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Pomni stiffened as she opened the door, standing up straighter. Her hands curled into fists at her sides as she looked at Jax standing outside of her room, smiling as if it was no big deal. She knew he’d try this — slipping back into her life like nothing had happened. As though he hadn’t been the one to push her away. Pomni could tell his smile was stiff and fake. His posture was off too, slightly slouched — something that she probably wouldn’t have noticed if she weren’t used to craning her neck to meet his gaze.
If Pomni didn’t know any better, she would say he looked almost like a kicked puppy trying to come back home. Almost.
She met his gaze, eyebrows furrowed. “What do you want?” Her voice came out sharper than she intended, but she couldn’t help the anger that rose in her. She leaned on the door frame and crossed her arms. Jax’s pupils grew larger, and she felt her heart rate quickening at the sight.
Jax’s eyes widened dramatically. “Geez, Pom-Pom. Is that any way to greet a friend?”
Pomni scoffed, rolling her eyes. “Don’t call me that.”
“What? Come on, we’re still friends, aren't we?” His smile sharpened, and his hands balled into fists.
Pomni stared at him, deadpan. A breath caught in her throat, faltering for a moment before standing up straight. “Friends? After what you said to me?”
Pomni shook her head, shocked. He was the one who said they weren’t friends. He was the one who pushed her away. She felt her jaw clenching in anger.
Jax laughed uncomfortably and leaned back, hands in his pockets. “Well, now I’m hurt. Here I was, thinking we were inseparable.”
Pomni's eyes narrowed. “After what you did? Are you serious?” She snapped.
Jax’s grin faltered, he glanced down, his shoulders slumping even further. “God, you’re still not over that?” He grumbled, letting out a forced chuckle. “I told you I was just kidding, can’t you take a joke?”
Pomni’s stomach twisted, arms falling to her sides. “You weren’t joking. You were mad that I called you out, and then you didn’t like the fallout.”
Jax scoffed, rolling his eyes. “There are no consequences in digital hell. Did you forget? None of this is real – we aren't real.” He crossed his arms, shaking his head. “God, Pom, I thought you were past clinging to humanity.” His hands balled into fists, pulling at his fur. “We’re cartoons now. Nothing matters anymore.”
Pomni looked down at her hands – big puffy gloves, cartoonish. She swallowed hard, feeling her heart sink to the bottom of her stomach. She wasn’t sure how to feel about her skinny limbs, or the hat that seemed to be stuck to her head – the way the things in the circus were bright and bouncy. The way they were stuck here indefinitely, forced to participate in crazy adventures. She couldn’t shake the feeling, though, that underneath their cartoonish features and the music that played all throughout the circus, that they were still innately human.
“We’re still human.” She mumbled sheepishly. “And you know you were wrong,” She said, looking up at him to meet his gaze. “otherwise you wouldn’t have come here to apologize.” Jax shifted on his feet, looking away as he scoffed. “But you won’t, so what do you want, Jax?”
Jax’s expression flickered, just for a moment, before he stood up straighter and chuckled. “Still trying to read me, huh?” He said, shaking his head.
Pomni’s eyebrow twitched, standing her ground as she locked her eyes on his. “You’re not that hard to read.” She scoffed, her hands fidgeting at her side.
“You’re judging me so quickly, I’m offended.” He placed a hand on his chest, feigning offense. “I can apologize, see? I’m sorry.”
She rolled her eyes. “You don’t mean it.”
Jax’s smile didn’t waver, refusing to take his eyes off of her. A glint of uncertainty flickered in his gaze, making Pomni swallow the lump in her throat. “Of course I do.”
Pomni kept her gaze on his, watching his smile widen and his eye twitch, ever so slightly. His pupils were dilated, practiced and empty, as he stared at her blankly.
She swallowed, nervously fiddling with the balls on her shirt. She could see the way he reveled in the sight of her anxiously staring at him as he leaned in closer.
She couldn't look away, her eyes glued to him. Something about his eyes made her feel off-balance.
He stepped closer again and she forced herself to close her eyes. She looked away, starting to close the door but he pressed his hand against it. “Please, Pomni.” He said softly as she opened her eyes again. It was almost more terrifying hearing his voice in such a soft manner.
She opened her mouth to try to say something, but she swallowed it down. Her chest tightened, pausing. Every part of her was screaming at her to slam the door in his face, scream at him — she looked back at him and she immediately felt herself get pulled in again. She searched his eyes, unable to look away.
She slowly opened the door, standing still as she stared into his eyes, as if she was possessed by his gaze. Before she could realize what she was doing, she let him in and the door clicked behind them.
“Why can’t you just be honest, Jax?” Her voice cracked, barely above a whisper. “Why… why are you pretending to be something you’re not?” She frowned, still staring into his eyes – searching for something, anything. He didn’t answer. He looked back at her, like a challenge, watching her every move. She felt like a spotlight had cast upon her, standing impossibly still as he looked down at her. She should push him away, she should – but she couldn’t find it within herself to move.
“That’d be out of character,” He smiled, wicked and cruel. “That's more your thing. You’re the honest one. Always wearing your heart on your sleeve.” He smiled, leaning dangerously close this time. She looked up at him. “That’s why we work so well together.” He leaned down, and Pomni felt herself go cold.
She fought the shiver crawling up her spine. “That’s a weird way of apologizing.” She huffed sarcastically, but she didn’t back away. Pomni’s breath hitched her heart beating fast, but she couldn’t look away from him — couldn’t stop staring at the eyes that were bound to break her heart.
Jax’s eyes were half-lidded. “Why didn’t you push me away?” he whispered, and Pomni shivered when she felt his breath hit her cheeks. “Why do you keep letting me hurt you?” It sounded sincere, heartbreakingly so. She frowned, searching his eyes. His gaze was cold, still smiling cruelly – but his eyebrows twitched downward, and his eyes were slightly glossy. Pomni didn’t miss the way he swallowed hard, looking away for only a moment before setting his gaze back on her.
Her heart was racing. He was so close – too close. She wanted to lean in, she wanted to punch him in the face, she wanted to kiss him and then never see him again.
She never looked away from his eyes, she couldn’t look away.
He was going to be the death of her.
“Jax…” She swallowed, looking down. “What are you doing?” she whispered, she fought every muscle in her body to move, push him away — but she was frozen. She looked up at him again when she heard him let out a small laugh. Jax’s eyes flickered with something Pomni couldn’t name. Regret, maybe — or hurt, as if she was the one that was pushing him away.
“Something stupid.” he mumbled back. He slowly leaned in more, waiting for her to pull away, to push him back, before he kissed her tentatively. It felt uncharacteristically soft, almost — testing, like he was quietly asking.
She was frozen for a moment before she kissed him back when she felt him start to pull away, wrapping her arms around his neck to keep him there. She needed to feel something, anything, to stop the swirling in her stomach — the dizziness causing her to tilt her head more into the kiss. He wrapped his arms around her hips, his hands were icy cold but she felt herself only leaning into him more. When she felt his hands start to move up her back, she instinctively let go and pushed him back.
He swiftly pulled away, taking his hands off of her and putting distance between them. He stared at her blankly, waiting – watching, before she shook her head, her gaze darting anywhere but him. “Stop. We– you can’t–”
“Why not?” Jax interrupted. He wasn’t smiling anymore as he slowly moved closer again, testing his limits.
“You can’t just push me away and expect me to come running back to you.” She says angrily, but there's no real bite to it — her voice is shaky and she’s still looking away nervously. “Why do you do that?” she whispered, turning to look up at him, startling when she saw he had gotten much closer again, staring at her lips.
“Do what?” he prompted, placing his hand on her cheek. His touch was gentle again, as if his words weren’t dripping poison that was bound to kill her if she kept letting him do this.
Pomni fought herself to move away, but she couldn’t, not when his hands kept her frozen in place. Not when all she wanted to do was lean into him, take in his cold touch.
“You act like you care,” she said, shaking slightly when he softly caressed her cheek with his thumb. “And then you push me away, say you hate me, and now this…” Pomni looked away, staring down at the floor, the bright colors blinding her eyes. She shook her head slowly, eyebrows furrowing again, and she pushed his hand away from her. Jax stumbled back, looking surprised for a moment before he smiled, sending shivers down Pomni’s spine. “Because… what? You’re bored?”
Jax’s smile faltered, stepping farther back. “No,” he started.
“Then why?” She yelled, interrupting him and stomping her foot down.
Jax stuffed his hands in his pockets and scoffed — like he thought she was being dramatic. “Why do I do anything? It’s fun. You’re fun to mess with.” He shrugged.
“Mess with?” she whispered, taken aback. “I’m.. I’m not just some thing you can mess around with!”
Jax rolled his eyes and chuckled. “You’re a cartoon clown.” he deadpanned.
Pomni crossed her arms. “Jester,” she corrected.
“Same thing.” he scoffed dismissively.
Jax moved in closer, Pomni let him. Her breath hitched when he was right by her face. She should be running away – she should. She knows she should. But she’s still, waiting for his next move like she doesn’t already know how this ends.
“Come on, Pomni,” He smiled, wicked. “Just let go – have some fun!”
Pomni shook herself away, her whole body tense. “I can’t–” She said. “I can’t, knowing you’ll never admit that you care. That you…” she trailed off, feeling herself clench her fists.
Jax went still, his expression faltered. “I do,” he said, so timidly, so sincerely, so kindly. She looked up at him, watching him unravel. His smile was twitching nervously, slowly falling into a frown. His eyes became glossy again, and she could see his adams apple move from swallowing down any tears that were threatening to fall. Pomni almost felt sick when she realized she had believed him. She knew he was telling the truth, and that terrified her more than anything else. It meant all of this was real — every touch, every movement, every secret that was whispered whenever he put his hand softly on hers. “I care about you,” He continued, and his voice was almost shaky. He paused for a moment, unmoving. His lips were in a thin line and Pomni was clingling on to every second that passed, waiting for him to continue – not daring to move.
“I love you.” He finally whispered, filing in her unspoken words. His glance darted away quickly. Pomni’s heart was beating fast – she felt dizzy watching him come closer again. She let him, she always let him, again and again. He wasn’t smiling, or laughing. His pupils were dilated, and he finally looked towards her, searching her face for any emotion. She could only stare back at him blankly, feeling her heart drop to her stomach. Her hands were fidgeting at her sides, pulling at the fabric on her shorts. For a terrible, horrifying moment she realized he was telling the truth.
His eyes searched hers, desperate. “You’re lying.” Pomni tested, not moving, letting him stay close. The words felt wrong even as she spoke them, but she stuck by them. She dared to look him straight in the eye. Her eyebrows were furrowed, her lips in a scowl.
Jax smiled — twisted, and shaking, like he knew she would say that. He didn’t have that mischievous look in his eyes. Instead, his
eyes squinted, his smile twitched ever so slightly. His mask was back on, and if Pomni was a fool it would almost slip past her if she didn’t notice the way his eye began to twitch. She almost wished she thought he was just playing a cruel joke on her, so she could just walk away. She knew he wasn’t, though, and that only made her feel like her feet were glued to the floor.
He finally chuckled, looking away, his ears slightly slouching. “You’re right.” he said, eyes wide. Liar. He grabbed her hand and she looked down to see their hands intertwined. His touch was too soft on her glove, too kind, that if her eyes were closed, she would have never guessed it was Jax’s hand in hers. “But you’ll believe me anyway.” He whispered, sickenly sweet. Pomni looked back up at him, still feeling the comforting weight in her hand. His touch grounded her in an odd way, her face softening as she couldn’t help but look up at him intently. “You’ll believe me and have that gentle smile on your face.” He looked back at her. His smile was almost soft, but his words dripped with poison that always had Pomni reeling in. “You’ll fall for it everytime.” He said teasingly, leaning in. “You always do.”
Pomni looked away, her hands trembling as she pulled them out of his hold. He didn’t fight, slowly moving his hand down. “Not anymore.” She said, taking a slow step back. “No more games, Jax.” Her voice was trembling, feigning confidence.
Jax let out a quick laugh. “Really?” His smile stayed, still twistingly sweet. “Are you trying to gaslight me or yourself?”
Pomni growled, her hands clenching into fists as she groaned angrily. “Fine.” She said, letting the anger take over her as she looked up at him pointedly. Her eyebrows were furrowed and she felt her face heat up. “I do believe you,” she admitted, throwing her hands up in the air. It was the truth no matter how much it hurt her to speak, no matter how much she hated hearing it. She believed him, and she knew she was right. “I know you’re not lying. I know you care. No matter if you try to hide it, I know.” Jax’s smile twitched – too exposed. “But you can’t have both – you can’t pretend you hate me and try to make up for it by caring in your… weird twisted way!” She yelled.
He found himself looking at her, waiting for her to laugh, to smile, or react. But she only stared disapprovingly. “It’s not going to work.” She said softly, looking away.
Jax calmly placed a hand on her cheek. “Then why do you keep falling for it?” he whispered, trying to be cocky, but his gaze kept looking at her, desperately searching for an answer. “Why do you keep letting me get closer?” He shook his head. “You know it’s all a lie. You know none of this is real.”
She can't help it, she can't help the way he sneaks back into her mind. She can't help the way she hopes fruitlessly that this time will be different, this time he'll be honest.
“It is real.” She said, standing up taller as she pulled his hand off her cheek. “You know it is. You know all of this is real. You’re just scared. You’re scared of me leaving you behind, you’re scared of the unknown.” Pomni took more steps back — she wasn’t going to let him get any closer this time. “We all are, Jax.” She sighed. “But that doesn’t mean you’re allowed to just… toy around with us and do whatever you want.” Her fists clenched again, and she ripped away her gaze when she saw him staring back at her blankly – small smile still plastered on his face. “I don’t care that we’re all cartoons. I don’t care that we’re the only humans here.” She hugged herself, nothing to ground her as she missed Jax’s comforting weight. “Our feelings are real.” She swallowed hard. “We’re… we're still real.” She squeezed herself harder.
Jax looked stunned for a moment as he searched her, before he huffed. Jax clicked his tongue. “Keep telling yourself that, Pom-Pom.” He said, rolling his eyes. “Maybe one day it'll be true!” His smile widened as he threw his arms up sarcastically. Pomni shot him a pointed look. He sighed after a moment, laughing weakly as he let his arms down. “One day you’ll realize none of this matters. You’ll realize we’re all stuck here forever, and then you’ll understand, Pomni.”
Pomni swiftly turned away from him, her head reeling. “So what, you just want to hurt us so we can feel your pain, too?” She bit her lip, tears threatening to spill. “We all know how it feels, Jax. We’re all in pain here.” She paused, staring down at the floor. “Why do you insist on making everything worse?”
Jax closed his eyes, shaking his head. “We’re not here to be happy, we’re here to suffer.” He crossed his arms, tilting his head away. She turned back around, looking into his eyes. He looked back at her, his eyes pointed angrily, his eyebrows furrowed. “You are here to suffer.” He pointed accusingly at her, moving closer – but she didn’t move away, didn’t stand down. She stayed firm, standing up straight. “Feelings don’t matter anymore. We can’t change. We're forced to repeat the same old patterns.” He snarled. “Over and over again. Until eventually, we finally go crazy!” She swallowed hard, but refused to let go of his gaze. “That’s what we’re here for, aren’t we? To feel pain. So what if I hurt some feelings?” He smiled again, twisted. “I’m just finding a little bit of joy in it. That's my role here, to be funny.”
Pomni went to speak – about how being forced to suffer didn’t mean they had to hurt each other. How they should all be there for each other and help each other through the suffering, but she couldn’t. Suddenly it was hard to breathe, everything was dizzying and Jax’s gaze glued to her only made her feel more sick.
“Get out.” She spoke angrily before she could think, her heart pounding in her ears.
“What?” Jax’s smile curled. “You’re mad that I told the truth?” His eyes narrowed as he leaned down closer. “The truth hurts, doesn’t it, Pomni? You don’t know anything about what it means to suffer here.” Pomni’s jaw clenched, feeling her face heat up. “But you will, once you stop lying to yourself. You’ll fall into your own little character and you’ll stay that way forever. That’s how things work here.” He leaned in again.
“Get out, Jax!” Pomni growled, pushing him back.
Jax scoffed, putting his hands up in defeat. “Fine. Keep pretending.” He shrugged, rolling his eyes. “It won’t change anything.” He backed up, putting his hands in his pockets before turning around and opening her door.
Pomni was still breathing heavily as he stepped out, her heart still pounding in her ears. She felt herself backing up until she hit her bed. She sat down, hugging herself again as she heard Jax’s footsteps down the hallway.