Chapter Text
Regret was a funny feeling. Rin didn’t regret attending Sinegrad. She didn’t regret burning Mugen to the ground. But then there were those two decisions, those two that ruined her life. She regretted them deeply.
Runin’s periods weren’t that bad, they still brought a shock to her though. It struck as quite odd that Auntie Fang expected her to be married off and start pumping out children without knowing how her own body worked.
She had stupidly informed Niang of the plan to take Endo’s medicine which apparently would destroy her uterus, leaving her with no periods, nothing to stop her.
“Why would you do such a thing? Don’t you understand that it controls all your hormones, you would become manly, it could destroy the rest of your body.” Niang spoke, her voice dropping to a whisper as she did.
Rin was quite confident in her plan, but even Niang's words made her bite her cheek as she thought. The only three other women at Sinegrad; Niang, Venka, and Kureel had all refused Endo’s medicine, citing the same reason. Rin hated that it all made her rethink.
It wasn’t just the peer pressure to not partake in the plan, but it was also that creeping fear of the possibility of her possible husband’s family killing her. If nothing went well, and she was kicked out of Sinegrad, sent back to Rooster to be nothing but a wife and a mother, what would happen if she failed to be a mother?
It wasn’t uncommon for women down south to be killed by their husbands' families for failing to produce heirs. It wasn’t like Rin planned to live had she had to bear that fate that Auntie Fang originally planned for her, but she much rather take her own life before it is taken from her because she doesn’t want to place some child in her womb.
That was the first regret.
-
It was an easy decision at the time to not choose Kitay as her anchor. Rin knew death was always an ever presence in her life, the idea that she could cause Kitay pain, his pain by her own pain, his death by her own death. It made some part of her she didn’t think still existed clutch. It also made her quite surprised how willing Nezha was to become her anchor. Though it didn’t beat the surprise about learning of the Dragon on his back.
Rin had one condition though, he must use the Dragon to win the battle. She would not sit here, anchored to a man who thought of her kind as freaks and trash. He agreed, though she could tell that he had some reservations, he overcame those quite quickly after what she assumed was her desperation painted all over her face. Planting a soft kiss to her temple before they interlinked their souls forever.
Still she chose him, she let Yin Nezha see her soul. Become her tether to this world. For once she was fouled that maybe, maybe everything that had gone wrong could be made right. That maybe this boy who had once been her greatest enemy at Sinegrad would turn into her greatest asset.
That was the second and biggest regret.
At first the Hesperian’s had said they wouldn’t bolt her down. That if she behaved she would have “freedoms,” she thinks they should take their “freedoms,” and shove it up those white asses. Those ideas are the ones that landed her naked on a cool metal table, metal clamps around her ankles, and around her biceps, at least those would eventually be taken off, those gold bands around her wrist, they never would. Rin was still getting used to the weight even after almost three months. She couldn’t tell what was heavier though, the gold bands around her wrist, or the silver one around her finger.
But Nezha, the oh so perfect and beautiful Yin Nezha laid there like a perfect obedient dog, even as they peeled small bits of his own skin away from him, trying to preserve the mark of the Dragon. Rin would have lied, told it was a tattoo, Nezha didn’t though, he told them all what it meant. That since they already knew they were both shamans, what was the point in lying? Dignity. Preservation. Though it seemed only she cared about those two things.
They both seemed to come to one agreement though they can’t know of the bond. Maybe it was some last act of Nezha to remain on whatever good side Rin had left, maybe he was at least smart enough to not let them in on this one secret of shamanism. Still it was hard to keep that secret, very hard as they slowly peeled his own skin from his back. The pain was excruciating, and she was still impressed with herself managing to keep somewhat of a straight face. Vaisra had originally given them limits, not for Rin, if it was just her, he would have let them chop her into thousands of tiny pieces, but his only heir left, he had rules.
The Hesperians barely cared about those rules though, at least they stopped caring when they learned that the Dragon would pretty much heal Nezha from anything, wanting to keep his perfect beautiful boy intact. Rin had no similar markings from the Phoenix, and they searched intently for one. The only thing was those fire red eyes of hers, which even they held themselves back from plucking out.
“I think that’s enough for today. You can stop Dante.” Sister Petra’s voice broke over the way too quiet room, and Rin finally felt like she could breathe slightly again. Dante was another Augus, a young boy of the Gray Company. They had been importing a lot of them since Vaisra opened the door.
Rin could tell Petra was getting bored with both her and Nezha. She wasn’t getting the answers she wanted, and Rin desperately wanted to yell that she wouldn’t. That no amount of blood drawing or skinning would bring her any closer to understanding the Pantheon or the Gods. It didn’t bring Shiro any results when he would cut open those multiple little Speerly children. It didn’t bring him any results when he would pump Altan and her full of opium. Which Vaisra had forbidden the Hesperians from doing to her, claiming that his daughter in law could not look like a pathetic southern opium addict, though she was one. It’s not like they even need opium though, the gold bands stopped the Phoenix enough themselves.
“Now my wife.” Nezha’s voice was stronger than she liked it to be, and she hated how easily the words ‘my wife,’ fell from his lips. It worked though, the little Gray Company boy freed her ankles and biceps from the metal restraints, she still felt trapped though. She would feel that feeling of being trapped until this gold was off her wrist, until the Phoenix was not just an endless mocking voice in her head, but something she could once again call into her hands.
“Has the marriage been consummated yet?” Sister Petra asked, her voice plain, as she looked over to the both of them with a small condescending smile, laying a syringe on the table.
“No.” Nezha replied simply, he didn’t show much emotion while he answered, only a small look sent Rin’s way, as he slipped a robe over his naked body, trying to hide his winces as he does, while Rin tried to hide her matching ones, slipping a similar dark blue robe over her naked body.
“So I assume the topic of children has not been brought up?” Petra spoke, in that calm still slightly condescending tone continuing to make that nauseating eye contact, despite already knowing the answer. Rin knew why she was asking. Petra wanted something to truly experiment on, something no one would care about.
Rin’s marriage to Nezha was already nothing but a political arrangement (for most), one that you could argue was failing. Vaisra wanted it to quell the southern populations, show them that if one of them could be happy under the Dragon Republic, then so could they. Rin figured it didn’t work, and all it did was make them angry and brand her a traitor. Then there was Nezha, who claimed that this marriage was to keep her safe, that he could protect her through this. Protect her from his father and Hesperians. Any time he spoke of protection, she was reminded that he was the one who gave her this scar on her back, no one else. She was glad it hurt, because then it hurt him.
If they were to bore a child into this marriage, it wouldn’t be cared for much. Which is why Petra wanted them to have one. No one would have reservations cutting up a little baby born to two people deemed disgusting.
“I do hope you think of children, the Divine Maker talks about them being a blessing.” Petra tacks on, her voice still laced with that fake sweetness, and fake small smile as her eyes went up and down the both of them, and suddenly Rin’s mind was filled with the nightmarish idea of her own body expanding, growing something that is meant for a life of nothing more than Hesperian experimentation.
“Rin.” Nezha’s voice had softened, as he walked after her, trying to catch up as she walked briskly, even as the pain she shared with him screamed out. She wanted to get away from here, from him.
“Listen to me.” His voice was firmer, as he grabbed her shoulders, forcibly turning her to face him, but his expression once again softened, and grip loosed, not enough to let her go, but his fingers wouldn’t leave prints in her skin.
“I hope you know I wouldn’t do that.” He spoke, a sigh following his words, as he leaned his head down slightly, quite close to her own, she could feel his breath against her face. The closeness made her both want to shirk away and place herself to touch him.
Rin knew what he was referring to, that he wouldn’t force himself upon her. He had three months to do so, and the bed they shared in marriage was colder than anything she had ever felt. They slept on completely different sides, as far as possible from each other, trying not to let skin touch skin. One of the first nights she was forced to share that marriage bed, which couldn’t really be considered so since they had yet, and hopefully never would consummate this union. On one of those few first nights, she scooted so far away from him that she ended up on the floor. Instead of salvaging her dignity she slept practically face down on the floor.
Shaking Nezha’s hands off her shoulders, continuing her brisk walk away, wrapping the robe tighter around herself.
“We can’t just keep up like this for the rest of our lives Runin!” He shouted though he didn’t follow her this time, clearly sounding more frustrated “Are we just going to spend the rest of our lives apart than go back to the bed that is colder than the Hinterlands because you’re too stubborn to try and accept anything!”
That got her to turn back around, a glare forming upon her features. This marriage was forced upon her, these gold bands were forced upon her, this whole life she was living now as a chained down wife was forced upon her. Why should she have to accept anything? Why shouldn’t she resist till the day she died? A least a little?
-
“Let me marry her.” Nezha’s pleading voice broke Rin out of her own futile attempts of resistance as she pulled against the chains around her wrist and ankle, the cold hard rock scraping against her skin, that was the least of her worries now.
“Now why?” Vaisra asked, a small raise in his brow, though to Rin’s surprise he didn’t look disgusted or any such, just slightly shocked.
“The southerners, maybe they’ll be more willing to accept us if they see one of their own married us.” Nezha spoke, the pleading still lacing his tone, as he stammered slightly over his own words.
“They’ll have to accept us either way, once we get rid of the Mugenese.” Vaisra replied, in that same effortlessly calm tone that at once had left Rin with heat pooling in her stomach but now it left her with nothing but shivers down her spine. At least his plan made sense now. Let the Mugenese ravage the south while he wages his civil war, and once he’s done with that, then go back and “save,” the south, and they would have no other option but to accept it. He really didn’t need her anymore.
“Please, Father.” His voice was more desperate than she had ever heard it before, his arms spread out as he gestured to him, still practically pleading for her life. Vaisra clearly didn’t look that moved or convinced, but his brow furrowed deeper in consideration.
“I bonded myself to her.” Nezha’s voice broke out over the cold gray stone of the dungeon in Arlong again, but this time it was stronger than the previous few minutes.
“You did what?” Now his father did actually show some emotion, and he looked more annoyed, possibly even angry with his son.
“The Hinterlanders. It was to help her call the fire, and now she can’t do it without me. I am her access to the Phoenix, if you let me stay near her, I can control her better than the Hesperians ever could.” The pleading tone once again returned to his tone, Nezha’s brow also furrowed like Vaisra's and their likeness came even more uncanny.
Vaisra kicked Nezha’s knee. Hard. Leading him to crumple onto one leg, while Rin flinched herself, visible enough for him.
“Interesting. I’ve never thought those northerners would be that kind to Nikans, to grant such access to a secret." Vaisra remarked, calmly stroking his chin while Nezha stood again, and Rin could still feel a slight throb in her own knee. She hoped at maybe some level though this would change things, maybe, Vaisra would give the Hesperians rules with her, because her pain was now Nezhas. Nezha’s pain was now hers.
“If I do let you two marry, I want an actual marriage.” He spoke calmly, his eyes wandering to Rin slightly, surveying her pathetic form up and down.
“No affairs, no separate rooms, no outward hatred of one another.” Vaisra continued in that perfect even and calm tone, as he approached Rin’s cell, looking down at her, with an expression she would once take for pride that was now full condensation. “This will be a union.”
“I hate you.” Rin sneered out.
“We’re already off to a perfect start as in laws.” He retorted with a small smirk, looking back over to his son, who Rin also hated at this moment.
She hurried to the house that had been made Kitay’s. That was the tradition. Every time after those white devils poked and prodded at her, she would head to the only person who she knew cared for her with no agenda.
She supposed if there was anything to be thankful to Nezha for, it was sparring Kitay’s life. When she was sitting in that cold stone dungeon, the only thing she thought of was Kitay, hoping they had spared him. They hadn’t at least not at first. They walked him into the dungeon, and she had never seen him in such pain.
Blood was pooling out his nose, the area around his eye was already swelling as two of Vaisra's guards held him out, right in front of her, but far enough from her grasp that if she could successfully stick her hands out the bars of the cell she wouldn’t be able to feel him.
Rin knew they planned to kill him. That was until Nezha talked his father out of it. Citing that they would lose anything they had with her if they were to kill Kitay, and he was correct and wrong all at once. If they did take Kitay from her she would go further off the edge than she already had, but he was wrong to believe the Yin family still had any good graces with her. Those ended where their good graces with the Hesperians began.
That didn’t mean he was safe though, Rin knew that if she were to do anything deemed too rebellious, resist them too much, his head would head unattached from his body. She couldn’t risk that. Not for Venka either, who to Rin’s surprise the situation had brought them closer. At least their shared hatred for Yin Vaisra had brought them closer.
There were three people Rin had failed to protect though. Or more accurately she had failed to cull the Cike. Mainly because she had no idea where Baji, Suni, or Ramsa were. She liked to think that they had escaped, ran far away from here, and from her, their failed commander. The Hesperians didn’t know Suni and Baji were shamans, it was possible. Or they could be lying dead in some unidentified grave. Rin had as much political knowledge of the state of her country as a toddler. Not because of a lack of trying. Nezha and Vaisra worked quite well together to hide its secrets.
“Rin.” Kitay’s body immediately connected with hers as Rin buried her head in his shoulder and she could feel him kiss her forehead. His arms were her only safe place in this whole country, even in sleep her dreams taunted her. She pulled back from the hug though with a cracked and humorless laugh.
“You know what they want from me now?” She laughed, out, running her fingers through her which had grown longer and softer in these past three months. “They want a child. For Nezha to breed me like some horse so they can have something to cut up and figure out.”
Kitay didn’t respond, instead sitting down on the cushioned bench in the main room of this large house that had been turned into his. They kept him close to the palace in Arlong, wanting to keep an eye on both him and Rin. Just in case they were planning anything, though it’s not like they could. Rin was kept from calling the fire, and if she were to come into any vicinity of a weapon, she was intently watched, and Kitay had any title as a strategist stripped from him. Both of them were reduced to unmoving pieces on Vaisra's game board.
“I assume you won’t though.” He spoke calmly, getting up and coming to sit beside her as Rin found herself on the floor, back screaming out in pain even with no actual wounds on it, as she leaned against the wall. The Dragon had started taking a longer time to heal Nezha, a small act of rebellion for now having to share a mind with the Phoenix.
“Of course not.” Rin replied bluntly, pulling her knees to her chest, wrapping her arms around them. Rin didn’t necessarily hate children, but also the idea of carrying Nezha’s and birthing it for nothing but a life of experimentation wasn’t exactly a pleasant one, if anything it made her want to vomit whatever food she had in her stomach.
“Maybe you should consider it.” Kitay spoke softly, and Rin’s head whipped around to look at him, mouth slightly agape a raise in her brow.
“I’m not saying you should do something that truly makes you disgusted, and we both know Nezha would never force himself upon you, but maybe, if you give the Hesperians this, they might lay off you at least for a little bit. Especially because this child would be a spectacle, a miracle. There hasn’t been a new Speerly born in over 20 years, I can only imagine they would be itching to get their hands on one.” He explained, his voice never losing that soft but steady tone he almost always took with her.
“That child would be doomed.” Was all Rin could retort out, the thought of it all still haunting.
“That I would never deny.” Kitay responded with a humorless huff, their hands finding a way to each others, before interlocking.
It had been a couple days since Rin’s conversation with Kitay, and it was still keeping her up. Usually she slept better when Nezha was out, but right now she continues to toss and turn. When she had first found herself in this bed, which would have taken up her whole room back in Rooster, she thought she was drowning with how plush and soft it was. She practically sank in it. The blankets too were of a level of luxury she couldn’t first comprehend, made of such fine cotton that it felt like being wrapped in a cloud, the pillow under her head was made of pure goose feathers, that she couldn’t even feel the bed under her. I mean even the dark green nightgown she wore at the moment was worth more than anything she ever had back in Tikay.
It also usually helped a little that she had this massive bed to herself right now. While most of Nikan was being put under control of the “Dragon Republic," up a little ways north there were still loyalist outposts to the Empress, but with Hesperian aid, Vaisra was quickly said to be putting an end to them. Though she had heard that his army was shooting themselves in the feet, literally, not being able to figure out how these new Hesperian weapons worked. She also heard that Nezha was having a hard time getting the Hesperian soldiers to listen to him, which whenever she thought of that she barked out a laugh.
Her husband still hadn’t returned from this emergency meeting, which gave her time to continue mulling this over, which was what no doubt Nezha was doing. He always seemed like the type to like children. She remembered that moment in Khurdalain, where he was so gentle with that little girl, who ended up being a demon, which was unimportant in the context of what she was thinking at the moment.
Rin knew she wasn’t going to fall asleep, so she decided to get out of bed, tossing and turning would bring her nothing. The candle in her hand wasn’t actually heavy, but the fact that she had lit the flame with a match and not with her finger, like she used to be able to, made her feel as though she was carrying around an iron ball.
The palace of Arlong was still beautiful, one of the most beautiful things she had ever seen. The walls were covered in the signature Yin family dark blue, with walls decorated in tapestries or paintings, many men and members of the Yin family, displayed proudly. At the end was the painting that taunted her the most, the one that mocked her of her fate. Her marriage portrait to Nezha. Surprisingly, the Yin’s followed Nikan tradition and didn’t try to carve out their own here.
Nezha was still too beautiful to comprehend, dressed in dark red, and she could pick up on how luxurious the fabric that decorated his body from just the painting, his all too fine black hair was silked back while he wore the Gaun, which was fancier than anyone Rin had ever seen, even when observing the “fancy” weddings in the south.
Then there was herself. Dressed in the dark red and green fabrics, made of the same luxurious silks as his, yet she looked more out of place than him. They had decorated her face with the traditional jewels and makeup, but there were no traditional ornaments in her hair as there usually would be. Only two poppy flowers. Venka’s doing.
-
Venka’s fingers ran through her hair, while Rin tried to avoid looking at herself in the mirror. Originally it was all Lady Saikhara maids, even the woman herself, who is soon to be her mother in law, refused to look at her, clearly disgusted her son was marrying such a woman. Not just a southerner, not just a shaman, a Speerly woman marrying into such a family must have looked like such a disgrace. Venka shooed them all away, claiming that if they can’t do their jobs, she would do it for them.
“I can’t believe I’m saying this but I don’t think you look half bad.” Venka’s voice broke over the surprisingly un-awkward silence that had fallen over them, as she reached over for something. A cracked laugh broke out over Rin’s lips.
“I don’t think either of us ever saw you saying that.” Rin responded, finally looking at herself in the mirror, and she didn’t see who she was now, she saw her 14 year old self. The girl who kept herself awake by pouring burning wax or her arms to avoid the life of a bride, it seems like fate was inescapable.
Venka came back to her, before placing her fingers in her hair again, and that’s when two spots of red popped up in the mirror, two poppy flowers stuck out of Rin’s hair, placed perfectly and delicately.
“Please find some way to sneak a middle finger to Vaisra during the ceremony.” Venka spoke, meeting Rin’s eyes in the mirror, and against all of it, a small smile found its way to her lips.
“Done.”
-
“Rin.” She whipped around, reaching for a knife at her waist that wasn’t there, though the person that whispered her name wasn’t a threat at the moment, because there Nezha stood. He looked slightly disheveled, his long silk black hair that was usually kept perfect had been thrown into an unkempt bun, he wore no armor, but bore his father’s wedding gift on his side. A beautiful sword, one that was undoubtedly passed from generation to generation, a Dragon head carved into the handle.
“You weren’t supposed to be ho-here for a couple more hours.” She spoke plainly, as he took steps closer to her, far away enough that they didn’t touch, but close enough that she could easily touch her knuckles to his cheeks. She tripped over her words as she tried to avoid saying the word home, this place was more of a prison.
“We came to a conclusion of what to do earlier than planned.” He responded just as flatly, reaching his hand out to brush some hair out his eyes, which she didn’t resist too. While not knowing her as well as Kitay, Yin Nezha was slowly figuring her out, which made her more scared than it should.
“I know what you’re thinking about Rin, I’ve been thinking about it too, and I don’t wish to force anything upon you, at least not past what has.” He spoke, and to her surprise it seemed like a bit of what sounded like regret laced his words as his own eyes examined the portrait in front of them, as she backed away from them both, toward the balcony door which had been locked. Couldn’t risk her jumping off it, they still didn’t know how far the Dragon was willing to go to heal her.
“You don’t understand.” Rin whispered in response, her words coming out weaker than she wanted, as she wrapped her arms around herself. While she could bet Nezha didn’t necessarily enjoy being poked and prodded, he didn’t understand what it was like to be strapped down to that table, Sister Petra’s face mixing Shiro’s, Nezha’s body turning into Altan’s, that nauseating fear lacing through her each time.
He opened his mouth to respond, but closed before any words could leave his mouth. Instead just gazing at her, his expression softening as he did. Maybe Kitay was right. Why shouldn’t she give the Hesperian’s this sacrificial lamb, if it got their invasive hands off of her? It’s not like anyone in the Yin family would practically care about a child, no one was already really happy with their union. Even Vairsa seemed to regret giving into his son pleading as the south branded her a traitor instead of someone to follow.
“Do you really think it’s a good idea? Rin-” Nezha stops himself as she responds to his words with a glare, he could shove his moral ideals up his ass. If wanted a real wife and child he could have found one, but he chose her, and now he must deal with that decision.
“I don’t give a shit about whether this is a good idea or not, I will get them off of me.” Rin retorted, grateful that her voice came out stronger than she was feeling, her arms still wrapped tightly around herself, turning away from Nezha and back to that terribly cold bed.
She could hear him let out a huff, and could see the eye roll very clearly even though she didn’t have to look back at him.
“I won’t let you name a boy Altan.” He spoke, and his voice was cool and calm that he could adapt in any situation, but his words were anything but. They were meant to inflame her, meant to make her whip around and glare, meant to hurt.
Which it did, his words were successful, she did whip back around with a sharp glare, digging her nails so tight into her arms that they were making crescent moon shapes. Yet he stood there, a small smirk forming upon his lips.
“I hate you.” Rin whispered.
“I don’t.” Was Nezha's response, still too cool and calm.