Work Text:
Kiri finds him on the furthest part of the beach. His whole body is quivering and he knows she can see. It’s the most horrible feeling in the world because he can feel himself flashing and he knows he looks pathetic and disgusting, crying like a little child after running off and now getting all red from embarrassment and ugh! He wishes the ground would open up and swallow him whole. He wishes she’d stop standing there and just turn back and leave, abandon him in his misery like everyone else does.
Deep down he knows that’s not what he wants. He knows it’s just the horrible, hot embarrassment that has settled deep in his belly that’s talking and making him mean-spirited and stubborn and dumb. She knows it too and that’s why she stays. She sits down next to him but doesn’t touch him. She doesn’t ask him what’s wrong because she knows he’s not ready to talk about it. She doesn’t ask him if he’s okay because he’s not.
She just sits there with him, as his sobs become too strong for him to contain.
She slowly raises her hand and leaves it there, an invitation. Without the expectation of acceptance or the request for more. He plants himself on her side and she rubs his back. Part of him can’t believe she’s here, beside him. He thinks he must look disgusting to her, all pink and soft and with tears and snot mixing on his face. She hasn’t seen him cry like that since they were very little and he couldn’t believe it even then that she didn’t nervously make an excuse and run off, like all the adults did back at the base.
Nobody likes a sniveling child. And nobody likes hard and awkward conversations. So he grew up teaching himself to not require them.
“I’m-I’m so- I’m so-” he tries to apologize, even though he can’t catch his breath. He hits his fists on the sand and frustration mixes into the whirlwind of emotion that has been growing wild inside his body, wrecking all the self-composure he’s managed to build these last few days. Wheezes and chocks still echo though and she can hear them, she can see him. She can see all that's horrible and weak and fucked up in him and it’s horrible. It’s horrible and he wants it to stop, but he doesn’t want her to leave. He just doesn’t want her to see him like this. So small. So imperfect. So human.
“Shh, shh” she shushes him and he lowers his head on his knees, hiding his face. He’s never going to be able to look her in the eyes again.
“It’s okay. It’s okay, monkey boy”
She brushes his hair off his shoulders and then he feels the small press of her lips. His heart jumps to his mouth as her breath tickles his skin. She nuzzles her cheek against his all too hot skin and Spider hopes she can’t see how he’s rapidly becoming even more red as his heart is beating as if he’s run half the planet and back.
“It’s going to be okay” she whispers again and Spider shuts his wet, burning eyes and he forces himself to take a small, uneven breath. It lessens some of the tightness in his chest and he forces himself to focus on the cooler body beside him, the slow heart, the rhythmic breath.
There’s so much he wants to say to her that he just can’t get out right now. So he stops and just focuses on her. And it becomes easier. His panic is still making his body feel like a train that went off the rails and is hurling towards destruction but it becomes easier. Because he’s not alone. There’s the slow puff of breath near his neck that somehow has synchronized perfectly with the waves tickling his feet.
Despite everything, he think it might be okay somehow.
When he thinks about it all a day later it’s still really embarrassing and he winces when he remembers himself kicking off the ilu and hurling into the water. He probably looked so childish as he struggled to swim up, kicking and splashing with his flailing arms.
He heard a bout of boyish laughter that he now realizes was probably Aonung interrupted by pained growl. When he got to the shore and spared one fleeting look back, he saw Tsireya with her hands on her hips, looking disapprovingly at her brother who was now rubbing the back of his head.
Kiri was rushing to follow him but he made a run for it. He heard Tuk call his name and saw her further down the beach carrying shells in one hand and holding Lo’ak’s with her other. She tried to wave but accidentally used the arm holding the shells and they all fell to the ground. Lo’ak’s eyes followed him as he run, mouth open as if he was about to call him too, but Spider just averted his gaze and run faster into the small forest surrounding the beach. Good thing too because his eyes started stinging with tears not long after.
He can feel Kiri’s eyes from inside the marui as he sits on the canoe, kicking the water with his feet. They didn’t talk much after the tears ceased and his heart stopped trying to jump out of his chest through his mouth. He knows they should. There’s all this stuff hanging over them. They never used to keep secrets before.
They haven’t even talked about Quaritch, despite the fact that they all saw him, alive and well in the forest. He thinks they all know what happened, but are waiting for Spider to admit it. They don’t even seem angry at him, which makes it so much worse. Maybe they’re just still in shock. Spider knows he is. They’d all been so worried when he’d run out of oxygen. He remembers Kiri’s and Lo’ak horrified faces floating over him, looking like liquid shadows.
He remembers how tired he felt, how heavy his head felt on top of his spine. He remembers not even being afraid, just so incredibly crushed with a sweet sleepiness that only ever came to him after a long day of playing in the forest. He doesn’t think his mind had really comprehended that he was dying. It was all so familiar. They’d been running around all day, they were back in the forest, he was tired and laying on the grass, his friends were there…maybe he was seven again and everything that had happened the past two weeks was a bad dream.
And when he closed his eyes, he could almost hear Neteyam humming, the way he always did when Spider and Lo’ak would fall asleep by the river. Maybe he’d open up his eyes and he’d see him there, with his chubby cheeks and his long hair and skilled fingers carving a smaller bow for him to practice hunting with them. And Lo’ak would be laying in Spider’s shoulder, his face calm and glowing and restful, nothing like the pale mask with the sunken, dark eyes it had become. And Kiri would play with the water, with the fish that would come and sit still on her expecting hands and they’d all look at her with awe as she seamlessly lifts them off the water, just to put them back again. Because she loves everything so much and is it a wonder that the whole planet seems to love her too?
And then he felt Her.
He lifted his legs off the water and buried his eyes in his knees.
This is all he’s ever wanted. So why is he acting so stupid?!
The Great Mother saved him, gave him breath, the ability to connect. He’d always felt like an outsider; like he was forcing himself through an impenetrable wall. He used to hate the sad, pitiful glances the adults would give him. Both the scientists at the labs and the Na’vi warriors at the village. He’d tried to be good because he though if he was good enough, one day, he might finally be seen as more than a wolf pup in sheep’s clothing. He could be more than his parents, more than his kind.
And the Great Mother saw him. Accepted him. Gave him the ability to truly be with his friends. And now he was throwing it away because his skawng, awful, horrible mind couldn’t tell the difference between connecting with the ilu and that damned machine.
And how dare he? How dare he compare the innocent creature, part of the Great Balance’s chain, to that skin-crawling man-made thing?
He was sure that if he’d stayed connected long enough for Tsaheylu to be completed and hadn’t jumped the first moment the tendrils made contact it wouldn’t have been painful. But the bright lights, the explosion of something else inside his mind, something foreign from him, was a little too familiar and his body reacted without his permission.
The canoe moves back and forth suddenly and he sees Jakes feet swing forward as he sits down. He turns away because he doesn’t think he can face him right now. He doesn’t speak at first, waiting to see if Spider will take the first step. He sighs when he doesn’t and shuffles a bit closer. Spider fights the urge to move away. It’s just another one of those things that for some reason his stupid mind doesn’t want to accept. When he was little he would have died to have Jake try to bond with him or take him under his wing so to say.
He used to see the way he’d laughingly throw Neteyam or Lo’ak over his back, tickle them and fill their faces with kisses as they tried to fight him off and Spider had to look away as the old spike of jealousy rose and punctured his heart. Because he knew at the end of the day he’d have to return to Hell’s Gate, to those cold hallways, to his empty, gray bed room. Now the man is here, trying to offer comfort, companionship in a way he never did before. And it just feels so awkward. Spider doesn’t know what to do with all this boundless acceptance and understandment he's been receiving by the man.
He knows his friends have his back no matter what, but Jake always used to keep him at arms length, care about him from a distance. Now this distance has diminished, just like Spider always hoped it would, but it feels wrong and unsafe. It’s like they’re in borrowed time and Jake will slip back to his old self the moment Spider trusts this new closeness. There’s an even darker though that rears its’ ugly head but he cannot help but notice that this new affection Jake has started showing him started immediately after Neteyam’s death, which makes him feel awful. Like he’s stole something that doesn’t belong to him. He doesn’t want that. He doesn’t want the love that has been left with no other place to go.
It doesn’t belong to him. It belongs to Neteyam. And he doesn’t belong with Jake.
He belongs with-
“So, Kiri told me what happened, when you tried to connect with the ilu. Wanna talk about it?”
He was trying to sound casual, which made Spider want to laugh and scream in equal measure. He just rubbed his face and nodded, before he could overthink it. Even though he didn’t want to have this conversation, especially with Jake but he needs to have it at some point and it might as well be now.
“I just, um…I guess I didn’t expect it to feel like…that”.
I didn’t expect the light, the pressure against my own mind, the electricity to remind me so much of the torture they put me through; of the searing, burning pain inside my brain, the blinding light in my eyes. I didn’t expect the taste of death in my tongue. I didn’t expect my heart to jump so hard that I was left without air for a moment.
So many things he wants to say but knows he can’t.
He can’t because this is Jake and Jake is never scared. Jake would have taken the torture and the pain and dealt with it like a man. He wouldn’t allow it to become someone else’s problem, he wouldn’t weight down the people around him with all the darkness and the nightmares and the horror. He’d carry it, silently and secretly so that it wouldn’t infect the lives of those he loves. And Spider has always wanted to be like Jake. So much.
Spider wanted to be like-
“Do you ever feel it? Dying? I mean, I know your memories were copied before…but sometimes when you sleep, I hear you murmur and-”
Quaritch squeezed him tighter against him, as the ikran banked to the left. Spider looked up. His face was staring forward, but his eyes were empty. Like he wasn’t there anymore. The ikran leveled out, and the huge hand came from Spider’s belly to his chest, as if to feel his heart.
“Nothing you need to worry about. ‘K kid?”
Spider squeezes his eyes shut. Maybe people were right. Maybe the rotten apple doesn’t fall that far away from the rotting tree.
A hand lands on his shoulder, big and harsh with callouses like the Colonel’s were. A shiver runs down his spins and he reminds himself to remain very still.
“When I first connected, it was with a direhorse. But my body was made for this sort of thing. It was overwhelming, but it felt right. I ate dirt more than once before I could finally get the gist of it. I was so hang up on trying to control her, instead of working with her” he says, laughing to himself a bit.
Spider smiled too. Forcing an animal to your will sounds silly. And he can’t blame the dire horse for knocking Jake down a peg or two. And it is a pretty funny image. It almost feels wrong to try and image Jake being bucked off and eating shit. And in his mind he looks a hella lot like Lo’ak.
Jake’s own smile deepens.
“You’re a human” he says, and normally Spider would feel annoyed at the reminder but somehow the way Jake says it is different than in the past. It’s not a painful reminder of why he can’t go there or can’t do that. It’s simply a statement.
“What happened that night- it’s a miracle, a blessing- but it can also feel weird and uncomfortable. Your body wasn’t made for it. It might take time to adjust. That’s okay. You don’t have to rush yourself to catch up with Kiri or Lo’ak. Nobody is expecting that from you. Just take your time, do what feels natural to you. The rest will come in time. And if it doesn’t-” he shrugs and then pinches his nose lightly and Spider feels his face wrinkle. “-this is pretty cool too”
Spider can’t help but agree. It’s freeing not having to drag a mask around.
He nods and him and Jake remain quiet after that, staring up at the night sky. If he follows Jake’s gaze, he knows he’ll find it pointed towards Earth’s star. His chest feels a bit lighter.
He doesn’t have the heart to tell Jake that this isn’t the reason he ran off. It didn’t feel weird or wrong. It just felt familiar; too familiar to what had happened to him, to all the nightmares, to the nerve frying spear of pain that still makes pain explode in his head sometimes and he has to sit down and breathe through it as his vison goes white. He doesn’t tell him that on that day he kept confusing past and present, clutching his head as it flashed through then and now and begged, as he cried, for his father to make the pain stop one more time.
He doesn’t tell him how much he wishes the other man was here right now, instead of Jake. Because he doesn’t much care what Qutritch thinks of him anyways. He’s already seen Spider at his ugliest, most pathetic state. And he stayed, despite that, in a way that Jake never had when Spider was younger and would ask for something more, that Jake wasn’t comfortable enough to give him. He thinks if it was Quaritch here, Spider would just tell him what was wrong; wouldn’t even think about it. And it was sad and lonely and twisted up how the worst person he knows is the only one who truly understands him; the only person Spider isn’t scared he’ll lose if he lets himself need too much.
So he sticks with Jake’s story because it’s a nicer story to tell. It implies that nothing bad ever happened. That Spider is the same as he always was, running after his friends and being reminded that he just can’t do all that they can and that he needs to take his time.
It’s a nice thought and he decides that’s what he’ll tell Kiri if she asks.
So he sits close to Jake, enjoying the night sky and the easy silence that has come between them, as the older man rubs his shoulder.
Kiri and Lo’ak and the reef kids accept it immediately and Spider is glad. Even Tuk curls up next to him and wraps her small, big arms around his middle and tells him that it’s okay, she’s still too young to ride an ilu on her own too, but they can learn together. Spider tells her he thinks that they’ll even become better than Kiri and Lo’ak, definitely better than Aonung and they all laugh. Except Aonung who rolls his eyes but Spider can see him fight a slight upward twitch of his lips.
So for the next few days that pass he is on feeding duty. Tsireya decides that he first must get used to the ilus’ presence and then they can work their way up slowly. He’s basically thrown in the kiddy pool but he doesn’t really mind. He gets to spend more time with Tuk and her friends and she gets to show off her sky person brother who is weird and pink and small but still strong enough to lift her and can fish as good as any adult.
The kids treat him like the most amazing thing to ever exist and they mess with his hair and they scream and giggle, thrilled, when he hisses and chases them around. It’s all really nice, even if Lo’ak makes fun of him for being the baby now and Spider has to shoot back that Lo’ak will always be his baby brother, no matter how much time passes, or how taler Lo’ak becomes and how short Spider remains. Lo’ak eyes twinkle at the nickname ‘baby brother’ but he still hugs Spider and lays his head on his shoulder and falls asleep as Spider hums a familiar tune that they both have missed terribly.
So he’s surprised when, as he's sitting on the beach, watching some of the other kids connect with their ilu for the first time, a shadow lands over him to come and disturb the easy blissfulness he’s managed to get himself comfortable in.
He looks up, thinking it’s either Kiri or Lo’ak. His blood freezes in his veins when he sees Neytiri looking down on him, extremely unimpressed. She purses her lips and moves around him to sit next to him. Spider feels his whole body shudder. His skin crawls as his mind is almost screaming at him to run away. She has put more distance between herself than Jake had but she is definitely sitting next to him.
Spider gulps and forces himself to look forward, as if by ignoring her she’ll leave him alone. He isn’t sure why she came here, why she is acknowledging him in this way. Their interactions usually spun around three phrases “It’s time for dinner, you must leave”, “The kids want you to sleep over, you will stay, but you will be very quiet”, “why don’t you ever play with kids of your own kind?”.
Or some variations of that.
He doesn’t count the incident on the sea dragon because he doesn’t think anyone was in their right mind that night. His fingers touch his scar instinctively and he sees her tilt her head with the edge of his eyes. He turns to look at her and finds her looking at the scar. He can’t read her expression, has no idea what she might be thinking.
Some dark thing inside him whispers that she wishes she had finished the job. He cannot bring himself to believe that though. Their relationship -if anyone can call it that- was bad at best but she has never been cruel to him. He hopes, that even in his worst moments, he has never been cruel to her either.
He thinks of Quaritch, drowning in the bottom of the ship. He tears up. No, he didn’t do that to hurt her. He hopes she doesn’t think that. He’d never do that. He’s been frustrated and angry at her many times but he has never hated her. He would never save him just to spite her. He just wanted-
He wanted something that no one else had ever given him. No one except him. And he had it for so little, the safe, solid feeling of belonging. Even if it was twisted and wrong and painful it was his. His father. And there were so many things that felt unapologetically Spider’s. He just didn’t want to lose it yet. Not yet.
“My mate told me he spoke to you about it, but he very obviously did a poor job. So I have come” she told him, waking him from his stupor and making him jump slightly. She was holding his gaze, with eyes that held such strength as he knew he’d never even hope to attain. She looked ethereal and beautiful and Spider felt so small and disgusting and weak next to her, like he was unworthy of holding that gaze.
“A-about…” he weakly mumbled, confused as to what she could be referring to. He was still reeling from the surprise of her actually sitting down next to him, let alone talking to him.
“About tsaheylu” she specified and Spider blinked, confused.
“Oh, I-” she raised her hand to stop him.
“I already know what you’ve been telling everyone. That it feels unnatural to your human body and you need time to adjust. I do not believe it. You have been doing things that are beyond the limits of your sky person body ever since you could walk to the village by yourself. Limitations do not stop you, they drive you. Something not coming to you naturally has you trying even harder until it does. But you have not been trying. At all. I have seen you. You run.”
Spider feels the hair in all his body rise. He looks at her with wide eyes and a slack jaw. It is as if she took a knife and skinned him, removed all the layers he had placed around himself to feel safe and forced him out, naked and broken for all to see. He didn’t dare talk, didn’t dare try and deny it, to defend himself, because she was right.
“You lie” she said, almost hissing the word. “Like them. The Great Mother has blessed you. I do not understand why” she said, sounding almost bitter. “But she has. And as Tsakarem is is my duty to carry out Eywa’s will. You must not throw away her gift. You are not a child. You are nearing adulthood in human years. You must try and connect. You must not let yourself fall back. That is not what the Great Mother has demanded of you. Do you not see? You have been given a second chance and you are throwing it away”
Spider eyes fill with tears and he has to tore his gaze away. He dips his head in shame. He doesn’t like this. He doesn’t like how clearly she can see him. Not her. Everyone but her. Growing up, he swore he’d never prove her right, but he had. In every way possible and she could see.
“I’m sorry”
He heard her sigh.
“Why lie?” she asks him, sounding more tired than disappointed, or angry. Like he’s tiring her out and he hates that. He doesn’t want to be a burden. He promised he wouldn’t.
“You never used to before. We were all very much aware of your thoughts and opinions at any given moment”. She sounds annoyed, just like he thought she would. But there’s something else there too. A longing.
“You only started after you returned from them. I would not mind before. It is in your nature. But you must be better than them now. I don’t understand. You’ve lived with humans before, but you did not lie. I suppose they are much, much worse. Yes, you must have seen a lot of bad examples. But you must not copy them. You must not let them corrupt you. You should know better than that”
Spider doesn’t know what to say. He feels dizzy. Adrenaline is rushing through him but his body is so incredibly still and it makes him feel like he’s falling. This is the first time she’s talk to him for so long. It’s the first time he acknowledges him as a child. And it’s the first time, he realizes, that she blames other adults for his behavior and not something inherently evil inside him, waiting for the right time to come to life. It’s too much. He’s breathing too fast but not enough air reaches his lungs.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t- didn’t mean-”
I didn’t mean to be like them; be like him.
Her gaze hardened. “I need no apologies. Apologies are useless. I want the truth. I want to know why you are running from the Great Mother’s gifts and I want you to fix it”
“I-I’ll fix it-”
“No. You will not escape me by promises. You will tell me the truth. You cannot fix it yourself, or you would have done so already. I am Tsakarem, and I will make sure to carry out the Great Mother’s will. So you will tell me the truth and we will fix it. Together” she says and she looks and sounds angry, frustrated but the words she’s saying…Spider never thought he’d hear them come from her.
Fix it. She can’t fix him. Doesn’t she know that? She’s spent his whole life reminding him that nothing will ever cut the evil out of his flesh.
Maybe that’s the point.
She knew. She always knew how truly twisted and pathetic he was. He can’t disappoint her, because she already knows. He’s a coward and a liar and she knows and she’s here. Still. Trying to fix him. And yeah, she does it because of Eywa, because she doesn’t want for all that happened that night to be in vain. She does it because she still needs to believe in something higher, that the Great Mother knows what she’s doing. She’s here for every reason other than Spider needing her, but what does it matter in the end? The result is still the same. Spider isn’t afraid of losing her. He never had her to begin with.
“You are right. I have lied. I have lied because I did not want to upset Kiri or Lo’ak or anyone with the truth. Something happened while I was taken by the sky people. Something bad. And it has affected my ability to connect”
He looks at her and she is furrowing her forehead, but she seems to be listening to him. She doesn’t interrupt him, or burry him under endless questions. She doesn’t ask if he’s okay, if there is something she can do. She doesn’t bury him under layers of love that he does not deserve and he’s so grateful.
“They put me in a machine. It is something like a…a forced Tsaheylu” Her ears shoot up at that, her eyes widening in horror. “It hurt. It felt like a thousand needles digging into my brain. It felt like they were tearing it in pieces. They were looking for you, for the base. I had to throw everything else at them. Force myself to think of random things. But it was as if my own brain was not mine anymore. It was fighting against me trying to drag up the picture. The more I resisted the more it hurt. I couldn’t see. Everything moved so fast. There was so much light. I swore I could feel my eyes melting. There was a moment that I-”
He shut his mouth and his teeth clacked against each other. He took in a deep breath, forcing the tremble off his lips and his voice.
“I thought I’d die. And I was glad. Because they still hadn’t gotten anything. And if I died before they could…They never would. It would die with me. You’d all be safe”
Two single tears slipped from his eyes and he wiped them furiously.
“Why would they…you’re human” she whispered, sounding horrified. Spider had never heard her speak so quietly.
“I don’t think it matters. They hurt each other all the time too. Usually for no good reason. And they had plenty good reasons to hurt me”
“But a child?! Surely-”
Spider shook his head and she stopped. She wrapped her arms around her knees, tail wrapping around her feet. They sat like this for a bit. Spider felt a relief. Like he finally allowed a huge weight to drop off of him, and he could finally breathe.
“Where was he? Did he allow this to happen to you?” By the bitter hatred in her voice, it wasn't hard for Spider to understand who she was referring to.
“He stopped the machine. Before it could kill me. He, um, he did not let them do that to me again”.
Her shoulders shagged in relief, which surprised Spider and seemed to surprise her too. She looked uncertain, confused.
“Did he…hurt you too?”
Spider dropped his eyes. “I guess not. I mean, no physically. And he didn’t let anyone else hurt me either. He even took care of me, sometimes, in a way. But he hurt…others. Even though he knew how much I love this planet, how much I hated seeing people get hurt. And I-I hate him” he swallowed the unbearable hotness in his mouth. He sounds like a lie, as he says it. Even as his own chest burns with anger and something else. Something deeper. Something hurt. “But I-I miss him and I just don’t know why”.
His fingers tug against the roots of his hair as he rests his chin on top of his knees. “I mean, he still went back to them, didn’t he? They hurt me. And he still-”
A sob catches him off guard as it tickles its way up his throat. He can’t believe he’s admitted that to her. She probably knows he is the one that saved Quaritch from the ship. And if she didn’t she probably suspected him anyways. But admitting that he missed Quaritch for some reason felt like a sin a thousand times worse. He could fool himself that he saved him because of what happened on the ship. He could tell himself that he just couldn’t watch him drown. But missing him? How was he supposed to justify that?
“They hurt you. Your own people hurt you” she said, her hand rubbing softly against her shoulder, still swollen after the fight with the Mangwan. Spider nodded, even though she was not looking at him anymore, but the ocean. “And he protected you. He is horrible, and he must die. And when I see him again, I will kill him. But he protected you, so you feel that you must protect him too”
Spider wanted to deny it. He wished he could go back in time and be the boy he was before he met Quaritch. When he was nothing but a ghost in his mind and he could tell, with all the confidence in the world that he’d want him dead too.
“I won’t try to stop you. If I’m there when you do. I-I promise, I won’t. I can’t kill him, but I won’t save him again either. He went back to them and I’m-I’m done with him”
Neytiri’s jaw settled. She gave him a curt nod, before closing her eyes and sighing.
“You know, I always though you belonged with them. The Great Mother saw beyond what I never could. I did not understand why she saved you. Why she would bless you in such a way. But I think I am starting to understand. I was wrong about you”
Spider chuckles, besides himself. This is all he’s ever wanted to hear from her, but never like this. Never in this way. He doesn’t deserve it. Not anymore. He might have, before all this happened. But not now. Not as the person he has become.
“No. No you weren’t. You weren’t wrong. I saved him. I let myself love him. I let myself believe he could change. He is the reason so many people got hurt. He is the reason you got hurt. That should have been enough to hate him. There should not be anything he could do to make me not hate him. But he did and I- for a while I just really thought that I could make him see”
“I was wrong” Neytiri stressed, ignoring his protest. “Because you are not like them. And you are not like him. You do not lie. And when you did, it was from care, misguided as it was. You were alone, with these horrid people. And they hurt you. And he didn’t. So you grew to care for him. And if he had any sense in him, he would have let you change him. He does not deserve to see. He does not deserve this second life he has been given. But the Great Mother only cares about balance. And if he chose to see, She would have welcomed him. It is not your fault he’s shut his eyes closed. It is not your fault he hurts people. He only cares about what he wants, how he can get it. That is the difference between you and him”
Spider is frozen. He cannot even see her through the tears that flow freely from his eyes now. He’s really glad he’s done with masks because he can almost picture the fog that would have collected on the glass.
“Thank you” he whispers and gulps back the cries that threaten to slip through and make him crumble completely. He smiles a bit to himself. If it was anyone else telling him that, he wouldn’t believe that. But coming from her, even after everything…
It is like putting a healing paste in a festering wound. It doesn’t make the pain go away, but it makes it lighter. Easier to carry.
“I want to connect” he says. “I want to follow the Great Mother’s path for me. But when I do, it is like being on that machine again. My body cannot tell the difference between what is hers, and what is theirs. I do not know why it happens. I cannot control it. But I lose myself in the past and it feels like I will never escape them”
Her ears lower and she tilts her head a bit. “That happens to me too. Sometimes”
He almost gasps, but hold himself back. Instead he unravels from the tight ball his curled himself into.
“It does?”
She nods.
“The smell of ashes, loud sounds. Sometimes nothing at all. Sometimes while I sleep. But it is like I blink, and I am back there. The day the Home Tree fell. I still remember the smell. The heat of fire against my skin. The burn under my feet. It feels like I can’t breath. And all I can hear are screams and this horrible, cracking sound of wood breaking, of everything I’ve ever known crushing down”
He is suddenly overwhelmed by the need to hug her, like he would Tuk or Lo’ak. She somehow sounds so small. Maybe it’s because of the way her body shags and her eyes shine over as she remembers. And he imagines her at that age, just a few years older than him and it makes him shudder. He doesn’t hug her though, because he knows it would make her uncomfortable rather than comfort her.
“I’m so sorry, for what they did to you. For what he did. I’m sorry that I remind you of him so much. I know you hate that”
She shakes her head. “You do, remind me of him. Of them. I know it is not your fault. It is not something I can grow out of. But now I see that you are not him. That you could never become him. And I should have seen it before, but I see it now. I cannot promise you that it will be easy. But I will try harder, to accept you. Besides-” she wipes her tears and her lips spread in a weak, tried smile. “-you have brought my children such joy through such a heavy darkness. The least I can do in return is not contribute to that darkness for you”
His smile mirrors hers. It isn’t an apology but Spider never wanted or needed one from her. He never even wanted her acceptance. Just for her to let him be. And while the acceptance she was offering him now was one that was yet far away and hard to earn, it was more than he had ever let himself hope for. There was just one more thing he wanted to ask.
“How do you get over it? Losing yourself in the past when you are reminded of it?”
“You don’t” she replies, and sound almost sorrowful that she cannot give him a different answer. “You can only try to live with it. You try to learn how to get past it, for the people you love. You have faith that all this pain is not for nothing. And you have people who ground you, to now, to who you are beyond what you have been through”
He immediately knows that for her ‘people’ is Jake. Just as he knows that for him, it’s Kiri. But he doesn’t tell her that just yet. It’s not a lie, he thinks, if she never asked him.
He has to tell them. That’s the biggest lesson he thinks that he got out of his and Neytiri’s talk. Even though he knows it will upset them. And even though he hates the idea of being this vulnerable in front of them. After all, he’s the one that’s supposed to laugh off the bruises and the scratches and kiss theirs better. Not the other way around.
It’s hard from start to finish. They don’t interrupt him, even though there’s many times he sees they are about to. But Neytiri, who sat further away from him than everyone else, but behind him nonetheless, stopped them. He didn’t see what she did exactly. But every time someone opened their mouth their eyes darted to her, before they went back down. It meant more to him than he’d ever be able to express.
Tuk cried, like he thought she would. She almost tackled him to the ground when he was done and Kiri and Lo’ak followed suit. From over their shoulders he could see Jake, who looked nothing less than wrecked as he caught his eyes. He looked regretful and guilty and Spider didn’t want that, because it wasn’t his fault. But the man got up before he could say any useless words of comfort and wrapped his big arms around all of them.
“Jesus, kid. Jesus, I never thought they’d- you’re just-”
‘A kid’ dies in his tongue before it can materialize. Jake, more than everyone knows how the RDA doesn’t really care about the kid argument. He though being human would protect him, but kids die every day on earth too. So he doesn’t bring that up either. He just leans his head over Spider’s. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I never should have left you with them”
“It’s over now. That’s all that matters” even though he knows it’s not over and Jake does too. But he nods and there’s a small promise there, of doing better next time.
Neytiri doesn’t join the hug. But later that night after all the tears have been spilled and dried for what feels like the thousandth time, and they all tiredly yawn and blink as the night grows, he feels her hand momentarily brush over his shoulder. It’s quick and fleeting and over by the second it takes for him to raise his head towards her.
And it’s enough for him.
Kiri holds the ilu steady about a week after that. Spider spends just a moment looking at her as his stomach dips with apprehension. She’s here, he reminds himself. She won’t leave. She’ll be here the whole time.
He lowers his braid and watches as the tendrils connect. He feels his irises blow wide and the overwhelming light explodes inside his brain. Kiri holds his hand and his knee and he focuses on that. It grounds him and he clenches his teeth and fights through the memories as his and the ilu’s brain sync.
It’s…it’s so pure and innocent. It’s full of curiosity and boundless love for the world around them, for him. He smiles so big his cheeks hurt and he lowers the googles. The ilu catches his excitement and waddles its fins.
Kiri lets go and Spider think about moving before his ilu rushes forward diving into the water. It’s incredible, it’s exhilarating. This creature with so much strength and agility and beauty is trusting him, willing to take him anywhere he wants to go. But it’s much more taxing than holding onto Kiri and Lo’ak as they ride. He loses his grip quickly under the pressure and he falls back. The ilu keeps going for a bit, before stopping and turning around, cooing, confused.
Spider comes up for breath and it rushes towards him, bumping its head on his back to get him to get on it again.
He hears cheers and claps and he sees the Sully kids and the reef kids waving at him. He swims towards them, laughing.
“I can’t believe even the sky person held on for longer than you” Aonung tells Lo’ak who rolls his eyes.
“I already knew he would. He's our big bro after all”
The more he practices, the easier it becomes. He still can’t hold on completely, but he’s able to go up and down a few times and Tsireya says it’s more than enough progress for one day. The connection is still struggle, and he has to really practice his breathing so his heart won’t go hay wire again. He also tries to keep his memories safely tucked away, feeling m the ilu probing worriedly at the pain it detects in its rider’s brain.
He manages to ride his ilu along with Kiri and Lo’ak, slowly and above water all the way to their marui. Jake is sitting on the canoe and he smiles as he watches them come.
“Dad! Look!” Lo’ak waves, and then he places his hand on Spider, so as to draw Jake’s attention to him. Spider blushes and looks everywhere else but the man.
Jake chuckles at Lo’ak’s enthusiasm. His voice is a bit heavier now, but he still sounds like the little boy he used to be sometimes. If it makes him feel bittersweet, he can only imagine how Jake feels.
“I can see. How does it feel kid?”
Spider takes a moment to look back at his friends as they start to climb off. He takes in the low, joyful buzz in his chest.
“It’s so much more than I ever imagined”
Jake gives him a knowing look. “Yeah, tell me about it”
Spider is about to climb off before he detects movement from his side. He sees Neytiri’s back as she walks back into the marui. He hadn’t even realized she’d been standing there. Spider hopes that, even if just for a moment, she felt a little bit proud.
“Do you know how to weave an ilu saddle?”
Spider jumps slightly from where he’s sitting by the fire. Neytiri is standing at the entrance, holding a basket in her hands. He blinks in surprise, this being the second time she’s started a conversation between them and Spider wonders if this will become a regular occurrence now. And if yes, if he will ever get used to it. He decides he is willing to try. Even if he still doesn’t quite trust it will last.
“Yes. It was part of my training. I had to learn how to make one before I could ride. Though I think it’s mostly because they didn’t have any that were my size”
Neytiri nods, setting down the basket and sitting down across him. She opens it and pulls out a half finished, badly woven saddle.
“Ronal tried to teach me, but she said I’m hopeless and all I do is create stress for her, which is bad for the baby. She said she’ll stop teaching me until after she has given birth. And even then, she said that she isn’t sure she can handle two children at the same time”
The way she says the last part, and the way she rolls her eyes are an exact mirror of Lo’ak and Spider snorts a laugh before he can stop himself. He freezes, afraid she’ll think he’s laughing at her. But she smiles slightly and takes the saddle over her knees.
“I want to think that our conversation helped you with your lessons”
“It did. Thank you” he says honestly.
“So now I would like you to help me too. Will you teach me how to make one of these?”
“You-” in the surprise, he almost lost his words. “-you want me to teach you how to weave a saddle, instead of Ronal?”
She squinted her eyes. “Do not think for a moment that I consider your weaving skills superior to hers.” But then her face softened, taking almost a mischievous tint, and this time Spider could swear it was actually Tuk looking back at him and not Neytiri. “I just think it will be funny to rub in her face that a sky person could teach me better than her”
This time Spider laughed, loudly and clearly. He could see her try to remain serious, and failing miserably.
“Okay. Let’s get her” he said, feeling his face take on that determined expression it always did when he was about to get himself into trouble on purpose. He knew it was a face Quaritch did too. He’d seen it on him a thousand times before jumping into a new dangerous, exhilarating experience. But she said she’d try to accept him, and that had to mean all of him. Besides, he was done trying to fight himself on every turn. If he ever wanted to move forward, he had to live with who he was.
And if she saw, if he reminded her if him, she didn't move away from him when he moved closer to take in the saddle. And for him, that was enough.