mass shooting at Pittfest everything else had felt like a walk in the park. If anything the rest of his shifts felt slow. As though he was wandering leisurely from patient to patient instead of the hectic back and forth he’d been subjected to on his first day. This was an ongoing thrum. No where near as stressful or life or death, but constant. He barely had time to even do his charting at this pace. Dennis now understood why nobody else sat down when they were charting patient notes. He understood why every one of the older residents and his attending would lean themselves over the backs of chairs to hastily type up notes as opposed to sitting at the chair they were leaning on. You didn’t have the time. It was the beginning of flu season, and this year was looking to be a heavy hitter. In the span of three hours he had seen over ten patients with the same symptoms. Aches, runny nose, persistent vomiting. It was the flu, and it was hitting people hard.

Already today Dennis had needed to change his scrubs twice and it was only midday.

”Looks like you’re going out with a bang, ay kid.” Dana chuckled as he walked past the nurses station, vomit down his front.

”Kid missed the bowl.” Dennis shrugged, trying to keep his nose away from the smell that was assaulting him. Dana just chuckled, leaving him to weave his way through to the scrub dispenser and his locker. He’d gotten better at the quick changes. He now kept an old T-shirt in his locker for times like this. It was too big for him, probably one of his brothers he’d accidentally packed when he left for med school, so it covered everything that needed covering. No longer was he walking around looking like a lost patient in a paper gown.

”Aw, are you trying to break your record before you leave us Huckleberry?” Trinity cooed mockingly as Dennis fed his soiled scrubs back into the machine. She had her arms wrapped around his front and her head on his shoulder.

”Please get off me when I’m half naked.” He sighed. He swiped his ID badge to request new scrubs.

”You’re such a prude farm boy.” She laughed but released him regardless.

~~~

By the time 3pm came around Dennis was exhausted. He had just discharged two of his patients and had been handed three more to help with. This day was never going to end. He hadn’t had a chance to even go to the bathroom since he’d started. Not that it mattered, he would have needed to be able to drink something to warrant the need to use the bathroom.

”How’re you holding up kid?” Dana asked him. He had walked past the nurses station, checked his patient file and promptly turned around to walk the opposite way.

”Is this ever going to end?” He asked, exasperated.

”Not in mine or your lifetime. Welcome to flu season.” She chuckled. He sighed and carried on walking to the patients room, now that he was walking in the right direction.

In a way Dennis was glad for the trial by fire that was Pittfest. If a day like today had crept up on him with no warning he isn’t sure he’d have made it through. As it stood he was taking this in his stride. Sure it was stressful and tiring, but everytime something happened he reminded himself that he’d been to hell and back and made it out alive. If he could make it through that he could make it through anything. It gave him the push he needed to continue on. He could go a little longer without a break. He could see his next patient before he needed to stop and eat something. Today was just a busy day. People weren’t coding around him. This wasn’t life or death. He could make it through. It was just busy.

Dennis finally had enough time to write up his notes. He had been rushing back and forth between three different patients and finally the times had lined up where he could chart everything. The woman in north six had gone to radiology for a scan on her ankle, the kid in central seven was getting blood tests done, and the old man in north four was waiting for discharge papers. This was his chance to breathe. He lent over a chair at the nurses station and let his head drop forward. Just one moment he told himself. A second to breathe and then he would write up these notes before the lab work came back. He was exhausted in a way he hadn’t felt since his first day. Soon he would have to find the time to go and get himself something to eat, but that could wait a little longer yet. Maybe once the old man had been discharged.

”You doing okay kid?” Robby’s voice sounded from behind him.

“Uh huh, yeah. Just getting the discharge papers for my patient in four whilst I wait for labs from seven.” He focussed his attention to the monitor. He would have liked a few more seconds, but hey beggars can’t be choosers. He felt Robby move closer behind him, in his peripheral version saw his arm extend over his shoulder to reach for something.

”That water bottle has been sitting there all day untouched. Drink something before you pass out.” Dennis didn’t see Robby pick up his water bottle. The old scuffed plastic bottle he’d gotten for free when he started med school. It had his school's name on it, and one of those flip straws. His eyes were still on the screen, but he did feel when the straw ghosted across his lip. Dutifully he opened his mouth and began to gulp down a few mouthfuls of his water. Then his brain caught up with his actions. Unfortunately, so did his body. He choked on the water as he swallowed it, gasping for air as it went down. He clambered into the chair in front of him hunching forward over the desk, still coughing from the water. Never in his life had Dennis been more thankful for a chair and a desk. He was currently sporting a semi and the thin hospital scrubs weren’t the most forgiving things to begin with. What was wrong with him? Robby had put his bottle back down on the desk and was now giving him gentle pats on the back. Please stop. Dennis begged in his head.

”Okay, just breathe kid.” Shut up. Please for the love of god just shut up. Dennis wanted to shout. The hand on his back had stopped patting now and was rubbing circles instead. This was in no way helping. He cleared his throat enough to speak.

”Sorry. Went down the wrong way.” He spluttered. If he wasn’t already red from choking he would have been scarlet from the way that sentence sounded, and the actions leading up to it.

”That’s okay. Take a minute, get your breath back. I’ll take those discharge forms.” Robby chuckled, none the wiser to the conflict going on in Dennis’ head right now. He put his head down on the desk and bit into his knuckle suppressing the groan that threatened to escape his lips. Dennis was fucked.

~~~

This was bad. This was really, truly bad. Dennis and Trinity walked into their apartment together later that evening.

”I’m gonna go take a shower.” Dennis mumbled as he headed through to his bedroom.

”Alright.” Trinity stared at him. She did that some times. Just stared at him like she was trying to climb through his skull and rifle through his thoughts. He didn’t like it. It felt like he had a screen on his forehead and she was watching everything he was thinking play out. So he locked his bathroom door and turned on the shower slumping down on the closed toilet lid whilst he waited for the water to warm up. Finally he let out the groan he’d been suppressing all afternoon and let his head slump into his hands. The only thing he could think was, why? Why of all the people did it have to be his boss? Why, after he’d spent so long convincing Trinity she was wrong, did these feelings begin to creep up on him? Why was he a freak who got turned on by someone hand feeding him his water? He’d left his water bottle at work. He was probably going to have to bin the thing now. Every time he looked at it for the rest of the day a blush crept onto his cheeks. At one point McKay saw him as it happened and asked if he was feeling okay. She was probably concerned he was about to pass out. Dennis let out another groan. Then he remembered the shower was on. He still needed to do that before the water went cold.

The water was near scolding when he got in. The mirror on the medicine cabinet had already begun to fog over. He sighed as he stepped under the stream. It did wonders to relax his muscles. Well, almost all of his muscles. As he closed his eyes the memories came flooding back in full force. His water bottle in Robby’s hand. The way he’d casually placed it into Dennis’ mouth to make him drink. An almost pathetic moan escaped his lips as he felt the strain of his erection, the water beating down on him doing nothing to help the situation. There were many things in his life that Dennis felt guilt about. The guilt he held in church when his town pastor preached about ‘man shall not lie with another man’ when gay marriage was legalised. The guilt he had when he told his family he had changed his plans and was going to med school, not coming back to the farm. The guilt that ran through his body at fifteen the first time he sucked another mans dick, not two weeks after the aforementioned sermon on the sins of homosexuality. The enraptured words of their priest coursing through his veins, as guilt and pleasure melded together in the parapet of his stomach. As he braced one hand against the wall and took himself in the other he knew that this was just another thing to add to that list. One more thing he would quietly feel guilty about for the rest of his life.

Chapter Text

He’d seen it happen a thousand times before. They’d have a med student on rotation with them who would click so well with the group that when the time came for them to leave they’d get very somber as the day drew closer. He saw it happen with Langdon, and with McKay, and now it was happening with Whitaker. He seemed closed off when he came in for his penultimate shift. Avoiding Robby’s eye. Floating between patients on autopilot. The kid didn’t want to leave. He’d seen it all before.

It was one of the ways Robby began to mentally compile a list of his possible R1’s. The students who actually seemed sad to see the back of the place. Being good in the Pitt only got you so far, you needed that genuine passion for the place as well, and he always learnt more in that last week about who he’d like to come back than he did from the previous eleven weeks of their rotation.

Robby was on the interview board for the hopeful R1’s. He remembered them all well. Santos was one he’d had worries about during her interview. She seemed just as excited for her general surgery interview at Presbyterian as she had about the one with him. She’d won over the rest of the board and been offered the match, but he still harboured that lingering worry when she began. Samira had divided the panel. Her enthusiasm and knowledge about emergency medicine had won over half of them, but the others —Robby included— had been worried she wasn’t cut out for it. In the end Jack had the deciding vote and he’s sealed her future. Robby was intrigued to know how Whitaker would do. Would he even apply for his residency here? He hedged his bets yes. Given his sullen mood at the ever looming end of his rotation. He was certain he’d see that kid's application on the pile in the coming months.

~~~

“One more shift with us. How’re you feeling?” Robby grasped Whitaker's shoulders and gave a friendly squeeze. Whitaker flinched at the contact and wriggled free from his grasp. Odd, he’d never shrugged him off before. “You feeling okay kid?” Robby asked. He noticed the light pink hue on the back of his neck.

”What?” Whitaker asked before composing himself. “Oh yeah, you just surprised me.” He shrugged

”Are you sure? You look a little peaky. If you need a break feel free to take ten minutes.” Robby stared at him, trying to decipher what was wrong. Whitaker looked anywhere but at his attending.

”No, no. I’m fine. Sorry, I really need to get these labs to McKay.” And he scurried off. He hadn’t seen the boy this frazzled since he first began, it was concerning, but maybe he was just worried about his upcoming rotation.

After his conversation with Whitaker Robby floated around the ER. He got stuck in where he needed to, and offered assistance to his residents when they asked for it. He enjoyed this part of the job. It was one of the reasons he went into emergency medicine. He couldn’t abide by having nothing to do. He could not be content sitting back at the nurses station and waiting for his staff to come to him with any problems. He needed to be in the heart of it all. He must walk the length of a marathon on a day to day basis with the amount he walked around that ED. He jumped on a few trauma cases that came through their doors, and helped out when needed with the less urgent cases. His ER worked like a well oiled machine. In the wake of Pittfest everyone seemed to mesh together like cogs. Working in tandem with one another. It was the way the place should run.

”We’re going to take Whitaker out for congratulation drinks after our shift on Friday. You in?” McKay sidled up to him at the nurses station as she put orders in for her current patient. “We wanted to take Javadi as well but she’s not twenty one yet.”

”Oh I don’t know if you young folk wouldn’t want me there.” He sighed, eying the board, seeing where he was needed next. McKay just shot him a sideways glance. One that said ‘You are not that much older than me and I’m going.’

”Dana’s coming for a couple drinks. Come on, it’ll be fun. Have a couple beers to see the kid off.” And well if Dana was going then really he had no option but to as well. There was no way she would get roped into this without dragging him down with her.

”Yeah, okay. Fine. I’ll come for a drink or two. But only because I want that kid back with us in July.”

”He does fit in here doesn’t he?” She smiled over at Whitaker. Who was trailing behind Collins as she talked him through a case they were about to see. He looked over in their direction and quickly glanced away when he found them already looking at him. “You think he’ll ever lose that timid mousy deminer?” And Robby knew the answer to that already. He knew what Whitaker was capable of. He knew what his personality looked like when he was in a setting he was comfortable with.

”Oh, I think he’ll surprise you.” He gave a knowing smile. McKay finished typing and pushed herself back off the desk, walking away to update her patient.

~~~

Robby hadn’t seen Whitaker yet since he’d been at the barn. Which was odd because he knew he’d be there. It was his last day off before his rotation ended and Robby had learnt that his med student spent every day off working up here. It was something he found concerning, but it wasn’t his place to comment so he kept that concern to himself. At least for the time being. He stood in Blaze’s stall brushing a comb through the horse's mane when he heard the sound of horses hooves on concrete.

”Come on sweetie. Let’s get you back in.” Whitaker’s voice cooing to the horse floated down the aisle to where Robby was.

”Have you just been for a hack?” Robby called out. “I wondered where you were hiding.”

”Wasn’t hiding.” Whitaker spoke. His voice was clipped, as though he’d rolled his eyes as he said it. “One of the girls, Ashley, had a fall in the arena. She’s fine, I checked her over. Just a little shaken up, but I said I’d bring Queenie back in for her.” He explained.

They fell into a silence then. Robby had begun taking up Blaze and he could hear Whitaker untacking Queenie three stalls down. He heard when he left the stall to take her saddle back to the tack room and he heard when he returned with brushes to get rid of the sweat on her from the saddle pad.

”So. Last shift tomorrow. How’re you feeling? Where are you off to next?” Robby broke the silence.

”Good. Family medicine. Gave myself an easy one for my last rotation.” Whitaker said. There was an awkwardness that surrounded them that wasn’t normally there. Robby wanted to sigh, tell him that he didn’t need to be uncomfortable. That nothing had changed after since he let slip about his stint with homelessness. Robby wasn’t judging him, and he had nothing to be ashamed about.

”Yeah. Then after that you’ll be prepping for interviews. I hope I see your application for the ER when that comes around.” He tried to defuse the tension.

”Yeah, maybe. I have a few options I want to explore.”

”Well for what it’s worth, kid, I think you’d be a great addition to the team. I’d really like to have you with us, but I understand if you have somewhere else you’d rather go and if thats the case then let me know and I’ll be more than willing to write you a letter of recommendation.” The place fell silent again. Robby couldn’t even hear the sound of Whitaker brushing Queenie anymore. From the sound of it, or lack there of, Whitaker had stopped in his tracks. “Do you have any plans yet for after match day? Are you going to go home for a while? You won’t get that much time off again after July. You might as well make the most of it.” Robby tried to lull the conversation forward.

”Probably not. My family, well it’s-“ He paused again. Walls built up so high Robby couldn’t see the top let alone climb them. Whitaker wasn’t going to let anything slip past him again.

”Complicated?” He supplied.

”Yeah.”

Robby let the conversation drop off. He wasn’t going to push the kid to reveal anything else he didn’t want to. It was almost time for his lesson. His saddle was on, the only thing left to do was put Blaze’s bridle on. Something that Robby was proud to say he could do by himself now, with only a small amount of struggling before he got the thing in the horse's mouth.

”Where did you go to school?” The question cut the tension in the air like a knife. Robby almost dropped the bridle all together.

”I went to Louisiana State.” Robby breathed out, trying to play it cool. He didn’t know where this was going but he was determined not to let the conversation shut down again. If that meant talking about himself instead then so be it. The air seemed to still for a moment, would he respond? Then a laugh erupted from the stall that currently housed Dennis Whitaker. It might have been the best sound he had heard all day. Robby couldn’t help but chuckle with him.

”You went to a party school? Please tell me you grew up down there and you didn’t actually decide to go to a party school.”

”No, I grew up here in Pennsylvania. I hold my hands up, I went to a party school.” Robby laughed.

”Langdon I could see that from, maybe even Dr Abbot. You? Sorry, I can’t imagine it.”

”Kid, I was raised by a very strict grandmother in a small town east of here. You think I didn’t go a little wild when I got a bit of freedom?”

”I remember thinking Omaha was huge when I moved out there for my undergrad.” The statement felt dangerous. One wrong move here and the boy would shut back down entirely. Robby had to tread carefully.

”That’s small town life for ya. I thought I was going to have a seizure the first time I saw Mardi Gras. All the lights and sounds and colours.”

”I’d never felt so unfit in my life as I did the first time I had to walk up a Pittsburgh hill.” Whitaker admitted, and at that Robby had to laugh. Full on belly laugh. “Don’t laugh at me!” But he was also laughing now too.

”I’m sorry, kid, but that’s hilarious. I know the Midwest is flat, but seriously? You’d never walked up a hill?”

”I’ve walked up hills. There are hills in Broken Bow. We just don’t have big steep ones like over here.”

”Robby, sorry. Are you ready? Our lesson’s about to start.” Aaron shouted from the doorway into the stable. Shit, yeah. He still had to do that. He felt a pang in his stomach. He wanted to stay here, in the barn. Stay and continue talking to Dennis. Who came from a place that had hills but not steep ones. Who had ridden horses his entire life and seemed to know them better than he knew people. Who thought Omaha was a big city until he packed up his life and moved to an actual city because his family was ‘complicated’. Blaze still didn’t have his bridle on. Whitaker was standing outside his stall now.

”D’you want any help with the bridle?” He nodded at Blaze.

”Yeah, you’ll probably be quicker than me.” He handed the leather and metal over. Robby must have blinked and missed it because suddenly his horse was ready. He always had to fight Blaze to get the bit in. He would pull his head back and dodge the bit as Robby tried to guide it into his mouth. Whitaker had no such problem. Traitor. Robby thought.

Chapter Text

Dennis waited for Robby to leave the stables, and then waited a moment more, before releasing the guttural groan he’d been holding back. He dropped his head onto Queenie’s back and continued to let out the sounds of frustration. This was pathetic. He thought. Robby was his boss. He could not be having these thoughts about him. He should not be thinking about Robby, not much younger than he was now, lost and overwhelmed surrounded by light and colour at his first Mardi Gras. He shouldn’t be thinking about him going out to bars and clubs, getting shit faced and taking home strangers. Robby, who supposedly had a ‘wild phase’ and what that might have entailed. No, he absolutely should not be thinking about those things. Those are very bad things to think about when he still has hours left of work. After a moment to wallow in his own self pity he composed himself. He was still at work after all and he had things to do. 

After he’d returned the brushes to their spot in the tack room he went to start the afternoon feeds. He needed to get the thoughts of Robby out of his head. He needed to be distracted. Measuring out and soaking feed could only quell that so much though. He needed a proper distraction. Izzy came into the barn as he was putting the bags of feed back into their bins. Perfect. He knew just the way to distract himself for a while.

“Hey Izzy?” He called out. He waited patiently for her to respond. She poked her head round the door to look at him.

“Hey. Is everything okay?”

“Is anybody else riding Mickey today? And if not, can I take him out for a ride?” He couldn’t quite meet her eye. He was playing with the hem of his t-shirt.

“He’s finished for the day, so yeah of course you can.” Izzy smiled. She hovered for a moment trying to catch his eye. She knew him too well. This place had turned him into an open book. He almost hated it. “You know you can always talk to us. About anything. Whatever you’re stressed about I’m always here if you want someone to listen.” Dennis wanted to tell her everything, but how could he? How could he explain that he was having inappropriate thoughts about his boss, who was here for therapy sessions. How did he go about explaining that?

“Just a little in my head about something. I wanted a bit of a distraction.” He smiled, trying to convince her he was okay. “Anyway I don’t know yet if any of it is even real. I might just be panicking over nothing.” He chuckled nervously.

“Okay. Yeah, go on, have a nice time.” She rubbed a soothing hand over Dennis’ arm. She went to leave the feed room to continue on with her jobs before turning back to him at the doorway. “And if it’s about that boss of yours then I don’t think you need to be so worried about it.” Dennis flushed bright red.

~~~

As soon as his feet were in the stirrups, and his fingers on the reins Dennis sighed a breath of relief. He knew now why these animals were so commonly used for therapy. Just being up here, on Mickey’s back, was silencing the thoughts in his head. It was a Thursday, and schools hadn’t let out yet, so there were no kids at the barn. This meant that Dennis didn’t have to wear a helmet. Izzy had given him a disapproving shake of her head when he emerged from the stall donning his cowboy hat. She didn’t have an issue with it really, but she had to keep up pretence especially around the kids.

Mickey was his favourite horse because he was so western. He was the type of horse Dennis had grown up with. On Mickey he could let it all go, stop thinking for a while. Mickey knew exactly what he wanted and when. There was no fight, no push and pull between rider and horse. They were one when Dennis rode him. It was as though Mickey could read his thoughts and anticipate his every move before he even had to ask. He did a lap around the arena, just to warm up and get a feel for everything before he pushed Mickey into a trot. He wanted to drag it out a bit. Try and get as much time out here as he could before he had to go back to his jobs.

”I hope Izzy knows you’re out here.” Aaron shouted over to him from the fence line. Robby’s lesson must be done. Good. Hopefully he untacks and goes home before Dennis finishes his ride.

”Yeah man. She said I could ride him. Unwind a bit.” Dennis shouted back, urging Mickey on to pick up a canter.

”What’s got you so stressed? You know you can talk to us.” Aaron smiled. How had Dennis ended up with these people who were so good to him?

”I know. I need to figure it all out for myself first. Why d’you think I’m out here?”

”Well we’re here when you’re ready. We love you man.” Dennis slowed Mickey back down to a trot.

”Hey. Wanna do me a favour?” Dennis changed the subject, big emotions like love were treading too close to dangerous thoughts. “Can you come put some barrels up for me?”

”Yeah, of course I can. How’d you want them?” Dennis slowed down to a walk.

”Do a clover. Always used to run a clover at competitions.” Dennis decided. Aaron slipped through the fence and began rolling the barrels out from the corner of the arena. He set four barrels up in a square giving Dennis the layout for him to do a four leaf clover circuit. Dennis was still walking on the rail when Aaron headed back over to the fence line. He really was going to miss these guys when the time came to leave for his residency. All of them had taken him in so easily and become some of his best friends.

”Hey Robby! Dennis is gonna do a bit of barrel racing if you wanna watch?” Scratch that. Dennis hated Aaron.

If Dennis could have screamed in that moment he would have. Robby was so close to leaving. He had been walking across the parking lot towards his car when Aaron called him over. He’d come out here to stop thinking about Robby, and now the man was standing by the arena watching him ride. Great. This was perfect. Definitely not ruining his plan at all. Instead he sighed and gave a small shake of his head. Fine, if they wanted a show he would give them a show. He picked up his canter on the long line, coming down towards the bottom corner. As he rounded the corner he kept turning up into the centre of the arena and urged Mickey on to the back right barrel. This was easy, it was in his blood. He’d been doing this since he was a kid, he could do it with his eyes closed if he wanted to. He might, just to show off. Mickey rounded the barrel on a tight turn, leaning on an almost 45 degree angle as he went. A less experienced rider would have slipped straight off the side and into the barrel, but Dennis didn’t even flinch. This was a walk in the park for him. He let Mickey sprint towards the barrel opposite, taking the turn at a hair raising angle again. Dennis didn’t even break a sweat. He completed the clover pattern and brought Mickey back out onto the rail, doing a victory lap around the arena whilst giving a cheer and holding onto his hat. Aaron cheered with him and Robby clapped whilst he laughed.

”Set them up in a line. I wanna see how well he weaves a tight turn.” Dennis shouted, he was still laughing. He could block Robby out whilst he was doing this. He felt so much like a teenager again that it didn’t matter that the man who was plaguing his thoughts was standing mere meters away, and besides he deserved to show off a little bit.

~~~

His reflection was staring back at him in the mirror the next morning. His last shift in the ER. After today Dennis wouldn’t have to see Robby everyday anymore and the lack of proximity would hopefully quell any lingering inappropriate thoughts he had. At least that was the hope. He’d taken the morning off from the barn. He’d be able to make back up the time once he started family medicine, his shifts wouldn’t start until nine and ended at four. So here he was, 6:15, staring at himself in the mirror. He could do this, just one more shift to get through and then he could put all of those thoughts away and never think about Robby again. From here on out he would only see the man once a week and hopefully his little infatuation would fizzle out. Because that’s what this was, an infatuation. Nothing more. His brain had latched onto something and made a mountain out of a mole hill. Once he put a bit of space between himself and his boss this entire thing would go away and Dennis could go back to the way he was before.

”If you’re not out here in two minutes I’m leaving without you.” Trinity shouted through his bedroom door as he packed his stuff into his backpack.

”I’m coming! Chill out.” Dennis opened his door to his expectant roommate.

”I think I prefer when you sneak out at night. At least then you don’t make us late.” She huffed as they made their way out of the apartment.

”Still don’t sneak out at night.” The walk from their apartment to the hospital took twenty minutes. With December right around the corner Pittsburgh had become frigid. Dennis tucked his hands into his pockets as they walked side by side and buried his nose into the collar of his coat. He should have been used to the cold, but even now he hates it. He always felt it right down to his bones and it left him shaking like a chihuahua.

”You’re such a baby Huckleberry.” Trinity ribbed him. “I thought you farm boys were made of steel. Shouldn’t you be immune to the cold?”

”I hate the cold.” He pouted. It was the only thing he could come up with. He couldn’t function enough to come up with a witty come back, not when he was losing circulation in his toes.

Thankfully the ER was warmer than outside. Which only further proved how cold it was because the ER was never warm. Dennis rubbed his hands together and blew into them as he walked through the waiting room and into the Pitt behind Trinity. The night shift staff were still milling about doing hand over with Robby and the older residents. Dennis walked straight through to his locker. Just twelve more hours of trying to avoid Robby as much as possible. He could do this.

~~~

His plan was going so well. For five hours Dennis had skillfully managed to be on the opposite side of the ER from Robby at all times. He’d made it look easy too. Nobody had given him a second glance. Rumours were like currency in the Pitt and not once had anyone so much as considered the fact that Dennis was maybe intentionally avoiding their attending. The way he had mastered the skill should have been considered an art form honestly. That was until a crush victim came barrelling through the ED doors at noon. Dennis had dared to use the bathroom, and on his way out Robby had spotted him. Right as the patient was being wheeled into Trauma 2.

”Whitaker, in here. Got a good case for your last day.” He shouted over as he walked behind the gurney. If he wasn’t in the hospital he would have whined and stomped his feet, calling the universe unfair. Except he was the hospital, and he was providing care to those around him so they couldn’t witness him throwing a tantrum like a child.

Admitting defeat Dennis walked into Trauma 2 and donned the gown presented to him by Jesse.

”What’ve we got?” He spoke to the room, not really caring who caught him up to seed.

”Compartment syndrome from a crush injury to the pelvis.” Robby told him. Everyone was getting to work around him. “Once Mohan has intubated I want you to bag for me.” Dennis nodded. He could do that. The steady rhythm of bagging their patient would keep him preoccupied. Samira got the tube in and Dennis moved into position with the bag. He was being useful.

He stayed by the patient's head whilst everyone got to work around him. He kept his focus on the job at hand, half tuning out the people around him.

”That won’t work in this case.” He heard Robby tell Samira. “Whitaker, what else could we try here?” His head popped up at the sound of his name. He wasn’t expecting to be called on. He wasn’t prepared.

”Oh, um.” He faltered, racking his brain to think of what to do for compartment syndrome.

“Come on Whitaker. What’s your plan? What are we trying next?” Robby sounded exasperated. It was a stressful situation, and once again Dennis was fumbling, doubting himself.

”Um, well. I guess I would…” He stumbled. Thankfully his brain caught up to him. He reeled off the necessary steps they needed to complete before their patient went up to surgery. As the words fell out of his mouth he sighed. He’d done it. He’d found the right answer.

”There you go. See you do know it. You just need to have a little bit more faith in yourself. Where’s all that confidence gone that I saw yesterday? You couldn’t have been anymore confident doing what you were doing, now look at you. Where did that go, bring it back.” For just a moment the entire room seemed to stop. You could hear a hairpin drop for that fraction of a second when everyone stopped to second guess what they’d just heard. The worst part of it all, Robby didn’t seem to notice what he’d said, or how it came across to everyone else, as he continued to work on the patient laid out before him. Most of the people standing in this room had been in work the day before. They all knew that neither Dennis nor Robby had been in the ED, which meant that Dennis and Robby had seen each other outside of work, and worse still Dennis had been doing something vague he’d been confident with. Yeah, that totally didn’t sound like a euphemism.

‘Great.’ Dennis thought, as eyes flashed towards him. ‘Everybody thinks I’m sleeping with my boss now. Thanks Robby.’

”Huckleberry! Um, hey. What the hell was that in there?” Trinity jogged to catch up with Dennis who was practically sprinting away from the trauma bay once the patient was wheeled off to surgery. “You’ve been on my ass for weeks trying to convince me nothing was happening, so what? Have you just been lying to me this whole time? I’m your best friend, you could have told me.”

”For Christ’s sake. I’m not sleeping with him!” Dennis hadn’t meant to shout at her. He certainly hadn’t meant for the entire ward to turn and look at him when he said it. Every pair of eyes was trained on him, this was a soap opera now and Dennis was the starring role. He grabbed Trinity’s hand and marched her into the bathroom further down the hall, locking the door behind them.

”I wasn’t lying to you.” He breathed out, running his hands down his face. “I’m not sleeping with him, despite how that looked, I’m not. You want the truth? Okay, fine. He comes up to the barn sometimes. That’s what he meant, that's it. He meant my confidence in horse riding. I was showing off yesterday and showed him my old barrel racing routine on Mickey. That’s what he meant, not me having some sort of sexual prowess. He was at the barn yesterday. I promise you, it is nothing more than that.”

”Why wouldn’t you just tell me that?” Trinity’s face softened. She could see how worked up her best friend was getting. It was true, Dennis was almost hyperventilating.

”Because we have confidentiality agreements and I’d lose my job if I did.” He slid down the wall to sit on the cold tile floor. His legs were heavy and it was getting hard to stand up.

”Oh please, that’s never stopped you before, you always tell me abou- Oh.”

”Yeah, so he can’t find out that you know. God, everyone thinks I’m sleeping with him now, and the worst part about all of it is, I kind of want to. I’ve never looked at him like that before, not when you thought I had a crush on him, but now I’ve gotten to know him outside of all this and I do. He’s basically just announced to the entire ward that he’s sleeping with me, and he has no idea how much I would love for that to be true. I didn’t realise it until a few days ago, and now I can’t even look him in the eye because it’s messing with my head. I’m so fucked.” Dennis ranted, not daring to make eye contact with Trinity. She stood there for a moment, taking in what he said, and then she sighed. She let him sit for a moment and catch his breath, then offered up a hand to help him stand up.

”Well, you’re just going to have to put your big boy pants on and deal with it then. Aren’t you?” She unlocked the bathroom door and waltzed out, past an expectant Robby. Dennis followed behind her.

”Whitaker-“

”You’ve caused enough trouble for one day.” Dennis glared at him, trying to muster up some of the so called confidence that had landed them in this predicament in the first place. “Just, let me go see my patients.” He sighed in defeat instead.

~~~

For the rest of the day Dennis kept his head down. It didn’t stop the stares, or the whispering between Princess and Perlah, but he kept his head down nonetheless. The only saving grace to the whole thing was that Robby stayed out of his way. He didn’t come and ask him for updates on patients, he didn’t check in with him and make sure he was okay, he didn’t even try to apologise and clear the air. He just left him be. Good. Correct answer Robby, you get a gold star for damage control on the colossal fuck up you’ve created.

He headed out to chairs with McKay, desperately craving time away from all the watchful eyes. This should have been a really good last day, but now the world around him felt muffled and there was a persistent buzzing in his ears. He just wanted to go home.

”Hey, don’t let that in there ruin your last day.” McKay offered as they walked out into the waiting room to collect their next patient. “You’re still going to come out with us later so we can celebrate right?” Oh god. Dennis had forgotten all about that. Everyone had planned to go out to a bar tonight to see him off. All he wanted to do was go home, curl up in bed, and forget that today even happened. He couldn’t bail though. They were throwing this thing for him. Well it should have been for him and Javadi but she couldn’t go to a bar with them.

”Yeah, I’m still coming out tonight.” He tried to smile. His voice came out hollow though, and his smile didn’t quite reach his eyes.

So when 7pm finally came around Dennis took his backpack into the bathroom with him and changed into the jeans and t-shirt he’d brought with him to go to the bar. Everyone was waiting by the nurses station when he finally appeared.

”We thought you’d made a run for it.” Trinity smiled, squeezing him into a side hug.

”And let you guys have all the fun without me? No chance.” His smile was less forced now. It was still a lie, he still just wanted to go home, but he couldn’t disappoint everyone who was here for him. He saw Robby standing at the edge of the group, looking awkward and remorseful. Dennis hoped he wouldn’t be joining the celebration. He was. He watched as he followed the pack out of the building. It was just his luck.

~~~

The bar they ended up at had been chosen by Trinity. It was a dingy dive bar, and she definitely wouldn’t admit it but the only reason she’d chosen the place was because she knew they had a mechanical bull.

”You are so getting on that later.” She grinned mischievously as she shouted into his ear. “You never let me come watch you ride so this is the closest I’ll get to seeing it.” She laughed.

”You never want to come up on your day off!” Dennis defended himself. “I’ve never once said you’re not allowed to.” The group of doctors and nurses had crammed themselves into two booths in the back of the bar. Thankfully for Dennis, Robby was sitting at the other table. On their table they had him, Trinity, Mateo, Donnie, Mel, and Samira. It was a squeeze, but they’d managed to all fit. Dennis watched Robby go up to the bar and hand his card over.

”I’m going to get a drink, what d’you want? First one’s on me.” Trinity asked him. Dennis declined to inform her that it looked like the first drink was on Robby.

”Just a beer. Whatever they’ve got. I’m not fussy.” It was true. His brothers had been pushing beers into his hand since he was 16. He could drink any of them, he didn’t care for a brand or a certain taste, they all tasted the same to him anyway. Trinity came back a minute later with his beer and a glass of something pink for herself. She put the drinks down on the table and put her face to his ear.

”Looks like drinks are on your sugar daddy until he leaves.” She giggled. He smacked her shoulder and made her sit down. “Ow! What was that for?”

”You know why.” He huffed picking up his drink and taking a sip.

An hour had passed and Dennis was sufficiently tipsy. He was still coherent, he could walk in a straight line still, but he could definitely feel the buzz from the drinks everyone had insisted on getting him.

”Dennis, you are getting on that bull and that’s final!” Trinity shouted. She was behind him pushing him towards the mechanical bull by his shoulders. “Plus you can see if he gets a rise out of watching you ‘ride’ something.” She mumbled in his ear. He huffed in response, he wasn’t going to stoop to her level and respond. Everyone was watching as Dennis gave in and jumped up onto the bulls back.

”Whitaker, Whitaker, Whitaker.” The younger ones of the group chanted as the bull set off slowly. He gripped with his thighs, and kept his heels down to keep himself in place. As the bull tipped forwards and back he rolled his hips with the movement, the same way he would when he was cantering. Dennis would never admit it, but he had tried his hand at bull riding a few times. This was nothing compared to the frantic jumping a real bull did.

”Go on, farm boy! Show em what you’re made of.” Trinity cupped her hands and shouted. Dennis gripped the horn with one hand and let the other one fly around next to him. He must have been tipsy because he almost wished he was wearing his cowboy hat right now. Robby was watching him intently, probably waiting for him to fall off and break something. The look on his face was indecipherable. Dennis let out a whoop as the bull sped up, but still he stayed on. It took nearly two minutes to get him to fall off the bull, and in the end it was only because he was getting tired and let himself fall. If he’d have been sober he could have stayed on longer. As he got up off the mat he was laughing, everyone else was cheering for him. He gave a dramatic bow and jumped out of the inflatable ring. He stifled his laugh and looked over at the group of people he was with scanning their faces. There was one missing though. Somewhere in the middle of it all Robby had left. Dennis didn’t want to think about the pit in his stomach it left.

Chapter Text

It was a weird feeling that came over him in the bar. Not jealousy. No. He’d felt that before, he knew how that felt. The blinding hot rage, the feeling of possession. No, this was something else. Something he couldn’t put a finger on, but he didn’t like it. He’d been happy to go along with it all in the beginning. Put his card behind the bar and buy everyone a couple of rounds to see the kid off. He’d even laughed along as Whitaker had been pushed and manhandled towards the mechanical bull. Finally, everyone else would get to experience the shock for themselves that Robby had felt weeks ago. They’d witness firsthand the transformation from timid kid to midwestern cowboy. For once Robby was in on the joke and he’d get to sit back and watch the shock unfold. He watched with anticipation and waited for the show to begin.

Then Whitaker hopped up onto the bull and it all began. He watched intently as the kid rocked back and forth on the bull, his hips keeping steady rhythm with the frantic movements. The way his thighs gripped the sides of the thing where normally he would have stirrups. He heard the cheering and whoops, and that's when it all came crashing down. It was then that Robby realised that he did not want the rest of them to see Dennis like this. This was a part of him that so far only Robby had been given the pleasure of seeing. He did well to compartmentalise his life. Who he was within the hospital and the person he was outside of it. This, here? This was treading too close. The lines were blurring. His two worlds were crashing into each other at this moment and Robby didn’t like it. He wanted everything to stay separate.

His senses were heightening. The music playing over speakers was too loud, the smell of sweat and alcohol was assaulting his senses. Everything was closing in around him. His eyes were fixated on Whitaker. He must have been a lot more tired than he thought.

”I’m gonna head out.” He spoke to Dana beside him. “Tell the kid I said bye.” She gave him a nod and continued watching the spectacle at hand. Robby marched over to the bar and closed out his tab, grimacing slightly at the total that had been racked up. He didn’t look back at Whitaker as he pushed past the group that were walking in as he left. He did hear their cheers as they caught sight of what was currently going on. No, it wasn’t jealousy he felt. This was something new. That pit in his stomach that unequivocally said he’d just lost something that had previously been his.

~~~

They were entering new territory here. That was the feeling Robby had as he drove to the barn the next day. Robby was no longer Whitaker’s boss. They had also parted on not the best terms. He knew he’d fucked up the day before in the trauma bay. He hadn’t heard what he’d said, hadn’t taken into account how the lack of context would make it sound to those around them, but Whitaker certainly had. He saw the hurt and upset on the kids face as everyone around them turned what he’d said into a spectacle.

For the rest of the day Robby had tried to mitigate the damage. He wasn’t sure if Whitaker wanted people knowing about his second job, and Robby certainly didn’t want the gossip mill to get a hand on the fact that he was in therapy, so there was only so much he could say to quell the rumours.

”I think you and I need to have a chat.” The stern voice of Gloria sounded next him as she fell into step beside him. He bit his lip and sighed to quell the groan that was threatening to spill out. Of course it had only taken an hour for the rumour to make its way up to her.

”Yeah. Okay. I have a minute now, shall we take this into the lounge?” He admitted defeat. He needed to get this straightened out. Both his and Whitaker's jobs were on the line here, over a rumour that wasn’t even true, if it had made its way up to Gloria. He led her through to the staff lounge and closed the door behind him.

”Do you want to tell me why there is a rumour circulating that you’ve slept with one of your medical students?” She hissed at him, glaring at him as she spoke.

“It was a complete misunderstanding, I swear.” He held his hands up in defence. “The kid works a second job as a stablehand at a riding stable. I went up there yesterday with a few friends from outside the hospital and I saw him there. It was completely accidental, I had no idea he would be there I swear. That was all I meant, I promise. I shouldn’t have said it the way I did but I didn’t want it being spread around that I’d gone horseback riding. You know what this place is like Gloria. They’d have been making jokes about it for months.” Okay, so maybe he was twisting the truth a little bit, but Gloria did not need to know he was in therapy. That was none of her business.

”You don’t have friends. In or outside of the hospital." She continued to glare at him.

”I have friends.” He defended himself.

”And if I ask Mr Whitaker about this he can corroborate this story?”

”Yes. He will tell you the exact same thing I just have. Hell, I can give you the details of the stable, they’ve probably got the booking on file.” Robby really hoped she wouldn’t call his bluff. He’d have to send a quick text to Izzy and get her to cover for him. She probably would. She’s good like that. Gloria just sighed.

”Okay. I will see what I can do to get this mess sorted out.” She shook her head. “And in future, think about what you’re saying before you open your mouth.” And with that she was gone.

Robby pulled off the main road and onto the stable property. He hadn’t felt anxious like this since his first lesson. Would Whitaker still be mad at him? Would he even be here at all? The kid had already had quite a few drinks before he left the bar the night before, so god knows what state he may have gone home in. Robby wouldn’t have been surprised if Whitaker wasn’t here at all. If he’d called in sick to nurse his hangover. As he pulled his car up though he spotted Whitaker. Stood deep in discussion with Izzy, a riding helmet tucked under his arm. Both of those things struck him as odd. He got out of the car just as Izzy and Whitaker finished their conversation. He watched the way Izzy stroked his arm slightly before going back towards her office.

”Hey. I wasn’t sure if you’d be here today.” He smiled, jogging to catch up with Whitaker who was also walking towards the barn. “You had quite a bit to drink last night, I thought you might still be nursing a hangover.”

”No, I didn't drink much more after you left. I don’t really have the spare cash for it, and Trinity wasn’t as forthcoming with the drinks once she realised she had to start paying for them.” He mumbled. He hadn’t looked at Robby since he’d walked over.

”Hey, Whitaker. I really am sorry about what I said yesterday and how it sounded. I didn’t mean for it to come out that way. You know that right?” Robby rubbed a hand on the back of his own head. Normally he would put a hand on the kids shoulder, give a reassuring squeeze, but that felt like crossing a boundary now.

”Yeah, it's whatever man. Pretty sure they have a betting pool going, but it’s not like I’m there to witness it now so you know.” He scoffed. Robby didn’t like this Dennis. The quiet passive aggression. He knew he’d fucked up, but he wasn’t sure how to make it better. “Look, I’m meant to be taking the Pony Club girls out on a hack, so I’ll see you around.” And just like that the boy was gone.

Robby only saw Whitaker once more that day. He peaked his head out of the barn when he went to go and get his saddle and saw his med student, not his med student anymore he reminded himself, helping one of the young girls up onto her horse. They’d forgone the mounting block and he was just giving the girl a boost up onto the saddle. He watched as Whitaker got himself up onto Mickey, putting his foot into the stirrup and hoisting himself up and over in a show of strength. By the time his session was over the group was still nowhere to be seen. It was the first time he’d left the stable not feeling calmer than where he arrived.

~~~

This wasn’t his usual therapy slot. Robby had scheduled an extra session with his therapist for the next day, and now here he was. For a moment he rested his head against the steering wheel of his car. Just breathing slowly, gearing himself up to go inside. Then, all at once, he composed himself and got out of the car. He could do this. Robby tried to convince himself. This was no different to any other appointment he’d been to. So then why did this one feel so monumental?

”Michael. What brings you in today? This isn’t our usual slot so I assume you have something you wish to talk about?” His therapist smiled as Robby walked in and took a seat in his usual spot. And oh boy did he have things to talk about, the question was where did he begin.

”Well as you know I have been attending equine therapy sessions for the past few weeks.” He began, he might as well go from the beginning.

”Yes. You’ve mentioned a few times that they are helping you.” She nodded.

”Right. Well the place that I’ve been going to I found out that one of my medical students works there.”

”And that is making you uncomfortable?” She asked.

”No. I mean it threw me for a loop when I went to have a look around but it never stopped me from actually beginning the sessions. The kid’s great. He’s been a huge help whilst I’ve been there, and I know he values my privacy enough not to mention it to anybody.” Robby chuckled.

”Then what’s the issue? If this medical student was already there when you began, and you don’t have any anxiety surrounding that then what’s changed that’s causing the anxiety?”

”I’ve always been good at compartmentalising my life. Who I am at the hospital and who I am outside of it, they’ve always been two different people. I can put my life into these separate boxes.” He began to explain.

”And now you feel like the boxes are beginning to mix.” She supplied.

”Nobody at the hospital besides Jack knows I’m doing equine therapy. They don’t know I’m in therapy full stop. This kid, he knows. And that was okay for a while, because nobody knew that he had this job outside of the hospital either. It was like this mutual secret we both had. It never needed to be said but we both understood that we wouldn’t mention it to anybody. Then a few days ago we went out as a group for celebration drinks. The kid had just finished his rotation you see, and I think we all want him to come back for his residency. Anyway we went out for drinks and one of his friends pushes him towards this mechanical bull, and for the first time I realised how close these two worlds are. How much I’ve been teetering on this line between who I am at the hospital and who I am outside of it.”

”You realised you can’t compartmentalise when there’s this overlap in your life.”

”Yeah. I hadn’t noticed it before because the kid’s so different in the two settings that I could almost convince myself it was two different people, but then I saw the person I knew at the barn surrounded by everyone we know at the hospital and it just left this pit in my stomach.” Robby wouldn’t mention the way it left him feeling like something of his had been taken away from him. How he felt like everyone had been let into a secret only he knew up until now. That was something he would discuss another day, when he’d actually let himself think about that first.

”And now your two worlds are blending together. Have you spoken to your med student about this?”

”No. He’s finished his rotation with us now, and we parted ways on not the best terms anyway. I think he’s avoiding me at the barn.” Robby sighed. The words tumbled out before his brain could process them.

”And why do you think that is? Why didn’t you part on good terms?” She pressed him on. Robby sighed, putting his face into his hands.

”I made a vague comment at work in regards to how he behaves at the barn. I didn’t give any details so it came across to everyone else as some sort of sexual euphemism. I tried to apologise to him and I got everything straightened out with the rest of the staff, but I think the whole thing has made him uncomfortable.”

”You were his boss, and his mentor. It’s only natural that something like that, mistake or not, would be upsetting for someone. He is probably feeling embarrassed right now. I’m sure given some time he will come around and understand that you didn’t mean to cause any problems or try to embarrass him.” 

She was right. Robby knew that. But how could he explain that he had only just begun to scratch the surface of understanding this kid. That he had built his walls up so high and that Robby had only just managed to break down the first layer of defense. Now after one fatal mistake he’d built it all back up again, and Robby wasn’t sure if Dennis would be willing to let him get close enough to even try and break them back down a second time. He had to try though. Whitaker had done so much for him in the past month that Robby wasn’t sure how to begin thanking him for. It only seemed fair that he should in turn try to help this boy. He wanted to break past all of those walls. Find out what had made him so guarded in the first place. He was a doctor after all, it was in his nature to want to help. 

Chapter Text

So Izzy knew. He’d explained everything to her before Robby showed up for his lesson on Saturday. He explained to her that he was maybe starting to develop some feelings, and about the incident in the trauma bay at work. He just stood there in the parking lot of the barn and bared his heart to her. That was why he’d asked if he could take the gaggle of younger girls out on a trail ride. It was probably the last hack any of them would go on now until the weather began to pick up in the new year, and Dennis just really wanted to be out of the way of his now former boss for a day. She of course was more than okay to let him go.

”I kind of had an inkling that something was going on.” She’d smiled sympathetically when he explained.

”I won’t let it affect my work, and I’m really hoping that it’s just a passing infatuation that I’ll move on from now that I don’t have to see him everyday.” He chuckled nervously. “I know he’s a client, and I’m really sorry if this makes things awkward.”

”Dennis, you don’t have to apologise for anything. You haven’t done anything wrong, and I think you’re doing the mature thing by removing yourself from the situation for a while.”

”I’m still really mad at him for everything that happened yesterday, and I just want to steer clear for now. I know this place means a lot to him though and I don’t want to ruin that just because I have a stupid crush.”

”You’re a good person Denny. I hope you know that.” They heard the sound of Robby’s car pulling into the parking lot behind them. “Go on, go take those girls out on a hack. Take them up the long route. I’ll radio you when he’s left.” She stroked his arm and gave a small squeeze. It should have been comforting, but it just reminded him of familiar hands.

Now Dennis was hiding. It was kind of pathetic.

”Izzy said you’re taking us on a trail ride!” Katie squealed as Dennis walked out of the barn with Mickey.

”Yeah. Last one of the season. I thought I’d treat my favourite girls. Call it an early Christmas present.” Dennis smiled. He really did love these girls.

”Which trail are you taking us on? Are we going on the one over the creek?” Ashley asked.

”We might be.”

”Why aren’t you wearing your cowboy hat today?” Katie pouted. “You always wear your cowboy hat when you ride.”

”Because I’ll get in trouble if I don’t wear a helmet. I have to set a good example for you girls and make sure everyone’s heads are protected.”

”Then why don’t you always wear a helmet?” God, these girls and their never ending questions were going to be the death of him.

”Because I’ve got nothing up here to protect.” He laughed. He made a big show of opening his mouth in an O shape and knocking on the top of his skull so it made a hollow sound. His uncle used to do the same thing to him when he was a kid. It made the girls giggle. Dennis took his helmet off the horn of his saddle and put it on his head.

”That’s not true.” Claire giggled. “Aaron told us that you’re a doctor which means you’re super smart.”

”I’m not a doctor yet. I will be soon though. So don’t tell them I’ve got no brain, they haven’t figured it out yet.” This garnered another round of giggles from the girls. “Come on, we need to get going if we want to go on the creek trail. Do you girls want me to get the mounting block or should I just give you a boost up to make it quicker?” He knew what their answer would be. The younger kids always thought it was so grown up to have a boost up instead of using the block.

”A boost!” They all simultaneously shouted. Dennis just rolled his eyes in mock annoyance. He tied Mickey to the fence and went over to Claire first. She held her leg up for him and he grasped around her calf.

”Okay. One, two, three. Big jump.” He pushed her up and over. He repeated the action with the other two girls before going back to Mickey and untying him.

”How are you gonna get on?” Ashley asked.

”Just like this.” He put his foot in the stirrup and hoisted himself up. “See. Easy.” Dennis dared to glance back at the barn. Robby was standing in the doorway watching him with a smile. His stomach did a flip. Jesus Christ. He needed to get a hold of himself. 

~~~

When Dennis returned back from the barn that night he flopped down dramatically on the couch next to Trinity.

”Did you talk to him then Huckleberry?" She asked with a sigh.

”No, I hid like a coward.” Dennis pouted leaning on her shoulder. Normally she would have kicked him off of her, she wasn’t big on physical affection at the best of times, but especially when he came back from the barn still stinking of horses and manure. She must have known these were dire times for him.

”I’ll say this with all the love in the world but you, Dennis Whitaker, are a coward.” He groaned. She was right, he knew she was. He just needed some time for the dust to settle before he was able to talk to Robby again. “You’re going to have to talk to him eventually, you know that right?”

”I know.” He whined. “I just want to wait until I’m not mad at him anymore, and until this stupid crush has gone away. Are they still talking about it in the Pitt?” Trinity had been at work that day, so she could keep up on the gossip and let him know how far it had escalated.

”It’s not as bad as it could be.” She tried to ease him into it. “Princess and Perlah are still talking about it, and Samira asked me directly if it was true. I told her it wasn’t by the way, you’re welcome. Overall though no one’s really spoken about it. I think Gloria and Dana have had a word with most people, put an end to it all.”

”So he’s not said anything directly then?”

”I think if he did it would make him look more guilty. Like he was trying to cover it up. Honestly I think whichever way he tried to go he would have looked guilty so you can’t really blame the guy for keeping his mouth shut.”

”Why’re you on his side?” Dennis pouted.

”I’m not. Trust me, I’m not. He shouldn’t have put you in that situation at all, but come on, he’s trying his best. He fucked up, he knows that. You should have seen him, he’s moping about avoiding everyone’s eye. I think he knows how bad this looks for you and I think he really is sorry.”

”He should be. I’m surprised I haven’t had a call from the school about it. They could kick me out for something like this.”

”I doubt you’d get kicked out. If anything he’d lose his job over it.” She tried to reassure him. It wasn’t reassuring. If anything it just made him feel worse, and made him want these feelings to go away. It just further proved why that was something that could never happen. He would not be responsible for Robby losing his job. Not over something as stupid as his feelings. “Go on, you stink. Go have a shower and I’ll order us some food.” She pushed him off of her shoulder. He reluctantly got up off the couch.

Was it possible to drown himself in the shower? That was the thought that crossed his mind as he stood under the stream of hot water. How on earth had he ended up in this situation? It had been less than a week since he’d come to the realisation that he had feelings for his attending and now he was facing work place rumours that the two had slept together. He hadn’t even had any time to enjoy his secret little infatuation. He’d spent the first few days entirely repulsed by the idea, and now everyone thought he’d already hooked up with him. It wasn't fair. Dennis had never so much as looked at a guy more than five years his senior. It wasn't something he thought he’d ever be into. He knew of people who were into that, sure, but it was never something he understood. Now here he was with the world's most inappropriate crush and he couldn’t even enjoy it. The only upside to the whole thing was that it exploded in his face on his last day in the ER. He wouldn’t have to mourn the loss of hands on his shoulders, he wouldn’t have to see the way Robby would avoid him at work to lower speculation. That, at least, he could be thankful of. He still wanted this whole ordeal to end though. He was caught in a catch 22. Either he could spend the rest of his time at the barn avoiding Robby at all cost and pray this whole thing blew over, or he could spend what little time he had with the man and pray this whole thing didn’t spiral out of control. He sighed and tried to forget about the whole thing whilst he cleaned himself up.

When he finally emerged from the shower, all clean and pink, there was a pizza sitting on the coffee table for him.

”Just arrived a few minutes ago.” Trinity informed him. Her own pizza was in her lap as she bit into a slice. Dennis sat back down on the couch next to her and grabbed his food off the table. On the TV Love Island was playing. If you’d have told Dennis on his first day in the ED that Trinity Santos was secretly a lover of trash reality TV he’d have said you were lying. Yet here they were. She knew all of the people on their screen, their backstories, who was hooking up with who. It was enough to make him laugh. So they sat there, food in their laps as Dennis asked repeatedly who each person was and what they were doing. Each time Trinity would just roll her eyes and explain it all to him anyway. He must have done something really good in a previous life to end up with someone like Trinity in this one.

~~~

This was it. His last rotation. The final hurdle before he qualified as an R1. His last first day of rotations. He was so grateful he’d left family medicine for last. The shifts felt like a dream compared to the twelve weeks he’d just spent in the ED. He was going to be working Monday to Friday, 9am to 4pm. The next month of his life was going to be a walk in the park. Easy shifts, no split second traumas, and most importantly no Robby as a lingering distraction.

”Hello, welcome. My name is Dr Mathews for our new medical students joining us.” Dr Mathews greeted them when the three medical students arrived at the nurses station. There was Dennis, another MS4 and an MS3 on this rotation. “Welcome to Family Medicine. In a moment I will be assigning you to one of our residents, you will be shadowing them for the day.” 

Family medicine was a lot smaller than the Pitt, but that was to be expected.

”I’m Dominic Levy, by the way. Everyone calls me Dom.” Dom, the second MS4, held his hand out for Dennis to shake.

”Dennis Whitaker. Everyone just calls me Whitaker.” Dennis chuckled. He felt awkward explaining that he knew who Dom was, that they’d had multiple classes together for years. Dr Mathews began walking them through the ward, explaining the ins and outs of the day to them as he did rounds.

”So, last rotation. You got any ideas about your specialty?” Dom whispered as they followed their attending.

”I’m leaning towards emergency medicine, but I’m also thinking about Paediatrics and Orthopaedics.” Dennis answered truthfully.

”Emergancy medicine. Wow. Brutal place. I did my rotation there last year, felt like I could sleep for a year once I finished.”

”Yeah, I just finished my rotation there last week.”

”No way.” Dom looked at him, then the realization hit him. “Jesus, you weren’t there when the festival shooting happened were you?”

”Yeah, my first day actually.”

”Now that is a baptism by fire.” He chuckled.

”Mr Levy, something you wish to share with the rest of us?” Dr Mathews asked, raising an eyebrow at the man stood beside Dennis.

”No sir. Sorry.” So that was how it was going to be then. There was no more back and forth banter on the ward here. Dr Mathews was the no nonsense type. That was okay, Dennis had worked under more than enough doctors like this. Truly Dr Robby had been the outlier in it all. He only had four weeks left. He could keep his head down and get through these last four weeks.

Chapter Text

He had to talk to Whitaker. It had been over a week since the incident in the trauma bay and the guilt was eating him alive. The kid hadn’t been at the barn on Thursday when he went for his session, but that was understandable since he was now working Monday to Friday in Family Medicine. He needed to talk to him today though. He needed to get this whole mess sorted out and apologise. It was the right thing to do after all. He’d never meant to cause any upset and he couldn’t stand to see Whitaker avoid him anymore. Robby was just beginning to understand this kid, he wanted to learn more. It was odd, he had this innate curiosity to know everything about him. To learn the ins and outs of him. Over the past month he had caught several glimpses of the man and he craved to know it all. Dennis Whitaker was an enigma to him and he wanted to learn everything there was to know about him.

His mission was simple. Try to catch Whitaker alone and explain to him that he along with Gloria had put a stop to the whole thing. That he had explained, without going into too much detail, what he had meant and that nobody actually believed they’d slept together. He could do that. He could get this whole thing sorted out; and then maybe they could go back to the way they were before. Robby really hoped they could. He could be a good mentor for this kid, in the way Adamson had been a mentor to him, and how he’d tried to be a mentor to Frank before he nearly threw his career away. He wanted to be a mentor to him, help him become a great doctor.

~~~

Whitaker was nowhere in sight when Robby arrived at the barn. He had an awful suspicion the kid was avoiding him. It was understandable really, Robby would have done the same in his situation. So he would make it his mission to find him. The first thing he did was subtly check the arena’s and the round pen. All three were pretty easy to see from the parking lot, so he could check those without raising suspicion. Whitaker wasn’t in any of them. Then he headed towards the barn. He kept a sharp listen out for the man's voice, but to no avail. He must be out in one of the fields doing something. Oh well, he would just hang around after his session was done. Instead he got to work grooming Blaze.

The tell-tale sound of Whitaker’s voice filtering through the barn came as Robby was getting Blaze’s saddle off of the saddle rack in the tack room. He walked out of the room, saddle in hand, and saw Whitaker in the aisle. The kid spotted him, he made a beeline towards the hayloft.

”Ah, ah, ah.” Robby spoke, grabbing hold of Whitaker’s wrist. “Please, just give me a minute to talk.”

”I’ve got a lot to do. I really don’t have the time.” Whitaker sighed, staring down at where Robby had grabbed him. Robby let go. He was coming off too strong.

”This will only take a minute. I swear.” Whitaker seemed to debate it for a moment, and then huffed in defeat.

”Yeah, okay. Go on then.”

”I know I said it last week, but I just want to say it again that I am really sorry. I wasn’t thinking before I spoke and I whole heartedly didn’t think about how what I said came across. I shouldn’t have put you in that position and I’ve cleared everything up with Gloria and the rest of the staff. I did have to tell people you work here though, so I’m sorry if that makes you uncomfortable.”

”I don’t care that people know I work here.” He mumbled, although looking confused. As though wondering why that would be something he’d be embarrassed about.

”I really don’t want this to be something that stops you from applying to join us for your residency, because everyone thinks you’d be a great addition to the team, and I think you have the ability to be a great doctor. Please kid. I’ll get down on my knees and beg if I have to. I really am sorry.” Robby was already begging, so what was a little bit more? He wasn’t sure why this was affecting him so much, he just felt he had to make it right. Whitaker’s cheeks flushed red.

”You don’t have to do that.” He all but whispered.

”So we’re okay then?” Robby smiled. Come on. He just needed Whitaker to smile for him.

”I mean the rumour doesn’t seem to have made it out of the Pitt, so. Yeah. Okay, sure. We’re okay.” He cracked half a smile. It was good enough for Robby. “But for god’s sake please think before you speak next time. I thought I was going to get a phone call off the dean telling me I’d been kicked out of the program.”

”I will do. I promise.” It was as though a weight had been lifted off of Robby’s chest. He could have jumped for joy if his knees would have let him. “I’ll let you work. I have to tack up.”

~~~

Snow began to fall thick and fast. He had only been in the arena ten minutes when the first flakes began to fall. Another ten minutes later and they were calling off his lesson because the snow was settling. As he took Blaze back into the stable the snow was picking up speed. Coming down thicker and heavier with every second. This was the beginning of a storm, and one that was going to get bad quickly. The ground around him was already white as he walked back into the barn. Robby’s heart went out for everyone who was on shift at PTMC right now. They were going to be in for a long night.

Robby could hear Dennis on the phone as he untacked Blaze. He sounded stressed. It was understandable, this snow storm had come out of nowhere, and Robby knew that he didn’t have a car.

”Everything okay kid?” He called out once he stopped hearing Whitaker talking.

”Yeah. It’s nothing. The buses have stopped running, so it looks like I’m gonna be walking back tonight.” He sighed.

”Can you not get a ride home with someone?”

”Izzy’s the only one who drives because everyone else lives nearby, but she left at lunch.” Whitaker explained.

”I could drive you home?” The question popped out before Robby could even think about it. Of course he’d offer to drive the kid home. He couldn’t let him walk home in this weather. He’d freeze to death.

”That’s really nice of you Robby, but I don’t know when I’m gonna be able to leave here. I didn’t take my keys with me this morning because I thought Trinity would be home before me, but now she’s stuck at the hospital for god knows how long because some of the night shift can’t get in.” Robby kind of wanted to throttle this kid. Who leaves home without their keys and just expects someone to be in when they get back?

”You’re kidding right?” He asked incredulously.

”I don’t do it very often, just when I know Trinity’s going to be home.” He tried to defend himself. Robby mulled over it for a second. He couldn’t leave him here in this weather. Already the barn was freezing, he couldn’t leave Whitaker out in the cold on the off chance that Santos would be able to leave the hospital before midnight.

”Come back to mine for a bit. Just until Santos gets home and then I’ll drive you back to yours.”

”Oh, no. You really don’t have to do that.” Whitaker tried to turn him down. Robby had already made up his mind though. There was no way he was leaving this barn without him.

”Kid, I’m not leaving you here to freeze to death. There’s no heating in this barn and that snow’s coming down hard.”

”Izzy has a space heater in her office. I can camp out there.” He shrugged, as though he had this all planned out.

”No. No, I can’t in good conscience let you stay here. Please, just let me take you in for the night so I know that you’re safe.”

~~~

So for a second time Robby had Dennis Whitaker in the passenger seat of his car with the heater blaring. He looked just as uncomfortable now as he did the first time. Fiddling with his hands in his lap, staring out the window next to him to avoid any awkward conversation. Robby wanted to know when he became so reliant on himself. When he stopped asking for help because he thought it wasn’t going to be given. This kid who spent months hopping between shelters, who was willing to hole up in an office with a space heater during a snow storm. How long has he been living in survival mode just trying to make it through to a new day? All of these thoughts raced through his head as they drove slowly through the snow back to Robby’s house.

”Please stop looking at me like that.” Whitaker whispered from beside him.

”Like what?” Robby feigned ignorance. Were his thoughts so clearly etched on his face? Could Whitaker see every thought he’d been thinking.

”Like I’m some stray dog you’ve just found on the side of the road. Like I need taking care of.” And, oh. Robby did kind of want to take care of him. Make sure he ate, that he kept warm. This kid had his whole life in front of him, he didn’t want to see him fall through the cracks because he’d hit a hard patch.

”Sorry. I don’t mean to kid. I just worry about you.” Whitaker scoffed, and Robby wanted to pick that apart. Ask him why he thought it was so absurd that someone could care. What had happened to him that he truly thought no one would care if he went cold that night? “What happened to you?” The words tumbled out before Robby could stop them. The question felt like a loaded gun, hanging in the air around them. Dennis just went back to staring out the window.

The rest of the car ride was silent. Robby pretended not to notice the way Whitaker couldn’t look at him. He’d overstepped again. The kid was shutting down in front of him. He pulled up on the street outside his townhouse. It was a modest place, with two bedrooms and an office. It had been listed as three bedrooms but he’d turned the smallest room into his office instead. Robby didn’t need three bedrooms. He had his room and a room for Jake whenever he wanted to stay for the night. Although he hadn’t been around since September. He got out of the car and waited for Whitaker to follow him up to the house.

”Oh, I should have mentioned that I have a cat. You’re not allergic are you?” Robby’s hand faltered on the door handle.

”I’m not allergic.” Whitaker muttered, head still down towards the ground.

”She’s not really mine, she’s Jake’s. He found her a few years ago and his mom wouldn’t let him keep it so I said it could live here.” Why did he feel the need to explain that to him? They stepped into the house and the calico came running over to wind around Robby’s feet. A soft purring echoed through the hall. Robby picked her up and gave her a scratch behind her ear.

”What’s her name?” Whitaker asked. He was taking his boots off at the door.

”Jellybean. Jake told me he lured her out from under a bush with some jellybeans he’d bought and the name stuck.” Robby explained, chuckling at the memory. The cat jumped out of his arms and he took the time to take his own coat off and hang it up on the coat rail. Whitaker stood there, in his hallway, hands in his pockets looking uncomfortable. He needed this boy to relax, he looked like he was ready to dart at any moment. “Feel free to go take a shower, you can use Jake’s bathroom. He’s still got some clothes here that should fit you.” Whitaker looked like he was about to protest. Tell Robby that he was fine and that he didn’t need to do that. Robby just gave him a look as if to tell him not to argue. Whitaker just deflated again.

”Yeah, okay. Thank you.” He said instead.

”It’s upstairs, first door on the left. I don’t have much in the way of food, but I’ll find something to eat.” He explained. Whitaker just nodded before heading up the stairs. Robby headed through to the kitchen.

~~~

Whitaker came back downstairs some time later. His hair was still damp and fluffy from where he’d tried to dry it with a towel. He was wearing a pair of Jake’s sweatpants and one of his t-shirts. Robby was finishing up making some canned soup he found in a cupboard. It wasn’t the best thing he could make, but it felt like a safe option given he didn’t have a whole lot in.

”Well you definitely smell better kid.” He smiled as he placed out two bowls.

”Sorry.” He muttered.

”Oh, no need to apologise. I was only joking.” Robby needed to lift the tension in the room, if only for the fact that he was scared the kid was going to bolt out the door and into the snow. “I made soup. It’s not much but I wasn’t expecting company.” He pushed the bowl towards Whitaker.

”Thank you.” Whitaker smiled and sat down at the island. They fell into silence once again, eating next to each other.

”I wasn‘t planned for.” Whitaker said, staring intently at his spoon. Robby froze in place. He could barely breath, scared to break the moment. Whitaker was speaking. He was opening up. He felt like a hunter watching a deer from the tree line. One sudden movement and he would disappear again.

”What d’you mean?” He asked once his brain caught up with him.

”My parents. They had my three older brothers quite close together. There’s two years between my oldest and the middle, and three between the middle and youngest. They were happy after three, but then five years later I happened. I wasn’t planned for, I was an accident. There’s a ten year age gap between me and my oldest brother.” Robby wasn’t sure what to do with this information. Why Dennis was offering it up at all. He would sit and listen though, because the kid was talking and that’s what Robby had wanted for weeks.

”Okay.” He wasn’t sure what else to say. He just knew he needed to fill the space, offer up something to let Whitaker know he could continue talking.

”I wasn’t unloved, if that’s what you’re thinking. I was. My parents loved me. I was just unexpected. Another mouth to feed. They were comfortable with my brothers. They hadn’t planned for any more. I tried my hardest to be perfect. I went to church every Sunday, I played little league because my father wanted me to. I worked on the farm after my brothers started families of their own. I always felt like a burden to them though.” The admittance made Robby’s heart twist. A kid who knew he was loved but never felt like he was enough. “I watched the way they’d struggle over money. They’d sit at the dining table trying to make everything work every month, and I just knew. I knew if they didn’t have me to account for everything would be so much easier. Even as a kid I knew that. So I didn’t go out with friends, and I quit little league so they didn’t have to pay for it anymore. I worked my ass off in school so I’d get a scholarship for college, but then I got there and I fell in love with medicine. They said they couldn’t afford to put me through med school and I said it wasn’t a problem, that I could figure it out myself. I know they’re proud of me, I just can’t bear to tell them how bad the situation got for me to get here. I’m embarrassed, I think.” The words tumbled out of him. Like once that first crack was made the flood gates opened. Robby wanted to wrap the kid up, tell him everything was okay, and he should have never had to be burdened with that as a child. He didn’t though. Instead he put his hand on Dennis’ shoulder and gave a squeeze, massaging the muscles that were strung tight there.

”That is a lot of pressure for a kid to go through.” He mused.

”When I told them I’d received a scholarship to college they were so proud of me, but when I told them I wanted to go to med school I could see them running the numbers in their head. I was ready to give it all up there and then. I just wanted to be able to provide for them. Repay them for everything, but I didn’t know how much money it would take to become a doctor and I maxed out all the financial aid I could get. Everything I was getting was going towards my courses and textbooks, I didn’t have enough to live on, and I couldn’t bring myself to phone home and ask for help. Everytime I thought about it I remembered them sitting at the table counting up money for the month to make sure we had enough. I couldn’t do it to them again.”

”Dennis, they’re your parents. You don’t have to repay them for anything. That’s not your job.”

”Maybe. I just feel like I should. For all the trouble I caused them.” That one felt like a punch to the gut. How could someone, knowingly or otherwise, make their own child feel like such a burden that they felt the need to repay them for just being born. For simply existing. It left a sour taste in Robby’s mouth. This kid was so good, so kind. No wonder he hadn’t wanted anyone to know he was homeless. The poor kid thought he needed to repay every cent that was ever given to him. It was a lot to take in. It also made sense now why he’d been so reluctant to let Robby buy him dinner that time.

The snow outside had made everything quiet. It was dampening the noises around them and left the world in an eerie silence. Robby could see the heavy flakes still coming down outside the kitchen window. It wasn’t going to stop anytime soon. Periodically Whitaker would check his phone, see if there was any update from Santos. Robby knew there wouldn’t be. If people couldn’t get in earlier they certainly wouldn’t now. She would probably be at the hospital until morning.

”It’s getting late. Santos probably won’t get out of the hospital until morning now. Why don’t you just stay over. Sleep in Jake’s room, he won’t mind.”

Chapter Text

Dennis watched out of Jake’s bedroom window as the snow fluttered around the street lamps. Robby was right. Trinity wouldn’t be getting out of the hospital anytime soon. What was he doing here? He wondered as he took in the room so evidently belonging to a teenage boy. Just that morning he’d been content to steer clear of Robby all together. To let his crush fizzle out. Now he was in the man’s home. He’d gone into detail about his upbringing. Well, not detail exactly. There were multiple parts he’d skillfully left out, but he didn’t need to tell Robby everything. He wasn’t exactly sure why he’d told Robby any of it at all. He’d told the man things that night that he hadn’t even told Trinity yet. This was bad. He was getting in too deep here and if he wasn’t careful he wouldn’t be able to pull himself back out. He was currently walking on a precipice, one move in the wrong direction and he would fall into the abyss.

He sat down on Jake’s bedspread, still feeling uncomfortable in the room. This place that was so evidently someone else’s. It wouldn’t have been too bad if Robby had a guest room, but this was his almost step son’s room. A kid who was less than ten years younger than him. Half the age gap between himself and the man he was shamefully pining over. Dennis could hear Robby in the room next door. He could hear the faucet running in the bathroom, indicating Robby was getting ready for bed. He wondered what he was wearing. If he wore pajamas, or just sweatpants. Did he sleep in just his underwear? No, he needed to get that thought out of his mind. That was too risky of a thought to have in this current moment. Instead he just laid down, still wearing the sweatpants and T-shirt he’d changed into, not daring to take any clothes off. He would definitely overheat in the night, but it felt altogether safer than the alternative. Dennis crawled under the comforter, closed his eyes, and tried not to think about the fact that the room —the whole house— smelt so distinctly of Robby.

~~~

It took Dennis a moment to realise where he was when he woke up the next morning. In a half asleep daze he buried his nose into the comforter and breathed in the heavy scent. He must have still been sleeping. Only in his dreams did the scent of Robby envelope him so much. Dennis shot upright in a start. He was not asleep. He was not in his own home even, but in Robby’s. He was in Jake’s room, and had moments earlier been breathing in the smell of Jake’s bedspread. That fact had Dennis feeling disgusted with himself. Sure, the sheets seemed pristine. As though they hadn’t been slept in since the last time they were washed, but Jesus Christ. Dennis was appalled with himself. He needed to get out of here.

He grabbed his phone off of the nightstand by the bed and let his eyes focus on the screen. One text and a missed call, both from Trinity.

‘I don’t know where you slept last night, but I got home an hour ago. If I’m asleep when you get back, call me and wake me up. The door’s locked.’ The text read. Dennis looked at the time. 8:30. Izzy probably wouldn’t expect him to get into work today, but Dennis really needed to get his mind off of the last twelve hours, and he didn’t want to wake Trinity up so soon after she’d gotten home. He could just walk up to the barn if the buses weren’t running. It was fine.

After a quick shower he changed back into his barn clothes from the day before and made his way downstairs. He’d make a quick escape. Leave a note for Robby telling him he’d gone back home, and push Robby’s house key through the mail slot on his way out. He crept down the stairs quietly. He didn’t want to wake Robby up. His plan was quickly thwarted though, because Robby was already downstairs making breakfast.

”Good morning kid. Do you want any breakfast? I was just making some.” Robby smiled from the kitchen at the end of the hall.

”Oh, that’s okay. I need to get to work. Thank you for the offer though.” Dennis was still trying to make his speedy escape.

”Oh, no you don’t.” Robby chastised him. “The buses still aren’t up and running. So, come and eat something and I’ll drive you up there.” Dennis wanted to scream. He wanted to get as far away from this house as possible and never come back. He shouldn’t know what the inside of Robby’s house looked like, and he definitely shouldn’t be sitting down to eat breakfast with him.

”You don’t have to do that, Robby. Really it’s fine. It’s not too far of a walk, I really don’t mind.” He tried to argue.

”Whitaker, it is 30 degrees out there. I can’t in good faith let you walk an hour in this weather. Even without that, people will be driving like maniacs in this snow. Do you think I’d forgive myself if you left and a car skidded off the road and hit you? Let me drive you in so I at least have it on my conscience that you’ve made it there safely.” This wasn’t fair. Life wasn’t fair. Dennis was doing everything in his power not to have inappropriate feelings for one Michael Robinavich and this man was unknowingly undoing it all at every step. He wanted to cry. What had he done to deserve this torture?

”Okay. Fine.” He gave up and walked through to the kitchen to sit down.

”Good. Eat up and I’ll drive you over.” Dennis sulked as he ate the meal presented before him.

~~~

They didn’t speak in the car ride up to the barn, but that wasn’t unusual. This was Dennis’ third time in Robby’s car now, and they never really spoke during their journeys. That was fine by Dennis. He couldn’t cope with the idea of revealing more about himself. Robby just had a way of getting it out of him. He wasn’t sure how he did it. All Robby had to do was look at him with those big curious eyes and suddenly Dennis was spilling his life story for him. The worst part was Robby seemed to drink it in every time. Like he was desperate to know Dennis on that level. That was not helping matters in the slightest. If Dennis weren’t so good at controlling himself he might have been able to kid himself into believing Robby liked him back. He would not think that though. That was a dangerous thought and one that would lead to heartbreak. The older man had made no indication of such a thing and to think that would only set Dennis up for failure. So he kept that feeling tucked down deep inside, and vowed not to let any more of his secrets bubble to the surface. He could do that. Surely it couldn’t be that hard.

They pulled off the main road and onto the stable property. The place was nearly deserted. It was only 9am, and presumably most people would have rescheduled their lessons until after the snow started to clear. The horses still needed tending to though, so Dennis still had to work. Izzy would have given him the day off, been understanding if he’d said he couldn’t make it in given the circumstances, but Dennis wanted to be here. Here was away from Robby, at least it would be once his car drove back down the road and off the property.

”Thank’s for the ride. I really appreciate it.” Dennis smiled as he undid his seatbelt ready to exit the car.

”One second kid.” Robby stopped him in his tracks. “Pass me your phone.”

”Why?” Dennis asked.

”Because I’m going to give you my phone number. I was serious earlier. I don’t want you trying to walk home in this weather. I have seen enough accidents in my time and I don’t want you being added to that list. I’m off today, so when you finish work later, call me and I’ll come drive you home.”

“You really don’t need to do that. Izzy’s here today so I can hitch a ride back with her-“ Robby cut him off.

”I’m not arguing with you kid. I know what you’re like. You’ll say you’re driving back with Izzy and in reality you’ll just walk home because you don’t want to bother anyone. I’m offering. So, call me when you finish and I’ll pick you up. Pass me your phone.” He spoke in that authoritative tone he only used with patients when they weren’t listening to him. Dennis unlocked his phone and handed it over. He watched as Robby put on his glasses, went into his contacts, and punched his number in before handing it back to him. Dennis got out of the car without saying anything.

He waited until the car was out of sight before he let out a guttural groan. One from deep in his chest. All the frustration and annoyance coming up to the surface in that one noise. Why did he have to be so nice?

”What’s got your panties in a twist then?” Izzy chuckled as she walked over.

”I hate him so much. He is killing me and he has no idea he’s doing it.” Dennis whined.

”Ah.” Izzy nodded knowingly. “I thought that was Robby’s car.”

”He let me stay over at his house last night, because I forgot my keys to my apartment and Trinity had to stay late at the hospital; and then this morning he insisted on driving me here instead of just letting me walk, and now he wants to come and pick me up tonight and drive me home. The universe is mocking me.” Dennis whined. “He’s being so nice, and I kind of hate him for it because I’m trying so hard not to like him and he’s just making it so hard.”

”Wow. You’ve got it rough.” Izzy chuckled. Dennis glared at her. This was no laughing matter. “Why don’t you come and give us a hand. Everything’s cancelled for the day so we’re exercising everyone in the indoor arena.”

~~~

Dennis stared at his phone as the last hour of his shift crept by. Realistically what would happen if he just didn’t text Robby? The thought had crossed his mind at least a dozen times that day. Would he get away with it if he didn’t text him?

”Just send the message.” Izzy sighed, as though reading his mind. “You’ve been staring at your phone on and off for the last fifteen minutes.”

”What d’you think will happen if I don’t?” Dennis pondered.

”I mean. I don’t know him as well as you, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he doesn’t just show up here.” She shrugged. They were almost done for the day. They were doing the last hay nets for the night and then they’d be locking up. “Just text him and get it over with.” That was not the answer he was looking for. Izzy should have been on his side. She should be the one helping him get out of this situation, tell him that having a crush on his much older attending was a bad idea and would only go badly in the long run. She should not have been entertaining this.

”Why are you encouraging this? You should be the one telling me this is a bad idea and that I shouldn’t do it.”

”I’m not encouraging it. I’m saying take the ride home. You’re a grown man Dennis, you’re in control of your own feelings.” Reluctantly Dennis pulled up Robby’s contact.

‘Hi. It’s Dennis-’ No. Robby rarely called him Dennis, he deleted the message. ‘Hi. It’s Whitaker. I finish work in about an hour if you’re still insistent on driving me home.’ That was too passive aggressive. He deleted the message again. ‘Hi. It’s Whitaker. Just letting you know I finish work in about an hour. Izzy’s said she can drive me home if you’re busy though.’

“Read that and tell me if it’s okay.” He pushed his phone towards Izzy. She read through the text.

”First of all, I never offered to drive you home. But yes. That’s fine.” She tapped his phone. “Oh and it’s sent.” She chucked his phone back at him. He fumbled to catch it.

”Izzy!” He gasped incredulously. The ping indicating a response was almost instantaneous.

‘I’ll be there in forty minutes.’

~~~

Robby’s car pulled up outside Trinity’s apartment.

”Thanks for the ride.” Dennis smiled trying to be cordial, despite the turmoil that was going on inside his head.

”No problem. Happy to do it.” Robby told him without a care in the world. This was just who Robby was, Dennis reminded himself. He’s a good guy who just wanted to help him out. He got out of the car and headed towards his front door, through the lobby and up the stairs. They lived in a relatively new building, purpose built, with a modern feel to it. Trinity didn’t have the best relationship with her mother, she found her overbearing, but the woman paid half of Trinity’s rent every month. He got to their door and was relieved to find it unlocked. Trinity was awake at least.

”Who dropped you off?” Trinity asked as he opened the door. God, could she not let him get inside first.

”Were you spying on me?”

”I was in the kitchen. I saw you out the window as you got out. Answer the question.” She demanded, pointing to the seat next to her. Reluctantly he sat down. He couldn’t lie to her. He’d tried before, she saw straight through him.

”Robby dropped me off.” He sighed.

”Is that where you stayed last night? Have you been with him all day?”

”No!” Dennis objected. “I have not been with him all day. I’ve been at work, he just drove me home since the buses aren’t running.”

”Then where did you stay last night?”

”I stayed at Robby’s, but it’s not like that I swear!” He rushed to defend himself before Trinity got a word in edge ways. “He was at the barn yesterday and heard when you called me to say you wouldn’t be home. I stayed in Jake’s room. Then this morning he drove me to work and insisted he drove me home if the buses still weren’t running.” He explained.

”Jake, his kind of step son? The one who’s girlfriend died at Pittfest?”

”Yes. Jesus! You don’t have to word it like that.”

”God, what are you his wife? He drives you to work and picks you up at the end of your shift.” She laughed.

”Don’t laugh!” He couldn’t help it. He was laughing now himself. “This is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. I know what his house looks like. I have no chance of getting over this crush now.”

”Oh Huckleberry. Are you hoping he’ll start packing you a lunch in the morning and give you a kiss before you leave for work?” She cooed, making kissy faces at him. She was obviously trying to wind him up.

”Do not put ideas in my head.” He was still laughing, pushing her face away from him.

Chapter Text

The snow didn’t begin to melt for the next ten days. The buses were back up and running the day after Robby drove Whitaker home, but the stable couldn’t use the outdoor arenas with the current weather. They'd had to put all lessons on hold until the snow began to clear. 

In that time Robby had texted Whitaker a few times. The kid was gearing up for his residency interviews and Robby had wanted to know how he was getting on with them. He’d already applied for twenty positions, and he was in the middle of writing up his applications for another thirty more. That was something Robby didn’t miss. The gruelling slog of trying to find a residency after you’d finished medical school. He tried to help him as much as he could by going over his references and telling him which ones made him stand out the most. He also gave him pointers on which hospitals had good reputations and which ones he should steer clear of. It wasn’t missed on Robby that Whitaker was only applying for places on the east coast. He didn’t want to go back home to the Midwest. Robby didn’t want to pry but he had a sneaking suspicion that Dennis hadn’t told him everything about his family situation. Why would he? He reminded himself. They weren’t friends, not really. Sometimes Robby felt like they were on their way to being friends, but they weren’t quite there yet. He was still just his former boss.

Now his sessions at the barn were back on, and Robby had arranged to take Whitaker out for dinner that evening to go over his final applications. Whitaker only had a week left of Family Medicine and then he would be officially done with clinical rotations. He was in the home stretch. It only felt right that Robby should help him get into a good program; and if Whitaker only had one level 1 trauma centre in his list of applications —said trauma centre being PTMC— then who was Robby to mention it?

~~~

Snow still lined the grass banks on either side of the road as Robby pulled into North Pittsburgh Stables. Everywhere else in the city it had turned to grey slush, but up here it was still pristine and white. The green tips of grass were poking through the blanket of snow indicating it would be gone in a day or two, as quickly as it had come it would be gone again. He pulled into his regular spot and was hit with how quiet the place was. There was no usual hustle and bustle of barn life today. In fact no one was outside at all. He pulled the collar of his Patagonia fleece up around his neck to shield himself from the brisk wind that was cutting through the air as he jogged towards the barn. Inside was just as quiet as outside. Whitaker was here though. You couldn’t keep that boy away from this place.

”Where is everyone?” He asked as he walked down the aisle.

”We’re running a bit of a skeleton crew at the minute.” He explained from inside one of the stalls. He was hoisting a hay net up onto the wall. “It’s just me, Aaron, and Izzy today. Everyone else is either away for the holidays or out sick.” He explained, wiping the residual hay off his pants.

”That’s a lot of work for the three of you.” Robby mused.

”Oh, it’s not too bad. We’ve only got three lessons today, and all the horses are in for the winter now. It’s actually a pretty easy time of the year.” Whitaker told him. Robby just nodded.

”Are you still good to go over applications later after your shift?”

”Yeah. I finish at six today. You can either hang around here until then, or you can come back and pick me up. I don’t mind either way.” It was easy, comfortable. A far cry from where they had begun. When Robby practically had to drag the kid out to dinner with him to make sure he’d eaten. So maybe they weren’t quite friends yet, but they’d definitely cross the line from mentor and mentee into something else.

For the first time since Robby had begun his sessions he was riding in the indoor arena. The first thing he noticed was how much bigger it felt than the other two. They’d told him on his first day that this was the biggest of the three, but it wasn’t until he was in here did he realise how much bigger it actually felt. He had come a long way with his riding. He could confidently transition from a walk to a trot, and he was starting to try and post a little bit. He couldn’t get the hang of posting on the right leg yet. They’d ask him to feel which leg was leading and he just couldn’t grasp how you were meant to feel that.

”Hey Arron!” Whitaker shouted from the doorway. Aaron turned his attention from Robby to him. “Can I try an exercise with him? It might help him get a better feel for counting strides and finding his leading leg.”

”Yeah man. Go for it.” Aaron shouted, ushering Whitaker into the arena. Robby watched as Whitaker moved two jump poles into the centre of the arena, counting out steps between the poles, and moving them to where he wanted them.

”Okay, Robby. I’m gonna have you try something.” The kid called out to him. “I want you to turn onto the centre line in a minute and just walk over the poles. When you do it I want you to pick one of Blaze’s legs and feel it with your own, feel it move forward. I’d pick one of the front ones. When the leg moves forward that’s a stride. I just want you to count the strides in between the two poles. Understand?”

”Yeah. I think I get it.” Robby nodded. Whitaker was standing next to Aaron now, armed crossed over his chest looking intent. Robby turned Blaze down the centre line. He felt the way the front left leg moved beneath him. As he crossed the first pole he began to count in his head. Each time that front leg moved forward he added another number to his tally.

”Good. How many strides was that?” Whitaker asked.

”Six?” Robby asked. It was more a question than a statement.

”Good. You see how you can feel it? D’you want to try it again at a walk, or do you want to try a trot this time?”

”I’ll go for a trot kid.” Robby smiled. He wondered why Whitaker was only a stablehand and not an instructor. He was a natural teacher.

”Okay. So walk him around, ask for the trot on the long line and then again bring him down the centre. You’re going to do this in a sitting trot first. Same thing as before as you come over the first pole start counting until you come over the second one.” Robby nodded at the instructions and did as Whitaker said. This time he counted four strides. “Good. So to make sure you’re on your correct diagonal you want to rise and fall with the outside leg, so the leg closest to the rail. Feel that outside leg, when it goes forward you go up, when it comes back you go down. Wanna give it a try?”

Robby decided to hang around the stable until Whitaker finished his shift once his lesson was over. He enjoyed spending time in the barn, and it didn’t make much sense to go home just to come back up in an hour or so anyways. He hovered in the aisle as Dennis went stall to stall with a wheelbarrow and a fork cleaning out the mess from inside each one. He was even allowed to pitch in and help give out the evening meals to some of them. Robby took great pride in taking Blaze his dinner and watching him eat. If you’d have asked him six months ago if he ever envisioned his life being like this he would have laughed at you, but now he couldn’t imagine doing anything else. The slow, quiet nature of the place. It put his mind at ease in a way nothing ever had before.

~~~

They’d decided to play it safe and go back to the diner they went to the last time they got food together. It was a short distance from the barn, so they were only in the car for ten minutes before they were pulling off the road into the parking lot. Dennis grabbed his backpack from the footwell, it contained his laptop with all his applications, and jumped out of Robby’s car. This time they walked side by side. A far cry from how they’d been the first time around. A waitress showed them over to a booth and Whitaker got to work unpacking and setting up his laptop on the table.

”Any drinks to start you off today?” The waitress smiled. They both rattled off their orders. The same as they had last time. Coffee, no cream, two sugars for Robby and a Dr Pepper for Whitaker. They were both creatures of habit it seemed.

Whitaker turned his laptop for Robby to see.

”Okay, so I think I’m happy with these applications. Can you just proofread them for me and make sure they all sound okay?” The waitress came back with their drinks and left menus on the edge of the table for them. Neither of them needed to look, they knew what they were ordering. Robby clicked through the applications, reading each one intently. They were good. He’d catered each one to the specific hospital and added in the relevant recommendation letters. All of his applications were to emergency medicine. Robby didn’t want to ask why PTMC wasn’t in the pile. “I don’t want you to proofread my application to The Pitt.” Dennis supplied anyway, as though he could read Robby’s mind. “It feels like cheating if I get you to go over that one.” He laughed nervously.

”I’d have done it anyway kid, you know that.”

”Exactly. If I match with The Pitt I want it to be on my own merit. Not because you’ve tailor written my application to get me there.” Robby couldn’t argue with that. That was the thing about Dennis Whitaker. He was so good. So determined to stand on his own two feet. He didn’t take handouts, and he didn’t accept charity. If he was going to do something he was going to do it as much on his own as he could.

Robby heard Whitaker’s phone ping with a text notification. They’d just ordered their food, and Robby was still going over Dennis’ applications; changing a couple of sentences around, and adding in a few key words he knew the hospitals would be looking for. He had his reading glasses on, and he peered over the top of them to look at Whitaker.

”Is there somewhere you need to be, kid?” He asked.

”What?” Whitaker tore his eyes away from the screen. “Oh, no. Trinity was just asking if we still needed anything for next week whilst she’s at the grocery store.”

”What’s happening next week?” He’d gone back to typing on Whitaker’s laptop.

”Trinity and I are having a ‘Friendsmas dinner.’ It’s going to be me, Trinity, Mel, Mel’s sister Becca, Victoria, and Samira. Trinity and Samira are both working Christmas so they can’t go home for the holiday, and the rest of us either don’t want to be with family or don’t have any so we’re doing our own Christmas dinner in the evening.” Dennis explained. Robby couldn’t remember the last time he celebrated Hanukkah. He was still Jewish, both by race and religion, but whether he actually considered himself a practicing one was up for debate. The weight of his necklace hung heavy around his neck at that thought. For years he’d worked through the holiday season without so much as a thought about it. He’d stopped typing now. He really couldn’t remember when the last time he’d celebrated a holiday was.

Their food arrived then, breaking Robby out of this thought. He smiled at their waitress as she laid down their plates for them. He moved the laptop over to the other side of the table to make space.

”That sounds like it will be a really nice evening.” Robby smiled, hoping the pause hadn’t been too long before he spoke again.

”Yeah. I really miss seeing them all. Plus it’s going to be me, Mel, and Becca cooking all the food, so that’ll be fun.” Robby couldn’t help but notice the smile creep onto Whitaker’s face. That look of a memory coming back.

”Did you cook a lot back home?”

”Oh yeah. We were a big home cooked meal family. My mom taught me how to cook when I was a kid.” There it was. Just a flash, a blink and you’ll miss it moment, but once again Dennis was offering something up about his life before Pittsburgh. Robby wouldn't dig into today. He didn’t want to ruin the moment.

~~~

As they were finishing up their meals Whitaker’s phone pinged again. Twice in short succession. Robby watched as he wiped his hands on the napkin beside him and pulled his phone out of his jacket pocket. His eyes furrowed as he read the messages.

”Shit.” He cursed.

”Everything okay?” Robby asked, concerned.

”Izzy’s just text me. She was checking the cameras at the barn. She thinks one of the horses is colic-ing.”

”Is that bad? What is that?” Robby asked.

”Horses can’t throw up, so if they get any stomach issues then their intestines can twist. If their intestines twist it cuts off blood flow and the tissue can die. I’m really sorry, I need to get back to the barn. Izzy can’t get over there so I’m gonna have to go and see what’s going on. I might need to call out the vet.” Dennis was panicking. He was scrambling to pack his things back into his backpack.

”Okay. Woah. Dennis. Slow down.” Robby stood up as well. Putting his hands on Whitaker’s shoulders to stop him in his tracks. “I’ll drive you over there. Go and wait in the car, I’ll pay for the food, and I’ll drive you over.” He placed his car keys in Whitaker’s hand and closed his fingers around them. Whitaker just nodded, still looking a little bit frantic, before walking to the door.

Robby drove quicker than he probably should have. Not dangerously quick, but slightly over the speed limit. Dennis was shifting in his seat uncomfortably next to him. He could feel the worry radiating off of the boy. He was on the phone to Izzy muttering away about which horse had colic and what Izzy had seen on the cameras.

Dennis barely waited for the car to pull to a stop before jumping out the door. Robby watched him jog towards the barn as he turned the engine off and locked his car behind him. He followed Whitaker into the barn and saw the way he went directly to the horse in question. Dave, a small palomino horse, whose stall was opposite Blaze’s. Dave was laid down in his stall. That was the first thing Robby noticed. He’d never seen a horse lie down before. Apparently in this situation that was a really bad sign. After looking at him Whitaker had disappeared somewhere, and was now appearing again with a lead rope and head collar.

”We need to get him up.” He muttered as he walked into the stall. He put the head collar onto Dave and clipped the lead rope on. “I need to get him walking to try and get the food moving through his intestines.” Robby just stood by the stall gate, ready to hold it open for Dennis who was now trying to get the horse onto his feet. He watched as Whitaker walked Dave out of the stall and towards the indoor arena. “Can you go and get a bucket and fill it up with water? I want to try and encourage him to drink something if I can.”

They were in the arena Robby had been in just hours earlier. Although now the atmosphere was completely different. Dennis was walking Dave around the space trying to keep him moving. Whitaker was talking about having to phone the vet soon when they heard the sound of car wheels on gravel. They both looked at one another.

”Take him. Keep walking around, I’m going to see who that is.” His face was hard. Robby took the lead rope.

”Is it the vet? Would Izzy have phoned them?” He asked, hopeful.

”No. I told her I’d phone them if I thought he needed it.” With that Dennis walked back into the barn. Near enough marching down the aisle. He dipped into the feed room. Robby kept walking Dave back and forth so he could still watch through the barn doors.

Dennis reappeared with a shot gun and Robby’s breath hitched. Where had that been hidden? He had no idea the place had firearms. The thing that concerned him the most was how natural it looked in Whitaker's hands. He held the thing with such conviction. There was no trace of nerves in his body. He knew what he was doing. He’d done this before. They heard the sound of the barn doors opening. Whitaker trained the gun towards the door, waiting for whoever was out there to try and come in. A head of blonde hair came into view as the door opened. It was Izzy. Dennis let out a heavy breath, spinning around.

”Jesus Christ Izzy! I thought someone was trying to break in.” He gasped, lowering the gun.

”And, what? Were you going to shoot them?” Izzy hissed.

”If I had to! There’s two doctors here, I wouldn’t have killed anybody.” Izzy looked over Whitaker's shoulder towards Robby.

”Hi Izzy.” He waved sheepishly. He went back to the task he’d been left with, walking Dave around, whilst Whitaker and Izzy talked. They called the vet. Now they just had to wait for him to arrive. 

Izzy came over to the arena and took Dave from him.

”You’ve done a really good job Robby. The vet’s on his way if you want to get Dennis home?”

”Are you sure? We can stay here until he arrives.” Robby asked. He didn’t really want to leave the woman here on her own, especially since it was getting late.

”No, you’re okay. Go on, go home. Make sure Dennis gets home safe. He’s pretty worked up.”

”Yeah, he’s been pretty stressed since you text him.” Robby took his cue to leave. He grabbed Dennis’ coat on his way past and handed it to him.

”Come on. The vet’s on his way. I’ll take you home.” Dennis didn’t argue. He just nodded and followed Robby out to the car. They drove back in silence. Robby knew his way to Whitaker’s apartment now, he didn’t need directions.

”Thank you.” Dennis whispered as they pulled up outside the apartment block. Robby just smiled and gave him a quick squeeze on the knee.

”Anytime kid.”

Chapter Text

The knock came at their door at midday. Dennis had been up for hours by that point. He’d been to the barn and done the morning chores by himself. He’d offered to go up there. He had nowhere else to be, and nobody else had wanted to do it on Christmas. So Dennis did it all alone. He did the feeds, the hay nets, and refilled the water buckets, all before anyone else had woken up. He even took up a bag of carrots and apples to give the horses a Christmas treat. There were no lessons that day, and all the horses were in their stables for the winter, so it was an easy enough job to do by himself. Now he was back home. Trinity had gone to work for the day and he was wrapping last minute presents for the girls.

He made his way over to the door. On the other side Mel and Becca were waiting.

”Merry Christmas.” Becca beamed.

”Merry Christmas.” He smiled back. Dennis had only met Becca once before. He’d been out buying groceries for himself and Trinity when he ran into the pair in the grocery store. The three of them had stood in the produce aisle talking for thirty minutes. “Please, come in. I’m just getting everything ready to start cooking later.” He moved out of the doorway to let them in. Over the past week he and Trinity had been decorating their apartment for the day. The place now looked like Christmas had thrown up on it. A hodge podge of different styles and colours, there was no cohesive theme. Mel and Becca both took off their shoes by the door and made their way into the apartment. On the kitchen counter was all the food that still needed preparing for the meal. They would be eating at around 8, once Trinity and Samira finished their shift, so they still had plenty of time to cook it all. Dennis had just wanted to get ahead of himself a bit and begin to plan out what needed cooking, and when. 

Their Christmas dinner this year would be a smaller affair than what Dennis was used to back home, due to the fact that they simply did not have the oven space to cook everything. Back home Christmas dinner had been extravagant. Two, possibly three, different meats, a whole host of roast veggies, more sides than you could ever want. A Whitaker Christmas dinner was nothing to scoff at. They would be eating left overs into the new year. By comparison this was small. They had settled on turkey, since it was tradition, a few options for vegetables, and two types of mash —regular and sweet potato. Back home this would have been a sorry affair but right now, here, it was perfect. A year ago Dennis had spent the holiday period in a shelter. He didn’t have a Christmas dinner to make or look forward to. The shelter had provided a few measly pieces of turkey and some roasted vegetables. This was better by a mile. Plus he was surrounded by the people he loved. Who could possibly want more?

~~~

The three of them began preparing the food at 3. Dennis took it upon himself to do most of the cooking, delegating out tasks to Mel and Becca. He chopped up vegetables for Becca to use to stuff the turkey and had Mel get started on making up the batter for a Yule log. Christmas music was blasting through Trinity’s speaker, which they’d moved into the kitchen from her bedroom. Elf was playing in the background on the TV in their living room, at the request of Becca.

Victoria arrived at 4pm, with a present under her arm for their secret Santa later. She had been with her mother all morning, but now she had to go into the hospital so Victoria was able to come and spend the evening with them. Dennis greeted her with a hug and told her where she could leave her stuff. His room was quickly becoming a cloakroom for them all. He poured her a glass of eggnog and let her lament about her morning. They had a while yet before any of the other food needed preparing.

For a while they all sat in the living room watching a Christmas film. The turkey was in the oven and the veg didn’t need to be started for at least another two hours so they all migrated over to the couch. Becca tried to insist on restarting Elf, but in the end they compromised on The Polar Express. Dennis wasn’t overly fussed about Christmas films. He never really watched them growing up, so he didn’t have the nostalgia the rest of the girls felt. He didn’t quite understand them, with their over the top comedy, he found most of them quite cringe enduring to sit through. Right now though this was perfect. With Victoria on one side of him, and Mel on the other, this was the perfect way to celebrate Christmas. He couldn’t wait for Trinity and Samira to get back.

By 6:30pm everything had kicked into gear. They had a full scale operation run by Dennis going on in the kitchen. Vegetables were being cut up and seasoned, the potatoes and sweet potatoes for the mash were simmering away on the stove. Dennis was treating this like a military operation. Everything had to be timed to perfection. The vegetables went into the oven to be roasted, Dennis checked the turkey and braised it as he did it. Their oven was full to the brim. Everything was finished now until they were ready to serve. He and Becca got to work cleaning the kitchen whilst the girls set the table for them all. His and Trinity’s dining table was small, it was going to be a squeeze but they’d make it work. They laid out Trinity’s dining set, because Dennis’ was a mix match of things he collected over the months and Trinity’s all matched. 

~~~

The timer for the turkey pinged. 7pm. Right on time. Dennis pulled it out of the oven and left it on top of the stove to settle before it needed to be carved. Trinity and Samira were due to be back soon. He looked around at the apartment. At all the work he and Trinity had put in, smelt the food in the air. He was proud of himself. This was one of those Christmases he would remember for the rest of his life.

Trinity and Samira walked through their door as Dennnis was carving the turkey.

”The food smells great, Huckleberry. We could smell it down the hall.” Trinity announced as she hung her scarf up on their small coat rack.

”Well it’s almost ready so go get ready. I’m about to serve it all up.” And like that the oven pinged for the vegetables. Perfect timing. Trinity and Samira disappeared into her bedroom to get changed out of their scrubs. He took this time to move all of the food over onto the table ready for when they came back.

They all crowded around the table. Dennis and Trinity sat on each end with Mel and Becca on one side, Victoria and Samira on the other. They were all eying up the food with salivating mouths

”Can I say grace first?” Dennis asked from his seat at the head of the table. They all nodded and Dennis bent his head. He said a small prayer, one he’d said so many times at home. The words came tumbling out without so much as a thought about it, then they all dove in.

~~~

Sprawled out on their couch after dinner were six people all in various stages of food comatosis. Dennis groaned as he stretched forward to grab his glass of soda off the coffee table. Elf was playing on the TV again. When was that put on? Beside him Trinity leaned on his shoulder, looking as worse for wear as he felt. They were all stuffed. They still had a Yule log in the fridge. Maybe he’d leave that for another day. For now they would ride out their food induced stomach aches.

Dennis’ phone was laid on his chest. He’d been scrolling through it when they first sat down, but now he couldn’t even bring himself to hold the damn thing. Trinity picked it up. He didn’t pay too much attention to her. He was vaguely aware of her holding the device up to take a photo, but he couldn’t bring himself to look towards the camera or pose. She would just have to be content with his half asleep state as he slumped against the couch.

An hour passed before any of them attempted to move. They still had to do secret Santa. It was in the back of all their minds but they’d all silently agreed to wait until the movie was over before any of them tried to move. Slowly they detangled themselves off of each other and got up off the couch. Dennis made his way into his room to collect his secret Santa present.

They all reunited back on the couch. Each one of them was now holding a present. If Dennis could move any more he’d have laughed at the wide range of wrapping abilities within the group. Mel and Samira’s were pristine. Carefully wrapped with neat corners and perfect lines. His own and Victoria’s were more of a shambles. They’d both made an effort to make their presents look nice but they didn’t have the skills that the other two possessed. Becca’s was covered in ribbon and a bow. It looked like Christmas threw up on it. Trinity’s was just a mess. It looked like it had been thrown together at the last second with whatever scraps of wrapping paper she could find.

”Okay, so who’s first.” She wiggled her eyebrows.

”I’ll go first. Mel, this one is for you.” Dennis passed his present over to Mel. He’d gotten her a weighted blanket. She’d mentioned it a few months ago that she’d wanted to try one, and from the sleuthing he’d done he knew she hadn’t bought one yet. Her face lit up when she saw what it was.

”Dennis!” She beamed. “Thank you.” She looked like she might cry. Her eyes were glassy.

”Okay, Mel. Who’ve you got?” Trinity asked. She was in charge of this bit, effectively taking over the procession. Mel had Trinity, Trinity had Victoria, Victoria had Becca, Becca had Samira, and finally it was Dennis’ turn. Samira had him.

He didn’t want to unwrap it. The paper was too perfect. It felt sacreligious to ruin such a perfect thing.

”Don’t just stare at it, Huckleberry. Open it!” Trinity sighed. Carefully he pulled the tape off the paper, trying to preserve it as much as possible. Inside the wrapping paper sat a watch box.

”It’s nothing expensive, don't worry.” She reassured him. Dennis felt like he might cry. A lump was forming in his throat, he could feel the familiar sting behind his eyes. This might have been the nicest thing he’d ever received. He opened the box and looked at the watch inside.

”I can’t accept this.” He choked out.

”Yes you can Dennis. Call it a Christmas and graduation gift if you have to, but you are accepting it.” Samira said sternly in that way that was both nice and authoritative. Awkwardly he placed the box down on the floor in front of where he was sat cross legged.

”Thank you.”

~~~

All the girls were staying the night at their place. After they’d exchanged gifts they all began to move and change into pajamas ready to go to sleep. Trinity pulled out the sofa bed for Mel and Becca. Dennis went and got the spare pillows and comforter out of the airing cupboard in the hallway for them. Samira was staying in Trinity’s room, and Victoria in his. He let her use the bathroom first. Whilst he waited for her to come back out of the bathroom he put his phone on charge. The screen lit up. There was a text from Robby. He clicked the message pulling up their text thread. There was a message sent from him a few hours ago. He hadn’t sent Robby a text. At least he didn’t think he had. Then it clicked as he looked at it. A photo of the group, clumped together on the sofa from earlier in the evening. The photo Trinity had taken. Underneath read the message ‘Dennis’ food is fantastic. He’s put us all in a coma - Santos’. He didn’t even realise she’d sent it. Robby had texted him back an hour later. Nothing special. Really it was nothing at all. It still made his heart swoop all the same. It simply read ‘Merry Christmas kid.’

Chapter Text

The new year crept in quickly. Robby had been working most days over the holiday period. He watched the people around him celebrate the holidays, and he saw the aftermath of celebrating too hard in his patients. This was a busy time in the ED, and Robby was happy to take on the brunt of it so that his staff could spend time with their families.

”How’s your sister doing?” Robby asked Jack at handover on New Year’s Day. Jack’s sister moved out to Chicago years ago so he only gets to see her around the holidays. It was the only time in the year the night shift attending takes any time off.

”She’s good. They brought the kids down with them so it was nice to spend some time with them.” Jack told him. His sister had three kids of her own. Jack had two nephews and a niece and he absolutely doted on them. He would never admit that he hates the fact that he and his wife never got to have any of their own before she passed away, but Robby could see it in his eyes whenever he talked about his sister's children.

”How old are they now then?”

”Twelve, nine, and seven.”

”They’re growing up fast.” Robby noted. It was cordial, polite. Jack wasn’t big on discussing his personal life, and the whole thing just served as a reminder to Robby of everything he didn’t have. He was an only child from parents who were both only children as well. He had no living family left. There was only him in the world and this time of year made it all the more apparent.

As his shift began he floated through the ED. Ducking in and out of rooms, being presented with cases and helping where he could. In an obscure way this was his family. The people with him in the ED, they were his family. A dysfunctional one at best, but weren’t all families like that? Dana talked him through her Christmas Day with her kids, they were both grown up and off in college now. They’d made the trip back for the occasion. Robby heard Samira talking to McKay about the aforementioned ‘friendsmas dinner’ at Santos and Whitaker’s place. Robby smiled fondly, the memory of a photo Santos had taken of the group flashed in his mind. The way they had all been half asleep and slumped on a couch that was definitely too small for them all. Even McKay was quick to tell him what her and Harrison had done over the festive period. It was the first time in years she’d had him unsupervised for the day. Robby was happy for them. They’d all had a nice time outside of this place. So Robby worked. He took on the extra shifts and made sure his makeshift family were able to spend the time with their loved ones. It was no skin off his nose. He was happy to do it.

~~~

New Year’s Day meant an influx of accidents. Most of the fireworks variety. It was going to be a rough evening for Jack if this was what the day was panning out like. Already they had multiple burns from fireworks mishaps and it wasn’t even dark yet. Robby was tired. He’d overworked himself over the past two weeks and it was all beginning to catch up with him.

”You doing okay?” Dana asked him as he leant against the nurses station.

”Oh, yeah. Just ready to go home.” He smiled. It was 3pm. He still had another four hours to go yet before he could leave.

”I feel you on that one.” She tapped him on the arm. “They’re in for a rough night tonight. I do not envy them.”

”I’ve already given Jack a heads up on what he’s walking into.” Robby chuckled.

”You’re off for the next four after today aren’t you?”

”Oh yeah. I am going to catch up on some well earned sleep.” He would also be going to the barn tomorrow, but that didn’t need to be said. 

It had been almost two weeks since he’d last been up there, the stable had closed over the holidays so that the staff could have the time off. Robby wondered if Whitaker had still gone up there. Surely someone had to go up and feed the horses on a daily basis. Had Whitaker been the one to do it? Was he, like himself, taking on the extra load because otherwise he’d spend the holidays alone. He thought of Dennis up there by himself, getting through the jobs whilst his coworkers spent Christmas with their families. It felt all too familiar. Robby was glad he at least had a good group of friends to spend the day with.

~~~

This was the longest Robby had been away from the barn since he began his sessions in November. He was definitely feeling the effect. It was as though he’d been going through withdrawal. At work he’d felt the ever creeping anxiety begin to seep back in, he was irritated and grouchy. It was something he knew was not just a result of being overworked. Now as he made the familiar drive up to the barn he felt that anxiety beginning to dissipate. How the place had become such a safe haven for him he didn’t know, but he would forever be grateful that it had. He only had four weeks left of sessions with the barn, but already Robby knew that he would be continuing on with regular lessons. The place had given him some great tools to help with his anxiety and panic attacks, but being there, being in that environment had done more for his mental wellbeing than anything he’d ever tried before. Everytime he got out of the car it felt like the first warm day of spring. When you look up to the sun and feel warmth radiating off it for the first time that year. A sign that winter was coming to an end, and good things were to come. That was how he felt every time he stepped into that barn.

As predicted Whitaker was in the barn when he arrived. He was dipping in and out of stalls, a small bucket by his side. There was a suspicious looking fluid on his jeans. It reminded Robby of all the times the kid would end up with bodily fluids on him in the ER, having not yet learnt the reflexes to avoid such mishaps.

”What’re you up to kid?” He asked.

”Everyone needs dewormer. Some of these guys aren’t too happy about it though, as you can tell.” He gestured to his pants with a grimace. Robby chuckled and shook his head.

”I thought you’d be used to mystery fluids by now.”

”Oh I would take bodily fluids over this stuff any day of the week. I hate dewormer, it stinks.” He rolled his eyes. “Plus I can’t go and get changed when I’m finished. I’ll be covered in this stuff all day.” He huffed.

”How was your Christmas anyways? I saw the photo Santos sent me.”

”It was really fun. Probably one of the best Christmases I’ve had in a long time.” And oh how Robby wanted to dig into that. Sure he’d been homeless last year, but to say it was the best in a long time? That held weight. There was something just beneath the surface there and Robby so desperately wanted to pick at it.

Walking into Blaze’s stall felt like coming home. The horse's ears pricked towards him and as he usually did Robby held out his hand so that the animal could feel his energy. He felt the weight leave his shoulders as Blaze nuzzled his head against Robby’s arm. This was the lightest and most content he’d felt in weeks. He took the horse’s head in his hands and brought it to his chest, simply hugging him. Robby never thought he’d miss a horse, but he’d grown to love him. He stayed like that for a while, and Blaze was happy to let him. Taking on all of his worries and stress. He was far overdue this, and the two weeks of crazy within the ED meant that he had a lot to come down from. The weight of Blaze’s head against his chest was soothing, he caressed his hands along the sides of his face. Robby sighed contently and he let his head drop down onto the white stripe between the horse’s eyes.

~~~

Robby could tack up now with his eyes closed. He didn’t even have to think about it anymore. He thought back to his first few sessions when he couldn’t remember how to do any of it and had to chuckle. The whole process felt as easy to him now as suturing. He made quick work of tacking up Blaze and walked out to the indoor arena. It was Izzy there waiting for him instead of his regular instructor Aaron.

”Aaron’s off this week. He’s out of state with family, so you’ve got me today.” She smiled as she came over to check Blaze’s cinch before giving him the all clear to get on.

”Oh that’s fine by me.” Robby really liked Izzy. She was a good person and someone who was easy to like. He never felt like a client when he spoke to her. She made him feel like they were equals and he appreciated her for that.

”Aaron says you’re working on posting at the moment.”

“Yeah. Whitaker helped to get me on the right diagonal so that’s what we were working on last session.”

”He’s a good teacher.” She said it so definitely. It brought back the question he’d had last time he was here.

”Why isn't he an instructor? He’s got the knack for teaching.”

“Do a couple laps around at a walk, just get Blake warmed up a bit first.” Izzy told him. “Honestly I would have loved Dennis to be one of our instructors. He’s great with people, the kids love him, and as you said he’s a fantastic teacher. It just wouldn’t be worth it in the long run to get him CHA trained and then for him to leave in July when his residency starts. We’re all going to miss that kid when he leaves us.” She mused.

”We felt the same way in the ER when his rotation ended. I’m still hoping I can get him back there for his residency.” Robby smiled to himself. He really hoped Whitaker had planned it as well as Robby thought he had. If PTMC was the only level one trauma center on his list of applications then that would automatically put it at the top of his list for matches. If he was offered a spot, which Robby would do everything in his power to make sure he was, then it would outrank any other options he had.

”You’ll be lucky to have him.” Izzy broke him out of his thought.

”Oh I know.”

Robby could understand now why Izzy was the barn manager. Don’t get him wrong he liked Aaron’s teaching, and everything he did with him, but there was something about the way Izzy taught that Robby loved. She was kind, always cheering him on, but wasn’t afraid to tell him when he was doing something wrong. She was happy to go over the same exercises with him time and time again, always telling him ‘that’s okay, circle around and try it again’ when he didn’t quite get it. She was clear in her explaining things, it was something that only came from years of teaching. Robby really liked her approach to teaching his sessions. He’d seen glimpses of it, namely the time he’s watched Whitaker on Jasper, but to actually get to experience it for himself. He felt like a traitor to Aaron, but a small part of him preferred his lesson with Izzy.

At the end of his session Robby’s legs ached. The two weeks off meant that his body wasn’t used to being in a saddle anymore. It felt reminiscent of when he first began.

”Two weeks off and my hips are seizing up again.” He complained as he walked past Dennis towards Blaze’s stall. The horse in question at his side.

”You’re getting old, old man.” Dennis laughed as he walked past him.

”And you’re getting bold, kid.” Robby chortled. He did enjoy this side of Whitaker. The carefree man who wasn’t worried about making mistakes. Who did not see Robby as a boss but as an acquaintance, possibly even a friend. The Whitaker he knew in the ED would have never made a joke like that. It came so naturally now, the fact that he ever seemed so shy and timid now felt like an oddity. How had he once been so sure that this side of him was not the norm. This right here was who Whitaker was. He was sharp, quick witted. He liked to joke, and smile, and laugh. He wasn’t the sad, tired boy he’d first met all those months ago. This right here was the real him, and Robby felt sad for all the people who wouldn’t ever get to see this. 

~~~

It all happened in a flash. He was walking over to his car when the noise caught his attention.

”Hey Dennis! Come out here man.” One of the stablehand’s shouted, causing Robby to look back as he stood by the car door. There were two stablehands standing on either side of the barn doors, each one with a bucket in hand. They were desperately trying to stifle their laughs as they waited for Whitaker to make an appearance. Robby could see where this was going from a mile off. Dennis came wandering out of the barn doors.

”What’s up? What d’ya-“ He never got the chance to finish his sentence. They each threw their bucket of water over him. The poor boy was soaked.

”Happy new year!” The one on the left shouted.

”And congrats on finishing your rotations!” The other one finished. Dennis just stood there in shock, water dripping down his face and over his clothes. He was in shock, hands up in the air in a manner that Robby had seen so many times in the ED.

”You’re such dickheads.” He cursed, barely able to contain his own laughter. Robby chuckled to himself as he watched the scene unfold. He’d never heard Whitaker curse before. Then the boy did something unexpected. In the freezing January air he took his shirt off and threw the soaked fabric at the stablehand on the right. Robby couldn’t look away. He watched the way Dennis’ muscles contorted and shook as he shivered. The expanse of broad muscle stretching out over his back. Something twisted in his stomach. Like a punch to the gut. The feeling was all too familiar. Whitaker turned around then, and caught Robby’s eye, shrugging his shoulders as if to say ‘are you seeing this?’ He couldn’t help it, his eyes traveled over the plains of his skin. His chest, stomach, eyes travelling south to barely there V lines dipping into his pants. His breath caught in his throat.

Robby got into his car and sped out of the stable. His mind was racing with thoughts and flashes of skin as he drove back towards the city. Everything was blurring around him. Was he hyperventilating? He might have been. This was wrong, wrong on so many levels. He was sick and twisted. Dennis Whitaker was a kid. Half his age at least. He should not be having thoughts like this over a man who wasn’t even alive when he began his residency. Wrong, wrong, wrong. The only thought that cut through the noise. Every time he pictured the scene in his head the word punched through like a bolt of electricity. What had he become? He felt like a lecherous old man, preying on his medical student. He couldn’t be feeling this way, he wouldn’t. The road was blurring, his eyes were watering. He gripped the steering wheel harder. He was definitely hyperventilating. A gag ripped through his body. He needed to pull over. Another one caught him off guard as he stopped his car on the side of the road, turning his hazards on. It was a miracle he made it out of the car at all. He stumbled to the side of the road and puked onto the grass. Heaving and crying as he emptied the contents of his stomach onto the ground. He thought back to every touch, every squeeze of a shoulder, a hand on the back of his neck. Another round of vomit shot out of his mouth and down his nose. His throat burned. What had he been doing? Had he been subconsciously groping this boy the entire time he’d known him? He heaved again. There was nothing left in his stomach now, the muscles in his abdomen contracting around nothing. It was painful, as he dry heaved on the side of the road. Panting and struggling to breathe. He was disgusting. Dirty. 

Eventually he was able to climb back into the car and just sit there. His hands buzzed with adrenaline, he was shaky and cold. Robby sat in the driver's seat of the car he’d taken Dennis home in multiple times at this point, and cried. He cried until the tears stopped and then cried some more. Sobs rippling through the interior. His throat was raw and scratchy. Robby had never been so disgusted with himself before in his life. Had he been grooming this boy for months on end and not even known he was doing it? Another round of dry heaving shook through his body at the thought. This was the worst thing that could possibly have happened to him.

Chapter Text

It was unusually mild for the beginning of January. The day wasn’t warm by any means, but against the frigid weather they’d had over the past few weeks it felt remarkably mild. As though spring were just around the corner. Dennis’ mom had always called this ‘false spring’, when you think you’re through the worst of the winter weather just for it to turn around and hit you at full force for a second time. So Dennis knew to take this day for what it was. Just an unusually mild day that would probably be followed by snow and ice. 

His clinical rotations were over now, all of his assignments had been handed in, and his applications had been sent off. This was the first time in four years that he didn’t have anything to do. So Dennis worked. He picked up as many shifts as Izzy could give him, more than doubling his income. For the first time in years Dennis had expendable income. It was nice. He bought himself a new coat just because he could, and he splashed out on some new trainers for when his residency began. The ones he had been wearing were so worn down on the soles it was a miracle he hadn’t slipped on the linoleum floor in the hospital. He swapped days at the hospital for shifts at the barn. His time there would be coming to an end in a few months so he wanted to make the most of it whilst he could.

It was going to be a sad day in summer when he would have to leave this place. Already the melancholy for that future date was beginning to set in. Dennis loved this place. He hadn’t realised how much this place would come to feel like home when he saw the flyer in that coffee shop in October. How one little moment had changed his life in so many ways. He still had six months left until he would have to leave, but he couldn’t bear to part with the place.

~~~

Most of the staff were back from the holiday period now. No longer were they running a skeleton crew. The new year saw an uptake in lessons so everyone was ready for the busy period when everyone decided they wanted a new hobby. A mild day in January was enough to put everyone’s spirits up though as they talked about the festive period and what they’d been getting up to. Dennis listened intently as his colleagues told him about their time back home with their families. He never commented on his own. He told white lies about having to work, and not having a whole load of money, so he’d had to stay in the city. He’d go back next year when he could get some proper time off, he’d smile when they asked. Izzy just gave him a little look from where she stood off to the side. He hated how well she saw through him, how he was apparently an open book to her.

”Jasper’s been inside all day.” Izzy commented out of the blue. “Why don’t you take him out for a hack? It’s been dry these past few days so the trail should be good. You can check out a few of the routes whilst you’re out and make a list of what maintenance needs doing.” Trail maintenance was a job nobody liked doing, but it was getting to that time in the year when it would need doing again. He’d have to check for fallen branches and trees, make sure all the trails were clear and ready for riders wanting to go out on them. Today was the easy bit though. Simply riding the trails and seeing which ones were usable, and making notes of where in the route needed work.

Dennis traded his heavy jacket for his fleece. It was a touch too warm for the winter coat today, and the thing would have been too restrictive on horseback. He made quick work of grooming and tacking Jasper before he was out in the paddock ready to leave. Izzy handed him the walkie talkie they always took on trails and reminded him to be safe whilst he was out there.

~~~

The trail gave Dennis time to think. Whilst he made notes of fallen branches and impassable routes he thought about what his life would be like in the coming months. Already he had three interview offers waiting for him to respond. At the time applying for places further afield had felt like a good idea. Broaden his horizons. Now though he had interview offers from Philadelphia, Boston, and New York. Dennis had no idea how he was going to afford to get to any of them. He’d tried to run the numbers, and just a coach alone was about $100 each way. Plus they were all in the same week, so he would have to go from one straight to the next which meant forking out for a few days in a hotel. The extra shifts at the barn had helped him out a ton, but this was going to be more money than he could afford. It felt like everything was getting too much too quickly. He could feel it all spiralling out of control again. He didn’t want to have to ask anyone to borrow the money, he’d never live down the embarrassment of it. The only person he’d be okay with telling was Trinity, but he couldn’t ask that of her. She’d already done so much for him, it didn’t feel right to take anything else. In a huff he resigned the thought to the back of his mind. He could think about this some other time. For now he had a job to do.

~~~

Dennis got back from his hack in the mid afternoon. He had a list in his pocket of all the areas of the trails that needed attention.

”Is everything okay out there?” Izzy asked him as he swung down off of Jasper’s back.

”There’s a few spots that need looking at. I’ve made a list, here.” He told her before handing over the list.

”Thanks for that. He can go out to the field for a bit before evening feeds. I want to get these guys out for a while whilst the day’s nice and the fields are dry.” Dennis just hummed in response. They’d mentioned earlier about putting the horses out for a few hours due to the nice day. He took Jasper back indoors.

He didn’t see it happen, but Izzy did. As he turned at the sound of his name he didn’t see what was about to happen. Dennis had taken Jasper up to the field and had just taken his head collar off when the series of events unfolded. He’d taken Jasper into a field with a few of the other horses. Izzy had called out to him, presumably to ask him something in regards to the list of maintenance that needed doing on the trails. He turned his head away from the horse. He didn’t see when Rocky, their shire gelding, came running over to Jasper. Jasper bucked and kicked his back feet out. Dennis was standing too close. Jasper’s back hoof connected with his chest. He heard the crack before he went down, the force of the kick knocking him to the floor. His ears were ringing, and he was struggling to breathe. The force of the impact had winded him. Izzy came racing over. She wafted her hands in the air and shouted, getting the horses to move away from where Dennis was laid out on the ground. He was still struggling to catch his breath.

Time seemed to spin around him. He had no idea how long he was laid out there in the field. Over the buzzing in his ears he could just about make out the sound of Izzy on the phone. She’d told him not to move. He could do that. He wasn’t sure he could move on his own anyways. The next thing he knew two EMTs were kneeling beside him. They were talking to each other, Dennis couldn’t quite string the words together. He was disorientated. He tried to take stock of his own injuries but his mind was foggy. He felt when they put him in a C-collar, and lifted him up onto a stretcher.

”We’re going to take you to PTMC. Do you have any allergies?” One of the EMTs asked him as they were getting into the ambulance.

”No allergies.” He shook his head. Okay, that was good. He was more alert now. The shock was probably starting to wear off.

Every breath felt like knives in his chest. He probably had broken ribs. A pot hole in the road as they drove caused a searing pain to shoot through him. He groaned in pain.

”We’re nearly there Dennis.” Izzy said from the seat beside him. Oh, he hadn’t realised she was there. She was coming with him. She reached out and smoothed a hand over his hair. He reached up and took a hold of it.

”I probably look a whole lot worse than it actually is. I’d say probably a few broken ribs, but they’ll want to check me over and make sure I’ve not punctured a lung.” He tried to reassure her.

”Have you done this before?” The EMT working on him asked.

”No. I’m a medical student.” He chuckled. The EMT just nodded, probably just thankful he was too out of it to try and dictate his own treatment.

~~~

Dennis was a lot more orientated when they made it to PTMC. He was alert and talking now. The pain in his chest hadn’t gone down by any means, all he’d had was IV paracetamol, but the shock had worn off so his brain felt less foggy. They pulled up in the ambulance bay Dennis knew all too well and waited with baited breath to see who would open those doors.

”What’ve we got?” Samira’s voice filtered through the ambulance when the doors opened.

”Male, 26, kicked in the chest by a horse approximately thirty minutes ago. We’ve administered IV paracetamol. Patient is alert and speaking. No known allergies.” The EMT rattled off.

”Hi Samira.” Dennis smiled sheepishly as they wheeled him off the ambulance.

”Whitaker?” She faltered for a second then went back to being Dr Mohan. “Okay, let’s get you inside.” Izzy trailed behind him, following them through the automatic doors to The Pitt. He saw it the moment Robby’s eyes locked with his. He was standing at the nurses station ready to jump into action if Samira needed him. When he saw Dennis’ face he came walking over. There was no need to run, Dennis was in no danger. He was awake and alert. This wasn’t life or death.

”Whitaker, what happened?” Dana was here now as well, walking on the opposite side of the gurney.

”I thought you guys might have missed me. Thought I’d drop in to say hi.” He tried to laugh. It came out as more of a grimace, pain shooting through his ribs again.

”Dr Mohan, you want to catch us up?” Robby asked, professional as ever. He had to have known this was something that happened at the barn. He was wearing his work fleece, jeans, and his riding boots.

”EMTs said he’d been kicked in the chest by a horse. Dennis, what were you doing near a horse?” Samira asked.

”We can leave questions for later. Let’s get the kid some morphine first.” Robby called out the order.

”Please don’t give me morphine. It makes me puke.” Dennis groaned. He’d had it once as a kid when he fell off some hay bails and broke his ankle. The stuff had made him violently ill for hours.

”Oxycodone it is then.” Robby chuckled. They rolled him into central 15 for treatment. He watched as Robby stopped outside the doors with Izzy. He was telling her something. Probably just filling her in on the fact that none of their colleagues knew Robby was their client. She wouldn’t have said anything anyway. Dennis was confident of that. Beside him Donnie was administering the drugs through the IV that had been given to him.

Trinity came bursting through the door about ten minutes later. Izzy was in the room with him now, standing patiently by his bed until someone came to take him to radiography.

”Hey. Samira told me you were here. What happened?” She asked. She was a little out of breath, as though she’d run across the ED to get here.

”Jasper kicked me in the ribs. It’s nothing serious. They’re going to take me for an x-ray to see what the damage is.” He smiled. She took the seat next to his bed.

”Everyone knows you’re here by the way, so expect a few visitors. They all want to know what you were doing at a stable. They keep asking me if I know. I just told them they can ask you themselves.” She chuckled. Of course Trinity would play into the air of mystery. She knew something they didn’t and she loved it. Dennis hadn’t even kept his job a secret on purpose, it just hadn’t come up until now. “I’ve got to get back to my patients, but enjoy your rest Huckleberry.”

”Huckleberry?” Izzy smirked once Trinity had left the room.

”Yeah. Like Huckleberry Finn. That’s what she calls me.” He said sheepishly.

”Oh. That’s the roommate.”

”Trinity. Yeah. She’s great. Very blunt, but she's a good person really.”

The next people to enter his room were Samira and Mel. Samira was meant to be here, she was the one treating him, but Mel trailed after her looking a bit hesitant.

”Samira said you got kicked by a horse. Did you?” She asked. Samira was checking his vitals, trying to make it seem like she wasn’t eavesdropping.

”Yeah, I did. I work part time at a stable not too far from here.” He explained. “I am a stable hand. I was taking one of our horses out to the field and he got a bit excited when another horse came over and he bucked. I caught the brunt of it.”

”You never told us you worked a second job.” Samira butt in this time.

”It never came up in conversation I guess. I needed the extra cash, and I’ve worked with horses back home so it was the perfect fit.” He shrugged.

”So you know how to ride horses then?” Mel asked.

”He’s one of the best riders I’ve ever seen.” Izzy laughed. “Oh, I’m Izzy by the way. Dennis’ boss.”

”You are full of surprises, Dennis Whitaker.” Samira giggled. “We’re going to take you up to radiology in a few minutes. There’s a bit of a backlog so we’re just waiting to take you up.”

”When isn’t there a backlog?”

It was Dana who came to take him up for his X-ray.

”Dana, you don’t have to take me up. I don’t need special treatment.” He complained as she wheeled him towards the door.

”And miss out on hearing about your job with horses you didn’t tell anyone about?” Dennis just groaned. “You’re the talk of the ED kid. Nobody can believe it. Gloria’s gonna have to stop calling Robby and Dr Abbot the ER cowboys now, not when we’ve got the real thing right here.” She was trying to suppress her smile. Dennis just wanted to curl up a ball. He was never going to live this down. Maybe he should take the job in New York or Boston, just to get away from the ridicule that was about to come his way.

~~~

His X-rays came back. He had three broken ribs. Two on the left, and one on the right. Thankfully none of them had punctured his lung, but he would need to stay in overnight for observation. There wasn’t a whole load they could do for broken ribs besides give him pain medication and wrap his chest. Izzy had left after his scans came back. She needed to get back to the barn, and the rest of the staff wanted an update on how Dennis was doing. He would also need to take some time off of work, which just threw another spanner into the works regarding his situation and how he was going to afford to go to any of his interviews.

Robby only came in once before his shift finished. It was quiet and everyone else had finished badgering him with questions about his job at North Pittsburgh Stable. He slipped into the room quietly. Dennis was pretty out of it on the oxycodone by now. He felt warm and fuzzy, if not a little high from the pain medication.

”How’re you feeling kid?” He asked softly as he checked his vitals and IV drip.

”The pain is not as bad. I feel good.” Dennis gave a lopsided grin.

”Good, the pain meds are doing their job then. You’re going to have to stay overnight, but you should be good to go in the morning.” Robby mumbled. Dennis couldn’t figure out why he was being so quiet. It was just a few broken ribs, he wasn’t in any danger.

”Hmm, yeah. They told me that earlier.”

”Okay. Well get some sleep, kid. I’ll see you in the morning.”

”Goodnight Dr Robby.” Robby just chuckled and shook his head before leaving the room again.

Right before shift change over Trinity came back, jacket on and bag in hand.

”How are you feeling, Huckleberry?” She asked him. He couldn’t control his mouth. He heard the words coming out before his brain could catch up with them.

”Is it bad that it turns me on when he calls me kid?”

”Ew, you freak! Yes.” She laughed, clearly taken aback by what he’d said. She knew what he meant without him having to say his name. He was high on pain meds and wasn’t thinking clearly. That’s what he’ll say to defend himself should she ever bring this up again. “I’ll grab some of your things from home and come back with them. Don’t do anything stupid whilst I’m gone.” And with that she’d left the room again.

Dennis slipped in and out of sleep a few times. Over the next few hours he heard nurses come in and out of his room to monitor him and top up his meds. He barely registered them through the fog of the oxycodone and his half asleep state. The next time he properly woke up it was to the sound of Dr Abbot walking into his room.

”Ah, you’re awake this time.” He noted as he walked in. “I just wanted to come in and check to see how our resident cowboy was doing.” Dennis was never going to live this down.

Chapter Text

Things hadn’t gotten better since Robby’s realisation. In fact they had only gotten worse. Now his nights were plagued with dreams of the kid in different situations. Sometimes they were harmless, a dream of him being at the barn with Whitaker, and other times they were less so. He woke up sweating and hard after one such dream which left him with a pit of shame in his gut that he couldn’t shake for the rest of the day. It had been a week since the fateful incident and Robby was feeling worse for wear because of it. He couldn’t trust his own brain anymore. His imagination carried him away when he didn’t have the capacity to push the feelings down. He was on edge and stressed. People were beginning to notice.

He’d been short all day. He was snippy with Gloria, on Samira’s case about going too slow, breathing down Santos’ neck. He knew he was being unfair, but he couldn’t help it. He liked to be in control of things, and with everything going on around him his ER was something he could control. So he did. He took to ruling that place with an iron fist, even if it meant that his colleagues were talking about him behind his backs. Robby knew they were. The pointed looks in his direction and the hushed whispering was not lost on him. It didn’t matter. He could control this. He had everything under control.

All hell broke loose in Robby’s mind when Whitaker came through the ambulance doors on a gurney. They’d had the call in from the EMTs. Query fractured ribs, ETA three minutes. Robby nodded at Samira, his silent acknowledgement that this one was for her. She just sighed and got to work finding an open room before heading towards the ambulance bay for handoff. He was standing at the nurses station. Micromanaging. Ready to jump in if she needed the assistance. Robby watched as she walked through the doors besides the gurney. Eyes scanning the scene before they landed on the face of one Dennis Whitaker. Robby’s feet were moving before he even registered them. In seconds he was beside the gurney, walking alongside, towards the patient bay. Still he didn’t say anything. Whitaker was dressed in his barn uniform. ‘North Pittsburgh Stable’ and their emblem emblazoned on the left breast of his fleece. He’d come from the barn, something had happened up there. In his peripheral vision Robby saw Dana jog over. She’d come out of a patient room and had seen the same thing he had, Whitaker on a gurney.

”Whitaker. What happened?” She asked. The question was on the tip of his tongue too. It was a shame his tongue had turned to lead in his mouth. He still hadn’t said anything.

”I thought you guys might have missed me. Thought I’d drop in to say hi.” Dennis attempted to laugh. It quickly turned into a grimace, the kid was in an obvious amount of pain even if he was trying to mask it. This kick started Robby’s brain.

”Dr Mohan, you want to catch us up?” Robby asked. He hoped it sounded neutral, not dripping with the concern he held currently. Broken ribs could hold a whole host of complications.

”EMTs said he’d been kicked in the chest by a horse.” Samira rattled off the information, then as though it had just kicked in what had happened she turned back to Whitaker. “Dennis, what were you doing near a horse?” They were nearing central 15. They didn’t have time for explanations now. Whitaker needed treating. Control, take charge of the situation, be an attending right now. The mantra sounded off in his head.

”We can leave questions for later. Let’s get the kid some morphine first.” Robby said before Whitaker could speak again. Although at this his face turned sour.

”Please don’t give me morphine. It makes me puke.”

”Oxycodone it is then.” He really hoped his voice didn’t actually sound as soft as he thought it did. The last thing Robby needed was everyone talking about him having a soft spot for the kid. He left Whitaker at the door to central 15. They didn’t need him there. There was no need for him to step into the room. Samira had it under control. Instead he stayed outside the doors, Izzy stood by him.

”Will he be okay?” She asked.

”Yeah. My colleagues will take good care of him.” Robby paused for a moment. He dropped his head forward. “Look. The people I work with don’t know about my sessions, so I’d appreciate it if you didn’t mention anything.”

”I wouldn’t have regardless, but yeah. I won’t let your secret slip.” She smiled before heading into the room, leaving Robby by himself, in front of the doors. He walked away from the scene and back towards the ambulance bay doors. He needed to take a breather.

He did not go and visit Dennis in his hospital bed. The shame and guilt was already eating away at him. He would not give himself anymore ammunition. He had already seen far too much of the kid, seeing him laid in bed in nothing but a thin hospital gown would not be a good idea. So Robby steered clear of the room for the rest of the afternoon. He turned his head away whenever he walked past just to ease the temptation a tiny amount, it never worked. He felt sick and twisted. Wanted nothing more than to go into that room just to see the way the fabric hung off his shoulder and showed off his collarbones. Collarbones he’d dreamt about licking two nights ago. Robby ended up in the bathroom, splashing cold water on his face. He needed to get a grip. If anyone had anything to say about his micromanaging before they definitely didn’t now. He walked around the ward for the rest of his shift with a scowl on his face. His insides were twisting. Robby needed to be as far away from this place as possible.

He did let himself indulge in it just once. About thirty minutes before the end of his shift to be precise. He let his inhibitions take a hold of him and he found himself slipping inside the room. His eyes met with Whitakers for a fraction of a second before they refocused on the monitor beside him. He rounded the bed to check his medication and his IV.

”How’re you feeling, kid?” He mumbled as he looked at the IV bag. He couldn’t bring himself to look over enough. That fraction of a second was enough. He wouldn’t give his subconscious anything else.

”The pain is not as bad. I feel good.” Robby could hear the slight slur in his voice. The kid was out of it. Against better judgement he glanced a look sideways and was met with Whitaker’s lopsided grin. Great. That wasn’t going to haunt him at all. Professional. He reminded himself. He needed to be professional.

”Good, the pain meds are doing their job then. You’re going to have to stay overnight, but you should be good to go in the morning.”

”Hmm, yeah. They told me that earlier.” Heat rushed to Robby’s face, thankful that he was facing away from Whitaker at this point. He sounded gone out. He shouldn’t be in here. He shouldn’t have caved. That nauseous feeling appeared in his stomach again. How perverted was he that Whitaker was laying here injured and he was getting caught up in the way he sounded? In the little moans and the half there voice. Robby truly was a disgusting human being.

”Okay. Well get some sleep, kid. I’ll see you in the morning.” He needed to get out of there. He needed to leave right now. Robby made his way to the door, ready for a speedy exit when Dennis spoke again.

”Goodnight Dr Robby.” And Robby could only chuckle helplessly. He sounded so sweet like this. This kid was doing irreparable things to his psyche.

~~~

Jack had invited him out for a drink. Correction, Jack had forced him to go out for a drink. After Dennis was discharged that morning Jack had insisted that after his shift they go and get a few beers since Robby clearly needed to let off some steam. So here he was. Back in their usual bar at 7:30 on a weeknight. He slid into the booth and Jack handed him a bottle. It was the same as it always was. Except nothing was the same as it usually was. Robby had this weight in his stomach, this ever growing shame and disgust. His burden to carry for the deplorable feelings he had in regards to a certain medical student.

”Hello, earth to Robby.” Jack snapped his fingers in front of Robby’s face.

”I’m sorry what?”

”I asked how you’re holding up, but from the looks of it not very well. What’s going on man?” Jack looked at him with concern.

”I’m fine. I’m doin-“ Robby tried to lie. To chuckle at his friend's concern. Jack cut him off mid sentence.

”Don’t give me the ‘I’m fine’ bullshit Robby. People are talking, and it’s not good.” Jack’s voice was stern. Robby knew he was in trouble. He wasn’t going to give up until Robby gave him what he wanted. An explanation. How was he supposed to explain this though? That was the question.

”Oh like you’d know what people are saying.” He scoffs instead. Tries to turn the conversation around on Jack. Deflect. This isn’t about him.

”I have people that tell me things. I know what’s going on in this hospital.” He simply shrugs. “So what is going on? Are you still going to therapy?”

”Yes.” Robby rolls his eyes.

”Is it still helping? Because it’s not a bad thing if you need to find a new therapist. It took me a year to finally settle with my current one.”

”Therapy’s going fine. My therapist, she’s really good. I like her.”

”Then what’s got you in this mood? I haven’t seen you this stressed out in months.”

”I’ve just had a hard week. I’m tired.” He tries to brush it off again. Maybe if he says it enough times Jack will accept it as the truth.

”No, there’s something more going on. You only get this controlling when there’s something in your life you’re trying to ignore.” Jack stares him down. Forces him to make eye contact. Robby really hates how well he knows him sometimes.

”Fine. Okay, there is something.” He sighs. Still he won’t say it though. He can’t. The pit in his stomach grows larger. Robby wonders if Jack can see it on his face. If in fact he already knows and is just waiting for Robby to confess himself.

”Are you going to tell me what it is?” Jack shakes his head. Robby knows that Jack can go all night. That once he’s got the scent he won’t back down until he knows what it is. He puts his head in his hands and breathes slowly.

”Jack, it’s bad.” He warns him.

”Robby. Whatever it is, I'm here to help.” Concern was setting into his features. Robby couldn’t bear to look at him.

”I don’t think I can say it.” He whispers.

”You’re gonna have to man. You’re scaring me now.” Jack chuckles trying to ease the tension.

”Huh, god. Okay.” Robby tried to psych himself up for the inevitable. “You know how I told you I was doing equine therapy?” Jack nodded along with him. “And how the med student we’ve just had, Whitaker, works there?” There’s a look of realization on Jack’s face. Robby ducks his head down in embarrassment. He doesn’t know if he can continue.

”Robby. Please don’t tell me you’ve slept with a med student. Because I was joking when I said you had a crush-“

”No! No, no.” Robby was quick to cut him off. “I haven’t slept with a med student.” His face was beat red by this point.

”Oh. But you want to.” Jack smirked.

”Yes!” He hissed. “And I can’t. I feel like a perverted old man. The kid’s young enough to be my son. I took him under my wing. I tried to be his mentor.”

”Maybe he’s into that? The student teacher thing.”

”Jack!” Robby scoffed. “You’re not helping.”

”So you’ve got a little crush on the kid. Who cares?”

”HR for one.” Robby rebutted.

”He doesn’t work at the hospital anymore.” Jack shrugged.

”It’s morally and ethically wrong.”

”He’s an adult. He’s, what 26? He can make his own decisions.”

”He wants to work in the ED. It’s a conflict of interest if I do anything and then have to be the one giving him his interview.”

”Then don’t let it conflict any interests.” Jack rolled his eyes. Robby didn’t understand how Jack wasn’t getting this. “Look the way I see it, you're scared because you have feelings for someone younger than you. And you think that because you’re in a position of power it’s something that can come across as an abuse of that power. It doesn’t have to be though. It’s only an abuse of power if you go about it with malicious intent, which from the looks of this meltdown is not something you’re doing. You’re not holding anything over the kid’s head. You’re not promising him the residency position if he blows you.” Robby grimaces at the statement coming from Jack. “You’re an adult, who has happened to develop feelings for another adult who you work with. Exactly the same as what happened with Collins.”

”That was different. Collins was already a resident and she wasn’t 26 when we got together.” Robby tries to defend himself.

”But you were still her chief attending. You did still held that power over her. The only difference this time is that he’s younger. It’s the age thing that’s fucking with you.”

”Yes, it’s the age thing.”

”Plenty of people get with people younger than them.” Jack stretched his arms out behind his head.

”Over two decades younger though?”

”There’s nearly two decades between myself and Dr Mohan.” Jack shrugged like he had just announced something Robby already knew.

”Wait. Hang on. You and-“ The name died on his lips.

”Yeah. It’s still early days though, so keep that to yourself. But that’s what I’m saying man. It doesn’t have to be a big deal.”

~~~

It was a big deal though. It was a massive deal, and Robby didn’t feel any better about it as he drove up to North Pittsburgh Stable. He was in a fair mind to just turn around and go back home. To never step foot in that place ever again, and pray that Dennis matched with a different hospital. He didn’t though. He kept driving until he reached the edge of the property and turned down the road. Maybe Whitaker wouldn’t be here at all. The kid had just broken three ribs a couple of days ago. If anything he definitely shouldn’t be here. He should be at home resting. The thought helped to ease the tension in his shoulders a little bit as he pulled into the parking lot. Yeah, Whitaker wouldn’t be here. He could do his lesson and go home and never have to see the boy.

His prayers had been answered. As he walked into the barn there was no sign of the kid. This was great news. Blaze’s ears pricked up as he walked into the stall, obviously sensing the concoction of emotions swirling around right now. He let the horse take them from him. There was no sign of Dennis Whitaker the entire time he was in the barn. Not a sign of him at all. This helped to put Robby’s mind at ease as he groomed and tacked up Blaze. The kid must not have been here after all. Good, he must be at home resting like he was supposed to. Robby let out a chuckle, and wondered what he had been so worried about after all.

~~~

The universe was mocking him. He had finished his lesson and was untacking Blaze when he heard it.

”Dennis! Can you start the afternoon feed?” The sound of one of the stable hand’s voices called through the barn.

”Just starting it now!” The unmistakable sound of Dennis Whitaker called back out. Robby was so fucked. Whitaker was in the feed room. The room opposite the tack room, which was conveniently the place he would need to go to in about a minute's time. Could he just stay here? Could he leave the tack on the stable door and try to sneak out the bottom end of the indoor arena? Maybe he could just high tail it out of the barn and hope that Whitaker doesn’t see him run by. He couldn’t face the kid. He was still dreaming about him now. Dennis’ stint in the hospital had only added fuel to the fire. Now he knew what he sounded like whiny and out of it. That had added a new set of scenarios to his unconscious mind. Robby hadn’t woken up hard and aching so much since he was in college. He wasn’t even aware he still possessed the ability to do that. His chat with Jack had not helped to ail his worries, despite Jack’s best efforts to put him at ease about it all. He had not told his best friend about the thoughts that plagued his mind, those were his dirty perverted thoughts and he would keep them to himself thank you very much.

In a huff of resignation, and a pointed look from Blaze, Robby decided he would have to take the tack back. If he didn’t Whitaker would only have to do it himself, and the boy should definitely not be carrying heavy things with three broken ribs. He walked up the aisle, saddle and bridle in hand, towards the tack room. He held his breath as he entered, trying not to make a sound that would alert Whitaker to his presence. Robby made quick work putting everything back where it was meant to go. He had always been a pedantic about organisation. That was when he heard it.

A soft whimper filtered through the open door. Robby’s head snapped up at it. His breath caught in his throat. He was frozen in place, craning his ears to try and hear it again. Had he been hearing things or was that what it sounded like. A second soft sob sounded. Muffled this time, as though the person —as though Whitaker— had his hand over his mouth to stifle the sound. Robby didn’t know what to do. Did he pretend he didn’t hear anything? Leave the barn and the crying boy behind? Or did he go in there? Robby’s heart was in his throat. He didn’t hear anything again for a second. It must have been over. Then he heard the tell tale hiss and whine of pain, followed by another sob. This one more vocal, louder, unobstructed. Robby couldn’t help himself. He dashed through to the other room, taking in the view in front of him. Whitaker was sitting on top of the feed box, head down, with his arm stretched across his face. His mouth was in the crook of his elbow. He was shaking as he tried to hide the sobs in his own skin. The boy was crying. Full on crying. His head was down, but Robby could still see the fat tears rolling down his face.

”Hey, kid. What’s going on?” Robby stammered out concerned, moving closer to the crying boy. Whitaker jumped and looked up before turning to face away. Trying desperately to hide in shame.

”I’m fine. I swear. I’m okay, I’m fine.” Whitaker rambled through shallow breaths. Obviously he wasn’t. There was no denying that, yet here he sat visibly crying trying to deny that that’s what was going on.

”No you’re not. Come on, what’s wrong? Is it your ribs?” Robby tried to stay calm. He could not scoop this boy up into his arms and make the pain go away. He absolutely could not. He kept his feet planted where they were. A respectable two feet away from him.

”No.” He shook his head in a pathetic whimper. Robby just sighed, lord give him strength. “Yes. I don’t know, it’s everything.” He sobbed.

”Everything. Wow. Why don’t you tell me what everything is?” Robby tried to chuckle. With that the floodgates opened. Both physically and metaphorically. Dennis was openly sobbing now.

”Fuck. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now.” He began, Robby didn’t know where this was going. “I’ve got interviews lined up out of state and I accepted them because I’m an idiot even though I don’t have anywhere near enough money to afford to get to them. And now Izzy won’t let me do more than two shifts a week because of my injury, so I can’t even work like crazy and hope that I can earn enough before I have to go. I can’t borrow it off of anyone because who’s got five hundred bucks just lying around that I can borrow? Five hundred bucks that they’d be okay with lending me at least until my residency begins as well. I shouldn’t even be here at all and Izzy keeps threatening to send me home because she thinks I’m going to hurt myself further, and fuck, yes my ribs really hurt.” Dennis was bawling his eyes out now. Holding his arms around his middle, trying to make himself smaller. 

Robby closed the gap. His feelings aside, this kid needed someone right now, and the only someone here was him. He pushed everything he felt away for a moment and walked up to Dennis. He slotted himself in front of the kid and pulled him into his chest. Held the back of his head and let the poor man cry against his chest until he’d burnt himself out. Robby carded his fingers through Dennis’ hair, trying to be soothing. It was soft. That was the first thing Robby noticed. That and with the added length that had grown over the last past few months his hair was beginning to curl at the ends. They stayed like that for a moment. Just the two of them, in the feed room, as Dennis cried against Robby’s chest.

”This is what we’re going to do.” Robby spoke quietly. Dennis’ sobs began to taper off, the worst of his tears over now. “I’m going to take you home and you’re going to rest. Doctor’s orders.”

”But Robby-“ Dennis tried to cut him off.

”Ah, ah, ah. You’re going home, end of. I will lend you the money for your interviews. And don’t even try to turn it down, I’m offering. You’ve accepted these interviews, you’ve made a commitment. So you’re going to stick to it. I can give you the money you need to cover getting there. You can repay me when you start your residency, whether it’s here or in New York or Boston. There are people who are willing to help you Dennis. Let us help you. You don’t have to do it all alone.” Dennis pulled away from Robby’s chest.

”Robby, you really don’t-“

”What did I say kid? Don’t try and turn it down. You’ll only offend me.”

”Sorry. Okay, thank you.” Dennis whispered, wiping his face on his sleeve.

”Okay. So we have a plan.” Robby stepped back, out of Dennis’ space. “Go and get your things and meet me in the car. Tell Izzy you’re going home and that you’re taking some time off until you’re better.” Dennis gave a small nod before climbing off of the feed box. He watched him leave the small room and listened until he couldn’t hear his footsteps any more. Robby headed out towards the car.

The heater was already running when Dennis slid in the passenger door.

Chapter Text

The number flashed on Dennis’ screen. He almost dropped his phone in shock when he read it. $700. There was currently seven hundred dollars sitting in his bank account. Robby had sent him nearly double what he needed for his interviews. A second notification popped up on his phone.

‘You’ll have more interviews in a few weeks, so I sent you a bit more. Get yourself a new suit as well.’

A bit more? Dennis was currently looking at what might have been the most disposable money he’d ever seen in his life. Sure he’d seen more money than this before, but that was money he was immediately divvying out into bill payments. Money that wouldn’t stick around until the end of the week. He felt the pit form in his stomach. Dennis knew Robby was well off. He had to be, he was an attending and had been for quite a long time. Being the chief attending had to make him a fair amount of money. But to be well off enough that he could just drop seven hundred dollars at the drop of a hat. It almost made Dennis feel sick. The man was living a completely different life to him. One without financial insecurity. Dennis could only dream of living like that one day.

He made the arrangements over the course of a few days. His first interview was in Philadelphia, and he would have to get a coach out there on the Sunday. His next one was in New York on Wednesday, followed by Boston on the Friday. The travel and accommodation alone came out to just under five hundred dollars. Dennis wouldn’t admit how much of a weight off of his shoulders the extra money was. That weight had simply moved to being a guilty feeling in his stomach. When was he going to pay this back? That was the question that plagued his mind. Maybe he could just try and work an insane amount of hours at the barn once his interviews were over. After match day he would have nothing to do except work full time, so he could maybe earn the money back whilst still trying to pay off his loans. It was a thought for another time though, right now he had to prepare for these interviews.

~~~

Sunday came around all too quickly, and Dennis was standing in the bus station with his worn out duffle bag in hand. Inside was the new suit jacket and pants he’d allowed himself to buy and three crisp white shirts, along with a few other items of clothing for travelling between the cities and some toiletries.

”Is that all you’re taking?” Trinity had commented when he threw the bag into the trunk of her car that morning. It was. Dennis knew how to pack light. It was a skill he’d formed years ago when he didn’t own enough to pack anymore. Plus it was easier to only drag one bag around from shelter to shelter. He’d simply nodded before getting into the passenger seat beside her. Now he was sitting inside Pittsburgh Intermodal Station waiting to board the seven hour coach to Philadelphia. Neither he nor Trinity was one for big send offs. She’d dropped him off at the doors with a hug and a promise to be safe and to text her when he got there. She had to get to work anyway. He knew nothing about the city besides the fact that it’s where Rocky was set. His oldest brother had loved those films growing up, so everything he knew about the place came from those films.

The bus pulled into the station and Dennis felt his heart swoop. This was it. There was no going back now. He followed the line out to the coach and threw his bag into the luggage storage before boarding. In seven hours time he would be in Philadelphia, in twenty four he would be waiting to go in for his interview. His whole life could change in the matter of a day. Months from now he might be making this journey all over again to start his life over once again. This moment right here felt very reminiscent of when he left home. When he got into the car he’d inherited from his brother —a beaten up old truck that rattled when he did over 50mph— and drove away from his parents home, no daring to look back in case he started crying. These might be the last few months he spends in Pittsburgh. Four years of his life, some of the best friends he’d ever made, Trinity the sister he hadn’t known he’d needed, all just gone by the time summer rolled around. 

And then there was the Robby of it all. The distance would be good in the long run, he could put those feelings away in a little box somewhere. A box in the attic of his mind labelled ‘med school’ that he would forget about over time. Maybe he’d go up there every couple of years, dust off the cobwebs and reminisce about the inappropriate crush he had as a dumb kid in his twenties. The hug had played on his mind a lot since it happened. The way it had felt so right, so comfortable, so much like a home he’d long since forgotten. Maybe one he’d never truly had to begin with. They’d fit together perfectly and that was a scary thought. He could live forever in those arms, in the way Robby’s hands had found their way into his hair. A scary thought indeed.

Dennis came to from his thoughts and realised they were moving now. There really was no turning back from here.

~~~

The interview went well. Dennis couldn’t really remember much of it, he’d blacked out pretty much as soon as he stepped through the hospital doors, but he left with the sense in his mind that it went okay so he was going to cling to that. From the bits and pieces he did remember the hospital had seemed nice. It was older than PTMC, their facilities were a little outdated but nothing too crazy. The people all seemed nice as well. They were accommodating as they showed Dennis around and spoke to him. The place didn’t feel like home though, but really was any hospital he interviewed at going to feel like that? PTMC hadn’t felt like home the first time he stepped into it. It hadn’t felt like home until the end of his first day in emergency medicine. Once he’d learnt his way around, gotten to know the people. Any hospital he began his residency in he would have to settle in first before the place really began to feel like his own, he knew that. He still couldn’t help the feeling that something was missing here though.

The next morning he was packed up again, shoving his toothbrush back into his bag as he made his way to the train station to head for New York. This was the big one. New York felt like a fantasy world to Dennis, and to get a train there as well? Dennis had never been on a train before. He wouldn’t admit that to Trinity, she would have only laughed at him. He knew that this was the part of the country she had come from. She’d told him one night that she was from Brooklyn. Not historically part of New York, but now one of the five boroughs of the city. She’d given him places he needed to visit, things he needed to see. Dennis was sure the whole place was going to be incredibly overwhelming for him. He never even thought he was going to get an interview here. He’d only put it down so that he could say to people that he’d applied for New York. In fact the hospital he’d chosen wasn’t even a particularly big one. Yet now here he was, making his way up to the city his parents had scoffed at all those years ago.

It was just as overwhelming as he thought it was going to be. The busy hustle and bustle, the ever present hum of the city. Nowhere was quiet here and Dennis hated it. As he tossed and turned in his hostel bed with its cheap linens, listening to the snoring of the people around him, he decided that he hated this city. He could hear cars honking and police sirens wailing. He’d thought Pittsburgh was bad when he first moved there. New York made it feel like an idyllic sleepy town.

~~~

Friday came around and Dennis was in Boston. He’d gotten there the evening before. Boston was nice. After the thrum of New York this place felt like a utopia to him. With its rich architecture and swarming hills. He kind of loved it here.

‘How’re you holding up huckleberry?’ The text from Trinity read. He was on the bus now, on his way to his final interview. He would be doing a hands on shift with five other candidates.

‘On my way to my shift. Boston’s nice, I like it here.’ He responded to her before turning to look back out the window. He was enthralled by the scenery around him. He had escaped the hell hole of high rise buildings and concrete jungle that was New York and had made it here, to beautiful red brick scenery, sprawling parks, and a harbour. Dennis had never seen the Atlantic Ocean before. He wasn’t too impressed by how murky and grey it was, but not everything could be perfect.

Dennis was pleased with how the shift went. The place was busier than PTMC but after Pittfest everyday felt easy. The residents he was helping asked him questions about the event and his involvement in it. They all seemed to be very impressed with what he had to say. His fellow candidates all seemed lovely as well. They had come from all over, and he had a chance to talk to a few of them throughout the day. So far Boston was his favourite of the three places he’d interviewed at. The six of them finished their trial shifts at 6pm. An hour before the rest of the staff were due to leave. They still had to do the interview part of the day. Dennis changed out of the scrubs that had been provided and donned his suit, the one that Robby had paid for, and walked over to the chief attending’s office.

Outside the office sat six chairs for them. They were to be called in one at a time to talk over their skills and attributes. To sell themselves to this hospital and explain why they should be the one to garner the singular residency place they offered. All six of them looked nervous as they took their seats in alphabetical order. Dennis would be going last.

”Hey, Whitaker.” One of the guys, two seats up from him whispered whilst they waited. “We’re all going to go out for a drink later to celebrate, d’you wanna come with?” Dennis had to think about it for a moment. He still had some cash left over, he’d been frugal with money the whole week and it had left him with more than he thought.

”Yeah, sure. I’ll come with.” He smiled.

”Cool. Let me get your phone number before we go and I’ll send you the address for the bar.” 

They went back to sitting in silence after that. Dennis watched as one by one they were called into the room. His hands were sweating and the lump in his throat was growing by the second. None of them spoke once they reemerged from the room, simply nodded to them all and walked away. He could do this. He’d done this twice before this week. This was no different than any of those other interviews. Except he liked it here. He could see himself in this place. If he didn’t match with PTMC he’d want to match here. Then the final person came out, shortly followed by one of the administrative staff who was helping conduct the interviews.

”Dennis Whitaker?” She called out his name. Dennis stood up on shaky legs.

”Hi.” He smiled and shook her hand. It was always polite to shake someone’s hand when you first met them, that had been drilled into him from an early age.

”Come in.”

~~~

Dennis checked the address on his phone before he walked into the bar. It was a dive bar, not too dissimilar to the types of places Trinity dragged him to on the occasion they weren’t both exhausted from work. It was dingy and loud, and had a vaguely Irish aesthetic. He looked around as he walked across the threshold. To his left someone stuck their hand in the air and waved him over. A sigh of relief washed over him, he wasn’t in the wrong place. The group of med students were sat in a booth and Dennis took the empty space at the end.

“We ordered you a beer, I hope you don’t mind?” The girl sat next to him, her name might have been Beth but he couldn’t really remember, smiled at him.

”That’s fine. Thank you.” 

At some point in the evening the group had switched over to harder drinks. Beers became cocktails, when then morphed into shots. Dennis was drunk, like really drunk. He didn’t drink hard liquor often but when he did it hit him hard. Tequila was the worst for him, and by midnight he’d had maybe four shots of the stuff. He’d tried to cut himself off an hour or two ago with a feigned expression about not having the money to buy anymore drinks, but this had just led to the others in their booth buying him drinks on their behalf. He was having fun though. They’d complained about the shift and about their interviews. Dennis had told them the story about the clown and the IO drill during Pittfest. The laughter from the group was infectious and Dennis really didn’t want to leave. He still had one more day in Boston. He was going back first thing Sunday morning, getting a 16 hour coach back to Pittsburgh, so he had nowhere to be for another day. Tonight he could let loose and have fun.

It was 1am when they called it quits. One of the girls in their group had made a B-line for the bathroom to throw up and they’d decided then and there it was probably best to quit whilst they were ahead. They huffed together outside the bar as they all ordered Ubers back to their hotels, a few of them lighting cigarettes whilst they waited. Dennis bummed a few drags off of one. He didn’t smoke, not really, but when he was really drunk he did like to steal a few drags off of someone who was already smoking. He smoked socially, sue him, a few puffs of smoke every once in a while wasn’t going to kill him. He handed the cigarette back to the guy standing next to him when his uber pulled up on the curb. Three of them had already left, when did that happen. On shaky legs he made his way over to the door. Was he swaying? Either he was or the world around him was. Dennis couldn’t figure out which one it could be.

”Bye guys!” He called out and waved as he ducking into the back seat of the car,

”Bye Whitaker!” They called out in response. They might have said something else, but Dennis slammed the car door behind him so whatever they said got cut off. He leaned back against the headrest and tried to breathe. The world around him was spinning.

Miraculously Dennis made it back to his hotel. It was a cheap place further out of the city, but he had a room to himself unlike the hostel he’d stayed at in New York. He was thankful for the quiet. Dennis managed to get back to his room in one piece and flopped down on the bed. He looked at his phone for the time. 2:17am. When did it get so late? Underneath the time sat a text message.

‘How did the interview go?’ It was from Robby. 

He couldn’t help the shit eating grin from spreading across his face. Robby was checking up on him. He cared enough to check up and see how he was doing. Dennis giggled, full on giggled. He clicked onto the contacts app. Robby wanted to know how his interview had gone. His free hand snaked its way into his pants. He should call Robby, tell him how it went. He couldn’t really focus on the screen properly anyway, so calling him was probably the best idea. He scrolled down to his contact on his phone. The man had given him his phone number, and he’d asked him how it went. He should definitely call Robby. He was half hard as he mindlessly played with himself. He was going to do it. This was a good idea. He clicked the call button and put the phone on speaker, dropping it on his chest as he continued to haphazardly stroke himself under his pants. This was definitely a good idea.

”Hello?” Came the sleep ailed voice of one Dr Robby Robinavitch. Dennis let out a content hum.