Work Text:
INT. - A COMMUNAL KITCHEN OF IIO - DAY
Intern 1 is sitting behind a table, eating something from a container.
INTERN 1
Personally, I’d add some sauce. It’s really bland…
(sounds of something crunching on his teeth)
Or, I take it back! Now it’s too spicy!
(takes a deep gulp of water)
The audience laughs.
Intern 2 enters the kitchen.
INTERN 2
Man, I’m so hungry I could eat a hawktopus…
INTERN 1
Isn’t it cannibalism?
The audience laughs.
INTERN 2
I don’t get it.
The audience laughs some more.
INTERN 1
Never mind. Now try that, it’s quite good!
(offers a container)
Intern 2 takes a clean fork and tastes some bits from what seems like pieces of stew.
INTERN 2
I’d add some salt or…
(something loudly cracks in his teeth)
Wow, it’s really spicy!
The audience laughs.
INTERN 1
Really, I didn’t think Doc Pines was such a great cook! But this is awesome!
INTERN 2
Wait, he cooked this? I didn’t know he cooked for anyone…
INTERN 1
No idea, but I forgot my own lunch. And maybe I was a bit pissed over Doc’s annotation of my paper, so…
Intern 1 shows a lid with a post-it spelling out “Do not touch. Dr Pines”.
INTERN 2
(gasps)
Are you stealing his lunch?!
INTERN 1
Oh, don't be a chicken! We'll just blame the gnomes as always! He'll never know it was us!
INT. - A HALLWAY OF IIO - DAY
Stanford Pines is walking, writing in his notebook without looking where he’s going.
STANFORD
It’s time to check how my samples of Lichecken are doing…
He opens a door marked with a “Kitchen” writing, and two meter-sized chickens are running out, covered in colourful lichen.
Stanford groans with irritation, looking into an empty kitchen and mostly empty container.
STANFORD
Oh great! Now I need new samples!
The audience laughs.
STANFORD
And probably new interns…
The audience laughs as if this is the greatest joke they heard.
MONTAGE - INTRO, consisting of changing sequences of Stan&Jimmy Hal&Hugo kicking monsters and of Ford&Fidds screaming at something being exploded. Ends in a logo of “Silver Forest”.
INT. - AN OFFICE OF “SILVER FOREST” SLASH KITCHEN SLASH LIVING ROOM - DAY
Jimmy Hugo is reading instructions on a cardbox.
HUGO
…Now add a glass of boiled water…
(looks for the kettle and doesn't find it)
Oh well, let's do it our way!
(fills a mug with water, holds the mug in one hand, snaps fingers of the other - it is now covered in flames; holds the flamed hand under the mug)
Cooking is so easy!
The audience laughs.
Suddenly, the telephone rings. Hugo yelps and drops the mug which due a series of unfortunate encounters with surfaces and edges shatters straight in the bowl filled with yellow mixture.
HUGO
Oh fuck!
(he eyes the bowl then the telephone number that still is ringing)
Hope it's a new job.
Hugo gets to the phone.
HUGO
This is ‘Silver Forest Agency’ speaking. Of what may I…
A VOICE
Do you believe in our Green Lord and Unearthly Savior…?
HUGO
No.
(slams the phone down)
Stupid churches of Saint Aliens, can't get a hint…
The phone rings again. Hugo groans but picks it up.
HUGO
This is ‘Silver Forest Agency’...
SAME VOICE
…Because our Green Lord and Unearthly Savior believes in you…
The phone is slammed down once again.
A beat, and it rings again.
HUGO
I swear to this Green Lord, but I'm going to boil them too!
The audience laughs, uncomfortably.
Meanwhile Hugo picks the phone for another time.
HUGO
Listen, you, alien-loving idiot, the little green people don't care about what either of us are doing, so stop wasting your time and find a real hobby! Or a job even!
Beat.
STANFORD PINES' VOICE
(flat and unimpressed)
So I guess you read my last published paper and don't agree with it.
The audience half cheers half laughs.
HUGO
(to a side)
Fuck.
(to the phone)
…That's what I'd say if I didn't think that researching alien technology was a perfectly valid source of income for our loyal customer!
(grins)
STANFORD’S VOICE
Right.
HUGO
(coughs nervously)
Now, what can I do for you this time?
STANFORD'S VOICE
Oh, I'd like to repeat a delivery for Lichecken, or even to double it.
HUGO
Did you already study it all in just two days?
The audience laughs.
STANFORD'S VOICE
There was some unforeseen delay in my research.
The audience laughs some more.
HUGO
What, your dog ate it?
(chuckles)
STANFORD'S VOICE
…you could say that.
The audience ROFLs.
Beat to let the audience return to their seats.
HUGO
Right. We'll get it ASAP.
Beat.
STANFORD’S VOICE
So, you didn't read my latest paper?
HUGO
My partner did.
The audience awwwwws.
STANFORD’S VOICE
Oh? And… what did he say?
The audience coos.
HUGO
…Let's say he wasn't impressed.
STANFORD’S VOICE
(dejectedly)
Oh.
The audience gasps.
Beat.
HUGO:
Per chance, do you have any other jobs for us? We have a… discount on… finding persons?
STANFORD’S VOICE
…No, Fiddleford forbade me from trying to undeadify people ever again. Well, anyway, call me when you are done!
(hangs up)
HUGO
…And Hal said his twin is some sort of genius…
HAL'S VOICE
You called?
The audience shouts in excitement.
Hal appears, looking like he just returned from a long trip: he's covered in dirt, scratches and generally looking like someone wiped several surfaces with him.
HUGO
Did you get it?
HAL
Yes, I bought the salt.
(slams a packet of ordinary kitchen salt on the table and notices a bowl)
What are you cooking?
HUGO
(glances at the contents that now more like a goo with lots of shards, then swipes the bowl into a trash can)
Nothing.
HAL
(laughs)
Oh, my favourite. Nothing, grilled to medium rare!
HUGO
(chuckles too)
Delivery then?
HAL
Looks like it. And speaking of calls, was that one for a job or…?
Beat, while the audience audibly takes a breath.
HUGO
Both. Your twin has another order for us.
Beat.
HAL
Soo, what is he asking for?
(makes a ‘blink and miss it’ hopeful expression)
HUGO
Nope, he didn't mention any Stanleys...
Gasps from the audience.
HUGO
...Which doesn't make anything to do with the fact that you forbade me from directly asking about you.
HAL
…Is that sarcasm?
HUGO
…No.
They stare at each other, before Hal loudly signs and drops at the chair.
HAL
Am I asking too much for him to reach me not because someone made him do it, but because he actually wants me in his life?
The audience half cheers half cries.
HUGO
…And do you really want to just sit and wait for him to do the first step? Do you intend to just keep spying from afar if he never does??
The audience all shouts ‘No!’
HAL
Yes!
(Pause, then his expression drops and voice becomes fragile)
I won't survive if I get my hopes up again and he just… sends me out on another errand.
The audience cries and curses.
HUGO
(after another beat)
You know, he still regularly sends us on another errand.
HAL
(grins with a fake grin)
But he doesn't know it's me so it doesn't count!
The audience has a stroke and won't be participating any longer.
HAL
So, what is it this time?
HUGO
Lichecken, and to double the previous amount.
HAL
(smirks)
Already?
HUGO
As he quoted, ‘his paper was unforeseenly delayed’.
HAL
(full out laughs)
What, a dog ate it or something?
HUGO
(laughs too)
That's exactly what I said!
EXT. - A DEEP FOREST - DARKEST NIGHT
Hal and Hugo are crawling around the trees and rocks, Hal holding a flame on his palm for some light and Hugo picking up the pieces of lichecken and putting it in a shopping plastic bag.
HUGO
Can we switch? My back won't ever be straight again at this rate.
HAL
Yep, sure. But massage is on you later.
HUGO
(sighs with relief)
You owe me one too, actually.
(passes a bag and then snaps his fingers. His own flame is noticeably bigger)
They spend some more minutes gathering, before a loud creaking noise is heard above their heads.
Hal immediately pauses, gets on his feet and looks up and around.
Hugo does the same, and when the noise is repeated, closes his fist to make the flame disappear.
HUGO
(whispers)
It doesn't sound friendly.
HAL
(whispers too)
It sure doesn't. I haven't seen anything like it the last time.
HUGO
If I got it right, the last time you managed to finish the search during the daylight…
(suddenly shouts)
Stan, get down!
Hal drops on the ground, just in time as a giant bat swooped down in a spot where his head was. Immediately, the bat screeches as Hugo aims a bright fireball at its direction. The bat manages to evade it, not without obvious difficulty, but in the next moment the bat [animal] gets hit by a bat [object].
[Statement for possible ethics committee led by one very distinguished possum: it was a big bad bat. A criminal even. Very dangerous and very vicious. Certainly not a baby! We do not harm baby bats! End of statement]
The bat staggers away in the air and unevenly flies away, screeching with complaining tones.
HAL
(stands up with a still raised bat and lifts a half-filled bag of their seeked resource)
Would you rather like to double down and finish the job ASAP to never return here ever again or go take a break in the car and just chill till dawn?
HUGO
Given that your twin's dog may just eat it once again and we'll have to return here for another time? My choice is obvious.
HAL
(laughs)
Oh, then car rest it is. I may also remember someone saying something about massage?
Hugo grins and they both start trekking back through the forest.
INT. - THE FRONT DESK OF IIO - DAY
Hugo enters the building, goes to the front desk and winks at the secretary.
HUGO
I'm here to see Dr Pines.
The secretary looks him up and down, shrugs and points at the passage to the side.
Hugo nods and goes further, following the hallway till the door marked with “Dr Stanford Pines, PhD PhD PhD PhD PhD PhD PhD PhD PhD, founder of International Institute of Oddology”. Without knocking, Hugo opens the door, revealing the owner of the office glance up from an old-looking book.
STANFORD
Greetings! I hope it went well?
Hugo places the package (which is obviously not the same bag they were using previously) on the desk.
HUGO
Easy as always.
(coughs)
Sorry about aliens.
STANFORD
(waves him away)
Don't worry, not everyone can appreciate their technical genius. Now, about payment. I'll write out a check as always!
HUGO
That would be cool!
Beat.
Another beat.
Third one.
STANFORD
Did you want something else?
HUGO
That's what I'd like to know.
Stanford looks for his notebook, flips through some pages and shakes his head.
STANFORD
No, nothing at this moment. But you can ask Fiddleford, he's doing some upgrades to this new computing of his, maybe he needs something…?
Hugo huffs and shakes his head too.
HUGO
Sure, I'll ask him.
Hugo leaves the room, follows the path outside and groans at the sky.
HUGO
This is the worst world ever! Such idiots! Both of them!
Hugo takes some deep breaths, before returning into the building, asking for Dr McGucket and following another hallway in his search. He enters the room with a huge construction, all blinking and flashing.
Fiddleford looks up from a keyboard and smiles.
FIDDLEFORD
Hugo! Nice to see you! And you're just in time! I want to increase the efficiency of this beauty’s clairvoyant matrix circuit, so let me draft you a list of possible metals to retrieve their samples!
HUGO
…Sure, as always, our agency is there to have your back. With whatever you want. Waiting for you to realise your true need.
Fiddleford pauses and squints.
FIDDLEFORD
Was that some sarcasm?
HUGO
(after a beat)
No.
THE END...?