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Kitty sat on top of her, tying her wrists to the board above her head. A lot of this was still new to Illyana, all of this... intimacy. She wasn't against trying new things, half of the fun was experimenting, but this technique still puzzled her.
"So, what was the point of this again?" Illyana asked.
"The point," Kitty began, "is that you won't be able to hold on to anything, including me. And you will be-," she tightened the final knot in a way that made Illyana's chest squeeze, "completely at my mercy." She sat back, smiling, then quickly added, "In a fun way." She laid her hands gently on Illyana's chest. "Above all else; it is an exercise in trust and communication. I won't do anything you don't want me to."
Illyana nodded her head slowly, processing the explanation. A little bit of manufactured helplessness to allow her Katya to do anything she pleased. Plus, she wouldn't have to do anything besides sit back and enjoy the ride. She could get behind that.
"I do trust you, more than anyone," Illyana said.
One would think Kitty had been given the world, the way she smiled after hearing that. She leaned down and kissed her deeply, drawing out a hum.
"Thank you, baby," Kitty cooed at her.
Kitty then reached up to double check her rope work, ensuring it was safe and secure. She looked back to Illyana.
"You okay to keep going?" Kitty asked with a gentle smile.
"I am," Illyana replied. She then posed as dramatically as she could while pinned like this. "Have your way with me, Kitten," she said playfully.
Kitty's gentle smile then turned smug as she hovered over her lover, their lips brushing together. "I plan to," she whispered before kissing her again.
Kitty pressed soft kisses to Illyana's neck, barely making contact, teasing. The warm breaths against her skin made her squirm, wanting for more. As she squirmed, the rope holding her in place creaked. It wasn't painful, at least not enough to distract from what Kitty was doing. She found that being held back only heightened her desire to grab onto something, or someone, and do her share of exploring. It made her hotter in all the right places and brought a flush to her cheeks. She was starting to understand why Kitty wanted to try this.
Though with the sensation of her wrists straining against the rope came a long buried memory pressing against the front of her mind. She forced it back down. Whatever it was wasn't important enough to interrupt their fun.
With a gentle hand, Kitty guided Illyana's face towards hers and kissed her in a way that made her heart flutter. Again, the memory tried to make itself known, and again, Illyana shut it down. She was starting to worry that maybe this was something she shouldn't be ignoring, that she should ask if they could stop for a second. But Kitty wanted this, she wanted this. Whatever was bothering her subconscious could wait.
Kitty ran warm fingers across Illyana's abdomen, leaving goosebumps in their wake. These gentle touches weren't enough, she wanted more, and was about to ask for it when Kitty leaned down to whisper in her ear.
"Now, be good for me."
This moment that she had tried to grasp onto slipped through her fingers and the barriers in Illyana's mind shattered as the memory forced itself to the surface. She gasped and-
-----
You open your eyes to see that you are not in your shared bedroom at the manor. You are somewhere dimmer, somewhere familiar, though the familiarity is decidedly uncomfortable.
You are fourteen years old again, and find yourself hanging by your wrists in a small room, other ropes, chains, and tools hang on the walls. Your eyes start to water and your chest tightens as the memories come flooding back. The rope binding you creaks as you try to look around.
No. No no no, you got out of here. You escaped. This can't be real. You shouldn't be here. You're supposed to be with-
"K-...Kitty?" you tentatively call out.
"Eugh, this again?" a gruff voice responds, unmistakably him, and your heart drops into your stomach.
Sy'm enters the room holding... well, you're not sure actually, but if it's like any of his other tools, it can't be good.
"How many times I gotta tell you dat no one's comin' for ya? Quit yer whinin'," he says.
The rope cuts painfully into your wrists as you try to pull against them. Sy'm grabs your face roughly, forcing you to look at him. Every part of you wants to cringe away at his touch, but you know doing so will only make things worse for you. That certainly feels real, but if this is real, then what else is real? What else isn't? Are you still trapped here? Did you imagine everything that happened when you thought you were home? All of that love and peace you experienced, all of the healing you had done, was it all fiction? Just a byproduct of your fractured psyche? Your throat begins to tighten.
"If you had just been good for me, this wouldn'ta had to happen," he sneers, placing all of the blame squarely on you.
You begin to shake, and squeeze your eyes shut in fearful anticipation.
-----
Kitty was just about to move on to her next phase when she heard a quivering whisper underneath her.
"No, please..."
Her eyebrows knitted together and she froze, her mind racing. What happened? She thought this had been going well, that Illyana was enjoying it. What did she do wrong?
"... What?" Kitty responded quietly.
Kitty pulled back and gasped. Illyana was curled in on herself and trembling, weeping with her eyes squeezed shut. She looked so small, so vulnerable, like she had regressed in some way.
"I'll be good, I promise I'll be good..." Illyana muttered in a pleading tone.
"Oh, god," she muttered under her breath.
Kitty wasted no time in climbing off of Illyana and phasing her out of the restraints, then gently pulling her into a sitting position. Shit shit shit.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry, it's over. We're done. You're okay," she apologized in quick succession.
Illyana didn't respond. She sat motionless, hands limp in her lap, crying quietly. The apologies and promises she continued to mutter under her breath were starting to make Kitty feel sick. It was like Illyana was trapped in some horrible meditation.
Kitty grabbed her hand and squeezed it.
"Yana?" she asked.
No response. Kitty placed a hand on her cheek.
"Yana? Baby? Can you hear me?" she pleaded, her voice breaking.
Still nothing. Kitty's heart sank. She didn't understand what was going on, but whatever she had done to her, she had to try and fix it. And if she couldn't, she had three telepaths in the building as backup. She pressed their foreheads together and gently ran her thumb along her cheek.
"Honey, if you can hear me, I'm with you. Whatever this is, I'm not going anywhere," she promised.
-----
You sit slumped with your back pressed into a corner, hiding as much as you can. Your wrists sting, your whole body aches, your head hurts, you can't keep your eyes open, or maybe you're choosing not to look. You'd rather pretend for a while that you're anywhere else.
You hear a voice calling out to you, it sounds worlds away. You don't stir. It's a trick, it must be. Who would be sounding so concerned for you in this awful place? Then the voice suddenly sounds very close, like you could reach out and touch its source. It says it wants to help, it... sounds like her. But how could that be? How could she be here? It's probably a trick, just another way to hurt you, but if it's not, don't you have to take that chance? Maybe she finally found a way to you. Maybe she's here to take you home. You take a deep shaky breath and open your eyes.
-----
The pain in Illyana's body slowly began to fade, rope no longer digging into her wrists, and when she opened her eyes, the person she had asked for was right in front of her. She reached forward and grabbed Kitty's arms, maybe harder than she should have, but she needed to make sure she was real.
"Kitty..." Illyana breathed, relieved that she was finally here.
Something clattered behind her and she looked around frantically, her grasp on Kitty tightening. The space around her was amorphous; not quite their room at the manor, not quite the room Sy'm would drag her to after her perceived transgressions. It was a strange mix between the two, with elements of each, and she couldn't tell which parts were real. The longer she tried to figure it out, the quicker her breaths came.
"...Where am I?" Illyana asked. Her voice was small, she sounded so young.
Illyana's eyes darted around the room, her breathing was erratic, and her hands were shaking. Kitty didn't know what she was seeing, and she didn't know what triggered it, but she had seen it enough times from Logan to recognize the event. Her heart was breaking a thousand times over, but she couldn't focus on that, she needed to guide her back. She carefully placed her hand over Illyana's and kept her voice calm.
"You're home. You're with me. You're safe," Kitty said, trying to reassure her.
Illyana tried to keep her eyes on Kitty as she spoke, to focus on the hand covering her own instead of the shadows looming in the corners. "Home... I'm home..." Illyana repeated slowly.
She wanted to believe her. And despite everything telling her she wasn't, including her own mind, she did. Illyana has had these before, these... flashbacks. They were usually worse because she was usually alone, but this time she had someone guiding her back. The harsh, jagged parts of Limbo that had invaded the room began to fade and her breaths slowed. With every blink the world grew softer, more comforting, and her tense muscles relaxed.
Kitty held her hand gently between her own, running her thumb across the knuckles. She furrowed her brows and kept her voice low. "Are you okay?"
Illyana looked at her with a tired, vacant expression. "I'm..." Illyana didn't know how to respond. She had to fight the instinct to shut down, to push down the feelings and act like everything was fine, to be the strong girl they all expected her to be. And she was strong, but with Kitty she didn't have to be. Right now, with what she had been forced to relive, she didn't want to be strong.
She released a breath and her eyes fluttered closed, her body closing in on itself. "Kitty..." she murmured as tears started rolling down her cheeks. Then she wrapped her arms around Kitty, almost draping herself over her, as her Katya pulled her into a tight hug as she quietly broke down. Illyana was very tired, she was tired of hurting. There was a tightness in her chest and a headache that wouldn't go away. Memories she had tried to bury kept flashing through her mind. And she just wanted them to stop.
"Oh, baby..." Kitty whispered as she held her, rubbing little circles into her back. The rope she had tied onto the bedframe floated into her vision and she had to bite her tongue to stop herself from crying too. That must have been the catalyst, it had to be, it was the only thing they had done differently. Illyana had trusted her to keep her safe and it had all gone so horribly. Neither of them could have known, but it still made her heart feel heavy. She swiftly grabbed the rope and phased it into the wall, both out of guilt and of confidence that they would never use it again. Kitty tried to swallow down the tightness in her throat but her words still came out choked, "I'm so sorry, I never meant for this to happen."
Illyana's thoughts drifted briefly to the technique they were going to try, then shook her head and sniffled. She spoke between heavy staggered breaths, "It's not your fault that I'm... like this." Broken. On the last two words she bunched her hands into the back of Kitty's shirt and let out a shaky breath.
It wasn't Kitty's fault, but that didn't mean she couldn't do something about it. "I love you exactly as you are," she reaffirmed gently. Kitty nuzzled her head against Illyana and pulled her closer. "And you'll never have to go through this alone. I promise."
Illyana was deeply grateful for Kitty's reassurance, even if it made her cry harder. Kitty was always so gentle with her, so understanding. She never judged her actions or questioned her secrets. Even after everything with the Darkchylde, she still trusted her and treated her like nothing had gone wrong. Illyana wondered if Kitty knew how much she valued that, how precious that was to her. She would have to think of a way to show her somehow, to let her know how much it meant to her. Later. For now, she would let herself indulge in the comforts Kitty offered.
-----
Illyana buried her face in Kitty's chest as they laid down to rest, her arms wrapped around Kitty's waist and clinging to her back. The warmth and the scent and the gentleness of it all helped to ground her and remind her where she was. Music played quietly in the background, rhythms and instruments that didn't exist in Limbo. Kitty cradled her head and gently pet her hair. Lockheed laid pressed against her back, guarding it, his reptilian purrs reverberating through her torso. She was surrounded on all sides by love and comfort. Everything she had begged for and never had growing up, but she had it now.
However, in the midst of the peace and quiet, she heard whispers in her mind. Threats that they would find her and drag her back. That they would take away what little she had. She saw flashes of death and dark magicks and heard the echoes of screams. Her whole body would tense, her teeth grinding as she tried to drive the voices from her mind. "I've got you, baby," Kitty would reassure her as Lockheed somehow moved even closer to her, "we've got you." It would take time, she never knew how long, but eventually they always went away. Slowly, with every deep breath she let out, she would release the tension in one part of her body and her mind would grow quiet again.
Illyana had never been able to sleep after an episode like that before, not until that night. Maybe this was progress. Maybe one of these days she would be able to revisit these memories without drowning in them. Maybe with Kitty, it was possible.
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